From time to time we publish the following texts: mistakes made by loved ones of a disabled person, what not to say to parents of special children, etc. Are such aids necessary, is it possible to replace innate tact, and is sincere sympathy more valuable than a correctly constructed phrase? Disputes about this do not stop and are unlikely to stop. One thing is certain: those who suffer know more about the rules of dealing with their own pain than anyone else on planet Earth. Samantha Hayward lost her daughter Ella four years ago. The girl died at the age of 19 days from viral myocarditis. Samantha's article is called “How to Talk to Parents Who Have Lost a Child. Advice from a survivor." This text is extremely emotional, it is full of bitterness and reproaches towards all of us who have not experienced such grief. It is not easy and not at all pleasant to read, but Samantha knows what she is talking about and whether she needs to talk about it at all.
I. N. Kramskoy. Inconsolable Sorrow (1884) https://upload.wikimedia.org
Did this really happen to me?
Only those who have experienced it can understand the full extent of the soul-tearing grief from the loss of their child. Four years have passed, and I still look at my daughter’s grave and don’t believe it. There is something surreal about visiting your own child in a cemetery. It was as if I had left my own body and was looking at someone strange, unfamiliar, standing there, laying flowers on the ground...
Is it really me? Is this really my life?
There are things that only parents can understand: what is the most powerful bond between you as a child, the absolute love that knows no death and the unshakable determination that roars inside you like an open fire - the determination to protect your child at any cost. The common phrase that a mother is ready to give her life for her child becomes fully understandable - at the emotional level - only when you become a mother yourself. Being a parent means wearing your heart not inside, but outside. No matter how you imagine how someone who has lost a child feels, multiply it a trillion times and it still won’t be enough.
Support? It only seems to you
It seems that society sympathizes with people who have lost children and are in this unbearable sadness, that those around them are always ready to support them and talk to them. My experience is that sincere human concern and kindness have surprised me as many times as their absence. It is very important for bereaved parents to talk about their grief, to speak openly, without looking back. I found that this is the only thing that somehow relieves the pain. Of course, friends and relatives supported me. But - at least this was the case in my case - their patience, sympathy, care and help cannot last forever. In fact, the situation they are involved in is so tragic and emotionally difficult that at a certain point it becomes simply impossible to be inside it.
After this, the realization comes that your loved ones cannot help you cope with your grief. Firstly, because even they do not see the light at the end of the tunnel. And secondly, because it prevents them from being happy. They didn't lose their children, so why should they spend all their time grieving about your child?
Third stage
About a year after your son’s death, some peace of mind may come to you. Although a resurgence is possible
.
However, you have probably already learned how to manage your grief
, you know what you need to do to calm down.
Take a break from something you love, chat with friends, spend time with them
.
If you have survived all of these stages of tragedy well, you will be able to come to terms with the loss and learn to move on. Yes, memories will torment you from time to time, but don’t reject them. Sometimes you can cry, the main thing is that you will soon calm down and pull yourself together. After all, you have a family, it hasn’t gone anywhere. Your relatives will help you, over time you will have a new incentive for life, for a happy life
.
Ten tips for everyone else
So, for the sake of all the parents who are waiting for help with empty hands, I will write ten things people should know about losing a child. Perhaps these ten points will change the life of at least one bereaved parent for the better.
1. Four years have passed, and I wake up every morning with the same feeling of grief that I felt the day Ella died.
The only difference is that now I have learned much better how to hide the pain of my heart torn to shreds. The shock has slowly subsided, but I still can’t believe that this happened. It always seemed to me that such things happen to other people - but not to me. You asked me how I was and then you stopped. Where do you get the information that in such and such a week, in such and such a month after the loss of a child, the mother no longer needs such questions and participation?
2. Please don't tell me that all you want is for me to be happy again.
Believe me, no one in the world wants this as much as I do. But I can't achieve this at the moment. The most difficult thing in this whole story is that I have to find some other happiness. The feeling that I once experienced - the feeling of caring for a loved one - will never come to me in its entirety again. And in this situation, understanding and patience on the part of loved ones can be truly life-saving.
3. Not similar. And I will never be the same again. I am who I am now. If you only knew what horror I had to go through, you would understand that remaining the same is beyond human strength. Losing a child changes you as a person. I was told that my eyes now look like a ghost. It's a strange thing to say to a grieving mother, but yes, in some ways I am a ghost, a faint reflection of my former self. My views on the world have changed, what was once important is no longer so - and vice versa. Hearing about your eyes, I feel that you want to tell me two things. First of all, you don't like me. And secondly, you no longer see good old Samantha in me, who for some reason refuses to return. But believe me, no one misses that Samantha more than me!!! And I mourn two losses: the death of my daughter and the death of me as I once was.
4. If you decided to call me on my daughter’s first birthday and the first anniversary of her death, why don’t you do it on the second, third?..
This is terrible and disgusting. Do you really think that every new anniversary becomes less sad for me? And this silence clearly - like a huge neon advertisement - testifies: you are living your life and have forgotten about my daughter.
5. I beg you, stop constantly telling me how lucky I am to have other children and, especially, my youngest daughter.
Did I tell you about this? Then why are you telling this to me? I buried my own daughter and you seriously think I'm lucky?
6. Is it unhealthy to cry in front of children? You are wrong. It's very helpful for them to see me mourn the death of their sister.
When someone dies, it is normal to cry. It won’t be normal if my children grow up and think: “That’s strange, but I’ve never seen my mother cry because of Ella.” They can learn to hide their emotions, thinking that since mom did this, it means it’s right - but this is wrong.
7. Don't say I have three children. I have four of them. If you don't consider Ella my child just because she died, that's your business.
But not in front of me. Four, not three!
8. Even now, after four years, there are days when I want to hide from the whole world and take a break from the constant pretense.
On days like these, I don’t want to pretend that everything is fine with me, and I feel like I’m at my best. Don’t think that I let grief overcome me or that I’m not right in my head. I still know that I married the most eligible bachelor of the century, my children are perfection and I have a beautiful home. But despite all this, I grieve. This is very difficult, especially when you have to raise three children and maintain a strong and happy marriage. Let it be known that I am experiencing not only my own grief, but also the grief of my husband and my boys. It would be better if you just congratulate me on the fact that my family is in such excellent condition, because keeping it safe, sound and happy was not so easy.
9. I noticed everything. Friends and relatives, for whom this whole story with death and my grief turned out to be too difficult, stopped inviting us to the holidays to which we were always invited, and began to organize some events secret from us.
They thought that I wouldn't notice anything. I noticed. But I didn’t say anything only because I didn’t want to waste my words stating this shameful behavior. But there is something for which I am grateful: I did not have to waste time on people capable of such cruelty and indifference. Please don't be afraid. I will be the first to be there for you if something like this happens in your family. And then you will understand how creepy it is.
10. Grieving for your child will only end when you see him again.
This is for life. If you're wondering how long your friend or family member will be sad, here's the answer: always. Don't push them, don't belittle the feelings they have, don't make them feel guilty about them. Open your ears - and listen, listen to what they are telling you. Perhaps you will learn something. Don't be so cruel as to leave them to their own devices. More than once I was abandoned by friends when my heart was languishing with grief. Friends whom I loved and trusted turned their backs on me, classifying me as those with whom it was too difficult, or, what is much more difficult, crazy. Phone calls, text messages, and comments on Facebook stopped. Each time the same thing was repeated: “Sorry, dear, I’m like a squeezed lemon,” “See you soon, okay?”, “I miss you!” This could have gone on forever, but I understood everything. I am not inclined to insist on friendship with a person who does not want it himself. Everyone has their own conscience. I'm glad I don't have to live with their conscience.
Medical practice
In such matters, it is better to take the advice of a psychologist. Of course, they won’t teach you how to survive the death of your son, but they will help you a little. First of all, you should contact a good specialist. This is especially true for those who are unable to cope with their experiences on their own. There is nothing wrong with going to a psychologist; this doctor can suggest medications that will slightly relieve emotional stress, improve sleep and overall well-being of the body. The psychologist will also write out several useful recommendations, selected individually for each patient.
You should not resort to alcohol or drugs, and you also do not need to self-prescribe serious medications. These methods will not help you survive the death of your son, but will only worsen the situation.
You should definitely stick to your daily routine. It may be through force, but you need to eat. You need to force yourself to go to bed at the same time. The right regimen helps reduce the amount of stress hormones in the body.
Information that no one needs
You might think that there are a large number of publications devoted to the terrible process of coping with the loss of a child. But that's not true. Even the stories of parents are rare. The topic of the death of children and its impact on a variety of people is practically not touched upon by the media. And she, meanwhile, is capable of instantly destroying a marital union, capable of leaving other children in a state of grief, anger, and loss of direction. Sometimes they are too young to understand what is happening, and they are angry that their family is no longer the same, that they do not recognize their parents. The loss of a brother or sister is terrible in itself, but what is even worse is that the grief of these children is not taken into account by anyone. I can count on one hand the number of times people have asked me how the boys are doing.
You can read in the press about the brutal details of a child's death - but that's all. But much more needs to be written on this topic, and we need to talk about it much more openly. I'm upset not only for myself, but also for other parents who have lost children. Why is this topic surrounded by such fear and silence? The point is that when faced with a situation like this, people feel awkward, and I honestly don't know why. Something tells me they just don't want to know anything about it - it's such a terrible topic. Perhaps they are afraid that if they learn more, they will experience an obsessive fear of losing their own child. Parents already worry enough about their children. Do they need the additional anxiety that will come with learning the details of the death of someone else's child? The unexpected death of my daughter Ella was, without a doubt, the most terrible event in all the 37 years I spent on Earth. I don't think anything worse can happen in the future. Although I pray to God every day that nothing like this happens. But I can't know for sure. I am not a seer, I do not have magic glasses through which I can see how my future life will turn out. I just have to hope that nothing like this will happen, but I live in constant fear of a repetition of the horror, precisely because it already happened to me once. And you don’t have to have a doctorate in psychology to know that this fear is normal. What I went through losing my little princess was so unimaginably terrible that I doubt if I could go through something like it again. Not a trace remained of my mental strength; everything was invested in the feelings that needed to be experienced in this situation. It’s as if someone smashed a child’s piggy bank to pieces in order to take out and spend change ahead of time.
I'm broken - not broken, no - I'm emotionally broken. I know that all the energy I needed to get through those four years was spent before it was due - and not just coping with Ella's death.
I needed it to make my friends and family understand what it was like to be in my shoes. And I'm angry about it. After all, the time when I was supposed to grieve, I devoted to protecting myself.
And this feeling is almost the same in strength as the feeling of grief from the loss of a child. I don't want to be angry. God knows I don't need this at all, but I just don't know how not to get angry given some of the things people around me have said and done. I explained and explained my feelings to them, but no one seemed to really hear me.
I'm not sure whether it's the lack of literature on this topic or the fear that people have of this kind of reading. They don't want to know that the creature you love so much, about whom you care so much, can experience such suffering. Personally, I know, however, that if my relative, friend, or, worse, one of their children, suddenly becomes seriously ill, in an instant I will be typing its name into Google to find out as much as possible about this diagnosis and , maybe I can help with something. But why doesn't this happen when it comes to the death of a child?
Stages of Grief
For parents, the loss of a son is a terrible tragedy, because it is impossible to find a reason that would justify this departure. But the worst thing is that there is no cure for this torment. Along with the death of a child, a mother buries her heart; it is impossible to survive the death of her son, just as it is impossible to move a mountain. But suffering can be alleviated. You need to live your grief from beginning to end. It will be incredibly difficult, incredibly difficult, but nature itself has a natural mechanism for relieving stress from difficult circumstances. If you go through all the steps, it will become a little easier. So, what stages does someone who has experienced the death of their son go through:
- Sobs and hysterics.
- Depression.
- Mourning.
- Parting.
I'm afraid to meet people
Most people think they know this. And it's just killing me. The death of a child is the worst thing that can happen to a person, but for some reason most people feel educated enough in this area to give advice, criticize, speak words of wisdom - despite the fact that they know nothing at all about it. Just get over it? Well, let's sit down and see how you do it first!
When I meet someone, I immediately begin to feel awkward and afraid. I know that there will come a time in the conversation when a new acquaintance will ask me questions about my family, about how many children I have. I wish I didn't have to tell them the whole truth. How much easier my life would be if I chose this path. But the fact is that I have another child. Her name is Ella. She would be four years old now, but she was only 19 days old when she died. I didn’t lose her – it’s wrong to say that. After all, I know perfectly well where she is: she is dead.
Ella is my third child and she deserves a mention just like my other children. I used to lie, answering that I only had three children, but after that I was tormented by such a feeling of guilt for several days that I decided to stop lying. I can literally hear Ella telling me, “I don’t mean anything to you anymore, Mommy? Are you ashamed to remember me? Why?"
So for me personally, the situation is this: even if I don’t want to tell a half-friend about my daughter’s death, the guilt I feel about keeping this fact quiet is much worse. I have not three children, but four. And my daughter is not my only daughter, I have another one. What the interlocutor’s reaction will be is a matter of luck. It is impossible to predict it. All you can do is close your eyes, hide your broken heart deep inside yourself and wait for him not to stick the knife even deeper. If I knew the answers to the questions of why people give so much advice regarding something they don’t understand at all, it would make me feel better, really.
Sympathy is easy
What struck me after Ella's death was how little compassion there was in the world. But it’s not at all difficult to sympathize. You simply imagine yourself in the place of another person - that's all. And then you think about what kind of attitude you would like to have towards yourself. And if you don't like something, don't do it. You don't know what fate has in store for you. It is possible that one day you will find yourself in my place.
I hope that this article about my personal feelings and thoughts will help someone at least partially understand what life is like for someone who has lost a child.
Source
: Australian women's online magazine "Mamamia"
What helps
During this period, a person may imagine a voice, the steps of his deceased son, he may come in a dream and try to speak
.
If the same thing happens to you, talk to your son in a dream, ask him to come
.
It is too early to completely let go of a deceased person. Do not be shy about good memories, talk about the deceased with relatives, and willingly share your experiences
. If they cannot help you in word or deed, they can at least listen. Tears during this period can also help you periodically come to your senses. But if these periods continue almost around the clock, you need to contact a qualified psychologist.
