Orthodox Life
In 2021, the premiere of the documentary film “Testimony of Love” took place, telling the story of the large family of Archpriest Andrei and Mother Olga Yurevich. It seems to be a simple love story of people who found happiness in each other, in seven children, in service, but the tape really touched many people, discussions about it do not stop on social networks to this day. What's the secret? The fact is that in modern culture there are very few stories about healthy male-female relationships, without hand-wringing, drama, exaltation, without those value distortions that psychologists Tamara Kataeva and Elena Nazarenko call “Akhmatovism.” We talk about what a “healthy family” is and what is its “foundation”, about the mythology “ideal family” and other myths about the family with Father Andrei Yurevich, priest of the Church of the All-Merciful Savior in Mitino (Moscow), member of the Union of Architects, chief architect Financial and economic management of the Russian Orthodox Church, corresponding member of the Petrine Academy of Sciences and Arts.
– Father Andrey, you are an architect by secular education. If we use architectural metaphors, what would you call the foundation of family happiness?
- Of course, it would be good to understand what there is a “foundation”, “walls”, “roof”. After all, in the “building” of family life, all components are important. I think the “foundation” is the Lord himself, who calls himself in Scripture the “cornerstone.” The family must be built on common faith and loyalty to the Lord. It is very difficult for couples in which one of the spouses is an unbeliever and the other is a believer. In such families, conflicts and misunderstandings arise. Christ said: “I did not come to bring peace, but a sword” (Matthew 10:34). These words are often falsely interpreted: Christ did not bring wars, international conflicts, intercultural conflicts. The Lord, with His characteristic insight, perfectly understood that the world of faith and unbelief are completely different. The world perceives Christians as crazy, and for Christians the world is crazy.
But faith is far from the only thing that unites us. The presence of a common faith is not a guarantee of family happiness: it is impossible to live on one “foundation” - you need to build a “house”. But the foundation must be reliable.
– In the film about your marriage there are memories of your youth: suddenly, unexpectedly, for a while you and Mother Olga interrupted your beautifully developing relationship. Perhaps this is an incorrect analogy, but I remember the story of actress Natalya Andreichenko, when the long-awaited and beloved Maximilian Schell finally came for her to her modest apartment... she suddenly began to run away from him in panic. Why are we sometimes frightened by the possibility of happiness when it is close, because we desired it so much before? Because happiness also requires from us some kind of courage, responsibility, maturity?
– I would not draw such analogies: each person has his own destiny. Moreover, for Natalya Andreichenko, Maximilian Schell became the second husband after Maxim Dunaevsky. At the time of the story you described, she was already a mature woman. In our situation, Mother Olga and I felt like children - we were only 16 years old. The first strong feeling in our lives overtook both of us. First love is special, which is why so many poems and songs are dedicated to it. This feeling is always very clean, fresh. In the film, I explained a little about the reasons for our temporary separation. Mother told a romantic story about two eagles: when an eagle falls, the eagle must catch her on its wing. I said that at 16 years old I was not ready for such responsibility. Mother was not an ordinary girl - she was very deep. I liked this depth, but it also frightened me. A few months later, some incident occurred between us: something “broke” in me, and I decided to end our relationship. Then I was very worried about this decision of mine, I remembered us. But the feeling remained, matured. And when at the age of 19 we met on vacation on the Curonian Spit in the Baltic States, I was already ready to fight for my love, which glowed like hot coals in me. I felt that I needed her.
– What are the most common false stereotypical ideas about happiness that should be avoided in family life? What are the most popular myths about the pseudo-Christian family model and what is their nature?
– In L.N. Tolstoy’s novel “Anna Karenina” there is a famous phrase: “All happy families are alike, each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.” This is also a common misconception, including that of Tolstoy himself. I will give an illustration from the field of mathematics for clarification. We take a number of examples from the multiplication table: “2”, etc. How many correct answers does each of these examples have? One. How many wrong answers are there? Infinite multitude. Also, in happiness there is only one correct answer. No matter how we calculate “2”, in the end we should get only one correct result – “4”. An unhappy family is the wrong answer to the question of happiness. A happy family is the correct answer. Of course, it may differ in appearance due to historical, mental, cultural, generational, psychological and other characteristics. But this is always the answer: we are ready to work in the spirit of the words of the Apostle Paul: “Love is patient and kind, love does not envy, love does not boast, is not puffed up, does not act rudely, does not seek its own, is not easily provoked, thinks no evil, does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; covers all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails...” (1 Cor. 13:4-8). This is the work of sacrificial, patient love, not feeding, but nurturing. Tolerance does not mean silently grieving, but accepting a person entirely, covering his shortcomings and weaknesses with love. This is the work of caring not for oneself, but for another. And today we increasingly have families in which there is a clash of two selfish claims and demands on each other.
As for the myths about the pseudo-Christian family. This, for example, is an attempt to build family life on the “three pillars” - stereotypes that we jokingly call among ourselves: “Pray, fast and listen to radio Radonezh.” Sometimes even mandatory large families are tied here. Stereotypes are associated with "legalism", with what is "supposed" and with the perception of marriage as "enduring the crown of martyrdom to the grave." The same tonality is also inspired by the metamorphoses that occur with many Orthodox girls: their backs and necks are bent, their legs are turned inward, a backpack is hung on their backs and they are “snatched” by such dejected, self-discolored, sad and boring people, but who know how to “should” .
– Do you think the ideas about the “ideal family” of your generation and your children differ in any fundamental way?
– The concept of “ideal family” is a utopia: it does not exist. 43 years have passed since my mother and I met: during this time we have simply forgotten what it means to “live without each other” - we can no longer be apart. We have been together our entire adult life. Nevertheless, we continue to work on the rough edges in marriage because the evil one is always at work. We are still students in this relationship. In general, it’s good for spouses to study together: my mother and I read, discuss something together in our family club or outdoors, at a table in a cafe, at home with a cup of tea in the kitchen.
An “ideal” family is a family in which “not a hitch or a hitch” can be found. I don’t believe in such couples - this doesn’t happen. If outwardly there is such a thing, then, it seems to me, this rather indicates the deep indifference of the spouses, who diplomatically and a little slyly learned not to notice each other. Those who truly truly love each other always have “rough edges” in their relationships as a sign of a living relationship. Over the years, these roughnesses, like glass in sea water, are smoothed out, but inside, in ourselves and in each other, it still continues to be felt.
– They often say that marriage is mutual sacrifice, etc. What should spouses not sacrifice? Obviously, by faith, by fidelity to God... But, for example, by fidelity to one’s calling? When a woman, a talented pianist, for example, leaves music completely for the sake of her beloved and “dissolves” in the family. Wouldn’t this be “burying a talent,” a betrayal of a gift from God?
– Of course, you cannot sacrifice what concerns the “foundation” of the family. The Lord gives everyone a lot of things, but he gives them not by edifying, but by offering. A person always has several choices, each of which has its own consequences. I can tell you about our experience. Mother Olga studied music, studied at a German special school, which in Soviet times was considered a very prestigious educational institution in Moscow. Later she entered the architectural institute. Then at the same university in the late 1970s. When the specialization “Theory and History of Architecture” appeared, my mother decided to complete this course of study. She could fully realize herself as an architectural theorist, as a scientist with international publications, books and conferences. Instead, while receiving her diploma, she gave birth to our first daughter, Katyusha.
Then we left for Siberia - there was no time for “theory of architecture” here. The prospect arose for us to become architects building a new Siberian city. But mother devoted herself to her family. She became the wife of a priest. Having been on “chronic maternity leave” for many years (smiles), she gave birth to our 7 wonderful children (we are expecting our 10th grandchild; the whole family consists of 22 people). As a result, she now has a meager pension. If it weren’t for the Moscow “Luzhkov” bonuses, she would have received a pension equivalent to approximately the subsistence minimum for one person in Moscow. It may seem that she had a calling that she abandoned. But in fact, then everything came back: she taught all the children music, made handwritten books with her own illustrations, wrote the book “Mother’s Flowers”, created original programs for the course “World Artistic Culture” and the life safety course (“Image of God for Woman”) in our Orthodox gymnasium, he has been teaching a course in our “Family Club” for the tenth year (10 notebooks of notes have been collected that can be published). And most importantly, I don’t know in what words to describe WHAT it means to Father Andrei. He is busy with social activities, but without it he would be nothing at all. It is not known what she would have done on the path of an architectural theorist, but having become an Orthodox mother, she did a lot. The words of the Gospel are fulfilled: “For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for My sake will find it” (Matthew 16:25). Such a paradox: if you forget about yourself, you will find yourself (and you will realize your calling, but according to heavenly Providence).
I am also an architect by training. When we went to Siberia, at the age of 25 I became the chief architect of the city. During “perestroika” and later, it would have been possible to organize a successful architectural and construction business, and make a career as an official in government agencies, etc. Instead, I became a priest. At first he served in a pigsty-shed, which we converted into a small church. But having devoted myself to service (paradoxically!), I did not stop being an architect: in Lesosibirsk I helped and designed several churches myself. Upon my return to Moscow, I was appointed chief architect of the Financial and Economic Administration of the Moscow Patriarchate, responsible for the implementation of the “200 temples” program for the construction of new churches in Moscow. Thus, I continue to realize my calling, to be an architect, but already a church one. For the sake of something very big, bright, for the sake of Christ, you should never regret your calling - you just need to say to God: “Lord, you gave me a talent - I want to use it not in spite of, but according to Your will.” And this will may not coincide with our plans.
– In your opinion, what is an indicator of a healthy “microclimate” in a family?
– I think it would be more correct to talk not about the “indicator”, but about how the family members themselves feel about this marriage. It’s like with the weather: when the atmospheric pressure is too high, someone even has difficulty moving, feels unwell, etc. Although a person may not explain the reason for his illness, he will feel unhealthy. So it is in family life. My mother and I feel wonderful next to each other. (Smiles.) How do the children feel? You need to ask them first. In addition, children are different, and they also have different periods. It is important to note that the eldest, middle and youngest children in the family feel differently about themselves and experience growing up differently. The behavior towards children and the parents themselves differ as they gain maturity. In our youth, we were more “ardent” in relation to children, now, it seems to me, there is greater “depth” and loyalty in our relationship. Nevertheless, I dare to hope that the health of all our family members is positive and joyful. We write wonderful letters to each other, give cards, in which we very sincerely express to each other very important, deep things about our love, loyalty, devotion, gratitude. I think this is a good sign of the “health” of the family.
– Marriage is impossible without the utmost mutual trust and openness. At the same time, it is important to respect the personal space of the Other. How to learn to maintain a sense of the inviolability of the Other's secret in a relationship? How not to mistake your own indifference for delicacy and respect for the boundaries of the Other?
– Of course, every person should have personal space, in the literal and figurative sense of the word. For example, this problem is especially acute in large families, such as ours. Now we have 3 daughters living with us: three daughters are already married, one son is married. And no matter where we live, each of us lacks this “personal space” (smiles), where we could retire, be alone with ourselves, alone with God, in a telephone conversation with a friend. I noticed that our girls very often use the bathroom for such privacy - the others knock: “When will you finally come out?!” But it turns out that my sister is there talking on the phone while a line forms outside the door. (Laughs.) As a father and priest, I have personal space, but sometimes it’s still not enough: then I go out of town, into nature for solitude, or somewhere for a few hours to be in absolute silence. This is necessary for me and for all of us. After all, I, as a priest, serve by calling, my mother serves like my wife, my children serve because our whole family serves. Our house is open three days a week. Dozens of people come. On Friday we have meetings of the youth club, on Saturday - the family club, on Sunday our community comes - 40-50 people gather. We get tired, because people “draw” like water from a well - if you “draw” too much, without taking into account the capabilities of the well, then you can use up all the “water”. Therefore, everyone needs to recover in silence in order to “fill up” and regain the opportunity to give and share joy, love, friendship, and participation even with those closest to them. This human need to sometimes “close the well” in order to replenish it must be respected. Another issue is the distribution of common space into the personal spaces of each family member: in order to avoid conflicts, you should approach this problem with the utmost love. But respect cannot be confused with indifference, since by respecting another, I participate in him, and do not distance myself. The indifferent one kicks the other out of his life, the respectful one invites and accepts.
– The family is called the “small Church.” Holy John Chrysostom wrote that there are no more dangerous times for the Church than times of external prosperity. And why is a state of apparent well-being dangerous for a family as a “small Church”, when there is a feeling of satiety and the thought that “there is nothing to dream about”?
– Firstly, the words “nothing to dream about” in the film were spoken in a different context. They concerned not the family, but some external affairs, achievements beyond which it was not possible to move in those conditions. It was precisely because of these objective conditions that we had to leave.
Secondly, well-being for the Church as the Body of Christ is dangerous because it is more difficult to be ready to respond in such comfortable conditions to the call to bear the Cross, to exertion, etc. Well-being is dangerous due to a state of relaxation, and a Christian must always be extremely collected and awake. This is also dangerous because of Oblomovism. Objective reality “tonicizes” a person constantly and does not allow him to relax. Let's remember the series "The Rich Also Cry." It is about the fact that there are no completely prosperous people in nature.
Well-being can lead to giving up the desire to work. But family life is a field that constantly needs to be cultivated. And family happiness is the fruits of constant, joyful labor.
Interviewed by Anna Golubitskaya
How not to be a dreary sight, or about the middle path.
“Sometimes even the appearance of believers is a very sad sight in itself...
- This is a separate article altogether... (Mother diligently hunches her shoulders, draws her head in and frowns).
And that's how they start walking. I ask: “Why are you walking like that?” They answer: “Because I am a sinner.” “Okay,” I say, “but isn’t this good news for you? Does the Lord love you? “He loves,” he answers. Once again I’m interested: “God gave the Son for your salvation”? - "Gave". “Do you love Him?” - "I love!" - “Why aren’t you happy? Come on, straighten your back!” After all, we, believers, must bear the image of Christ within ourselves. Who do people see when they look at us? A sad and gloomy type, dissatisfied and unhappy with everything.
— Some people perceive coming to Church as the “right state.” If I may put it this way, what is the difference between God and a teacher who gives an “A” for a post passed with honor?
- God is a teacher, but God is also a doctor, He forgives sins and heals from illnesses. The instructions that the parishioners carry out with such zeal are, of course, important, but we should not dwell on this, much less consider it a matter of life. By understanding this, we will be able to thank Him more. People come to Church for congregational prayer, but it is filled with your words, your love for God when He lives in you.
