Online reading of the book Funny Bible CHAPTER ONE. CREATION OF THE WORLD AND MAN.


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Genesis 1 This chapter tells us that God created our galaxy and planet “Earth” in six days. 1-2 In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth. The earth was formless and empty, and darkness was over the abyss, and the Spirit of God hovered over the waters. (Spirit is mind and consciousness). 3-5 And God said let there be light. And there was light. And God saw the light that it was good, and God separated the light from the darkness. And God called the light day and the darkness night. And there was evening and there was morning: one day. (Here we are talking about a different light, not the light that the sun, moon and stars give). 6-8 And God said, Let there be a firmament in the midst of the waters, and let it separate water from water. And so it became. And God created the firmament, and separated the water that was under the firmament from the water that was above the firmament. And so it became. And God called the firmament heaven. And God saw that it was good. And there was evening and there was morning: the second day. (Here it is said that there is water left outside our galaxy). 9-13 And God said, Let the waters that are under the heaven be gathered into one place, and let the dry land appear. And it became like this... And God called the dry land earth, and the collection of waters he called seas. And God saw that it was good. And God said, “Let the earth produce green grass, grass yielding seed according to its kind and in its likeness, and a fruitful tree bearing fruit according to its kind, in which is its seed on the earth.” And it became like this... And God saw that it was good. And there was evening and there was morning: the third day. 14-19 And God said: Let there be lights in the firmament of the heaven to illuminate the earth, and to separate the day from the night, and for signs, seasons, and days, and years; and let them be lamps in the firmament of the heaven to give light on the earth. And so it became. And God created two great lights: the greater light to rule the day, and the lesser light to rule the night, and the stars; ... And God saw that it was good. And there was evening and there was morning: the fourth day. 20-23 And God said, Let the water bring forth living things; and let the birds fly over the earth across the firmament of heaven. And it became like this... And God saw that it was good. And there was evening and there was morning: the fifth day. 24-25 And God said, Let the earth produce living creatures after their kinds, cattle and creeping things and wild beasts of the earth after their kinds. And so it became. ... And God saw that it was good. 26-31 And God said, Let us make man in Our image, after Our likeness, and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the birds of the air, and over the wild animals, and over the livestock, and over all the earth, and over every creeping thing that moves on the earth. . And God created man in His own image, in the image of God He created him; male and female he created them. And God blessed them, and God said to them: Be fruitful and multiply, and fill the earth, and subdue it, and have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the wild animals, and over the birds of the air, and over every livestock, and over all the earth, and over every living thing that moves. on the ground. It goes on to say that God gave plants to people and animals for food. And God saw that everything that He had created was very good. And there was evening and there was morning: the sixth day. Genesis 2. This chapter complements the first. 1-6 So perfect are the heavens and the earth and all their host. And God finished on the seventh day His work that He had done, and He rested on the seventh day from all His work that He had done. And God blessed the seventh day and sanctified it, for on it He rested from all His works... 7 And the Lord God formed man from the dust of the ground, and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life, and man became a living soul.

(Here it is said that God gave people a spirit. The spirit is mind and consciousness). 8 And the Lord God planted a garden in Eden in the east, and there he placed the man whom he had created. (Heaven is a place where people who obey God live.) 9 And the Lord God made from the ground every tree that is pleasant to the sight and good for food, and the tree of life in the midst of the garden, and the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. 10 A river came out of Eden to water the garden; and then divided into four rivers. 11 The name of one is Pison: it flows around the whole land of Havilah, where there is gold; 12 And the gold of the land is good; there is bdellium and onyx stone. 13 The name of the second river is Gihon; it flows around the whole land of Cush. 14 The name of the third river is Hiddekel: it flows before Assyria. The fourth river is the Euphrates. 15 And the Lord God took the man and put him in the garden of Eden to cultivate it and keep it. 16 And the Lord God commanded the man, saying, Of every tree of the garden thou shalt eat, 17 But of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil thou shalt not eat of it, for in the day that thou eatest of it thou shalt die.

(What is meant here is that when a person experiences evil, he begins to sin. Any evil is sin. Sinners, after dying on earth, go to hell (Luke 16:19-31), where there is a second death (Revelation 20:11 -15).On earth there is a first death, in hell there is a second death. 18 And the Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone; let us make him a helper suitable for him.” 19 The Lord God formed from the earth all the animals of the field and all the birds of the air, and brought to the man to see what he would call them, and that whatever the man called every living soul, that would be its name. like him. (God did not give reason and consciousness (spirit) to animals, so they are not aware of what is happening around them, and therefore do not know how to speak.) 21 And the Lord God caused a deep sleep to fall on the man, and when he fell asleep, he took one of his rib, and covered the place with flesh. 22 And the Lord God made a woman from the rib he had taken from the man, and brought her to the man. 23 And the man said, Behold, this is bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh; she will be called woman, for she was taken from man. 24 Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and cleave to his wife; and they will be one flesh. 25 And Adam and his wife were both naked, and they were not ashamed. Genesis 3.1 The serpent was more cunning than all the beasts of the field that the Lord God had made. And the serpent said to the woman: Did God truly say: You shall not eat from any tree in the garden? 2 And the woman said to the serpent, We may eat the fruit of the trees, 3 Only the fruit of the tree which is in the midst of the garden, God said, Do not eat it or touch it, lest you die. 4 And the serpent said to the woman, No, you will not die, 5 but God knows that in the day that you eat of them, your eyes will be opened, and you will be like gods, knowing good and evil. 6 And the woman saw that the tree was good for food, and that it was pleasant to the eyes and desirable because it gave knowledge; and she took of its fruit and ate; and she gave it also to her husband, and he ate.

(God, through the serpent, tested Adam and Eve for obedience (1 Peter 4:12-19; ​​James 1:12-18). They disobeyed God. You cannot create a person as a saint, for this he must go his own way, that is, know and good and evil, and then renounce evil and not sin. For example: if a person has not suffered, then he cannot have pity on other people.) 7 And the eyes of both of them were opened, and they knew that they were naked, and they sewed together fig leaves, and they made aprons for themselves. 8 And they heard the voice of the Lord God walking in the garden in the cool of the day; and Adam and his wife hid from the presence of the Lord God among the trees of paradise. 9 And the Lord God called to Adam and said to him, “Where are you?” 10 He said: I heard Your voice in paradise, and I was afraid, because I was naked, and I hid myself. 11 And he said, Who told you that you were naked? have you not eaten from the tree from which I forbade you to eat? 12 Adam said, “The wife whom You gave me, she gave me from the tree, and I ate.” 13 And the Lord God said to the woman, “Why have you done this?” The woman said: The serpent deceived me, and I ate. 14 And the Lord God said to the serpent, Because you have done this, you are cursed above all cattle and above all the beasts of the field; on your belly you will go, and you will eat dust all the days of your life; 15 And I will put enmity between you and the woman, and between your seed and her seed; it will bruise your head, and you will bruise its heel. 16 He said to the woman, “By multiplying I will multiply your sorrow in your pregnancy; in illness you will give birth to children; and your desire will be for your husband, and he will rule over you. 17 And he said unto Adam, Because thou hast listened to the voice of thy wife, and hast eaten of the tree of which I commanded thee, saying, Thou shalt not eat of it; cursed is the ground because of thee; you will eat from it in sorrow all the days of your life; 18 It will bring forth thorns and thistles for you; and you will eat the grass of the field; 19 By the sweat of your face you will eat bread until you return to the ground from which you were taken; for dust you are, and to dust you will return. 20 And Adam called his wife’s name Eve, for she became the mother of all living. 21 And the Lord God made garments of skins for Adam and his wife and clothed them. 22 And the Lord God said, Behold, Adam has become as one of Us, knowing good and evil; and now, lest he stretch out his hand, and also take from the tree of life, and eat, and live forever. 23 And the Lord God sent him out of the garden of Eden to till the ground from which he had been taken. 24 And he drove out Adam, and placed Cherubim and a flaming sword that turned around at the east of the garden of Eden to guard the way to the tree of life.

(The tree of life is immortality. God closed the path to paradise for people. Humanity had to live for several thousand years, after which this path would be open. Culture on earth was at a very low level, so people could not think logically, which means that They also could not obey God.Rom.5:12-21 - 14 However, death reigned from Adam to Moses and over those who did not sin, like the crime of Adam, who is the image of the future). Genesis 4. 1 Adam knew Eve his wife; and she conceived and gave birth to Cain, and said, “I have acquired a man from the Lord.” 2 And she gave birth to his brother Abel. And Abel was a shepherd of sheep, and Cain was a farmer. 3 After a while, Cain brought an offering to the Lord from the fruits of the ground, 4 and Abel also brought from the firstlings of his flock and from their fat. And the Lord looked upon Abel and his gift, 5 but did not look upon Cain and his gift. Cain became very upset and his face fell. 6 And the Lord said to Cain, “Why are you upset?” and why did your face droop? 7 If you do good, don’t you lift up your face? and if you do not do good, then sin lies at the door; he attracts you to himself, but you dominate him. 8 And Cain spoke to Abel his brother. And while they were in the field, Cain rose up against his brother Abel and killed him. 9 And the Lord said to Cain, Where is Abel your brother? He said: I don’t know; Am I my brother's keeper? 10 And he said, What have you done? the voice of your brother's blood cries to Me from the earth; 11 And now art thou cursed from the earth, which hath opened its mouth to receive the blood of thy brother at thy hand; 12 When you till the land, it will no longer yield its strength for you; you will be an exile and a wanderer on earth. 13 And Cain said to the Lord: My punishment is more than can be endured; 14 Behold, now You are driving me from the face of the earth, and I will hide from Your presence, and I will be an exile and a wanderer on the earth; and whoever meets me will kill me. 15 And the Lord said to him, “Therefore, whoever kills Cain will have sevenfold vengeance.” And the Lord made a sign for Cain, so that no one who met him would kill him. 16 And Cain went away from the presence of the Lord and dwelt in the land of Nod, east of Eden. 17 And Cain knew his wife; and she conceived and gave birth to Enoch. And he built a city; and he named the city after the name of his son: Enoch. 18 Enoch was born Irad; Irad gave birth to Mechiael; Mechiael gave birth to Methuselah; Methuselah gave birth to Lamech. 19 And Lamech took for himself two wives: the name of the one was Ada, and the name of the second was Zillah. 20 Adah gave birth to Jabal: he was the father of those who lived in tents with their flocks. 21 His brother's name was Jubal: he was the father of all those who played the harp and pipe. 22 Zillah also gave birth to Tubalcain, who was a forger of all tools of copper and iron. And Tubalcain's sister Noema. 23 And Lamech said to his wives: Ada and Zillah! listen to my voice; the wives of Lamech! listen to my words: I killed a man for my wound and a boy for my wound; 24 If Cain be avenged seven times, Lamech seventy times seven. 25 And Adam knew his wife again, and she gave birth to a son, and called his name Seth, because, she said, God gave me another seed instead of Abel, whom Cain killed. 26 Seth also had a son, and he called his name Enosh; then they began to call on the name of the Lord. Genesis 5. 1 This is the genealogy of Adam: When God created man, in the likeness of God he created him, 2 male and female he created them, and blessed them, and called their name man, on the day he created them. 3 Adam lived a hundred and thirty years, and begat a son in his own likeness, in his own image, and called his name Seth. 4 The days of Adam after he begat Seth he was eight hundred years old, and he begat sons and daughters. 5 And all the days of Adam's life were nine hundred and thirty years; and he died. 6 Seth lived a hundred and five years and begat Enosh. 7 After he begat Enosh, Seth lived eight hundred and seven years and begat sons and daughters. 8 And all the days of Seth were nine hundred and twelve years; and he died. 9 Enosh lived ninety years and begat Cainan. 10 After Cainan was born, Enosh lived eight hundred and fifteen years and begat sons and daughters. 11 And all the days of Enosh were nine hundred and five years; and he died. 12 Cainan lived seventy years and begat Maleleel. 13 After he begat Maleleel, Cainan lived eight hundred and forty years and begat sons and daughters. 14 And all the days of Cainan were nine hundred and ten years; and he died. 15 Malalel lived sixty-five years and begat Jared. 16 After he begat Jared, Malalel lived eight hundred and thirty years and begat sons and daughters. 17 And all the days of Malalelel were eight hundred and ninety-five years; and he died. 18 Jared lived one hundred and sixty-two years and begat Enoch. 19 After Enoch was born, Jared lived eight hundred years and begat sons and daughters. 20 And all the days of Jared were nine hundred and sixty-two years; and he died. 21 Enoch lived sixty-five years and begat Methuselah. 22 And Enoch walked with God after he begat Methuselah three hundred years and begat sons and daughters. 23 And all the days of Enoch were three hundred and sixty-five years. 24 And Enoch walked with God; and he was no more, because God took him. (Of all the people living before the flood, only Enoch went to heaven). 25 Methuselah lived one hundred and eighty-seven years and begat Lamech. 26 After the birth of Lamech, Methuselah lived seven hundred and eighty-two years and begat sons and daughters. 27 And all the days of Methuselah were nine hundred and sixty-nine years; and he died. 28 Lamech lived one hundred and eighty-two years and begat a son, 29 and called his name Noah, saying, “He will comfort us in our work and in the labor of our hands in cultivating the land which the Lord has cursed.” 30 And Lamech lived after he begat Noah five hundred and ninety-five years, and begat sons and daughters. 31 And all the days of Lamech were seven hundred and seventy-seven years; and he died. 32 Noah was five hundred years old, and Noah begat Shem, Ham, and Japheth. Genesis 6. 1 When people began to multiply on the earth and daughters were born to them, 2 then the sons of God saw the daughters of men that they were beautiful, and they took them to be wives whomever they chose.

(The sons of God are those who called on the name of the Lord). 3 And the Lord said, My Spirit will not forever be despised by men; because they are flesh; let their days be a hundred and twenty years. 4 At that time there were giants on the earth, especially from the time when the sons of God began to come in to the daughters of men, and they began to give birth to them: these are strong people, glorious people of old. 5 And the Lord saw that the wickedness of man was great in the earth, and that every imagination of the thoughts of their hearts was only evil continually; 6 And the Lord repented that he had created man on the earth, and was grieved in His heart. 7 And the LORD said, I will destroy from the face of the earth man whom I have created, from man to beast, and the creeping thing, and the fowl of the air I will destroy, for I have repented that I made them. 8 But Noah found grace in the sight of the Lord. 9 This is the life of Noah: Noah was a righteous man and blameless in his generation; Noah walked with God. 10 Noah fathered three sons: Shem, Ham and Japheth. 11 But the earth was corrupted before God, and the earth was filled with evildoings. 12 And God looked upon the earth, and behold, it was corrupt, for all flesh had perverted its way on the earth. 13 And God said to Noah, The end of all flesh is come before Me, for the earth is filled with evildoings from them; and behold, I will destroy them from the earth. 14 Make yourself an ark of gopher wood; make compartments in the ark and coat it with pitch inside and outside. 15 And thou shalt make it thus: The length of the ark is three hundred cubits; its breadth is fifty cubits, and its height thirty cubits. 16 And thou shalt make a hole in the ark, and make a cubit at the top, and make a door to the ark at the side thereof; arrange lower, second and third housing in it. 17 And behold, I will bring a flood of water upon the earth, to destroy all flesh in which is the spirit of life under the heavens; everything on earth will lose life. 18 But I will establish my covenant with you, and you and your sons and your wife and your sons’ wives will come into the ark with you. 19 Thou shalt also bring into the ark two of every living creature, and of every flesh, that they may live with thee; let them be male and female. 20 Of the birds according to their kinds, and of the livestock according to their kinds, and of every creeping thing that creeps on the earth according to its kind, twos of every one will come to you, so that you may live. 21 Take for yourself all the food that people eat, and gather it to you; and it will be food for you and for them. 22 And Noah did everything: as God commanded him, so did he.

Gore Vidal Creation of the World

Dedicated

Thomas Pryor Gore (1870–1949)

Preface by the author

People of the 5th century BC e. India was the name given to the Persian province on the Indus River, and the state of Qin was just one of many warring principalities on the territory of modern China[1]. For the sake of clarity, I have used the name India in the book not only to refer to the Ganges Valley, but also to those countries that now like to call themselves Pakistan and Bangladesh. I use the name China to describe the states located in this period between the Yellow and Yangtze rivers. Whenever possible, I used modern titles and names. The Mediterranean Sea, for example, or Confucius; on the other hand, long-suffering Afghanistan and no less long-suffering Iran, I prefer to call them by the ancient names of Bactria and Persia.

To indicate distances, I used the currently accepted miles. As for the dates, the narrator tries to correlate them with the time when he began to dictate his response to the speech of Herodotus (who had not yet received the honorary title “father of history”) - let’s assume that this happened on the evening of December 20, 445 BC. e.

BOOK I HERODOTUS SET FOR READING IN THE ATHENIAN ODEON

1

I am blind. But not deaf. Because of this incompleteness of my misfortune, yesterday I had to listen for six hours straight to one self-proclaimed historian, whose descriptions of the events that the Athenians like to call the Persian Wars are so absurd that if I were younger and less constrained in my actions, I would have risen from my seat and created a scandal throughout Athens instead of the answer expected from me.

I know the truth about the Greek wars, not him. How could he know? How does a Greek know the truth? And I spent most of my life at the Persian court and even now, in the seventy-fifth year of my stay on earth, I still serve the Great King, as I served his father - my dear friend Xerxes, and before that his heroic father, known even among the Greeks as Darius the Great.

When the painful reading was over - our "historian" has a very dull and monotonous voice, and a harsh Doric accent makes him completely unattractive - my eighteen-year-old nephew Democritus asked if I would like to stay and talk with this man who was slandering Persia.

“It wouldn’t be superfluous,” he concluded his speech. - Everyone is looking at you. They know that such a reading should anger the Persian ambassador quite a bit.

Here in Athens, Democritus studies philosophy. This means that he loves all kinds of disputes. Write it down, write it down, Democritus. After all, it is at your request that I dictate an account of how and why the Greek Wars began. I will mention everyone in it - including you. So where did I stop? Oh yes, Odeon.

I smiled with the penetrating smile of a blind man, as a certain poet described the smile of those who cannot see. It cannot be said that while I was sighted, I myself paid much attention to the blind. How could I have imagined that I would live to old age, much less to the blindness that befell me three years ago, when a white veil covered my retina and everything plunged into darkness for me.

The last thing I saw was the faint outline of my own face in the polished silver mirror. This happened in Susa, in the palace of the Great King. At first I thought the room was filling with smoke. But it was summer time - they didn’t light the fireplace. For another moment I continued to distinguish myself in the mirror, but then I myself, and everything else, disappeared forever into the darkness.

In Egypt, doctors perform surgery and remove this veil, but I am too old to travel to Egypt. Besides, I've seen enough already. Was it not I who looked at the sacred fire - the personification of Ahuramazda, the Wise Lord? I saw Persia, and India, and distant China. No one alive today has traveled so much.

I got distracted. It's always like this with old people. My grandfather, at seventy-five, could talk for hours, constantly jumping from one topic to another. His speech was completely incoherent. But my grandfather was Zoroaster, the prophet of Truth; and like the One God whom he served, he held in his mind simultaneously all the facets of existence. As a result, his speeches were extremely inspiring if you managed to understand what he was talking about.

Democritus wants to write down what happened when we left the Odeon. Wonderful. His fingers will get tired. My voice does not betray me, nor does my memory... At least I still remember yesterday.

As Herodotus of Halicarnassus finished his account of the Persian defeat at Salamis thirty-four years earlier, there was a deafening burst of banging. By the way, the acoustics in the Odeon are terrible. Obviously, I'm not the only one who thinks the new music hall is not very successful. Even the musically deaf Athenians understand that something is wrong in their precious Odeon. It was recently built in an unprecedentedly short time by order of Pericles, who paid for everything with money allocated to him by other cities for the defense of Athens. This is nothing more than a stone copy of the tent of the Great King. This tent fell into the hands of the Greeks during the defeat of the Persians in the last Greek campaign. The Greeks will first emphasize their contempt for us, and then imitate us.

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