Where and how to find your confessor, an assistant on the spiritual path? Do clergy need to invite psychiatrists to cooperate?

How to find a spiritual father (confessor) in the world?

Photo by priest Igor Palkin
Finding a spiritual mentor is sometimes more difficult than finding a life partner. For many people who come to the Church for the first time, the problem of such a search is aggravated by the lack of a clear idea of ​​who they are looking for and why. In the absence of spiritual experience, a newly converted Christian in a new system of relationships tries to be guided by familiar worldly stereotypes and ultimately experiences disappointment. No less a problem, if not a disaster, is the lack of a need for a constant spiritual mentor among a large number of parishioners who regularly confess and receive communion. It is extremely difficult for a modern person to completely trust someone. And without mutual trust, spiritual relations are impossible.

It is no secret that the most common reason for modern man to turn to God is difficult to bear grief in earthly life. Among other things, people suffer from difficult relationships with parents or the absence of them at all, from failures in family life, from various illnesses, from the absence of value-based people. And so, having come to church with his troubles, a person can try to compensate for his spiritual failures by communicating with the priest. What does this mean? A grieving person wants to heal his mental pain as quickly as possible. And from the priest, he first of all expects warmth and participation, fatherly care, and friendly disposition. This does not always happen consciously. Even if conversations with a priest are mainly devoted to spiritual problems, the person’s main desire will be to eliminate the pain he is currently experiencing. One of the means of this will be God. A means, not an end! But in the Gospel the Lord calls us to seek FIRST of all the Kingdom of God and only then everything else. And the Kingdom of God is Himself, God the Trinity, and living communication with Him in His love.

A confessor can lead his spiritual child with him to the Kingdom of Heaven, can walk alongside him, can simply periodically support him on this path, but in all these cases, the goal of the spiritual efforts of the mentor and his flock is Christ Himself, and not the pleasure of spiritual communication with confessor. It is necessary to protect yourself from this goal-setting error at the very beginning of the search for a confessor, especially if this search is started by a woman who has not realized herself in a full-fledged family life. Qualified psychologists, including Orthodox ones, can easily provide assistance in resolving mental problems. Psychology, like any other science, is designed to make a person’s earthly life more comfortable and safe. And Christ honestly promises his followers: “you will be sorrowful in the world.”

Next, you need to assess your own ability or readiness for a close, trusting relationship with your confessor, especially if you have had no experience of such relationships at all in ordinary worldly life. Even in parish churches there are confessors who demand strict obedience from their children in the most insignificant matters. A considerable number of worldly confessors, on the contrary, evade in every possible way the strict guidance of their spiritual children. It is worth soberly assessing your ability to obey at the initial stage of spiritual life and looking for an appropriate confessor.

It is worth warning people who have been known through life and who need a “strong hand” against quickly and recklessly surrendering themselves to the power of an authoritarian confessor. The secret of obedience lies in freedom, which fundamentally distinguishes Christian obedience from military discipline. According to the words of St. John of Damascus, “what is done under compulsion is not virtue.” An experienced confessor will make sure that his newly found spiritual son (or daughter) himself wants to come closer and begins to consult on all spiritual and everyday issues. And it’s worth thinking hard about a deep relationship with a confessor who, after the first meeting, insists on confession for the rest of your life, the revelation of thoughts and the fulfillment of strictly regulated prayer rules.

Important, but not always mandatory, is the correspondence between the cultural, educational level and even the psychological way of perceiving the world between the confessor and his child. Many communication problems are resolved when people speak the same language, use similar metaphors and understand each other perfectly. This condition is optional due to the fact that the more a confessor succeeds in spiritual life, the more he learns to be “all things to all people.” The Monk Paisius the Svyatogorets, being a worldly poorly educated man, found a common language with representatives of various nationalities, with ordinary people and learned men. And he did not just talk with them on abstract topics, but revealed to them the essence of their spiritual problems and pointed out ways to resolve them.

If a Christian is determined to start a family or is already a spouse, then his regular communication with a married parish priest, in whose home peace reigns, can be much more useful than the rare instructions of a hieromonk. Spiritual problems are closely intertwined with family relationships, which always remain a secret to anyone external to the family. For a married priest such a secret is a reality, while for a never-married hieromonk it is always to some extent a theory.

Where to start looking for a confessor? With a prayerful request for help from the Lord in this important matter. Nothing is impossible for Him. Having trusted in Christ, we must begin to communicate with those priests who serve nearby, regularly confess to people and are available for communication outside the framework of church services. If, after several confessions, a desire arises for confidential communication with a priest, you should ask him for a personal meeting, during which you can tell in detail about the circumstances of your life and your spiritual problems. At the same time, it is worth taking a closer look at the spiritual children of this priest. After all, it is possible that it is with them that our church life will proceed in the future. If the search for a trustworthy priest in nearby churches is not successful, then it is necessary to expand the geography of the search. But don't get carried away. A personal meeting with a confessor or a face-to-face conversation cannot be replaced by any modern means of communication. Therefore, it is worth choosing the priest who can be reached at a critical moment in any situation.

Regular confession with the same priest will give him the opportunity to conduct a high-quality “diagnosis” of the spiritual problems of his potential child. If a trusting relationship develops with such a priest, it is worth moving on to the stage of life on advice, i.e. If any problematic or unusual life situation arises after intense personal prayer to the Lord for admonition, seek advice from a priest. It is for advice, and not for a blessing (order) to act in one way or another. The final decision at this stage of the relationship with the confessor will have to be made by the person himself. In the context of the general disunity of modern people, especially in large cities, it is precisely this type of relationship with a priest that seems most realistic. A necessary condition for close relationships is living together, and this is sometimes not the case even in modern large monasteries.

Only if the relationship develops favorably during life, on advice, should one move on to a relationship of spiritual sonship, preceded by a deep and sincere confession throughout one’s life. Actually, only at this stage does the priest become a spiritual father for a Christian. Communication with the confessor occurs constantly and regularly, and not sporadically. A person is determined to fulfill any blessing from his confessor without reasoning. But one must approach such an extremely trusting relationship with a confessor with extreme caution. At the first two stages of “acquaintance” with the future confessor, one must check his advice and recommendations for compliance with the Gospel and the teachings of the Holy Fathers. And for this it is necessary to constantly read the Gospel, study the works of the holy fathers and in real life learn to follow everything that is written.

Spiritual sonship can occur in different ways for different people. A person accustomed to living according to instructions will turn to his confessor for approval of his every step. Someone who is more focused on the final result will ask for a blessing much less often - in the most difficult and fundamental situations (marriage, choosing a specialty, resolving complex moral conflicts). A truly experienced confessor must take into account the differences in the spiritual structure of his children and does not build communication with them according to one pattern.

One cannot, of course, rule out a meeting with one’s confessor, something like love at first sight. But, as in male-female relationships, in spiritual life such a meeting is a rare exception against the background of falling in love that often occurs and does not lead to anything positive.

The elders stand apart in the clergy - those ascetics who received from God the gift of recognizing and communicating to man the will of God about him. The likelihood of becoming a spiritual child of an elder is extremely low. There are too few of them, and the flow of people turning to them for help is enormous. But this does not exclude the possibility of turning to the elder in case of a painful choice of life path, for example, between monasticism or family life. But even in this case, it is worth getting the blessing of your confessor to travel to the elder.

In conclusion, I would like to recommend that everyone starting the search for a confessor read the book by Archpriest Vyacheslav Tulupov “How to Find a Spiritual Father and Live Under His Guidance.”

Elders are healers of souls

Originating in Byzantium, it firmly entered into Russian culture and occupied one of the most important places. The elders took a vow of obedience and, through their words and deeds, were called upon to expose sins and console people confused in their own doubts. With saving conversations and instructions, they healed souls, brought peace and tranquility into them.

Russian eldership takes its origins from the Monk Paisius Velichkovsky and achieves its development thanks to the monks of the Optina Hermitage. Monasteries with their spiritual mentors have been the center of pilgrimage for the Orthodox people for a long time. Eldership had its own peculiarity, where strict asceticism alternated with active outings into the world. These outlets were expressed in contact with the people and in service to the world as a spiritual assistant, mentor and adviser.

Mentor's task

Spiritual mentoring strives to improve the personality and manifest the image of God in it, to nurture the spiritual principle in a person. An Orthodox Christian should definitely read and understand the instructions of the holy fathers. They read:

• the spiritual thoughts of any Orthodox Christian must be guided by a priest, whose help must be sought both in confession and in teaching;
• try to communicate with your confessor throughout your life, revealing your sins and ungodly thoughts;
• following the teachings of your spiritual father, you will certainly gain the Kingdom of Heaven;
• If you entrust your heart to your confessor, then God’s grace will settle in your soul.

You need to choose your confessor carefully, because you trust him with the most valuable things.

So what should you do to find your confessor? Shouldn't you put an advertisement in the newspaper that a confessor is needed? Of course not. You need to do serious work - communicate with people who understand spiritual life, take a closer look at them.

This is how Archimandrite Tikhon (Shevkunov) talks about it:

Tikhon (Shevkunov)

archimandrite

“But do not rush to finally call this or that priest your spiritual father. Take a closer look at different priests, talk with them, confess to them before communion. Let a lot of time pass before you approach a priest and ask him to be your confessor. “In order not to make mistakes, one should not rush,” advised the Monk Ambrose of Optina. And there is no need to rush in the matter of electing a spiritual leader. You must be convinced by experience that you will entrust your spiritual life and, in many respects, the matter of your salvation to this priest.

Do not choose a confessor based on predilection: his eloquence, abundance of spiritual children, fame, and especially his appearance. Choose, the holy fathers advise, someone who is humble, prayerful, and who does not judge anyone, who has the fear of God. Pray that the Lord will send you such a priest. How and when to meet him, decide later, it happens by itself.”

There is a stereotype that only an elder should be a confessor.
But this is not so (Painting “The Elder” Artist Dmitry Lukin) St. Isaiah advises:

Isaiah (Skitsky)

hermit, ascetic, church writer

“Pay attention not to the one who is already advanced in years, but to the one who is adorned with spiritual knowledge, deeds and experience, so that instead of benefit you do not receive harm to intensify your passions.”

Don’t worry if you don’t have a confessor or don’t want to look for one.

Although much has been said about how useful a confessor is, this does not mean at all that you can’t live without him. There are different situations. If God does not provide a confessor, then it is better without him.

There is such wisdom in the East:

“The teacher comes when the student is ready.”

It's worth listening to her. There is no spiritual father - it’s not time. Who knows what path the Lord has prepared for each of us. A spiritual father is not at all necessary for spiritual life.

A spiritual director is not a prerequisite for leading a spiritual life.

If you haven’t found the right priest or there is no need to look for him, you should listen to Archpriest Oleg Stenyaev:

Oleg (Stenyaev)

archpriest

“Saint Ignatius (Brianchaninov) said: lately there will be no spiritual guides - save yourself by books. This is the subjective reality of our days, but, by the grace of God, there are still people who have the skill of spiritual leadership.”

Well, and, perhaps, we should not forget that we are all, in a sense, spiritual teachers to each other, just as life itself is our best mentor.

In the video below, Archpriest Vladimir (Golovin) emphasizes that any spiritually experienced person can be a confessor - not necessarily priests and not necessarily a man:

By leaving a comment, you accept the user agreement

Achieving simplicity through humility

While engaged in the religious education of their students, the elders taught wisdom and promoted moral growth and improvement. During the earthly life of their spiritual student, they coordinated and directed the actions and actions of the child. The connection between teacher and student was very strong because it was built on trusting and respectful relationships, humility and love. Father Zachary instructed to take care of your conscience and strive for simplicity, which can only be achieved through humility.

People came to the elders for advice when there were doubts and difficult situations arose. They expected consolation and help from the confessor. The uniqueness of eldership in Orthodoxy lay in the unshakable faith and spiritual strength of the elders and in the subtle work that they carried out in the soul of their student. Influencing the human psyche, they delicately and carefully guide a person on the path of finding love for the Lord.