We live in a time when almost everything seems to be permitted. Today, many people choose to become sexually active before marriage, although most religions condemn sexual relations before marriage.
If you are not influenced by a particular faith and have neutral views on intimacy before marriage, then you may be interested in knowing the reasons why some people remain virgin to the passport stamp, while others have sex freely.
Reasons for entering into intimate relationships before marriage
More and more people in the modern world begin to be sexually active long before marriage. The main reasons are:
- Contraception
The widespread use of various contraceptives has led to the fact that sexual partners are no longer as afraid of unwanted pregnancy as previous generations. Birth control pills played a key role in this. Since women are in control of the entire process, the level of anxiety has decreased significantly.
- Lack of supervision
Working parents have less and less time to look after their children. This allows teenagers to have intimacy early. In addition, most school graduates enter higher education institutions in other cities. Student life, as we know, is quite fun and active. Sexual expression is encouraged here.
- Late marriage
Modern women and men are in no hurry to walk down the aisle. Now the average age of first marriage for a girl is 25 years old, for a guy – 28 years old. Considering the fact that puberty occurs on average from 11-16 years of age, the interval between reaching reproductive age and getting married is approximately 10 years, or even more. Let's face it: 10 years is a long enough time during which complete abstinence is unlikely.
- Career
More and more people dream of first building a career, becoming financially independent and only then starting a family. They spend years getting an education and looking for work. That is, the number of young men and women who have never been married is growing. Many of them are sexually active.
- Open relationship
The large number of sexually active unmarried women means that men don't necessarily need to get married to have sex regularly. A man who has the opportunity to sleep with a variety of attractive ladies without any long-term commitment is less likely to want to tie the knot early.
What problems can cohabitation solve?
From a practical point of view, living together before committing to marriage helps to better understand your partner and his personality. Namely:
- You understand if a person has any problems with cleanliness or hygiene. Perhaps he/she is a slob;
- Or, on the contrary, he has an obsessive desire for constant cleaning;
- Does he/she have a sleep disorder or snores during sleep;
- How he/she manages money;
- You will better know the life values and priorities of your future spouse;
- You understand whether he/she has emotional problems that interfere with communication and building successful relationships;
- You understand what bad habits each of you has or chronic diseases.
Pros of intimacy before marriage2
It seems that the main reasons for starting sexual activity before marriage have been sorted out. Now let's look at all the pros and cons of sex before marriage.
The advantages of physical intimacy before marriage are:
- Sexual identity
In the complete absence of sex life, a person cannot explore his sexual side and establish what his sexual identification is. Some people don't even realize they are gay until they have sex and discover that they are not at all attracted to the opposite sex. That's why it's important to understand yourself before marriage!
- Sexual compatibility
Physical attraction to a partner plays an important role. At first you are madly attracted to the object of your affection, and then suddenly, when you become physically close, you no longer feel anything. Most likely, you are simply incompatible. And no matter how sad it may sound, this problem occurs much more often than you think.
By entering into an intimate relationship with a partner before marriage, you get the opportunity to evaluate the future prospects of your relationship. Once you know your sexual compatibility, you can decide whether you should start a family with this person.
Yes, marriage is not built on sex alone. But hardly anyone will argue that physical intimacy is an integral part of a healthy and strong relationship. If a couple shirks their marital duty due to lack of sexual desire, a chasm develops between them over time, which can lead to a breakdown in the relationship. To avoid such problems, it is important to determine your sexual compatibility before marriage.
- Identifying sexual problems
Even though partners have a good sex drive, some problems may still arise during sex. Some of them resolve quickly, others take a little time and effort, and others can be permanent. It’s better to figure this out before marriage, so as not to waste your family life later searching for solutions. In addition, for some people, problems with their partner sexually may be a good reason not to put a stamp in their passport.
Does the Church consider physical intimacy a sin?
In the context of marriage, no. From the point of view of Scripture and the Christian tradition, physical intimacy between spouses is part of God’s good plan. The biblical book “Song of Songs” glorifies marriage in the most vivid terms, and although we have the right to seek an allegorical interpretation for it, it does not eliminate its direct meaning - the jubilant and completely physical joy of the spouses about each other. As the Book of Proverbs says, “Thy Fountain be blessed; and take comfort in the wife of your youth, in the dear hind and in the beautiful brimstone; let her breasts make you drunken at all times; delight in her love continually” (Prov. 5:18,19). As the Apostle Paul says, “The husband show due consideration to his wife; likewise is a wife to her husband. The wife has no power over her body, but the husband does; Likewise, the husband has no power over his body, but the wife does. Do not depart from one another, except by consent, for a time, to practice fasting and prayer, and [then] be together again, so that Satan does not tempt you through your intemperance” (1 Cor 7:3-5).
From the very beginning, the Church had to deal with hyper-ascetic false teachings that rejected marriage and physical intimacy as something that hindered salvation, and the Church condemned them.
As stated in the “Fundamentals of the Social Concept of the Russian Orthodox Church,” “Highly appreciating the feat of voluntary chaste celibacy accepted for the sake of Christ and the Gospel, and recognizing the special role of monasticism in its history and modern life, the Church has never treated marriage with disdain and condemned those who out of a falsely understood desire for purity, he disparaged marriage relations.
The Apostle Paul, who personally chose virginity for himself and called to imitate him in this (1 Cor 7:8), nevertheless condemns “the hypocrisy of false talkers, who are seared in their conscience, forbidding marriage” (1 Tim 4:2-3). The 51st Apostolic Canon says: “If anyone... withdraws from marriage... not for the sake of the feat of abstinence, but because of abomination, forgetting... that God, in creating man, created them husband and wife, and thus, blaspheming, slanderes the creation, - either he will correct himself, or he will be expelled from the sacred rank and rejected from the Church.” It is developed by the 1st, 9th and 10th rules of the Gangra Council: “If anyone condemns marriage and abhors a faithful and pious wife who has intercourse with her husband, or condemns her as unable to enter the Kingdom [of God], let it be under oath. If anyone is a virgin or abstains, moving away from marriage as one who abhors it, and not for the sake of the beauty and holiness of virginity itself, let him be under an oath. If any of those who are virgins for the sake of the Lord exalt themselves over those who are married, let him be under an oath.” The Holy Synod of the Russian Orthodox Church, in a resolution dated December 28, 1998, referring to these rules, pointed out the “inadmissibility of a negative or arrogant attitude towards marriage.”
The benefits of abstaining from intimacy before marriage3
Many people consciously preserve their virginity until marriage, not only for religious reasons. Other reasons for this are:
- Building Strong Relationships
Getting intimate before the couple has gotten to know each other well can lead to serious problems. After all, all attention will most likely be focused on sexual attraction, and not on building a love relationship.
At best, this situation will only lead to a delay in the process of establishing a connection between two people; at worst, when sexual attraction subsides a little, the couple will understand that they do not want to be together.
- Harmony in relationships
If the only thing that keeps people close is sexual chemistry, then it will not be possible to achieve harmony in such a relationship. Over time, partners will begin to increase uncertainty about the correctness of the decision or dissatisfaction with their choice. This in turn leads to jealousy, arrogance and doubt.
- Confidence in relationships
Marriage implies the union of two loving hearts. Sometimes it takes a long time to really find the person you want to spend the rest of your life with. And sometimes you have to go through more than one breakup before you meet your soul mate.
If you are intimate with each partner without falling in love or a feeling of attachment, then a subsequent breakup with him can seriously hit your self-esteem. You may have thoughts that you were simply taken advantage of, or that you are not good enough in bed. All this can be avoided if you maintain your virginity until the wedding, since the spouses will be confident in their feelings, and their relationship is not built on only one carnal factor.
Message from the Editor
Our team tries to select only the most unique information for you. We analyze each topic literally down to the smallest detail - all in order to systematically answer pressing questions. Tell me another fact that clearly illustrates that men and women are from different planets? Scientists have proven that to lift a woman's mood, you need to hug her for about 30 seconds. During this period of time, the negative feelings inside her subside. Representatives of the stronger sex, on the contrary, try to avoid tactile contact during times of stress and negative emotions - this irritates them very much. Use this secret!
Cleanliness in motion
A Christian who is serious in his faith requires the development of mature character. But it doesn't stop there. The goal of purity is action: loving God, others, yourself with God's love. Peter says that “by obedience to the truth through the Spirit, having purified your souls to unfeigned brotherly love, continually love one another with a pure heart” (1 Peter 1:22).
And James declares that pure religion is caring for orphans and widows (1:27). But no matter what ministry we are called to—caring for widows and orphans, fighting sexual slavery, protecting the environment, running a business, preaching against abortion, or raising godly children—everything we do must be fueled by a spiritual well (see John 7:38 ).
Of course, Christians should avoid sexual sins. But purity is much more than that. Purity before God is when everything we do becomes an act of worship to Him.
A final note of hope
In such an important issue, of course, the awareness of both partners and their readiness to build an adult life is important. Although many studies show that the idea of being together before marriage is not a good idea, there are still people who achieve success. Therefore, if you are ready to take on this burden and face the problems that may arise during cohabitation, then no one has the right to stop you. But always remember the consequences that may arise if you do not take this matter seriously.
Acquaintance
So, the choice of companion is entirely up to you. Don’t believe in fairy tales about a sudden spark and an ever-prompting heart. Love, but first of all with your head!
Remember that after half an hour of communication you should understand how the relationship with a particular man will develop. This is not fortune-telling, but your personal assessment and your choice.
What will help you when meeting?
- Smile
- Flirting
- Smooth posture
- Self confidence
I discuss each of these points in detail in my training “Mom won’t teach you this.” I teach girls how to flirt, talk, and look at a man correctly. Every detail is important!
Don't reveal all your trump cards at once. Let the man compete for your attention. The problem with some young ladies is that they easily agree to all the gentleman’s proposals: without any questions, they give a phone number or accept an invitation to meet at a time convenient for him. How will a relationship with a man develop in this situation? It's very simple: he will quickly lose interest in you.
Dating
A very important stage. Within a couple of dates, you should create a real portrait of your chosen one. I describe in detail what to pay attention to in the article “How to choose the right man.”
What do you need to find out?
- Who is his family: parents, relatives.
- The state of his health: bad habits, lifestyle, nutrition.
- How hardworking he is.
- Can he keep his word?
- Are you confident and how self-sufficient are you?
- His attitude towards people. A small note: how he treats the world is how he will treat you.
- What are his goals in life? Are you ready to serve them?
Keep track of your rating
So, you understand that this is a worthy, successful person. It's time to ask yourself the question: “Do I live up to my prince?” After all, how will a relationship with a man develop if you yourself are not confident in yourself or have bad habits? Most likely, he will choose another girl.
So work more actively on your marriage rating. Let me remind you of its types: physical, intellectual, spiritual. I talk more about this in my article “What are your chances of getting married or staying in your current marriage.”
Leave on time
On a date, carefully monitor the gestures and gaze of your interlocutor. If you notice shifting eyes or a closed posture, he’s definitely messing with your ears. Confidently say “no” to such people. Of course, without rudeness or insults.
You should also be wary of his phrases: “Times are difficult now,” “There are no good jobs in our city,” “It’s all due to circumstances.” I think you understand how a relationship with a man will develop in this case? Instead of achieving something, he will while away his evenings watching TV and cursing the authorities. And then it will sit safely on your neck.
Have you painted this picture in your head? Did not like? Then politely say goodbye to your companion and leave. I give even more tips on this topic in the section “Secrets of dating and first dates”
Relationships are not developing: what to do?
Please do not despair, my beautiful ones. Do not go to extremes, do not run to fortune tellers and astrologers. Even if they give you a clear plan for how a relationship with a Virgo or Capricorn man will develop, it is a waste of time and money.
Have you tried all the methods but are still content with a slow-burning romance? Think about what you did wrong. Perhaps somewhere they went too far with the flirting. The man misunderstood your motives and perceived the relationship as non-binding.
Decide if you need this uncertainty. If you are confident in yourself and do not want to waste your time on this kind of affair, take a look around. Meet other men, choose the best one.
