How to survive the death of a loved one: recommendations from psychologists, stages of grief and features

“Grief becomes real only when it touches you personally” (Erich Maria Remarque).

The topic of death is very difficult, but very important. This is a stunning, unexpected, sudden tragedy. Especially if this happens to a loved one. Such a loss is always a deep shock; the shock of the blow experienced leaves scars in the soul for life. At the moment of grief, a person feels a loss of emotional connection, experiences a feeling of unfulfilled duty and guilt. How to cope with experiences, emotions, feelings and learn to live on? How to cope with the death of a loved one? How and with what to help someone who is experiencing pain from loss?

The attitude of modern society towards death

“You don’t have to cry all the time”, “Hold on”, “He’s better there”, “We’ll all be there” - a grieving person has to listen to all these consolations. Sometimes he is left alone altogether. And this happens not because friends and colleagues are cruel and indifferent people, it’s just that many are afraid of death and the grief of others. Many people want to help, but don’t know how or with what. They are afraid to show tactlessness and cannot find the right words. And the secret lies not in healing and comforting words, but in the ability to listen and let them know that you are nearby.

Modern society shuns everything related to death: it avoids conversations, refuses mourning, and tries not to show its grief. Children are afraid to answer their questions about death. There is a general belief in society that grieving for too long is a sign of mental illness or disorder. Tears are regarded as a nervous attack.

A man in his grief remains alone: the phone does not ring in his house, people avoid him, he is isolated from society. Why is this happening? Because we don’t know how to help, how to console, what to say. We are afraid not only of death, but also of the mourners. Of course, communicating with them is not entirely psychologically comfortable; there are a lot of inconveniences. He may cry, he needs to be consoled, but how? What should I talk to him about? What if you hurt him even more? Many of us cannot find answers to these questions, we distance ourselves and bide our time until the person himself copes with his loss and returns to normal. Only spiritually strong people stay close to the mourner at such a tragic moment.

Funeral and mourning rituals have been lost in society and are perceived as a relic of the past. We are “civilized, intelligent and cultured people.” But it was these ancient traditions that helped to properly survive the pain of loss. For example, mourners who were invited to the coffin to repeat certain verbal formulas brought tears to those relatives who were in numbness or shock.

Nowadays, it is considered wrong to cry at the coffin. There was an idea that tears cause a lot of distress to the soul of the deceased, that they drown him in the next world. For this reason, it is customary to cry as little as possible and restrain yourself. The refusal to mourn and the modern attitude of people towards death have very dangerous consequences for the psyche.

Advice from priests

Priests often encounter people who have lost loved ones. They have extensive experience in providing comfort in such situations and offer the following practical advice:

Accept the fact that every person is mortal. It's difficult, but possible. You need to do a lot of work on yourself and your consciousness. Acceptance of death opens a new stage in the life of every person and is a sign of a mature personality. If a person constantly sits at the grave of a deceased person, then he preserves the furnishings and belongings of the deceased person. This leads to gloomy thoughts about one’s fate and doom. You can get rid of them only through acceptance.
Don't believe superstitions. They scare and make you think about extraneous, completely unimportant things. Much that is invented by people, for example, hanging mirrors, has nothing in common with Orthodoxy. Death has only one meaning - the transition from life on Earth to eternity. You can find out which eternity a person will end up in by his deeds and actions during his lifetime.
Be sensitive to people who have buried loved ones. If someone you know has lost a loved one, try not to say hurtful words to them, especially towards the deceased. It is not worth saying that God, for example, took the child because the parents committed many sins or led a righteous life. These words can seriously traumatize people.
Realize that death is not the end of life, but only the end of existence on Earth. Pray for the deceased on the day of the funeral and not only that the Lord will have mercy on him. Try to order memorial services in church more often.
Remember that you are not alone. There will always be someone next to you. family, loved ones, friends, children, just acquaintances and, in the end, the Lord himself. He will help you overcome all difficulties. You should not give up, because you can fervently pray for the deceased. The most important thing is to do it sincerely.
Find a new purpose in life. If, for example, there are children left in a family where the husband died, then their mother should try to return to a normal life, at least for their sake. Children also have a hard time with loss, but we all live temporarily in this life. In the first six months or more, the mother should take on the role of both parents, or at least try to do so.

Advice from Archpriest Vladimir Golovin:

Grief is individual

All people experience the pain of loss differently. Therefore, the division of grief into stages (periods), accepted in psychology, is conditional and coincides with the dates of commemoration of the deceased in many world religions.

The stages that a person goes through are influenced by many factors: gender, age, state of health, emotionality, upbringing, emotional connection with the deceased.

But there are general rules that you need to know in order to assess the mental and emotional state of a person who is experiencing grief. It is necessary to have an idea of how to survive the death of a loved one, how and how to help someone who has had a misfortune. The following rules and patterns also apply to children who are experiencing the pain of loss. But they need to be treated with even greater attention and caution.

So, a loved one has died, how to cope with grief? To answer this question, it is necessary to understand what happens to the mourners at this time.

Resentment and emotions. With emotions the situation is more complicated:

Don’t listen to those who advise to “strengthen, hold on, take courage...”. Don't save up your tears! If you want to cry, cry, if you feel sad, be sad. Tears are a normal physiological reaction to pain, in this case to mental pain. This is a kind of emotional release. After crying, a person may feel exhausted, overwhelmed and empty, but he feels better. Know that you have the right to express your feelings and you don't have to make excuses for them. Be sure to explain to young children that your emotions are caused not by their behavior, but by grief for the deceased. If you hold back your tears, your child may try to copy your behavior without understanding the reasons for it, and subsequently will hold back any of his emotions. Just like yourself, allow the child to cry for the deceased if he wants to. Comfort him, talk to him, help him live through his feelings.

Consider who you can talk to about your loved one who has left you. If there is no such person in your environment, use modern opportunities for psychological support - for example, the Memoriam website, helplines, psychological help services. The main thing is to talk. About loss, about loneliness, about feelings, about fears... Don’t be shy about appearing weak, grief turns everyone into little helpless children for a while. Talk about the deceased with God.

Do not try to talk to the deceased. He is no longer physically around. Do not turn to the occult, do not listen to those who are trying to tell you about superstitions, omens, and so on.

Keeping a diary helps soften intense emotions. Write about your thoughts, feelings, and the pain of loss. Make it a rule to re-read what you have written after a while, and then try to analyze what has changed during this period of time. Which feelings have become more acute? Which ones, on the contrary, left? What have you learned? This kind of self-analysis will reveal your strengths and weaknesses. In the future, rely on what you are strong in, look for sources of support where you are unsure of yourself.

Another way to ease the pain is to write a letter to the deceased. Even if the death was not sudden, there is always a lot left unspoken and unspoken. Write. You need it, not him. If you haven't finished saying something important, you have the opportunity to do it now. Don't be afraid to appear ridiculous because there is nowhere to send the letter, you can simply burn it. It is important that the letter will help you free yourself from the burden of misunderstandings that you carry.

If you don’t like to write, but emotions and memories are overwhelming, try this method. Place two jars next to each other. Prepare a number of small multi-colored balls and small pieces of paper. When you remember good things about the deceased, place one ball in the jar. This will be your memory bank. If you remember some sad incident, an insult, a quarrel, write on a piece of paper what you remembered, literally one or two words, roll the piece of paper into a ball and put it in another jar. This will be your jar of grievances. How long you do this is up to you. When you realize that most of the warm and kind memories are already “lying” in the memory bank, close it and put it where you see fit. Now all the bright memories are before your eyes. Look how many there are. When new grievances no longer come to mind, choose a day (perhaps it will be some date associated with the deceased) and burn paper balls - your grievances.

Be natural in grief. Don't let others impose certain behavior patterns on you. At the same time, do not refuse the help of loved ones if you need it. Trust your family and listen to yourself at the same time.

Be patient. No one can tell how long you will experience the pain of loss. Grief is like a surf - it will either recede, or rush in with renewed vigor. Holidays and family dates are especially hard to experience. For many years, pain can appear on the birthday of the deceased, on the anniversary of death, on New Year or Christmas. Don't hide from your feelings. Give free rein to your memories, order a memorial service in a church, pray at home, visit a cemetery.

Hit

The first feeling experienced by a person who has unexpectedly lost a loved one is a lack of understanding of what and how it happened. One single thought is spinning in his head: “It can’t be!” The first reaction he experiences is shock. In essence, this is a protective reaction of our body, a kind of “psychological anesthesia.”

Shock comes in two forms:

Numbness, inability to perform usual actions.
Excessive activity, agitation, screaming, fussiness.

Moreover, these states can alternate.

A person cannot believe what happened, he sometimes begins to avoid the truth. In many cases, there is rejection of what happened. Then the person:

Looking for the face of the deceased in a crowd of people.
Talks to him.
He hears the voice of the departed, feels his presence.
He plans some events together with him.
Keeps his belongings, clothes and everything connected with him intact.

If a person denies the fact of loss for a long time, then the mechanism of self-deception is activated. He does not accept the loss because he is not ready to experience unbearable mental pain.

How to cope with the death of a loved one? Advice and methods in the initial period boil down to one thing - believe in what happened, let your feelings break out, talk about them with those who are ready to listen, cry. Typically the period lasts about 40 days. If it drags on for months or even years, you should contact a psychologist or priest.

Let's look at the cycles grief goes through.

How to cope with the loss of a loved one and how you can help with it

Natalya Rivkina Photo: press service

From shock to despair: how we accept the death of loved ones

There are several stages that every bereaved person goes through.
It's shock, anger, despair and acceptance. Typically, these stages take a year. It is no coincidence that in ancient traditions mourning for the deceased lasted just as long. These experiences are individual and depend on the degree of closeness with the deceased person, on the circumstances in which he passed away. At each stage there may be experiences that seem abnormal to people. For example, they hear the voice of a deceased person or feel his presence. They may remember the deceased, have dreams about him, they may even experience anger at the deceased or, conversely, not experience any emotions. These conditions are natural and caused by the functioning of the brain. But it is important to know that pathological reactions to stress can occur at each stage. It is believed that the most difficult time follows immediately after the loss. This is not entirely true. The moment we lose a loved one, biological defense mechanisms are activated. It may seem to us that what happened is unreal or as if we are observing events from the outside. Many patients say that at this moment they do not feel anything. This condition can last from several hours to several days.

Sometimes, when a loved one dies unexpectedly, the state of shock can last for years. We call this the delayed stress response. This condition requires specialized support. In past centuries, mourners were used to “prevent” such conditions. Their task was to bring tears to loved ones and thereby help them overcome the state of emotional disconnection.

According to modern protocols, in acute states of grief it is not recommended to use tranquilizers that remove emotional reactions. Often, to alleviate the condition, loved ones give phenazepam or relanium. But no matter how emotionally difficult it is, a person must go through pain and grief. If we turn off our emotions, we greatly increase the risk of severe delayed reactions to stress in the future.

People facing loss may experience anger at circumstances, at doctors, at themselves. But the hardest anger is anger towards a person who has died. People understand that this is irrational anger; moreover, they consider it abnormal. It is important to understand that everyone has the right to be angry at the person who left. This anger can be a real challenge for someone who simultaneously feels great love and anger, for example because a loved one refused to go to the doctor or did not want to undergo examinations. This is especially true for children. All young children experience intense anger towards a deceased parent. Even if they saw him sick or knew that he was dying.

Many people, having lost a loved one, feel guilty. This is a difficult test, which is why in many clinics around the world there is forgiveness psychotherapy. Its goal is for the dying person and his loved ones to have the opportunity to say “sorry” for all the insults, to say words of gratitude and words of love to each other. After such therapy, people do not experience a feeling of guilt, which for many becomes irredeemable, because they no longer have the opportunity to say important words to the person who left and be heard.

It is generally accepted that the first days after the death of a loved one are the most difficult, but the most emotionally difficult time comes at the stage of despair, when people are fully aware of the irreversibility of the loss. This usually occurs 3–4 months after death. At this time, people may feel anxious, may persistently return in their memories to the person who died, they may think that they saw him on the street, heard his voice. This is the time when a person no longer receives the support that he received in the first days after the loss. He is left alone with the pain. It is important to know this not only for the person experiencing loss, but also for his family and friends, because sometimes at this stage additional support from a specialist is required. After despair, there comes a period when we can fully accept what happened and begin to move on.

There are factors that contribute to the development of pathological reactions when people develop post-stress conditions after a year or two, up to post-traumatic stress disorder. Children and older people are most susceptible to developing delayed post-stress conditions.

Additional factors include the unexpectedness of death, the death of a loved one at a young age, unresolved severe conflict in the relationship with the deceased, and the inability to say goodbye to him. People are haunted by intrusive memories of what happened, they are tormented by nightmares, and symptoms of depression appear. Often patients have a hard time when the family forbids remembering the deceased person, discussing what happened, and removing all photographs. The family feels that this way it is easier to get through the grief.

Natalya Rivkina Photo: press service

How to tell your child about death and help them cope with grief

Many adults, wanting to protect the child, hide traumatic information. But this is not true. In my work, I often come across young patients who have not known about the death of one of their parents for years. Unfortunately, these children are at risk of developing severe reactions to stress. It is important that the child knows that the family is going through a difficult ordeal. But it is also important that parents receive support from specialists, because they are afraid of hurting their children with emotions, they do not know how to start a conversation correctly, or in what words to explain the loss. It is important to discuss with a specialist how to speak correctly about difficult topics. Information should be provided by close people whom he knows and loves. Children are often not taken to funerals. When someone dies in the family, the child is taken away to stay with relatives for a while. It is important that the child can see a loved one who has died, otherwise he may not believe what happened for a long time, and it will be difficult to help him. We work with children and families who have palliative care patients, we help them prepare for the death of a loved one.

You should not expect the child to respond correctly. Sometimes a child who is told about the death of a loved one nods and runs on as if nothing had happened. This is perplexing for many adults. In fact, the child is taking a time out; he needs time to cope with information and emotions. There is a protective mechanism at work that protects the child’s psyche. It is important not to pull children down, not to scold them, not to force them to behave quietly or in the way that is customary in the house during mourning.

Many adults try to restrain their emotions and do not share their pain. Children in such families acutely feel loneliness and lack of support, they feel that they are being rejected. The child begins to look for reasons and finds them in himself. Not knowing what to do, he begins to behave badly in order to attract his parents' attention. Do not forget that a child perceives the death of a parent as a betrayal. Children often experience irrational anger and then experience guilt. They feel that they have been deprived of support and love. At this stage, children and adolescents require professional help.

How to understand that a loved one needs help

When pathological grief reactions develop, it is important that people receive professional support. In such states, a person becomes detached, irritable, indifferent, and loses interest in what was important to him. If this continues for several months, it makes sense to seek help. In the absence of support, children may begin to have problems with their studies, and somatic symptoms are possible: abdominal pain, nausea.

We all grieve differently and need different types of support. Some people need to be hugged, others want to be alone. Most divorces in families that have experienced loss are due to the fact that people simply did not know how to support each other. Our job is to teach the right support. Grief and loss therapy is a separate area of psychotherapy. Our clinic has doctors who specialize in working with such patients. There are many nuances here related to the safety of patients, so that they do not experience re-traumatization when remembering what happened.

The loss of a loved one often deprives people of the meaning of life, goals, and life guidelines. The goal of psychotherapy is that a person, having experienced traumatic events, can continue to live a full life, filled with meaning and joy. If a family loses a loved one, the family structure and sometimes lifestyle have to change. For example, if we are talking about the loss of a person who earned money or resolved issues of raising children. The whole family has to go through a life restructuring, and here psychotherapeutic support can be very important.

Sometimes we grieve because we should grieve for the sake of the person who died. Because it will be strange if we continue to live happily when a dear and beloved person has passed away. However, our loved ones, dying, would definitely want us to continue to live and enjoy life. Therefore, the fact that we return to life after experiencing grief and move on is our dedication to the person who died.

Many people are afraid to forget the deceased: they often go to the cemetery, return their thoughts to the deceased person, keep all his things at home for fear that his features, voice, and everything connected with him will not remain in their memory. Memory is something that remains forever in our heart. This is what our loved ones gave us when we were together. Our knowledge, experience acquired together, habits, interests, goals. This is the memory of the deceased that is written inside us and remains with us forever.

Symptoms of “normal” grief

Lindemann Erich identified the symptoms of “normal” grief, that is, the feeling that every person develops when losing a loved one. So, the symptoms:

Physiological, that is, periodically recurring attacks of physical suffering: a feeling of tightness in the chest, attacks of emptiness in the stomach, weakness, dry mouth, spasms in the throat.
Behavioral - haste or slowness of speech rate, inconsistency, freezing, lack of interest in business, irritability, insomnia, everything falls out of hand.
Cognitive symptoms include confusion, self-doubt, and difficulty paying attention and concentrating.
Emotional – feelings of helplessness, loneliness, anxiety and guilt.

Fear

One of the strongest feelings that can accompany loss is fear. Night or day, alone or in a crowd, fear comes unexpectedly and literally paralyzes you. What to do in such a situation?

It is important to understand that this is not the fear of an adult in a real dangerous situation, but rather a “childish” reaction to the unknown that surrounds you after the death of a loved one. To regain your “adult” state, to stay “here and now,” try the following.

When you feel afraid, first look around. After all, there is no immediate threat to your life and health? Do this: highlight five colors that surround you. What color is the ceiling? Floor? Armchair? Curtains? Your clothes? Look at any objects, but you must not just recognize the color by smearing it with your eyes, but identify it, perhaps name it out loud.

Next, select five sounds: a clock, a bird, a car outside the window, a TV - whatever you like, but there should also be five sounds. In the silence of the night, this could be the sound of your breathing, the beating of your heart, the rustling of a blanket, the wind in the leaves outside the window, the sound of water in the pipes... Listen carefully, each sound also needs to be distinguished and named.

Then listen to the sensation of your own body. Your hands - where are they, warm or cold, dry or wet with sweat? Legs are the same. Back of the head and neck area. Back. Abdomen and groin area. Feel all these parts of the body. Carefully, slowly. Then look around again.

For people who are visually impaired or hard of hearing, the distinction of color or sound can be replaced by tactile sensations of objects. Touch what's near you. Identify five different sensations - the wool of a carpet, the cool wood of furniture, the soft upholstery of a chair, paper wallpaper... Try to distinguish the subtle odors emitted by these objects. Usually this exercise returns a sense of reality in case of irrational fears.

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Time of sorrow

The shock and denial of the loss lasts about 48 hours.
During the first week, emotional exhaustion is observed (there were funerals, funeral services, meetings, wakes).
From 2 to 5 weeks, some people return to everyday activities: work, school, normal life. But those closest to us begin to feel the loss most acutely. They experience melancholy, grief, and anger more acutely. This is a period of acute grief that can drag on for a long time.
Mourning lasts from three months to a year; this is a period of helplessness. Some are overtaken by depression, others need additional care.
An anniversary is a very important event when the ritual end of mourning takes place. That is, a service, a trip to the cemetery, a memorial. Relatives gather, and the common grief eases the grief of loved ones. This happens if there is no jam. That is, if a person cannot come to terms with the loss, is not able to return to everyday life, he seems to be stuck in his grief, remaining in his grief.

A difficult life test

How can you cope with the death of a loved one? How can you bear it all and not break? The loss of a loved one is one of the most difficult and serious trials in life. Every adult has experienced loss to one degree or another. It is stupid to advise a person to pull himself together in this situation. At first it is very difficult to accept the loss, but there is an opportunity not to aggravate your condition and try to cope with stress.

Unfortunately, there is no quick and universal way to survive the death of a loved one, but all measures must be taken to ensure that this grief does not result in a severe form of depression.

If sad news is received...

The death of a loved one is an extraordinary event that affects many aspects of a person's life. There is such a thing as “extreme grief.” This is the state in which a grieving person remains for the first time after a loss. Typically, the period of extreme, or acute, grief lasts until the third to ninth day, sometimes a little longer. Shocked by what happened, we don’t know what to do, how to react, what to pay attention to. How to not let grief consume you? First of all, it is important to recognize that you need support. Try not to be alone with yourself and not to withdraw into yourself. Share your feelings with those you trust. Typically, people experiencing grief do not realize that they need help; they overestimate their physical and psychological state, believing that they can handle everything themselves. But such an overestimation of one’s capabilities is actually the result of an extremely stressful situation that distorts the real perception of reality. You need help from your loved ones!

When you need specialist help

There are people who are “stuck” in their difficult emotional state, cannot cope with grief on their own and do not know how to cope with the death of a loved one. Psychology identifies signs that should alert others and force them to immediately consult a specialist. This should be done if the mourner:

constant obsessive thoughts about the worthlessness and purposelessness of life;
purposeful avoidance of people;
persistent thoughts of suicide or death;
there is an inability to return to the usual way of life for a long time;
slow reactions, constant emotional breakdowns, inappropriate actions, uncontrollable laughter or crying;
sleep disturbances, severe weight loss or gain.

If there is any doubt or concern about a person who has recently experienced the death of a loved one, it is better to consult a psychologist. It will help the grieving person understand himself and his emotions.

Psychologists often help to cope with loss

There is nothing wrong with seeking psychological help from a specialist. Experienced psychologists have extensive experience in working through such situations. Psychotherapeutic therapy and medications put even the most desperate patients back on their feet.

They work on the three main symptoms of human grief:

Physical. This includes tears, sobs, hysterical attacks. Psychologists will help you cope with irritability and overcome indifference to the world around you.
Behavioral. These are, for example, constantly interrupted speech, as well as confusion. This can also be understood, since all thoughts are focused on the deceased person. Few can think clearly at this time. Psychologists teach you to control your behavior and explain how important it is to clearly express your thoughts.
Emotional. At such moments, a person begins to look for someone to blame. Intense anger then turns into depression, which is quite difficult to get out of. A person becomes withdrawn and spends more and more time alone, alone with his thoughts. Harmonization of the emotional system is also within the competence of specialists. In case of depression, it is recommended to consult a psychotherapist.

The reason for the appearance of symptoms is that the person is afraid of dying himself, as well as losing his remaining relatives. If you do not help a person in time, then the listed symptoms will thoroughly destroy his psyche.

Believers prefer to experience the death of a loved one in quiet grief and prayer. The role of a psychotherapist for them is often played by a priest, who can help as well as doctors.

Advice from psychologist Grigory Dmitrochenko:

Tips: how to cope with the death of a loved one

These are general recommendations on how to cope with the tragedy, what needs to be done during this difficult period:

You should not refuse the support of others and friends.
Take care of yourself and your physical condition.
Give free rein to your feelings and emotions.
Try to express your feelings and emotions through creativity.
Don't set time limits for grief.
Do not suppress emotions, cry out grief.
To be distracted by those who are dear and loved, that is, by the living.

How to cope with the death of a loved one? Psychologists advise writing a letter to someone who has passed away. It should say something that you didn’t manage to do or communicate during your lifetime, or admit something. In general, pour everything out on paper. You can write about how you miss a person and what you regret.

Those who believe in magic can turn to psychics for help and advice on how to survive the death of a loved one. They are also known to be good psychologists.

In difficult times, many people turn to the Lord for help. How to cope with the death of a loved one? Priests advise believers and mourners who are far from religion to come to church more often, pray for the deceased, and remember him on certain days.

Tears and crying for the deceased

The funeral ritual also has some mysterious mythical meaning. Tears and crying in the traditions of many peoples symbolize not only the natural expression of pain, grief, suffering, but also carry a form of ritual behavior. Previously, specially hired mourners were invited to the funeral; mourning the deceased, they ask him for forgiveness on behalf of all those present. An unmourned dead person will not be forgiven, which means he will suffer in the next world.

In “The Tale of Peter and Fevronia of Murom,” Fevronia, when asked by Peter, where are your parents, replies: “...my father and my mother went on loan to cry - they went to the funeral and mourned the deceased there. And when death comes for them, others will mourn them: this is crying on loan.” Cry

was also a way of communicating with deceased ancestors and asking them to accept a new member into the afterlife. Another funeral lament is a kind of appeal to the deceased with a request to convey greetings to relatives in the next world.

Tears before the coffin

- this is the same as in a wedding ceremony, a sign of gratitude to the deceased for being close to loved ones for many years. Nowadays, people turn to God less often, only in the most difficult moments of life and at the time of the death of their neighbor. If God is nevertheless remembered, God's plan regarding death should be deeply understood. No wonder they say: “God gave, God took.” From the Orthodox point of view, death is falling asleep, “dormition”, hence the term “deceased”, that is, death is a transition to another, eternal life. The human body is the “temple of God”: “Don’t you know that you are the temple of God, and the Spirit of God lives in you?” (1 Cor. 3:16). Caring for the body of the deceased is associated with the main Christian postulate of the Resurrection. The cemetery is also called a “graveyard,” meaning that the dead came here only to stay. Funeral lamentation is understood as helping the deceased to atone for all sins on earth and go to the Eternal Kingdom to be resurrected.

It's not scary to die, it's scary to disappear without a trace

How to help someone cope with the pain of loss

It is very painful to see a loved one, friend, acquaintance who has just lost a relative. How to help a person survive the death of a loved one, what to say to him, how to behave, how to alleviate his suffering?

Trying to help their neighbor endure pain, many people try to distract him from what happened and avoid talking about death. But it's not right.

What should you say or do to help cope with the death of a loved one? Effective ways:

Do not ignore conversations about the deceased. If less than 6 months have passed since the death, then all the thoughts of a friend or relative revolve around the deceased. It is very important for him to speak out and cry. You cannot force him to suppress his emotions and feelings. However, if more than a year has passed since the tragedy, and all conversations still revolve around the deceased, then you should change the topic of conversation.
Distract the grieving person from his grief. Immediately after a tragedy, a person cannot be distracted by anything; he only needs moral support. But after a few weeks, it’s worth starting to give a person’s thoughts a different direction. It’s worth inviting him to some places, signing up for joint courses, and so on.
Switch the person's attention. It is best to ask him to provide some help. Show him that his help is needed and needed. Taking care of an animal speeds up the process of getting out of depression.

Is it possible to be prepared for the death of a loved one?

Death is a terrible event, it is impossible to get used to it. For example, police officers, pathologists, investigators, doctors, who have to see many deaths, seem to learn over the years to accept the death of others without emotion, but they are all afraid of their own departure and, like all people, do not know how to cope with the departure of a very close person.

You can’t get used to death, but you can prepare yourself psychologically for the passing of a loved one:

If a person is terminally ill. You need to spend more time with him, give him the opportunity to talk about everything that is important to him, and also share your experiences and secrets with him. Tell all your family and friends about the situation, they will also be able to enjoy his company. We need to brighten up the last months of a loved one as much as possible. When he's gone, the memory of it will bring some comfort. How to cope with the death of a very close person if he was sick for a long time? Such a loss results in long-term depression and serious emotional upheaval. The grieving person himself falls out of life for a long period of time. If a person is unconscious, it is necessary to provide care for him and also spend more time. Talk to him, remember and tell him something positive, tell him everything that you would like to say. Maybe he will hear everything you say.
If a person is engaged in work associated with risk. Convince him to change his job or occupation. If he disagrees and really loves his job, you need to appreciate every moment spent with this person.
If a relative is elderly, you should come to terms with the idea that this will happen someday anyway. We need to spend more time together. They often like to talk about their youth, are interested in everything that happens in the lives of their grandchildren and children, and are very happy when they are interested in their opinion and knowledge. It is important that the final stage of a loved one’s life be bright and happy.
How to survive death if a person has died? Accept what happened; the sooner it happens, the easier it will be to recover from the blow. Talk about him with friends and loved ones, pray for him, talk to him, apologize or say what you didn’t have time to say during your lifetime. Sudden death is a terrible tragedy, it changes the people who survive. Because of the unexpectedness of what happened, the grieving process lasts longer for relatives than for deaths from old age or illness.

How to improve your life after the death of your parents

The loss of parents is always a great tragedy. The psychological connection that is established between relatives makes their loss a very difficult experience. How to survive the death of a loved one, mother? What to do when she is no longer there? How to cope with grief? What to do and how to survive the death of a loved one, dad? How to survive grief if they die together?

No matter how old we are, coping with the loss of a parent is never easy. It seems to us that they left too soon, but it will always be at the wrong time. You need to accept a bereavement, you need to learn to live with it. For quite a long time, in our thoughts we turn to our departed father or mother, asking them for advice, but we must learn to live without their support.

The death of a parent changes life dramatically. In addition to bitterness, grief and loss, there is a feeling that life has fallen into the abyss. How to survive the death of a loved one and return to life:

The fact of loss must be accepted. And the sooner this happens, the better. You need to understand that the person will never be with you again, that neither tears nor mental anguish will bring him back. We must learn to live without a mother or father.
Memory is the greatest human value; our deceased parents continue to live in it. Remembering them, you should not forget about yourself, your plans, affairs, aspirations.
It is worth gradually getting rid of difficult memories of death. They make a person depressed. Psychologists advise you to cry, you can go to a psychologist or priest. You can start keeping a diary, the main thing is not to keep everything to yourself.
If you feel lonely, you need to find someone who needs care and attention. You can have a pet. Their selfless love and vitality will help overcome grief.

There are no ready-made recipes for how to survive the death of a loved one that are suitable for absolutely all people. Loss situations and emotional connections are different for everyone. And everyone experiences grief differently.

What is the easiest way to cope with the death of a loved one? You need to find something that will ease your soul, do not be shy to show emotions and feelings. Psychologists believe that you need to “get over” grief, and only then will relief come.

The second stage is anger and resentment.

You are constantly looking for the reasons why this happened, imagining what would have happened if... You ask yourself and those around you: “Why did God allow this?” “Why couldn’t the doctors save you?” “Why am I in such misfortune?” At the same time, anger, anger and resentment appear against those who, it seems, could have prevented the terrible thing. Accusations are thrown at fate, at God, at doctors, friends or colleagues. But such a reaction is necessary. It makes it easier to cope with grief.

Daria, 39 years old, her dad died a month and a half ago: “At first I thought: the doctors made a mistake, and resuscitation is still possible! Then despair set in. Anger at the doctors for not doing everything possible, for not taking risks...”

Remember with kind words and deeds

People often ask how to ease their grief after the death of a loved one. How to live with this? Easing the pain of loss is sometimes impossible and unnecessary. The time will come when you can manage your grief. To ease the pain a little, you can do something in memory of the deceased. Maybe he dreamed of doing something himself, he could bring this matter to completion. You can do charity work in his memory, dedicate some creation in his honor.

It is important to preserve his memory and always remember him with kind words and deeds.

And a few more recommendations...

How to cope with the death of a loved one? There is no universal and simple advice; it is a multifaceted and individual process. But the most important thing:

You need to give yourself time for the mental wound to heal.
Don't be afraid to ask for help if you need it.
It is necessary to monitor your diet and follow a daily routine.
Do not rush to calm yourself down with alcohol or medications.
Do not self-medicate. If you cannot do without sedatives, it is better to consult a doctor for a prescription and recommendations.
You need to talk about your deceased loved one with anyone who will listen.

And most importantly, accepting the loss and learning to live with it does not mean forgetting or betraying. This is healing, that is, a correct and natural process.

Physiology

Now a little about the physiological aspects of grief. Today everyone knows about the connection between the emotional and the somatic (bodily). Deep experience can cause illness in the body. Grief manifests itself in a person's appearance. The grieving person is muscularly tense, tense, and cannot relax. Such tension can cause sleep disorders, which, in turn, leads to breathing problems, pressure surges, and heart disease. Muscle tension is best relieved by massage - and this is not a whim, it is a necessity! If you have previously had experience in body relaxation, then you can return to it now; if not, it is better not to start without the help of a specialist. Don't ignore your body's needs.

Try to maintain your usual daily routine. Don’t forget about food, but don’t go to the other extreme - don’t “eat up” grief. If the “urge to eat something” is uncontrollable, try to understand: are you really hungry or just need comfort in this way? If you lack emotional support, seek it from loved ones, friends or specialists.

Another vital need that must be met is sleep. If you can’t fix it on your own, consult a doctor for medication support.

The pace of your life is also a very important aspect. It is possible that during the period of grief you will not be able to perform all those functions that you could easily cope with before. Allow yourself to reduce stress, remember that stress negatively affects all areas of life. Get more rest. Evaluate which rest is better - active or passive. Don't be afraid to show weakness and don't feel guilty about it. You'll get back to your normal routine when you can, but for now just take care of yourself.

Time passes, emotions that did not allow breathing weaken and are replaced by others. You will always miss the deceased person, it’s just that the acute pain will be replaced by sadness and sad memories, and then they will become bright. This means that the most difficult period is over. Experiencing grief does not mean forgetting. This means learning to live fully after the loss of a loved one.

From the forum of the site memoriam.ru

I went through the bulk of my son’s things before 40 days. I put his school uniform, some shoes, and a new, never worn down jacket in a huge box. A friend asked me to look for someone who needed things for a boy. The mother of one of her friends found a large family, and they handed everything over to her. I was later told that when the family received the things and the boy tried them on, the parents cried with happiness, because they themselves would never have bought such good things. I asked what the boy's name was. It turned out that Misha was like my son. This is such a miracle. I immediately felt surprisingly calm. For a while, of course. But I couldn’t part with the most expensive and memorable things and I don’t want to anymore. I take care of them.