How I stopped believing in God. Part 1: Background and turning point.


“I don’t even know, it seems to me that I don’t believe anymore... And I can’t imagine what to do with it...” I hear these words every day from all over the world, from representatives of any Christian denomination, from every rung of the social ladder.

They were all once very devout, but now, for various reasons, the ground of faith is disappearing from under their feet - and they are in a panic.

Their fear is understandable. It's really quite scary. It is one thing to question the foundations of the church or point out the gaps in religious systems that people themselves have invented, or even to criticize the Bible and the ways it is interpreted. You can live with all this. We can go through these crises and still continue to firmly believe that God exists and that He is good. There are days when this is the only thing we believe in, but usually it is enough.

Losing faith is more than weakness of will.

But what to do if, despite insomnia, intense prayers, endless questions and exertion of willpower, you realize that you no longer believe in anything? What do you do when the very reality of God (or the fact that God is good) becomes an unaffordable luxury for you? How to survive in the epicenter of a spiritual catastrophe?

Do not give up. God is strong enough to handle your doubts.

Most often, the point is not to become even more stubborn or “religious.” In most cases, people begin to doubt, despite constant Bible reading, prayer, regular church attendance, participation in church services and a desire to believe with all their hearts. They never shied away from all these right things. They are truly God-fearing and active Christians, but all these activities no longer provide the clarity, confidence and comfort that they usually did.

Almost everyone who comes to me in this state of spiritual emptiness and dryness says that they feel guilty. They lament, realizing that no one can help them regain what they have lost, and they scold themselves for not being able to bring themselves to believe as before, when it was easy and simple.

If you are currently in the midst of such a spiritual storm, I will not tell you that there is a quick and easy way to regain your faith. I can’t even say that you will ever return it, at least in its previous form. Perhaps something awaits you that is completely different from what you have experienced before.

Why does faith grow cold over time?

Many people are familiar with this state: it seems that just recently the heart was burning for the Lord, but today it is dry, you don’t want to pray, doubts come from all sides. So the day goes on, the second, the third, a month... And suddenly the thought pierces: there is no faith?! How natural – or, conversely, unnatural – is such a state? Why does faith diminish over time? Can this be avoided and how? And what should we do to survive this period with the least spiritual loss? Pastors share their advice.

“Grace returns if a person is zealous”

Hegumen Nektary (Morozov):

– Probably, the point here is not so much about time, but about whether a person is diligent and constant in his Christian life.

When grace departs, this is how the Lord tests a person

When a person is engaged in any business, he tries to succeed in it, after time he succeeds in it, and the more time passes, the more experience, greater skill, and skill comes. The same can be said about the Christian life. If a person began to live this life and took advantage of those grace-filled gifts that the Lord gives to those who have just turned to Him, and then, losing zeal and warmth of heart, does not lift up the work with which Christian life should be associated, then naturally, cooling and some kind of internal devastation sets in. But if a person works, and works zealously, then something else happens: at times he experiences a certain state when it seems to him that grace has departed from him, but in fact this is a time when the Lord is simply testing a person, and grace is really hidden. But if a person works hard, if a person is constantly cheerful and zealous, then grace returns, and the person again experiences joy from his Christian life, and consolation, and some amazing feeling of the fullness of being. And if during this period a person, out of cowardice and inconstancy, abandons his work and zeal, then cooling cannot be avoided, and then very, very great efforts are required in order to return again to a good Christian life.

"Unbelief always comes as a consequence of unrepentance"

Hegumen Luka (Stepanov):

– I’m not very familiar with this. “Cooling of faith” is, apparently, an admission that it is not one’s own sins that are the cause of all sorts of disturbances in the soul and in life, but that, they say, the Church is mistaken, and I am good! "Where will we go? “You have the words of Eternal Life,” the apostles said to Christ when He exposed their heartfelt confusion with the question: “Do you also want to depart from Me?” I think that a repentant who, on the advice of St. Theophan the Recluse, strives to acquire the “spirit of unceasing self-reproach” may have many and different sins, but there is almost no disappointment in our divinely revealed Orthodox faith. Unbelief always comes as a consequence of unrepentance.

“To overcome coldness, find those who are having an even more difficult time and start helping them.”

Hieromonk Dimitri (Pershin):

– Alas, cooling in faith happens to us every hour, or rather, every second. So I woke up and decided that I would say my morning prayers. But then the thought comes about unanswered letters, about dust that needs to be wiped away... - and my determination disappeared somewhere. And vanity consumed my soul without a trace. And in the middle of the day I catch myself that my prayers have not been read. Or I came to the service, joined in what was happening, with one mouth with the choir and clergy I turn to God, but suddenly I remember that Ivan Ivanovich quarreled with Ivan Nikiforovich, and I begin to think about how to reconcile them. Or whether oil will become cheaper or more expensive. Or that Australian penguins are smaller than Antarctic penguins. Why is this happening? How did I end up on the far side? Because he is receptive to evil. Not focused. Absent-minded. The same goes for longer distances. After all, even in spiritual life the aphorism is true that you can walk towards yourself for so long that you completely forget how to walk. From a series of small substitutions, a habit of sin, passion, dependence is born - and now a person is no longer himself. It’s not him, but his wish list that makes the decision for him. According to one of the Athonite ascetics of the century before last, our passions become demons for us. And it is they who will cover the Sky. They grow into our nature and shamelessly distort it. And we become a caricature of ourselves. The enemy of our salvation is perpetrating this terrible phantasmagoria on humanity, wanting to annoy the Creator. And all that remains for us, having realized what we have gotten ourselves into, is to get up again and again and turn to Him with a prayer for mercy that we have not deserved.

It happens, however, that cooling in faith is due to the fact that a person gets tired of butting heads with those external circumstances that, as it seems to him, prevent him from witnessing to Christ. For example, Sergei Fudel, who suffered in Stalin’s camps for more than two decades, recalled how his father, Archpriest Joseph Fudel, in his old age, lost his pastoral passion and began to devote more and more time to tea parties with friends. And this was due to the fact that he was unable to overcome all that routine, all that endless paperwork that the Church demanded of the clergy during the Synodal period of its existence.

Therefore, the reasons for such cooling can be both internal and external. But we must remember that the Lord provides for us. And if we begin to grow stale and die in our lukewarmness, then a fiery temptation comes upon us. Those same persecutions and other sorrows that shake us up, invigorate us and, paradoxically, give us the strength to return to the narrow path.

My scanty experience suggests that, firstly, if we are tormented by this very “cooling” or if we are offended and squeezed into pincers, the only thing that is needed is to find those who are even more difficult, and, without delay, begin to help them. Now I’m not even talking about the beggars in the passages. I’m talking about those who are sick, who have small children in their arms, no father, who are simply waiting for a kind word or a phone call from us, and maybe a Skype connection. The fact is that the heavenly bank has different interest rates. And a penny of our time, our investments and worries is converted into quiet joy, and often into reciprocal assistance to us in our affairs.

Secondly, if the work we are doing is worthwhile, then let us remember that, in the words of Yuri Shevchuk, “The Lord respects us.” And therefore, we must do it in simplicity of heart, preparing for the worst, hoping for the best, and then - as God wills. When you walk through an oncoming thunderstorm to your home, there is no time for cooling down - everything around is so wet and disgusting - here you just have to go.

“Go to church, confess, repent, take communion”

Archpriest Alexander Ilyashenko:

– Such temptation, of course, happens. But we must keep in mind that our human life is, so to speak, a striped thing. Periods of recovery are followed by periods of some kind of spiritual relaxation. We need to be prepared for this and not go to any extremes, not be discouraged, but understand that this period is to some extent natural due to our human weakness, but we must not give in to weakness - we need to mobilize and patiently and diligently endure this time of some kind of spiritual cooling, without in any way agreeing that this is forever. The evil one puts such a thought into it. And this is a crafty thought, you cannot believe it. You need to understand that even if this is an involuntary sin, it is a sin, and you don’t want to lose heart and retreat from the Church - so go to church, confess, repent, partake of the Holy Mysteries of Christ, ask the Lord for forgiveness - and with God’s help you will overcome this temptation.

“It is very important for Christians to come together and share their experiences”

Archpriest Konstantin Parkhomenko:

– Cooling occurs when habituation occurs. This also happens in marital relationships - after about two years of married life. This is what happens in faith. I put this next to each other for a reason, since these states are very similar in nature. Very often, the Holy Scriptures and the Holy Fathers likened the relationship with God to marriage. And here and here we are dealing with difficulty, with effort.

To prevent cooling, so that faith is always “in good shape”, in a state of combustion, it is necessary to monitor the following.

1. Faith should not be formal, but should be living. This means that we must observe ourselves: has our prayer turned into a soulless reading of the prayer rule? Hasn't attending church services turned into distracted standing around for services?

It is important to watch yourself so that your prayer is alive and sincere, so that you maintain a not formalized, but a living relationship with God.

We must "grow" in faith. Any stop leads to a fall

2. We must “grow” in faith. Any stop leads to a fall. What does growth happen through? Through gradual growth in prayer, in good deeds, through reading and meditation on the Holy Scriptures and the writings of the holy fathers and ascetics of the faith. Our faith should be the source and life-giving force of our personal growth.

3. We must be creative in our approach to faith. If a Christian does not have a Christian “passion,” he may soon become bored with the faith. The Apostle Paul wrote that we all have our gifts from the Holy Spirit and must develop them. Some people have charisma (= a gift of grace) and a testimony of faith, some are excellent prayer books, some love and know how to engage in social projects and affairs. Everyone can find something they like and gradually grow in it. Just as the flowers in the meadow are different, but each flower is beautiful in its own way, so every Christian is unique and beautiful in his own way.

If we find in faith the resources to realize the talents and abilities inherent in each of us, then such faith cannot become boring.

4. It is very important for Christians to get together and share their experiences, tell brothers and sisters what difficulties we personally have faced, get acquainted with their experiences, support each other, etc. The fact is that the phenomenon of “professional burnout” has been discovered for half a century now. Those who work with people are susceptible to such burnout: teachers, doctors, priests, etc. For many years, psychologists have been trying to find a “therapy” that would prevent and help overcome such burnout and lack of interest in work. And so it was discovered that there is nothing better than getting together in groups and jointly discussing, under the guidance of a competent specialist, the problems that have arisen. This therapy was called “Balint groups”.

In some respects, a similar technique can help Christians avoid burnout and coldness. As a matter of fact, Christians have been gathering together and communicating since ancient times, so this is not some kind of innovation, but a very normal phenomenon. It’s just not normal when parishioners are separated, unfamiliar, and everyone comes to the temple for their own needs.

“Without prayer, faith is impossible”

Priest Valery Dukhanin:

– Cooling down in faith can happen to any Christian. But this is not due to the fact that a lot of time has passed and a person seems to be tired of faith, but to the fact that we become lukewarm and lose spiritual zeal.

When faith has no embodiment in life, then, of course, it goes away. It's like a good book, once read and put on a distant shelf. The person seems to treat it well, knows that it exists somewhere, but simply does not address it in everyday life. Likewise, faith, if it does not manifest itself in any way in real life - by visiting a temple, by treating others, by solving life situations - then it is pushed somewhere to the periphery.

Faith in God is not a recognition that God exists, but a living sensation of the presence of God

But in general, in order to understand the reasons for cooling in faith, we need to find out what faith actually is. Essentially speaking, faith in God is not just a recognition that God really exists. True faith in God is a living sensation of the presence of God, when you feel with your whole being that the Lord is next to you and you have the opportunity to turn to Him - He will hear and answer, because He is Love. That is, faith is a special heart connection. This is how when two people love each other, they have a heart connection and it is obvious to them, although others do not feel it. Faith is evidence; a person feels God with his whole being, and does not just recognize it with his mind.

And such faith is supported only by prayer, by direct appeal to the Lord. Imagine that a believer will not pray for a whole year and will not visit a temple even once. Yes, in a year there will be nothing left of his faith, because he does not turn to God at all. The Lord will be relegated to the margins of his soul. And it may seem that there is no God at all. Just like at night we don’t see icons in the room because there is no light, and it may also seem that there are no icons there at all, but if you light a lamp, the light illuminates the holy faces. So our prayer is the light of faith that reveals to us the presence of God. When we lose prayer, we lose the light that reveals God. Without this light, one might think that God does not exist at all. That is, faith in God is inseparable from our inner connection with Him. Having lost contact with the Lord, we cease to feel Him and therefore begin to think that He does not exist.

The impoverishment of faith is always associated with the impoverishment of personal spiritual experience. Accordingly, faith is strengthened by living and sincere prayer, when each time you rise not to formally read the rules, but to communicate with the Heavenly Father. Prayer brings a living connection with the Lord, and from this faith will also be alive.

Faith in general grows from our readiness to follow Christ, to be faithful to Him in any situations - sorrowful and joyful - to solve problems from the position of the Gospel commandments. If you try to build your life according to the Gospel, correlate it with the commandments and repent of sins, then the Lord with His grace will strengthen your faith.

“We need to drive away the demonic spirit of unbelief”

Priest Dimitry Shishkin:

– Faith is the highest manifestation of free human will, on the one hand, and the gift of Divine grace, on the other. And the blessed indescribable states of “triumph of faith” bestowed upon us by the Lord, undoubtedly, are and must be replaced by periods of “bad weather,” when the Sun of Truth is hidden from us. But this happens precisely so that even during the “inclement darkness” we preserve with our will the memory of the Sun, and this is a necessary test of our faith, which no one can avoid.

No one and no circumstances - neither external nor internal - can force a person to believe or not to believe. This is the secret of faith. And the more consciously and clearly we imprint and confess our faith in the most difficult and troubled periods, the more we strengthen our faith and the more we attract God’s favor to ourselves, which manifests itself, as a rule, in certain “insights,” so to speak. , when the light of the Sun of truth is partly revealed to our soul and an experimental understanding of what “Spiritual Heaven” is partly becomes available. Of course, these are not the highest states and experiences that holy people experience, but this is not some kind of ghost, but the reality of spiritual life, revealed to us by the Lord for our confirmation in faith.

Besides this, there is one more thing to remember. There is undoubtedly a demonic spirit of unbelief. And you need to know this so as not to be faint-hearted and not to be surprised, not to lose heart in the event of its sudden attack, when the soul seems to be enveloped in the darkness of unbelief. This is a time of absolutely necessary struggle for us, a test of our freedom. It is at such moments that one must consciously and firmly say: “I don’t believe you, spirit of unbelief, get away from me, I believe in my Lord, I worship and serve Him alone.” This is a certain unshakable point of faith, a point of our will and free choice, a point of determination. And no one has power over this “point”. We must confess our faith, no matter what, and then in due time the Lord will certainly send us both consolation and the inexpressible joy of communicating with him in repentance and contrition of heart.

Our task is to stand strong in faith, no matter what thoughts and feelings overwhelm us.

You should never be troubled by the spirit of unbelief. He does his “work” - he tempts, tests. And our task is to stand firmly in our faith, no matter what thoughts, moods and feelings contrary to it may overwhelm us. The Greeks have a saying: “A good captain is visible in bad weather.” This is about us. It is very important not to give in to all these “winds, storms and fogs” that give no rest and sometimes do not immediately dissipate even during prayer. Not giving in means, even in the most desperate storm and storm, remembering the moment when you will again meet the Sun of Truth - Christ. And it is very important to maintain such a disposition so that then, in a moment of silence, you can say from the bottom of your heart: “Lord, You know, even in a storm, I believed only in You!”

“By being patient, you will wait for spiritual spring”

Priest Leonid Kudryachov:

– They say: “time heals.” And in fact, experiences and sorrows after time are no longer so acute and sensitive. But it seems that time also “heals” spiritual experiences. Over the years, it may turn out that faith is no longer the same, not so alive, sincere, ardent. This is the experience of many people, you can’t just brush it aside. Preserving your first love is not an easy task, but increasing it is a feat. But this is the same case when they say: it’s difficult - it means it’s necessary! A classic illustration of this is the image of a dying fire, which will flare up again if you begin to add the appropriate fuel to it.

There is also such a theory: in the personal faith of each person there is a certain change of seasons. Our inner bright, juicy summer is coming to an end, and a tearful autumn is coming. And then it gets even worse - it means winter has come. But, by showing patience, you will wait until spring; spiritual upliftment, the desire to please God, and the feeling of His presence will reappear. And this change of seasons is normal. Some people are more sensitive to it, others less. Understanding all this, it is easier to survive the next winter.

Return

And still something needs to be done. Question - what?

Maybe you need to pray more, or start a Bible study group, or go to church more often. Or maybe it’s not necessary. After all, God is not only found in “spiritual things.”

Maybe today you just need to look around, look at familiar shapes, listen, touch, breathe and taste. Maybe the best thing you can do is simply revisit the things and activities you know so well and re-accept them with gratitude.

When you accept these beautiful, pure, visible gifts and appreciate them, you cannot help but recognize the Giver. This may be all the faith you can muster right now, but that's okay. Simply living and being grateful for life is already a spiritual quest; this is a sacred attitude.

“Christians need to gather and share experiences”

(priest Konstantin Parkhomenko)

In faith, as in marriage, cooling comes when a person gets used to it. To preserve family and faith, effort and work are necessary.

The following recommendations will help prevent cooling:

  • Make sure that the prayer remains alive and not formal (soulless proofreading).
  • Constantly “grow” in faith.
  • Be creative – develop Christian “hobbies.” For example, embroidering icons, working in an icon shop, reading and singing in the choir, practicing military-industrial complex with children, and so on.
  • Gather with other Orthodox Christians and share experiences in overcoming difficulties, talk about pilgrimage trips, provide support, etc.

Fewer turns - faster to the intended goal

You will see how the feeling of gratitude will lead you on a straight path to the lost sense of faith. It will clear the path to God from all sadness, disappointment, doubt and even religiosity.

Do not give up. God is powerful enough to help you overcome your doubts, and He knows exactly what you are going through and why you are finding it so hard to believe right now.

Perhaps now you have truly lost the faith that you always had, or you have simply changed a little yourself. Either way, this is an opportunity to take a deep breath, look around and enjoy everything you see along the way.

If greater faith is not within your power now, so be it for now. Hold on!

“The Christian life requires consistency and diligence.”

(abbot Nektariy (Morozov))

When a person just comes to the Lord, he feels the warmth of his heart, shows zeal, sometimes is ready to pray around the clock, but often, without calculating his own strength, he gets tired and stops his work to save the soul, then internal devastation sets in.

However, if a person continues to work and pray, then the period of weakening faith passes, he again begins to feel God’s grace and joy from his own Christian life.

If, during a period of life's difficulties, when faith weakens, you stop working and praying out of cowardice, then serious efforts will be required later to take the path of salvation.

Loss of spiritual knowledge

“Yes, and how did you forget that the Lord is able to do everything for the children of men according to His will, if it so happens that they show faith in Him?” (1 Nephi 7:12).

Spiritual knowledge is acquired through work and diligence and maintained through faith and living according to our beliefs. Although it is difficult to see in others, we can understand that we lose knowledge when what we once knew becomes vague and distant. This is a sign that we may have strayed from the Lord's intended path.

Like a plant, our knowledge can wither away if we do not care for it and keep it alive.

We must be constantly vigilant in maintaining our store of spiritual knowledge. If you find yourself stumbling, you may want to consider making changes to your lifestyle that will allow the spirit to be more present in your life. He is like a librarian of your mind, who brings you knowledge when necessary.

What should I take away from all this?

“Whoever puts his trust in God will be sustained in his trials, and his troubles, and his afflictions, and will be lifted up at the last day” (Alma 36:3).

The first step to change is to recognize that you need to change. Everyone has the ability, but some may take longer than others. Here are a few key ideas that I wanted to highlight as you reflect on the areas in which you need to improve. As you pray and work hard, the Lord will guide you in your trials of faith so that you can become a strong child of God.

  • When we notice our own or others' apostasy, the Lord asks us to “test” Him in this (Malachi 3:10) and see if He will bless us if we keep His commandments.
  • Spiritual knowledge is achieved through work and diligence and is supported by faith and doing what we believe.
  • When we are faced with unanswerable questions, we can lose focus on the small, simple truths that are at the center of the gospel.
  • In times of trial, turn to the Lord and ask Him for strength to overcome whatever comes your way.
  • Instead of looking at others and asking, “why can’t I do what they do,” say, “look at what I’ve been able to achieve.”
  • We can gain eternal truths revealed to us through the words of past prophets and modern prophets.

I highly recommend that anyone seeking comfort and guidance for loved ones who have lost their way read this talk by James E. Faust.

This article was originally published on LDS.net. By Brayden Steele. Translator Anna Martaller.

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