Death is one of the most terrible and mysterious aspects of human life. The death of a loved one is threefold scary, since it is unclear and unknown how one can influence this mysterious phenomenon. Therefore, people try to camouflage death with all sorts of rituals, customs and signs that seem to be aimed at helping the soul of the deceased, but in fact harm him and his loved ones. We’ll talk about how to relate to death and “correctly” experience the death of a loved one, based on the centuries-old experience of our ancestors, in this article.
Wedding and funeral
Since the times of Ancient Rus', two seemingly different rites, such as a wedding and a funeral, have something in common: both there and there mourn a person. At the center of the Russian wedding ceremony is the rethinking of Christian ideas and mythical ideas of man about the structure of the world, in particular the idea of the dying of the soul of a girl who is going to another life - to get married. After the agreement, the bride was obliged to mourn her fate and say goodbye to the “white world”, wear mourning clothes, a scarf on her head, and not leave the courtyard. Her tears simultaneously symbolized her gratitude to her parents for everything they had done for her and her farewell to them. According to ancient belief, the more the bride cries, the happier and more joyful her life with her husband will be.
How to live if your children and your future are no longer there?
Unbearable pain, melancholy, despair - these are the feelings that a parent experiences when they lose a child.
Feeling guilty because I didn’t save, couldn’t help in time, didn’t prevent the tragedy.
Anger at the one who is to blame, at the one who survived. To fate. On God, who allowed all this.
It’s also difficult to look at other children. Because they are alive, they make their parents happy. But my children are nowhere in this world. In addition to photographs, videos and memories.
Memories are all that remain. Memories without hope for the future.
After the death of a child, life seems to fall apart. And it is not clear how to collect these pieces. And how to start living again. And the most important thing that is not clear is why to live.
If such a tragedy has occurred in your life or in the lives of someone you know, please read this article to the end. We will try to help you cope with the death of your child. System-vector psychology helps to cope with severe conditions and find the lost meaning of life.
Tears and crying for the deceased
The funeral ritual also has some mysterious mythical meaning. Tears and crying in the traditions of many peoples symbolize not only the natural expression of pain, grief, suffering, but also carry a form of ritual behavior. Previously, specially hired mourners were invited to the funeral; mourning the deceased, they ask him for forgiveness on behalf of all those present. An unmourned dead person will not be forgiven, which means he will suffer in the next world.
In “The Tale of Peter and Fevronia of Murom,” Fevronia, when asked by Peter, where are your parents, replies: “...my father and my mother went on loan to cry - they went to the funeral and mourned the deceased there. And when death comes for them, others will mourn them: this is crying on loan.” Cry
was also a way of communicating with deceased ancestors and asking them to accept a new member into the afterlife. Another funeral lament is a kind of appeal to the deceased with a request to convey greetings to relatives in the next world.
Tears before the coffin
- this is the same as in a wedding ceremony, a sign of gratitude to the deceased for being close to loved ones for many years. Nowadays, people turn to God less often, only in the most difficult moments of life and at the time of the death of their neighbor. If God is nevertheless remembered, God's plan regarding death should be deeply understood. No wonder they say: “God gave, God took.” From the Orthodox point of view, death is falling asleep, “dormition”, hence the term “deceased”, that is, death is a transition to another, eternal life. The human body is the “temple of God”: “Don’t you know that you are the temple of God, and the Spirit of God lives in you?” (1 Cor. 3:16). Caring for the body of the deceased is associated with the main Christian postulate of the Resurrection. The cemetery is also called a “graveyard,” meaning that the dead came here only to stay. Funeral lamentation is understood as helping the deceased to atone for all sins on earth and go to the Eternal Kingdom to be resurrected.
It's not scary to die, it's scary to disappear without a trace
All our children
The basic law of psychology: in order to reduce the pain of one’s own suffering, one must help another. System-vector psychology of Yuri Burlan reveals the meaning of the concept in a new way: for the world there are no children of our own or others. For the world, “all children are ours.”
Perhaps these words will sound a little harsh: but if your own children are gone, does this mean that no one else needs your help? Does this mean that there are no other children or adults who need your help?
After all, we love our children and take care of them not because we expect gratitude from them. We are doing this for their future, for future generations. The flow of love directed into the future cannot be stopped. The care that your children can no longer receive must be directed to others, otherwise love will turn into frozen stone and kill you.
And somewhere another child will die without love.
Only transferring your love for a departed child to others can help you survive the death of a child and turn black melancholy into light sadness, when the memory of him does not paralyze or numb, but gives energy and strength.
Advice from a psychologist on how to cope with the death of a loved one
Tomsk psychologist Elena Melnikova believes that today the loss of a loved one is experienced differently than in the old days due to a lack of faith in God. People kill themselves for a long time and regard death as an irreparable catastrophe, while they should treat this phenomenon spiritually.
– I myself recently buried my mother, she died very calmly, many people dream of such a death... They say that as a person lived easily, so he died, and I rethought the meaning of death. We are Russian people, Slavs, the blood of distant deceased ancestors flows in us, our genetic memory is strong, and ideas about death must correspond precisely to the national tradition. In Rus', children from an early age attended funerals, being brought up on faith in God, on understanding death as an integral part of life.
Today, unfortunately, Russian people are focused on the alien traditions of the West, where the negative impact of the sight of a dead person on the child’s psyche is promoted, and death is correlated with a natural disaster. And a person does not know what death is, he drives away thoughts of it as something alien, but in reality, sooner or later he faces it and realizes that he is completely unprepared.
In fact, death must be accepted as a given. We are used to proceeding from selfish considerations - “this is mine”, so many people withdraw into themselves, absolutely not understanding that all our lives we lose something, and gain something, go through the necessary tests and become stronger. It is the tempered strength of spirit that allows you to calmly cope with upcoming difficulties.
People who have lost a loved one begin to feel sorry for themselves, how will they live without the person who left them untimely, sometimes they even blame him for the death. The problem arises from attachment and even dependence on the departed person. We cannot part with it, we cannot even give it to God, because there is no faith and biblical understanding that nothing is yours on earth, everything is given and taken away according to the will of God. Some cannot let go of the deceased for many years, focusing on death, while they need to think about their future life. The deceased cannot be brought back, and you can only help him with blessings, prayer and good deeds on earth as a sign of his memory.
There is such a Christian belief that if a person passes away, it means that he fulfilled his purpose on earth and prepared for the transition to eternal life. According to church traditions, death should be perceived not as the end, but as a continuation of the soul in another guise and dimension. If a person does not have faith in eternity, but has ignorance, then a panicky fear of death arises, so many try to buy off it by inventing their own rituals and traditions, which, in fact, are not needed by the deceased. I remember at the funeral service the priest said that the deceased no longer needs the things of the material world, he will not be able to take them into another life, all he needs is for his close people to forgive him and, supporting him with prayer, help him go through the last stage, which lasts forty days, answer to God and confess earthly sins. The tradition of placing things dear to the deceased in the coffin is very far from the Orthodox, they come from paganism.
Forty days, maximum six months, is the period when loved ones can grieve the loss. If this period drags on, it means the person has fallen into deep depression. It’s not for nothing that despondency is considered a mortal sin; you need to live and believe in a better life, go to church, confess, do something, don’t sit still. Getting out of depression is an action, so you need to do something good for the deceased: pray for him, help those in need. If you are tormented by a strong feeling of guilt, the feeling that you didn’t have time to do something for the deceased, you need to do it for someone else, even a stranger, then the deceased will feel good and your soul will be cleansed. Giving joy despite sorrow is God’s plan.
Avicenna on the causes of disease and the inevitability of death
The most important thing is not to isolate yourself!
It is almost impossible to survive the death of a child alone!
Grief separates a person from the whole world. It's hard to look at other people. It seems that no one can understand: they didn’t lose their children! But the worst thing you can do is close yourself off from everything and isolate yourself in your grief. After the loss of a child, parents have a huge void in their souls that was previously filled by the child. It becomes unclear what to do with your free time, who to take care of, who to worry about. It seems like this emptiness will never be filled.
But that's not true.
Man is not created to live alone. All the good and all the bad that we have, we get from other people. Therefore, to begin with, do not refuse the help of other people, do not hesitate to ask friends to stay nearby, or try to find the strength to leave the house.
When a person experiences grief such as the death of a child, it seems to him that his suffering is unbearable. But look around: has the suffering of other people stopped? Have other people's children stopped dying?
Funeral rite
Recently I myself witnessed a funeral service for a deceased person in a church. I was struck by the words of Priest Peter: “For forty days the soul wanders the earth, answering to God, turning to the souls of loved ones with a request for forgiveness, your task is to help the soul find peace, forgive and accept its concept of eternal life.”
But many people do not know how to prepare a deceased person for the transition to another life. Realizing that the soul is immortal, and at the second coming of Christ the bodies of the dead will be resurrected, uniting with souls, the body is carefully prepared for burial: washed, dressed in new clean clothes and covered with a white shroud. Before placing the body in the coffin, it is sprinkled with holy water. A pillow stuffed with sawdust or straw is placed under the head of the deceased; the hands should be folded crosswise, the right hand on top, the left hand on the bottom, hands and feet should be tied (untied just before burial). A pectoral cross must be placed on the neck of the deceased, a funeral cross is given in the hands, and an icon is placed on the chest - the image of the Savior (for a man) or the image of the Mother of God (for a woman). A crown is placed on the forehead of the deceased - a symbol of the crown, faith and accomplishment of life’s feat. The concept of “incorruptible crown” is a symbol of hope for the Resurrection.
If the coffin is at home, it is located in the middle of the room with the head towards the icons and feet towards the door. There is a misconception that it is necessary to cover mirrors in the house for forty days after death so that the soul does not see itself in them. According to Priest Peter, these are inventions that do not correspond to the traditions of the church. There is no need to cover mirrors and TV screens. Just like it is unnecessary to keep a glass of vodka or water in the house with a piece of bread on top, since the soul of the deceased no longer needs physical food.
A bitter but important lesson for the future
In Orthodoxy, the name of such a righteous man as Job is known. There were sad incidents in his life that today can be an example for us of how to survive the death of a loved one. Job had children, a wife, wealth, but the moment came when he gradually began to lose everything. He was left without money. His children died and he himself developed leprosy. Job had to come to terms with his position and condition. He constantly repeated: “God gave, God took.” For all the suffering and patience he endured, the Almighty eventually rewarded the man, again granting him health, wealth and children.
One conclusion can be drawn from this story: Orthodoxy teaches people to overcome longing for a deceased loved one, to become stronger and more resilient. It is also worth understanding that from birth, life teaches you to part, starting with your favorite toys and ending with people. There is nothing eternal in this world. Each person appears to fulfill a specific mission. When he completes it, he leaves this world. The task of people who love the deceased is to survive the death of a loved one, accept fate as it is, live on and fulfill their mission.
Funeral service and burial
Burial
will take place on the third day after death.
If a person has been baptized, then the funeral service will be performed by a clergyman. The funeral service
helps the deceased to free himself from sins that he did not have time to confess. If a person was an atheist, a suicide or an unbeliever, there is no point in holding a funeral service. During the funeral service, everyone present must pray. The soul leaves the body on the third day and begins to suffer from its own imperfections, so loved ones must pray diligently to help it pass the final tests. Only artificial flowers are placed in the coffin of the deceased; real flowers will wither in the same way as the body of the deceased withers. No things of the material world are placed in the coffin of the deceased, since in the next world the soul will no longer need them.
Prayer at the funeral service
has magical powers, those present need to listen and comprehend the words of the chants. Participation in the funeral service for the deceased will allow those saying goodbye to stop for a moment, turn inside themselves and think about their existence on earth, what awaits us beyond the line of death and whether earthly life is sinless. During the funeral service, close relatives hold lit church candles in their hands, which will then need to be lit again on the grave before burial, and subsequently thrown into the grave along with the earth, leaving only three for the wake on the day of death, nine and forty days. At the end of the ceremony, the priest gives the relatives burial soil, which will need to be sprinkled crosswise on the body of the deceased before lowering it into the grave. The burial ground testifies to the fact that we were created from the ground and will return to the ground.
After the funeral service, the coffin of the deceased is closed with a lid, which is opened for the last time before burial. According to church rules, the coffin is carried out feet first and carried by close relatives or friends. At the cemetery, the last farewell to the deceased takes place, relatives and friends kiss him on the forehead, thereby asking for forgiveness. After untying the arms and legs, the body is sprinkled crosswise with burial soil, the lid of the coffin is nailed down (after this it is no longer possible to open the lid), and it is lowered into the ground. After which, first the relatives, and then everyone present, throw a handful of earth on the coffin.
This ritual has pedagogical significance, symbolizing the frailty of existence and reminding the living of their awaiting fate. After the coffin is buried, a tombstone cross
so that the face of the deceased is turned towards him. You cannot invite a brass band to the funeral of an Orthodox Christian, and you cannot bury him on the day of Holy Easter and on the day of the Nativity of Christ. The clothing of those present should be strict, dark if possible; it performs an educational, spiritual, and protection from sins function. Formal clothing presupposes organized, strict behavior, which is necessary for prayer.
Immediately after the death of a loved one (before the funeral service and burial), relatives should order Sorokoust from the church - a memorial prayer that is read for forty days and serves as a cleanser for the soul of the deceased. It is customary to organize a wake on the day of the funeral, on the ninth and fortieth day after death. It should be remembered that a wake is, first of all, a commemoration, that is, a prayer. Alcoholic drinks are inappropriate at the funeral table; according to Orthodox tradition, kutia, a sweet rice dish, must be on the table. Cereals are a symbol of rebirth, and sweet raisins are sweetness and joy in eternal life. A prayer must be read over the kutya; the rest of the meal takes place in a free form.
Today, when interest in folk spiritual traditions is being revived, it is important to get acquainted with the ritual culture from the inside, based on the foundations of the Orthodox Church. But most importantly, in order to help the soul of the deceased, we ourselves must come to God: keep the commandments, admit our sins, do good deeds. It is also important to preserve the good memory of the deceased person and pass it on to subsequent generations by talking about the deeds of the ancestor, visiting and caring for his grave. According to Orthodox beliefs, the departed souls of even our most distant ancestors help us from the other world and guide us through life, illuminating the path.
Author Yulia Savelyeva
Learn to get rid of pain
It is impossible to cure pain. But curbing it, dulling it, learning to distract yourself is quite possible. All methods are good here:
Author's advice. The death of a child almost always causes parents to suffer from feelings of guilt. They think that they could prevent the tragedy, somehow influence the course of history. It is very important to get rid of this feeling. How it would have been, no one can know. Any mother or father would give anything for the child to live. But the past cannot be returned. It's important to come to terms with this.
When to contact a specialist for help
When you cannot come to terms with the loss of a loved one, grief becomes pathological. Long-term depression requires psychological help. It is recommended to contact a specialist in the following cases:
- if the mourning period lasts six months, maximum 1 year;
- tormented by despair, thoughts constantly arise about the hopelessness of situations;
- I don’t want to put up with the fact that a relative or friend is no longer there;
- thoughts of suicide appear;
- body weight decreases quickly;
- thinking and physical reactions become inhibited;
- the ability to perform basic everyday tasks is lost.
Visiting church
You can get rid of negative thoughts and reduce your pain by attending church. There you should light a candle after the funeral and pray for your deceased loved one. Prayer binds divided souls.
Relief comes from talking with a priest. People who don't believe in God have everything mixed up in their heads. They believe that earth is their home and that they are forever separated from their deceased loved ones due to their passing away. The priest in the church can explain that home is where God is. The earth is just a place where all people come to stay and change their spiritual qualities.
Another mistake people make is that they cannot let go of their loved ones after their death and funeral. The reason is attachment to everything physical. As an example, we can take a child who has lost his mother. The baby lacks physical intimacy. At times he wants to cuddle up to his mother, to feel her care and love. Adults who have lost loved ones also have such desires. At such moments, it is important to remember that the human soul is immortal, and the body is just a temporary earthly shell.
