The death of a loved one is a difficult experience even for an adult. For the child, it is complicated by less understanding of what happened and less developed skills to cope with stress and crises. No matter how you tell your baby the sad news, he will probably suffer. But if you do it correctly and gently, then this suffering will be somewhat less severe.
Children's understanding of death
The first idea of death appears in a child at the age of 2-3 years. Of course, at this age children do not yet understand the concept of death, but when they encounter it in fairy tales and in the stories of adults, they begin to become interested and ask questions.
At the age of 5-7 years, a child goes through the first stage of understanding death, which is associated with the development of the logical thinking of a preschooler. A child at this age realizes that all people grow old, die, that there are accidents and illnesses in the world, and most importantly, the child suddenly understands that all this concerns both himself and his loved ones . Preschoolers may ask many questions about death and be afraid to let go of their mother and other loved ones.
At primary school age, the emotionality of experiencing issues of life and death decreases somewhat, but the child continues to comprehend this concept on an intellectual level, getting to know the world around him. It is important not to ignore this issue when talking with preschoolers and primary schoolchildren, as this will only intensify the child’s fears.
What is death
Since children do not know about this phenomenon, it depends on your explanation how the baby will perceive life and death. Will he become easy and relaxed about this or will he withdraw into himself and be afraid of every rustle.
Unfortunately, there is no universal explanation. In each family, everything happens very individually, but there are general principles that will definitely help you.
If you have a deeply religious family, then all your explanations will be clear. In accordance with your faith, your attitude towards death is appropriate. But don’t forget that you can tell your baby about other beliefs. About the fact that in some countries death is greeted with a smile on the face, because it is believed that a person has found himself in a better world.
We should start with the fact that life has its own rules. First, a little man is born, lives a long and happy life, gives birth to children, then he has grandchildren, and then old age comes and he dies.
Tell us about old age using flowers as an example. That they are born in the spring, live all summer, giving people their beauty, and in the fall they fade, scattering seeds so that new flowers are born.
But death sometimes comes not only because of old age. Losing a loved one can be unexpected due to an accident. And here you need to explain that your life is worth valuing. That sometimes illnesses happen, disasters happen. Speak calmly and unemotionally. As soon as your child sees your fear, he immediately adopts it.
One of my friends explained the death of her beloved animal this way: our dog went to the farm because there is fresh air and she lives better there. The baby seemed to take everything fine. But then it turned out that he had been waiting all year for summer to go to this very farm, to see his beloved dog.
Talk or hide?
Many adults, asking this question, choose the option of hiding a sad fact from the child, arguing that they care about the baby’s psyche or that he still “doesn’t understand yet.” In fact, behind such a decision is largely the adult’s own fear of confronting this topic, the need to somehow deal with the child’s unpredictable reaction, and general confusion.
In fact, even a small child, who is not yet able to fully understand what the word “death” means, is acutely aware of the changes taking place around him on an emotional level. At the same time, the general position of psychologists is that any grief requires time to live, and only after experiencing this emotion can a person return to a full life. Often, immediately after a tragedy, loved ones do not dare to tell the child the truth, hiding behind legends about long business trips or illnesses, but at some point it becomes obvious that the truth will have to be told. Such a “delayed” truth often traumatizes the child even more.
Thus, it is important to convey the painful truth to the child at the earliest possible opportunity . And be there to help the baby survive the loss. Depending on the age, awareness may not come to the child immediately. Gradually growing up, he will return to what he experienced and endow the death of a loved one with ever new meanings, realizing it more and more deeply.
Uncomfortable Conversations
Parents often get scared, embarrassed, and lost when their children ask awkward questions. This applies not only to the issue of death, but also to the topic of sex. My articles “Sex education of a child” and “What to do if a child sees this” will help you in this matter.
Understand that you cannot avoid such conversations and explanations. Therefore, it will be much better if you think a little in advance about what to do and what to respond in such a situation. A psychologist's advice always boils down to one simple rule: you need to talk to your child about such topics; you should not avoid them.
The situation can arise for various reasons: a misfortune occurred in your family, a child saw a dead cat on the street, the topic of a funeral or death was touched upon in a movie or cartoon. Usually children don’t ask such questions just like that. Be sure to ask where he got such an interest.
Many things are incomprehensible to a small child. There were many things he had simply never even encountered. And you must teach him life. Explain and talk about everything that is happening. Don't be silent, don't avoid answering, don't be embarrassed, and don't get too emotional. Seeing your worries, the child may begin to be afraid and withdraw into himself.
Understand that in any case, there will come a time in your life when your baby asks you an uncomfortable question. Gently ask where he got these thoughts, what prompted him to ask you a question.
Do not scold or yell at your baby under any circumstances. Don't say that he is too young for such conversations. If there is interest, it must be satisfied. If you don’t tell them, the children will quickly find another source of information.
How to explain death to a child?
Often speaking to a child about the death of a loved one, adults try to avoid using the very words “death”, “died”, replacing them with vague “left us”, “looks at us from the sky”, “gone to another world” and so on. This is not entirely correct; our vague formulations will prevent the child from truly understanding what happened . Therefore, when starting a conversation, it is important to call things by their proper names.
It is also important for preschoolers to understand the reasons for what happened. Explain, if possible, what happened, whether it was an illness, an accident, an accident. It is important for a child to internally build a logical chain so that death does not seem even more frightening and mystical to him.
When talking about death, answering questions about where your loved one is now, stick to what you yourself believe in . Any religious models are acceptable here, but only if you do not invent them as a fairy tale for a child, but sincerely believe in them. You can tell your child about the soul and body of a person, that the deceased remains forever in the memory of the people who love him. It is certainly important that the tragic news is conveyed to the child by someone close to him.
Be sure to tell your child that this is a serious tragedy for your family, that it is normal to feel pain, loneliness, sadness, that you share these feelings, and will try to stick together to help each other.
How to tell your child about the death of a loved one?
The first question that people who find themselves in such a situation ask themselves is: “To speak or not to speak?” It seems that there are the same number of arguments and pros and cons. The pain of losing a loved one and caring for the child dictate the decision “not to talk, to hide, I don’t want the baby to experience the same terrible feelings as I do.” In fact, this is not common sense, this little-conscious cowardice whispers: “Why talk? I feel so bad now, there is no one to take care of me in such trouble, and if I say, I will have to face the unpredictable reaction of the child, which I am afraid of. And instead of being with myself in my grief, I will have to take care not of my feelings, but of his. This is hard for me, I can’t handle it, I don’t want to, I won’t.”
If you realize these secret desires of your own soul to hide from even greater grief and pain, then it is clear that the initial decision to hide, to keep the truth about the death of a loved one from the child, is extremely wrong and, moreover, dangerous. A child under 6 years of age forms his life position and his attitude towards the world and other people. He doesn’t understand where his mother went, why everyone around him is whispering about something, starting to treat him differently, feeling sorry for him, although he has not changed his behavior and is not sick.
Children are very intuitive. They see that “something is wrong” with the adults, their mother is not around, and his questions about her are answered with something incomprehensible (she left, got sick, etc.). The unknown causes fear. A child in such a situation can make 2 diametrically opposed decisions:
1. I am bad, that’s why my mother abandoned me, I am unworthy (of life, pleasures, joy, toys, etc.)
2. Mom is bad because she left me. Since the person closest to me abandoned me, it means I can’t trust anyone in this terrible world.
Between these poles there are a thousand possible solutions that create a negative attitude towards oneself, loved ones, life, low self-esteem, hatred, anger, and resentment.
Therefore, no matter how painful it is, you need to inform your child about the death of a loved one immediately. If you do this later (“I’ll tell you after the funeral, after the wake, after the mourning...), the belated message can give rise to resentment towards the remaining loved ones (They don’t trust me, otherwise they would have told me right away), anger (How could he hide, he’s the father, but I loved him!), distrust (Since my close people didn’t tell me about this, it means everyone around is a liar and you can’t trust anyone).
Who should talk to a child about death? Of course, the closest of the remaining relatives, the one whom the child trusts most, with whom he can share his grief. The more faith and support a child finds from this person, the better his adaptation to a new life situation (without mom or dad, or grandfather, or brother) will be.
Children 3-6 years old already know something about death, but have a poor understanding of death itself. Possessing a “magical” imagination, not yet knowing for sure how the world works, a child at this age believes that this will not happen to him or his loved ones. Dependence on parents at this age creates a fear that if the parent leaves the child, something terrible will happen to the child. Therefore, it is necessary to talk about the death of a loved one very tactfully, calmly, and in a form accessible to the child. You must be prepared and accept any emotional reaction of the child to this message and answer all his questions.
In addition, it is very important to immediately explain all aspects of death that may cause fears or feelings of guilt in the child. If death occurred as a result of illness, explain that not all diseases lead to death, so that later, if the child becomes ill, he will not be afraid to die. (Grandma was very sick, and the doctors could not cure her. Let’s remember, you were sick last month and got better. And I was sick recently, remember? And I also got better. Yes, there are diseases for which there is no cure yet medicines, but you can grow up, become a doctor and find a cure for the most dangerous disease.) If death occurred as a result of an accident, you need to explain the fact of death without blaming anyone for it.
To prevent the child from developing a fear of losing the remaining loved ones, you need to tell him that the others want to live long and do not want to leave him alone. (Yes, my mother died, but I want to live a very long time, I want to be with you all the time, I will take care of you until you grow up. Don’t be afraid, you are not alone).
An adult must block the feeling of guilt that arises in a child (It’s not your fault that your mother died. No matter how you behave, it still happened. So let’s better talk about how we can live on). Here it is appropriate to let the child understand that now is a very important moment to reassess relationships with remaining loved ones. (You loved dad very much, and I won’t be able to replace him, but I will try very hard to give you the same support as he did.) (You always trusted your secrets only to your mom. I won’t be able to replace her in this. But I really I want you to know that you can tell me about any of your difficulties and I will help you. You are not alone, we are together.)
In such a conversation, no matter how painful it may be, the adult must accept any emotions of the child that arose in connection with the death of a loved one. If this is sadness, it must be shared (I am also sad that my grandmother is no longer with us. Let's look at the photos and remember what she was like). If anger is to let it splash out (If I were you, I would also be terribly angry that dad died. Who are you angry at? After all, dad is not to blame for this. Will your anger help what happened? Let’s better talk about dad. So that did you want to tell him now? What would he say to you in response?) If it’s guilt, explain that he’s not to blame (You quarreled with your brother, but that’s not why he died. Okay, you regret it. But it wasn’t your behavior that caused his death).
If the child is too young and his vocabulary is small, you can invite him to draw his feeling (grief can be experienced in this way, no matter how strange it may seem). For example, fear can be black, sadness can be blue, resentment can be green, and anger can be purple. The main thing is for the child to understand that he is not alone and has the right to freely express feelings that will be accepted by his loved ones.
You cannot tell a child what he should or should not feel and how he should or should not express them. (Don't cry, mom wouldn't like it.) (You're old enough to cry.) (Poor orphan, now you'll feel very bad.) (You shouldn't play, because grandpa is no longer with us.) By saying things like that, we We “program” the child to express feelings that he does not actually experience. He may decide for himself that real feelings are bad, they must be suppressed, and he must demonstrate only desirable behavior to others. Such a decision can lead to emotional coldness in adulthood.
In no case should you forbid a child to show his emotions of grief (You shouldn’t cry, go play so as not to think about it). Unlived feelings of grief are the basis for psychosomatic illnesses in later life.
It is also dangerous to “load” a child with your emotions. The tantrums of relatives, their “withdrawal into themselves,” excessively shown pity can frighten (Grandma screams like that - it means death, this is something very scary), make you feel unnecessary (Mom cries all the time about Dad, but she still has me So she doesn't need me.). You cannot program the future life of a family without joy and happiness (Your sister died, now we will never be happy as before).
You cannot, wittingly or unwittingly, use the image of the deceased to form in a child the behavior desired by adults (Don’t be naughty, mom is now looking at you “from there” and gets upset) (Don’t cry, dad always taught you to be a real man, he wouldn’t like it).
The child should not only hear, but also feel that he is not alone, there is a person next to him who shares his feelings. There is no need to hide your feelings from your child; on the contrary, you can and should talk about them too. (I also miss my mom very much. Let's talk about her.) (I'm crying because I feel very bad. I'm thinking now that dad died. But I won't always be sad, and you're not to blame for my sadness. Grief sooner or later it goes away.)
At this moment, it is very important to orient the child to activity, telling him what he can do for the deceased person. And here it is very important not to make the deceased an “all-seeing eye” (Mom is now in heaven and is looking at you, so behave well), but to explain how our deeds on earth can help the deceased. If a child is familiar with the basics of Orthodoxy, this is easier, since he has already heard about the soul and what happens to it after death.
If not, tell the child in an accessible form that when a person dies, a soul remains, which during the first three days says goodbye to everything that was dear to it during life, for example, to relatives and friends. The soul is with us for three days, therefore, according to Christian custom, the funeral is scheduled for the third day, when the soul “flies away.” Until the ninth day, at the command of God, the human soul contemplates the beauties of paradise and the abysses of hell. After this, until the fortieth day, the soul undergoes trials (ordeals), in which every deed, word and even thought of a person during life is discussed. Moreover, Angels testify for man, and demons testify against him. How the soul passes this test determines its fate. And at this moment, prayer for the deceased is very important; it can provide support to the soul at such a “preliminary” trial.
By praying for the deceased, the child helps his soul. At the same time, in his thoughts he is next to him, he can feel caring for someone who is not there, more adult, responsible. At this time, the child can realize that death does not end life, that good deeds and actions give the soul another, eternal life. This understanding reduces the fear of death in children.
When telling a child about death from a religious point of view, it is important not to make the mistake of creating an image of a “terrible God.” (God took my mother, now she is better there than here). The child may develop an irrational fear that he, too, will be “taken away.” About the fact that “it’s better there” is also incomprehensible to children. (If “there” is better, then why is everyone crying? And if death is better than life, then why live?).
Also, you shouldn’t say that “grandfather fell asleep forever”, “dad left us forever.” Children think very specifically. Such words can provoke the fear of sleep (if I fall asleep, it means I will die), the fear of losing a loved one (mom went to the store - she, too, can leave forever, die).
So, what and how can and should be said among all these “don’ts”?
Choose a place where you will not be disturbed and make sure you have enough time to talk. Tell the truth. If the death was caused by an illness that the child knew about, start there. If it is an accident, tell how it happened, perhaps starting from the time the child separated from the relative. (You saw how dad went to work this morning...). It’s hard for you at this moment too, but for the sake of the child you need to muster up courage and help him. Watch his reactions, react to his words and feelings. Be as kind and empathetic as possible in this situation. Talk about your feelings without showing them. Let him know and feel that you are nearby, you will not leave him. Tell them that no one can replace the deceased, but you will help fill the void as best you can. Tell your child how the funeral will take place, what is happening in the soul. Teach to pray for the deceased. Promise that you will be there and that you can talk about everything: fears, guilt, anger. Be sure to keep this promise. Be prepared to share with your child any feelings that may arise in connection with this news.
The death of a close relative is a great grief for all family members. It depends on adults, on their support and sympathy, how terrible and painful this loss will be for the child. Kindness to the child, acceptance of his feelings and emotions, permission “not to take the blame for this death,” filling the place that the deceased occupied in the child’s life will help the child get through grief without psychological “complications.”
If you are unable to talk to your child about the death of a loved one, immediately contact a psychological help service (in person or by phone), they will provide you with the necessary support.
©
How might the child react?
Be prepared for the fact that the child's reaction may be completely unpredictable. From inconsolable sobs to outward ignorance of the news. Each of us experiences grief differently, and children are no exception. Some children try to share their feelings with loved ones, while others withdraw into themselves. One way or another, it takes time to comprehend the tragedy that has occurred.
Of course, a child needs support and help in coping with the death of a loved one. First of all, we are talking about emotional warmth; it is important to simply be there, comfort, share the baby’s feelings and accept them. The child will definitely have many questions about what happened, how to continue to live in the world, whether this will happen to other loved ones and to himself.
In most cases, a child experiencing the death of a loved one will benefit from special work with a child psychologist, which allows him to soften his experiences and cope with them in a less traumatic way. It is recommended to consult a specialist both when a child experiences grief very acutely, and, conversely, when he withdraws into himself and does not show his feelings in any way. This is especially true in a situation where other relatives of the child themselves are experiencing very hard what happened and cannot fully help the baby.
To lie or not to lie?
Quite often, parents who do not dare tell their child about the death of a loved one invent some story: they say that this person, in fact, has gone far, far away and will not return soon. If you really care about your baby’s psyche, then it’s better not to do this. There are just a lot of reasons here:
- The first and most important. If you lie to your child that a loved one has not died, then you most likely do not plan to take him with you to funerals, wakes and other ritual ceremonies, and you simply plan to visit the grave without him. But, by and large, you have no right to this. Yes, the events associated with the funeral process are sad, tragic, and will almost certainly bring tears to your child. But these are also events that allow you to say goodbye to the deceased, finally realize that he is no longer in our world, and let him go. If you do not take your child with you to the funeral, then you are depriving him of this opportunity. And when he learns about the death of a loved one (and he almost certainly will), this opportunity will not be returned. And this causes more misunderstanding and suffering than an open experience of loss.
- As noted in the previous paragraph, the child will almost certainly eventually learn (perhaps even very soon from chatty relatives or neighbors) about the death of a loved one who “went on a business trip.” And then, in addition to the inability to normally survive all the stages of saying goodbye to him, he will also be offended that he was lied to. Moreover, he is offended quite justifiably.
- The atmosphere of grief cannot be hidden. Let's say you hide what happened. But you will not escape your depressed state, as well as the similar state of other relatives, as well as all the hassle associated with organizing the funeral, and the need to be present at the event itself. And all this, coupled with a lack of understanding of the reasons for this state of affairs, will create a difficult, oppressive atmosphere for the child, in which it will be very difficult for him to be. In general, don’t think that you can just lie, and the child won’t understand or feel anything - children, sometimes, feel other people’s emotional states even better than adults.
- The child will consider himself abandoned. If this was a person who was really close to him, then over time he will begin to get bored because this person has stopped coming to him, inviting him to visit, calling, and so on. And not to understand why the grandmother, grandfather, mother, father, aunt, uncle, sister or brother, with whom they were so close, now does not want to communicate with him at all.
What to pay attention to
It is very important to create a realistic representation. Pay attention to the cartoons your kids watch. After all, they do not show death as it really is. There, legs and arms are sewn on, the bear cub calmly gets up after the explosion and moves on, the heroes fall from a height and nothing happens to them, and so on.
Try to explain that everything happens differently in life. That you need to carefully monitor yourself and your surroundings. That crawling on the windowsill is very dangerous.
It is completely normal if a child begins to ask constant questions: is it possible to die from this wound; and this scratch is fatal. Don't laugh under any circumstances. Calmly tell us which injuries cause no harm, and which can lead to serious consequences.
In addition, pay attention to the wording with which you explain the death of your grandmother or grandfather. Saying “he left” or “she moved away” can cause harm. When the father leaves home, the child will fear that he will leave and not return. Or the mother’s long absence will be perceived as such a departure.
The child can use the theme of death in his games for some time after the conversation. Don't get scared and start tearing your hair out. Everything is fine. The children are interested, this is a new topic for them, they study it from different angles. Just always be prepared to provide clarification and answer additional questions.
