We stop communicating with a person when we are offended by him, do not answer phone calls and ignore him in every possible way. That is, instead of avoiding conflict, or wanting the person to apologize, we do the exact opposite of what we want.
Women are most susceptible to feelings of resentment. For many of us, resentment is a sense of self-preservation, at the level of a natural reflex:
- They were rude - I was offended.
- Didn't live up to expectations - I was offended.
- They scolded me and she was also offended.
And so on. We can come up with a bunch of reasons why we are offended, and sometimes we ourselves are not aware of it or simply forget what served as another impetus for us to be offended.
What is this connected with? How and why do grievances arise? How can this affect us and why should we not be offended? We answer these and other questions in the article below.
Are there any advantages to resentment?
First of all, it must be said that a person who feels offended seems to increase his own importance. But, of course, this is a deceptive feeling, but it is very pleasant, especially for people with low self-esteem.
The train of thought of the offended person is often something like this: “Here I am, so important and significant in this life, but they took me and undeservedly offended me, insulted my dignity. And I know for sure that he is wrong, a traitor, an insolent and a parasite! And if the offender apologizes to such a person, the situation only gets worse, because the one who was offended argues that since they apologized to him, it means they admitted their guilt and he ended up being right.
The second common “positive” quality of resentment is that an offended person can manipulate his offender or structure the situation in such a way as to gain benefit and satisfy some of his needs.
For example, weak people have the habit of demonstrating their resentment in order to show attention to their person and make amends to them: they bought a toy, made a gift, gave something, etc. Some women in such situations try to “win” some desired thing, and men, having quarreled with their other half, can cheat with peace of mind, because “they are not valued”
Children use a different tactic: they manipulate so that they are given money, because... They think that they have been offended and the offender must “pay off”.
And another moment that warms the heart of an offended person is the feeling of connection with the one who offended him. On the external plane, this manifests itself either in active interaction, i.e. in sorting out relationships, or in removal.
In the first case, the offended person gets the impression that he is next to the offender, “together” with him. As a rule, this is observed in people who grew up in dysfunctional families, in which anger and resentment are the norm. A person simply reproduces his usual style of communication, manifesting it in interactions with family members, friends, colleagues, etc.
In the second case, people who distance themselves from their offenders keep the hope that from now on they will not experience pain, but in reality they acquire only obsessive thoughts about those whom they supposedly forgot, as well as meaningless and painful expectations - they keep thinking that everything could would be different.
But the offended person understands that the offense does not bode well, and begins to think about what he should do with his “treasure” now
Let's pay attention to this issue, because we definitely need help
Effect on the body
Since resentment blocks anahata, problems in this area move to the physical level. The risk of tumors (mastopathy, lung or breast cancer), pneumonia, and heart disease increases.
When we are offended, the hormonal system activates cortisol, norepinephrine, melatonin, which causes our muscles to spasm. The stomach reacts inappropriately: gastric juice is secreted for no reason (without food intake), which ultimately ends in an ulcer.
When anahata is blocked, the overall energy balance is disrupted, which means problems can arise in any part of the body. The throat center, Vishuddha, located immediately above the heart chakra, is especially often affected.
This leads to asthma, bronchitis, thyroid diseases, frequent colds, etc. Among other things, touchiness weakens the immune system and the desire for life, which greatly delays the process of recovery from any illness.
You are often offended. Look within yourself for the reason.
Maybe you have noticed that when you are dissatisfied, you are in a bad mood, then everyone treats you badly - the salesman in the store was rude, you stepped on your foot on the bus, your boss scolded you at work, and you are offended by them because They do this to you, it would seem unfair, because you haven’t done anything bad to them in particular. But in fact, the people around you are just like mirrors reflecting your attitude towards yourself, it is you who scold yourself, and on a mental, intuitive level, those around you also scold you, they are also dissatisfied with you.
For example, if a girl considers herself ugly, then those around her will intuitively feel and express their thoughts to her about her appearance, hint to her that she needs to change her wardrobe, hair color, or go to a cosmetologist.
If we love ourselves and accept ourselves as we are, and do not scold ourselves for mistakes, for weaknesses, then the people around us will treat us friendly, because we will radiate joy, and people subconsciously feel this.
So, if someone did something bad to you, offended you in some way, then you don’t need to be offended by it, we ourselves provoked this person’s behavior with our negative thoughts, because thoughts always materialize, sometimes through other people. We need to understand how we provoked his behavior towards us, change the root cause in ourselves, forgive the “offender” and thank him for his valuable life lesson. And your resentment will immediately be replaced by positive emotions.
How to make peace with an offender?
Sometimes a person realizes very late that he has fallen under the power of his negative feelings, in particular resentment. Well, he can’t stomach this person and that’s all, and he can’t help himself. What should I do?
Tell me, have you ever been offended by yourself? How long have you been offended? We always forgive ourselves , and the more we love ourselves, the faster we do it, right?
Example . You all went to school and probably noticed that almost all teachers have their favorites.
Now new students come to the teacher’s class, he watches them, then he singles out someone in particular, then he favors him. And over time, he overestimates his grades, does not notice his bad behavior - after all, he is a favorite!
The teacher found something in this child that made him fall in love with him so much. Maybe for beautiful eyes, or maybe for a lively mind - it doesn’t matter. He FOUND something to love him for .
Why not make an effort and turn your abuser into a favorite?
Just take a piece of paper, use your brain and write down what is good about this person. This simple exercise can work wonders. When we are offended, we automatically, subconsciously try to find something else bad in the one who offended us.
But you need to immediately stop such thoughts and, on the contrary, try with all your might to justify the person and his action. And then the resentment, like sugar, will dissolve in a warm glass of our tea-love.
Close people - resentment squared!!!
One ancient fabulist, whose name was Aesop, once said the following words:
It is doubly difficult to endure insults from those people from whom we least have the right to expect them.
And indeed, it’s difficult to offend me personally; I don’t care who thinks about me or what. The only person who can truly hurt my feelings is the person who is especially close to me - my wife.
For many people, family is a testing ground where our patience, long-suffering and ability to forgive are tested. Some people, aware of the difficulties of marriage, decide that it is better to remain single than to constantly participate in this battle of opposites.
But in fact, these tests are very useful and should not be feared.
Example : Imagine mountains, passes, stones. Could you lie down and sunbathe on a pile of such stones? If you are not a yogi, then most likely you will just injure your body.
But then you came to the sea, lay down on the stones and... whatever! Because water rubbed, rubbed, rubbed against each other for many years, and all their sharp corners were erased. Now lying on them is a pleasure!
Likewise in marriage: if the husband and wife have the right attitude and desire to change themselves, and not their life partner, then all the friction that will inevitably arise will only serve for the good.
These pebbles will polish all the sharp corners of their character against each other, and after a few years each of them will become a person who will no longer hurt others with the sharp corners of their imperfect character. It will be pleasant to communicate with them and be friends.
What will help you not to be offended?
Sometimes we forget that many of us have just begun our Christian journey. These people have good motives, but may not have acquired good manners yet. But what is more important, motives or manners?
It is always good to remember what this person was like before he became a Christian. Peter gave you direct advice and you were offended? Remember that before he couldn’t talk at all without swearing. And now he is kind and sympathetic, although sometimes too direct.
Did Alexey step on your foot and not even notice? Remember how he used to walk home drunk from work every day, unshaven and sloppy, and then he certainly didn’t notice anyone. And now he is clean-shaven, always in a pressed suit and with a constant smile on his face. Just remember and feel the difference... because everything is learned by comparison.
What is resentment and how is it dangerous?
If you decide to forever stop being offended by other people, then first you should understand what resentment is in order to know your enemy by sight. Generally speaking, this is a negative reaction to the actions of another person, which we consider unforgivable, and our offender considers completely natural. This statement only proves the fact that the boundaries of resentment are quite blurred, and its origins are always individual. However, this negative emotion can greatly ruin our lives, so it should be dealt with in every possible way. Moreover, if we let the feeling of resentment completely occupy our thoughts, it can lead to depression and even affect our health.
You should also understand that if you give in only once and allow yourself to be offended by some person, then everything will definitely not be limited to one time. Negative situations that lead you to resent your loved ones will be layered on top of each other, as a result of which you will begin to be offended even by things that most people consider trivial. Quite often, such an attitude leads to the fact that relatives do not communicate for years, and love relationships end at the development stage. Therefore, try to find the root of the problem in yourself in order to build your own happy future with your own hands.
Why is resentment dangerous?
Resentment is suppressed aggression, which is directed not at another person, but at oneself. Any suppressed emotions affect a person’s health, often causing somatic diseases. It has been observed that touchy children are more likely to get colds. Often, touchiness is accompanied by pride, which appears as a defense mechanism (otherwise the person feels helpless). All this leads to cancer.
But that is not all. There is a threat of losing close friends and relatives. Being offended, a person stops communicating with them, and often a friendship that lasted more than one year breaks up forever. And this disgusting feeling itself spoils our life and does not allow us to enjoy its pleasant moments.
Why get rid of resentment?
Every disease has its own karmic causes. Resentment is a powerful emotion that harms not only the one who is offended, but also the one who is offended. From resentment, tears inevitably roll down, and my head begins to hurt. Resentment can eat up consciousness and disrupt a person’s normal rhythm. This negative emotion, if not given an outlet or not gotten rid of, is like a poison that can poison a person. Recent research by scientists suggests that hidden grudges can cause the growth of benign and malignant tumors.
The destructive effect is that resentment can worsen the mood not only of the bearer, but also of those around him. In theory, everything is clear, but why, when the moment of resentment comes, few can find the strength in themselves and let go of this feeling? Why do we cherish and preserve an offense, and when we are directly asked, “Are you offended?” or “Are you offended?” We remain silent and want the interlocutor to take some measures to eliminate the cause of our poor health.
From an esoteric point of view
Occultists and esotericists call resentment “dark energy,” which not only settles inside, but is also transmitted outward.
An offended person broadcasts negative emotions to the world: dissatisfaction, irritation, condemnation, claims, aggression.
Since everything in the Universe is interconnected and it acts as a single organism, this message comes back and creates a whole chain of unpleasant events. In other words, our surroundings “mirror” us, closing the circle and forming resentment as a habit.
Resentment negatively affects a person
Effect on chakras
Energy experts claim that the habit of being offended blocks anahata - the area of the chest and solar plexus (many people notice that a serious offense presses like a stone and does not allow one to breathe). This chakra is responsible for sincere love, openness, and interaction with people. Due to its blocking, problems arise in communication, personal life, and perception of the world.
In essence, absolutely any area can suffer, since anahata is the center of our energy structure. If it doesn’t work, the overall psychoenergetic balance is disrupted.
Resentment from a psychological point of view
As psychologist-hypnologist Nikita Valerievich Baturin notes, this is one of the most common reasons for seeking advice. It happens that a person formulates his problem completely differently, incorrectly building cause-and-effect relationships. During the consultation, it turns out that the cause of the current situation was precisely resentment. Therefore, if you have serious difficulties interacting with others, it is recommended to seek help from a specialist.
The psychology of resentment identifies several types of this feeling:
Imaginary - based on a conscious desire to manipulate a loved one, to attract his attention. There is an exact calculation: “now I will show that I need to be treated differently, and he will make amends, for example, make a pleasant surprise.” Children often abuse this, thus demanding from their parents what they want; Random - occurs when disagreements arise between interlocutors. Instead of a reasoned dispute, a negative reaction appears
The conversation immediately changes direction: attempts begin to make amends, gain forgiveness, a conflict occurs, or communication simply stops; With an erroneous vector - for example, parents rewarded a sister with a sweet gift for getting “A’s” in her diary, but her brother was not doing well in his studies, so he was left without a gift. Instead of learning a lesson by improving his grades, the brother begins to take offense at his sister and behaves accordingly towards her
She, despite the lack of guilt, feels remorse; Hidden - does not appear externally. There are many reasons for this: a person is not ready to admit to himself that he is experiencing this feeling, he was raised with the attitude “being offended is bad,” he simply does not want to conflict at a particular moment, etc. Sooner or later, the emotion will find a way out. But all the time while it is inside, the person experiences the smallest details of the conflict over and over again, continuing to put a strain on the nervous system.
In psychology, a feeling of resentment is a state of victim, characteristic of most people. But some people rarely get offended for really serious reasons, while others make it their lifestyle. They are ready to look for reasons in everything, and then obediently wait for the world to apologize and have a beneficial effect on their self-esteem.
This is interesting: One word that can instantly change your mood: what you need to know
Who can we take an example from?
And it’s better to start this path with a positive example of the one who is a model for us in this - God. After all, we are created in the image of God, which means that this feeling is characteristic of him. And examples of God's communication with his ancient people Israel show that this is so.
As a child, I read a fairy tale-parable. The gist of it was that some red fellow helped one decrepit old man. Well, as happens in fairy tales, the old man turned out to be difficult, and therefore offered to fulfill any wish of this lad. He, without hesitation, wished to have the ability to read the thoughts of people who would be next to him. No sooner said than done.
But the boy did not rejoice for long, as he began to notice that most people said one thing, thought another, and acted in a third way. And it became so disgusting to him that he hated both these people and his gift. And then he walked alone around the world and looked for this old man so that he would return his normal life to him.
The Bible says about God's abilities:
- Jehovah searches all hearts and discerns the direction of thought... (1 Chronicles 28:9)
What if God, knowing our thoughts and seeing how we sin against him every day, was offended and harbored a grudge against us? What if he did this to all millions or even billions of people?
He would become deeply unhappy, like that young man. But we read about God:
- Jehovah is slow to anger and full of loving kindness, forgiving sin and transgression... (Numbers 14:18)
Psychology of personal resentment: how this feeling arises and what it entails
The basis of personal negative reactions is considered to be incorrect ideas about the interlocutor, comparison of one’s picture of the world with his worldview.
Over time, each individual develops his own set of ideas about the surrounding space. It’s good if the acceptable behavior patterns of the interlocutors are approximately the same. Disagreements, with a biased assessment, lead to the reaction: “I thought you would do it differently,” “I think your words are wrong.”
The causes of occurrence are conventionally divided into three groups:
- Unconscious manipulation due to inability to forgive. A common cause of grievances according to psychologists.
- Conscious manipulation in order to make the interlocutor feel guilty and then get what he wants.
- Frustrated expectations. If you perceive your picture of the world as the only correct one, then the expectations associated with other people will sooner or later not be met. The reasons can be both significant and trivial. A colleague forgets to give him a lift home (“But I gave him a lift several times! He should have offered me the same!”), a friend from social networks forgot to congratulate him on his birthday (“And I congratulated him. I’ll add him to a special list, then he I’ll deliberately ignore the name day!”) - this is how resentment happens.
If a person is constantly offended, psychology promises him the following consequences:
- loss of communication with others. Not only that, not all friends are ready to feel guilty for someone’s destructive logic when trying to restore relationships. It may happen that the offender will tell others about the conflict, after which they will begin to shun the offended person;
- not everyone is ready to analyze the reasons for the aggressive behavior of another, to guess whether he was offended by something, and if so, then what exactly. Most people just don't care about it. The offended person has to keep the destructive emotion inside, not understanding how to get out of the situation;
- resentment (unexpressed, especially) undermines physical health, as it is directly related to the nervous system. Experiences due to the loss of harmonious communication with loved ones and harm to one’s own interests can affect one’s physical condition.
Cunning Sin
Photo: Pixabay.com
Theologians note that during an insult, the soul does not just begin to hurt. In addition, she experiences indignation, anger, inside herself a person condemns those around her, sometimes even begins to think about revenge. In this case, our pride is hurt.
Every person is proud, even deep down, and therefore intuitively places himself at the very center of the Universe. It seems to him that all other people revolve around him.
This is an erroneous and sinful idea, since an Orthodox person is obliged to place God at the center. However, it is not easy for a person to part with the picture of the world around him that has become established in his mind. As soon as it begins to distort, he experiences irritation, anger and even physical pain.
Resentment in psychology: how to get rid of it
These tips will help you overcome unpleasant feelings.
You need to learn to react adequately to any unforeseen negative situation, to use your reason, and not be guided only by emotions.
It is necessary to find the root of the resentment. People often wonder why they did this to them, but they should ask another question, why irritability arises so quickly. It is necessary to deal with your emotions and engage in self-improvement.
You can’t hide behind carelessness and joy. Because by deceiving others, you drive resentment deep into the subconscious. What causes depression and poor emotional state.
There is no need to be afraid to talk about your feelings. Share your experiences. This will help you rethink the past situation, get rid of resentment, and possibly prevent the occurrence of unpleasant moments.
You can’t fit people into one frame, setting high expectations, because everyone is completely different, with individual character and perception. You don't have to be treated well and loved by everyone. You can't please everyone. By learning this truth, many hurtful situations can be avoided.
If there is a deliberate attempt to offend you, there is no need to show a reaction. And next time the person will not do this.
You cannot accumulate this feeling in yourself, otherwise, when resentment goes beyond the edges, quarrels, scandals and even separations begin. All nuances must be resolved as they arise.
You need to be able to forgive and let go of people from your life who constantly and intentionally offend you.
Do some self-reflection. The reason may be hidden behind your fatigue and irritation, overexertion, or old emotional wounds.
If it is difficult to cope with this problem on your own, it would be right to turn to a specialist for help.
It is clear from everything that it is possible to overcome resentment, the main thing is to use your mind and act quickly.
There is another good practical method that will help you get rid of resentment. It's very simple. You need to take a pen and a piece of paper and write a letter of appeal to the offender. You should not restrain yourself in your statements, because no one will read it. Afterwards, you need to be alone in silence with yourself, rethink the situation, it will immediately become easier. Putting negative emotions out on paper is a great way to release anger.
Position of the Orthodox Church
The Orthodox Church calls offense a “cunning sin.” It is closely associated with pride, unbelief and condemnation. Being offended, a person does not accept what is happening and puts himself, not God, at the center of the universe. This insidious habit leads us away from God's forgiveness and grace. Most of all, it harms ourselves.
Resentment makes people consider people wrong and guilty, shifting responsibility to others. It closes a person’s eyes to his own mistakes, which means it prevents him from realizing them and asking for deliverance.
In many prayers, before turning to God, you need to forgive offenders and debtors. This helps to cleanse the heart, correct perceptions, and get rid of heavy negative emotions.
What does touchiness mean?
Psychologists have different opinions on this matter. In my work, I identify three main types of individuals prone to excessive touchiness:
Deeply insecure people with a weak type of nervous system. Their nature is characterized by excessive fragility and vulnerability.
- Narcissistic individuals of the narcissistic type, who consider themselves superior to others and believe that, in connection with this, they have every right to receive special treatment.
- Hypersensitive individuals who consider themselves eternally persecuted. The role of the victim is a very comfortable and familiar scenario for them, which regularly brings dividends.
Touchiness is a habit from childhood
This is one of the ways the little man gets his way. And this is quite normal for a baby. Since he does not yet have sufficient resources and opportunities to explain what he does not like and what he really wants. The baby has no other resources to insist on his own
When a child tries to take offense, most adults immediately begin to react, and the child quickly learns to understand that taking offense is an effective way to attract the attention of adults, and sometimes even to achieve his or her own. In the early stages of growing up, this is an acceptable way to get the desired effect
This becomes abnormal when a mature person, having in his arsenal “adult” capabilities of responding to stimuli and defending his own interests, continues to use this purely “childish” trait, trying to manipulate “adults” to achieve his goals.
Resentment is a child's opportunity to show weakness, it is a refusal to take responsibility and solve one's problems as an adult. Thus, a touchy person, with his touchiness, immediately demonstrates his weakness as a person, his inability to defend his interests and express his dissatisfaction with something or someone using more adequate methods.
Inflated expectations combined with the inability to conduct constructive dialogue
The individual expects from others the response to the situation that he considers correct. However, everyone is different and everyone has different points of view on the same subject. Therefore, it is necessary to give each person the right to express themselves, and, if necessary, they need to express or somehow demonstrate their position.
Another drama of people who are too touchy - they do not know how to laugh at themselves - we remember their expressed sense of their own inferiority or their own superiority, which is essentially the same thing.
Emotional benefits of resentment
People are also offended because it benefits them to some extent. Firstly, there is a psychological benefit: resentment is an emotion that brings a certain pleasure to the one who “savors” it, because the offended person begins to believe that those around him owe him something.
Secondly, this is one of the ways to induce a feeling of guilt in another person and gain “leverage” for manipulation in order to obtain one’s own benefit - here again there is an attempt to use one’s touchiness to achieve one’s goals, albeit poorly realized.
What should touchy people do?
Is it possible to somehow get rid of this trait, which exposes all personal weaknesses and problems to the whole world? I often hear this question from my clients. I am convinced that resentment is an emotion that is directed primarily at oneself, in one’s own direction. Therefore, every time you take offense at someone, you need to ask yourself the question: why am I offended at myself now? This requires honesty with yourself.
Every time, being offended by another for unjustified expectations, a person is offended by himself, who does not live up to his own expectations. In trying unsuccessfully to change another person, there is always a “failure” to change oneself. Everything that a person does not like in others is what he cannot accept in himself. When a person realizes why he is offended by himself, it is necessary to accept himself as he is and forgive his imperfections.
Feel free to engage in self-irony. You can always find something to joke about in yourself, no one dies from this, on the contrary, it helps to reduce this unpleasant feeling of resentment.
Doing all this is often not easy, however, it is necessary for a future full life without excessive touchiness. Published by econet.ru.
PS And remember, just by changing your consciousness, we are changing the world together! econet
Inner Beliefs and the Development of Resentment
The discrepancy between the internal picture of the world and external reality contributes to the development of resentment. If you had your own picture of the world inside, then you are probably familiar with such expressions: “You did not live up to my expectations”, “You deceived me, I believed you”, “I expected something different from you”, “You did the wrong thing, as you should have”, “How could you do this to me”, “Who are you to do this...”, “You promised.”
Expectations are not the same thing as plans and dreams. In the case of expectations, we clearly know what and from whom we want to teach, what we expect from the other. And if suddenly another person acts differently, it hurts very much. Moreover, if a partner does what we expected, we do not pay attention to it. And if these expectations from each other are irrepressible, then the idealization that occurs at the first stage of acquaintance is soon replaced by disappointment. If a man or woman announces a breakup in a relationship, or if they disappear after several meetings, this hits our self-esteem very hard, we begin to feel very tight, lose self-confidence, and begin to look within ourselves for the reasons for what happened. In general, this process sometimes becomes a vicious circle.
Now you know why people get offended, where excessive touchiness begins, and why this feeling can torment us for years. Of course, this is a difficult choice, but if we want to live on, breathe deeply and are not ready to give up happiness, then it makes sense, step by step, living and letting go of our past, gradually letting go of grievances and re-opening our hearts to joy and flight.
We will be happy to answer your questions
How to forgive an insult?
Friends, as a bonus, I want to share with you an effective technique for forgiving an offense. Yes, we can change the way we think and no longer be offended. But often old hidden grievances remain in us, like ghosts from the past. We don’t want them to poison our lives. Therefore, we will also get rid of them easily and simply. So, how can we forgive and forget the insults caused to us by our wife or husband, son or daughter, parents or friends?
The main thing in the forgiveness technique proposed below is a sincere desire to get rid of resentment, forgive and free yourself. Don’t just mechanically perform the exercise, but do it consciously, so that in the end your soul becomes light and joyful. So that the heavy burden will fall from our shoulders, and we can breathe deeply without any worries or regrets. Let's get started! Here is the setting for our subconscious:
► I forgive you (insert the name of the person we are offended by) for the fact that you...
► I forgive myself for...
► Forgive me (insert the name of the person we are offended by) for...
The meaning of this technique for forgiving grievances is as follows. Why forgive the offender is clear and without explanation. We need to forgive ourselves and ask for forgiveness from our offender (mentally) due to the fact that the world around us is a mirror image of our inner one. It is necessary to realize that we ourselves attracted a bad situation into our lives, and the offender only reacted to our thoughts, state, and fears. When we take responsibility for everything that happens to us, we simply don’t want to be offended by anyone. The more clearly we begin to understand how and why we were offended, the easier it becomes for us to forgive the offender. By the way, we need to forgive ourselves for the simple reason that when we take offense at ourselves, we experience a feeling of guilt, which means we attract punishment into our lives. Which leads to the repetition of negative situations when we are intentionally or accidentally offended.
It is optimal to perform forgiveness of grievances before going to bed; during the night our subconscious will do all the work, and we will not even notice it. We won’t notice the work, but we will notice the result. The resentment will become much weaker or go away altogether. If grievances remain, then they should be repeated. You can also perform the proposed technique during the day, the main thing is not to get hung up on it, but to understand that everything will go smoothly and easily. We only need to give instructions to our subconscious, everything else is not our concern.
Friends, after one or several uses of this simple technique, you yourself will notice that the offense is forgiven and our lives become calmer. You will completely naturally and without any violence against yourself stop thinking about it: the offense that previously seemed so important will no longer cause any response. Thus, the question “how to forgive an offense?” from now on, from now on, will not stand in front of you. And this makes it so good and calm!
Of course, this technique is not for everyone. After all, we need to have the strength to admit that everything we receive, including insults, is our choice. We ourselves are responsible for this, directly or indirectly. If we find the strength to pacify our pride and sense of self-importance, then the rest is a matter of technique.
CONCLUSION
“They carry water for the offended” (c) Russian people
Dear readers of SZOZH, in this article I set myself the task of showing you the meaninglessness of insults and resentment. Resentment not only does not solve the problem, but is also harmful for many reasons, which we have discussed in detail today.
I hope, guys, that if you ever decide to take offense, you will definitely remember our advice. And you will make the right choice! And we will be incredibly happy if the moment comes when you, without prevarication, can say with complete confidence: “I never take offense!” And even if you are offended (after all, none of us are perfect), then you can easily forgive the offense thanks to the technique of forgiveness and you will live happily and without any sadness. After all, learning not to be offended is a very useful skill that significantly improves the quality of our lives.
I would like to complete the article about grievances and methods of dealing with them with the words of Bhagwan Shree Rajneesh, better known as Osho. Are you offended? Then print out this text, go to the mirror and read loudly, with expression and a serious look:
“I am such an important turkey that I cannot allow anyone to act according to their nature if I don’t like it. I am such an important turkey that if someone said or acted differently than I expected, I will punish him with my resentment. Oh, let him see how important this is - my offense, let him receive it as punishment for his “misdemeanor.” After all, I am a very, very important turkey! I don't value my life. I don’t value my life so much that I don’t mind wasting her precious time on being offended. I will give up a moment of joy, a moment of happiness, a minute of playfulness; I would rather give this moment to my resentment. And I don’t care that these frequent minutes turn into hours, hours into days, days into weeks, weeks into months, and months into years. I don’t mind spending years of my life in resentment - after all, I don’t value my life. I don't know how to look at myself from the outside. I'm very vulnerable. I am so vulnerable that I am forced to protect my territory and respond with resentment to everyone who offends it. I’ll hang a sign on my forehead that says “Beware of Evil Dog,” and just let someone try not to notice it! I am so poor that I cannot find in myself a drop of generosity to forgive, a drop of self-irony to laugh, a drop of generosity not to notice, a drop of wisdom not to get caught, a drop of love to accept. After all, I am a very, very important turkey!” © Osho
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How to stop being offended over trifles, and why it is harmful:
Children often get offended by their parents, throw tantrums, etc., if, for example, they did not buy them the toy they wanted or did not allow them to eat candy. Ever wondered why a child acts this way? It’s just that because of his age, it can be difficult for him to explain to his parents what he really wants. Therefore, it is easier for him to be offended and cry. But you and I are no longer children, and we are able to talk with other people, explain, etc., right? Then why not start using these communication skills and stop acting like children?
Imagine that your husband forgot about some anniversary of your acquaintance. Do you think sitting in the corner all evening with a sad expression on your face will help him remember this? It is very doubtful that such an approach will be effective. People are usually preoccupied exclusively with their thoughts and experiences, and men will definitely not be able to read your indignation from an offended look. Then who will benefit from this behavior of yours? Isn't it easier to tell your husband what exactly upset you? And, for example, put reminders on the refrigerator of all your dates? Save both time and energy. And there will be less negativity!
We are not saying that if you are often offended by a loved one, then your attachment to him will disappear. No, it will just change its, so to speak, color. If you previously remembered this person with warmth and love, now you will feel cold. Our subconscious remembers emotions well. And if it understands that some person is constantly making you resent him, then he will stop perceiving him as someone close. This is the same as shocking a mouse every time it approaches the feeder. Over time, she will simply stop eating.
People who are prone to resentment can often suffer from another “disease” - an unwillingness to take responsibility.
Didn't complete an important task at work? This is all because it was poorly explained to you. Didn't catch the train? Someone definitely set your alarm clock to make you late.
Have you stopped going to the gym because it’s difficult to get up to train in the morning? Who even came up with the idea of working out in the morning? And in the evening there is no time, because there is work. In general, everything seems bad, but you have nothing to do with it. Sometimes it may even feel like the entire universe is united against you. By the way, women are more prone to this lifestyle. They are the ones who like to shift responsibility for their lives onto someone else, without self-improvement.
American scientists decided to conduct an interesting experiment to understand how bad resentment affects a person. They attached special devices to people and told them that they needed to remember the biggest offense in their lives. The effect was incredible! All participants in the experiment had increased blood pressure and increased heart rate. Moreover, it has been proven that if you carry some kind of resentment and negative emotions within yourself for a long time, this can negatively affect not only the functioning of the heart, but also the functioning of the gastrointestinal tract. In addition, constant negativity inside can ruin your sleep. So, knowing all this, what kind of person would continue to be offended? Realizing that he is doing this to his own detriment? In general, the next time someone offends you, think about it - who will be worse off because you are angry with him?
Eradicating Resentment
Photo: Pixabay.com
Of course, there are situations when someone really causes us suffering. Then the person is driven by resentment, he tries to interrupt communication. This is inherent in human nature, but a believer is obliged to eradicate such desires in himself.
After all, Sergius of Radonezh cannot be allowed to leave Mount Makovets because his students began to behave inappropriately, violating the order he established. He assumed that he might not return, but he was not at all motivated by resentment. He acted according to God's will, renouncing human ideas about how to act in such situations.
The Apostle Paul speaks in a similar vein. Calling on believers to be in agreement with everyone as much as possible. It is important that the feeling of resentment does not persist for a long time. It should be suppressed in yourself by all available means.
Touchy man
Our own parents teach us to be offended from childhood: “If you don’t finish your porridge, I’ll be offended.” Later, the child puts this into practice: he makes trouble in the store until they buy him a toy. If parents and grandparents often support such manipulation, then resentment becomes a character trait and takes the form of resentment. The whole life of such a person revolves around the thought of “what kind of person to be offended by.”
There are several signs of resentment:
- cold,
- silence,
- detachment,
- avoidance,
- irritation,
- stubbornness,
- capriciousness.
As a rule, an offended person has all the qualities that he is offended by. In addition, he clearly suffers from delusions of grandeur, since he believes that no one has the right to offend him.
Loneliness is the most common consequence of resentment.
What does resentment mean?
Think about it: is it nice to know that we are not the creators of our own happiness, but only play the role of dogs on a leash, and the people around us yank us on these leashes at will? Is it pleasant for us to realize that our mood depends on someone else, but definitely not on us? Hardly. In fact, this is a real addiction. And our choice is freedom! After all, you can easily get rid of the leash (the habit of being offended) that society has hung on us. All you need is desire and a little awareness.
In this article we will find out how to stop being offended by getting rid of this bad habit forever. And at the same time we will free ourselves from old grievances. In the meantime, dear readers of Lifestyle and Lifestyle, with your permission, I will continue to exaggerate and describe the destruction that touchiness, especially increased sensitivity, brings to us.
So what does it mean to be offended? This means giving in to your baser feelings, including habitual reactions to other people's bad behavior. Even the simplest single-celled organisms have a similar reaction, which always react the same way to a stimulus. But we are people, which means we have much more room for maneuver in our behavior. Understand, friends, being offended is not something that is not allowed, no. This is simply not a logical action - after all, by being offended, we thereby harm ourselves, burning our soul and health, and also attracting negativity into our lives.
But with admirable persistence, we continue to habitually take offense at our loved ones and ordinary acquaintances, at relatives and friends, at our fate and the whole world. We diligently cultivate our touchiness, cherish it and cherish it. Completely forgetting that...
... resentment is entirely our own choice. Although, unfortunately, most often unconscious. This is a harmful stereotype that seems to have grown into most of us. We are offended - we are offended, we are offended - we are offended. And everything repeats itself in a circle throughout our lives. But this is wrong! That's why this article appeared, from which we learn how to stop being offended. Useful practical recommendations are written below, but in the meantime, please be a little patient, friends. After all, we need to clearly identify the enemy with whom we will fight and will definitely win. First you need to carefully study his habits in order to then strike the decisive blow. Fatality! (c) Mortal Kombat. So let's continue to explore insidious resentment. After all, our goal is to dance on her grave, and we are slowly but indomitably approaching the achievement of this good goal.
Resentment in the soul and heart
Experiencing resentment depresses us greatly. The worst thing is that a person can carry a grudge throughout his entire life. Old and deep grievances that we cannot forget do not allow us to live calmly and happily. After all, instead of enjoying every moment of this delightful life, we begin to replay in our heads long-past events, we diligently restore and construct dialogues with our offender. Our body returns again and again to that state where we are almost shaking, although outwardly this may not manifest itself in any way. Why mock yourself like that? All this is only because we cannot get rid of the resentment in our soul, the resentment in our heart. We cannot let go, forgive, forget. So this disgusting feeling of resentment undermines us, imperceptibly destroying our lives.
By the way, it should be noted that chronic, total resentment towards the whole world and the people around us individually is the first sign that something has not worked out in our lives. For example, we chose the wrong profession: we dreamed of creativity, but we work as a manager in an office. Or we were unable to build happy family relationships: we once made a mistake in our choice and now all we can do is feel sorry for ourselves, so offended and insulted. As a result, we live in the past and do not allow the present into ourselves, which, perhaps, is very kind and positive.
The worst thing here is that by constantly being offended, receiving new grievances and remembering old ones, we turn into collectors. Collectors of grievances. You can collect grievances throughout your life, and, as true collectors, we never want to part with a single copy. Resentments accumulate, and we savor each of them with “pleasure”. We do not let them fade into oblivion, because grievances have long become a part of us. And that’s why it’s so difficult to admit to ourselves that we’ve already spent too much time on our touchiness. It is much easier to continue to live in the illusion of being right and the injustice of this world.
Old grievances are like unhealed wounds that we ourselves scratch and make bleed. Instead of forgiving the offense or even completely getting rid of the habit of being offended, we stubbornly torment ourselves, causing pain and suffering. Damn it, what kind of masochism is this?
“But the truth is behind us!” - we tell ourselves, which is why we feel offended and insulted. This is how we justify ourselves. We feel almost universal injustice. How dare they do this to us?! Alas, even if they really treated us badly, we only finish ourselves off with our resentment. To be offended means to revel in pity for oneself, unjustly offended.
There are always plenty of reasons for resentment. We have the ability to choose what we pay attention to in this life. With our thoughts and our choices we attract to ourselves what we receive. If a person shows increased sensitivity, then rest assured that there will definitely be reasons to be offended. And the worst thing that can happen is that the resentment can become part of this person forever.
Yes, they say that time heals grievances. Most often this is true, but there is one thing. Resentment that is regularly fed can remain in the heart and soul forever, poisoning our lives. Hidden resentment simply eats us up from the inside, which is why the colors of life fade, and more and more reasons to be offended appear again and again. But this is not what life was given to us for! And, if we were honest with ourselves, we would never wish such a fate on ourselves. Friends, it's not too late to change everything. There is an exit!
Friends, below you will read 8 reasons why you should not be offended . Please try to understand and feel each point separately. We need to remember this and put it into practice every time resentment begins to boil within us. Under no circumstances should you scold yourself if you fall into the trap of resentment again. Everything will happen gradually, everything has its time. But be sure to praise yourself when you succeed. It’s so nice to see that our actions and mood gain independence. It's nice to know that you and only you are the captain of your ship. So, over time, the bad habit of being offended will disappear by itself. As they say, “a holy place is never empty,” and this means that in our lives there will be many more miracles and joy that will come instead of useless resentment. And that is great! Ready?
1) Nobody owes us anything. You just need to understand and accept one simple thing - no one in this world is obliged to conform to our ideas. No one is obliged to act towards us as we think is right. Just think: do we fulfill everyone else's expectations without exception? Most likely, this does not always happen or does not happen at all, and this is completely natural. Our life is our life. First of all, we are interested in solving our problems, and only after that - in helping other people. Therefore, we should not be offended by other people, because they also do not owe us anything.
2) Remember and appreciate only the good. To stop being offended, we should always remember the positive character traits of our offender. After all, there is something beautiful in every person. Often we concentrate on one annoying offense of this person, but do not take into account all the good things that he did for us earlier. That is, we take goodness for granted, but when we are offended, we often make mountains out of molehills, forgetting about everything else (the good). In principle, this is natural: the human body is designed in such a way that negative emotions affect us more than positive ones. Perhaps this is due to survival in primitive times, when fear and anger spurred ancient people to survive. But that time has long passed. Therefore, friends, stop being offended, because offense destroys us and, moreover, it is completely meaningless.
And please, never forget that you quickly get used to good things. If a person treats us well, this does not mean that this will always be the case. And this does not mean that other people should also treat us well. It is optimal to take all good things not for granted, but as a gift. And rejoice at such gifts with all your heart.
“Forget insults, but never forget kindness” © Confucius
3) No one is eternal. The person we are offended by today may not be there tomorrow. As a rule, only in such sad situations do we finally realize how petty and absurd our grievances were. For example, you should never be offended by fathers and mothers, grandparents. Because then it will be very difficult for us to forgive ourselves when these loved ones suddenly pass away. Only then do we suddenly clearly realize how boundless and crystal clear the care emanated from them. Even if they went too far at times, even if they did a lot of things wrong, but all this was out of great love for us. Please, friends, don't let this happen. Live here and now, appreciate the present moment - then there is no time left for grievances!
4) Accept responsibility for everything that happens to us. For everything that happens in our lives is the result of our own choice. Nothing is in vain! For example, a person who is trying to offend us may be sent to us so that we can learn something. And our other potential offender may reveal his true appearance, for which we should also be grateful.
By the way, it is useful to follow the simple motto of smart people: “Smart people don’t get offended, but draw conclusions.” For example, your friend who missed an appointment and didn’t even call back could have done this for several reasons. Firstly, something could have happened to her. Secondly, circumstances may have developed in such a way that she did not have the opportunity to warn you. Thirdly, maybe she is simply indifferent to you. In none of these three cases is there any point in being offended. And in the latter case, you should draw a conclusion and rid yourself of such relationships.
Remember that we ourselves are responsible for our choices. We choose whether to be offended or not. Life is too short to waste it on grudges. Why be offended when you can use any situation to your advantage? Everything that happens to us becomes an experience. Our experience, and that makes it invaluable. Therefore, we must not be offended, but, on the contrary, gain experience, knowledge and draw conclusions. This is how we become stronger and wiser.
5) Don’t be fooled by provocations. If a person deliberately wants to offend us, then there is no need to be offended. Otherwise, we admit that we are wearing a collar and this person can easily control our mood, our feelings and emotions. It is advisable to simply cross such people out of your social circle. Remember that a normal person would never tease or bully other people. Unfortunately, there is a type of people who spread impurities around themselves both on the mental and physical levels. Well, what can we take from such people? It’s okay, they ruin their own lives. You shouldn't be like them. As they say, don't be offended by fools. Alternatively, you can always respond and put the offender in his place. You can also feel sorry for someone who wants to offend us and try to understand, or even help. Suddenly he feels very bad, so he tries to throw out his anger. Of course, this is wrong, but you don’t want to be offended by this person anymore, do you?
6) Awareness. Mindfulness is the key to controlling your condition. When we are in the moment here and now, it is very difficult to offend us. Indeed, in such a state, it is as if we are observing ourselves and the whole situation from the outside. By the way, a sober lifestyle contributes to this to some extent. You see, friends, when we are in a conscious state, it is difficult to be angry or offended at someone. Not allowing ourselves to be drawn into the game, we maintain composure and a good mood to spite everyone and to our delight.
7) Resentment destroys health. If we are offended, then, first of all, a muscle spasm occurs. This, in turn, leads to functional disorders, and, as a consequence, the emergence of psychosomatic diseases. The more offended we are, the more our organs suffer, primarily the upper body. You've probably noticed that when you're offended, your chest and throat muscles tighten especially clearly. By the way, the thymus gland, which is responsible for immunity, is located in the same place. Poor circulation and decreased immunity lead to illness. A touchy person experiences headaches and migraines, heart disease, digestive and respiratory diseases. There is no point in listing diseases in more detail, because each person suffering from touchiness will have their own individual bouquet of diseases.
We have all heard the saying “all diseases come from nerves,” but it is so overused that it is simply not perceived by our brain. Resentment, especially chronic, is one of the most destructive feelings. Therefore, friends, let's forgive each other all insults and stop being offended altogether. In this way we will maintain and improve our health. For a healthy lifestyle first of all begins with the way we think.
Resentment attracts negative events into our lives. Friends, you know about the law of attraction, which says that like is attracted to like? By dwelling on our grievances, we allow negativity into our lives. Events happen to us that provoke us to continue to experience negative feelings and emotions. And if we give in, we will get bogged down even deeper in this swamp. The feeling of resentment we experience serves as a kind of target for all sorts of misfortunes and misfortunes. The more resentment we have in our souls, the more likely it is that our lives will turn dark. And vice versa, the more positive our inner world is, the more happiness we encounter in the external world. Stop being offended, friends. The time has come to move towards your goal, towards your dream, towards your happiness, and resentment, you understand, is not our help here.
Where does offense come from and is it necessary to be offended at all?
There are practically no advantages to being offended. However, the one who is offended feels important for a while. Many people who like to take offense know that resentment is followed by persuasion, apologies and many other signs of attention that a person may lack in everyday life. At first, unconsciously, and then quite purposefully, a person causes a feeling of resentment in himself. Often such people provoke scandals, showdowns, attract negative events, and react violently to any criticism
It is very important for them to have the moral right to be offended, as this gives them fleeting comfort and an increase in their own self-esteem
Unfortunately, not only the offender suffers from such a strategy, but also the one who is forced to constantly come up with new reasons and be offended. This vicious circle needs to be broken, but in order to solve the problem, it must first be recognized. Our BrainApps service has prepared step-by-step instructions on how to deal with resentment.
How to overcome resentment?
To successfully combat a phenomenon, it is important to understand its cause.
Why do some people tend to get offended? And not just to be offended, since this feeling is quite natural, but to harbor a grudge, cherish it, live by it.
Resentment - what is the essence of the problem?
In one of his parables, King Solomon reveals to us a fundamental principle that underlies many of humanity's problems, including this one:
- There is no righteous person on earth who would do only good and not sin. (Eccl. 7:20)
The cause of many grievances is human imperfection. Moreover, the imperfection of both the one who is offended, since he does not know how to react correctly to injustice, and the one who offends, since he has not learned to watch his language.
And our imperfection also influences the fact that everyone believes that the problem is not with him, but with the one who was offended or who offended. One says: “You are so tactless, you hurt me with your words...”, and the other replies: “We are too tender, we need to be simpler...”
And here, as you understand, it is very difficult to start with yourself. What would someone who tends to be offended think?
Why do people get offended
Resentment is a secondary feeling, derived from unexpressed anger and dissatisfaction. When we are faced with the fact that someone acts unpredictably for us, does not live up to the expectations that we have placed on him, then an internal feeling of dissatisfaction arises. If at the same time we cannot influence the process, we cannot initiate a certain behavior in another person, then we feel powerless, and then the amount of internal anger increases. Often, during a breakup, a person does not even have the opportunity to express his anger and pain, and then internal resentment binds him from within like a shell.
Resentment is a normal feeling if it does not arise often, but if others talk about our increased sensitivity, or it seems to us that everyone around us does not respect our boundaries and offends us all the time, then it makes sense to think about it. Touchy people are a situation or position in relationships and in life.
In essence, grievances are a silent reproach or demand. If we obviously believe that our partner does not have the right to act differently than we consider possible, then perhaps we are not very ready to take the other person into account in principle. Maybe we have not been taught, or we are afraid, or we are driven by a great desire to subjugate another, because it is safe - there can be a great many reasons.
When we meet another person, fall in love and begin a relationship, the creative process begins: in our minds we enthusiastically paint an ideal picture, but if reality does not confirm our illusions, we become very upset and offended. For example, we were already planning a crib in a three-room apartment with this particular man, and he suddenly announced that he did not see the continuation of this relationship. The most difficult thing here is that our author’s masterpiece is being destroyed, and this can be very painful and offensive. After all, there is no man (or woman), which means there is no picture.
Do mature people get offended?
It is noteworthy that feeling resentment is common to everyone, even spiritually mature people. This is what the Apostle Paul wrote in one of his letters:
- Therefore, I find pleasure in weaknesses, in insults , in needs, in persecutions and difficulties for the sake of Christ. After all, when I am weak, then I am strong. (2 Cor. 12:10)
As you can see, Paul was also sometimes offended, although you can’t blame him for immaturity. But there is a big difference in how a spiritually mature and immature person reacts to offense. Speaking about what love is, the same Paul said:
- (Love) does not behave indecently, does not seek its own, does not get irritated, does not keep track of insults (1 Cor. 13:5)
Example . Imagine a village store. Usually in a small village everyone knows each other well, and therefore selling goods on credit is often practiced. A pensioner, grandfather Vasily, comes to the store and says to the saleswoman:
- Hey, Lenok, give me a small dime, write it to my account, I’ll pay you back from my pension.
And she answers him, taking out a thick squared notebook and peering at the notes:
- Uh-uh, Vasily, you already owe me so much that you won’t get anything else until you repay the debt! I have everything written down.
Likewise, some people accumulate grievances, writing them down in a thick notebook of their heart, and then, when the notebook is full, they irritably throw out all the complaints to their “debtor” and go into a deep defense of the grievance.
That is why the Bible says that love does not keep track of insults. If you tend to accumulate grievances, then perhaps you simply lack the most important thing - love for people?
