Both Christian parents and their married children may have difficulty striking a balance between “forsaking and clinging” and honoring parents. Some relevant Bible passages are as follows:
“Therefore a man will leave his father and his mother and cleave to his wife; and the two shall become one flesh” (Genesis 2:24).
“Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is what justice requires” (Ephesians 6:1).
“Honor your father and your mother, so that it may go well with you and that your days may be long in the land that the Lord your God is giving you” (Exodus 20:12).
The text of Genesis 2:24 can be divided into three aspects:
1. “He will leave” - this indicates that there are two types of relationships in the family. The parent-child relationship is temporary and one day there will be a time to “leave.” The husband-wife relationship is permanent: “what God has joined together, let no man put asunder” (Matthew 19:6). Problems in family life arise when these two roles are reversed and the parent-child relationship is seen as primary. When an adult child marries and the parent-child relationship remains primary, the newly formed union is threatened.
2. “Cleave” – The Hebrew word translated “cleave” means 1) to pursue someone persistently and 2) to be glued or attached to something/someone. Thus, a man must persistently "pursue" his wife after marriage (courtship should not end with wedding vows) and must be "stuck to her like glue." This word “to cleave” indicates a closeness in the relationship between two spouses that should not be closer than it should be with anyone else, including friends or parents.
3. “The two shall become one flesh” – marriage unites two people into one new whole. There must be such unity in every aspect (physical, emotional, intellectual, financial, social) that the resulting result can best be described as “one flesh.” Again, when there is greater unity and emotional support from the continuation of the parent-child relationship than from the husband-wife relationship, the union of the marriage is compromised and an unbiblical imbalance results.
Given these three points from Genesis 2:24, we should remember the Bible's instructions to honor our parents. This includes treating them with respect (Proverbs 30:11, 17), obeying them when their instructions are in accordance with God's laws (“in the Lord” - Ephesians 6:1), and caring for them when they are old (Mark 7:10-12 ; 1 Timothy 5:4-8).
When parental interference interferes with “abandonment” because they view the parent-child relationship as primary (demanding obedience, dependence, or emotional unity at the expense of desires, dependence, or unity with the spouse), it should be respectfully rejected in favor of the spouse's wishes. However, when there are genuine needs of the aging parents (either physical or emotional, as long as the emotional "need" does not violate the "abandonment" principle), those needs must be met, even if one spouse does not "like" the other spouse's parents. Biblical love for aging parents is the choice to do something out of love, even when there is no desire to do it.
The balance between the biblical command to “abandon and cleave” and honoring parents is similar to the balance between the command to submit to authorities (Romans 13) and the apostles' violation of this principle when the demands of authority conflicted with God's commands. In Acts 4:5-20, the apostles reject the demands of the Jewish authorities to stop preaching the gospel in favor of God's direction, but the apostles did so in a respectful manner. Likewise, Jesus says that we should honor our parents, but the parent-child relationship is secondary to our relationship with Christ (Luke 14:26). When parents violate the principles of Genesis 2:24, they should show “respectful disobedience.” However, the wishes of one spouse should be ignored if they are unwilling to invest the time, energy and finances required to meet the needs of the other spouse's aging parent, again remembering to distinguish true physical and emotional needs from the demands of an overbearing parent.
Limit interference
— Father Vladimir, in Russian folk tradition there are a lot of jokes associated with mothers-in-law and mothers-in-law. And these jokes are sometimes quite bitter. We have to admit that when we get married, our mothers, for all their good intentions, sometimes have a destructive effect on our family. How should our dear parents behave so as not to harm us in marriage?
“The Bible says: let the husband separate from his mother and cleave to his wife.” Since we are talking about Christian family building, everything here should be very simple: the husband left his parents and clung to his wife. In the same way, a wife must cleave to her husband, become part of him, half of him.
As soon as the family was created, the ship went to sea. This is an independent unit. And what's the problem? The fact that not everyone immediately perceives it as such is well known from family psychology. As a rule, for at least three years, neither the wife's parents nor the husband's parents perceive them as a family. For them, he is still their Kolya, their Masha. And some Sasha stuck to her, and to Kolya - “that fool Lena”, who “ruins his life”...
A lot of different personalities are superimposed on this scheme. For example, the wife's mother may be overly active, and the husband's father may be too domineering. There are many options, but in each of them the task of both the husband and wife in a young family is to protect their own family, their ship that has just set out to sea from those ropes that parents are trying to throw on board in order to moor it.
— How to protect? You can't throw your parents overboard. And we love them, as a rule...
— Limit their interference. I’m not going to tell you all the ins and outs of my personal family experience, but I assure you - we are an ordinary family, we have nothing ideal. All the problems that everyone had, we experienced and went through on our own skin.
A husband must protect not only his wife, but his own family from his parents. When mom starts to pick on her brains - yes, she is like this, she is like that - wisdom is simply needed here. On the one hand, you need not to offend your own mother, on the other hand, you need to bury everything that she poured out on you. You don’t need to be a repeater, you need to be such a good “swamp” in which everything drowns. Because it will be extremely difficult for your own spouse to perceive criticism addressed to you, relayed by you.
Husband and wife are one. There should be no one closer and dearer. And if a husband begins to express to his wife a claim that his mother expresses to him, this is extremely offensive for the wife. She feels that she is losing protection, losing in him the one who, in principle, should protect her. The same is true vice versa. Therefore, this is the primary task of young people - to protect their family from outside influences.
Moreover, I will say that when we marry people, we always warn them that in family relationships there is such a law: as soon as you become husband and wife, you should not tell anyone anything at all about your family relationships. So mom asks: how’s it going? “Everything is fine mom, everything is fine...”
— But mom won’t give up so easily. She’s interested, she’ll start asking further questions.
- And you continue to lull her into lull - “everything is fine, mom, don’t worry...” All of this needs to be blocked. You cannot allow anyone to get involved in your relationship, even under a plausible pretext - this is the law. If your parents, as well as numerous relatives, get used to this at the first stage, then they will stop bothering you altogether.
— It’s probably hard for moms to get used to it right away. It is difficult to part with a child. It may begin to seem that your own son, whom you raised for twenty years, is moving away from you. Or maybe he’s already fallen out of love altogether “because of this stupid Lena”...
“There should be no rivalry here, no selfish attachment.” You need to be able to let go of your son or daughter. So what if I raised you for twenty years? Now I've already grown it. Don't keep it to yourself all your life.
As for good relationships, if they were between mother and son or mother and daughter, if they were truly close people, then they will remain so even at a distance.
In general, the most reliable remedy against all problems is to resettle the young, as has always been the case. In Rus', young people were always resettled; they always immediately had their own housing. What was it like in Russian villages? They are preparing for the wedding - they are building a house for the newlyweds. Or, at the very least, some kind of outbuilding is added, or at worst, a separate room is allocated. Just a separate one that they wouldn’t go into.
You understand what separate living means for a young family. Therefore, if you don’t have your own separate housing, but there is the slightest opportunity to rent a house, this is very important in the first stages of family life. And if this does not work out, then greater wisdom is simply needed here. It must be taken into account that living together will bring more difficulties into a joint relationship.
Abraham
(Genesis 17:4-5)
This is my covenant with you: you will be the father of many nations, and you will no longer be called Abram, but your name will be Abraham, for I will make you the father of many nations;
The Lord added a letter from His name to Abram's name
Abraham is the father of many (Wikipedia).
Jews don't have numbers like we do. They have letters of the alphabet designated by numbers. The letter “h” is 5 (the number of grace).
Man and woman
(Genesis 2:23)
And the man said, Behold, this is bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh; she will be called woman, for she was taken from man.
The Lord gives additional grace to women. By grace women know what is beyond understanding. This is not accumulated knowledge or special courses, it is rather intuition. And they understand people.
The husband is not so observant.
The tree of Life
In the Garden of Eden there was a tree of the knowledge of good and evil, as well as a tree of life.
(Genesis 2:9)
And the Lord God made out of the ground every tree that is pleasant to the sight and good for food, and the tree of life in the midst of the garden, and the tree of the knowledge of good and evil.
God forbade eating from the first tree, but did not forbid eating from the second, which is in the center. Adam never ate from the tree of life.
God created woman to point Adam to the right tree. But the devil perverted everything and pointed to the forbidden.
God created the wife to point her husband to the tree of life.
Women inspire, women make men do crazy things. Let's remember Helen of Troy, Cleopatra, Delilah. A fragile woman who can inspire strong men.
About Sarah
God took one letter from Sarah - this is the number 10, i.e. law, and also gave grace (h). She became the mother of nations and from her came kings.
(Genesis 17:6)
And I will greatly, greatly favor you, and I will make nations of you, and kings will come from you.
Sarah - princess, mistress, leader (Wikipedia).
Grace is unmerited favor
The first thing you need to accept is that without grace there is no successful marriage.
(Genesis 17:15)
And God said to Abraham: Do not call your wife Sarah, but let her name be Sarah;
Abraham and Sarah were old in years when God changed their names and their strength returned.
God wants to give you grace, accept it and strength will return to you.
(Genesis 17:16)
I will bless her and give you a son by her; I will bless her, and nations will come from her, and kings of nations will come from her.
God gave grace to Abraham and he became a father.
(Prov 19:22)
A man's joy is his charity, and a poor man is better than a deceitful one.
Charity is kindness, grace.
Grace makes a person attractive, grace attracts us to Jesus.
About marriage and relationships in the Church
The Lord advises choosing a pious, grace-filled sister (according to faith) as a wife. If grace is not earned grace, then there will be many occasions when husband and wife will need an extra dose of grace. If a wife has not forgiven her husband, then he knows that he does not have to earn her forgiveness. He will ask for forgiveness first, even if he is not to blame.
Intelligent wife from God
(Prov 19:14)
House and property are an inheritance from parents, and a reasonable wife is from the Lord.
Reasonable - wise.
If you find an intelligent wife, then she is from God. It was the Creator who blessed you with it. A wise wife is simply beautiful, because God adds beauty to wisdom. Even if she is not beautiful on the outside, wisdom gives inner beauty. Inner beauty is brighter than outer beauty.
David and Abigail
David and Abigail
David wanted to kill Nabal, who had treated his people badly. Nabal was married to the wonderful Abigail. David sent messengers to kill Nabal for mistreating his people. David was stopped by Abigail. There is a lesson here for us in wise communication. She managed to convince David.
(1 Samuel 25:3)
The name of the man was Nabal, and the name of his wife was Abigail; this woman was very smart and beautiful in face, and he was a cruel and evil-tempered man; he was from the family of Caleb.
The first thing mentioned is the mind of Abigail.
And the two will become one flesh
You can see few pious families nowadays. Many seem to be completely deprived of God’s blessing. Either there is discord and constant disagreement between husband and wife, then there is disrespect in the children, then there is bad depraved behavior of one of them, then the parents cry because of the children, then the children do not see in their parents what they would like and what they should see in them. And there, unbelief penetrated the family and infected even its best members. We all see such families: unhappy families, even those where someone committed suicide - some from a disordered life, some from unfulfilled desires. And, surprisingly, all this happens with an abundance of material wealth. They just want to live and rejoice and thank God, but they do neither one nor the other, and have voluntarily chosen eternal destruction as their destiny, as if they were born for it.
Why such unfortunate phenomena? There may be many reasons for this, but the main share of the blame falls on the parents. They did not infuse the spirit of faith into their children. Maybe they didn’t want to and didn’t try to do this, or maybe they couldn’t, because they themselves didn’t have this spirit, they themselves suffered from a lack of piety and strong moral convictions. Parents should always pray more fervently and more diligently for their children, but what kind of prayer can those of little faith have? Only sincere faith gives birth to true prayer. Believers and pious parents, of course, pray—but for what? To ensure that they are healthy, satisfied, happy in life, and have success in business. You should pray about this too, but is this the main thing? There are blessings more important than successful conduct of everyday affairs, more important than wealth - this is the good disposition of the soul, ardent zeal for its salvation. This is the burning of the spirit, its desire for piety. Here is a truly happy person in this life. But this is often what even the kindest parents pray for least. The son does not do well in the sciences, the daughter does not have beauty, there is no hope for her profitable arrangement - this crushes them, their hearts hurt about this, and that the same son and daughter did not acquire Christian qualities of the soul, that they, perhaps, learned a lot wrong concepts and views, they are indifferent to this. How will children live after them without sufficient means of subsistence? They think a lot, but whether they are close in their morality to eternal salvation is the least of their worries.
The main misfortune of most families today is that their lives are not built in accordance with the spirit of the Orthodox faith and the Church. Everything related to faith and the Church occupies the family less and less. Previously, the family talked with delight about the coming of this or that holiday. Now they are consoled by something else - the upcoming evening of entertainment. It happened that church services were often performed in the house, in the presence of all family members, by invited clergy, both on great holidays and on special occasions; Nowadays, on holidays, something different happens: relatives and friends gather either for fun or for conversations - just not of a church or spiritual nature. It used to be that even small children strictly observed fasts, but now in many families there is no mention of them, both adults and, following their example, children cannot fast as they should, even the first and last weeks of Great Lent. Neither adults nor children often have any idea about the lives of saints. This is how families who call themselves Orthodox and Christian live.
Parents, do not get carried away by the spirit of the times, live according to the spirit of faith and the Church, try to acquire the spirit of piety yourself and raise your children in the same spirit, remember the holy commandments, love home and church prayer, do not lose heart in sorrow, thank God in joy and happiness .
The marital union, and hence family life, was established and sanctified by the Lord God himself in paradise. “And God created man,” it is said in the Holy Scriptures, “in the image of God, create him, husband and wife; and God bless them, saying: grow and multiply, and fill the earth.” When the Son of God, our Lord Jesus Christ, came to earth, He also confirmed the law of marriage, repeating the words that God said in paradise when he created a wife for the first man and established the law of marriage: “A man leaves his father and mother and cleaves to his wife.” their own, and the two will become one flesh.” To make people understand how worthy of honor the marriage union is, He himself deigned to be with His Most Pure Matter and His disciples at the wedding in Cana of Galilee. But having been established by God in paradise, confirmed by Christ the Savior, the marriage union received a special, higher sanctification in the Church of Christ, as the holy apostles explained. So St. Paul, repeating the words of the Savior about the marriage union, that in it two - husband and wife - will be one flesh, adds: “This mystery is great: I speak in relation to Christ and to the church.” Notice, this mystery is great! - the Word of God teaches. That is why marriage is considered a sacrament among the seven holy sacraments established in the Church. But what is this mystery in whose name the marital union is sanctified?
This union is not only external, physical, but above all spiritual: a union of two souls that constitute, as it were, one soul, one life, one being. And this is what the words mean: there will be two - one flesh, i.e. as one being. What is this union for? So that through such a union of two lives into one common life, this life would be fuller, richer, better; so that what is best in the husband is communicated to the wife, and the best in the wife is learned by the husband. In a word, so that living in a close and indissoluble union, spouses work more successfully for their spiritual improvement, happiness on earth and salvation in heaven. The Word of God also teaches this when it says that a husband can be sanctified and saved through his wife, and a wife through her husband. This is the lofty goal that is first of all sanctified for the marital union in the sacrament of marriage! At the same time, another goal of this union is sanctified - the blessed birth and Christian upbringing of children for the multiplication of the kingdom of God, i.e. society of those who believe in Christ and are saved through Him.
Choosing the bride and groom
It is pleasant and joyful to look at a family in which love and peace reign, where spouses live a common life, sharing each other’s joys and sorrows, and thereby mutually easing all the difficulties of life. But how pitiful is the position of husband and wife when discord reigns between them, when one does not feel tender feelings for the other. Nowadays, there are many families in which, instead of mutual respect and peace between spouses, quarrels and complaints about each other are constantly heard. Why is this happening? There are many reasons for this, but the main one is the wrong choice of the person with whom someone is united in marriage.
Pointing to Isaac and Rebecca as an example of the behavior of Christians before marriage, St. John Chrysostom says: “And you, when you intend to take a wife, do not resort to people, but resort to God. Tell God: “whom You want, determine for me by Your Providence”; entrust this matter to God, and He will reward you for giving Him such a high honor.”
So, when intending to get married, you must first of all fervently pray to the Lord, the Knower of the Heart, so that He Himself will arrange the marriage according to His will. The bride and groom should not only thank the Lord, who laid the foundation for their rapprochement and decided to walk the path of earthly life together, but at the same time pray to Him to send them mercy for the future. Let them be imbued with the idea that by their own efforts, without the blessing of God, they cannot achieve their happiness and good order in their married life.
But how many of us are there among us who left their marriage to the will of God and, when entering into marriage, cared first of all and most of all about acquiring God’s blessing for this? In this case, are we not entirely occupied with earthly and vain worries and thoughts? Many people now, before choosing a girlfriend in life, try to find out not the character and behavior of the girl, but what her financial situation is.
A marriage concluded for selfish reasons is rarely happy. Such a marriage often brings with it a lot of evil, opening up the possibility of family discord, reproaches and mutual insults. Saint John Chrysostom said: “I beg you to look not for money and wealth, but for good qualities in a girl: modesty, piety and piety; this is better than countless treasures. But who will say: he got rich from his wife. Aren't you ashamed to give such examples? I have heard the following words from many: “I would rather suffer extreme poverty than receive wealth from my wife.” And indeed, whoever took a rich wife took for himself a mistress rather than a wife and employee. On the contrary, whoever married someone equal to himself or poorer in condition acquired a faithful assistant. Poverty encourages a wife to take care of her husband, to obey and obey him in everything, and to take diligent care of the household. A prudent, kind and temperate wife, even if she is poor. she will manage poverty better than a grumpy and angry woman with wealth. So, there is no benefit from wealth and money if we do not find a good soul in our wife.
Further, the basis of marital happiness is the mutual strong love of husband and wife; the same love should serve as an incentive for the bride and groom to enter into marriage. In this case, you need to look not at physical beauty, but at the beauty of the soul of your loved one. “Beauty of the body,” says St. Chrysostom - erases time and eats disease; but spiritual beauty is higher than all changes. This one excites envy and produces jealousy, but this one is not subject to such passions and knows no one’s vanity.” Nothing adorns a person and attracts him more than a kind soul. Therefore, St. teaches each of us. father, when you see the most attractive appearance, try to recognize the inner one, and if it is not beautiful, despise the outer one. Fathers of families! imitate the solicitude of the forefather Abraham, who tried to find an unspoiled woman for his son, looking for her not for wealth, not for the nobility of the family, but only for spiritual goodness. And you, mothers of families, adorn your daughters not with gold and expensive clothes, but with meekness and modesty. A modest, decent woman can easily gain the love of her husband, making him a diligent helper in household chores and a loving father.
Sacrament of wedding
The heartfelt mutual rapprochement of the bride and groom should be sanctified by the blessing of the parents. Children act sinfully when they enter into marriage without the blessing of their parents: the prayers of parents, according to the testimony of the word of God, strengthen the well-being of family life.
Good children, setting off on a journey unknown to them, come to their mother and ask for her parting blessing, and the tender mother blesses them. The Church of Christ does the same when her obedient children - the chosen bride and groom - come to the temple of God, asking for her maternal blessing to the unknown path of married life. Hitherto strangers to each other, united into one couple, the bride and groom enter into a new family life for them and therefore do not know what awaits them: whether joy, peace or emotional anxieties and sorrows. In this case, they need the right guidance for the upcoming path of life. And the Church accompanies this benevolence with solemn and deeply significant rites.
According to the church charter, marriage should be celebrated immediately after the liturgy, so that the bride and groom, through reverent prayer during the liturgy (and, following the example of ancient pious Christians, by purifying themselves through the sacraments of repentance and communion of the most holy Body and Blood of Christ), would worthily prepare to receive the grace of the sacrament of marriage. The groom in the temple stands on the right, and the bride on the left - this is how God-given order and decency are observed: the husband is the head of the wife, and in the order of standing he takes precedence over his wife. Two rings for the betrothed are placed close to each other on St. throne as a sign that those getting married entrust their fate to the will of God's Providence and ask the Lord for a blessing for their betrothal. The bride and groom are holding burning candles in their hands, which indicates that their motives for marriage are bright, pure, free from reprehensible calculations. The cross-shaped incense of the bride and groom, upon their introduction into the temple, signifies the grace of the All-Holy Spirit, the action and influx of which drives away all the power of the enemy from the couple.
The most tender parents cannot wish their beloved children as many blessings as the Holy Church asks for them from God when celebrating the sacrament of marriage. She sends prayers to the Lord, where she asks Him to send them “more perfect, peaceful love and help; May they be preserved in unanimity and firm faith; Oh, be blessed with it in an immaculate residence...” Then the priest takes the rings / rings / from the throne and places them on the ring fingers of his right hand. The ring, according to ancient custom, serves as a seal and affirmation; The threefold exchange of rings confirms the complete mutual trust of the persons getting married. The groom, as a testimony of his love and readiness to use the advantage of his strength to help the weakness of a woman, gives his ring to the bride, and she, as a sign of her devotion to her husband and readiness to accept help from him, gives her ring to the groom. Now the betrothed approach the analogue on which the saints lie. The Gospel and the Cross of Christ. With this the Church says that in all the paths of their lives, in all enterprises and undertakings, spouses should have before their eyes the law of Christ, outlined in the Gospel. The engaged bride and groom stand on the same “foot” (on a spread piece of cloth) as a sign that they will have to share the same fate in everything - both happy and unfortunate - publicly before the Cross and the Gospel they declare their good will to enter into marriage, after which the wedding itself begins.
Once the bride and groom have expressed their mutual consent to marry before the Lord Himself and before the entire Church, the minister of the Lord’s altar begins to perform the wedding. Through the lips of a priest in touching prayers, the Church remembers the blessed marriages of St. by God Himself. our forefathers and calls upon those who are getting married the blessing of the Lord, which they have been granted; He prays to the Almighty to preserve the newlyweds, as Noah was preserved in the ark, Jonah in the belly of the whale and the three youths in the cave of Babylon, asking to grant the new spouses unanimity of souls and bodies. At the same time, the shepherd of the Church begs the Lord to remember not only the couple themselves, but also their parents, “because of the prayers of the parents, the foundations of the houses are established...” But now the most important, most solemn, holiest moment has come in the entire ceremony of the wedding. Crowns are placed on the blessed couple - signs of royal power, and this gives the couple the blessing of becoming the ancestors of future offspring. Since in ancient times the heads of victors were decorated with crowns, laying crowns on the bride and groom serves as a reward for them for their chaste life before marriage. “Crowns,” explains St. Chrysostom, - they rely on the heads of those getting married as a sign of victory, in order to show that they, invincible with passion before marriage, approach the marriage bed as such. And if someone was caught up in voluptuousness and gave himself to harlots, then why should he, the defeated one, have a crown on his head?” When laying crowns on the bride and groom, the servant of the altar of the Lord pronounces the mystical words (“The servant of God is being married... the servant of God is being married...”) and, blessing both three times (in honor of the Holy Trinity), three times he proclaims: “Lord Our God, crown with glory and honor.” I ... them)!" God! as if the priest were saying with these prayerful words, just as this couple is now adorned with crowns, so adorn this marriage union with glory and honor.
Thus, the Church brings down to the newlyweds the grace of the All-Holy Spirit, sanctifying their marriage, the birth and raising of children. From this moment the groom is already the husband of his bride, the bride is the wife of her groom; from that moment they are bound by indissoluble bonds of marriage, according to the immutable word of Christ the Savior: “what God has joined together, let no man separate.”
Improvement of family life
The first house of the spouses is constant and strong mutual love. By loving each other, you will willingly and easily fulfill your duties, since love, according to the word of the Apostle Paul, is the fulfillment of the law and the union of perfection. This love is the source of your mutual peace and happiness, it eases all the difficulties and sorrows that occur in family life; it elevates the gifts of happiness, and makes need and poverty bearable. And where this love does not exist, even with visible happiness, amid abundance and contentment, the source of internal worries, sorrows and tears does not dry up.
For love to be firm and unbreakable, you must bear your shortcomings with patience and forbearance. No matter how hard you try, you cannot guarantee that you will never offend each other in any way, or that one will not see anything unpleasant for himself in the other. This is impossible; on earth among mortals there is no such complete and unchangeable perfection that could be a source of inviolable peace, harmony and contentment. Therefore, patience and forbearance towards each other are necessary. Patience is commanded by the Lord Himself: “in your patience you will gain your souls.” If you, husband, come across any quality you don’t like in the wife with whom you were once united in marriage forever, cover the unpleasant one with patience. If you see an action or hear a word that is not to your heart, again use patience to help and judge your wife condescendingly. You, wife, do the same in relation to your husband, always remembering that God has made him your head, and you must be submissive to him.
To maintain mutual love, you need to be frank and trusting of each other. Distrust, naturally accompanied by secrecy, is usually a source of suspicion and fuels disagreement. If you give place in your hearts to mistrust and secrecy, many troubles will arise between you. Do not allow yourself to experience the sorrows that come from disagreement.
The common duty of a husband and wife is to take care of the improvement of their home and the welfare of family members. Diligence and hard work establish the prosperity of the house, while negligence and laziness ruin it. Both husband and wife should work hard for the good of the family.
The special duty of a husband and wife is to maintain marital fidelity and remember the commandment of God: “and you will both be one in flesh.” According to this Divine law, the wife, as the apostle teaches, does not own her body, but the husband does; Likewise, the husband does not own his body, but the wife and spouses are obliged to maintain this fidelity and this unity until the end of their lives. “Are you united to your wife?” writes the Apostle Paul, “do not seek divorce.” Remember that this duty is not imposed on you by man, but by God. Remember how strictly Christ the Savior obliges you to this fidelity: He calls one glance of a husband at another man’s wife or of a wife at another man’s husband with lust, adultery. The Lord wants your mutual love not to be violated not only by external actions, but also by internal dispositions. He wants us to destroy evil at its very root. From internal bad dispositions bad actions are born.
With marital fidelity, you must remember the sanctity of your union and maintain marital purity and chastity. And you need to subordinate the innocent pleasures of marriage to higher goals and sometimes “those who have wives should be,” according to the words of the Apostle, “like those who have not,” especially during Lent and before holidays. But marital abstinence must be by mutual consent, otherwise it can lead to internal anxiety, lustful thoughts, irritability, and quarrels.
These are your responsibilities that inseparably belong to husband and wife. But there are also special responsibilities, some of which primarily relate to you, husbands, while others belong to you, wives. They are also commanded by God.
The husband is the head of his wife, this advantage is given to him by God Himself, who gave the male sex strength in its very nature. Therefore, in taking care of the well-being of the family, the husband especially belongs to those occupations and labors that require great strength, physical or moral. The husband, as the head of his wife, must prudently guide her in all circumstances of life that require his help: with Christian meekness, notice and correct her shortcomings and prudently take care of her needs.
But at the same time, the husband must always treat his wife with respect, with decent respect, and not as a slave. This is required by God's established relationship between husband and wife as members of one body. “Husbands,” says the Apostle Peter, “treat your wives wisely, as with the weakest vessel, showing them honor, as heirs together of the grace of life.”
The husband, as the head of the family, is primarily obliged to take care of the improvement and welfare of the house. The farmer throws seeds into the ground in the fall to get a harvest for next summer. This is what the father of the family does: what he wants to achieve in the future, he begins in the present. Negligence and carelessness should be alien to the father of the family: the law of God commands every person to work to earn his own bread, and the father of the family is obliged to take care not only of himself, but also of his family. The Apostle denounces the negligent in this way: “If anyone does not provide for his own, especially for his family, he has rejected the faith, and the infidel is bitter to eat.”
The head of the family must care not only about the earthly well-being, but especially about the spiritual salvation of all members of his family. He is obliged, both by word and by example of life, to guide them to piety and to show himself as an example of Christian virtues, so that through his deeds he can shine for all members of the family. The husband must remember that his wife, according to God's establishment, is his helper. Therefore, in all important family matters, his duty inspires him to consult with his wife, both in order to receive help from her, and in order to show her decent honor, and through this, maintain a proper attitude towards her and maintain mutual agreement and love. When the wife, as her husband's helper and friend, gives him her opinions and advice, the husband should listen and accept them with attention and respect. And in the case where the wife’s voice, according to sound reasoning, cannot be accepted, the husband should not refuse his wife decent attention, so as not to offend her and thereby violate her rights. True Christian love and prudence will show when and how a husband should act under such circumstances.
You, wife, also have your responsibilities. You must know them and execute them with constant attention and zeal. This is a necessary condition for your happiness. A wife should always show her husband unfeigned respect as the head of the family. This duty is instilled in her by God and the laws of nature, creating her weaker in comparison with her husband and assigning her to be her husband’s assistant. Even if a wife sometimes surpasses her husband in moral qualities, education and experience, even in this case she does not have the right to go beyond the limits established by God’s law, but must always sacredly preserve in her soul and show in practice decent respect for her husband.
The wife is primarily obliged to take care of the internal improvement of the house and take care of the order of household chores. As the mother of a family, she must take special care to maintain the spirit of piety and good morals within the family.
Parents and children
Parents must have custody of their children. Nature itself instills this duty in them. She put love for her children in their hearts. Where this love is absent, the extreme depravity of morals is clearly exposed.
Taking care of your children should start with taking care of yourself. The good or bad moral properties of parents are usually passed on to their children, and often, before children are able to judge good or bad, they are already predisposed by hereditary properties to virtue or vice.
Keeping this in mind, parents must retain God's blessing on themselves through a virtuous and pious life and pass it on to their offspring. You, mothers, should especially remember this duty during your pregnancy. Resist all heart disturbances and irritation, strong sorrow, unclean thoughts and desires, all sin, and try at this time with special zeal to nurture within yourself Christian feelings, the spirit of humility, love for God and neighbors, the spirit of prayer and devotion to God’s Providence, the spirit of true piety so that you can thus pass on good qualities to your offspring in nature itself.
After the birth of a baby, the most important duty of parents is to ensure that their child is reborn into spiritual life through the sacrament of baptism, and thus introduced into the bosom of Christ’s Church. Parents must remember the words of the Lord Savior: “Unless one is born of water and the Spirit, he cannot enter the kingdom of God.” From the time your child was washed and sanctified by the Holy Spirit in the baptismal font, you should look at him not only as your own child, but as a member of the Church of Christ.
One must look at infant life as a preparation for his higher life in the Christian Church. With reverence for God, take care of the child’s physical life. A mother should consider it a sacred duty to nourish her own child with her milk. While preserving the life of a child, efforts must be made to ensure that his body grows and strengthens, in accordance with the laws of nature and its main purpose: the body is an instrument of the Holy Spirit and serves a person in achieving piety. Nourish the body, protect it from the harmful influences of the elements, strengthen it with decent activities. Preserving the child’s body from any damage and destructive effects of air changes or from weakening it through rough maintenance and treatment of it, no less than this, protect the gentle child from being too pampered by immoderate care, and from becoming too accessible through excessive protection. the harmful influence of bad weather and difficult life circumstances. The child's food should be healthy, but should not accustom him to treats; the clothes, well protecting from the harmful influence of the elements, were decent for the sex, but did not feed childish pride and vanity; so that children's exercises and innocent amusements, strengthening the body, little by little awaken, reveal and exercise their mental and moral powers, and thus serve as preparation for their future activities. Thus, all care for the child’s body should be carried out in subordination to his highest purpose and always be combined with care for his soul.
The first instructions given to children should primarily explain the visible objects closest to them, and from them little by little ascend to invisible objects, so that the latter serve as an explanation of what the children see in front of them. At the same time, just as a child learns to recognize his parents, to recognize their love, we must instill in children that we have a Father in heaven, who loves everyone, commands His sun to rise for everyone, serves food, consoles us with joys and turns our lives to our benefit. sorrows and misfortunes. Show your children how great, wise and good God is.
Take care of your children so that no one instills in them false, superstitious concepts that are harmful to their faith and morality, but, on the contrary, try in every possible way so that they get used to judging everything they can judge sensibly, in accordance with the law of God: do not undertake to reason about that is beyond their understanding, but were aware of their ignorance and with complete confidence surrendered to the prudent guidance of their parents or educators.
Along with establishing sound concepts in children, we must take care of the education of their hearts and wills. Always talk to them about something worthy of love and reverence with love and reverence. Do not talk to them coldly and indifferently about what is worthy of heartfelt sympathy, surprise and reverence. Turn their hearts to truly lofty and beautiful objects, so that it gets used to being surprised only by what is truly lofty and loving only what is truly good and beautiful. The greatness of nature with its varied beauties always surrounds us; always above us is an immense and wonderful picture of the starry sky, surpassing any image; The truly great, beautiful luminary of the day always illuminates and warms us. Talk more often with your children about these and other works of God, with love and reverence for the Creator.
Try in every case to arouse and maintain a moral sense and strength of conscience in children. Talk to them more often about the dignity and beneficialness of virtue, about the unworthiness and harmfulness of sin. Show them examples of virtuous people as worthy of love, respect and imitation; equally indicate the consequences of vices in vicious people, so that, while nurturing in children respect for virtue, at the same time nurturing an aversion to vices.
Never forget that the fear of God is the true foundation of good education, the beginning of wisdom. This is not slavish fear, which, through the presentation of punishments, keeps a person from breaking the law, but filial fear, which consists of strong love for God, as the most good Father, combined with sincere concern, lest one should offend the All-Good Heavenly Father. This fear must be aroused and supported in children, raising them, as the Apostle says, “in the discipline and teaching of the Lord.” Here, parents, we especially need an example of your pious life for our children.
It is especially important in education to protect children from bad surroundings. Just as it is beneficial for them to have edifying examples before them, it is harmful for them to be among the company of corrupt people: “Bad communities,” according to the words of the apostle, “corrupt good morals.”
Prudently protect your children from bad inclinations, which easily turn into passions and enslave a person to vice. It is necessary to put barriers to evil at its beginning: suppress in children, at the first opportunity, as you notice, - willfulness, pride, vanity, disobedience, laziness, hatred, vindictiveness, enmity, coldness towards objects of faith, disrespect for elders and authorities, at the same time over time, instill in them love for God and reverence for everything sacred, respect for elders, gratitude for benefactors, cordiality towards everyone, meekness, unforgettable malice, peacefulness, goodwill, helpfulness, hard work, sincere respect for innocence and purity of morals.
Parents! Just as we must protect children from acquiring false concepts about life and from reading works filled with seductive, unrealistic fictions, we should not hide from them what they may encounter in reality: what, for example, difficulties, sorrows and illnesses await them on one path or another in life. It is necessary to show them how a person should behave in such circumstances, how to protect himself from being carried away by evil; than to overcome sorrows and illnesses.
When you send your children to educational, educational or other institutions, do not think that you are thereby relinquishing your responsibility to care for your children, as is sometimes done: no matter where your children are, you are always their parents. Whose heart more than the heart of parents can love the children of a parent's heart? Whose love, through its protectiveness, can have such a beneficial effect on children, like the love of good parents? Therefore, your care for your children should accompany them wherever they go from you! Remind your children what you told them before; instill in them good rules of life; warn against dangers. Be the guardians of their good behavior in absentia. Every time you meet, be an example of piety for them, and by your prudent and edifying behavior revive and maintain that beneficial influence in them.
Your care for children, with the blessing and assistance of the Almighty, is important both for civil society and for the Church: for society you prepare useful members - future good parents, guardian leaders, comforters of the unfortunate, benefactors of humanity; for the church - its true members, worthy altar servers, heirs of the Kingdom of Heaven. And for myself, consolation in life, consolation in sorrow, support in needs, illness and old age, hope and a guarantee of God’s mercy in the future life.
The Bible on Marriage
When it comes to the ideal married couple, the first thing that comes to mind is Adam and Eve. Yes, they sinned and were cast out of Eden. But that's not what we're talking about now.
From the point of view of the question of an ideal marital relationship, one indisputable fact stands out in the biblical story of Adam and Eve - these two never had a conflict with each other during their entire lives on earth. Never! Adam and Eve, after being expelled from Eden, lived a hard life, because God in anger cursed the earth for them, saying that they would eat bread by the sweat of their brow, and that not all of their labors would be fruitful, we read:
16. He said to the wife: I will multiply your sorrow in your pregnancy; in illness you will give birth to children; and your desire will be for your husband, and he will rule over you. 17. And he said unto Adam, Because thou hast listened to the voice of thy wife, and hast eaten of the tree of which I commanded thee, saying, Thou shalt not eat of it; cursed is the ground because of thee; you will eat from it in sorrow all the days of your life; 18. It will bring forth thorns and thistles for you; and you will eat the grass of the field; 19. By the sweat of your face you will eat bread until you return to the ground from which you were taken; for dust you are, and to dust you will return. ( Genesis 3:16-19 )
Before they sinned, Adam and Eve lived a perfect life in a perfect world. But after their sin and exile from this ideal world, they lived a hard life all the days of their lives. And despite this, Eve never complained to Adam for such a life, and that she had to give birth to children in painful torment, just as Adam never reproached his wife for being the reason for his fall. The two never reproached each other. They remembered what a happy life they lived before the exile, and yet they never clashed with each other. Just the perfect married couple.
When I pondered the secret of their ideal relationship, I found in the Bible only one possible reason for their mutual agreement. They did not choose each other based on their physical senses of perception. God was the reason they came into existence as a married couple.
Adam was not looking for a wife at all. His life was so “chocolate” that he didn’t even think about family. To his, and to ours, fortunately, God himself took care of this when he decided that it was not the case for Adam to be alone, while all his other creations had a mate. Let's read this moment:
18. And the Lord God said: It is not good for man to be alone; Let us create for him a helper suitable for him. 19. The Lord God formed out of the ground every animal of the field and every bird of the air, and brought it to man to see what he would call them, and that whatever man called every living soul, that would be its name. 20. And the man named the names of all the cattle, and the birds of the air, and all the beasts of the field; but for man there was no helper like him. 21. And the Lord God caused the man to fall into a deep sleep; and when he fell asleep, he took one of his ribs and covered that place with flesh. 22. And the Lord God created a woman from a rib taken from the man, and brought her to the man. 23. And the man said, Behold, this is bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh; she will be called woman, for she was taken from man. 24. Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and cleave to his wife; and they will be one flesh. ( Genesis 2:18-24 )
We can notice two aspects in this passage:
1) God was the initiator for Adam to have a wife
2) We see symbolism in God’s creation of Adam’s wife from his rib. God did not create Adam's wife from dust, as He did with Adam. No. He took Adam's rib and made him a wife from this rib. The wife created from Adam's rib symbolizes the complete compatibility between Adam and Eve. They were perfect for each other, both physically and psychologically. Adam's rib is primarily symbolism. I believe that the genetic relationship of Adam and Eve should not be taken literally. This is symbolism.
An important factor in their ideal marital relationship is that it was God who chose them for each other. This is a very important point, thanks to which Adam and Eve never quarreled with each other throughout their entire life on earth. Eve did not try to command Adam. She knew that she was created by God to help Adam, and not to command Adam. Eve did not challenge Adam's leadership.
When Adam first saw his wife, he immediately accepted her. This is the power of God's choice! When God chooses two people to be a couple, that couple will live together for the rest of their lives.
Monogamy or polygamy?
The Bible does not clearly indicate that a husband should have only one wife. Adam and Eve were the only ones for each other simply because they were the first people from whom all humanity came. Later times are another matter. We see different forms of families. Abraham had a wife, Sarah, until her death. And after Sarah, Abraham had many more subsequent wives. In contrast to Abraham, Jacob (Israel) had two wives at the same time - Leah and Rachel.
King David had quite a few wives. However, the champion polygamist was King Solomon. He had as many as 700 wives! And that's not counting the 300 concubines! Solomon loved women very much. And this was not only the personal happiness of King Solomon, but also his curse. In fact, such a huge number of wives was for Solomon retribution for the sin of his father, King David.
King David had many wives. However, one day he saw a woman of rare beauty named Bathsheba. She was married to one of King David's military leaders, Uri the Hittite. King David could not resist her beauty. He used his power to sleep with someone else's wife, who became pregnant by him. To solve this problem, King David ordered Joab, the commander of Uriah, to arrange the situation in the war so that Uriah, Bathsheba’s husband, would be placed in the most dangerous and difficult section of the front, where he would be guaranteed to be killed by the enemies. And so it happened. After this, King David took Bathsheba as his wife.
The Bible says that what King David did to Bathsheba and her husband Uriah was evil in the eyes of the Lord God. Then the Lord sent the prophet Nathan to King David and said:
1. And the Lord sent Nathan to David, and he came to him and said to him: In one city there were two men, one rich and the other poor; 2. The rich man had a lot of small and large livestock, 3. And the poor man had nothing except one lamb, which he bought small and fed, and it grew up with him along with his children; She ate of his bread, and drank from his cup, and slept on his chest, and was like a daughter to him; 4. And a stranger came to a rich man, and he was sorry to take one of his sheep or oxen to prepare dinner for the stranger who came to him, but he took the poor man’s sheep and prepared it for the man who came to him. 5. David was very angry with this man and said to Nathan: As the Lord lives! the person who did this deserves death; 6. And for the lamb he must pay four times, for the fact that he did it, and for the fact that he had no compassion. 7 And Nathan said to David, “You are that man.” Thus says the Lord God of Israel: I have anointed you king over Israel, and I have delivered you from the hand of Saul, 8 and I have given you the house of your master and the wives of your master for your bosom, and I have given you the house of Israel and Judah, and if this is for you are not enough, I would add even more to you; 9. Why then have you despised the word of the Lord, doing what is evil in His sight? You smote Uriah the Hittite with the sword; You took his wife to be your wife, and you killed him with the sword of the Ammonites; 10 Therefore the sword shall never depart from your house, because you despised Me and took the wife of Uriah the Hittite to be your wife. 11 Thus says the Lord: Behold, I will bring evil upon you out of your house, and I will take your wives before your eyes, and give them to your neighbor, and he will sleep with your wives before this sun; 12. You did it secretly, but I will do it before all Israel and before the sun. ( 2 Samuel 12:1-12 )
From that moment on, serious problems began in the family of King David. Not just serious problems. Simply terrifying problems! Although King David prayed and fasted, asking for forgiveness from the Lord, however, the Word of the Lord is firm, even if the Lord forgave David by sparing his life. However, David's sin gave people a reason to blaspheme the Lord. The Lord did not forgive David for this.
It all started with the death of the baby that Bathsheba gave birth to David. This continued with disgrace among his children when his son Amnon dishonored and killed his own sister named Tamar. Another son of David, Abbesalom avenged his sister Tamar and killed Amnon, after which he went on the run from the eyes and wrath of David. And Nathan’s prophecy that his neighbor would take possession of the women of King David in front of all Israel came true precisely in the person of David’s fugitive son Abbesalom, who later, having seized power, would put his father King David to flight. David would leave his women to watch over his house rather than take them with him to flee. Abvesolom, having occupied Jerusalem, slept with his father’s women in front of all Israel, on the advice of his adviser Ahithophel.
This was a great disgrace to the house of King David for what he did to Bathsheba and her husband Uri.
Bathsheba gave birth to David another son, Solomon. The Bible says that God beat Solomon. He gave Solomon everything, both wisdom and the royal throne of his father David. However, reading the life story of King Solomon, one can understand that although God loved Solomon, the sin of his father David acted in Solomon. King Solomon's love for women knew no bounds. He took wives from all over the world. He flowed to his wives, allowing them to pray to their pagan idols. This did not pass without a trace, and as a result, the wives persuaded King Solomon himself to pray to their pagan idols, which angered God.
It is difficult for any man to cope with two wives, but King Solomon had as many as 700 of them! No matter how wise Solomon was during his lifetime, this did not save him from the fall through prayers to pagan idols, under the influence of his wives. After all, King Solomon was the son of a couple who should not have been together, but became at the whim of his father David.
Immediately after the death of King Solomon, Israel split into two states: Israel and Judah. This was the result of God's wrath against King Solomon.
From the story of King David and his son King Solomon through the lens of the family form, we can conclude that polygamy is not always a good solution. Adam was happy with one wife, whom God chose for him. Kings David and Solomon were not happy with the many wives they chose themselves.
Relationships between spouses
The Bible says that a wife should submit to her husband, as is fitting in the Lord, and a husband should love his wife and not be harsh towards her:
18. Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord. 19. Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them. ( Colossians 3:18,19 )
In the message of St. Paul to the Ephesians we read:
22. Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord, 23. because the husband is the head of the wife, just as Christ is the head of the Church, and He is the Savior of the body. 24. But just as the Church submits to Christ, so do wives to their husbands in everything. ( Ephesians 5:22-24 )
Next app. Pavel writes:
25. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the Church and gave Himself for her, 26. to sanctify her, cleansing her with the washing of water through the word; 27. That he might present it to himself as a glorious church, not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that she might be holy and without blemish. 28. So husbands should love their wives as their own bodies: he who loves his wife loves himself. 29. For no one has ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and warms it, just as the Lord does the Church... ( Ephesians 5:25-29 )
From these verses we see that a husband should be very kind and careful towards his wife, love her and take care of her. A husband should love his wife as he loves his body. And here we come to the intimate side of marital relationships. In the 1st Epistle to the Corinthians, St. Paul writes the following:
3. The husband show his wife due favor; likewise is a wife to her husband. 4. The wife has no power over her body, but the husband does; Likewise, the husband has no power over his body, but the wife does. 5. Do not deviate from each other, except by agreement, for a while, to exercise in fasting and prayer, and then be together again, so that Satan does not tempt you with your intemperance. ( 1 Corinthians 7:3-5 )
Verse 3 says that the husband must fulfill his marital responsibilities to his wife, and the wife to her husband. Pay attention to the sequence. First the husband must satisfy his wife, and then the husband's wife. This is the order we see in this verse. This suggests that the husband should not behave selfishly on the marital bed, but should take care that his wife receives satisfaction, and the wife should take care of the satisfaction of her husband.
In the 4th verse of St. Paul says that the husband no longer has authority over his body, but the wife has authority over her husband's body, and vice versa, the wife no longer has authority over her body, but the husband has authority over her body. This suggests that spouses should not deny each other intimacy. The next verse 5 says that husband and wife should not turn away from each other, i.e. They will avoid intimacy, except during periods of fasting and prayer. Afterwards, spouses should be together, and there is a reason for this, which ap. Paul brought it up so that Satan would not tempt spouses with intemperance. This refers to adultery. If spouses have a crisis in the intimate sphere, then often (not always!) this leads to the husband or wife looking for intimacy on the side, i.e. commit adultery. Ap. Paul says this is under the influence of Satan. This is why the intimate sphere in married life is very important. A wife should look and behave in such a way as to arouse in her husband a desire for intimacy. The husband must ensure that his wife has everything she needs for this.
Save the marriage or get a divorce?
The Bible is clear that God forbade spouses from divorcing:
10. And to those who have entered into marriage I command, not I, but the Lord: the wife must not divorce her husband, 11. but if she divorces, she must remain single, or be reconciled with her husband, and the husband must not leave his wife. ( 1 Corinthians 7:10,11 )
Next app. Pavel writes:
39. A wife is bound by law as long as her husband lives; if her husband dies, she is free to marry whomever she wants, only in the Lord. ( 1 Corinthians 7:39 )
Thus, the Lord does not allow divorce. At the same time, app. Paul gives some clarifications:
12. To the rest I say, and not the Lord: if any brother has an unbelieving wife, and she agrees to live with him, then he should not leave her; 13. And a wife who has an unbelieving husband, and he agrees to live with her, should not leave him. 14. For an unbelieving husband is sanctified by a believing wife, and an unbelieving wife is sanctified by a believing husband. Otherwise your children would have been unclean, but now they are holy. 15. If an unbeliever wants to divorce, let him divorce; the brother or sister is not related in such cases; The Lord has called us to peace. ( 1 Corinthians 7:12-15 )
From these verses we see that divorce is prohibited for spouses who are both believers. If one of the spouses is an unbeliever, then divorce is permissible.
Eliseus
A man leaves his father and mother and cleaves to his wife
There are some things in Scripture that are very difficult to accept. Some statements and phrases, the first reaction to which is rejection.
“And a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh” is also one of these. For many, it causes bewilderment, and sometimes even indignation - how can you leave mom and dad? And only with age, and with increasing family life, do you begin to understand how correct this is. Yes, yes, and this is the only way you can think if you have chosen family life for yourself. This phrase should glue future spouses together tightly, like the strongest glue in the world. Not even glued, but merged together. And if everything has stuck together correctly, then no external factors can create a rift between the spouses.
Moreover, until a person is ready to accept that he will “leave his father and mother,” he, in my opinion, should not start his own family. What does it mean to accept? This means understanding once and for all that from now on your wife/husband is a priority in your life, as they say in politics now. That the interests and opinions of the spouse will come first - ahead of the interests and opinions of the parents. I don’t want to consider some egregious situations and cite them as an example, when parents are clearly and unfairly disadvantaged, when a spouse specifically thinks only about their own benefit, etc. and so on. There is already a question of love and trust in each other, respect for each other. In the end, no one canceled the commandments to honor parents.
I'm not saying that if your parents need help, you should sit and watch a football match with your beloved husband, and not run to help them. Everything should be reasonable and in moderation. But, definitely, family issues are resolved between husband and wife, WITHOUT involving parents on one side or the other. And the husband and wife should always be on each other’s side, and not on the side of their parents. Because your spouse is more important than mom and dad! Because if a husband or wife is torn between their spouse and their parents, then nothing good will come of such a family. It is no secret that it is the interference of parents in the family life of children that is one of the most common causes of disagreements between spouses. And most often, not just interference, but authoritarian pressure on your adult child. There are so many cases around us when family life simply falls apart due to the efforts of parents, more often, alas, mothers. And happy are those families in which mothers-in-law and mother-in-law do not interfere.
By the way, this is why I never liked the idea of a “big patriarchal family”, when several generations live together. Because this is the same thing - no personal life. Spouses should live separately as much as possible. At least at the beginning of their family life, when they build their relationships for the entire subsequent time. Plus, in such a family there is the authority of the elder, which also cannot have a positive influence on the family life of the children. Because once a person is an adult, he himself must become the head of the family, a decision maker, responsible for them. And a woman should be the sole owner. Let's leave aside the discussion of caring for elderly parents, this is a different story, here everything is decided by circumstances.
And, no matter how bitter it may be, in the event of global disagreements, it is better to quarrel with your parents than with your spouse. And even break off relations with them. After all, in marriage, the husband becomes the closest person to his wife, and the wife to her husband. Closer and more important than the closest, blood relatives. For blood kinship is something partly animal, instinctive. Out of curiosity and partly for statistical reasons, I asked women I know about whom they trust more and with whom they agree more often in controversial situations - their husband or mother. The overwhelming majority answered that it was to their husband. Moreover, even in those cases when, figuratively speaking, not everything is “chocolate” in the relationship between the spouses. And most often the answer was - he knows and understands me better than my mother.
It would seem to be horrified here, how can this be?! Mom, her own mother, understands her daughter worse than her husband. But this is natural! For your mother, you are always a child, no matter how old you are. And even the wisest and most beautiful mother, deep down in her heart, still tries to control your actions. And your husband is practically you, a part of you, which means his decision is your decision (which for some reason you cannot express yourself). I once read that the closest relationship (genetically) is between bees from the same hive. Closer than siblings (and this is the closest relationship in humans, as far as I understand). And the bees are therefore completely unanimous. So if such genetic unity is amazing, how much more amazing is marriage! When two people who were once complete strangers to each other become the closest people in the world...
And mothers who actively interfere in the married life of their children should remember that what God has united, let no man separate. We are lucky in life that our parents do not interfere in our family life. In this connection, we have excellent relations with them. And if something is heard addressed to us, it is precisely to OUR address, and not a condemnation of a son-in-law or daughter-in-law. And here’s what else I suddenly remembered: my grandmother once told me that her parents always sided with her husband (and not her) in family matters. Grandmother was sometimes even offended, and only over time she realized how wise it was.
It’s interesting how sometimes some stupid movie, book, conversation, some little thing can suddenly make you think seriously about a serious issue. I recently watched the old film “Stop, or Mom will shoot,” and suddenly I started thinking. I was once asked - how do you talk to your girls about the future life, marriage, etc.? I thought about it and found it difficult to answer because I haven’t said anything specifically yet. So, we can discuss something in between, but there haven’t been any special conversations yet. In principle, I have a lot to say to them on the topic of marriage. Although I understand that, most likely, at a certain stage no one will really listen to me, as happens with teenagers. I think this is temporary, and I hope that the example of our family will teach them everything. I know one thing for sure: I will try to convey to my daughters that from the moment they get married, the main thing in their lives should be their husband. Because “one flesh”, and the words about “cleaving” to one’s husband, leaving one’s father and mother are not a metaphor.
Can you imagine the responsibility we have for the future, the adult future of our children? We must also prepare them for family life. Of course, in a family where the parents are of the same mind, this is much easier to do. Actually, there is no need to do anything special - the children themselves see how close mom and dad, husband and wife are. And each of us, parents, whose children someday - God willing - will find their half, become “one flesh” and leave us forever (as people dependent on us) must come to terms with this in advance. Prepare to calmly release your child into family life. And even cool down a particularly tender relationship a little, so that the daughter (or son) is not tempted to run away from her husband and mother to cry. Undoubtedly, mom still remains a dear and dear person, but if they asked me, I would answer: I want my daughters to have a husband who is the closest person, and not mom or dad.
In this sense, it seems to me that a girl’s childhood desire to marry her father (I wanted too :)) is a very good sign that the relationship between husband and wife in the family is correct. This means that the girl not only loves her dad, it means she sees how he treats her mother, how close and united they are. And as a future woman, normal and ordinary, the girl wants the same relationships within her family. I won’t speak for boys and mothers, because I have no experience in this matter. But it seems to me that mothers of boys (and fathers, of course, but fathers nowadays are less likely to interfere in the family affairs of their adult children) have an even greater responsibility - to raise their son in such a way that one day he can become one with his wife and put her above his mother.
In general, the more you live with your husband, the more you not only understand with your mind, but with your whole being you feel how inextricable the connection between the spouses is. How truly mystical this connection is. Which persists even after the death of one of the spouses, of which there are many examples, I think, among your friends. Just when I had been thinking about this text and the whole topic of the community of spouses for several days, I came across this statement from the diaries of Empress Alexandra Feodorovna Romanova:
There is something sacred and almost awe-inspiring in the fact that a wife, when entering into marriage, concentrates all her interests on the one whom she takes as her husband. She leaves her childhood home, mother and father, breaks all the threads that connect her with her past life. She leaves the entertainment to which she was previously accustomed. She looks into the face of the one who asked her to become his wife, and with a trembling heart, but with calm trust, she hands him her life. And the husband happily feels this trust. This constitutes the happiness of the human heart for a lifetime, capable of both unspeakable joy and immeasurable suffering. The wife gives everything to her husband in the fullest sense. For any man, this is a solemn moment - to accept responsibility for the young, fragile, tender life that has been entrusted to him, and to cherish it, protect it, preserve it until death snatches his treasure from his hands or until death strikes him.
As far as this is accurate, only a wife could write this, completely at one with her husband, completely becoming one with him.
And here I will even say (although I am sure that many will not agree with me) that the connection between husband and wife is so close that even children in the family are secondary. They are already just an addition to their parents, and their main family will one day be their own family. Very often, with the birth of children, the emphasis shifts, and after a while it turns out that the entire family life is focused only on the children, revolves around them and puts their interests above all else. It seems to me that this is somehow wrong... Although, undoubtedly, at some period of life there is no escape from this. The main thing is not to forget to get out of this state later and return the spouses to each other, not to become just colleagues in caring for children. And spouses must spend at least some time together; this is, if you like, a production necessity. Just like any person needs to be alone with himself. And sometimes the benefit of something for the wife/husband should be placed above the interests and benefits for the children. In my opinion, children need to be immediately taught that mom and dad only have their time, their personal life, access to which is closed to children.
It may seem to some that I am contradicting myself, what I wrote in previous articles, about how useful it is to be an obstinate wife, and now suddenly about like-mindedness. But this is the amazingness of marital unity: becoming one whole, one flesh, each of the spouses remains himself. This is not dissolution, this is cooperation, complementing each other, mutual enrichment, educating ourselves, and therefore each other. It is important that the main thing be common, the main direction of life, if you like. For each family, this unity develops in its own way, often not immediately, and very often it turns out “through thorns to the stars.” The main thing is to let it work!
Chapter XIX
Matthew 19:1–3. When Jesus finished these words, he left Galilee and came to the borders of Judea, on the Trans-Jordan side. Many people followed Him; and He healed them there. And the Pharisees came to Him, and, tempting Him, said to Him: Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for any reason?
From Galilee He came to Judea; and so the party of Pharisees and Sadducees asks Him: is it permissible for a husband to divorce his wife for any reason. This is in order to put Him in difficulty with the [so-called] horned inference (syllogismo), for no matter what He answered, He could be caught in words. If He had said that one should let one’s wife go for any reason and marry another, then He would have turned out to be a preacher of what is contrary to modesty. And if He had answered that divorce cannot be granted for every fault, then He would have been caught as guilty of blasphemy, and would have reasoned as acting against Moses, and through Moses he would have been [the enemy] of God. Therefore, the Lord so proportions His answer that he bypasses their trick, bringing into evidence the Holy Scripture and natural law and contrasting the original command of God with the latter, which was a concession not to the will of God, but to the needs of those who sin.
Matthew 19:4. He answered and said to them, Have you not read that He who created in the beginning made them male and female?
This is written at the beginning of the book of Genesis; and by saying: "man" and "woman", He shows that it is necessary to avoid the second marriage union, because He does not say: "man" and "women", which was intended to dissolve the first union, but: "man" and "woman" "so that they would be bound by fate with their wife alone.
Matthew 19:5–6. And he said, “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh, so that they are no longer two, but one flesh.”
In exactly the same way He says: “he will cleave411 to his wife,” and not: “to their wives.” And the two will become one flesh412. The reward of marriage is that the two will become one flesh. Integrity united with spirit, producing one spirit.
“Therefore, what God has joined together, let no man put asunder”413 - God united414, making man and woman one flesh; [no] man can divide it except God alone. A person separates when he lets go of his first wife due to the desire to have another wife; God separates - God, who has united - when, for the sake of serving God, by mutual agreement (because the time is near), we have wives as if we did not have them (1 Cor. 7:29).
Matthew 19:7. They say to Him: How did Moses command to give a letter of divorce and divorce her?
They reveal the slander against the Lord that they have prepared. However, there is no doubt that the Lord did not express his judgment, but only reproduced the events of the ancient life of the people and the commandments of God.
Matthew 19:8. He says to them: Moses, because of your hardness of heart, allowed you to divorce your wives; but at first it wasn’t like that.
His words are of this kind: “Can God contradict Himself in such a way as to first order one thing, and then violate His sentence with a new command?” This is not how one should reason; and so that when Moses saw that, as a result of the desire to have other wives, or richer, or younger, or more beautiful, the first wives were killed or led a miserable life, he chose to soften the disagreement in order to prevent hatred and murder from continuing (Deut. 24, 1–4). At the same time, pay attention to the fact that He did not say: “Because of the hardness of your hearts God commanded you,” but: “Moses,” so that, as the apostle says (1 Cor. 7:25),415, this is human advice, and not the command of God.
Matthew 19:9. But I say to you: whoever divorces his wife [for any reason] not because of adultery and marries another commits adultery; and he who marries a divorced woman commits adultery.
Let only one adultery [of the wife] prevail over the inclination towards the wife. And, moreover, when a wife divides one flesh into two and through adultery separates herself from her husband, then she should not be restrained [by her husband], so that the husband does not fall under the curse of the words of Scripture: “Whoever restrains an adulterous woman is foolish and wicked” (Prov. 6.32–33)416. So, wherever adultery is discovered, or even only suspected, there the wife is released freely. But since it may happen that someone dishonors an innocent woman, and by a second marriage puts the blame on the first wife, it is commanded that he should release his wife, but in such a way that during the life of [this] first or second wife he no longer has . In fact, His words mean the following: “If you let your wife go not because of lust, but because of resentment [to her, or from her], then why, having experienced misfortune in your first marriage, do you expose yourself to the danger of a new one?” And moreover, it could happen that, on the basis of the same law, the wife could also give a divorce to her husband, so the same warning is given - namely, that she should not take another husband. And since a dissolute woman and one who has already set foot on the path of adultery will not be afraid of shame, the second husband is given a warning that he will be guilty of adultery if he takes her as his wife.
Matthew 19:10. His disciples tell Him: if such is the duty and such is the attitude of a man towards his wife, then it is better not to marry.
Wives constitute a great burden if one cannot let them go [for any reason] other than adultery [on their part]. Well, in fact, if a wife indulges in drunkenness or is angry, or of a bad temper, or gluttonous, or not assiduous [fickle, fickle, restless], or quarrelsome, or slanderous, should she really tolerate a wife of this kind [with herself]? ]? Whether we want it or not, it must be restrained; since we were free and voluntarily submitted to this slavery. Therefore, the disciples, seeing the severity of the marriage yoke, discover the movement of their souls and say: “If this is a man’s duty to his wife, then it is better not to marry.”
Matthew 19:11. He said to them: not everyone can receive this word, but to those who have been given it.
By this word, let no one mean fate or happiness, because these are 417 [either] virgins (virgines), to whom it is given from God [to be such], or those whom chance has brought into such a state; but it was given to those who asked for it, wanted it, or worked to achieve it. In fact, to everyone who asks, it will be given, and he who seeks will find, and to him who knocks it will be opened (Matt. 7:8; Luke 11:10).
Matthew 19:12. For there are eunuchs who were born like this from their mother’s womb, and there are eunuchs who became [such] through people; and there are eunuchs who made themselves eunuchs for the sake of the kingdom of heaven; whoever can accept, let him accept419
There are three kinds of eunuchs: two are carnal, the third is spiritual. Some are those who were born as such from their mother’s womb, others are those who became such either in captivity, or at the whim of their owners. The third are those who castrated themselves for the sake of the Kingdom of Heaven, and became eunuchs for the sake of Christ, although they could have been men. It is to such that the reward is promised; and to the above-mentioned [first two genera], whose emasculation is a matter of necessity, and not of will, nothing should be done. We can explain this another way. Eunuchs from their mother's womb are those who are colder by nature and do not seek the satisfaction of lust. And other eunuchs - made by people - are those who were either raised by the wise men of this world (philosophers - philosophi), and pampered to the level of women (emolliuntur in feminas) by serving idols, or those who, according to the conviction of heretics, lead a feigned blameless life so that to deceive [others] with the feigned purity of one’s faith (ut mentiantur religionis veritatem). But none of them will inherit the Kingdom of Heaven except the one who castrates himself for the sake of Christ. That’s why He adds: “Whoever can accept, let him accept”420, namely, so that everyone pays attention to his own strength, whether it is possible for him to fulfill the commandments of virginity and purity. Indeed, purity in itself is seductive and can attract anyone to itself; but at the same time it is necessary to be in proportion421 to one’s own strengths, so that [her vows] are taken upon himself by the one who can accept. These words are, as it were, the voice of the Lord convincing and rousing his soldiers to receive a reward for the purity of life: “Whoever can accept, let him accept,”422 [i.e. f] whoever can fight423, let him fight424, win and triumph.
Matthew 19:13–14. Then the children were brought to Him so that He could lay His hands on them and pray; the disciples rebuked them. But Jesus said.
[The disciples did this] not because they did not want them to be blessed by the words and hand of the Savior, but because, not having completely perfect (plenissimam) faith, they thought that He, like other people, would be tired of the annoyingness (untimeliness) of those who brought .
Matthew 19:15. [continuation of the 14th and 15th]: Let the children come and do not hinder them from coming to Me, for of such is the Kingdom of Heaven. And laying his hands on them, he went away from there.
He says meaningfully: “such” to show that it is not their age that matters, but their character; and He promises a reward to those who have the same innocence and simplicity. The Apostle also in his words fully agrees with the same sentence of the Lord: “Brothers! Do not be children in your mind; be children in evil, but mature in your mind” (1 Cor. 14:20).
Matthew 19:16. [and the beginning of the 17th]: And behold, someone came up and said to Him: Good Teacher! What good thing can I do to have eternal life? He told him.
The one who asked how he would inherit eternal life was young, and rich, and proud; and according to the words of other evangelists, he asked not with the goal of learning, but with the goal of testing.
Matthew 19:17. [continued]: Why do you ask Me about good (Quid me interrogas de bono). God alone is good.425
Since the one who asked called the Teacher good, but did not confess Him either as God or as the Son of God, he is given a lesson in the sense that a holy man is compared to God, about whom it is said: “Give thanks to the Lord, for He is good” (Ps. 117 ,1), is not good. But lest anyone think that the words about the goodness of God exclude the goodness of the Son, we read in another place: “The good shepherd (bonus good) lays down his life for his sheep” (John 10:11).426; and the prophet says that the Spirit is good and the earth is good. Thus, the Savior does not reject the testimony of [His] goodness, but He denies the incorrect thought that a teacher without God can be good.
Matthew 19:18–19. [end of 17th, 18th and 19th]: If you want to enter into eternal life, keep the commandments. He says to Him: which ones? Jesus said: Do not kill; Thou shalt not commit adultery; don't steal; do not bear false witness; honor your father and mother; and: love your neighbor as yourself.
That the young man who asked was a tempter, we can prove this by the fact that to the words of the Lord addressed to him: “If you want to enter into eternal life, keep the commandments,” he answers with a cunning question, what commandments are they, as if he himself had not read, or as if the Lord [Jesus Christ] could command something contrary to God.
Matthew 19:20–21. The young man said to Him: I have kept all this from my youth; what else am I missing? Jesus told him
The young man tells a lie; Indeed, if he actually fulfilled what is said in the commandments: “Love your neighbor as yourself,” then how, then, hearing the words: “Go and sell what you have and give to the poor,”427 he leaves saddened, because that he had many riches?
Matthew 19:21. [end]: If you want to be perfect, go, sell your possessions and give to the poor; and you will have treasure in heaven; and come and follow Me.
Whether we want to be perfect is in our control. But whoever wants to be perfect must sell what he has; and sell not only a part, as Ananias and Sapphira did (Acts 5), but sell everything, and when he sells, give everything to the poor, and thus prepare for himself treasure in the Kingdom of Heaven. But this will be sufficient for perfection only when, having despised wealth, he follows the Savior, that is, leaving evil, he will do good. Indeed, it is easier to disdain wealth (sacculum, that is, a wallet, a bag for money) than pleasure. Many, leaving wealth, do not follow the Lord. And the Lord follows the one who imitates Him and walks in His footsteps. “Whoever says that he abides in Him must do as He walked” (1 John 2:6).
Matthew 19:22. He went away sad, for he had much wealth.428
This is the sadness that leads to death (2 Cor. 7:10).429 The reason for the sadness is also indicated here - that he had many possessions, that is, those thorns and thistles that suppressed the Divine seeds.
Matthew 19:23. Jesus said to His disciples: Truly I say to you, it is difficult for a rich man to enter the Kingdom of Heaven.
But how did Abraham, Isaac and Jacob, rich people, enter, according to the testimony of the Lord, into the Kingdom of Heaven (Gen. 13; Gen. 36), as well as Matthew and Zacchaeus, according to the Gospel, after they left their wealth? However, here you need to pay attention to the fact that when they entered, they were no longer rich. Thus, they did not enter as long as they were rich. However, although it is difficult for riches to become an object of contempt, He did not say: “It is impossible for a rich man to enter the Kingdom of Heaven,” but said: “It is difficult.” Where difficulty is indicated, impossibility is not presented, but difficulty is only stated.
Matthew 19:24–26. And again I tell you: it is easier for a camel (camelum) to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God. Hearing this, His disciples were greatly amazed and said: So who can be saved? And Jesus looked up and said to them, “With men this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.”
These words already show that it is not [only] difficult, but also impossible [for a rich person to enter the Kingdom of Heaven]. Indeed, if a camel cannot pass through the eye of a needle, and if likewise a rich man cannot enter the Kingdom of Heaven; then none of the rich will be saved. However, if we read in Isaiah about how the camels of Midian and Ephah will arrive in Jerusalem with gifts and treasures (Is. 60:6), and also how those who were originally bent and twisted by the ugliness of vices enter the gates of Jerusalem, then we We will see that these camels, with which the rich are compared, after they have laid aside the burden of sins and are freed from all the ugliness of the body, can enter the narrow gate and enter the narrow path leading to life (Matthew 7). And when the disciples ask a question and are surprised at the severity of what was said [saying], “Who will be saved in this way?” He mercifully softens the severity of His sentence, saying: “What is impossible with men is possible with God.”
Matthew 19:27. Then Peter answered and said to Him: Behold, we have left everything and followed You; what will happen to us?
Great faith: Peter was a fisherman, he was not a rich man, he earned his bread with his own hands and art, and yet he says with complete confidence: “They left everything.” But since it is not enough to leave everything, he also adds what he says about [their] perfection: “And they followed You.” “We have done what You commanded; So what reward will You give us?”
Matthew 19:28. Jesus said to them, “Truly I say to you, that you who have followed Me, in the regeneration, when the Son of Man sits on the throne of His glory, you also will sit on twelve thrones, judging the twelve tribes of Israel.
He did not say: “those who left everything,” for the philosopher Crates [or: Socrates] did this, as well as many others left with contempt for wealth; but said: “those who followed Me,” which in the proper sense was done by the apostles and other believers. At the time of rebirth, when the Son of Man sits on the throne of His majesty, when the incorruptible are raised from the dead from corruption, you too will sit on the benches of judges, condemning the twelve tribes of Israel, for when you believed, they did not want to believe.
Matthew 19:29–30. And whoever leaves houses, or brothers, or sisters, or father, or mother, or wife, or children, or lands, for My name’s sake, will receive a hundredfold and will inherit eternal life; but many who are first will be last, and those who are last will be first.
This place coincides with the word of the Savior, with which He says: “I did not come to bring peace, but a sword; For I have come to set a man against his father, and a daughter against her mother, and a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law. And a man’s enemies are his own household” (Matthew 10:34-36). So, the one who, for the sake of faith in Christ and the preaching of the Gospel, leaves with contempt all the inclinations and riches and pleasures of the world, [he] will receive a hundred times more and will have eternal life. Regarding this word of the Lord, many accept the teaching of the thousand-year Kingdom after the Resurrection, saying that then we will receive a hundred times more than what we left behind, and that we should be given eternal life as a reward. They do not understand that if in relation to other things the promise is honorable (digna), then in relation to wives it would be disgraceful for someone who left one [wife] for the Lord to receive a hundred in the future. Thus, the meaning is that he who has left the carnal for the sake of the Savior will receive the spiritual, which, in comparison with the value of his merit, will be such as a small number compared to a hundredfold number. Therefore, the apostle says that those who left only a small house and insignificant fields in one area are “as if they had nothing, but possessed everything” (2 Cor. 6:10).431
