Psychology of relations between husband and wife: crises, problems and how to solve them

The world of relationships between spouses is invisible, but extremely complex. It has features, laws and rules. Family relationships are based on the union of unique and inimitable people. Therefore, every married couple is different from the other. Representatives of each psychological school never tire of studying these relationships, drawing interesting conclusions, and identifying levels and types of relationships. But what they are unanimous about is that in the relationship between husband and wife, everything is interconnected. Family happiness depends on them.

Types of relationships between spouses

The relationship between husband and wife is very similar to any other. Family psychology divides them into the following types:

Cooperation is almost perfect. The couple has established mutual understanding and mutual support. This type is considered the best for a family.
Parity – here both partners are equal. When building such relationships, mutual benefit is pursued.
Competition is an expressed desire to achieve greater heights and get ahead of a partner. On the positive side, rivalry aimed at goals beneficial to the family will have a positive impact on marriage. But if there is competition, tension will certainly arise . Sometimes such rivalry can escalate into open confrontation.
Competition is the desire to dominate a spouse. In such conditions, the family cannot exist in integrity and unity . There is a constant struggle of interests between partners. The emergence of competition in relationships quickly destroys the family unit.
Antagonism consists of marital confrontation and is the result of competitive struggle. Staying together in a state of antagonism is a necessary measure. A family can be temporarily preserved due to some external factors, but then inevitably dies .

Important ! Family relationships are not constant and often change. Due to getting used to a partner or fatigue, competition, for example, can turn into temporary competition or parity.

“Love is given to everyone to experience, but not everyone agrees to it”

Most people marry for love, but there are not many happy families.
Even for people who try not to trust their impulses, test their feelings over time, and consult with their confessors, there often comes a time in family life when feelings fade away. How to survive this difficult period? How to return love? How to raise it in marriage? We are talking about this with the rector of the Church of the Nativity of the Blessed Virgin Mary in Krylatskoye, confessor of the city of Moscow, Archpriest Georgy BREEV. – Father George, is it even possible to understand why feelings fade away in marriage?
– It happens that people remain faithful, value and take care of each other, but honestly say that there is no love. She left, although for the majority it all began with love. But few people wonder why she left. But they themselves did not save it - from the first days they underestimated the importance and depth of marriage, did not pay enough attention to each other, did not try to truly understand and accept each other. Others had more than one relationship before marriage. It is not surprising that a person who has repeatedly followed the illegal path does not feel within himself the ability to love, and he also does not have faith in the love of another person for him. Such families are created out of necessity - there is a need for a home, some kind of sympathy, but nothing more.

We all learn to truly love gradually, but in order to learn, we must seek love, thirst for it, and understand that without love life is dull and colorless. And whoever internally agrees that he cannot love, dooms himself to a life without love, uninteresting and ugly. I saw people who lived together for sixty years or more, and they looked after each other so reverently. It felt like they were truly one. When one of the spouses died, the other experienced the loss very painfully - and if he had not loved, I think at that age he would have reacted with indifference. But these people were brought up in old traditions, the family was the main content of life for them. And now our whole life has changed so much that sometimes we think, resigning ourselves, that God forbid we preserve what we have.

– That is, even if the spouses remain faithful to each other, a marriage without love is defective?

– It’s probably impossible to say so categorically. The Apostle says: “Let marriage be honorable in all and the bed undefiled” (Heb. 13:4). The point is different - not only marriage, but our whole life is incomplete without love. God is love! He loves every person, even the most inveterate sinner. And love for a person is given to everyone, but not everyone accepts it, not everyone agrees to it. After all, true love is associated with suffering. Not everyone can handle them. I know one case - a tenth grader fell in love with a young teacher, followed her like a shadow, suffered! His mother tried to explain that he had his whole life ahead of him, he would still find his happiness, but he only insisted that he could not live without her. And in the end he committed suicide.

– Can there be an example of feelings that ended so tragically?

– The young man grew up in a non-church family and had no spiritual experience. He loved sincerely, purely, but, not having met a reciprocal feeling, he could not cope with the suffering. His mother then came to the temple, joined the church and worked in the temple - she decided to devote the rest of her life to God. Rarely have I seen such humility. How fervently she prayed for her son! And I believe that she begged him from God. But, of course, it is better to build a family on the right spiritual foundations from the very beginning and instill these foundations in children, so that they enter adult life spiritually strong, able to overcome difficult situations. But if there is no love between husband and wife, the spiritual foundations of the family can hardly be called correct.

Of course, love begins differently for everyone, and over the course of life, the understanding of what love is can change. There is such a concept - the depth of the heart. The Venerable Macarius of Egypt called the human heart an immeasurable abyss. One immediately wants to check the feeling with the mind, analyzes whether it is necessary to connect life with this person, in the end the mind wins. And the other surrenders to the feeling selflessly, he is captivated by the image of another person, loves him with all his heart. And it seems to him that without this person everything in the world will be colorless. In love, everything about the other is accepted. And when they ask a lover why you love him or her, he answers: I just love. If you analyze the human qualities of your loved one, you will definitely find the shadow side. Reason, logic, consistency kill the immediate feeling of love. Remember Russian romances. How beautiful they are, what a melody, harmony, and everywhere they sing about the love they have experienced. It ended, as a rule, in separation (the person himself cheated on his love or was cheated on), but the person forever remembered this amazing feeling of complete fascination with another. These are sensual images, but there are higher, true ones that transform a person. The saints were filled with selfless love for God. With their whole souls they felt God’s love for themselves and understood that He is the source of love. And they devoted their lives entirely to Him. Of course, we are all called to this love, but for a family person, the family is the main school of love and spiritual growth.

– Why, in practice, is it often the other way around - it is in living together that feelings fade away, and the charm of others is replaced by indifference to him, irritation?

– Today, many people get married very quickly, without even trying to get to know each other first; everyone only thinks about being liked. They recognize each other's character and habits only after the wedding. And such opposites open up that it is very difficult to accept each other. And you should have thought about this before marriage. Grooming is a very important period, it is then that you need to understand the person with whom you want to connect your life. No, then they only admired and admired each other, but now the complaints begin. Moreover, relatives interfere, which is completely unacceptable. The wife's parents instill in her: if you don't immediately take him under control, you will have no rights. The husband's parents are egging on their son: put her in her place right away, make it clear that you are a man, the head of the family. And some newlyweds, out of inexperience, listen to this advice, often unselfish, for example, due to envy of a beautiful wife or rejection of her family. Advice is unnecessary, unsolicited, and poisons the atmosphere of love, trust, and openness to each other.

Marriage is not a hierarchy of relationships; on the contrary, its purpose is for two to become one. And when people get married, none of their shortcomings, differences in upbringing, education should affect the fact that they are husband and wife, a single whole. If even the closest person says that he (she) is not a match for you, his advice should be swept aside. Before marriage, you could listen, now it’s irrelevant, now you have to become one.

Another big mistake many people make, in my opinion, is that they reduce their relationships to physiology. The young man is maturing, he is drawn to communicate with the girl, and this is natural. Perhaps in the near future they will become husband and wife. God willing! But if they put physical love first in the family, they can stop there. The impression from the first intimacy can be very strong, and then carnal feelings become boring, the needs for them may not coincide, hence jealousy based on the perception of the other as one’s own thing. But they don’t even think about the need to understand each other more deeply, to overcome differences in habits and approaches, to accept each other, to become one. There is no genuine relationship, they are simply ripe for sexual activity.

Now, if spiritual relationships come to the fore, husband and wife, after many years, will recognize each other in a new way and each time rejoice in their love anew. Carnal relationships in marriage are natural, but in no case should they be put in first place.

– Do people often come to you for advice whose marriage is on the verge of collapse? How are you trying to help them?

“They come very often, and not only young people, but also those who have lived for decades, and both are churchgoers. It happens that they have different confessors. In such cases, I always tell my children: either you go to your husband’s (wife’s) confessor, or both come to me. Only after listening to both sides will the priest be able to at least partially understand the essence of the conflict and give some advice. The Monk Ambrose of Optina always said in such cases: “Spouses, do not be mutually elastic.” These simple words of Elder Ambrose express the whole essence of the problem - the basis of family conflicts is pride, the unwillingness of spouses to give in to each other on anything. Especially among people 60-70 years old, who have lived their lives, raised children and grandchildren, they begin to find fault with little things.

To stop this process, a person must understand what his discontent is based on. The main reason is cooling. Lively feeling, attention, and mercy are replaced by lukewarmness. This is a property of our fallen human nature. Remember the words conveyed by the Lord to the Angel of the Ephesian Church: “But I have this against you, that you have left your first love. Remember therefore from whence you fell, and repent, and do the first works; but if not so, I will come to you quickly and remove your lamp from its place, unless you repent” (Rev. 2: 4-5). So in a small church, in a family, there is always a threat that the fire of first love will weaken, and there will be more smoke and soot than pure flame. The Apostle Paul says: “Test yourselves to see whether you are in the faith; examine yourselves” (2 Cor. 13:5). And in love you need to test yourself, look for the reason for the cooling of feelings. But no one can give a ready-made recipe, using which a person will immediately be inflamed with love for the chosen one. There are so many families, so many situations. But it won't be easy for anyone. If you couldn’t save love, you will have to work hard to restore the lost feeling.

– But there are many examples of unhappy first marriages and very strong and happy second ones. Why is the Church categorically against divorce, insisting that if love is gone, we should not separate, but try with all our might to revive it?

– Indeed, second marriages are often happier. People learn from mistakes and analyze why their first marriage failed. And many of those who were able to draw a conclusion, learned to value their neighbors, take care of them, value peace in the family, unity, find happiness in their second marriage.

But we are talking about what takes place in modern life. And in the Holy Scripture it is written: “For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother and cleave to his wife; and the two will become one flesh” (Genesis 2:24). It is precisely in this depth of Divine Providence for man that the essence of marriage lies. If a person understands how exalted he is by God (even called the king of creation), he also feels responsible when entering into marriage. Our tragedy is that we have ceased to understand how sacred the word given to another person is. But this word is the basis of marriage. Based on this word, the internal vows of fidelity, the priest crowns the newlyweds and puts rings on them. That is, it states that God blessed their free and conscious choice. It is this depth of marriage that eludes us now. Many people don’t even think about the fact that they need to say from the depths of their soul: “I love you and will always be faithful, I don’t need anyone else.” The Church is fighting to ensure that these deep relationships do not disappear from our lives completely, reminding people of the high ideal of marriage. It is clear that in such a relationship divorce is impossible. And if this ideal is abandoned, marital relations will be reduced to a minimum, which today is called civil marriage: without vows, without responsibilities, without the desire to procreate.

– Is it possible to forgive infidelity in marriage? After all, the Lord Himself allows divorce in the case of adultery.

– Yes, therefore, the one who catches his spouse in adultery has the right to divorce. But remember that when a woman who cheated on her husband is brought to Christ and they want to stone her, the Lord says: “He who is without sin among you, let him be the first to throw a stone at her” (John 8:7). And everyone left. The sin of adultery is our calling card. We live in unchaste times. It didn't start today. Fornication is one of the most serious sins; it includes all our other sins. But our nature is entirely sinful, and it is not for nothing that we read in the 50th Psalm: “My mother gave birth to me in sins.” And if a wife or husband is able to forgive betrayal, it is better to forgive. But not everyone feels strong enough to do this. Only the person himself can decide to forgive, continue to tolerate infidelity, or get divorced. We, priests, must accept any choice of a person who has not violated marital fidelity, and not insist on anything, much less incline towards divorce. If they get divorced because of infidelity, there is no sin on the injured party, but it is still a tragedy for both.

– It happens that during the fading of a relationship, one of the spouses begins to look with interest at other people of the opposite sex, but literally does not cheat. Nevertheless, the other half feels it and suffers.

“That’s why the Lord says: “...Everyone who looks at a woman with lust has already committed adultery with her in his heart” (Matthew 5:28). The human heart knows poorly what it gives itself to. Even if only platonically, the soul has already clung to another, united with him. And if a husband looks at another woman, his heart rejoices when he meets her, his wife feels it and suffers. At the same time, from the outside, all this may look decent. But for God it is not external piety that is important, but the state of our heart. Every person should be honest with himself and not engage in self-justification. In the case of platonic infatuation, one will begin to justify himself that since he is not physically cheating on his wife, then there is nothing reprehensible. But this is deceit. And the other admits his weakness and turns to God with a contrite heart: “Lord, I am a damned sinner, an adulterer in thoughts and feelings, I am unable to correct my heart, but You help me with Your grace, give me purity of heart.” And the Lord will certainly help!

In all areas of our life there are periods of formation, growth, and decline - it is also temporary, that is, it passes over time. In this world, where there is no finality, a person can experience decline in everything. And in family life... It’s not just that they say: gray hair in the beard means a devil in the ribs. Forty years is a dangerous age: youth is passing, honeymoon relationships are ending, you want something new. If a person understands this property of his nature, he will look deeper into his soul, try to reach a spiritual level of development, engage in creativity, and will not solve the problem in the simplest (and in fact dead-end) way and will not become despondent. A reasonable person must understand everything that happens to him. Just as there is renewal in nature, so there is in the human soul. Why do many people gravitate towards the Church in adulthood? Because violent sensuality is replaced by spiritual need, the maturation of the soul begins. Life at forty does not end, but begins, everything becomes more conscious, cleaner. Pure energy must be sublimated from the body to the soul, and from the soul to the spiritual. And the person is restored. I knew many people who lived with dignity, developed spiritually, and did not fall into despondency. And how beautiful they looked in old age! Just as autumn enchants poets, so a spiritual autumn sets in for a person: spiritual fruits strengthen the mind, faith is strengthened in the heart, and you can’t stop looking at a person - he’s so beautiful!

– Betrayal causes mental trauma to the other party. And, for example, alcoholic husbands threaten the physical health of their wives and children. Do we really have to endure it?

“Many women endure, hope, and encourage their spouses to go to church. But if a person does not take action, does not want to fight his passion, the other half has the right to divorce.

The Monk Seraphim of Sarov more than once healed people from serious illnesses: he anoints them with oil, blesses them, and the person leaves healthy. But when one young man asked him to save his father from drunkenness, the monk replied: saving a person from drunkenness is tantamount to pulling his soul out of hell. He went into a separate room, prayed for a long time, then some darkness covered his cell. The young man was frightened, and the Monk Seraphim came out and told him that he had begged God and his father would not drink. This is how much strength it cost the saint, who healed the sick without much external effort. Therefore, of course, a woman cannot be forced to maintain such a marriage. And if a person becomes completely insane, approaching a mental abnormality, just a little more - and the wife herself will end up in a mental hospital... When I see this, I explain to the woman that everything has long been trampled and rejected by the husband himself. But if a woman has the strength to endure, she hopes to beg her husband - I pray for both. But telling the wife of an alcoholic: “This is your cross, endure it to the end” is unacceptable.

Stages of relationships - what are they?

Psychologists consider marriage to be a living organism that goes through several stages in the process of development:

Falling in love is the most romantic time. Thanks to certain hormones produced in the body, lovers see the world in a bright light. At this stage, the partner seems wonderful in every way. This pleasant stage lasts until about two years, during which most couples get married.
Addiction. It occurs immediately after falling in love ends. Partners begin to behave more relaxed, not hiding their shortcomings. At this stage, a sober assessment of your other half is given.
Quarreling. Inevitable in any relationship. Divorces most often occur at this time. The partner’s shortcomings are clearly expressed; it seems that he is wrong in everything. At this stage, people wonder why they got married in the first place. here that anger taken out on your spouse is addressed to yourself . A person can no longer enjoy falling in love and euphoria; he does not understand where the bright colors have disappeared.
Cooperation. It comes after realizing that in order to continue a happy life it is necessary to maintain a household, pay utility bills and raise children. During this period, the relationship is similar to a business partnership.
If the couple has not given up and continues to support the union, the stage of respect for their half inevitably begins. The spouse becomes valuable only for his boundless patience. A person tries to thank his partner. The married couple becomes mature. Tenderness and care are revived, which will be the foundation of a strong relationship .
The stage of respect smoothly transitions into the stage of friendship. Spouses become as close as possible, trusting each other absolutely. At this stage, partners communicate heart to heart and easily exchange feelings and energies.
The stage of true love can only arise after all the periods have passed. For this feeling to arise, patience and wisdom are needed. At the last stage, you just need to enjoy happiness, the path to which was so long.

Sweet sparks of desire

They met at a friend's wedding and have not separated since then. Max charmed the flirtatious Maria with romance and perseverance. He could take off and return with a bouquet of field daisies and cornflowers. Arranged dates in unexpected places. And how sweet his signature “my Marusechka” sounded.

The girl, of course, chose him from a number of candidates for her hand and heart. She was aware of her attractiveness; more than one man’s heart had been broken by a categorical “no.”

Always fashionable, with a chiseled figure and a charming smile, she fluttered about in 13-centimeter heels, causing admiring glances from passers-by.

Shards of past moments

Those women are stupid who imagine that by conquering a man they have achieved final victory. And then they calm down, get fat, wither, sour and become unhappy. Jack London. Moon Valley

After 8 years of marriage, everything has changed. Not immediately, but gradually:

romance has dissipated;
passionate kisses on the lips were replaced by the usual “on the cheek”;
Sensual SMS turned into shopping lists for the store;
sincere conversations before bed - to discuss school problems and children’s grades.

Everything became boring and boring. Masha gained weight after two births; she had no time or energy left to take care of herself. Lace nighties were replaced by washed-out T-shirts, stiletto heels were replaced by comfortable sneakers. The stylish haircut turned into a bun tied at the back of the head. At some point, she lost touch with the woman inside herself and became a mother hen for her children and husband.

In shopping centers I ran to children's stores, but the women's departments did not arouse interest. I chose clothes in non-staining colors based on the principle of “comfortable and practical” for going to the grocery store and to the playground. She forgot the last time she was in a cafe, cinema or theater. And I didn’t want to - I could eat and watch a movie at home.

My husband didn’t even give me flowers for my last birthday. After work he usually eats and spends time at the computer until nightfall. Sometimes he stays late at work or disappears from friends. She suspects cheating. Sex on “big holidays”, just for show. He has noticeably moved away and perceives Maria as a sister or mommy.

Key to the secret garden

There are many particular reasons for the loss of desire, but there is one fundamental one, figuratively speaking, a violation of energy exchange between a man and a woman.

To put it simply: a woman inspires, a man creates and brings fruit to her feet. She loves him and admires his achievements, he is imbued with her feeling and pleasure and accomplishes new feats.

This is a basic mechanism that has been formed over hundreds of thousands of years. It still works for most couples today, despite the fact that real life is not at all like the fairy tale about love.

And modern man is guided by natural urges formed in ancient times.

From time immemorial, humanity has been haunted by the fear of starvation. And the man stood guard over the food of the woman and children. A piece of mammoth obtained by a man enveloped her entire being with extraordinary bliss and evoked a desire to belong to this brave miner.

Today, gentlemen conquer their ladies with the exquisite ambiance of a restaurant or cafe. Delicious food triggers a chain of pleasure and affection for a man and ignites attraction. Often a fancy dinner turns into a passionate evening. A man seems to feed on a woman’s pleasure, inhaling her pheromones of desire.

“Did you have a good time?” - asks timidly afterwards. He sees a woman’s sparkling eyes - and gratitude fills his soul with an even greater desire to move mountains for her.

Family crises and how to avoid them

Every married couple invariably faces problems. This mainly happens when a relationship moves from one stage to another.

The first crisis lies in the mutual irritation of the spouses . There is internal anxiety in the relationship. This could be irritation at a partner’s behavior or unfulfilled expectations. Overcoming this will take time, patience and a desire to develop the relationship.
The second crisis is the lack of trust in the couple . The result can be aggressive behavior of a man and secrecy of a woman. The more often the husband shows negative emotions, the more the woman withdraws into herself. The coldness from the other half again prompts the man to anger. A vicious circle is formed. To get out of the situation, a woman needs to be able to open up to her husband, asking her to listen if necessary.
During the next crisis, the man is stingy and petty . He feels that the woman is moving away, so he subconsciously does not want to invest money in her. At this stage, the wife may begin to deceive her husband in order to solve her financial issues. A vicious circle arises again.

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Important ! Every crisis needs to be understood and can be overcome through conversation and a calm showdown.

Problems that are very difficult to solve

Every family may encounter difficulties due to which mutual feelings gradually fade away. This is for example:

Lack of mutual understanding . Different points of view on the same issue are justified by fundamental differences at the physiological level. By understanding and accepting this fact, the problem can be solved. However, in practice, when asked about the reasons for divorce, a woman answers that her husband refuses to understand her.
The problem of housing , which consists in the family living with the spouse’s parents. If there are children in the family, the situation only gets worse. As a rule, a man remains in his usual territory, refusing to change his place of residence.
Lack of material well-being is a problem due to which any relationship can crack. As a rule, wanting to provide for her child, a woman reproaches her husband for his insolvency. Such words often act in the opposite way, conflicts occur more and more often.

Rules for happy family relationships

According to psychologists, for happiness in the family it is enough to follow a few rules:

Mutual respect should never be forgotten. You must always accept and take into account the position of your partner . Even during irritation, you should not utter offensive words, but you need to calm down and talk confidentially.
Thank each other for little things, like a cooked meal or a hammered nail. Any endeavors of a partner should be noticed and rewarded.
Being able to give in is an important rule for building family happiness. And this is not a show of weakness. A person who yields to another appears noble and strong.
You need to show feelings for your other half. Fleeting kisses or gentle touches firmly cement relationships. Much attention should be paid to intimate life. Sex brings spouses together, and its absence can weaken even a strong union .
Don't tell strangers about your secrets. Family life should remain intimate. No one should know about the achievements or missteps of a partner, especially in the sexual sphere.
Being able to forgive without accumulating resentment is the key to harmonious relationships. You can forgive your significant other almost anything.
When babies appear, a woman often stops paying attention to her husband. It must be remembered that relationships in the family should be smooth between each of its members. Also, don't treat one child better than another.

Bible

What advice regarding male behavior in the family can be extracted from the Bible? To be honest, the instructions are somewhat similar. What does the Bible say? How should a husband treat his wife?

Among the instructions are:

Manifestation of strength of character and at the same time tenderness towards his wife.
The woman you love must be constantly praised and admired. Then the girl will improve.
Be on equal terms. Family means equality. We need to give in to each other and help.
Don't criticize your wife. The woman who is next to the man is the choice of the head of the family. There is no need to criticize the weaker sex.
You should remember the importance of the “little things”.
Don't ignore a woman's need to be close to a man. The attention of your beloved should be given first.
Satisfy your wife’s needs and treat mood swings with understanding.

There is an old Russian proverb: “A good husband has a bad bird - a queen.” And the bad guy has a stupid figure.”

All of the above tips, if followed, will provide a woman with comfort, peace of mind and coziness. The girl will happily satisfy her husband's wishes. Therefore, it is important to understand that harmony in the family depends not only on wives. If a man behaves with dignity, then there will be a corresponding couple next to him!