Mourning: what is it, how long does it last for a deceased relative or loved one among Orthodox, Catholics, Muslims or Buddhists, rules for wearing a black scarf

Women have long been considered more emotional, more receptive. Is this why widows, mothers who have lost their children, and orphaned daughters can be distinguished in a crowd by a characteristic attribute - a mourning scarf or headband. And their eyes are sad, and the grief of the whole world for the deceased is visible on their faces. But not all ladies want to demonstrate their grief so clearly. Some because of the principle of secrecy, some because of the banal absence of a black bandage or an implemented dress code at work, and some, let’s be honest, because of not too warm feelings for the deceased. Is it really necessary to wear a black headscarf at funerals and during mourning?

What is mourning - the concept of mourning. The appearance of the word in Russia during the time of Peter the Great

The word “mourning” appeared in the Russian language during the reign of Peter I. This is a borrowing from the German language – trauer, which means “mourning”. Literal translation: grief, sadness. The word appeared in the Russian vocabulary in the 18th century. Moreover, it is capacious, containing the whole meaning of the peculiarities of behavior after the funeral.

MOURNING IS AN EXTERNAL MANIFESTATION OF GRIEF. THE GREATER THE DEPTH OF THE FEELINGS ASSOCIATED WITH THE LOSS OF A LOVED ONE, THE LONGER THE PERSON WILL COMPLY WITH THE RULES DEFINED IN THIS CASE.

Ancient and modern customs:

there was a ban on laughter, today moderate joy according to the occasion is acceptable;
women must wear a mourning headband, a scarf is used instead, men must wear a ribbon;
they wore a veil, now such a tribute to fashion is a thing of the past;
It is customary to wear black clothes.

A person can mourn not only for loved ones, there are other reasons:

death of a well-known, fairly large public figure, ruler;
an emergency that resulted in the death of 10 people or more: regional or national mourning is declared, and sometimes people are given a day off.

Moreover, grief is expressed in different ways. Most often a prayer is read. It may be accompanied by a louder expression of sadness: lamentation, crying. Radical measures are also possible: cutting off hair, self-mutilation, suicide, including accepting death through fire (self-immolation), food restriction, etc.

Grieving woman

The ban had an effect

However, moderate crying was still allowed, because the church perfectly understood human grief, which needed to be expressed somehow. At the same time, restraint at funerals became an example in folk art: for example, in “The Tale of Ulyana Osoryina” of the 17th century, the author considers the heroine’s behavior at her son’s funeral worthy, because she “is not more screaming without lamentation, nor tormenting power, like other wives do.” according to the custom of the pagans."

In addition to the obvious indication of pagan customs, an Orthodox Christian woman was forbidden to let her hair down for the reason that loose hair in Christianity has always been a sign of a fallen woman, a harlot. And therefore, a righteous wife or maiden was forbidden to walk around with bare hair.

The unspoken church ban on letting down one's hair bore fruit: a native of the city of Ulm, Samuel Kiechel, who visited Rus' in the 15th century, wrote that all Russian women walk wrapped up, so that only their eyes are visible.

And the Swedish diplomat and historian Petre de Erlesund, describing the funeral procession that he encountered during the Time of Troubles, said that the girls were bitterly wailing behind the coffin, but at the same time pointed out that everyone’s heads were covered with veils.

This rule still applies today - often even non-believing Russian women try to cover their heads with a scarf at funerals.

The history of the custom of mourning for a deceased relative

The meaning of the word mourning does not oblige one to show sadness; it cannot force one to tie a scarf. But there are traditions that arose before it came into the Russian language. The ancestors followed the customs according to religion. The canons are different in each country:

Ancient Greece: there were rules for men, they had to wear a mourning bandage, it was customary not to shave until 40 days after the death of a loved one, women were supposed to mourn for their husband until the end of their own lives, the ban on removing it was relaxed when the widow remarried;
Ancient Rome: people were obliged to mourn for up to 10 months, and there were no prohibitions on participation in entertainment events, the duration of the period of grief for a deceased child over 10 years old was the same as for an adult, and younger children were mourned for a short time - as many months as age of the baby;
Medieval France: there were a number of strict rules, operating mainly among noble members of society, widows were supposed to sit on a black cloth for 1 month after the death of a loved one, and at the initial stage (the first 9 days) it was forbidden to get out of bed, the man tied a black ribbon, It was more difficult for the rulers - the queen was in her chambers for 1 year;
in Islamic countries: according to the Koran, a woman should mourn for a long time for her deceased husband - she should wear black clothes, in other cases it is recommended to show grief for no longer than 3 days.

Mourning in Ancient Greece

Paganism: funeral “according to the rules”

The posthumous fate of a person depended not on his actions and sins, but on how correctly the funeral was conducted: whether all rituals were observed, whether all conspiracies were spoken. Particularly noble Russians were entitled not only to human sacrifices when slaves or servants were killed, such people were entitled to “guides” to the land of the dead, who often became children aged from four to 14 years - historian Mikhail Nikolaevich Kozlov writes about this in his work “On the Question of pagan child sacrifices."

Mourners and female relatives played a huge role in the burial of a relative and in saying goodbye to him. In tradition, there was a demonstration of strange, possessed behavior, which was supposed to notify everyone of grief.

Grief for the deceased was often expressed in wild hysterical screams, howling, crying and lamentations. As a sign of grief, the mourners, relatives and wife of the deceased, had to let their long hair down over their shoulders, tear it out in clumps, tear their clothes, and even in a frenzy, “tear” and scratch their faces and hands until they bled. This custom is still preserved in some villages of Montenegro and Dalmatia - the famous anthropologist James George Frazer mentions it.

Is it necessary to wear a black scarf to a funeral?

Previously, there was a rule: after the death of a loved one, women tied a mourning scarf or bandage; they must wear one thing. It was impossible to remove such a piece of clothing before the anniversary of the death of the deceased.

THIS IS AN UNWRITTEN RULE, FOR ITS VIOLATION THE WOMAN WAS CHAPPED BY SOCIETY.

Today people have already moved away from strict requirements for observing customs. Women independently decide whether to wear a mourning scarf on their heads at a funeral (when the actual burial takes place). The meaning of this action remains the same, but no one will blame for failure to comply with such a rule (in cities, not small villages, where many long-standing traditions are alive). If the deceased will be buried in church, wearing a headscarf during this period is mandatory for Orthodox believers.

There are no strict rules for wearing a black headscarf.

Ritual clothing for women

Ritual clothing for women also does not require any additional attributes. Plain dress with underwear. Unless the hair must be covered without fail. For this, it is allowed to use not only a scarf. This could be a stole or a light scarf.

In the old days, unmarried girls were buried in a wedding dress. Thus, they fulfilled the last wish of the deceased to dress up in the bride’s dress. A wreath and veil were placed on the head. Nowadays, you can also find a similar tradition. It is believed that virgins in the next world become brides of Jesus Christ, so you should look appropriate.

From the above, we can conclude that the deceased is dressed so that at the moment of farewell he looks the way he himself would like it. Namely, to look solemn, as in life. In terms of footwear, traditional white slippers are used. But you can also use ordinary shoes, from which nails and metal parts are removed.

It is difficult to say what causes the removal of nails from the sole. Moreover, modern shoes no longer use nails to secure the sole. We hope that in the comments someone can clarify this point.

How long does mourning last according to religious rules and canons?

There are quite a few religions: Orthodoxy, Catholicism, Buddhism, Judaism, Hinduism, Taoism, Confucianism, Islam, etc. Each is based on certain dogmas, rules that must be observed and accepted, even if the believer does not fully understand their meaning. Traditions differ significantly:

ethical standards of grief among Orthodox and Catholics: death is perceived as a stage of transition from earthly life to eternal life, the deceased is called deceased (it is believed that he is sleeping), when the time comes, he will awaken to become immortal, a period of 40 days is mandatory, for during which women should wear a mourning scarf, black clothes, at the end of this period of time they leave the bandage, clothes are chosen in other colors (bright);
3 stages of mourning in Judaism: it is necessary to adhere to the rules that allow one to pay tribute to the deceased, to express the depth of grief; during the initial period (onen) one must take care of the burial of the deceased; during the first week (shiva) they do not make physical efforts, do not even wash or they read the Torah, after the first month (shloshim) the Jews return to their normal lives, but entertainment is prohibited, mourning for parents is observed for up to 1 year;
Buddhism: it is recommended to wear gray clothes rather than black, and mourning can last 49-100 days, and the rule/regularity applies - the closer a person is to the deceased, the longer it is necessary to mourn (100 days), it is enough to remember acquaintances for 49 days;
Islam: the rule is 3 days - this is how long it is necessary to mourn the deceased, which is due to the complete acceptance by Muslims of the dogma that “everything is the will of Allah”; women are supposed to mourn for a deceased spouse for 4 months, 10 days;
manifestations and terms of mourning in different countries: Catholics are more conservative, they follow rules, among which - mourning lasts up to 1 year, if you are wondering how a believer should behave, you should know that he is supposed to wear clothes in black, he must definitely refuse all kinds entertainment, Hindus have various traditions, for example, the deceased are dressed in bright saris, the neck remains decorated, as in life, the men of the tribes of Western Victoria in Australia mourn their wife for 3 months, tear the skin on the forehead, women do the same, but on for 1 year.

Muslim women in mourning

Mourning for the deceased in Orthodoxy today

It is not enough to simply wear a black scarf to a funeral; various rules must be followed. This will partly help the soul of the deceased, because during the entire period, close relatives not only show grief in order to speed up the healing of wounds left after the death of a loved one, but also take care of the soul of the deceased.

How long should you mourn?

Today, not everyone is in mourning. However, the tradition is gradually reviving. The father of the family mourns for 6 months if his wife dies. Other cases:

you should pray for parents after death (for the mother and father of your husband or wife) for 12 months;
the death of a grandmother or grandfather can be mourned for 6 months;
brothers and sisters who are no longer alive also need the prayers of loved ones, but the duration of mourning is much shorter;
if one of the second-degree relatives (uncle or aunt) died, no more than 3 months are allotted for mourning.

Mourning the dead

Grief and Prayer

There are different opinions:

according to traditions, they put on black clothes, tie a mourning ribbon on their head (scarf, bandage), and show grief in every possible way;
in the modern world, even the church does not welcome directing forces towards external manifestations of grief, you can refuse this by observing the basic traditions (mourning for 40 days, wearing a headscarf at funerals, the rest of the time - headbands), read more prayers for the deceased, because you are a Christian knows that relatives can alleviate the sins of the deceased when they sincerely pray for him.

IF YOU DO NOT HAVE EXPERIENCE IN READING THE SACRED WORDS, YOU CAN TURN TO YOUR FATHER AND TAKE A PRAYER BOOK. BUT OFTEN, EVEN ARBITRARY WORDS SPEAKED FROM THE SOUL CAN HAVE NO LESS POWER THAN PRAYER WORDS.

Woman mourning

Dark color in appearance

While mourning continues, it is customary to wear black clothes. In the modern world, such a tradition is no longer supported - they wear a mourning ribbon, and not all the time. It is not recommended to wear brightly colored accessories. Today, the answer to the question of how to observe mourning is simpler - you can wear different wardrobe items, taking into account the color, since the choice is very wide. Jewelry should not adorn the mourner's plain clothing.

Mourning clothes

Ban on entertainment and alcohol

Most religions recommend limiting your entertainment during the mourning period. It is necessary to exercise abstinence when consuming food and alcoholic beverages. Such restrictions are a recommendation that will allow you to take care of your soul, not think about bodily pleasures during mourning, and devote more time to prayer.

Quitting alcohol

When can you take off your black scarf?

There are several answers to the question of how long mourning lasts and when you can stop wearing a black bandage or scarf. In the modern world, black items of clothing are worn before going to church for a funeral service, and may not be removed at the cemetery or during a funeral service, but today few people adhere to this rule beyond this period. People usually don’t wear a black headscarf after a funeral.

The exception is situations when grief is extremely strong (death of a son, only child). Then dad and mom cannot find consolation; they look for it in the external manifestation of grief. The parent tends to wear a headscarf, and the father wears dark clothes or a mourning bandage.

IN PREVIOUS TIMES, THESE SYMBOLS OF MOURNING WERE NOT REMOVED UNTIL 40 DAYS, AND SOMETIMES WERE WORN UNTIL THE FIRST ANNIVERSARY OF DEATH.

To attract? Or to scare away?

It was believed that at the time of the funeral of a fellow tribesman, the world of the dead was closer than ever to the world of the living, and such behavior could serve two completely opposite things - with magic spells it was necessary to open the way for the soul of the deceased so that it would “go” to the forefathers, and not remain here on earth - the Slavs believed that a deceased relative could become a navyu - an evil spirit if something went wrong during the funeral.

With screams and lamentations, women could drive away the evil demons living in the world of the dead, so that they, seeing them crazy and scary, did not dare to cross the border between the worlds. The Slavs associated loose, disheveled hair with witchcraft, the world of spirits, and demonic possession.

Women tearing out their hair or cutting it, shortening it meant breaking all ties with the deceased, giving the deceased his “share”, and for the woman herself, manipulation of her hair meant her transition to a new status: from wife to widow, from daughter to orphan. Pagan men, on the contrary, stopped cutting their hair as a sign of grief.

Mourning for mom and dad

Compliance with religious rules allows you to escape from the chaos in the soul that daily grips a grieving person. In this matter, no one demands adherence to strict deadlines.

MOURNING ENDS WHEN A PERSON FEELS SUFFICIENT INNER STRENGTH.

Director of a funeral agency

A black scarf on a woman’s head is an outward manifestation of grief, resignation to the death of a loved one. Sometimes it is worn constantly, it does not matter how long the period of mourning lasted. Men do not wear a headscarf and limit themselves to a bandage.

A woman puts on a headscarf

Ritual clothing for men

Costumes for men are not obligatory ritual clothing. Those who had to wear a uniform on duty are buried in military clothing. These could be not only military personnel, but also firefighters and police officers who died in the line of duty.

You also don’t have to be a military man to ask during your lifetime to be buried in this or that clothing. The current time dictates its own conditions. Therefore, you should not be surprised that a rocker-style biker jacket can become ritual clothing for men.

The will of the deceased is a kind of last expression of will during life. Indeed, many may be surprised by the image of the deceased in a suit and tie, if his only hobby in life was a motorcycle. In this case, a leather jacket, an integral attribute of bikers, is almost equivalent to the uniform of a retired military man.

Compromise with custom - ethical considerations and personal decision

Established customs are not suitable for all people. Many people find it easier to cope with grief in a different way:

grieve without external manifestation: not every Orthodox Christian wears mourning symbols or shows the depth of grief, but the range of feelings is experienced internally; for comparison, the strength of a Muslim’s faith in what is written in the Koran is so strong that usually there is no thought of breaking traditions;
mourning vestments outside of work: if the dress code at the workplace does not allow wearing mourning symbols, it is permissible to take them off for a while and put them on again at the end of the working day, this will not be a violation of the laws of God, but only a slight deviation from accepted traditions;
replace the color of sadness: you can move away from black, choose any of the mourning colors that contribute to the expression of grief, but not everyone knows about this, which means that the choice of blue, green, white or purple is perceived incorrectly by others.

Long-term mourning from the point of view of doctors and psychologists

The external manifestation of mourning allows others to understand how deep the grief for the deceased is. If a person does not take off his black clothes for a long time, it is important to provide him with psychological help in a timely manner, since prolonged mourning leads to concentration on one’s grief and withdrawal from reality. Medical luminaries have long agreed that a short mourning period (40 days) is sufficient to say goodbye to the deceased. You can remember him annually on the anniversary of his death.

Prolonged mourning is destructive