We are responsible for saving children. Holy Fathers on raising children
After all, if piety is absent, then even those treasures that exist perish with danger and extreme shame; if it is present, then those who are not present also come. Therefore, parents should not think about how to make their children rich in silver and gold, but about how they would become richer than everyone else in piety, wisdom and the acquisition of virtue. And the fact that many of the parents endure a lot because of their children is because they do not want to flog, reason with words and upset their sons who live dissolutely and illegally, which is why they often have to see how they get into extreme troubles, are brought to trial and are given to the executioners for beheading. Indeed, when you yourself do not educate, when you yourself do not make wise, then he, having joined unfit and corrupt people, having joined them in vice, is brought under the influence of social laws and is punished in front of everyone; and after the execution comes even greater shame...
How will you end up justifying yourself? Didn’t I, it will be said to you (God), allow the child to live with you from the very beginning? I placed you over him (children) as a teacher, mentor, guardian and boss, did I not give all the power over him into your hands? Did I not command him, so tender, to be processed and organized? What excuse will you get if you looked at him jumping with carelessness? What are you going to say? That he is unbridled and untamed? But you had to look at all this from the beginning: to bridle him when he was young and accessible to the bridle; the weeds then had to be plucked out, when age was more tender and it was easier to pluck out - then the unattended passions would not have intensified and become incorrigible.
Just as someone cannot count on justification and forgiveness for their own sins, so parents cannot count on the sins of their children. Those fathers who do not care about the decency and modesty of their children are child killers and more cruel than child killers, since here we are talking about the destruction and death of the soul. Therefore, just as if you see a horse rushing towards an abyss, you throw a bridle over its mouth, forcefully lift it up on its hind legs, and often beat it - which, it is true, constitutes punishment, but punishment is the mother of salvation - so Do the same with your children if they sin: bind the sinner until you appease God; do not leave him untied, lest he be further bound by the wrath of God. If you bind, God will not then bind; if you do not bind him, then unspeakable chains await him.
St. John Chrysostom
Man, they say, is free; he cannot or should not force himself either in faith or in teaching. Lord have mercy! What a diabolical opinion! If you don’t force it, then what will come out of people after that? Well, what will come of you, herald of newly invented rules, if you do not force yourself to do anything good, but live the way your vicious heart, your proud, short-sighted and blind mind, your sinful flesh wants you to live?
Parenting. Orthodox view. Advice from modern pastors and holy fathers
5. About education by parental example
The children of sinners are disgusting children and associate with the wicked. The inheritance of the children of sinners will perish, and disgrace will spread along with their tribe.
The wicked father will be reproached by his children, because for his sake they suffer disgrace.
Book of Wisdom of Jesus, son of Sirach, 41: 8-10
Youth, and every age, is better taught to virtue by a good life than by words; Especially young children have as a rule the lives of their parents; so that what they notice in them, they do themselves, whether it be good or bad, what they see. For this reason, parents should both guard against temptations and set an example of virtuous living for their children when they want to instruct them in virtue. Otherwise they won’t be able to do anything. For they look more at the lives of their parents and imagine this in their young souls, rather than listening to their words. Every mentor’s word, combined with life, is a fair and powerful instruction, much more so than a parent’s instruction.
Saint Tikhon of Zadonsk
Your example, fathers and mothers, your behavior has a stronger effect on young hearts than words and instructions... Don’t tell a child a lie, and he will be ashamed of the lie. If you reproach him for the harshness of his reproach and the cruelty of his words, and a minute before you yourself gave a rude reprimand, then you are beating the air. You teach your son the fear of God, but you yourself swear needlessly and with oblivion to the God of righteousness: believe me, your instruction will be wasted without fruit. You tell your son that you need to love and thank the Lord, but instead of going to church you yourself go to places where they don’t think about God at all, where His deeds dishonor him. What are you doing? You are killing faith in your son.
Good mother! You teach your daughter modesty, bashfulness, purity, and in front of her you judge those you know, you talk about things that you should only cry about in private: do you understand what you are doing? No, if you want your children to love goodness, show by deeds that goodness is worthy of love, and vice is the same as an ulcer. Let your life be praise to the Lord and love for humanity: then your children will live for the glory of God and the benefit of people. How necessary it is for you, parents, to be pious! God's wrath and blessing pass from you to your children and grandchildren.
Archbishop Filaret (Gumilevsky)
If you want, parents, to have obedient children, then you must precede them in everything by your good example, you must show yourself in all thoughts and actions as obedient children of the Orthodox Church, and true sons of the Fatherland, fulfill your duties in relation to spiritual and temporal authorities . If the father of the house himself condemns the orders and structure of the state, mocks the actions and orders of the secular authorities, if he attacks the statutes and decrees of the Church, if he himself does not fulfill either the orders of the authorities or the commandments of the church, then how can he expect obedience from his children?
Hieromartyr Vladimir (Epiphany)
How to instill the highest Christian morality in children? First of all, with your life, for any verbal teaching or pedagogical art is nothing, emptiness compared to the example that children see in their parents.
Saint Luke (Voino-Yasenetsky)
As much as someone loves their parents, so much will they be loved and respected by their children when God sends them. This is the lesson of experience everywhere.
Saint Theophan the Recluse
When not a single member of the family can be left without evening and morning prayer, when the father does not leave the house to do his work without praying before the holy icons, and the mother does not begin anything without the sign of the cross, when even a small child is not allowed to touch food until it does not cross itself - aren’t children thereby taught to ask for God’s help in everything, and to call upon God’s blessing for everything, and to believe that without God’s help there is no security in life, and without His blessing there is no success in human affairs?
His Eminence Ambrose, Bishop of Kharkov
A child should recognize Christ not from a picture book, but from his mood, from his way of thinking, from his way of life, from the mutual relations of family members.
If he comes to know Christ in this way, Christ will become near and dear to his soul for the rest of his life.
Hieroschemamonk Sergius (Chetverikov)
The faith of parents cannot remain fruitless for children when, in need and poverty, they say with tears in their eyes: “What to do? Be the will of God"; in case of danger: “God is merciful”; in difficult circumstances: “God will help”; with success and joy: “Thank God, God sent.” Here, God’s goodness, God’s providence, and God’s justice are always confessed in everything. Isn't this a living teaching about God and His properties?
His Eminence Ambrose, Bishop of Kharkov
The mother, to whom all the love and tenderness of the child is addressed, stands with reverence before the icon of the Savior and prays, and the child looks first at her, then at the image and does not need long explanations of what this means. This is the first silent lesson of knowledge of God, the first and most important lesson of piety.
Saint Luke (Voino-Yasenetsky)
The most important thing for raising children is that they see their parents living a great inner life.
Priest Alexander Elchaninov
Instead of scrupulously and scholastically doing housework - soulless things - it is better for a mother to start raising children. Let her talk to them about Christ, read them the lives of the saints. At the same time, she must engage in cleansing her soul - so that she too can shine spiritually. The spiritual life of a mother will imperceptibly and silently help the souls of her children. In this way, her children will live joyfully, and she herself will be happy, because she will have Christ in herself. If a mother cannot even find a time to read “Holy God,” how will her children be sanctified?
Venerable Paisiy Svyatogorets
My mother taught me the Jesus Prayer. When we, as children, did some prank and she was ready to get angry, I heard her begin to pray out loud: “Lord Jesus Christ, have mercy on me.” When placing bread in the oven, the mother said: “In the name of Christ and the Most Holy Theotokos.” While kneading dough and preparing food, she also constantly said the Jesus Prayer. Thus she herself was sanctified, the bread and food that she prepared were sanctified, and those who ate them were sanctified.
Venerable Paisiy Svyatogorets
If parents - even if they are very primitive in faith, even if they do not understand very much, except for some basic things - with all their being, and heart, and mind, and will, that is, the life that they lead, strived for God and for perfection, the child will learn from them everything he needs to learn. And this is absolutely clear from the lives of the saints, because there are almost no saints whose parents were saints before them and raised their children in holiness. Yes, there is St. Sergius of Radonezh and his parents, and there are a number of other saints. But for the most part, the parents of the saints were people of simple, integral faith, sound morality, who raised the child in piety, in love for God, and on this foundation, going into this soil, this boy or girl, the teenager blossomed and became a saint.
Metropolitan Anthony of Sourozh
One of the most important tasks of education is to teach a child self-control, that is, so that he does not give in to every impulse, every impulse. And for this, the parents themselves must be like that. Because a child cannot invent this in his head, but when he sees that his parents are like this, he can be inspired to imitate them. I think it all comes down to what the Apostle James said in his letter a long time ago: Show me your faith without your works, and I will show you my faith without my works.
(James 2:18)… The child sees, the child experiences what is happening around him. When his parents give him good instructions, and he sees that his parents themselves do not apply what they teach him, he begins to understand that it is enough to say one thing, and he can live his own way. And this is completely destructive, because the foundations that are laid in early childhood then serve as the support for the entire building.
Metropolitan Anthony of Sourozh
A child should be able to look at his parents and see that what he is told actually lives in them. They may be imperfect - the child understands this very well, but they strive to live by faith, and this constitutes the meaning and content of their life... So that he sees in them goodness, honesty, those qualities that are simply human, but which are already on the brink holiness, if only a spark of God touches them.
Metropolitan Anthony of Sourozh
The good example of parents raises children and leads them to salvation. Parents must give themselves to God's love, become saints for the sake of their children - meek, patient, full of love. Every day should be filled with joyful inspiration and love for children. And the joy that will come to parents, the holiness that will visit them, will shine in their children with grace. Parents themselves are usually to blame for children's bad behavior. Neither advice, nor discipline, nor severity can save children. If parents do not strive for holiness and do not fight for it, then they inevitably make big mistakes and pass on to their children the evil that they have within themselves. If parents do not live holy lives, if they do not treat their children with love, then the devil torments them with the resistance of their children. Love, unanimity, mutual understanding of parents - this is what children need most of all, as well as complete security and confidence.
Elder Porfiry Kavsokalivit
Children need holy people nearby who have great love, who will not intimidate them or limit themselves to teaching, but will set a holy example and say prayer.
Elder Porfiry Kavsokalivit
During the German occupation, the Germans took children from Russia and used them for work. One of my comrades, Vanya, who later became Bishop Sylvester in America, was admitted to such a group of children because he spoke German. Among these children I met a boy of about 10-11 years old, who amazed him by the fact that his thoughts were, as it were, shaped by the Gospel and that he often used forms of speech that were not quotations from the Gospel, but were so reminiscent of the Gospel thought that my friend recalled him to the side and says: “Listen, you’re so small—how do you know the Gospel so well?” The boy replied: “The Gospel? And what is it? Never heard". Vanya tells him: “The Gospel is a book that talks about the life and teachings of Jesus Christ.” - “Who is this?” And, continuing his questioning, Vanya discovered that this boy’s parents were believers. It was Stalin's time, it was too dangerous to give him any kind of religious education; at school they might have asked him, like other children were asked: do you know who God is? Do you know that? do you know this? - and he would betray his parents. And the parents made it a rule never
, at least in front of him, do not say anything that would not be in tune with the truth of the Gospel. And he perceived the Gospel as the norm of life, not as some people’s “teaching” about someone or something, but “this is how people think,” “this is how my parents feel.” And when Bishop Sylvester gave him the Gospel, he began to read: “Yes, yes, that’s how it is...”.
This is the truest education that can be given to a child. And when a child sees that parents live at their level in one way, and when they descend to his level and begin to live differently, he immediately understands that all this is a lie, a forgery, that all religious education is only a way to gain power over him.
Metropolitan Anthony of Sourozh
— How to help a child join the Church if you yourself came to Church late?
- Help those to follow the path of salvation themselves. The words of St. Seraphim of Sarov, that around the one who is being saved, hundreds of others are being saved, are infinitely true for all life situations, including family ones. Next to a real righteous person, a person is more likely to light up with faith and learn what the light of the joy of Christianity is than with a barely smoldering cinder.
Archpriest Maxim Kozlov
The main educational factor is nothing other than the inner world of parents. As Sofya Sergeevna Kulomzina accurately formulated this principle, the main thing that is passed on to children is the hierarchy of values in the souls of their parents. Reward and punishment, shouting and the most subtle pedagogical techniques matter immeasurably less than the hierarchy of values. ‹…› Let us decide to assert: in the matter of education, not only and not so much a personal example is important - after all, an example can be created artificially, modeled - but rather the structure of the soul of educators. ‹…› It is impossible to diminish the importance of personal example in education, but it is effective only when it is the implementation and embodiment of the hierarchy of values in the souls of educators. This is the foundation. And the practice of education should be built on it - specific actions, events, ideas.
Children, not superficially, not on a behavioral level, but in the depths of their hearts, will accept the religious worldview of their parents only when the commandment in their hearts is dominant: I am the Lord your God... May you not be gods other than Me
(Ex. 20:2, 3). ‹…› Truly, “acquire a peaceful spirit, and thousands around you will be saved” - these words of St. Seraphim of Sarov should become the motto of every educator.
Archpriest Mikhail Shpolyansky
Children imitate adults, and we must not only tell them, but also show them what a family is, we must teach them by example, then the older children will see how mom does this, how dad does that... They look at relationships, see how dad is inferior to mom in some ways, mom listens to dad, how they communicate with the elderly. Here is a grandmother - a Komsomol member of the forties with very strange ideas about life, and the children see how their parents talk to this half-crazy grandmother, patiently, politely, but not allowing her to interfere. Children learn all this in the family, and if they are not taught, they perceive what is in the world around them. ‹…› And they leave the family, where there is no love, but only lectures, reproaches, and tediousness.
Archpriest Dimitry Smirnov
The whole life of children should unfold against the backdrop of a family, where they see the ideal relationship of father to mother, mother to father, grandfather to his daughter or son. You need to think through your role from a Christian point of view... and create skills in your life.
Archpriest Dimitry Smirnov
There is no need to persuade [teenagers], you need to pray yourself, and the children will see that dad is praying and mom is praying, that they are discussing this. If a child has some problem, let’s pray. And when the Lord helps solve this problem - a prayer of gratitude so that the child feels. ‹…› A child should know both prayer and [God’s] answer to it, and how to give thanks.
Archpriest Dimitry Smirnov
Children cannot be deceived. Therefore, if we do not show them by our personal example who Christ is, we can drive them to the temple as much as we want - the effect will be the opposite, they will leave the temple. But if a child sees his own father, full of love, who gives himself to the child, his wife, and neighbors, he immediately poses the question: why is my dad like this? How did he do it? Why does everyone love my dad, everyone respects him, why is he the center of attention of all people? And by some means of God he will understand that this comes from the temple, from his faith, from his love for Christ. And then he too will come to Christ. This is the only way.
Monk Ermolai (Chezhia)
— How can you help children feel the reality of God, how can you talk to them about God?
— Our line of behavior in these matters should be generally the same as all of our behavior in terms of raising children. You don’t need to set a special educational task, you don’t need to write special guidelines for your spouse, and you definitely need to read a lot of special books. The experience of Communion with God, in a certain sense, is acquired only by a person himself, including a child; no one will pray instead of him, no one instead of him will be able to hear the words of the Gospel the way millions of Orthodox Christians have already heard them over two thousand years.
But, on the other hand, you can help a little person, bring him close to God. To do this, we just need to live next to each other as an Orthodox Christian, without being false and without forgetting that through us our children can be tempted or, on the contrary, be drawn to what we consider the main thing in life. And everything else is particular.
Archpriest Maxim Kozlov
—What should the religious education of children consist of?
— First of all, in the example of parental life. If there is no this example, but there is everything else - a children's Bible, an attempt to instill the habit of morning and evening prayers, regular attendance at worship, Sunday school or even an Orthodox gymnasium, but there is no Christian life for parents, what was previously called a “quiet pious life”, then nothing will make children believers and church members. And this is the main thing that Orthodox parents should not forget.
Archpriest Maxim Kozlov
When children come to church, they partly see some kind of fairy tale there. It cannot be supported or specially created. But there is no need to destroy it. It’s just that from this state we need to transfer the child into reality, into the real experience of a meeting between man and God. But this can only be done by a parent who has had a real meeting with God, who deeply knows internally what faith is, what this faith is, what the Gospel is.
Archpriest Alexy Uminsky
For some reason, parents think that simply giving their children Holy Communion often is good. That's why they come, give communion to the children, but do not receive communion themselves. What impression does a child have who receives communion like this all the time? ‹…› They tell children that the most important thing in life is Communion, this great sacrament. The children hear this, but at the same time they see that the parents themselves do not receive communion.
...A simple pedagogical scheme works here: what is valuable for parents will be valuable for the child. And not vice versa. And therefore, parents must take communion with their child. So that children can see how happy and good adults are. This is the only way to teach children to love the temple and Communion.
Archpriest Alexy Uminsky
Raising a child must begin with working on yourself. There are famous proverbs: “Oranges are not picked from an aspen tree” and “An apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.” How we would like to see our children in the future is how we should be now, when our children live and communicate with us. We must teach by example of life.
Archpriest Pavel Gumerov
It's bad if the father or mother smokes. But it’s even worse if they throw cigarette butts out the car window or under their feet while walking. This is disrespect for everyone who walks the same road, and especially for the janitor who sweeps this road in the morning. Cleaning up all the trash after a picnic, carefully putting out the fire - all this is very educational. This includes respect for the people who will come here to relax after us, and respect for nature. Where life is harsh and human habitations are far from each other, caring thoughts about strangers, about random travelers, are the key to survival. Food and matches are left for them in winter huts. For their sake, in the mountains, when leaving, they did not lock the doors and left bread on the table. But urban culture erases from life the thought of one’s neighbor and concern for him. So, it's a matter of education.
Archpriest Andrey Tkachev
