Orthodoxy is not against sex and female attractiveness

Orthodoxy is not against sex and female attractiveness

Author Olga Gumanova

04.10.2010 08:00

Religion » Religions of Russia » Orthodoxy

There is a stereotype in society that a believing woman can only dress like an old woman, and that Orthodox marital relations are allowed only for the sake of conceiving children. Does the Church make such demands on its children or is this the opinion of individual people? Yulia Sysoeva, the widow of a murdered famous priest and writer, tells Pravda.Ru about this.

— Julia, what do you personally not like about Orthodox women?

— An Orthodox girl is coming, beautiful, young. Dressed like a woman of retirement age: “farewell to youth!” boots, a baggy skirt, a scarf. The question arises: does an Orthodox woman need attractiveness? She would probably say: “Well, attractiveness is a sin. I will attract unwanted glances from men and evoke sexual fantasies in them if I dress beautifully and elegantly.” A girl is walking next to an old woman, and from the back it is not clear where the old woman is, where the young Orthodox girl is. They look the same.

- So does an Orthodox woman need attractiveness or not?

- I think it is necessary.

“But there are also extremes: there are Orthodox women who, in pursuit of attractiveness, become completely secular, and there are those who look like the girl you described and at the same time suffer: “Why isn’t God giving me a groom?”

“They probably think that the “good groom” will look at her soul, at her heart, and appreciate her qualities. But a good groom - he still looks first at the clothes, at the wrapper, and then at the soul. And if the clothes are like that, there is no attractiveness. It will be uninteresting to communicate with such a girl. Maybe she’s cool, of course... But he’ll pass by and won’t know about it.

“But there are also such paradoxical situations that absolutely non-church men fall in love with the “wrapped handkerchief women.” Maybe because it is exotic for them? Or because for the “headscarf woman” an unbelieving man is of no interest? She rebuffs him, and it hurts his pride?

“And then there’s the conqueror’s instinct right away: she doesn’t reciprocate my feelings, so let me conquer her.” Yes, there is such a moment in psychology.

“Then maybe being wrapped in a scarf isn’t so bad?” Does this have its own appeal?

- As a rule, such an appearance is accompanied by downtroddenness, and tightness and constraint certainly cannot be attractive features. If they are not there, then it’s a different matter: a headscarf is already a type of informality.

How to find your soul mate?

Questions to priest Dimitry Sinyavin. 4th page

Hello , dear visitors of the Orthodox website “Family and Faith”!

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Here is the 4th page of questions and answers from the confessor of our site, Priest Dimitry Sinyavin, where answers to the following five questions are given:

• Question No. 16: How to find your soul mate? • Question No. 17: My wife regularly refuses intimacy. What to do? • Question No. 18: How to save a family? • Question No. 19: Relatives forbid going to church. What to do? • Question No. 20: How to lead a husband to God, to the Orthodox faith?

Question No. 16: How to find your soul mate?

- Hello! Help me understand myself. I’m already in my fifties, but I still can’t figure out my purpose. When I was little (I was about 5 years old), I loved to sing songs, they would put me on a chair and I would sing. Then I had a terrible dream, I saw some kind of growling beast in my dream. After that, I began to be afraid; I was even registered with a pediatric psychoneurologist. Of course, I stopped singing and became withdrawn and shy. I was afraid to be alone at home; I turned on lights, radio, and TV everywhere. When I went to school, I was deregistered. But still, I remained withdrawn, I had very few friends. I constantly felt some kind of ridicule from the outside. Went to college. History repeated itself. I got a job - about the same thing. And some fears and concerns constantly arise. I have no family. I live with my mother. I can't find a girl for myself.

I'm very upset about this. I look for them on the Internet, communicate, but I can’t find the only one I could love. Many colleagues and my mother’s acquaintances are surprised why I don’t get married. Urologists (I have chronic prostatitis) hint at marriage as a means of getting rid of this scourge (“How do you manage without women?”, etc., making me blush) And, around 1999, my only friend asked to see stopping his fan. I spent and then did not sleep almost all night, and melodies (mostly love songs) and poems began to come to me. But I don’t know how to play any instruments and I’m embarrassed to sing. I write poems for girls on the Internet (but they are usually sad). I also write them stories about my life. This is how I live and feel sad that I don’t have a loved one next to me (except for my mother, of course). And I’m looking for a sweet and modest, lonely girl, I pray to God about it, but I can’t understand why I have such a cross. And why does time pass, but nothing changes in life yet? Sometimes I imagine myself singing on stage and that there are a lot of girl fans around me, but then I dismiss these thoughts because of my modesty (besides, you can become proud). If I were destined to become a singer or musician, I probably would have become one long ago. Sorry for the long letter. There is simply no one else to ask about the meaning of life. I hope for your help in the form of advice. Thanks in advance for your answer.

- Hello! Every person should have one main goal and meaning in life. It is the desire to get closer to God and to please God. And then ask God to help you find a faithful and loving wife. Start going to Church regularly, taking communion, praying at home, helping people, and then you will see how your life will change. God help you!

Question No. 17: My wife regularly refuses intimacy. What to do?

- Hello! I don’t even know how to start... In general, if you lose sight of the last 20 years of life, then the situation is this: the wife regularly refuses intimacy under various pretexts. I have severe pain from abstinence. Previously, I was not interested in faith and got out of the situation by masturbating, now I go to church and know that it is a sin... What to do?! All sorts of stupid thoughts pass through...

- Hello! You asked your question to the priest, so I will answer you on the spiritual part of your problem. Imagine an unkempt, neglected patch of land. How difficult it is to start processing it. How much effort does it take to keep the garden bed free of weeds? The more thoroughly you remove weed roots, the easier it will be to dig next time. If you don’t remove the roots, then nothing good will grow. So is the human soul. The stronger the sin, the worse the weed, its roots are deeper, the more you need to dig under the root in order to pull it out completely, but if at least a small part of the root remains in the ground, then the weed will come out of the ground again.

Sins also have differences. If a person does not repent for a long time, then sins multiply in his soul and develop into passions. Passion is a sin, like a habit, from which a person suffers and becomes a slave to this sin. The Orthodox Church takes care of its children and offers many means so that every person can get rid of his sins, passions, i.e. of your spiritual illnesses:

1) The Sacrament of Confession. Perhaps you did not properly prepare for Confession and your repentance was formal. The main thing is to take into account 3 points:

1. Name all the sins that you did not repent of or repeated again. If you deliberately hide even one sin, then confession is not valid.
2. Contrite your sins, that is, realize your mistakes.
3. Ask God for forgiveness and help in correction. If you rely on your own strength more than on God’s help, you will never improve. (example: “I have sinned by condemnation, pride, envy, etc. I repent, Lord, forgive me and have mercy, and help me correct myself”). I advise you to come to confession more often.

2) The Sacrament of Communion.

It is also necessary to prepare for this Sacrament in order to receive communion worthily, that is, not to your sin. During confession, the priest will tell you how to prepare for communion.

3) The Sacrament of Unction. During Lent it is performed on all believers who wish, and at home on the infirmly sick. If you approach this Sacrament with faith and prayer, then you can receive great relief from God and, if God pleases, healing.

4) Fasting and prayer can help you get rid of bad thoughts and desires of the body. The more you can abstain from food, both in its quantity and quality, the easier it is to abstain from other pleasures.

You can take a blessing from a priest for fasting or for certain prayers, then it is much easier to observe it. I also advise you to pray to Saint Moses Ugrin. It helps to extinguish all unclean thoughts and abstain from sins. May God help you!

Question No. 18: How to save a family?

— Hello, I’m writing, and I really hope for an answer, I don’t know what to do, my soul is so heavy! I got married a second time, I love my husband very much, and he says that he loves me, but he went to Russia and said that he won’t live with me anymore, we won’t get a divorce, we also have a son 2, 9 Daniel, he misses his dad very much . Yes, I can’t either, I cry every day, it’s a sin to say, but I don’t even want to live. I go to church every Sunday, I pray at home, but my soul doesn’t feel any better, there’s some fear that we won’t be together... I talked to Father about my problem, he blessed me to read prayers. Please help me with my son so that our dad and husband can return to us!!! My husband and I have known each other since we were 16 years old (we are now 41), we dated for a long time, but on my initiative we did not start dating, he was a newcomer. After some time, I got married, two beautiful daughters were born, we lived well with my husband for 18 years, but he cheated, this uncertainty lasted for 2 years, you can imagine my state at that time... Then by chance we met on the Internet (20 years later) in classmates. They began to correspond, I filed for divorce, there was still no life, then we met, I realized that I loved him, he loved me the same way all his life and did not forget me. He lived in his first marriage for 8 years and has a son. We always helped him, for me children are all the same. At the time we met, he had been divorced for 5 years and was living with his sister, so I had nothing to do with their divorce, he tried to build a relationship before me, but his ex wouldn’t let him... he got married because she was pregnant, and his relatives he was forced. My husband and I wanted to get married, it was his idea, but I was not ready, to be honest, he brought me to the church, in Krasnye Klyuchi, in the Samara region. I love him very much and want the family to survive!

- Hello! It’s good that you go to church and pray at home. The blessing of the priest must be fulfilled. Your fear comes from lack of faith. The Lord expects you to strengthen your faith and for you to humble yourself before God and rely on His holy will. There are these words: “The Lord resists the proud, but gives grace to the humble.” To humble yourself before God means to submit your will to the will of God. When you pray and ask the Lord, do not forget to add the words: “...but, Lord, Thy holy will be done...”

You need to read the Gospel and Psalter every day, at least in small quantities. The Gospel will help you strengthen your faith, and the Psalter will help drive away despondency and fear. If you help those in need, if possible, for the sake of Christ, and make a promise to God to continue to pray, go to church regularly and receive communion, then the Lord will help you.

Troubles and sorrows are sent to a person so that he remembers God, begins to pray, goes to Church, and changes his life. You said the words: “I’m not ready” when your husband proposed getting married to you. Now get ready. Just don’t be discouraged, this is a great sin. May God help you!

Question No. 19: Relatives forbid going to church. What to do?

- Hello, Father Dimitri! It so happened that I have no one to ask but you. I don’t dare approach the priest in our parish, I look at him and all the questions fly out of my head, as soon as I leave the church I think, why didn’t I ask anything? I wanted to find out what I should do, my family began to reprimand me about why I went to church, and that with this faith I had become abnormal, and people were telling them for me that I had become arrogant and different, much worse. They tell me: “stop going to such extremes, they say, you believe in your soul and that’s enough.” Today, when I came from church, I almost had a fight with my mother-in-law because of this. I can’t just believe somewhere in my soul, I need to go to church. I try not to argue with anyone, not to make reservations and not to upset anyone. But apparently I’m doing something wrong, since they turned on me. But to please them, I cannot be what they want me to be. I can’t help but go to church because they don’t want me to. Having felt God, I cannot refuse him. But somehow you need to find a compromise with your family. What should I do? Walk secretly? I don’t want to argue with them every time about this and prove something. Maybe I'm doing everything wrong and that's why everything is happening like this? Help me please.

- Hello! You are doing the right thing by going to church! When a person says that he has God in his soul and believes in him, but does not go to Church, then he is deceiving himself. A person has passions and sins in his soul. When a person has God in his soul, he thinks about God and tries to please God, to love Him. The Lord says: “By their fruits you will know them. Do they gather grapes from thorns, or figs from thistles?... Not everyone who says to Me: “Lord! Lord!” will enter the Kingdom of Heaven, but he who does the will of My Father in heaven” (Matt. 7:16-21v.).

The Lord calls us to love Him more than anyone else and obey Him more than others. He speaks about it this way: “Do not think that I came to bring peace to earth; I did not come to bring peace, but a sword, for I came to divide a man against his father, and a daughter against her mother, and a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law. And a man’s enemies are his own household. Whoever loves father or mother more than Me is not worthy of Me; and whoever loves a son or daughter more than Me is not worthy of Me; and whoever does not take up his cross and follow Me is not worthy of Me. He who saves his soul will lose it; but he who loses his life for My sake will save it” (Matt. 10 ch., 34-39 v.).

Try to be patient with your family, don’t swear, but pray more for them. Over time, they will stop scolding you, and then they themselves will start going to church. Respond to evil with good. Set a good example for them. I was convinced of this by the example of my parishioners. May God help you!

Question No. 20: How to lead a husband to God, to the Orthodox faith?

- I want to tell you about my problem. My family is on the verge of collapse, but not because of betrayal, alcoholism and other “physical” influences. But because of religious views. The fact is that I am a devout Christian, even though I began to join the church, and the Lord revealed Himself to me, quite recently. Nevertheless, I chose the “road” for myself. As for my husband... He is not baptized, and he also does not want to baptize our two children. He says this: “I don’t want them to be part of a system invented by Jews, stupid rituals invented by people, the church is separate, God is separate.” My husband is an active Internet user, and you know how many anti-God articles, speeches, videos there are, even Wikipedia says that Orthodoxy came from Judaism, and the Bible is a rewritten Torah. And so, having read such materials and imagining himself smarter than the “system”, as soon as the conversation turns to religion (although I try to suppress these conversations), it’s as if Satan has taken possession of my husband, he shouts at me in front of the children, his eyes bulging, shouts for me to remove the icons, but I don’t clean up... That means I’m going against his will, and that’s also wrong. So what should I do? At the same time, the husband believes in God, but says that he doesn’t care who God is (Jesus, Buddha or Allah), that is, he believes in some “abstract” God. But, at the same time, he wears the image of the Mother of God on his chest, which generally surprises me, because he calls icons “pictures.” Please advise me some films about the history of Orthodoxy and the formation of Orthodoxy in Rus'. In order for my husband to watch this, he doesn’t want to read articles on your site. I understand that I must endure and forgive him in any case. But when he blasphemes, my whole soul cries and my heart breaks. And also, is it possible to brew Matronushka’s petals with the prayer “For the conversion of the lost” and add this decoction to my husband’s tea? Can this help?

- Hello! Sorry, I will answer very briefly. Your husband should not brew the petals secretly. You need to pray for him and set a good example for him. The Monk Seraphim of Sarov said: “Acquire a peaceful spirit and thousands around you will be saved.” Tolerate his shortcomings, cover him with love, and the Lord will enlighten him. Children can be baptized secretly, because you are responsible for them before God, and raise them in the Orthodox spirit. Don't argue with your husband about faith. Pray with your children for your husband and dad and this will help better than any movies. When the Lord visits with His Grace, and this will happen if you pray, this will be the best conviction.

Questions to priest Dimitry Sinyavin. 3rd page