What to say to a person whose loved one has died - words of comfort to support

Although there are several billion people living on Earth, no one has yet achieved immortality. Death is a natural process. After all, death unites all the people of our planet - both poor and rich - and no matter how sad it is, we will all die someday. This is a pattern. Just like the fact that each of us will be destined to experience the death of dear and close people. Or support those who have suffered this grief.

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Unfortunately, not everyone knows how to provide support correctly, so that it has a positive impact on the state of the grieving person. In this article we will help you figure out what to say to a person whose loved one has died.

What to say to a person who has lost a loved one?

A person who has experienced bereavement experiences mental suffering and only sincere consolations help in the current situation. There are no exact words to give to grieving friends. Because the words we say and our actions always depend on the personal relationship with the person who is grieving and whether we ourselves have experienced the same great grief? Certain statements and actions are also determined based on how well we knew the deceased. In fact, it is not so important what to say to a person, the main thing is that our experiences are sincere.

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When communicating with a person who is mourning the deceased, one must also apply psychological components, which include concepts such as sympathy and empathy. With sympathy, we sympathize with someone we know, but we ourselves have never been in a similar situation and, accordingly, we have no right to express full understanding. Empathy lies in the fact that we have already experienced a similar misfortune, and, having compassion for a person, we thoroughly know about his experiences.

So what do you say if a person dies? All this is individual in each case, and largely depends on the reasons already mentioned.

• If you knew the deceased well, you can remember him together, present his ideas and actions. In general, commemorations were established for this purpose, to mention a person and talk about him.
• And sometimes you can support the grieving person by listening to him for a long time and calmly. It is advisable to just be there, despite the fact that he may cry, blame himself and retell the same events many times. You need to strive to talk to him about everyday topics and constantly listen.

It should also not be forgotten that a person experiencing a bereavement may be rude to others and, accordingly, during this period of crisis, you should not bother him with your participation, especially if it is not effective. In such an environment, he can ask not to touch him and leave him alone.

It is necessary to show sincere sensitivity to the grieving person, as well as offer help that is necessary and specific. Recommend what you can actually do. Speaking abstractly about help will lead to misunderstanding. And a specific action that a helping person is ready to do can provide invaluable help.

The most significant thing that needs to be emphasized is that only an open heart and a sincere desire to help will suggest the only correct direction in behavior with a grieving person.

What you need to know for grief support

In this situation, you need to understand that, unfortunately, there is no recipe to quickly calm a person who has suffered a bereavement. The only effective way to improve his condition is to be with him for a long time until the pain subsides. In the first days there are always people ready to help at the funeral, listen and share their experiences. But all memorial rituals and organizational efforts end, and the person is left alone with his grief. How he will act in such a situation depends on his age, health, and past life losses.

Bereavement inevitably causes grief, and the time it takes to overcome it is different for everyone. The sudden death of a loved one is more difficult to experience. First, the person experiences shock, which develops into a crisis, manifested in denial of the fact of death, anger, accusations, anxiety and other emotions that soften the pain of loss. Then he accepts the fact of the death of a loved one, but it is a mistake to think that this is where the process ends. There is still a long way to go to overcome grief. It is very important to have support throughout this time.

The most popular words of consolation are: Hold on!, Be strong!

Often, the first words of consolation that come to mind are:

• Be strong!
• Hold on!
• Take heart!
• My condolences!
• Any help?
• Oh, what a horror... Well, hold on.

In most cases, a stalemate arises and we don’t know how to behave further or what to talk about. We understand perfectly well that the situation cannot be changed and no one can return the loss.

Despite severe personal losses, life goes on for others. And in this situation, the most effective will be sincerity regarding the grieving person, which will help in his grief. There is no need to advise him to be strong, or to hold back tears, he needs to be accepted as he is at the present time - weak, unhappy and ugly from his experiences. A person must realize and feel that even in this state he is dear to his loved ones and that he is allowed to grieve and show weakness.

"How can I help you?"

Nadezhda Kuzmina, AiF.ru: How to help a relative in the first moments when he first learned the diagnosis?

Irina Savenkova: For everyone, without exception, the news of a serious diagnosis, which entails complex and lengthy treatment, is always a shock. It takes weeks, even months, for some to accept this. These days a person wants to hear words of support: “Everything will be fine. I’m close”, “We are together”. A person, like a helpless kitten, does not know where to go or how to act. Take some of the troubles on yourself - look for clinics, find doctors who are knowledgeable about the disease. In other words, pull up all the information available. If a person goes to look for it on the Internet, his condition can only worsen - he will start reading “horror stories”. You can keep a “cool mind” and help you choose the right treatment tactics in the future.

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Difficult diagnosis. What you can and cannot say to a patient

— What should you not say or do to avoid further psychological trauma? How to find words of support without pity?

- There is no need to distance yourself from the person. These are all phrases like: “Hold on,” “Everything will be fine.” They have no basis in reality. How are you holding up? For what? And what does good mean and when will it happen? There is no need to downplay the depth of human suffering. After all, even everyone’s pain threshold is different, and we cannot know how much pain/scary/bad a person really is. It’s better at this moment to simply ask: “How exactly can I help you?” Sometimes simple words are enough - “I sympathize with you” and the simplest actions - drink tea together, help prepare breakfast or dinner, discuss the latest news. There is no need to read morals, offer self-medication recipes overheard from someone or read on the Internet. You just need human communication - invite someone for a cup of coffee in a cafe, give them a gift. Books about people who have suffered serious illnesses and overcome them will provide good support and motivation.

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You are strong!

• How he holds up!
• How strong she is!
• You are strong, you endure everything so courageously...

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There are times when people who have experienced the loss of a loved one do not shed tears for him during the funeral procession. On the contrary, he has a reaction opposite to what was expected - he is in a calm state and at the same time keeps a smile on his face. Contrary to the erroneous belief that this is all characteristic of a strong person, it is worth noting that these signs indicate the most severe phase of stress. It will be possible to speak about the end of the first stage of stress only when the person starts screaming and starts crying.

A striking example of this behavior is an excerpt from Sokolov-Mitrich’s report about relatives of the Kursk crew:

“Several young sailors and three people who looked like relatives were traveling with us. Two women and one man. Only one circumstance cast doubt on their involvement in the tragedy: they were smiling. And when we had to push the broken bus, the women even laughed and rejoiced, like collective farmers in Soviet films returning from the battle for the harvest. “Are you from the committee of soldiers’ mothers?” - I asked. “No, we are relatives.”

That evening I met military psychologists from the St. Petersburg Military Medical Academy. Professor Vyacheslav Shamrey, who worked with the relatives of those killed at Komsomolets, told me that this sincere smile on the face of a grief-stricken person is called “unconscious psychological defense.” On the plane on which the relatives flew to Murmansk, there was an uncle who, upon entering the cabin, rejoiced like a child: “Well, at least I’ll fly on the plane. Otherwise I’ve been sitting all my life in my Serpukhov district, I don’t see the white light!” This means that the uncle was very bad.

“We’re going to Sasha Ruzlev... Senior midshipman... 24 years old, second compartment,” after the word “compartment,” the women began to sob. “And this is his father, he lives here, he’s also a submariner, he’s been sailing all his life.” The name of? Vladimir Nikolayevich. Just don’t ask him anything, please.”

The question of whether there are people who are capable of not succumbing to the harmful effects of surging feelings of loss remains rhetorical. However, we can say that people who “hold on” are not strong-willed individuals, as they initially seem. Perhaps these are the people who have not yet experienced the first stage of stress and who will soon need to be supported.

Here and now

— How can you cope with stress when your loved one is seriously ill?

- In fact, relatives of seriously ill people also suffer and go through the same stages - from shock to denial and aggression. It even happens that a relative is physically ill, and loved ones receive such psychological trauma that the same organs themselves begin to suffer. Therefore, there can only be one piece of advice here - stay in the present, do not fantasize about various options for events and drive away gloomy thoughts. There is no need to bury anyone in advance! After all, at the moment your loved ones are alive, which means you can enjoy communicating with them. Whatever it may be, everyone is alive here and now!

Time heals - or is that not true?

You can often hear that time heals all wounds. Is it so? It's difficult to give a definite answer. At first, after a loved one has passed away, a person feels support from people who want to help and reassure. Over time, everyone continues to live their own lives, and they forget about this grief. Not a person who has experienced a loss - that’s when a difficult period begins for him.

According to one wise man, after surviving forty days from the death of a loved one, you begin to feel how important he was in your life. The realization comes that the person is no longer there, that it will never be the same again.

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And during this period, support is most necessary. You need someone who will listen, pay attention and care.

• Rules for holding funerals on the 40th day;
• Prayer for a widow;
• Prayer to the Mother of God for the health of loved ones.

Don't hide your diagnosis

“When I went on visits, relatives often met the doctor and me on the landing and whispered: “Don’t tell dad that he has oncology, that you are from a hospice.” In such cases, we answer: “Sorry, your dad is capable and sane. Who gave you the right to make decisions for him? A person must know what is happening in order to make his own decision,” emphasizes Tatyana Lysova. – People think that “this news will kill.” This is wrong. On the contrary, problems arise precisely in families where information is hidden: the ward does not understand what is happening, begins to blame the family and doctors for not being treated, but only being prescribed painkillers. Relatives don’t know what to say in response, and sometimes they begin fruitlessly taking them to doctors. This lie sucks in and aggravates the situation within the family.

We must accept and respect the right of a person to decide his own destiny. So sit next to me and say: “Dad, it’s time to talk - you have such an illness. Let’s do everything we can and let us go through this together.” At first, seriously ill people may not accept this, but, as a rule, after some time they will call you and say: “Go ahead - tell me.” It is necessary to provide all information openly, to tell what scenarios for the development of events are possible, so that a person makes an informed choice.

And then after his departure the family will have no remorse, because they did everything together and the final decision was made by the ward.

In addition, the period of care is a time for heart-to-heart conversations.

By hiding the truth, you deprive your loved one of the opportunity to tell you their secret. Maybe your father decided that when he dies, he will finally tell you words of love that he did not say during his life, thank you for everything. And you may never hear it.

What should you say to a person whose relative has died?

Everyone can provide support to a person who has lost a loved one. The main thing is to follow certain recommendations:

• Often it is enough just to listen - it is important for a person to express everything that he feels. In this case, you need to carefully delve into his story and ask questions as necessary. This will confirm that you are an active listener;
• If there have also been moments of loss in your life, be open - tell us about your experiences and feelings during those periods;
• Sometimes there are cases when someone who has experienced the loss of a loved one withdraws into himself. This is also normal. In this situation, sympathy can be expressed through silence and simply by your presence;
• If necessary, you can provide support not just with words, but with actions. Ask how you can help, what you can do for a person. This could be either help with household chores or going to the grocery store. Financial assistance will also not be superfluous, since organizing a funeral is a very expensive procedure;
• If the degree of your closeness to the person who has experienced a loss is quite distant, you should not avoid him, but you should not ask many questions either;
• If the grieving person is a believer, visit church together, take part in the service, read a prayer. You can also read literature on religious topics together or chat with a priest.

It's easier to let go

“When I started working at a hospice, I wanted to quit after two months, because it was hard to see death every day,” says the expert. “It seemed unfair to me that I do everything for the sick, and they die.” The priest who visited the patients, hearing my lamentations, said to me: “What are you, God? It is not for you to decide who lives and who dies. You came to help - so help, ease their suffering with your knowledge and skills.” And I stayed in the hospice for another 8 years. I want to say the same to my family: you are not gods, there is no need to try to speed up or delay the inevitable. Birth and death are a natural process, so you need to treat the departure of a loved one naturally. In Western culture they react to death more calmly, but we have the attitude: “A person should live forever, save, heal!” This approach deprives the family of peace during the last period of a loved one’s life and even after his death. Because then the search for those to blame begins. As a rule, they turn out to be doctors who “didn’t save.” I often heard from relatives: “If he had not agreed to chemotherapy, if he had been taken for surgery, he would have lived for a couple more years.” And then at the next visit: “If he had gone to chemotherapy, if he had not had surgery...” This attitude does not bring peace and does not alleviate suffering. You need to understand that there are incurable diseases and the natural course of things.

If your mother passes away - how to support

When a person’s mother dies, he can be overcome by emotions of varying degrees - from apathetic to hysterical. Sometimes you can observe inappropriate behavior in the mourner, which is absolutely normal in the early stages.

There are a number of recommendations on how friends can support the grieving:

• if possible, it is necessary to carefully and tactfully divert the attention of the person who has experienced the loss to other things and topics;
• Depending on the situation, you can support the person tactilely - you can take him by the hand or hug him. This will have a greater impact on some than just words;
• If a person needs to talk about his mother who left him, become an active listener. You can keep the conversation going by remembering the deceased in a positive way.

How to deal with a grieving person

Key behavior points:

• you need to listen without judgment, emphasizing a sincere desire to help express your grief;
• all a person’s feelings and fears must be taken seriously and be prepared that he may even be angry with you;
• encourage and emphasize that all people recover from grief;
• encourage conversation about the deceased and expression of feelings;
• do not be surprised and be tolerant of constant repetitions of the story of death, this is the only way to overcome grief;
• emphasize that sleep disturbances, appetite disturbances, and irritability are absolutely normal for this condition;
• help get rid of feelings of unreasonable guilt.

At the same time, it is important to maintain a certain distance and not plunge headlong into the problems of the mourner. And don’t be upset if, after overcoming grief, a person begins to communicate with you less often. It is important to end the support relationship in a timely manner. Moreover, sometimes people try to artificially prolong their grief because they like the increased attention and care of others.

If a person’s father died, what to say, how to help a friend

If you want to support someone who is coping with the loss of their father, follow these guidelines:

• if you are visited by compassion for the grieving person, share your feelings, do not hide them;
• if you want to wash away your grief with tears together with the person whose father died, cry. Just remember sincerity, this is a very important factor;
• If you are in a business relationship with a person who has suffered grief, or with someone who has left our world, then it is enough to speak warmly, but with restraint. Feel this fine line;
• Ask the bereaved person what you can do to help.

Help me finish everything

Seriously ill people may often ask the question: “Soon?”

“I usually answer like this: “As soon as you put everything in order: your thoughts, your soul, and your everyday life, so that the children don’t fight over the inheritance,” says Tatyana Lysova. – A long-term serious illness, in contrast to a hasty unexpected death, makes it possible to have time to ask for forgiveness, give orders, and say dear words.

The people leaving understand much more than we do. They become very wise. So talk to them and listen often. This is a very expensive time. Also, be attentive to their requests, even if they are unusual for you and disagree with your ideas. If a person wants spiritual literature or to take communion, provide this opportunity. Among my wards there was a general who was perplexed: he seemed to have completed all his work, taken care of everything, but he still wouldn’t leave. And then he looked at a book on a spiritual topic that was lying on the table with a bookmark in the middle, and he himself answered: “I probably didn’t finish reading it. I’ll read… slowly.” He left when he read the book to the end.

What to say to a dying person?

A conversation with a person who will soon leave earthly life can be quite difficult. The difficulty lies not only in the suffering of the person, but also in the fact that it is necessary to find the right words.

If this situation has become relevant for you, then we advise you to listen to some recommendations:

• When communicating with a dying person, honesty, sincerity and tact are required. Shift your attention from your words to the person's emotional needs. It will be just wonderful if you can open up your feelings to him and show your love;
• see if the patient has a desire to talk about death. If not, then you should not introduce this topic into the conversation;
• show your willingness to help. You can offer to read a book, get a massage, or bring food. If a person is against it, then there is no need to remind about it;
• forget about obsession, it’s not always good;
• avoid topics that may be painful for the dying person. Don’t be too frank - sometimes this can make a person suffer even more;
• keep your pain to yourself, do not add reasons for suffering to the dying person;
• Don't talk too much, and try to make eye contact;
• If the dying person has expressed a desire to speak, listen to him. You can talk together about past events and other memories;
• People in this position tend to talk about death, this is normal. Be honest, hypocrisy and deception are of no use;
• If a person understands that he will soon die, there is no need to try to convince him that he will soon recover.

To the believer

People who believe in God have a slightly different attitude towards death than ordinary people. Often their perception equates death with a joyful event. It is for this reason that a different approach must be taken to a patient who believes.

One of the important tips is that you should not force the conversation on a certain topic. Leave the choice in which direction to direct the conversation to the dying person. Just be an active listener, that's enough.

If a person has expressed a desire to talk about the Lord, death or heaven, talk to him about this topic with respect and understanding.

One of the requests of a dying believer may be to read passages from the Holy Scriptures or other spiritual Orthodox books. If it's not difficult, fulfill the request.

What to avoid:

• do not discuss issues about which you disagree, keep your opinions to yourself;
• do not cry in front of a sick person;
• do not tell the patient how hard it will be for you without him. Phrases like “Why are you leaving us…” are not appropriate. Focus on supporting the dying person. You can share with him the sayings of saints, martyrs or priests.

If the grief lasts

For most people experiencing grief, support from others and communication with those they trust are sufficient. In these situations, knowledge of typical reactions to death is sufficient. If you cannot spend a lot of time with your loved one, then you can turn to the help of a priest. Spiritual people have valuable experience communicating with the families of the deceased and know what a person needs in such a situation. Even atheists at such a moment accept what it seemed they would never accept.

You can find a thematic group on social networks for communication and support. Talking to other bereaved people can be very helpful. A person will be able to share his problems in an atmosphere of understanding.

If depression persists, psychotherapeutic assistance in the form of short-term therapy or psychoanalysis is necessary. It is important that the doctor examines the patient, understands the reasons, and not just prescribe pills. Medicines only slow down the process of experiencing, but do not solve the problem.

What do Muslims say?

The concept of death among Muslims also has its differences. In addition, they have a different ethic towards the dying.

One of the important actions that needs to be performed at the patient’s bedside is to read the words of the shahada, which in Arabic sound like this: “La Ilaha Illa Allah.” These words can help a person focus his attention on the fact that life in paradise awaits him.

There are a number of rules for how to read the Shahada:

• reading occurs in a whisper, unobtrusively and quietly;
• you need to monitor how the dying person reacts to reading the testimony (shahadah), you should avoid a negative response;
• Great help awaits the patient who, leaving earthly life, himself utters these words.

Along with this, one should read Surah Yasin, which all Muslims read at the sick bed. If this is not possible due to various reasons, you can record the sura.

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— What to do if a person is hysterical, and he says, conditionally: “Everything is bad. I will die"?

- Everyone will die. As the saying goes, “No one gets out of here alive.” We need to help the person switch his attention to the positive aspects of his condition. As the heroine of Porter's book, Pollyanna was glad when she was given children's crutches that she did not need them. It is necessary to help a sick person find the good sides in his condition. To the point of banality - you can see, but some are blind from birth. You can walk, talk, hear. It all depends, of course, on the disease and its degree. But sometimes a person simply does not notice these obvious things.

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The topic of death in modern society is highly taboo. But you can’t escape from it either. This is what awaits everyone in the future. Absolutely. Saying, “You will not die,” is stupid. It is better to try to switch the attention of your loved one to something else, so that he “no longer wants to die.” But this should not be from a series of long-term perspectives like - “What will happen to the parents/children/cats/dogs?” Otherwise, there may be a new round of depression. It’s better if these are short-term tasks with a bit of irony - “If you don’t watch the new episode of your favorite movie,” “If you don’t try my new pie, I’ll be upset.”

What do Kazakhs say?

According to the rules that have been established among the Kazakhs, a mullah and close relatives always stay at the sick bed:

• the mullah reads prayer words that indicate that the person leaving earthly life is in the true faith;
• in addition, he pronounces the phrase “There is no god but Allah, Muhammad is his messenger”;
• if the patient still has strength left, he recites a kellim (a prayer that can make it easier to leave for another world) - this will indicate deep faith;
• during this, the mullah must read Surah Yasin, which is accompanied by the silence of all those present;
• According to the traditions that exist in Islam, Surah Yasin is the heart of the Koran. She brings relief to the patient’s transition from one world to another and sends down the mercy of Allah on him.

Signs of approaching death

How to understand that a person is living his last hours? There are physiological and psychological signs of death.

– The skin turns pale, the legs become “marbled”, as the blood supply is disrupted. Hands and feet get cold. Rapid, loud, bubbling breathing may occur. Often people ask for cold water “like from a well” and cannot get a drink. Sometimes people ask their loved ones to leave so they can die alone. And you need to respect this request. And some, on the contrary, will hold their loved one’s hand to the end. Be sensitive to the last wishes of the departing person,” the expert emphasizes.