About the sore point: what to do if a close friend dies

A person in grief finds himself isolated: the phone in his house does not ring, people begin to avoid him. Why is this happening? You often hear: “My friend’s loved one died. I want to help, but I don’t even know what to say.” People are afraid not only of death, but also of people who experience the death of a loved one. It is clear that communicating with them now will not bring pleasure, and there will be a lot of inconvenience.

STAGES OF GRIEF

Grieving after the death of a loved one has fairly clearly defined stages, through which a person learns to manage his grief and maintain mental health. In this process, many things may seem strange to the person and others (“is he going crazy with grief?”). It is necessary to know the features of these stages in order to understand: the normal work of grief is going on inside, to track possible “stuckness” at one of the stages and, if this happens, to seek professional help.

Folk tradition: what to do to prevent the deceased from taking it with him

In former times, when death and farewell to the deceased took place at home, they tried to take all possible measures to ensure that the transition to another world did not affect the life and health of the household. A number of signs and customs have developed:

• If a person with his eyes open dies, they must be closed so that he does not notice his fellow traveler.
• While the body of the deceased lies in the house, you cannot wash, wash, or take out garbage from the house. Otherwise, they will take everyone out one by one.
• All mirrors must be covered, turned toward the wall, or even taken out of the deceased’s room. Also pour out all the water that is in the house. In order not to invite a new death, the soul of the deceased should not be reflected in any mirror surfaces.
• It’s not good if the deceased’s feet are warm or his body is not numb - he’s calling, which means he’s in no hurry to leave.
• If the coffin is too large, there will be a new deceased in the family.
• Under the table on which the deceased lies, you need to place a container with salt, put scissors on top of it, so that none of the household goes to the next world.
• In the house, the lid on the coffin is not nailed down, so as not to invite a new funeral.
• The things of living relatives are not placed in the coffin.
• When the coffin is carried out, in order to avert death, the floors must be washed and water must be poured where people do not go. This should be done by a stranger to the house.
• Relatives of the deceased cannot carry the coffin.
• Those who walk in the funeral procession should not look back, look at their house and its windows. This is how the living dead are called into the world.
• It’s a bad sign that the grave turned out to be larger than the coffin. This is for a new deceased among his relatives.
• A collapsed grave warns of a new death in the family.
• Returning home from the funeral, they immediately warm their hands by the stove or over a candle flame, over a lit gas burner. This is how death is taken away from home.
• You cannot carry the things of the deceased, otherwise it will be easy for him to take the living with him through such a thing.

In general, in folk traditions, the most ancient, still pagan ideas about the world of the dead and the unkind disposition of the deceased coexist peacefully with the Christian faith and church rituals.

WHAT TO TELL A CHILD

“Recently, my granddaughter’s parents died in a car accident. The granddaughter is 4 years 6 months old, she is still alive, but has fractures of her right arm and right leg. At night, Katenka is hysterical: “I want to go to mom, dad, home, it hurts, don’t, don’t touch me.” Tell your granddaughter how to answer questions: where are her parents, when will they come to take her home, and how to calm her down.

Sincerely, grandfather Ivan"

Adults left to take care of the child are often at a loss: should they tell the child about the loss or not tell them yet? Should I take it with me to the cemetery or not?

The main thing is to tell the truth and do it in a timely manner. The child understands that something terrible has happened, the whole reality around him speaks about it. But while he doesn’t know for sure, he still has hope that is not destined to come true. If the news of the loss comes after a lapse of time, all the stages of grief that the relatives have already gone through begin with a delay in the child. But this can only be compounded by resentment towards relatives because they did not tell the truth. And it is much better if the child experiences grief together with his family. Therefore, find the strength within yourself and tell your child what happened.

A friend died. How to survive?

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Reader question:

Hello father. Help me, please, I’m in a lot of pain right now, and I don’t know how I can continue to live now. I am 20 years old, I often go to church, confess and receive communion. A young altar boy served in our church. He was not married, we often communicated and were very friendly, corresponded on social networks. He treated me very well, often helped me and gave me a lot of good advice.

Unfortunately, he recently died. I cry constantly, it’s very hard and painful for me, I lost my good and only friend. It’s even more painful because I accidentally deleted our correspondence with him on social networks. He wrote me a lot of good things, gave me good advice, congratulated me on church holidays... It was not possible to restore the correspondence. She would be the only memory of our friendship with him. I'm desperate. What should I do now? How to get out of this despondency? After all, he won’t write to me anymore.

Nastya

Archpriest Andrey EFANOV

Archpriest Andrei Efanov answers:

Dear Nastenka, my condolences! Losing a close friend is very difficult, it is pain, heaviness and acuteness of loss. Pray for your friend and that the Lord will help you get through this moment, lean on the Lord in these difficult days!

As for the correspondence, it’s a shame! But you know, I have heard more than once how, after the loss of a loved one, similar things happened, for example, the computer broke down, so much so that it was impossible to restore the photographs of the deceased saved on it. And afterward, the person who had this happen said that at first there was a feeling of everything collapsing, and then he realized that otherwise he would have spent all day looking at these photographs, and it would have been much worse.

The memory of a person lives not only and not so much in material things, but in the imprint that communication with him left on your soul. You had a lot of conversations with your friend, some jokes, joys, moments known only to you, and so on. And all this has not died, it lives in you, no matter what happens with correspondence and other things, this is absolutely certain. You probably remember the good advice he gave you, you learned a lot from him, adopted good things. It will be a memory of your friend if you follow these good tips and apply what you have learned in your own life.

And yet, the job of a living person is to live. The one whose life has ended needs our prayers and has other concerns beyond life, but for us, the living, concerns are life, which should be as complete, joyful, healthy and fulfilling as possible. The joy and fullness of life is not a betrayal of the memory of a friend, it is, on the contrary, a continuation of the memory of him. And I really wish you, with God’s help, to spend your life this way—not in despondency, but in joy. Now, after death, there is a period of pain and tears, but then you need to, you just need to get out of it. Remember this, ask God and help and get out to the bright side.

God help you!

PETS

“My question may seem stupid to you, but I am very worried whether I did the right thing. My old dog had cancer. And I put her to sleep, now I regret it. I was tormented by my conscience, how could I take the life of a living creature. I remember her eyes all the time. It was as if she felt it was the end. She was very devoted to me, and I betrayed her.

Lyudmila, 25 years old"

The death of a pet is sometimes extremely painful, and owners go through similar stages of grief. It is especially difficult when they have to make the decision themselves that their pet should be euthanized. Owners who have made a difficult decision and are experiencing it need to think that perhaps if the animal could speak, it itself would ask you about it.

Apparently, it lived a happy life next to you; euthanasia in this case was not a betrayal, but only a release from torment. It found a quick, painless death, the best of deaths, given the diagnosis. Experiences indicate that you made this difficult decision with love for your pet, wanting to save him from suffering. Now, to help ease the pain, do something in memory of the animal. You can, for example, buy something for a dog shelter.

Esoteric judgments about the ability of the deceased to take the living with them

Supporters of a mystical view of the world and experts in magical rituals mostly believe that the deceased himself cannot take anyone with him. This requires “help” from the living, provided accidentally, out of ignorance or intentionally, for a specific purpose. Such “helping” actions include, for example, uncovered mirrors in the house of the deceased, things of living people placed in a coffin, and, conversely, things of the deceased that are worn by the living.

Supporters of the New Age movement, in opposition to each and every deadly mystical influence, argue that as long as a living person retains the potential for major achievements, no force will take him to another world before the due date.

Conducting a funeral

For a funeral you need to buy clothes and shoes for the deceased, a coffin, a set of bed linen, a bedspread, a pillow, a wooden gravestone cross, wreaths, and other paraphernalia. The funeral agent will offer a comprehensive funeral plan or individual types of mourning products and services. If the family of a deceased person is limited in funds, the funeral director will be able to select a set of mourning accessories and necessary services for a well-deserved burial, including:

• a coffin draped with fabric, a tombstone cross;
• beds and covers for the coffin;
• a set of required ritual paraphernalia;
• funeral team to carry the coffin;
• hearse and bus for transporting people saying goodbye.

How to communicate with people who are experiencing the death of a loved one right now

“I understand how you feel now” is an initially false phrase.”

KYKY: Let's first talk about the situation when a person experiencing death asks not to touch him at all. Doesn't open the door, doesn't answer calls. Is it worth disturbing his peace or should he be left alone?

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Tatyana Eliseeva: It is impossible to find an answer that is equally suitable for everyone. Therefore, I propose to “agree” that the hero of our story is an adult, capable, mentally healthy person who is experiencing the death of a loved one. Perhaps one universal piece of advice can still be given - with any person in any situation it is important to be sincere at any stage of interaction. If your friend, relative, who has recently experienced the death of a loved one, avoids communication, then, in my opinion, it is important to leave him the right to live his grief in the way he chooses.

Cover photo: Tina Signesdottir Hult

The fact is that often the participation of other people (clichéd phrases, generally accepted rituals) outwardly looks like support, but in fact only aggravates the suffering of the grieving person and contributes not to living with subsequent liberation, but to the repression of grief. Intuitively, this is precisely what a person experiencing a loss can isolate himself from—not from communication in general, but from other people’s hypocrisy, from insincerity, from other people’s fears.

Tatyana Eliseeva

KYKY: How often should you “pull” a friend? Is there some kind of time frame - conventional etiquette, when contact once a week will be considered indifference, and every day - already intrusiveness?

T.E.: Neither the word “pull” nor the word “etiquette” seem appropriate to me in this case. Here is exactly the situation when the most adequate and healing manifestation can be sincerity of motives and transparency of intentions. If you just want to demonstrate your participation in order to maintain etiquette, admit it honestly to yourself and ask yourself: “Will the other person really feel better from my artificial concern? Will my regular calls “just for show” help him? Am I ready to support him in the way that he needs, and not in the way that benefits me?” Only a sincere desire to take part in this situation can be a good help. And no one knows how often it will occur to you: maybe every day, maybe once a week, or maybe never. Honesty with yourself is important here.

KYKY: Let's talk about a simple phone call. How to start a conversation? "Hi, how are you?" – sounds like a mockery, stupid, obviously. “What are you doing?”, “How are you feeling”? – so what questions are good to start a conversation with someone who is experiencing grief? Which words of encouragement are appropriate and which are not? Many people are irritated by the word “hold on” - it is impersonal, indifferent.

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T.E.: An excellent question - indeed, in such situations people pronounce a lot of cliche phrases “automatically”, without thinking at all about what feelings they evoke in the other. Cheerful “Hold on!” is one of those phrases. She doesn't mean anything. How to hold on? For whom or for what? “I understand how you feel now” is an initially false phrase; no one will ever be able to experience the feelings of another in the same way. Every person is unique. “A year has already passed, and you still cry” is a phrase that devalues ​​the feelings of the grieving person.

It is generally accepted that the experience of grief lasts from six months to two years, but in fact there is no time limit allowed for the experience of grief.

In my practice, there have been cases where the pain of loss did not go away either after three years, or after 10 or even 15 years. It is not time that heals, but the ability to realize and live your feelings, the ability to accept the fact of loss, the ability to organize your life without the deceased, the ability to look into the future and live a full life, despite the loss.

Many other similar phrases can provoke even greater suffering for the griever than relief. What words are more appropriate?

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"Hi! How are you today? How are you feeling now? is a good phrase that can encourage your friend to share his feelings. If he doesn't brush you off with a "Fine" response, then be prepared to actually listen to his difficult experiences. Don't interrupt - let them talk, get ready to repeat the details of the story many times. This is one of the important stages of experiencing grief. Don't expect quick relief: coping with loss is a truly long-term process. Don’t dissuade “Well, don’t cry!” - let him cry. This is fine! Do not devalue the event of loss: “Thank God that you at least have children.” Don't suddenly switch the conversation to another topic - notice when the level of your internal tension reaches its peak and share this with your friend, it will be honest. Tell him: “I really feel for you! But you know, I now realized that I am not ready to talk about this any further - too many of my own painful feelings are rising to the surface. I don’t know how to deal with them myself.” After all, you are not a psychologist with specialized knowledge and professional experience, and you should not take responsibility for accompanying the grief of another person - allow yourself not to do this without feeling guilty. Find other ways to support if you want. Or reserve the right not to participate in this situation at all if there are not enough internal resources. Be gentle with yourself. Any of your feelings are also worthy of respect.

“I’m not ready to talk to you about your experiences. Don’t you consider this indifference on my part?”

KYKY: It doesn’t matter whether it’s a personal meeting or a telephone conversation – is it worth touching on the topic of loss or should you try to talk about abstract topics?

T.E.: If you can stand conversations on the topic of death, then it’s worth it. The fact is that a person who has lost a loved one thinks about him all the time. And the people around him are most often engaged in trying to distract him from these thoughts - antidepressants, alcohol, empty entertainment, extraneous topics, the far-fetched importance of some matters. They themselves experience awkwardness at the sight of other people's tears and helplessness when talking about the deceased and therefore strive to quickly calm the grieving person with the sole purpose of restoring emotional balance to themselves. As a result, a person becomes even more isolated in his unrequited grief; a psychological wall arises between him and those around him, a painful atmosphere of omissions, tension and artificially chosen topics.

KYKY: The same question, with the deepening of the emotions of an outsider. For example, I am afraid to touch on the topic of death, which a person is currently experiencing. It’s easier for me not to ask about anything related to this story, but at the same time, isn’t this perceived as indifference on my part?

T.E.: Avoiding conversations about death is generally characteristic of our society. This is a taboo topic. Death is perceived by many people as an inevitable evil, as the opposite of life, and not its natural consequence. When faced with the event of loss in the lives of other people, a person experiences a wide range of not the most pleasant feelings - fear of his own death, fear of the death of his loved ones, anxiety about possible illness and inevitable old age, a feeling of his own helplessness in the face of insurmountable existential givens, the need to take responsibility for his own life . More often than not, people choose not to think about these things, and the death of someone we know confronts us with these difficult topics.

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Regarding “not asking anything related to this story at all.” If I decide not to ask, but at the same time it’s important to me how the other person perceives it, then I can always ask him: “Listen, I’m not ready to talk to you about your experiences, but I’m very worried whether you consider this indifference.” from my side?". In each specific case you will hear a different answer. Of course, in this matter there is more selfish (which does not mean “bad”!) concern for oneself than for another person. In other words, I want to make sure that people are not thinking badly of me when I have decided to respect my feelings and have decided not to discuss the topic of death.

KYKY: What does true support look like? Let's imagine that there is a desire to do right by someone who is experiencing grief at the moment, but we don't know how. What is right and what is the right thing to do, do, say in such a situation?

T.E.: If you are a psychologically mature, emotionally stable person, and really want to help, then find the courage to thoroughly discuss the topic of death, without forcing it or expecting that the person will quickly overcome his suffering. Remember that questions about the deceased are not tactless. They just encourage the expression of natural feelings, thoughts of memories. They allow you to speak out. It makes sense to talk about this repeatedly until this topic loses its frightening, painful meaning for a person.

At this moment, they can express a variety of thoughts and feelings - a lack of understanding why a loved one died (if the death occurred suddenly); fear of life without him and a feeling of helplessness; anger and hatred towards the deceased “for leaving us”; feeling of guilt for something not done on time (did not ask for forgiveness, did not say something important, did not pay attention to the request, etc.); memories of past grievances that can no longer be spoken; regret about what will never happen; fear of one's own death; feeling of the meaninglessness of life. When talking about these topics, it is important not to convince a person: “Stop feeling guilty!”, “Think about the children!”, “Stop suffering!” It is better to express conscious presence, non-judgment and warmth: “I am here. I'm near. I am ready to listen to all the feelings you want to share.”

“It’s important to avoid being the overprotective parent or the lifesaver.”

I.E.:

You can ask open-ended questions to encourage the expression of feelings and direct the flow of the conversation:
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Homeschooling as a way to protect your child from the school system “What do you think your loved one would say to you about this?” “If he were alive, how would he react to your hopeless suffering?” “What would he tell you to do?” “Tell me about the bright moments when you were happy together.” “What did he teach you by his example, by his life?” “What do you think was the meaning of his life? What good things did he leave behind: deeds, actions, a mark on the souls of his loved ones?” “What did you realize after he left?” “What do you think is the meaning of death?” “What will you do in the name of his blessed memory?” “How will you manage without him now?” “What is inside you and in the world around you that can help you cope?” “When your pain subsides, what will you fill your life with?”

If the nature of your relationship allows, then do not neglect physical contact - hugs, stroking, intimacy.

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Close people can provide other care that will help overcome feelings of loneliness. A good way to support is to ask: “How else can I help you?” If there is no answer, then delicately offer your options, but do not insist - help within your means with the children and housework; walks in a quiet place; short trip; meeting with friends (without alcohol); health care, massage; bodily practices (yoga, qigong); learning something new; the opportunity to just come, be together, hug, be silent.

If you decide to offer such help, it is important to refrain from playing the role of an overprotective parent or an all-around rescuer. Otherwise, you can do a disservice to your friend - strengthen him in the role of a child or victim. Surely there are things that, despite painful feelings, he is able to do on his own - do not deprive him of the opportunity to continue to bear responsibility for this.

KYKY: I remember when I was faced with such a situation, many friends were embarrassed to laugh in front of me. It seems to us that we are obliged to reflect the one who is feeling bad right now. But is it? Or maybe it’s still inappropriate to be cheerful next to someone who is experiencing death?

T.E.: Only one thing is appropriate - to be natural. Any communication is valuable for its sincerity. Live as you live, and do not forget to look around - how do your spontaneous manifestations affect loved ones? Suddenly your natural smile or spontaneous joke will be a reminder to someone that life goes on, no matter what.

Preparing for a funeral, what to do after sending the body to the pathology department?

The house becomes empty and gloomy after the deceased is sent to the morgue. Only relatives cannot grieve tirelessly. You need to gather your strength and do everything to honorably see your loved one off on his last journey. To do this, you need to call a funeral agent, discuss with other relatives where to bury, where to hold the wake. Organizing a funeral with the help of city funeral service agents will greatly facilitate the participation of relatives.

Where to contact?

Funeral specialists will advise or obtain a stamp of death certificate themselves and collect other required documents. To obtain an official document, you need to contact the registry office with a medical certificate, the deceased’s passport and your document. To receive benefits from the state, contact the social protection department or the Pension Fund. Funeral agents know how to get funeral benefits in a short time, they can do it.

What not to do?

The market for mourning services is represented by many official agencies that have established themselves as worthy performers of funeral activities. They have large stocks of mourning products in warehouses, have their own funeral transport, and trained agents. Here you can officially order services and receive a payment receipt. Relatives of deceased people cannot rely on the promises of random ritual agents who themselves came to the house or accidentally appeared along the way. They may turn out to be scammers who can promise cheap services and high discounts. In reality it may not be at all what they say. Don't give anyone money in advance! There will be no one to ask for the quality of services, their quantity. Just as random agents suddenly appeared, so suddenly they will disappear without answering phone calls.