Elder Paisiy Svyatogorets “Family Life” Part 1
Elder Paisiy Svyatogorets
Part 1 Ch. 2. About how patience saves a family from falling apart
How is your sister? Does she get along with her husband? Geronda, I hear rumors that not everything is going smoothly for them. But she endures, and when necessary, she pulls the load on herself. That's how it happens. If a pair of bulls are harnessed to the same yoke and one of them is weak or lazy, then the other animal pushes with greater force and in some way drags and carries the first one along with it. You see how: worldly people are busy working on themselves. And you are like princesses here anyway! Just imagine a mother who has four children: one child is mentally retarded, another is mentally ill, the third suffers from thalassemia, the fourth wanders around at night in an unknown place, the unfortunate woman also suffers with her husband, how much does she have to endure! So much so that you can even scream, so much so that you won’t tell anyone about your pain, because some things that happen in the family cannot be told outside the threshold of the house. For example, her husband can live a completely isolated life, and not pay any attention to her, the unfortunate woman does not even have money to pay for housing, they want to evict her from the house. She is forced to look for work, be exposed to various dangers and ask you: “Pray so that at least I can get rid of these dangers!”
Or her husband drinks, doesn’t work, and she is forced to work herself, for example, washing stairs in high-rise buildings. And the husband goes to taverns, returns home drunk after midnight, beats her, demands money from her, or even goes to her boss and takes what she has earned. Oh, what a torment this is! For some women, everything is clear - they have some sins and, suffering in this way, they pay for them. But there are others who do not have such sins. These latter will have a pure reward for the suffering they endure.
I know one mother. As a child she was like an angel! The kindest soul, the quietest child in the family. And what a terrible brawler it was! How her relatives were deceived! She married a drunkard who, even as a child, was a notorious mischief-maker. His father drank, and he also picked up this bad habit. And now the unfortunate woman walks hunched over other people’s houses, kills herself at work, and her husband beats her and threatens her with a knife. How many times did he shout: “I will stab you!” And she’s afraid that he might actually kill her! She is going through real pain! But she has four children. The relatives of this unfortunate woman went so far as to advise her to get a divorce, but she answered them: “I think I’ll have to wait a little longer.” And he endures. Do you understand this? This woman has not read either the Patericon or the Lives of the Saints, and yet she endures! “Okay,” I told her one day. “What about your guys? They look at all this and don’t interfere?” “They are still fifteen or sixteen years old,” she answered. “Let them serve in the army first, and when they return, they’ll shorten their father a little!” That is, until they serve in the army, she will have to endure beatings!
Patience fills a person with Divine Grace Geronda, how to behave with a person when he is irritated and nervous? With patience. What if I don't have it? I need to go buy it! Sold in supermarkets!.. Look: if a person is seething with anger, no matter what you tell him, there will be no use. At such a moment, it is better to shut up and say the Jesus Prayer. Through prayer he will calm down, calm down, and then you can come to an understanding with him. Look, fishermen don’t go out to fish if the sea is rough. They wait patiently until the weather improves.
Geronda, what explains people’s impatience? It is explained by the fact that they have a lot of... peace inside them! God made people's salvation dependent on their patience. “He who endures to the end will be saved,” says the Gospel. God gives people difficulties and various trials so that they become more proficient in patience.
Patience begins with love. In order for you to tolerate a person, you must feel pain for him. Patience saves a family from destruction. I have seen wild animals become lambs. If you trust God, then all problems are resolved smoothly and spiritually. Once, while living in the Stomion monastery, I met a woman in Konitsa whose face was shining. She was the mother of five children. Then I remembered her. Her husband was a carpenter and often worked with my foreman. If the customers made some trifling remark to this person, for example: “Master Janis, maybe we can do it like this?” - then he seemed to have broken free. “Are you going to teach me?!” - he shouted, broke his tools, threw them into the corner and left. Now can you imagine what he did in his own house, if he destroyed everything in other people’s houses too! It was impossible to spend a single day with this man, and his wife lived with him for years. Every day she experienced torment, but she treated everything with great kindness and covered everything with patience. I knew what was going on in their house, so when I met her, I asked: “How is Mr. Janis? Works?" “Uh,” she answered. “When he’s working, and when he’s sitting down for a little while!” - “How is your life?” - I asked again. “Very good, father!” - she answered. And she said it from the heart. She did not take into account the fact that her husband broke his tools, and expensive ones! - so the poor thing was forced to take work in other people's houses in order to earn their living. You see with what patience, with what kindness and nobility she treated everything! She didn't even blame him at all! Therefore, God filled her with Grace, and her face shone. She was able to raise five children, raised them, and all five turned out to be very good people.
Geronda, how did she manage to justify her husband? With good intentions. “This is my husband,” she thought. - Well, let him scold me a little. Maybe, if I were in his place, I would behave in the same way.” This woman applied the Gospel to her life, and therefore God sent down His Divine Grace to her. And if worldly people endure and are filled with Grace, then how much more should we, monks, who have every opportunity for spiritual life, endure!
As far as I understand, the biggest scandals - and not only in families, but also in the life of states - arise from insignificant things . In a family, one spouse must humble himself before the other; he must not only imitate his virtues, but also tolerate his quirks. It is very helpful to think about what is happening in this way to think that Christ sacrificed Himself for our sins and that He, being Sinless, tolerates us all - billions of people - while we, tormented by the whims of others, pay off debts for our own sins. The good God arranged everything so that, having a gift, a person would help another, and having a deficiency, he would humble himself before him. After all, everyone has their own talents. However, everyone also has shortcomings, and we must strive to cut them off.
I gave one person a good beating! You should have seen how much obedience his wife shows him, despite the fact that she is endowed with many abilities and gifts. Next to her, he is like a small child. And this woman, showing obedience to her husband, constantly accepts Divine Grace, puts it aside for her spiritual account, while her husband, with his egoism, constantly drives away Divine Grace from himself and becomes more and more empty. And who will ultimately win? You see: the whole secret is humility. It contains all the basics. Obedience, humility. But if this person admitted his weakness and asked for help from God, then Divine Grace would also come to him.
Faithful wife Geronda, one woman asks me for advice on what to do. Her husband left her, took the child and contacted two other women. Tell her to be patient, pray, and be kind to him as much as possible. Let her wait and not dissolve the marriage herself. One man treated his wife with contempt, beat her, insulted her, and she treated all this with patience and kindness until she died at a relatively young age. When, several years after her death, her remains were removed from the grave, everyone felt a fragrance. Those who were present were surprised. You see: in this life this woman treated everything with patience and therefore she was justified in another life.
There was another similar case. The young man, who lived a worldly life, began to develop feelings for a girl who lived a spiritual life. In order for the girl to reciprocate his feelings, he also tried to lead a spiritual life and go to church. They merried. But years passed, and he returned to his former worldly life. They already had grown-ups - the eldest was studying at the university, one daughter was in a lyceum, the other was in a gymnasium. But, despite everything, this man continued to live dissolutely. He earned a lot of money, but spent almost all of it on his depraved life. The frugality of the unfortunate wife kept their household from collapse, and with her advice she helped the children stay on the right path. She did not condemn her father, so that the children would not begin to dislike him and would not receive mental trauma, and also so that they would not be carried away by the lifestyle that he led. When her husband came home late at night, it was relatively easy for her to justify him to the children: she said that he had a lot of work. But what could she say when he showed up at the house with his mistress in broad daylight? Do you know what this man who did not fear God did? Although he wasn't worth calling him a human because he had no humanity at all. He called his wife and ordered various dishes, and in the afternoon he came to dine with one of his mistresses. The unfortunate mother, wanting to protect her children from bad thoughts, received them cordially. She presented the matter in such a way that her husband’s mistress was supposedly her friend and the husband stopped by the “friend’s” house to bring her to visit them by car. She sent the children to other rooms to learn their lessons so that they would not see some indecent scene, because her husband, not paying attention to the children, allowed himself to be obscene even in front of them. This was repeated day after day. Every now and then he came with a new mistress. It got to the point that the children began to ask her: “Mom, how many friends do you have?” - “Oh, these are just old acquaintances!” - she answered. And besides, her husband treated her like a servant, and even worse. He treated her very cruelly and inhumanely. Just think about how this woman served two cattle every day, who covered her house with dishonor, and constantly instilled good thoughts in her children! And she couldn’t expect that this trouble would ever end so that she could say to herself: “I’ll endure a little longer,” and be consoled by this. This nightmare continued for several years. However, since this accursed man gave the devil many rights over himself, he began to accept terrible demonic influences. He started acting crazy, losing control of himself, blaming everyone and everything. And then one day, intoxicated by the intoxication of carnal passion, he raced in a car and fell into the abyss. The car crashed into pieces, and he himself received very serious injuries. He was taken to the hospital, and the doctors, having done what they could, sent him home. He became a cripple. None of his mistresses even visited him, because he no longer had much money, and his face was mutilated. However, a kind wife and kind mother carefully looked after him, without reminding him of anything from his prodigal life. He was shocked and it changed him spiritually. He sincerely repented, asked to invite a priest to him, confessed, lived for several years as a Christian, having inner peace, and rested in the Lord. After his death, his eldest son took his place in the business and supported the family. This man's children lived very harmoniously because they had inherited good principles from their mother. This mother is a heroic mother. In order to save the family from disintegration, and her children from bitter sadness, she drank their bitter cups herself. She kept the family from falling apart, saved her husband and earned heavenly rewards herself. God will give this woman the best place in Paradise.
Children from broken families Geronda, if in the family the husband, having some kind of passion, admits his guilt, confesses, but continues to accept the influence of this passion and says to his wife: “I am torturing you: both you and the children. It’s better for me to leave and, living far from you, send you money so that you don’t suffer,” what should his wife do?
If the husband really feels what he says, it shows that he has a lot of curiosity, and his wife must endure. However, it is better if she does not immediately believe what she hears. Let her look deeper into the matter. After all, sometimes this happens: the husband, supposedly out of nobility, says: “I’ll leave so as not to torment you,” when in fact he wants to leave because he’s confused with another woman.
Marriage, having reached the state we see today, has lost its meaning. Families break up for no reason. A few days ago, a completely confused person came to my kaliva. At first he had two children from one mistress. Then he left for someone else. She bore him a child, and he divorced her. After this he married for the third time. His third wife was also divorced and also had three children: two from his first marriage and one illegitimate. From this woman he had two more children. “Wait, wait,” I stopped him, listening to all this. “How many mothers are all these children from and how many fathers?” This is how the unfortunate children die. Those of them who, being sensitive, cannot overcome the frustration of the misfortune that happened to them, fall into despair, and some even commit suicide. Others start drinking to forget. Still others are associated with drugs. And where do they find the money for all this? The smallest dose of heroin costs four thousand drachmas. A large dose is six or seven thousand.
These are the free, dissolute children of the previous generation. What will the others turn into - those kids whose parents divorced under the automatic divorce law? How many young people taking drugs have passed through my kaliva this summer! Most of these unfortunate people are children from broken families. The guy is twenty-seven years old, and he is in despair and asks for help! And you know, children from broken families can be seen from afar. I have a jar of Turkish delight on the bench near my kaliva. And when these guys come, they take a piece of Turkish delight from the jar and start eating it, and then, when they see me coming out of the kaliva onto the porch, not having finished the sweet yet, they immediately run up to kiss me. Their hands are all covered in powdered sugar from Turkish delight, and they’re going to kill me all over! These children are deprived of love and tenderness. It makes no difference to them whether they have parents or not. Whether their father comes home, whether he leaves, whether he lives with them, whether he doesn’t live - nothing changes for the unfortunate ones.
“Right” and “wrong” in married life
I noticed that some confessors tell husbands who are at odds with their wives: “Be patient, this is your cross. What can you do? For such patience, God will give you a reward.” Then the wives go to the confessors, to whom they say the same thing: “Be patient, be patient, in order to have a reward from God.”
That is, both spouses can be guilty and the confessor persuades both to endure. Or one of the spouses is to blame, and the confessor tells him: “Be patient, be patient.”
Thus, the spouse who is guilty of the fact that there is no peace in the family calms his thoughts by allegedly tolerating the other spouse, while in fact he is tormenting him every day.
One day a certain man came to my kaliva and began to complain that he was living poorly with his wife. In their family, it smelled like a divorce. Neither he nor his wife wanted to see each other. Both were teachers and had two children. They never ate at home: the husband went to one restaurant for dinner after school, and the wife to another. And for the children they bought some sandwiches, and the unfortunate children, when their parents came home, reached into their pockets and bags to see what dad and mom had brought to eat! The children were going through a big drama! Among other things, this man sang in church, but his wife did not go to the church where he sang - she went to another church. Their dislike for each other was so strong! “What can I do, father,” he told me, “I am carrying a big cross. Very big. Every day there are scandals in our house.” - “Did you go to your confessor?” - I asked him. “Yes,” he answered, “I went.” The confessor told me: “Be patient, be patient. You bear a big cross." “Come on,” I told him then, “now let’s see who carries the big cross.” Let's start from the beginning. When you got married, did you fight like that too?” “No,” he answers. — We lived very friendly for eight years. I adored my wife! I revered her more than I revered God! Then she became a different person! She began to torment me with her whining, nagging, and oddities...”
Hear what's going on! He revered her more than he revered God! “Come on,” I say, “come here, my dear!” So, did you reverence your wife more than God? Well, who is now to blame for the fact that you have reached this state: you or her? It was because of you that God took His Grace from your wife.” Then I asked him: “What are you thinking of doing now?” “We’ll most likely get divorced,” he said. “Perhaps,” I ask, “have you started an affair on the side?” “Yes,” he answers, “I’m thinking of going to one woman.” - “Come to your senses! - I say. - Come to your senses! Don't you understand that everything is your fault? And first of all, you need to ask God for forgiveness for the fact that you revered your wife more than you revered Him. Then go to your wife and ask her for forgiveness. Tell her: “Forgive me. It’s my fault that our relationship has reached this state, and that our children are now suffering.” Then go and confess - and reverence God as God, and love your wife as a wife. And you will see that everything will work out for you.” My thrashing did him good. He started crying and promised that he would listen to my advice. Soon he came to me again, already joyful: “Thank you, father, you saved our family. Everything is fine with us: both my wife and I, and our children.” Do you see how? He himself is to blame for everything, and at the same time he thinks that he “bears a very big cross”!
You should never justify women who come to your monastery and complain about their husbands.
In such cases, I do not justify either husbands or wives. On the contrary: I make both of them think. For example, a woman begins to complain: “My husband drinks, comes home late at night, uses foul language...” “Look,” I advise her. - When he comes home drunk at night, be kind to him. If you meet with a sour face and start nagging: “Why are you so late?”, “Is it really possible to come home at this time?”, “When will you finally change?”, “What kind of bitter grief is this?” ?”, “But this hasn’t been going on for a day or two!”, “And how long will I endure all this?” - then the devil will advise him: “Are you so sick that you just can’t part with this fool? Wouldn’t it be better to go and have fun with someone else?”
That is, you may be right, but the devil will catch him from the other side. But if you behave kindly with him, endure what is happening a little and pray without expressing your complaints to him, then when he sees a little sunny warmth and light from you, he will think and correct himself.”
Then the husband comes and starts his own: “My wife nags me, torments me with her whining...” “Oh, you,” I say, “are shameless! Your children and your suffering wife are impatiently waiting for you until midnight, and you come home drunk and start swearing! Shame on you! Did you marry in order to torment your family?”
But there are times when both husband and wife can be right. One day a group of pilgrims came to me, and I told them about what a chaste person Makriyanis was. He was distinguished by both physical and mental purity. Hearing this, one of my listeners jumped up and shouted: “It’s impossible for Makriyanis to become a saint!” “Why,” I say, “not to happen?” “Because,” he answers, “he beat his wife.” “Listen,” I say, “I’ll explain to you what happened between him and his wife. When Makriyanis had a penny in his pocket and some widow with children came to him, he gave her the money. His unfortunate wife began to grumble and nag him. “After all,” she told him, “you have your own children. Why did you give the money to her? Then he slapped her and said: “You have a husband who will provide for you. But this unfortunate woman doesn’t have a husband. Who will take care of her? That is, both Makriyanis and his wife were right.”
In addition, if one of the spouses lives spiritually, then, even if he is right, he in some way “does not have the right” to be right. After all, being a spiritual person, he must treat injustice spiritually. That is, he must treat everything as Divine justice requires. He should strive for what gives peace to another. After all, if someone makes a mistake, being weak, then in some way he has mitigating circumstances.
However, the other one is the one who is in a better spiritual state and does not treat the first with understanding, does not meet him halfway, and sins much more. If even spiritual people treat everything in a worldly way - from the position of worldly, human justice - then what will this lead to? To the point that they will constantly run around in worldly courts. This is why people suffer.
Young people at a crossroads in life
Both family and monastic life are blessed
Geronda, what should you answer to young men and women who ask whether monastic life is worth higher than family life?
– First of all, you should let them understand what a person’s purpose is and what the meaning of his life is. Then we should explain to the young that both paths outlined by our Church are blessed, since if those who choose them live according to God, then both of these paths can lead to heaven. Suppose two people go on a pilgrimage. One walks along a well-worn road, the other along a path. However, both walkers have the same goal. God rejoices in the first and admires the second. Things will only get worse when the one who walks on the path begins to condemn in his heart the one who walks on the highway, or vice versa.
It is good for those young people who are thinking about monasticism to know that the purpose of a monk is very great. The purpose of a monk is to become an angel. “In the next life, in Heaven, we will live like angels,” Christ said to the Sadducee[2]. Therefore, some very inquisitive young men and women become monks and begin to live an angelic life already in earthly life.
However, one should not think that everyone who enters a monastery will be saved just because they have become monks. Each person will answer to God for whether he has sanctified the life he has chosen. In any life, curiosity is necessary[3]. God does not create people predestined for success or failure. He who does not have curiosity will not succeed himself - no matter what path he chooses. Whereas an honest person prospers wherever he finds himself, since Divine grace abides with him. Some family people live very virtuously and become sanctified. If the head of the family loves God, if he is attracted by divine zeal, then spiritually he can be very successful. In addition, such a person endows his children with virtues, creates a good family and receives a double reward from God.
Therefore, every young man should have the following goal: to strive with curiosity and without spiritual anxiety - so as to sanctify the life he has chosen. Does he want to get married? Let him marry, but try with zeal to become a good head of the family and live a holy life. Does he want to become a monk? Let him become a monk, but he tries hard to become a good monk. Let him weigh his strengths, judge what kind of life he can handle, and, in accordance with the conclusions drawn, follow the chosen path. For example, if a girl sees that she does not have the strength to become a nun, she should humbly ask God: “My God, I am a weak person and I cannot live like a nun. Send me a person who would help me, so that I can create a good family and live spiritually.” In this case, God will not leave her. If, after getting married and creating a good family, she lives according to the Gospel, then God will not ask anything more from her.
Of course, there are some young people from whom God does not require much. However, out of curiosity, they take on many feats and, choosing monastic life, bring Him more than what He expects from them. Such people will be crowned with double crowns. That is, if someone, having an inclination towards family life, out of great curiosity wants to sacrifice everything and take the path of monastic life, then this brings God to great tenderness. However, such a person should carefully ensure that his motives are very pure: he should not act this way out of pride. If a person observes this condition, then God will dispel all his difficulties.
Concern among young people about entering their chosen path
– Geronda, if a young man or girl is worried about their marriage or entering a monastery, is the reason for this due to their lack of faith?
- Not always. Often young people worry, thinking about how best to embark on their chosen path and walk along it, always being with God. This is a sign of health. If a young man does not think or worry about entering the chosen path, this first of all indicates that he is an indifferent person, and as a result of this, he naturally will not succeed. However, one must be careful that anxiety about marriage or monasticism does not become excessive, because the devil tries to distort this anxiety, turn it into spiritual anxiety and keep the minds of young men and women in constant confusion.
To remain peaceful, young people should entrust themselves to God. After all, the Good God, like a tender Father, acts where we can no longer do anything humanly. Young people should not rush and make immature decisions about which path they will take. I know young people who are very anxious and try to solve all their problems at once. They end up getting confused and abandoning their studies. For example, they need to finish university, but they are overly worried about starting a family or joining a monastery. As a result, they fall behind in their studies and become even more confused. Everything cannot be done at once, and problems cannot be resolved this way. In order to help themselves, they must understand themselves properly and sort everything out. First you need to get a diploma, then find a job (for young men, in addition to this, they also have to serve in the army). And only after this, already being mature, can you make a decision and, with God’s help, either get married and create a good family, or, if a person has chosen the monastic life, enter the monastery that he has chosen.
Therefore, I advise those young people who are studying and have such anxiety to continue their studies, since they have not yet matured in deciding which path to take. I advise you to make a decision that will mature in them later and will please them. If they are well-disposed, then with God’s help, having slowly figured out how to live - married or celibate, in a monastery - they will feel peace of mind.
We must help young people follow their calling
Each person has his own calling. The good God created man free. God is noble: He honors human freedom and leaves everyone free to follow the path that suits them. God does not line everyone up in one line according to the laws of barracks discipline. Therefore, let the young leave themselves free in the spiritual space of God’s freedom. If they look up to the life that so-and-so has chosen for themselves, it will not benefit them. In choosing a life path, a person should not be subject to any influence.
Parents, confessors, teachers, without putting pressure on a young person, without stepping on his throat, should help him choose the life that he can handle, to follow his calling. The decision to choose a life path should be made by the young themselves. We - everyone else - can simply express our opinions. We have the right only to help the souls of young people find their own path.
Sometimes, when talking with young people who find it difficult to choose a path in life, I see which way the scales are tipping, but I don’t tell them about it so as not to influence their own choice. I try to do only one thing: to help them, as much as possible, to find the right path and inner peace. From what they like, I try to exclude everything harmful and leave the good, the holy, so that in this life they live joyfully, with God, and in eternal life they rejoice even more. I tell you sincerely: no matter what life this or that young man I know chooses, I will be happy in any case. I will be equally concerned about the salvation of his soul - as long as he is with Christ, living in the Church. I will feel like his brother, because such a person is a child of our Mother Church.
Of course, I am especially happy for those young people who are embarking on the path of monasticism. After all, the person who follows this angelic life is truly wise, since he does not fall for the devil’s bait, where the world is baited on the hook. However, we cannot put everyone under the same brush. After all, Christ, not wanting to force all people to bear a heavy burden, did not give everyone the commandment about monasticism, despite the fact that monasticism is the path to perfection. Therefore, when the evangelical youth asked Christ how to be saved, Christ answered him: Keep the commandments.
When the young man told Christ that he was keeping the commandments and asked:
What have I not finished yet?
– Christ answered:
“One thing is not finished: if you want to be perfect, go, O Lord, sell... and come and walk after Me...
[4] That is, Christ spoke to man about perfection, seeing that he was inquisitive, but did not drag people to perfection on the lasso. Christ also did not teach monasticism, because by doing so He would inflame the hearts of people, and it is possible that many would unwisely rush to become monks, and this would lead to evil. Christ only planted the spark of a perfect life, and when the favorable time came, monasticism appeared.
Likewise, we do not have the right to rape other people. We have the right to force only ourselves, but we must do this with reason. I have not yet definitely said to any young man: “Get married” or “Go to a monastery.” If someone asks me which path to choose, I answer: “Do what you like, as long as you are with Christ.” And if a young man answers me that he does not like the world, then I tell him about monasticism - to help a person find his way.
