How to help yourself overcome grief: practical advice

How to “let go” of the soul of a dead husband?

Hello! I sympathize with you in your grief and hope to help you with a word of consolation. You can approach this issue from different angles, and therefore I will briefly, in the form of theses, present the main thoughts and arguments that will allow you to “let go of the deceased” and find the meaning of life yourself. And then you can think more deeply about what will be said. I will answer you as a Christian, and at the beginning I will remind you of the words of the Savior Jesus Christ:

Jesus said to her (Martha, Lazarus' sister): I am the resurrection and the life; He who believes in Me, even if he dies, will live. And everyone who lives and believes in Me will never die. Do you believe this? She says to Him: Yes, Lord! I believe that You are the Christ, the Son of God, coming into the world (John 11:25-28).

Amen, amen, I say to you: he who hears My word and believes in Him who sent Me has eternal life, and does not come into judgment, but has passed from death to life. Amen, amen, I say to you: the time is coming, and has already come, when the dead will hear the voice of the Son of God, and having heard, they will live (John 5:24-25).

Amen, amen, I say to you: he who believes in Me has eternal life (John 6:47).

1. We are born into this world from mortal parents, we are born crying and soon we face the loss of loved ones and learn that the moment of our death will inevitably come. But, of course, it’s one thing to die a natural death, and another thing to die prematurely, leaving a widowed spouse and orphans. It is even harder for parents to bury their children. Grief would be inconsolable if there were nothing beyond the threshold of death.

The Apostle Paul consoles us: “I do not want you, brothers, to be ignorant about the dead, so that you do not mourn like others who have no hope. For if we believe that Jesus died and rose again, then God will bring with Him those who died in Jesus. For we say this to you by the word of the Lord, that we who are alive and remain until the coming of the Lord will not warn those who have died, because the Lord Himself will come down from heaven with a shout, with the voice of the Archangel and the trumpet of God, and the dead in Christ will rise first; Then we who are left alive will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air, and so we will always be with the Lord. Therefore comfort one another with these words” (1 Thess. 4:13-18).

2. We must firmly believe that everything happens to us according to God’s good Providence. You need to understand that since this happened, then this is the will of God regarding your husband, you and all those people with whom he was related or simply communicated. We see only the present moment, but God plans for the long term. We cannot know for sure why this happens. But the Lord wants everyone to be saved (1 Tim. 2:4) and over time, with the eyes of faith, we will see that this is exactly how it should have been, this is the will of the Lord.

3. We measure everything that happens to us only by the standards and values ​​of this earthly life, we are looking for earthly, obviously temporary happiness. It’s as if we lived on earth forever. And the Lord arranges everything, taking care of our eternal fate. And in the face of eternity and the inheritance of the Kingdom of Heaven, deprivation of earthly goods, the loss of loved ones often becomes gain. “Those who consider it a misfortune for those who depart from life ... and who grieve heavily for those who have departed from this life to a spiritual and incorporeal life, it seems to me, do not pay attention to what our life is like, but suffer from the disadvantage of most people, who, due to some unreasonable habit, they love their present, whatever it may be, as a blessing...” (St. Gregory of Nyssa).

4. God has no dead, He is the God of the living (Matthew 22:32), and your spouse has passed on to God for eternity. “...If the hopes of Christians were limited to this life, then it would be fair to recognize the early separation from the body as regrettable. But if for those who live according to God, the beginning of true life is the release of the soul from these bodily bonds, then why should we grieve, since we have no hope? So, listen to my advice and do not fall under the weight of grief, but show that you are above it and do not succumb to it” (St. Basil the Great. Letter 97 (101)).

“You seem to be faithful, but you try to imitate the Hellenes and become like the infidels. For if you undoubtedly believe that at the end of this age there will be a resurrection of all the dead, then why do you continually and inconsolably torment yourself with weeping?” (Reverend Nilus of Sinai. Letter 2.160).

There should be a warm memory of the deceased, and not long, inconsolable sadness. He just got ahead of us. But he will rise again in the next century. Switch to what is good for him there. And when you pray, pray not so that it becomes easier for you, but for him, so that it becomes easier for him.

5. Pray to God not only for the repose of your husband’s soul. Pray to him for your soul too. Ask him to give you the strength to endure the grief that has befallen you, this temptation, this sorrow. Ask for wisdom and understanding. Turn to the Savior Christ God, as He himself calls us: “Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest; take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am meek and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls; for My yoke is easy and My burden is light” (Matthew 11:28-30).

6. You understand perfectly well that your inconsolable sadness is not pleasing to God. Christians should not grieve so much. The Monk Theodore the Studite writes: “With us everything is different, not worldly. So, when death happens, there is no crying and screaming here, like among those who love life, but the burial of the deceased takes place in silence: for here neither the wife wails, nor the children scream, nor the relatives compose lamentable songs, remembering one thing or another, but the departure is with joy, and the departure with good hope; although there are tears, out of spiritual love for the departed: in which there is nothing inappropriate; just as the Lord wept at the tomb of Lazarus, according to the nature of our nature (John 11:35).”

Faith and Christian truths help natural sadness about the death of loved ones change into comforting and quiet Christian joy. And let us hope that by the grace of God our minds will also be illuminated by the light of Truth, and we will be able to accept both our own death and the death of our loved ones worthy of the title of Christian.

7. Such intense sadness is not suitable for your spouse either. For his sake, you should not kill yourself, but start living, devote your life to some high goal, doing good deeds in memory of your husband.

8. Turn sincerely to God, bring him your sorrow and your strength, faith, talents, life. By acquiring God, you will gain everything. Without God, without God you have nothing.

9. Run to God in repentance. Repentance will open your eyes to everything that happened in your life. And think about it, because if “there is joy in heaven over one sinner who repents” (Luke 15:7), then your piety will bring joy to your husband.

10. It is obvious that by grieving inconsolably over the loss of your husband, you are not bringing benefit to him, nor to yourself, nor to those around you, nor to the Church, nor to society. But how to find peace and strength for future life? This is possible if only you have a real goal for which it is worth living and not afraid to die. It must be that greater than our temporary pleasures and worries.

11. People spend a lot of money on monuments, and you make a modest grave in a Christian way. And in memory of the deceased, donate to the construction and restoration of God’s holy churches. And the whole Church will pray for you.

12. Try to read more, be inspired by the examples of saints and heroes. I can recommend you the following patristic works:

The Holy Gospel and the interpretation of St. John Chrysostom on it. His words “To a young widow”, “On consolation in death”; St. Gregory of Nyssa “A Word to those who mourn for those who have passed from this present life to the eternal”; Hieromartyr Cyprian of Carthage “Book of Mortality”; St. Ambrose of Milan “On the Good of Death”; Rev. Ephraim the Syrian “Funeral Hymns” and others. Not long ago I came across the book of Metropolitan Nicholas of Mesogeia and Lavraeotiki “Where God is not visible.” It deals with situations where a person is challenged by suffering and death, when all hope disappears. The dramatic circumstances in which parents find themselves when faced with a fatal illness of a child are described. Examples are given of people who experienced the tragedy of the death of their children, and those who transformed the expectation of their own death into the hope of the Kingdom of God.

An interesting story by Clive Staples Lewis, “The Great Divorce,” is an allegorical story about hell and heaven. The title of the book can be misleading: in fact, it is not about divorce at all. The author alludes to the book of the English artist and poet William Blake, “The Marriage of Heaven and Hell” (1793). It states that Good and Evil are only two sides of a single world, that they are necessary for each other, that they feed on each other. In the form of a parable-vision, Lewis argues with this point of view and shows that the marriage of Good and Evil is impossible.

God help you, and forgive me if I did not cope with the task. And in conclusion, I will cite an excerpt from the words of St. John Chrysostom.

“If we are the sons of martyrs, if we wish to be their fellows, then we will not grieve over death, we will not mourn those dear to us who go to the Lord before us. If we want to grieve for them, then the blessed martyrs will reproach us and say: Oh, believers and those who desire the kingdom of God, you who bitterly weep and sob for your dear ones, dying calmly on couches and soft beds - what would you do? if they were seen tormented and killed by the pagans for the name of the Lord? Don't you have an ancient example? Forefather Abraham, sacrificing his only son, killed him with the sword of obedience to God (Gen. 0:10), and did not spare the one whom he loved with such love in order to prove his obedience to the Lord. But if you say that he did this according to God’s command, then you also have a commandment not to grieve for the dead. And whoever does not observe the least, how will he observe the greater? ...I would like to offer one more example to correct those who think of mourning the dead. This example is from pagan history. There was one pagan leader who had an only and rather beloved son. When, according to pagan delusion, he was making a sacrifice to his idols in the Capitol, the news reaches him that his only son is gone. He did not leave the victim that was in his hands, did not cry or even sigh, but listen to what he answered: let them, he says, bury him; I remember that I gave birth to a son to a mortal. Look at this answer, look at the courage of the pagan: he did not even order to wait for himself so that his son could be buried in his presence. What will happen to us, brothers, if on the very day of judgment the devil brings him against us before Christ and says: this admirer of mine, whom I deceived with my wiles so that he would serve blind and deaf idols, to whom I did not promise a resurrection from the dead, neither heaven nor the kingdom of heaven, this valiant man, having learned about the death of his only son, was not saddened, and did not sigh, and did not leave my temple at such news; and your Christians, your believers, for whom you were crucified and died, so that they would not be afraid of death, but would be confident in the resurrection, not only mourn the dead with both voice and appearance, but then even find it difficult to go to church, and some even from the clergy Yours and shepherds interrupt their service, indulging in tears, as if against Your will. Why? Because You deigned to call them to You from the darkness of the age. How will we, brethren, be able to answer this? Will we not be overcome with shame when we find ourselves inferior to the pagans in this respect? A pagan who does not know God must cry, because as soon as he dies, he goes straight to execution. The Jew must also lament, who, not believing in Christ, doomed his soul to destruction. Our catechumens are also worthy of regret if they, either through their unbelief or through the negligence of their neighbors, die without saving baptism. But whoever is sanctified by grace, sealed with faith, honest in behavior or unchangeable in innocence, when he departs from this world, one must please, and not mourn, one must envy, and not grieve for him greatly, - however, envy in moderation, so as we know that in due time we ourselves will follow them. ...So, brethren, we have shown the universality of death, explained the impermissibility of tears, shown the weakness of the ancients and its unusualness for Christians, explained the mystery of the Lord, cited the testimony of the apostles about the resurrection, mentioned the acts of the apostles and the sufferings of the martyrs, pointed, in addition, to the example of David and , in addition to this, in response to the pagan’s act, they finally presented both harmful and beneficial sadness, the one that harms and the one that saves through repentance. When all this is shown in this way, what else should we do, brothers, if not cry out with gratitude to God the Father: “Thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven” (Matthew 6:10)? Thou hast given life, Thou hast established death; You bring into the world, You bring out of the world and, having brought out, You preserve; nothing of Yours perishes, since You said that not even a hair of their heads will perish (Luke 21:18). “If you hide your face, they are troubled; if you take away their spirit, they die and return to their dust; If you send forth Your spirit, they will be created, and You will renew the face of the earth” (Ps. 103:29,30). Here, brothers, are words worthy of believers, here is saving medicine; whose eye is wiped with this sponge of consolation, moistened with prudence by this lotion, he will not only not feel the blindness of despair, but will not experience even the slightest suppuration of sadness, but on the contrary, looking at everything brightly with the eyes of his heart, he will say like the most patient Job: “naked I came from my mother's womb, naked and I will return. The Lord gave, the Lord also took away; as the Lord pleased, so it was done; Blessed be the name of the Lord!” (Job 1:21).”

Live your grief from beginning to end

Nature has a natural mechanism for dealing with grief. If you go through it from start to finish, the pain will dull and become a little easier. Let's look at the main stages of grief:

1. Shock. Usually the state of shock lasts up to 3 days. During this period, parents may deny the death of the child, believe in a mistake, or a bad dream. They require irrefutable facts confirming that their son is dead. Some people get stuck at this stage for many years. They peer into the faces of the children, looking for their own among them. Or they leave the son’s room and things untouched in case he returns home.
2. Sobbing. The shock usually goes away after the funeral. This is immediately followed by a stage of sobs and hysterics. The mother can howl and scream until she is hoarse. Outbursts of emotions alternate with a state of complete physical and emotional exhaustion. The sobbing lasts for about a week.
3. Depression. Hysterics occur less and less often, but at the same time, anger, longing for my son, and a feeling of emptiness grow inside. A woman may feel insufficient participation from relatives; it seems to her that everyone has already forgotten about the tragedy.
4. Mourning. Begins on the 40th day after death and continues until its anniversary. This period is characterized by frequent memories and “replaying” of bright moments. The pain recedes, and then comes in a new wave. There is a desire to speak out, to talk to someone about my son.
5. Death anniversary. An important date when all loved ones gather to honor the memory of the deceased. Relatives celebrate this day with remembrance, wakes, prayer, and a trip to the cemetery. Such a ritual should help parents say goodbye to their son and let him go. From this moment on, you need to take control of your feelings and do everything to return to a full life.

The death of a child divides life in half. After the tragedy, she will never be the same. But we need to continue living. And to do this, you must learn to deal with pain.

Advice. If enough time has passed since your son's death and you are stuck in one of the states, try to move on to the next stage of grief. Having experienced all the grief from beginning to end, you will feel relief.

What will happen when he is gone?

When my husband was still alive, I thought about what would happen when he was gone. Will I feel relief? And do I want him not to exist? After all, it was so hard for me that it seemed simply impossible to live.

My friends said: “It’s strange that you didn’t drink yourself to death and didn’t go crazy.” I was afraid of this myself all the time. And I honestly admit that I relieved stress a little not only with medications, but sometimes I could still buy a bottle of champagne and drink a glass in the evening to relieve the tension a little. I’m generally not very fond of stronger drinks... but that was it.

My good friends, who loved both Sasha and me, imagining the horror I was living in, repeatedly talked about sending Sasha to a hospice. And I said: “Never and never. He was always afraid of hospitals. Let him live in his own house." For him, home was always very important, and therefore it was important for me that he felt at home, that he was loved, that nothing had changed in our lives, except that he was sick.

When my friends, with good intentions, seeing that he was already very bad, said:

“I wish all this would end sooner, I wish he would free you sooner!” I answered: “I don’t know what’s better, I don’t have an answer to this question.

I sometimes think with horror about the time when he will be gone, because I don’t know how I will live without him. Even like this, he is still next to me, and for me this is a blessing. It’s incredibly hard for me, but I want him to be near!”

Of course, such a connection between Alexander and me was not born out of nowhere. He taught me to tell everything, to share even some everyday little things.

And at the same time, I knew that this was absolutely my person, that he understood me, maybe even better than I understood myself. And I understand him. We had so many conversations in our previous life, we felt each other so much, sometimes we even had the same thoughts.

That’s probably why I still felt good with him until the very end. Especially when nothing hurt him.

Honor your son's memory

Very often, after the loss of a child, parents believe that they have no right to experience happiness anymore. Any positive emotions are perceived as a betrayal of the son. But dooming yourself to eternal suffering is wrong. It's better to express your respects in another way:

1. Pray for the peace of your son.
2. Visit his grave on every anniversary, on the parental (memorial) week that follows Easter, Radonitsa. If you feel the need, come to the cemetery more often.
3. Collect an album of happy photos and homemade cards from your child. In moments of melancholy, take it out and look through it. Try to remember only joyful moments.
4. Make a donation to an organization that interests your son.
5. Organize an evening of remembrance. Invite your child's friends and family to a dinner in his honor. Invite guests to share good memories, stories related to their son, and photographs.
6. Place a lit candle on the windowsill on the second Sunday in December at 19:00. On this day, parents of deceased children unite in their grief. A wave of lights envelops the earth. “Every light in the window is the knowledge that these children illuminated our lives, that they will forever be remembered. It means hope that grief will not last forever. A lit candle builds bridges from one grieving parent to another and, at least a little, warms a life that has become cold.”

Perhaps now it is difficult for you to imagine that the memory of your son may not be painful, but bring joy and happiness. But years later you will be able to see that it is possible.