An ancient custom
Such a day happens only once a year and is the last one in Maslenitsa. It precedes Lent, when people will have to humble their body and spirit in preparation for salvation. Therefore, it is so important to step over pride, remember the misdeeds of the year, and then sincerely ask for forgiveness from loved ones, acquaintances, and even those with whom you simply greet. Only this should be done not formally, but with the desire to make amends for the existing guilt.
The size of the trouble caused does not matter. After all, for someone, even refusing to share ice cream can become a serious tragedy. But sincere repentance cleanses the soul. But why then does the usual answer sound like this: “God will forgive, and I forgive”? What is contained in such an ambiguous phrase?
EX-Pharisee
God will forgive. Do you forgive?
Everyone heard, at least on Forgiveness Sunday, the answer: “God will forgive, and I forgive.” For many parishioners, this phrase has been emasculated to the abbreviated “God will forgive.” When I hear this, a number of questions arise. Do you actually forgive me? Or are you giving an order to God to forgive? Are you straining your heart to let go of the tension between us?
I can't understand this topic at all. Why does man try to account for God? Whether God will forgive or not is a very big question. It is the responder who looks at the sad face of the person asking for forgiveness and forgives. But if you look at the heart, like God, then sometimes you can see there, instead of humility, harsh rebellion and vindictiveness. That is, the person asked for forgiveness hypocritically, without reconciling himself, but for show. I know it from myself. You force yourself to forgive. My mind seems to have forgiven me, but my heart is completely crushing. And in this state they answer me: “God will forgive.” And God, seeing my heart, says: “But I do not forgive.” At the same time, I guess about such an answer, and the one who reported in advance for God remained in a state of self-deception.
I tried several times to answer: “I forgive,” but without “God will forgive,” this innovation was accepted only by the closest people. Some regarded this as arrogance, although it was not even close to it. But saying “I forgive” is more difficult than “God will forgive,” if you say it with responsibility and checking your heart for sincerity. And even if at the moment of saying forgiveness you said this on duty, then then you must at least eliminate offensive thoughts and forcefully remove the tension from the relationship with the one who asked for forgiveness. And when “God forgives,” then there is no need (for me personally, I won’t answer for everyone) to work through this forgiveness within myself. “God has already forgiven him, why bother? Let him go in all four directions, my eyes have not seen him.” I'm deliberately exaggerating, but every joke is only part of the joke.
The only time I allow “God to forgive” is when on Forgiveness Sunday a person who does not have any close relationship with me, who certainly could not have offended me, asks me for forgiveness and I ask him for forgiveness just like that. Then I say the standard Orthodox excuse. Just so that I can’t resist asking a question that will probably lead the person asking into a stupor: “Why?!”
Duty forgiveness
We go to Forgiveness Sunday to ask for forgiveness from the priests and parishioners. Then we ask our family and start calling our friends. In the vast majority of cases, we hear the classic answer and a request for forgiveness forward. This is already a ritual. In almost 100% of cases, we did not offend any of them, and neither did they. It seems to me that in this way we calm our conscience. And if we are extremely honest with ourselves and God, then by asking for forgiveness 20 times in vain, we can silence a real case of offending our neighbor, when, out of cowardice and pride, we do not ask for forgiveness for our specific foul-smelling act or word. So why is all this needed? A thoughtless, meaningless, ritual action, nothing more. Ask for forgiveness where you really offended or were envious! And don’t ask amorphously for everything, but specifically, so that you yourself feel ashamed. Then there will be some sense. Maybe God will forgive.
One more example. I have about 3 thousand people in total in the church early and late (a very large cathedral). Everyone goes to different liturgies, depending on their plans, that is, they pray at different times every Sunday. I only know some of the parishioners, clergy and nuns by sight. No relationships outside the temple. And before confession, when a person needs to approach the priest one by one, he turns around and asks everyone for forgiveness. Again a ritual. How this craving for ritual smacks of magic, and... pharisaism. So the words “Breed of vipers” come to mind! Who taught you to flee from the face of God's wrath? Produce fruit worthy of repentance.” Repentance, not “serving a number” on Forgiveness Sunday.
I understand when in a small parish, parishioners have relationships with each other outside the church and could have quarreled somewhere. Someone washed all the bones of someone in gossip, and now stands and feels remorse. It's clear. But when a person actually sees those standing in line for the first time, has no connection outside the church and begins to ask for forgiveness, I am always terribly tempted to come up and ask: “Why?” What did you do wrong to me, enlighten me, or did you think, standing with your back to us, and seeing it only when you were preparing to approach the lectern? Why do you need to do meaningless actions in the temple?
But there is also a pre-known apology, which is on duty until it is pronounced. I have one of my relatives, for whom asking for forgiveness is the same as me taking a step. And I understand that having asked for forgiveness even for something (although usually asking for forgiveness of “me, a sinner”), after 5 minutes he will do the same without a twinge of conscience. And he will no longer ask for forgiveness. To say - I don’t forgive, I can’t resist. Although I understand that I don’t really forgive with my heart. The heart feels that they asked for forgiveness “for Forgiveness Sunday” or when going to communion, and not heartily. Requests for forgiveness in church when complete strangers have been forgiven look exactly the same. Why are you asking me for forgiveness “for everything” if I don’t even know you?! I understand that if we do not communicate with Father Peter or Vladislav, but I grumble at them for weak sermons, then maybe we need to ask them for forgiveness for such thoughts. But when there is a blank slate of relationships, and, as a result, pure ritual without heartfelt filling, then why is this necessary?!
And I stopped going to Forgiveness Sunday. Although I have not stopped asking for forgiveness if I really feel guilty before a specific person. At the same time, in small, especially rural parishes, there is something to ask for forgiveness for and from whom. The main thing is that this does not turn into forgiveness “for everything” and shifting forgiveness to God.
The biggest moment of irresponsibility is in the phrase “Forgive me, a sinner.” We are all sinners. This humility can hide a complete lack of humility. And if a person doesn’t say what exactly to forgive him for, then he hasn’t even put his mind to it. If conscience has convicted us, then the heart will strive to remove the “stone,” a specific “stone,” from itself. A wooden heart does not feel stone at all. That is why general apologies appear, indicating that there was and is no real repentance.
Such things should be preached from the pulpit. Otherwise, confession will be a mechanical listing of sins, behind which there is no real heartfelt repentance. And mental contrition is inexpensive. This is known to readers, to me, and to many Orthodox Christians. But very many do not know at all, since in parish life there is so much ritual in general, ritual forgiveness and obligatory (ritual) confession before communion.
Sins forgiven
When apologizing, some do it from the bottom of their hearts, others do it in a fussing manner. Publicly admitting wrongs, worries, and regrets helps to at least partially mend the relationship. When a person accepts repentance, he also refuses revenge or retribution, and is ready to accept his interlocutor with all his shortcomings and dubious past. But it is important to distinguish between personal and spiritual forgiveness.
There are sins and offenses that are difficult to forgive. Because of this, the traditional phrase “God will forgive” takes on a deeper meaning of good wishes. On the one hand, the person says: if higher powers have descended, then he has no right to hold grudges. On the other hand, it is an expression of hope for divine forgiveness, which washes away all sin.
Is it possible to ask for forgiveness on WhatsApp?
Is it normal to ask for forgiveness in instant messengers? How about sending out newsletters with pictures or writing “Forgive me for everything” posts? Will this be of any use?
The priests say that any fan mailings - congratulations on March 8 or Happy New Year, requests for forgiveness, whatever - are something very artificial. This is simply a manifestation of mass culture, mass consciousness, it makes no sense. Why ask for forgiveness from people you see once a year? But to say “forgive” to your parents, children or close colleagues on this day requires effort. But this will be the real step towards recreating the right relationship.
It is often difficult for us to ask for forgiveness face to face and writing in a messenger can be psychologically easier. However, only by looking into each other's eyes can one truly ask for forgiveness and forgive. Only in a glance or touch can you feel the intention to step over some situations and move on hand in hand.
Careful planning
In Orthodoxy, the holiday will take place on March 1, 2021, there is still time to prepare. It takes serious spiritual work to ask for forgiveness for what you have done. And no less, to forgive the offender. However, you are under no obligation to do any of the above. If you want to comprehend what happened, take a time out, because without sincerity everything will be in vain. It is not necessary to wait for a significant date or adapt to it if you really want to make peace with your loved ones.
But this does not in the least prevent one from answering “God will forgive” to ritual apologies on this day. A good wish is never superfluous; its short form is appropriate in any situation. And even for atheists it is not so difficult to demonstrate politeness, as well as knowledge of traditions.
God forgives only those who need it
This bright, anxious, touching day is getting closer - Forgiveness Sunday. On this day - on the eve of the beginning of Great Lent - Vespers is performed with the Rite of Forgiveness, and all Orthodox Christians, according to the ancient tradition that came to us from the Egyptian hermits, ask for forgiveness from each other.
But in fact, not only on this day are we called to forgive, to renounce judgment against our neighbor, to renounce claims against him, to respond with love even to obvious dislike, and to leave judgment to God. The Savior Himself commanded us to do this, and we affirm this by saying His prayer: “...and forgive us our debts, as we also forgive our debtors.”
But is it such a simple thing to forgive? Let's talk about this with Archpriest Alexander Domovitov, rector of the Church in honor of the Resurrection of Christ at the Resurrection Cemetery (Saratov).
— Father Alexander, first of all: what does it mean to forgive? How to answer the question to yourself whether you have forgiven or not?
- Yes, unfortunately, it is not always possible for us to understand what it means to forgive, what forgiveness should be. So, one person asks another for forgiveness, and that one, remembering that he is still a Christian, says: “I forgive.” But what happens after this dialogue - in that particular person whose neighbor asked for forgiveness? Has the resentment left his heart? Has he changed his attitude towards that neighbor to whom he said: “Yes, I forgive”? Does he treat him now the way he did before the conflict? Is love restored? Or did some kind of sharpening worm remain there, in the depths of your soul?..
- This worm is a pain. It does not always go away after external restoration of relations. Sometimes it becomes chronic and poisons our entire lives.
- Yes, and a person lives with this pain, and it seems that he cannot do anything with it, although with his mind he understands that he must forgive until the end. And there is nothing surprising about this. We are such that it is indeed very difficult for us to truly forgive. My personal and my priestly experience says that in most cases we forgive only in words, but not in our hearts. There are only a few people who have forgiven with all their hearts and who love their former offender with all their hearts. Because none of us, it turns out, are free from pride. It is she who does not allow forgiveness into our hearts, and it seems to us - no, it’s impossible to forgive this, it’s too hard.
- It’s hard, but it’s necessary. What to do?
“We have only one helper here—the Lord: we must turn to Him in such cases.” He gave us the first commandment - about love for Him, for God, and the second, similar to it - about love for our neighbor (see: Matt. 22: 37-39). And we must ask ourselves all the time: do I love God? Do I love my neighbor? If we love, then we must forgive. The question of forgiveness is the question of how we fulfill the commandment of love. After all, these seemingly well-known words from the Lord’s Prayer - “...and forgive us our debts, as we also forgive our debtors” - they are not about any sins committed, they are about the debt of love. What unpayable debt do we owe to God? We have not responded with love to His love for us. We ask Him to forgive us this debt - and we ourselves undertake to forgive those who did not love us.
- But how often do we fail to love - not only our neighbors, but even those closest to us.
“The worst thing is not when a person cannot love, it is surmountable; The worst thing is when a person doesn’t want to love. And if a person, despite all the internal difficulties, has the desire to love, as the Savior bequeathed, even his enemies, then the Lord will certainly help him. Because this aspiration, this desire of a person is good. In the psalm we praise God, who fulfills your good desires (Ps. 102:5). The Lord will not leave prayers for good things unanswered. It all depends on us, on how soberly we treat ourselves and how much we want to change. God does not forcefully invade our lives, He does not force us to do anything, He only shows us through various life situations what we really are. And we are left with a choice: I want to change for the better, I will ask the Lord for help in this, or I won’t, because I don’t want to. And this applies not only to forgiveness, but to our entire Christian life. The Lord gives help - the question is whether we agree to accept it.
- From your words it follows that forgiveness - the readiness to forgive - is inextricably linked with a person’s sober attitude towards himself: if you see what you really are, remember how you offended people - you can not judge your neighbor, forgive, because he just a sinner like you. This is true?
- Yes; you will forgive if you want the Lord to forgive you everything. After all, He said: Judge not, and you will not be judged; do not condemn, and you will not be condemned; forgive, and you will be forgiven (Luke 6:37). If a person sees his own sins, repents of them and asks God for help - this is humility, and a humble person is always a loving person, there is an inextricable connection. If a person, knowing his sins, withdraws into pride: “Yes, this is how I live, have lived and will live” - God can send him those events, those life circumstances that are designed to crush his pride. If a person understands this and makes the right choice, a new stage of his life can begin - a stage when he finally learns to love and forgive.
— Another side of this topic: how to forgive yourself? What to do if the sin you committed haunts you all your life, giving you no rest... And despite the fact that it has been confessed, and even penance has been performed?
“The fact that a person is haunted throughout his life by a sin he once committed, the fact that confession does not relieve pain, is not a reason to despair, on the contrary. Here we can give an example from medicine: a man broke his leg, they put him in a cast, treated him, the bone healed, the man began to walk without crutches, but then the pain begins again, the leg does not behave as he would like - and what does the sufferer do? He goes again to the same doctor. And the doctor is again looking for a way to help him. And there is nothing surprising or abnormal about this. So we must again and again turn to the same Doctor for healing in order to enter the Kingdom of Heaven whole. Do you remember the movie "The Island"? The main character is tormented by his crime all his life, and only at the end of his life he receives deliverance, liberation and says that in his soul now “the birds are singing.” But it didn’t happen so easily - after this sin, the whole life of the film’s hero was repentance and growth in humility. The Apostle Peter mourned his denial of the Savior all his life, but this life became an apostolic feat and culminated in martyrdom. The Venerable Mary of Egypt repented and struggled with sin within herself for almost half a century and from a great sinner became a great saint.
Repentance in the Church is not a one-time act (a one-time act is confession), but a permanent state of a person. And the inability to forgive another is due to one’s own unrepentance.
- You and I always talk about some everyday incidents, about dramas in relationships between people, but what about terrible tragic stories?.. Can the mother of a murdered person forgive the killer? Should she forgive him? And how to forgive those who are guilty of the death of millions?
- The mother of a murdered killer should not forgive. No such obligation is imposed on her. And no one has the right to demand this from her. But in this case, you need to ask about something else: does the killer ask for forgiveness, does he want to be forgiven, does he need it? Forgiveness is given only to those who need it, to those who ask for it. Unfortunately, we have this misconception: if God is merciful, then He must forgive us everything in any case - whether we realize our sins, repent of them or not. But God doesn't really owe us anything. Forgiveness is not given to anyone like that, automatically: it is always a response to repentance. And those who are guilty of the blood of millions, Hitler and others, are affected just as much as any of us.
There is such a parable: an unclean spirit comes to a hermit and asks the question: can our brother the demon repent? The hermit answers: if the demon prays to God for three years for mercy, for God to forgive him his pride, his ancient charm, then perhaps God will forgive him. The demon replied: “So that I repent like that?!” No way!”
- Well, can the relatives of his victims forgive a sincerely repentant criminal who has perhaps become a completely different person? I recently read about an elderly American - he corresponds with the murderer of his student son, who is serving a life sentence, helps him, even visits him in prison. I don’t know anything about this man’s faith, but I know that after the tragedy he devoted his whole life to the fight against the cult of violence and the free sale of weapons.
“Nothing is impossible for a Christian.” Everything depends on his faith, on his striving for Christ. If this person has not only forgiven, but also communicates with the culprit of his tragedy, this is the next higher level of spiritual growth after forgiveness.
— Last question: what needs to be done so that Forgiveness Sunday does not remain for us just a touching ritual that will “knock out a tear” but will not actually change anything in us?
— In our Church everything is arranged very wisely. Vespers with the rite of forgiveness are preceded by preparatory weeks for Lent, the Week of the Publican and the Pharisee, the Prodigal Son, the Week of the Last Judgment, the remembrance of Adam's exile. And if these weeks do not pass in vain for us, if we experience them consciously, meaningfully, if we really hear the words “Open the doors of repentance, O Giver of Life,” then we greet Forgiveness Sunday with great joy. After all, this is actually a special day, the threshold of Lent; we need to forgive and receive forgiveness in order to walk together this difficult road to Easter. It is no coincidence that even unchurched people, but not embittered towards the Church, often wait until this day to ask for forgiveness from those whom they have offended in some way.
Newspaper "Orthodox Faith" No. 04 (624)
