Grudge is a sin because there is no God in it
God is love, as the famous Christian formula says. And the Holy Scripture calls on Christians to do everything with love, or at least strive for it. In case of offense, a loving person forgives. And it would be completely wrong and even destructive for the soul to move in the opposite direction - not to forgive and remember the evil caused.
Saint Ignatius Brianchaninov covered this topic very widely. Among other things, he writes:
“God love is, therefore, rejection of love or memory of malice is renunciation of God”
Changes needed
It is possible and necessary to fight negative feelings. With some effort, a person will learn to see the situation from a different angle, get rid of his hypersensitivity and plans for revenge.
- Positive attitude. You should not take seriously the actions of others towards you. Every person has personal motives or mistakes in relationships with people. We need to perceive offenders as inexperienced children who tend to act stupidly.
- Emphasis on the positive aspects. Observing the wrong actions of other people, you should analyze their motive, looking for something good for yourself.
- Constructive attitude. Calmly observing the offender’s unsuccessful attempts to inflict pain, a self-confident person causes him a feeling of annoyance and irritation, while protecting his own health and inner balance. Not achieving his goal, the enemy sooner or later stops delivering “moral blows”, subsequently experiencing respect for such a strong, self-controlled person.
- Indifference to the opinions of others. Gossip and criticism will not cause any moral injury to a person who is indifferent to public statements.
Memory malice has pride at its root
Resentment does not arise on its own. A person who takes everything lightly does not have problems communicating with other people. He easily forgives them for their shortcomings. But taking oneself too seriously is what pushes a person to resentment.
What does too serious mean? This is when the situation gets out of control and turns into a painful state. It's called pride.
Hence the main conclusion: if a person shows rancor, then this is a symptom of pride. That is, instead of one sin, we immediately have two.
Saint Ignatius Brianchaninov talked a lot about rancor. He warned that this quality leads a person away from the Lord
Saint Ignatius Brianchaninov writes:
“Memory is based on pride. Pride lurks even in God’s chosen ones, sanctified by grace. It is also necessary for them to be vigilant against this internal poison and against the murder of the soul generated by it through memory malice.”
The Monk Ambrose shared this view:
“Three rings cling to each other: hatred from anger, anger from pride.”
Is grudge good or bad?
The negative aspects of rancor, as a leading personality trait in the loss of personality, a person begins to live only with grievances and past events, ceasing to develop. In addition to all this, the negative spectrum becomes the main emotional experience, which leads to the disappearance of the internal resource and the opportunity to find other positive strategies. On a more global level, it is rancor that can drive all of humanity into a spiral of constant violence and aggression, when instead of understanding others, repenting themselves, and simplifying the situation, people only escalate, cultivating negative emotions, inflaming mutual hatred.
These are not just bad experiences, this is a real load on the nervous system, and consequently on the circulatory, cardiac, and digestive systems. There have even been studies confirming that ulcerative erosions, problems with the heart muscle and early mortality are characteristic of people of the vindictive type. After all, instead of letting go of experiences and somehow transforming emotions in the outside world, people unwind them within themselves, creating stress from the past when there is no need in the present.
Such a personality trait as rancor reflects poorly on the person himself, depriving him of the opportunity for spiritual growth and realization, constantly tormenting him from the inside. Over time, such an individual loses all social connections, because building such relationships is toxic and those around them stop contacting someone who remembers any grievances for a long time. Breaks in relationships are also possible with those who are able to tolerate this kind of behavior towards themselves - usually the initiator here is the vindictive person himself, since while he is allowed this behavior, he himself escalates the situation more and more, presenting the offender as almost a devil, and deciding to stop all contacts.
For those around you, if they do not know how to abstract themselves, someone else’s vindictiveness also brings only negative aspects. You can live without knowing that you have offended someone (this trait is often associated with secrecy and the accumulation of resentment), and at some point receive a harsh response, a recollection of your wrongdoings, or outright revenge for a situation that happened more than a year ago. Usually it is impossible to come to an agreement with such people; an apology for an offense is not enough for them - this is a manipulation where those around them will forever walk in a circle of rehabilitation for their offense and will never be able to make amends for it.
But it is also impossible to live completely without such a trait as rancor; if you do not remember that someone is constantly doing something bad, then you can communicate with negative people. This will be a masochistic type of life, where again and again you will return to where it is bad or painful, where there is unworthy treatment. Initially, the consolidation of memory specifically for the negative is due to the survival program, which means remembering where the snake lives is more important than where to find a tasty mulberry. It’s the same in the social world - it’s more important to remember who betrays you and hurts you, destroys your ego and self-esteem, than where they treat you and tell you how great you are.
A vindictive person causes suffering to himself
Making someone suffer is the last thing. And it doesn’t make much difference whether you offend a friend, a parent, or yourself. A vindictive person with this quality harms himself first of all.
This is how Saint John Chrysostom talks about it:
John Chrysostom
Saint
“There is another kind of fury, even worse (rage). Which? The one when they don’t want to give up their anger, but harbor within themselves a memory of malice, like some kind of home executioner. They themselves are the first to be tormented by memory malice even here, not to mention the future.
Think about the torment a person suffers with an indignant soul, thinking every day about how to take revenge on the enemy? First of all, he torments himself and languishes, getting irritated, annoyed with himself, getting excited. It’s as if a fire is constantly burning in you, and when the fever intensifies to such an extent, you do not weaken it, you think about how to cause some harm to another; and meanwhile you torment yourself, constantly carrying a strong flame within you, not allowing your soul to calm down, constantly becoming fierce and keeping your mind in anxiety and confusion.
What is worse than this fury - always tormented, irritated and inflamed? And such are the souls of the vindictive. As soon as they see the one they want to take revenge on, they immediately lose their temper; if they hear his voice, they fall and tremble; whether they are lying on the bed, inventing thousands of torments, how to hit and tear apart their enemy; and if at the same time they see him prospering, oh, what a punishment for them! Forgive another for his misdeeds and save yourself from torment... Why do you inflict a debilitating illness on yourself?
According to John Chrysostom, anger injects poison into the human heart. The saint also touched on the topic of anger:
“Anger, like some aphids and moths, eats away at the root of our soul. Why do you keep this wild beast inside you? It is better to put a serpent or viper on your heart than anger and bitterness; We could soon be freed from those, but this one remains constantly, sinking his teeth, letting in his poison, arousing evil thoughts.”
Hidden anger turns into resentment
Anger does not go away on its own. He transforms into a new form. This is how the Monk Abba Dorotheos speaks about it:
“Like a burning coal, when it goes out and is collected, it can lie for several years without damage, and even if someone pours water on it, it does not rot; so anger, if it becomes rigid, turns into rancor, from which a person will not free himself unless he sheds his blood.”
This state can persist for a very long time until the right moment for an outburst is ripe. This is what the saint says about it. Basil the Great:
“If a camel has been hit for a long time, harboring anger for a long time, as soon as it seizes an opportunity, it takes revenge for the insult. Hear, hard-hearted, trying to root in yourself the memory of malice as a virtue, to whom are you like when you keep grief in your neighbor, like a spark hidden in the ashes, until, having received an excuse, you inflame anger like a flame.”
"Descendant of the Count of Monte Cristo"
A vindictive person is a person who remembers in detail the circumstances associated with offensive facts towards him. A person who hides anger and feelings of grief for a long time in his soul and memory. It is difficult for him to forget, much less forgive, the insults inflicted, even if the event happened several years ago. There is such a joke: “I’m not vindictive, I’m just angry, and I have a good memory!”
Most of these people dream of getting even with those who, in their opinion, are the culprit of their bitterness.
A vindictive person is a portrait of an unhappy subject. A person who lives by past grievances, does not forgive offenders, whose bitter feelings eat away at her from the inside.
Quite often, global grievances and insults that oppress a person for years, upon reasonable analysis, turn out to be minor situations not worth attention.
A vindictive person sees the problem in a black light. A person lives in constant constraint of offended feelings and self-criticism. The life of a vindictive person is overshadowed by bad memories, which are given great importance.
Anger leads a person away from God
Anger is a terrible sin in itself, which has nothing to do with Christian love. But the worst thing is that it takes a person further and further from the loving Lord. This is how Saint Ignatius Brianchaninov talks about it:
“If you allow your heart to be hardened by remembrance of malice and justify your anger with your pride, then the Lord your God will turn away from you and you will be given over to the footsteps of Satan.”
Isaac the monk tells a mystical story about a meeting with the devil. No one is asking you to treat the story itself with complete confidence. The monk could well have embellished this story, especially since he is not one of the authoritative Christian authors. But even if his story is not documenting real events, it still contains very interesting discussions about how anger affects a person:
Grudge
this is a manifestation of sin in a person, for at the root is anger and pride
“One day, I quarreled with my brother and began to get angry with him. Meanwhile, while sitting one day at my needlework, I remembered my quarrel, repented and, driven by the fear of responsibility before God, thought about what I should do. At this time, a young man came to me and, without making the sign of the cross properly, said: “You have sinned and are worried, trust me and you will be calm.”
I, realizing that this was the devil, answered: “Go away, for you are not from God.” He says: “I feel sorry for you: you are ruining your work, but still you are mine.” “No,” I say, “I am not yours, the devil, but God’s.” He said: “God transferred the anger of those who hold and remember evil to us. You’ve been angry with your brother for three weeks.” I answered: “You’re lying.” And he: “You have a grudge against him, and the fire of hell awaits those who hold a grudge, and I am assigned to such people, and you are mine.”
Hearing this, I immediately went to my brother, bowed to him and made peace with him. What? Returning home, I saw that the devil, not suffering from my reconciliation, out of malice, burned my handicrafts and the matting that I usually spread when I prayed.”
Anger can be righteous, but it should not have selfish motives:
(Jacob 1:20)
“For the wrath of man does not bring about the righteousness of God.”
Memory malice
Tormenting Passion
Remembrance (grudge) is a tormenting passion. A believer knows that the Lord commanded to forgive those who offend and hate us, and he tries to forgive. But it turns out to be very difficult to erase the pain experienced from the heart. We are tormented by obsessive thoughts about the offenders and the insult we experienced, about the evil that was done to us. He is haunted by the desire to take revenge, to punish, to take revenge. This is what our old man says in us, who is blinded by the thirst for revenge and remembers only: “an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth.”
The Optina elders taught how to fight memory malice.
Don’t be embarrassed if you feel the passion of rancor in yourself
The Monk Leo taught not to be embarrassed if you feel the passion of rancor in yourself, because conquering passions is the work of the perfect, “the art of art and the cunning of cunning”:
“You mention your dispensation, by which, being offended, you are embarrassed and reach the point of cowardice. You suddenly want perfection, without learning and without enduring enemy attacks and without recognizing your weakness and humble yourself. Just say: you want, while still a baby, to become a perfect husband; or: having entered the service as a lower rank, now become a general; and starting to learn the alphabet - suddenly read all the books. Didn’t the saints reach this point through many labors, deeds and time? The artistry of arts and the cunning of cunning is a matter of salvation, and not simply: as he wanted, so he did.”
No one can do us harm or insult without the will of God
The Monk Macarius taught us to accept offense as God’s permission to punish us or test our faith and to remember that no one can offend us or cause us harm without the will of God. The elder wrote in a letter to his spiritual child:
“If we believe in the Lord, then we believe in His teaching and His all-good, all-wise and omnipresent Providence, and He commanded us to love not only those who love us, but also our very enemies, and that no one can do us any harm or insult without His will; confirmed that He has a plan for everything, that even a bird will not fall without His will (Matthew 10:29), and the hair of the head
Ours
will not perish
(Luke 21:18) - unless He allows it; and if someone insults us, then it is clear that by His permission, it is to our punishment or the test of our faith - and commanded us to love those who insult (Matthew 5:44).”
The monk reminded that our offenders are the weapons of God, through them God’s Providence acts in our lives:
“People who insult us do not do it on their own, but by God’s permission, and therefore they are God’s instrument.”
The vindictive and grumbling increases his sorrows
The Monk Macarius explained that according to spiritual law, a vindictive and murmuring person increases his sorrows:
“You grumble, but thereby increase your sorrows; and when you humbly bow your neck under the hand of God and blame yourself, besides all other faults, for impatience and murmuring, then you will receive relief and consolation in your sorrows.”
How to deal with the passion of rancor
The Monk Leo advised that in order to resist passion, one should humble oneself, not relying on one’s own deeds, one’s strength and one’s own mind, but trusting in the mercy of God:
“The Holy Fathers, who actively walked this path and acquired the riches of goodness through doing the commandments of Christ, left us an example in their teachings, so that through this we would recognize the passions in ourselves, resist them, and in deviating from them, complete them with humility, self-reproach and repentance; they would not at all rely on their own deeds or on their own strength and on their own reason - and only little by little would they cleanse themselves of passions and draw closer to God. Remember that the Lord pleases the narrow and sorrowful path, and not the long, sorrowless one... I ask you not to despair, but to surrender to the Lord in all cases, for despair proves obvious pride, from which the Lord is able to save you.”
The Monk Macarius, responding to a letter from a child who complained that they wanted to unfairly denigrate her, advised blaming yourself for everything to get rid of grief and resentment:
“What you write about the actions of the sisters against you who want to denigrate you - let it be true: they are doing a lie; and yet their untruth makes God's righteousness in us... I will say briefly: when we blame ourselves, we are freed from sorrow; and if we blame others, they multiply and continue.”
Elder Macarius also taught, when a feeling of offense appears, to inwardly contemplate and reproach oneself for the manifestation of passion:
“It is impossible not to show embarrassment that you are not offended; reproach yourself for stirring up passion. By doing this, little by little you will receive healing from passions and you will reach the point: “be prepared and not disturbed” (Ps. 119: 60).”
The monk called for strict observation of one’s dispensation and to remember that only self-reproach and humility “is a victory for all passions”:
“Remember that self-reproach and humility against all passions is victory, and the enemy will achieve nothing.”
The Monk Barsanuphius advised seeking strength to combat the passion of rancor and resentment in prayer:
“We will show mercy, perhaps we will even cope with our irritability, but to endure reproach and even pay for it with kindness - this is completely impossible for us. This is a barrier that separates us from God and which we do not try to step over, but must be crossed. Where to look for strength for this? In prayer."
Do not flatter yourself by the temporary absence of abuse
The Monk Macarius instructed not to be deluded if it seems that passion has subsided, because this more often happens from a temporary absence of warfare, and not from the fact that a person has achieved dispassion:
“Now both of you are out of the field and battle, then you are calm, until the army of the opposite makes an attack. Your enemy’s battle is directed not against anyone else, but against each other—then you need to prepare weapons against the enemy: self-reproach, humility and love. And whatever self-justification and seduction you have of a quiet life will not lead to anything good. So, I advise you to adhere to the rules of humility, which mortifies passions, and not imaginary peace, which only lulls them to sleep.”
“Let go of a little, you will be given a lot”
The Monk Joseph wrote about memory malice:
“Some took upon themselves labors and exploits in order to receive forgiveness; but a person who does not remember evil is ahead of him or them, for the saying is true: “Let a little go, and much will be given to you” (Luke 6:37; 1 Cor. 13:1-8, 13).”
Our reverend fathers, the elders of Optina, pray to God for us sinners!
The saints taught to pray and repent when anger, resentment or resentment arise
We are not robots and are not immune from manifestations of all kinds of negative feelings. But you shouldn’t let the situation take its course. The Holy Fathers give us recommendations on what can be done to cope with these manifestations of sin. There are two methods:
Pray according to the advice of St. Maximus the Confessor:
“If you have a grudge against someone, pray for him and, by prayer, separating sadness from the memory of the evil that he caused you, you will stop the movement of passion; By becoming friendly and humane, you will completely drive passion out of your soul. When another is angry with you, be kind to him, be humble and live kindly with him, and you will save him from passion.”
2 facilities
combating rancor, anger and resentment: prayer and repentance
Repent , as St. John Climacus calls:
“When, after many efforts, you cannot pluck out these thorns, then repent and humble yourself, at least in words, before the one with whom you are angry, so that you, being ashamed of your long-term hypocrisy in front of him, can completely love him, being burned by your conscience like fire.”
Children's grievances
A vindictive person is a sensitive person with wounded self-esteem, who tends to see unfavorable attitudes towards him from others. Most often, children become vindictive people who observe an example of unforgiveness from harsh parents. Asking for forgiveness from a child, treating him as a full-fledged person, taking his feelings into account is not accepted by most mothers and fathers. Children are perceived as robots, obliged to show emotions and desires only when it is convenient for adults. Rare expressions of praise and encouragement, the maximum number of reproaches and complaints, unwillingness to accept parental guilt in front of the child and focusing on bad qualities in the future will raise an embittered personality.
The psychology of a vindictive person speaks of a line of behavior copied in childhood from close relatives who lived and were nearby. That's how they behaved.
Negative emotions are a challenge that will allow you to grow spiritually
You should not imagine yourself as a terrible sinner if you happen to show rancor or get angry. This happens to each of us. And this should not be seen as a failure. On the contrary, life gives us an excellent incentive to become better, to overcome another weakness on the path to perfection.
Joseph the Hesychast wrote about it this way:
“It is not the intelligent, the noble, the eloquent or the rich who gains, but the one who is insulted and suffers long-suffering, who is insulted and forgives, who is slandered and endures. He is purified and enlightened more than others. He reaches a high level. He is still here - inside heaven."
Irritation and anger sometimes require the intervention of a psychotherapist
Negative reactions are not always something that can be resolved through spiritual means. There are painful mental states. For example, delirium tremens, when a person becomes nervous and aggressive.
Leaving everything to chance and looking for a solution in the church is not the best solution. Such conditions can get worse, so sometimes it’s worth asking a specialist for help. Otherwise, they can lead to irreparable consequences for the human psyche and the safety of others.
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What is resentment
Psychology considers rancor as a series of obsessive behavioral patterns that manifest a tendency toward obsessive behavior (constant stories about the offender) or memories (replaying a negative situation in the mental space). As a result, such a practically painful state can be enhanced by a feeling of helplessness, because the less a person is able to react in space, the greater the feeling of being unable to influence his life. If you do not react to an insult with aggression, defending your own rights, then in the end you develop not only resentment, but also helplessness, as a learned pattern of behavior.
This personality trait gradually destroys the person himself, taking away his generosity, the ability to forgive and thereby alleviate his own experiences, and also leads to constant tension in anticipation of the right moment for revenge. It may even turn out that revenge will never happen, since in constant reasoning a person loses the ability to actively change reality, or the second option would be an influence that is inadequate in strength, shocking everyone around him - this is a consequence of excessive affectation due to the fact that the situation has been escalating for a long time in the inner world to the point of unbearable.
Rancor manifests itself both in the political world (none of the dictators forgave their enemies, they cruelly punished those who disagreed and remembered for a long time those who dared to contradict), art (famous personalities do not forgive each other’s success and try to slander or directly frame them with equipment during a concert), so in everyday life.
Resentment towards a husband’s actions is the most common life example, and is included in many anecdotes and funny stories of every family. This is where it’s worth thinking about and learning to distinguish such an individual trait from a simple desire for a person to keep his promises. The main difference lies in the underlying causes of behavior - for example, rancor is characterized by a high level of pride and then any other person’s remark immediately hits the most sore spots, there is no protection and understanding that other people have the right to a different opinion or alternative ways of interaction. A wounded ego always begins to get angry and seek justice, which is not objective, but only wants to restore its uniqueness and lower those who previously shone and showed their own shortcomings.
Despite the fact that society usually speaks negatively about this individual trait, the benefits cannot be completely ruled out, since the main cause of rancor is biological. All unconscious mechanisms and fixed psycho-biological programs are configured to improve survival, for which it is necessary to quickly and firmly remember dangerous and negative places, so the instinctive reaction to long-term storage of any negativity has become entrenched, solely for the purpose of ensuring a good life.
