Orthodox family
Audio |
Archpriest Alexy Ladygin, rector of the Church of Euphrosyne of Moscow in Kotlovka, answers questions from viewers. Broadcast from Moscow. Broadcast January 21, 2014
— Hello, dear TV viewers, the Soyuz TV channel is broadcasting the program “Conversations with Father.” In the studio of Denis Beresnev. Today our guest is the rector of the Church of St. Euphrosyne of Moscow in Kotlovka, candidate of theology Archpriest Alexy Ladygin.
Hello, father. I ask you to bless our TV viewers.
- Hello. May the blessing of the Lord be with us all.
— The topic of our today’s program is “Orthodox Family.” You can call and ask your questions live.
Father Alexy, tell me why the family is called a small Church?
— The image of a family is an image of the Church and unity. We must understand the depth of the feat when we get married, and we must understand on what foundation it is based. The Lord, through Scripture and Epistles, reveals to us what a family should be like. The very name of the family as the Small Church indicates that prayer should take place in it. If there is no prayer, the family will not be strong and will not be able to fulfill the task that it should set for itself.
The best way to understand this is through the images that the life and history of our Church have given us. If we turn to our saints, the patrons of every family, like the Great Holy Princess Evdokia and the Holy Blessed Prince Dimitri Donskoy, who showed a chaste family life, gave birth to twelve children, and at the same time were outstanding statesmen and political figures, creators of Moscow statehood. Trying to understand how they managed to do this, we turn to the chronicle records that have reached us.
The chronicler writes that Dmitry and Evdokia competed in spiritual feats, not inferior to each other in fasting and prayer. Every family must be based on prayer, otherwise it is doomed to the suffering that we see in the modern world.
— Monks abandon their family for the sake of the spiritual path. Doesn't family interfere with the spiritual path?
Monks, having abandoned their family, engage in spiritual work, without being distracted by the worries and concerns of a family man. The Apostle Paul says that both ways are acceptable to the Lord, but a married person has more sorrows. This is grief not only for yourself, but also for your family. We have care for each member of our family, and both of these leave us less time for prayer and spiritual deed. However, this does not mean that we abandon all this, because we understand that it is possible to overcome the trials sent to us only with God’s help. We must clearly remember this.
Monastics refuse this in order to devote their entire lives to God alone. Once the future Metropolitan Veniamin (Fedchenkov) was asked why he chose the monastic path, and he replied that this was a shorter and more convenient path for the salvation of his soul. A monk worries about how to please God, and a married man also worries about how to please his wife and children - this is the difference between these paths and the one that every person should follow. And this path is to seek first the Kingdom of God, and everything else will be added to you. We can accomplish all our affairs and concerns only if we have prayer. Without Me you cannot do anything, says the Lord.
As the Holy Scripture says, if the Lord does not bless the earth, then the earth will not bear fruit. Without God, the builder labors in vain; we have seen and know how it was without God in our country, when everything was destroyed, but we could not build without God.
If a person lives with God, then everything works out for him: he overcomes all difficulties and sorrows, because they are fellow travelers on our earthly journey and help forge us into a personality not only physical, but also spiritual.
The path of Demetrius and Evdokia is an amazing path. This is a path with sorrows and experiences, but they emerged victorious and became a model in family life for many of our compatriots, both in previous times and today.
In our time, the standard of family life is being lowered, it is perceived as a kind of game, as civil cohabitation, and not care and concern for the future generation, the path that God commanded when he said: be fruitful and multiply and fill this earth. A very important task of family life is childbearing and proper upbringing of children. Education in God, in faith, so that they take over the baton of Christian life, filling this earth with good. Our life is becoming more and more distorted, we even stop thinking in terms of real life, life according to God’s truth. A person no longer lives in reality, but virtually; he likes more some kind of cosmic fictions and fantasies. Man is increasingly moving away from this real world into fiction, and this world is increasingly filled with arbitrariness, lawlessness, deceit, lies, and slander. And when the Church raises the voice of truth, truth and light, then all this unrighteousness attacks it, saying that there is no difference and trying to mix everything into a common, inseparable mass. Only a small Church - a family - can achieve great results even in society, but only through its correct and righteous life. Evidence of this is the lifestyle of the same Demetrius and Evdokia. Thanks to their correct life according to the commandments, the correct structure of their family and life in it, they managed to give such potential to the small Moscow state that it then became a great empire.
— Question from a TV viewer from Anapa: I have gray hair, and I dye it, that’s what my husband and family want, they say that it makes me look younger and better. Isn't this a sin?
— If you were a nun, you wouldn’t have to do this. But if you use cosmetics in normal quantities, especially since it is pleasant for your family, there is no sin in it. The Lord will not ask us whether we dyed our hair or not, but will ask how we acted in this life and whether we did good.
— What should you consider when choosing a partner or life partner?
- When the time came for me to get married, I saw a wonderful Christian family of a priest, in which there was a wonderful relationship between the priest, a real caring shepherd, and his mother and children, and I asked him how he managed to find such a mother? To which he replied: I didn’t search, I prayed. Indeed, you need to pray, and not go looking for a cheerful, pretty girl. I tell my parishioners: do not look for a wife in a round dance, but look for her in your parish. If a girl is a believer, she has a core, and she will live according to the commandments of God. She will create wonderful comfort in your home, will give tenderness and love to you and your children, raising them according to the commandments of God.
As my father told me somewhat jokingly: I prayed to the Lord that He would send me a wife a little dumb, a little blind, a little deaf. And He sent me exactly this one. It happens that I say something offensive to my mother, but she doesn’t seem to hear and doesn’t say anything. I’ll do something wrong, but she doesn’t seem to see it. Sometimes I’ll tell her rudely, and she’ll say, “I’m sorry, father.” And these words make me feel ashamed, and I feel guilty, but she doesn’t consider me that way, but takes me to the kitchen and feeds me the most delicious food. So she and I live in joy both in Church and at home, raise children, pray for them and rejoice in everything.
Therefore, we must pray to the Lord to send a companion - a true Christian. A woman has a great responsibility not only to give birth to children, but also to raise them in God’s truth. It happens that a woman is carried away by her career, money, entertainment, achieving a position in society, but years pass, she comes to church and says: “Father, I have worked all my life, but there is no happiness, because there is no family, no children. And this big money that I earn is of no use, and entertainment is no longer needed, because I feel that internally I have not been fulfilled. First of all, a woman must fulfill the commandment given to her by God - to bear children. A man has a different function - he is the breadwinner, he must work hard. There should be a lot of children in the house, they should pray with their mother, go to church, they should be taught to work, and here is the field of activity of a woman who is the keeper of the hearth, a prayer book for her husband, for children. She shows an example of love and faith.
Family life is not constant joy and entertainment. Family life should be considered as a crucifixion; indeed, there are many difficulties in it. You need to get used to them right away.
Someone thinks that I won’t get married because I don’t have the financial resources yet. They got married, but haven’t given birth to children yet, because they haven’t had enough fun yet. The time is coming, but the Lord does not give children. Because we cannot approach our relations pragmatically. You need to live in simplicity, like children. If you fall in love, you get married, you get married, you have to immediately have children. Don't think about whether there will be housing or not. Even in recent Soviet times, no one thought that he had no money or resources. Many lived with family, renting housing, but we still remember this time with joy. Because youth, and because difficulties unite young couples. When a person gets used to the fact that he lives until he is thirty for himself, then he no longer accepts the cry of a child at night, bathing a child takes him away from the plan that I am already accustomed to seeing in my life.
— Question from a TV viewer from Nizhnevartovsk: It is written in Scripture that the cause of divorce is adultery. My husband and I lived together for twenty years, cheating happened, but we cannot divorce due to the current circumstances, we live together in the same apartment, but I cannot forgive. What to do next in such a situation?
- The situation is really difficult. There are many questions that need to be asked to you in order to find out the circumstances, your inner disposition, there are parish priests for this, and I would recommend that you go to the parish priest, tell the situation and do as he says.
The Scriptures do say that adultery is a possible cause of divorce. But possible, this does not mean that it is necessary to get a divorce. If you live under the same roof and have repented of your sin, you can help your husband overcome this sin and take the right path. We must always remember that our desire for a divorce is one thing, and another thing is our children, who during a divorce become the most unhappy and suffer the most. Both dad and mom are equally important to them.
Today we see that a divorced family cannot provide society with a psychologically complete person who would consider himself such. As a rule, most often children feel that they did not receive enough love; it is very difficult for such a person to build their family life in the future and create a full-fledged, healthy society. We must remember this. If there is an opportunity to help overcome some sin, to help your husband, with whom you have lived for twenty years, perhaps it is worth helping him correct himself, realize the sin he committed, and start living again. This is one of the options. The resentment may continue to live, but the resentment will not only destroy the family, it will also corrode you, this is very scary. To try to reconcile and live again under one roof, to see not the person with whom I am offended, but whom I can still love. It will be much higher and more valuable. Think about it, talk to your parish priest or spiritual director. We must always give a chance for good to triumph over sin.
— What, in your opinion, is the main, perhaps root cause, of discord in the family?
“Our TV viewer just named one of them - this, of course, is treason.” Treason destroys the spiritual threads in the family. Now this is a very common sin, on the one hand, a person removes internal barriers, on the other, the understanding of sin in our lives is blurred due to television, series, where love affairs and intrigues are always woven. When a person plunges into this, he realizes that he received nothing but emptiness, a destroyed family and remorse. Sometimes this sin is a feature of non-return to family life.
We have very different desires and views on life. The reason for this is that our society is becoming unspiritual, does not believe in God, and does not have common roots that bind the family into a single whole. The Lord says that He crowns two into one flesh, into one organism. If at least some part of our body fails, then the whole organism becomes unbalanced. A person begins to suffer, get sick, the family should be like such a single organism. And here not only physical connection is important, but also spiritual unity. Interests and views may be different, but if there is spiritual unity, such a family can overcome everything in an impulse of prayer, receive grace, forgive or give in at some points.
The family must be nourished spiritually. The strongest families are religious ones, sociologists will confirm this. Large families have the lowest divorce rate; parents in them work hard and have no time for excesses. Fathers need to work harder to earn money so that their children do not feel inferior compared to others. A large family unites. When children grow up, it is such a happiness when before your eyes they learn to live, where there are many children and you need to find good relationships with brothers and sisters. In a large family, people actually prepare for society, already learning to live together, learning the wisdom of relationships, yielding, showing care, love, care.
If a family lives only for its own pleasure, extra money appears, extra time is spent on pleasing oneself, and we again come to the same selfishness. When a person lives for himself, he no longer thinks about his wife or his children.
— Question from a TV viewer from Pereslavl-Zalessky: How does the Church relate to murder in war, military affairs, and how does it affect the family when a person who committed murder in war returns home?
— The attitude towards the military who commit murder in war is completely different than towards murder for personal purposes, which is committed out of hatred, aggression, the depravity that a person has already acquired. A person commits, being already internally prepared for it. By murder, man destroys what God created, so it is a terrible sin. God is the boss of life, therefore only He can interrupt it. Christ, our true God, has life and death,” says the church prayer.
Military men do not kill because they harbor malice or anger, they do it out of duty, protecting others who stand behind them. We know that the military themselves can be killed at any moment; they sacrifice themselves defending widows, orphans, the elderly, and the faith. Therefore the Lord says: Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friend.
Such service is not considered a sin, but is considered a justification. Therefore, in the old days, on the banners of our army it was written: For our friends. And, of course, no penance is imposed on them. Although, of course, the Christian warrior himself repents. But this is not a sin, especially one for which the race is responsible. We know that many soldiers who were military leaders became saints because they did their work in truth, trusting in God and fulfilling their duty to the Fatherland and the Church.
— Do children have responsibilities in the family? If so, which ones?
- Children have continuous responsibilities. Their greatest duty is to live in obedience and reverence for their parents, who brought them into this world, warm them, nourish them, and educate them. We know that children do not have the right to say “I want” and “I don’t want.” This can only be said by an independent adult who feeds himself and earns money. Children should live in the concepts of “dos” and “nots,” and take blessings or permission from their parents for everything.
The fifth commandment is the greatest commandment. As long as our parents are alive, we remain children and must be obedient to them. As the fifth commandment says, Honor your father and mother, and you will live long on earth. For fulfilling this commandment, the Lord gives us longevity as a reward. The most disobedient children who do not respect their parents can be deprived of their lives at any moment. It is very important and very responsible to honor your parents, obey, take care of them when they grow old, and never forget about them. Remember that the foundation of houses is satisfied with parental blessing. If parents bless their children, everything goes well in their lives.
Nowadays it is cultivated in society that when you are an adult, you can do as you want. Indeed, everything is possible for a person, but not everything is useful to him, as the apostle says. No one has repealed spiritual laws, and they still apply. You need to take blessings for the main and most important things, and then you will achieve your goals.
Those who seek to condemn and offend their parents, remember that a mother’s curse takes the life of such a person. This fits into our logic; if it weren’t for them, we would not see the joys on this earth, we would not have the joy of communicating with people and admiring the beauty of this world.
— Question from a TV viewer from Chuvashia: Many of my friends who grew up in large families do not want to have large families themselves, because they saw little love from their mother and father, who had to work very hard. Psychologists also say that this problem exists in large families. What do you think about it?
— We must clearly define what is meant by parental love. Very often this is the name for permissiveness, the feeling of bliss that children receive from their parents. If we take the Holy Scripture, we will read in the book of Sirach: cherish the child in his youth, and he will frighten you in his old age; Punish a child in youth, he will give you peace in old age. Therefore, aspects of modern upbringing do not fit into the framework of a large family. My mother’s love lay in the fact that she did not let us relax and forced us to pray. She taught us to work, all eight of our children received an education. Love is not about giving a child the opportunity to sleep more or go to a resort, but about teaching him to work, pray, honor his elders, and do good deeds. Our mother always let us light a candle in church ourselves and give alms to the beggar ourselves. Love is to instill in children a love of work and faith in God, so that it helps them survive.
What are we doing now? We feel sorry for raising them to prayer so they can get some sleep. And what about our children? They grow up to be quitters and cannot study or work. They are used to being served; they cannot serve themselves. Therefore, I will never agree with the conclusions of psychologists, they probably have never seen children who grew up in large families, they are much better than children who grew up in families with one or two children, and who not only cannot do good deeds, but sometimes even clean your room.
A large family lives in need and difficulties, but they teach them to work and support each other. Large families are large relatives who can support in difficult situations, participate in each other’s lives, because from childhood they learned to share, give in, and infringe on themselves, just so that their brother or sister would be better off.
— If a family is a small Church, then should the Church be a big family?
— Of course, the Church unites many family Churches. This is especially evident now, when, as a rule, families go to church. We see mom and dad come with their children.
If we take our entire Church, it unites us all into one big family. Why? Because we have one single Father, and the Lord gave us the prayer “Our Father.” We treat God not as high and distant, but as the closest, as a father, which means we are all brothers and sisters.
- Thank you, Father Alexy. Our transmission time has come to an end. At the end of our program, I ask you to bless our viewers.
- The blessing of the Lord remains with you all. I sincerely thank everyone and wish God’s help in your continuous labors and spiritual improvement.
Guest of the program: Archpriest Alexy Ladygin.
Presenter: Denis Beresnev.
Transcript: Yulia Podzolova.
First principle
This is the motive that calls you to marriage. In other words, if a man believes and imagines that when he gets married, his wife will cook, wash and clean for him. This motive is considered incorrect, or another example, when a woman wants to get married so that she can be provided for. And when people get married with such motives, after getting married, the husband, who believed that his wife would do the laundry, cook and clean, does not do this, and the wife, who believed that they would provide for her, also does not see the provision. After this, the marriage develops a crack, which can completely destroy the marriage if the thinking is not changed. The correct motive for building a Christian family is when a woman marries a man to become his helper, and a man marries a woman to help her succeed in life. God sees the right motives of the heart and blesses.
Second principle
Without such qualities as honesty and integrity, it is impossible to build trusting relationships with anyone at all, let alone future spouses. It’s better to let a person have a bunch of minuses and one plus called honesty, then you will know all the minuses and somehow change them, because love changes everything. Integrity is a quality that determines a person’s life. In other words, so that our words do not diverge from our deeds, and for this we need the fifth principle - time.
Fifth principle
All people want everything at once, but it doesn’t happen that way. The Bible says (Ecclesiastes 3:1) “To everything there is a season.” Our feelings and body are ready to get married tomorrow, but our spirit is not ready. In previous principles we already mentioned time. And time is given by God for people to sort it out and look at each other from different sides, weigh all the pros and cons. For this purpose, the church used such a tool as engagement. This is when a young couple is not left to their own devices, but is subject to the law. By walking in an engagement you pay a price by living under the law and whatever price you pay is how your marriage will be valued. Longsuffering is what God tests us with!
If you follow these instructions and put them into practice, you will have a happy Christian family!
