Dmitry Polyakov: For an unbelieving husband is sanctified by a believing wife!

Advice for a believing wife living with an unbelieving husband

This situation occurs quite often in life, when the husband is an unbeliever and the wife is a believer. Scripture calls for preserving such a marriage with all one’s might if an unbelieving husband wishes to live together with a believing wife. 1 Cor. 7:13,14,16 “...a wife who has an unbelieving husband, and he agrees to live with her, should not leave him. For an unbelieving husband is sanctified by a believing wife, and an unbelieving wife is sanctified by a believing husband. Otherwise your children would have been unclean, but now they are holy. Why do you know, wife, whether you will save your husband? Or do you, husband, why do you know if you won’t save your wife?” Therefore, the goal of such a family is to maintain unity, to bring the husband closer to the Lord through the wife’s faithful walk before God.

There will never be peace and order in a family where a believing wife is looking for a reason to divorce an unbelieving husband, instead of making every effort to bring him closer to God and to preserve the family. God sees the hearts of all wives and deals sincerely with the sincere. Jesus Christ said that the Holy Spirit will give us power to be witnesses of Christ (Acts 1:8). The greatest witnesses are believers who have an unbelieving spouse. A believing wife in the home is a special blessing for her husband and children; she should spread the light of God's love, wisdom, peace and joy in the home. In order to have success in life and be together in eternity with a saved husband, you must love God and your husband deeply and desire the salvation of your husband. This is a very difficult task, but nothing is impossible for God if His children obey Him.

It is very important for a believer to look at his unbelieving half with God’s eyes, to look at him as a precious soul that is in the power of sin, which the Lord loves and wants to save. You cannot look at an unbelieving husband as a hindrance in your life. I once asked a sister who had been praying for a long time for her husband and for his coming to God: “Would you like to be together in heaven, in eternity?” She replied: “He has poisoned my whole life here, too, and if he is still in heaven, then this is a tragedy.” Here is one example of when a wife does not have sincere love for her husband and does not pray for his salvation with all her heart, but prays to eliminate the existing problems and difficulties that arise due to the fact that the husband is an unbeliever. Such prayers have no power.

We will divide our advice to believing wives living with unbelieving husbands into two large groups:

A. What a believing wife should not do when living with an unbelieving husband.

B. What should be done and how should a believing wife act in relation to an unbelieving husband.

A. What a believing wife should not do when living with an unbelieving husband.

1. Don't try to cheat on your husband.

Wives should be content with the husband he is. You need to change yourself, and changing your husband is the privilege of the Lord. Every person has the ability to change himself.

“But how will our husbands change then?” many wives will ask. Scripture tells us: “Therefore each of us will give an account of himself to God. Let us no longer judge each other, but rather judge how not to give your brother any chance of stumbling or temptation” (Rom. 14:12,13).

For husbands to change, wives need to change. They are with the Lord, they have strength from Him, they know the truth.

2. Don’t teach, don’t preach, but live the life you want to teach about.

“Likewise, you, wives, be submissive to your husbands, so that those of them who do not obey the word will be won without a word by the conduct of their wives when they see your pure, God-fearing conduct. Let your adornment be not the external braiding of your hair, not gold jewelry or finery in clothing, but the innermost person of the heart in the imperishable beauty of a meek and silent spirit, which is precious in the sight of God. Thus, once upon a time, holy women who trusted in God adorned themselves, obeying their husbands. So Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him master. You are her children if you do good and are not troubled by any fear” (1 Pet. 3:1-6).

There is not a single word here about teaching, but about how to live. When the Word of God says that “an unbelieving husband is sanctified by a believing wife” (1 Cop. 7:14), this means her lifestyle, her correct walk before God, her prayers, love, kindness, humility and wisdom in building a home .

One minister in the field of God, Carol Jantzen, said about it this way: “Some women put literature everywhere, put spiritual treatises on Christian life on all objects in the hope that their husband will read and change. When a wife's life does not change, that is why husbands do not want to read the Word of God. We must not talk, but live like a Christian.”

You must “put off your former way of life, the old man, which is being corrupted by the deceitful lusts, and be renewed in the spirit of your mind, and put on the new man, created according to God in true righteousness and holiness” (Eph. 4:22-24).

We must preach Christ through deeds, actions, character, and not words.

3. Don't be afraid that your husband doesn't always understand you and temporarily rejects your values.

Listen to God rather than your husband in those cases when it is necessary. Scripture warns about this: “If you were of the world, the world would love its own; But because you are not of the world, but I chose you out of the world, therefore the world hates you” (John 15:19). Many wives are afraid to go to church because their husbands forbid it. Do not stop in such cases, but draw closer to God, Who can bring even an unbelieving husband closer to Himself. Trust more in God and His omnipotence.

4. Don’t feel sorry for yourself and don’t look for compassion in what could have been different.

You are not the only ones. A lot of wives had unbelieving husbands, but many of them had already come to God and were born for a new life. You cannot hold grudges, pain or anger towards your husband in your heart; you must love your husband and hate sin and Satan. God has put you in a situation so that you can overcome, not so that you can complain. Live for today, not yesterday, have faith and hope for the future, and do not regret the past. “Do everything without complaining or doubting, so that you may be blameless and pure, children of God without blame in the midst of a crooked and perverse generation, in which you shine as lights in the world” (Phil. 2:14, 15).

5. Do not create the impression or form the opinion in your husband that your believing friends are more valuable to you than your husband.

If you constantly leave your husband alone, don’t take him with you to socialize, don’t go to his friends, then there will be no other fruits besides conflicts and alienation. We need to ask God for wisdom to properly prioritize our ministry based on how being a good wife and mother is the most important ministry. If this ministry is not performed or poorly performed, then no other ministry can be performed by a Christian wife to the fullest extent of the blessing of God. Don’t be so “spiritual” that you alienate your husband by not showing him care and attention, by not fulfilling your duties as a wife with love, by not finding new forms of communication with your husband. Unobtrusively, but with love and tact, invite your husband into your communication, invite your friends to your home, introduce your husband to your friends and do not neglect communication with his friends. Remember that “a virtuous wife is a crown to her husband” (Prov. 12:4), that “a wise wife builds her house” (Prov. 14:1), and that “a wife is the glory of her husband” (1 Cor. 11:7 ).

6. Avoid unnecessary irritation, reproaches, discontent; Avoid tension, ill will, bad words.

When the wife changes, the husband sees the real actions of Christ. Irritation, reproaches, discontent, and lack of joy in the wife will only alienate the husband from Christ and confirm him in unbelief. “Let no corrupt word come out of your mouth, but only what is good for edifying in the faith, so that it may bring grace to those who hear. Let all irritation and rage and anger and shouting and slander along with all malice be removed from you; but be kind to one another, compassionate, forgiving one another, just as God in Christ forgave you” (Eph. 4:29, 31, 32). “It is better to live in a corner on the roof than with a contentious wife in a spacious house” (Prov. 25:24).

7. Don’t expect your husband to behave like a Christian right away, don’t expect instant results, have patience.

How long do you need to endure? Just enough for your husband to understand the difference in your life and see the work of Christ in his wife. Seeing beneficial changes in his wife, he will be encouraged to change and draw closer to the God who brings light to the world and made his wife better. “Therefore do not abandon your hope, which will receive a great reward. You need patience, so that, having done the will of God, you may receive what was promised” (Heb. 10:35, 36).

8. Don't shy away from intimacy with your husband.

The Word of God commands a husband and wife to be together. “The wife has no power over her body, but the husband does; Likewise, the husband has no power over his body, but the wife does. Do not deviate from each other, except by consent, for a time, to practice fasting and prayer, and then be together again, so that Satan does not tempt you with your intemperance” (1 Cor. 7:4,5).

A wise wife will strive to show her husband that in physical intimacy one can achieve greater unity, harmony and joy when there is understanding and spiritual unity.

9. Do not show disobedience where it does not contradict the will of God, do not manipulate your husband, but obey him with all your heart.

This is one of the most important obstacles on the path of unbelieving husbands to God, when domineering and disobedient wives destroy God’s most important principle of family life with their rebellious character. You must always obey your husband, and not when it benefits your wife’s pride. “Wives, submit to your own husbands as to the Lord” (Eph. 5:22). Only in cases where the husband’s desires clearly run counter to God’s will, or when the wife’s dignity is humiliated and trampled upon, should she set clear barriers for the husband in their relationship.

10. Do not compare your husband with Christian husbands in a way that is not in his favor.

Such a comparison will only humiliate the husband, push him away from fellowship with believers and remove him from Christ. True love avoids comparison. A virtuous wife does not humiliate, but elevates her husband, condescends to his weaknesses, and covers him with love. “Her husband is known at the gate, when he sits with the elders of the land” (Proverbs 31:23). “The one who covers up the offense seeks love; but whoever reminds him of him again removes his friend” (Prov. 17:9).

B. What a believing wife needs to do so that an unbelieving husband comes to God.

1. Establish a right relationship with God.

If you created your marriage in contradiction to the Word of God, then you need to ask God for forgiveness. If you have sins, you need to leave them and correct yourself. If there is no obedience to the husband, it must be acquired, etc. “Humble yourselves therefore under the mighty hand of God, that in due time he may exalt you” (1 Pet. 5:6). “Submit yourselves therefore to God; Resist the devil, and he will flee from you; draw near to God, and he will draw near to you; Cleanse your hands, you sinners; straighten your hearts, you double-minded” (James 4:7, 8).

All unrighteousness and uncleanness must be left through repentance at the feet of Christ. The relationship with God must be pure.

2. Trust God more and rely on Him, do not rely only on your own strength.

He who trusts in God is never disappointed (Ps. 23:1; Ps. 33:9; Ps. 83:6; Ps. 127:1). “If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given to him. But let him ask with faith, without any doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, lifted and tossed by the wind. Let such a person not think that he will receive anything from the Lord” (James 1:5-7). Scripture makes many promises: “The Lord is my Shepherd; I will lack for nothing” (Ps. 22:1). “Taste and see how good the Lord is! Blessed is the man who trusts in Him!” (Ps 33:9). “Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart” (Ps 36:4).

3. Read the Word of God every day and pray for your husbands and for yourself from a pure heart; ask for the passage from 1 Pet. 3:1-6 was a real reality in your life.

Pray, pray and pray for yourself, for your husband, for your children. "Ask, and it shall be given you; seek and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you” (Matthew 7:7). Prayer is the most important link in the life of a believing wife who has an unbelieving husband, with the help of which you can pull out the whole chain of family problems.

4. Raise your children according to the Word of God.

Children are your hope and consolation, your future helpers. Believing children are another testimony for an unbelieving husband.

5. Don’t stop in your faith, but grow further spiritually.

Often husbands go backwards, and even greater spiritual strength and patience are required. Counter every action of the evil one in your husband with strong faith, constant prayer, and a humble walk with God (1 Pet. 5:6-8). The increasing sin in the world must be countered by increasing spirituality and holiness. It is difficult, but God's Word encourages you: “Those who sow in tears will reap with joy” (Ps. 125:5). “Let us not become weary in doing good, for in due season we will reap if we do not give up” (Gal. 6:9).

Don’t stand still, don’t get entangled in the same sins, search, create, cry out to the Lord, gain spiritual strength from Him.

6. Remind yourself that God loves your husband with a love that exceeds your expectations.

Know that your attitude towards your husband, even in the best of times, is much worse than the attitude towards him of the Lord, Who died for him and wants him to be saved. Therefore, do not give up on your husband, but show him all the warmth of agape love.

7. Look at your husband as a master.

If you listen and respect him, he will listen to you. Many wives ask: “Why doesn’t my husband talk to me?” And you yourself analyze your relationship before marriage. How did you and he behave? Why don’t you admire each other now like you did before? Husbands, whom their wives look upon as a master, become noble, sought-after and look upon their wife as a mistress.

8. Know how to listen and understand him.

Understanding is the most important component of love. Find the right time and appropriate circumstances to communicate with your husband, delve into his affairs, support and encourage him, know how to console and inspire. Show everyone with your attitude that he has no closer person than you. Try to analyze the main reasons for your disagreements with your husband and make every effort to correct the situation. In most cases, the husband is not embarrassed by the fact that his wife is a believer, but rather by the fact that his wife is moving away from him.

9. Admire all that is good in him and praise him.

Excessive criticism creates high walls of alienation, while praise removes barriers and brings people closer together. Constantly show your husband that you appreciate him and are grateful to him for everything he does for you and for the children. Every man wants to be significant in the family and wants open recognition of his value. Try giving natural compliments every day. There is always something to praise any husband for.

10. Show your husband that you love him and tell him about it.

Test yourself in love according to 1 Cor. 13. Satisfy your husband's needs, including sexual needs. Show affection, tenderness, attention, do not refuse intimacy. If a wife shows cold feelings, then it will be difficult to open such a husband to the Gospel. A particularly strong alienation occurs when the husband is disappointed by the coldness of his wife and is deprived of his last support - physical unity.

11. Show absolute obedience to your husband at all times, except when contrary to Scripture.

Even if the husband never comes to Christ, the wife must be obedient because it pleases God. Many wives do not notice that they are rebellious, domineering, disobedient, but only notice their husband’s shortcomings. If a wife fulfills her role in marriage, then the Lord will bring her husband closer to the truth.

12. Show the joy, beauty and advantage of being a Christian.

Never get discouraged and never give up. The Lord is on your side and what is impossible for man is possible for God. Rejoice in the wonderful things that you have and that no one can take away: faith, the gift of eternal life, communication with the Lord, with the church, the opportunity to pray for your husband and children, the opportunity to draw strength from the Lord. Despite all the difficulties, live in such a way as to “proclaim the excellence of Him who called you out of darkness into His wonderful light” (1 Pet. 2:9). Everything is possible for a believer, and if this believer is also optimistic, thanks the Lord for everything and constantly works on herself, then victories can exceed all her expectations.

V.N.

Pray for your spouse.

In your question you mentioned that you expected to play a role in your wife's repentance. You definitely have a role here and now. Your spiritual influence on your family is greater than you can even imagine.

The Bible reminds us that everything we do and every encounter we encounter is part of a larger spiritual battle going on behind the scenes (Eph. 6:12). Do not forget that your prayers for your wife are the most important and powerful aspect of your spiritual influence on her.

Pray for your wife and for your wife. Prayer is stronger and more useful than any conversation you could have on this earth, because it is in conversation with God - prayer - that heaven touches earth.

Be an example of Christ to your spouse.

I'm sorry your wife is skeptical about Christianity. So, partly, I feel sorry for her. And partly because her problem, most likely, is not with Christ, but with Christians. No amount of argument or justification will convince her, because her opinion most likely grows from deep emotional wounds.

Instead of trying to convince her, it might be best to give up arguing and just be a reflection of Christ to her. Give her grace, forgiveness, mercy, compassion and fair trial. The truth is, it doesn’t matter whether your wife is a Christian or not – we are all called to be a reflection of Christ to our wives. In your particular situation, you seem to be the closest example of what the faith and life of a Christian can be. Therefore, your spiritual influence on your wife cannot be overestimated.

The truth is, it doesn’t matter whether your wife is a Christian or not – we are all called to be a reflection of Christ to our wives.