This is a real life incident! A month later, a woman comes to the priest, shows her passport and the one he recently married, on the other: “On what basis did you marry my husband to some woman? This very spiritual man sang songs to the priest and got married to some other woman, although he himself is married and not divorced from his first legal wife, with whom he had already lived for 15-20 years. Behind all this hyper-spirituality there is some kind of snake crawling! Always!
Don't trust people who are strongly spiritual! Behind this strong spirituality, some kind of chaos is stirring there... Always! Therefore, you don’t need to believe this, you need to sign your name, if we give birth to children, let it be the husband’s last name, if we acquire property, let it be acquired jointly, let it be registered in the names of both of us! And so on and so on... There is no need for these super-spiritual tricks!
I don't believe in super spirituality! Especially the modern deceitful person.
Getting a divorce after a church wedding
- your passports (if the initiator of the debunking is one person, then only his passport);
- wedding certificate;
- document confirming legal divorce;
- if the basis for divorce is the illness of the husband (wife) or his (her) stay in prison, a medical report or a court decision in a criminal case will need to be additionally attached to the papers.
In fact, the church does not conduct any special debunking ceremony. The bishop reviews the documents submitted by the spouses and, if he considers the reasons why people want to divorce to be significant, gives them his blessing.
Reasons in Orthodoxy
According to the Gospel of Matthew, there is only one reason for the separation of a husband and his wife - adultery , “the guilt of fornication.” In the First Epistle to the Corinthians of the Holy Apostle Paul, only one is added as a reason for divorce - the desire to divorce on the part of an unbelieving spouse.
However, in modern reality, the Orthodox Church takes into account other situations in which a church marriage is recognized as invalid or has lost its canonical force. But as a last resort, when all possible methods for reconciliation and restoration of family relationships have been exhausted, and the process of the couple’s breakup is objectively irreversible.
Divorce of an unwed marriage is a sin
She says to him: “Well, shall we live like flies getting married, without hallelujah? ". He replies: “Let’s live, why not live? Is it difficult for a guy to live without “hallelujah”? She says to him: “Well, you don’t promise me anything?
I don’t promise you anything either.”
This is all a man needs. This is how they live: she’s 20, he’s 28. Now she’s 25, he’s already 33. He’s tired of her... Has she gotten prettier over the past five years?
Firstly, he’s already tired of her - the same one walks in front of him and hasn’t gotten any better... And he didn’t promise her anything, and the young ones are already on the way... Those who were 15 years old yesterday are already 20 today, they’re already I’m also not averse to living without obligations. And he says: “You know, I went.” She says: “How did you go?
Well, he licked all the cream, but doesn’t want to eat anymore. She gave him her beauty, her youth, in the hope that maybe something would come of it, she did not give birth to children, she lived her best years with him.
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Church divorce
It is a crime! All this needs to be changed before it’s too late! Otherwise, what do you think, we will anger God and irritate him for a long time?
Therefore, a wedding is too serious a thing to fool around with like that... And baptism is also too serious a thing to fool around with like that... And everything else is also too serious a thing to be treated as a requirement. Blessing an apartment is a requirement, but marrying a couple is not a requirement! This is a sacrament for which you must answer later!
You must tell them: “My dears, no one will tell you this except me, they will wish you happiness, health, happiness, health, bitterly, bitterly, there is nothing else in your brain, no one will wish for anything more.
Divorce after wedding consequences
This is civil cohabitation, prodigal cohabitation... But marriage is different! ...Which of you would dare call a married couple who lived for 30 or 40 years together, raised children who lived to be grandchildren, but were not married because one of them was unbaptized, for example, as fornicators? Is he Jewish and she is Russian, or is he Russian and she is Jewish? So they lived together all their lives, like two parrots in a cage, and grandchildren have already appeared near them. Which of you would dare to call them fornicators because they are unmarried?
Please do not confuse unwed marriage and fornication! Fornication is fornication, and marriage is marriage.
An unmarried marriage is one marriage, and a married marriage is a second marriage. But you need to get married seriously! And today when people come: “I want to get married! “, then you need to think very seriously about what to tell them.
The history of the stereotype and the reason for its occurrence
Since 1722, by order of Peter I, the first church metric books were created, in which records were made of changes in people's lives: birth, marriage, death.
This function belonged to the Orthodox Church until 1917, when the decree “On civil marriage, on children and on maintaining registers of deeds” was adopted, allowing the registration of marriage in the municipality. Considering that the revolution left its mark on people’s lives: churches were closed, any kind of pomp was condemned, sooner or later people stopped registering marriages in Russia in any way at the beginning of the twentieth century (there were no churches, but there were traditions of going to the registry office not vaccinated). For this reason, many so-called “civil” marriages appeared, that is, families that were not registered in any way. It is very important to know that the Church has always recognized these families as full legal marriages - this was done because the church authorities understood the current situation.
Gradually, the question of creating a family, preserving it, or divorce smoothly passed from church hands to civil hands; and given Soviet propaganda and the ban on everything Orthodox, it is clear that people could not possibly know the church canons on this issue and church traditions.
Photo: wabby.ru
And when the USSR collapsed and people got the opportunity to freely go to church, and not only register marriages, but also get married, then for some strange reason they did not do this en masse.
This was explained by the fact that, they say, if you get married, then it will be impossible to get a divorce. The reason for this incorrect opinion is simple: the spiritual and moral education of the population at that time (and even today nothing has changed much) was at zero level, and no one really wanted to force themselves to go to the temple and find out there how everything really is in reality — either he was shy, or he considered himself already the smartest, or he simply believed that weddings were a relic of the past.
From all this, you probably already understood that the Church in some cases allows divorce of spouses. What kind of cases are these?
Church divorce?
Arkady Shatov, rector of the Church of the Holy Blessed Tsarevich Demetrius at the First City Hospital of Moscow and confessor of the St. Demetrius Community of Sisters of Mercy Many young people today get married in the church and then get divorced. How does the church explain and explain the consequences of such sin? Does a wedding guarantee a long marriage? Archpriest Arkady Shatov: “Christ has these words: “He who comes to Me I will not cast out.”
If a person comes to God, he cannot be driven away. Another thing is that those who want to get married need to explain the meaning and importance of the sacrament of wedding. Tell us what Christian marriage is, how the life of Christian spouses should change.
If they feel in their hearts that they were received with love in the church, then perhaps next time they will come to church not because of fashion and will gradually become real Christians. And this is what will give strength to their family and protect them from divorce.
Divorce after wedding
One culprit of the process writes a petition, but the written consent of the second must be attached to it. The Orthodox Church reveres the institution of the family, any divorce is interpreted as a great sin, the commission of which is the fault of both spouses, therefore the permission of the Bishop will be received only when the ex-husband and wife realize this and sincerely repent. It’s not for nothing that the last words of the petition will be: “I apologize for the broken marriage.” Only after such a procedure will people be ready to seriously create a new family before God.
If there are compelling reasons for divorce, describe them in detail, indicating the place and time of the accomplished facts (adultery, assault, etc.) and confirm with relevant documents. For example, a mental disorder of a spouse or an abortion performed by the wife will be confirmed by a medical certificate from the attending physician.
In principle, there can be no permission to divorce, no church divorce. There are, however, the words of Christ that continue the passage I have already quoted, “what God has joined together, let not man put asunder.”
Unwedded marriage Hello! My wife and I have been married for 5 years. April of this year I started going to church and taking communion, I had never even thought about it before. We have a daughter who will be one year old. I told my wife that until we got married we wouldn’t have any more sex, she initially refused to get married and I told her that I didn’t want to sin anymore because I had repented of it, she waited until that time for 5-6 months. and I thought that this was my temporary insanity and that soon everything would pass, I would give up and it would be like before again, but I firmly stood my ground and prayers to our Lord strengthened me not to do this.
Divorce the Christian way?
There are lines in the Gospel of Matthew that many people hurt themselves today: And the Pharisees came to Him and, tempting Him, said to Him: Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for any reason? He answered and said to them, Have you not read that He who created in the beginning made them male and female? And he said, “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh, so that they are no longer two, but one flesh.” So, what God has joined together, let no man separate. They say to Him: How did Moses command to give a letter of divorce and divorce her? He says to them: Moses, because of your hardness of heart, allowed you to divorce your wives, but at first it was not so; but I say to you: whoever divorces his wife for reasons other than adultery and marries another commits adultery; and he who marries a divorced woman commits adultery. His disciples tell Him: if such is a man’s duty to his wife, then it is better not to marry. He said to them: not everyone can receive this word, but to those who have it given (Matt. 19:3-11).
So, if even Christ’s disciples were frightened by His uncompromising attitude towards marriage, what can we say about modern readers of the New Testament! They really “don’t fit.” The ban on divorce seems cruel. Everyday experience reinforces doubts: doesn’t it happen that continuing to be married is unbearable and impossible? Archpriest Alexy Uminsky, rector of the Moscow Church of the Holy Trinity in Khokhly, author and host of the “Orthodox Encyclopedia” program on TVC, is essentially looking for an answer to the question: how can a modern person accept and fulfill the Gospel?
And abnormal is normal... Sometimes they compare modern attitudes towards marriage with those that existed relatively recently, for example 100–150 years ago, and are surprised at the changes that have occurred in people’s views. What caused them? The reason for this is that in the public consciousness, marriage has ceased to be an absolute value. During the Soviet regime, and as a result of the so-called revolutions and wars - economic, sexual, informational - the very consciousness of humanity has changed very much, one might say that it collapsed during this period. Many unshakable and adequately perceived concepts were overestimated in this regard, including the concepts of marriage and family. What in the 19th century could not have occurred to anyone, what was taboo in consciousness, is now accepted easily and naturally. A person freely goes where previously there was a limit - first of all, by the Gospel. Today people come to the Church with a consciousness raised by the terrible twentieth century, and this consciousness has already turned into the subconscious. At certain stages, it becomes a driving force, displacing the Christian worldview, which has already been revealed to a person, but has not yet completely captured him, has not made him his own.
Attitudes towards marriage and family depend on time and social attitudes. There are some things that a person perceives with his consciousness as “possibility” or “impossibility.” For example, it is now possible to think that if the first marriage is unsuccessful, then new attempts to create a family are not prohibited. Or it is allowed to have a relationship with someone on the side. Modern consciousness perceives this as the norm. In previous centuries, this was perceived as a deviation from the norm, and although the romanticization of such deviations in literature did its dirty work, relationships were not as free and people were not as ready for affairs outside of marriage as they are now. In addition, those entering into marriage were mostly chaste and had no experience of love affairs, which means a lot.
I don’t want to exaggerate when I say that before the revolution everything was so good - complete piety, but now times are so bad: if this were so, then we would still be living “before the revolution.” It is clear that not everything was good, and much was very bad, but, nevertheless, the consciousness of people was different from today.
People were more responsible for their actions and more, I would say, sober: from the very beginning they understood what marriage was and had a completely realistic, non-dreamy view of their chosen one. For example, parents introduced young people to each other: “Did you like him? - Yes, he seems cute...” "And you? - Yes, it seems like nothing... And closer recognition begins: they drink tea in the presence of their parents, go for walks together, communicate with each other, and carefully get to know each other. By the wedding day, both he and she already have an idea: with whom they will have to build their future life together. And there was no romance, no passion, no daydreaming, which is so often found among our Orthodox (and not only) youth. There was a clear understanding of responsibility and duty: as a husband, I will have to do this and that for my chosen one, I will have to respect her and take care of her. And my wife knew: I should be affectionate and attentive with my husband, I should take care of the children - be a “kind wife and virtuous mother.” Relationships were based, first of all, on respect, sympathy and a sober understanding that this was for life. And if so, then both should try to do everything to successfully build a family. Nowadays, the overwhelming majority of young people, instead of such a worldview, have fog in their heads, unfounded daydreaming and immaturity.
It cannot be terminated. Only to destroy In what cases is divorce allowed? Many approach divorce precisely from the point of view of causality, repeating the question of the Pharisees: for what reason can a person get a divorce? (cf. Matthew 19:3; Mark 10:2). And Christ answers that there are no such reasons, and only because of your hardness of heart did Moses command to give a letter of divorce (cf. Matt. 19:8; Mark 10:5). Therefore, when we talk about the reasons for divorce, we will return to this very hardness of heart, or reluctance, or impossibility, or lack of strength for a person to bear his cross to the end. At its core, the nature of marriage is that it cannot be dissolved, it can only be destroyed.
Therefore, there are no canonical reasons that would allow divorce: divorce is unacceptable in principle! Christ says in the Gospel that no one can abandon his wife, unless for the reason of adultery (see: Matt. 19, 9; Mark 10, 11, 12). But this is not so much an admission to divorce as a statement of destroyed love, a destroyed family, the inability to preserve what no longer exists. Because adultery is that murderous force that can destroy everything. This is what Christ speaks of as the most significant circumstance that can break love, and therefore a family to the ground, when nothing remains of it. And then the injured party can let go of the other half, since there is no longer anything between them that can connect them. Even domestic violence is not a reason for divorce, but evidence that marriage as such has long ceased to exist.
Although, of course, there are cases where even adultery does not lead to divorce; marriage survives despite such a severe test of sin. And a person’s repentance, on the one hand, and forgiveness, on the other, can restore seemingly broken relationships. This suggests that adultery is not always a reason to separate.
We can say that everything given in the canons or designated by Synodal decisions (over the last century) records not so much the divorce procedure as the disintegration of the marriage itself, its failure. But the reason for the breakup may be what is listed there, for example: the same adultery, infanticide in the womb, alcoholism or drug addiction of one of the spouses, hidden insanity - when a person knows that he is mentally ill, but hides it, deceiving the one with whom he is going get married.
Diseases of the century The biggest problem of our time is the problem of mental damage, and to varying degrees: noticeable, subtle, perceived simply as a form of behavior, even religious behavior. The displacement of entire layers of social consciousness that has occurred over the last century has damaged many people—those whom society previously kept in a more or less stable and adequate state.
For example, homosexuality. People who have been psychologically or genetically susceptible to this behavior have always existed. This should not be seen as mere human depravity. Homosexuality is the same damage to human nature as any other, for example, mental illness, physical illness and other ill health that brings with it a world damaged by sin. But the consciousness of society and those taboos that it so wisely created over the centuries preserved people with damaged sexuality. They didn’t even know this about themselves, and didn’t even think about it, and they killed any such thought in the very bud, as impossible, unbearable, terrible, because they lived adequately to the laws of society and faith. And they even had families, and gave birth to children, and everything was fine. There were a lot of these people after the locks holding back the elements of passion were torn down. A person is unable to cope with the stormy destructive flow; his consciousness cannot hold on. A person is constantly told: you are normal, you have the right to be who you are, to do as you want. A person, imbued with such suggestions, enters into a false struggle for himself. For self-identity, as it seems to him. Moreover, he really feels that he is “different.” And he’s like this not because he’s special, it’s just that the layers of his consciousness have been torn open, and deep-seated damage has come to the surface. And now he can’t do anything with himself. And this is actually self-destruction. The same can be said about any other mental damage. If a person’s nature is subject to passions, and he watches on TV everything that is, in fact, designed for these passions, much that was previously inhibited, extinguished by family, communication, work, will come out. The manipulations of mass consciousness that have occurred and are occurring have given rise to various mental injuries, depression, hysteria, and all kinds of sadomasochistic manifestations. Such mentally ill people are looking for some kind of society for themselves that would react and respond to their painful state. For example, they form their own groups within the Church, disguising their mental damage as religious consciousness. Yes, now we need to create a psychotherapeutic office at every church! The mentally ill come to the Church in large numbers, but not because they are looking for Christ, not because they are believers, but because they need a society adequate to their mental damage, where they will play at humility, repentance, or something else. or else, calling it spiritual.
The rapid development of totalitarian sects became possible only thanks to the appearance of sadomasochists in a huge number. After all, they need such organizations. A masochist needs a tough leader who would destroy and humiliate him in every possible way. And a person with sadistic inclinations needs someone whom he could put pressure on, whom he could mock. And they find each other... Unfortunately, this exists in the Church, and in huge quantities, we just don’t know how to look at it soberly, to honestly call everything by its proper name. Meanwhile, it is simply necessary to understand what we are dealing with. Moreover, in the family we can also encounter similar things. Therefore, a priest needs to know what pathologies there are, how the human psyche works. To do this, it is necessary that the most serious courses in psychology and psychiatry be taught in seminaries. Moreover, every priest himself must be seriously checked in this regard.
There was love without joy... But still, for the most part, marriages fail not for such serious and obvious reasons, but for ordinary and everyday reasons, both unmarried and married. Sometimes it’s simply because people are bored with each other. Because they were either not close from the beginning, or failed to maintain love. Modern consciousness reassures divorcing spouses: “No one is to blame, you just don’t get along,” etc. But when love disappears, people are responsible for it. After all, it does not die on its own. They just don’t take care of it and it’s not preserved. And love must be maintained, like a fire in which wood is put so that it does not go out.
Let's remember the words of the Apostle Paul about love, and accordingly, about family, because it must be built on love. It is written there: Love is patient, it is kind, love does not envy, love does not boast, is not proud, does not act rudely, does not seek its own, is not angry, does not think evil, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; covers all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails (1 Cor. 13:4-8). Unfortunately, these are the properties of love and marriage that few people now have access to.
Long-suffering, not irritated - when these properties of love are lost, then anything can happen to the marriage. Love does not look for its own, and in marriage people often look for exactly what is theirs: give it, bring it, cook it, why didn’t you wash it right, why didn’t you do it that way. Or: why did you bring so little money, why do you do this and don’t do that, why didn’t you help me. And the division begins: who owes whom. When the question is posed: you owe me, and not the other way around: I always owe you, then love leaves. Then people tend to break up and start over with someone else.
What can the Church do to prevent such loveless marriages? It is necessary to create, legislatively (as mandatory for every parish), a kind of “protective field for marriage” - a probationary period before the wedding, some kind of catechesis in order to prepare people for marriage, give them the opportunity and time to take a closer look at each other, go through a certain path in the Church through common prayer and participation in worship. Then many marriages would not have taken place. I had several such cases in my parish: people are nice, very religious, they like each other, they want to get married. You tell them: “Okay, let’s do this: pray, visit each other, go on a pilgrimage together...”. You look, and after three or four months they “remain only good friends.” And glory to You, Lord.
Pitfalls of Orthodox marriages So, the first danger is marriages of frivolity. The second reason for the fragility of marriages in the Orthodox environment is women's instability. There are few Orthodox grooms! And the girls have an “obsessive idea” - to marry an Orthodox man at the first opportunity. “Lord, I pray to You about this! Where is he? Give me a sign! Such a person can take any circumstance as a sign from above, interpret it in his own way and get married. Why, why?.. Yes, because I really wanted to, because I had to get married! "Want to get married! But I’m Orthodox, which means I need an Orthodox husband!” Such hasty marriages are in many ways “risk marriages” - there is a very high probability that in this case nothing may work out with family life.
The third thing that requires proper understanding and resolution is that priests begin to engage in a task that is not typical for them - making intra-parish pairs. Blessing for marriage under the guise that “here is a good girl, here is a good young man, it’s time for them to get married.” These are the so-called “obedient marriages.” Unfortunately, there are a lot of such marriages, they are even popular. This is the problem with some parishes where such a mentality reigns: the priest knows and sees people better. And out of obedience to the confessor, without much love or even sympathy, families are created. They can be quite strong, but I’m not sure they’re happy. They are called upon to set an example of an exemplary large Orthodox family, but what are they really? Well, children are born. The wife takes care of the children, she gives all her unspent love to them. And thank God. And the husband throws himself into work, into making money. What is their relationship with each other? Yes, by and large, none. There is no great joy in these marriages.
To break up or not? One of the Russian classics said that all families are happy the same, but unhappy in different ways. And this misfortune always has many expressions and shades. Therefore, it is impossible to clearly name a reason (whether included or not in the canons or Synodal decrees) sufficient for divorce, because named by itself, separately from the situation, it will never sound convincing enough. It is only justified to say something in the context of a specific case. Too subtle a question: relationships in marriage.
But divorce, like abortion, for example, are cases that a priest cannot bless at all, since this, in principle, contradicts the Gospel. He can’t even give advice, but he can say this: if you think it’s necessary, do it. He may, say, not oppose, but leave this decision to the will of the person himself.
But there is one rule for all occasions. If the family ship is leaking, then the spouses must first of all think about the question: is it even possible to save the family? And if so, how? If there is at least some chance to restore the marriage, then, of course, it must be used. This is possible provided there is a clear vision of the reasons for the discord, sincere repentance and a desire to save the family. But, unfortunately, most often a person does not want to look at himself critically and admit his guilt. That is why they view the destruction of relationships as an already accomplished fact.
But, on the other hand, there is hardly any need to strive to save a marriage if one of the spouses is actively and clearly dragging the rest of the family into destruction, into fiery Gehenna, into the underworld. Then, probably, it is worth deciding on the issue of divorce, for the sake of preserving and saving the children, and all household members.
Of course, life is diverse and complex; it does not fit into schemes. This must be clearly understood and correlated with our time, with modern consciousness. It is no longer possible to draw everyone into the canonical field of the 19th century. Nowadays people often don’t even understand what caused the collapse of their family. Therefore, the Church is enormously lenient, compared to past centuries, regarding second marriages. This process cannot be stopped by anything. To say to a person: “Carry your cross, this is your destiny” - in fact, this is, without a doubt, correct. But reality remains reality, and a person cannot live contradicting himself if he does not know how to treat life as bearing a cross, as a feat, as a spiritual struggle. And it is impossible to force him to do something that he is not capable of. Talking about responsibility and duty also turns out to be useless. This problem is, by and large, insoluble. Today, the Church cannot provide a legal (canonical) basis for the divorce process, because although there are approved grounds for divorce, which we talked about above, most marital unions break up for other reasons that do not fall under the canons.
What to do? Yes, you cannot fix the world and return to where you came from, but you can, by communicating with each specific person, try to transform something in him, slow him down or keep him in check. To do this, you need to at least understand who he is, a modern person, and what he has in him.
We are now moving into a new era, and what it will bring is still unclear. The computer virtual world has already shifted a new layer of social consciousness - life in blogs, which has nothing to do with reality, the seething world of TV series, advertising of immorality - all this is now completely destroying the social atmosphere that can protect marital relationships. Therefore, a family in the modern world can only rely on real, serious, responsible love, when people are truly sure that they love each other, and that they will fight for this love and carry it to the end. Otherwise there is no point in marriage.
Recorded by Tatiana BYSHOVETS
| “The Church insists on lifelong fidelity of spouses and the indissolubility of Orthodox marriage. The current situation is extremely worrying, in which a very significant proportion of marriages are dissolved, especially among young people. What is happening is becoming a real tragedy for the individual and the people. The Lord called adultery, which desecrates the sanctity of marriage and destroys the bond of marital fidelity, the only acceptable basis for divorce. In 1918, the Local Council of the Russian Orthodox Church in the “Definition on the reasons for the dissolution of a marriage union sanctified by the Church” recognized as such, in addition to adultery and the entry of one of the parties into a new marriage, also the apostasy of a spouse from Orthodoxy, unnatural vices, inability to marital cohabitation, which occurred before marriage or was the result of intentional self-mutilation, leprosy or syphilis, long-term unknown absence, condemnation to punishment coupled with deprivation of all rights of the estate, encroachment on the life or health of the spouse or children, daughter-in-law, pimping, taking advantage of the indecency of the spouse , incurable serious mental illness and malicious abandonment of one spouse by the other. Currently, this list of grounds for divorce is supplemented by such reasons as AIDS, medically certified chronic alcoholism or drug addiction, and the wife committing an abortion with the husband’s disagreement.” Fundamentals of the social concept of the Russian Orthodox Church |
Divorce in an unwed marriage is a sin
In the sacrament of wedding a person receives grace. I myself married my wife after ten years of marriage, when we already had a child. And you know, it was such an amazing joy, as if our life had begun anew... When people get married and then get divorced, this is a very big sin. The fact is that the Church looks at marriage not as a union of psychologically compatible people, but as a feat, a school of love.
And if you have already decided to connect with a person, then you must go through this school to the end. The Church does not simply bless marriages. When a young man and a girl from our parish want to get married, we test them for a year, and they must lead a chaste life before marriage. If you have received God's blessing for marriage, you need to endure until the end and not change.
In fact, there is no point in looking for a new husband or wife. People differ little from each other.
In the Bible, in Malachi 2:14-16 it is written: “You say: “Why? Because God was a witness between you and the wife of your youth, with whom you acted treacherously, although she is your friend and the wife of your agreement with her. But there was one who did not do so, because he had what was left of God's spirit. What was he looking for ? Descendants from God. Watch your spirit, and let no one deal treacherously with the wife of his youth.
After all, I hate divorce, says the Lord God. “Watch your spirit and do not act treacherously.” Although we are talking about husbands who leave their wives, the same principle applies to wives who divorce their husbands without biblical grounds. If the spouses supported each other every day, shared their sorrows, joys and plans, everything would be different. Then they would be afraid of losing each other.
But many do not have the patience for this, and as a result, the other half goes to where they love and wait.
- leads to divorce and the long absence of the husband from the family;
- simple and large selection of candidates. More recently, parents selected the other half for their children. They did this very carefully, sometimes for a very long time. Modern young people are much more relaxed and have a simpler approach to this issue.
Archpriest Konstantin GOLOVATSKY, priest of the Church of the Assumption of the Blessed Virgin Mary on Malaya Okhta, head of the Orthodox youth club “Vstrecha”, chairman of the Department for Youth Affairs of the St. Petersburg Diocese: Church marriages are most often dissolved when the family has already broken up.
Regardless of the method, its essence is the same - censure, because the family breaks up and the dignity of marriage is lost. In Muslim countries, marriage is considered a godly matter and there are few single men and women here. But if Muslim men can afford to marry a woman of a different faith, then this is forbidden to Muslim women by Allah. And when such a couple separates, on the contrary, it will be a benefit for both, and not a sin, and most likely each of them will find their soul mate and move on with her in life.
Therefore, every situation cannot be labeled a sin; everything is individual and depends on personal circumstances. I think not. And despite all the vicissitudes of family life, I am quite happy. I consider my second marriage successful.
I wish the same for you. But my story is in no way a signal for execution - the choice is yours! It is sinful to divorce only when a godly couple who had a great future and love separates. Here the benefit given to them karmically is destroyed. But if a husband and wife live without love, like a cat and a dog, this is an even greater sin.
After all, such marriages often take place, as they say, “on the fly.” And naturally, such a marriage will not bring happiness to anyone. This will be a burden and burden for both. Belgorod and Stary Oskol diocesan administration, deputy editor-in-chief of the New Ark magazine: Judging by your words, the priest to whom you turned was wrong. Perhaps he expressed himself somehow inaccurately or he himself is not entirely aware of how the Russian Orthodox Church evaluates marriages registered by the state.
I will quote from the “Fundamentals of the Social Concept of the Russian Orthodox Church on this topic: “The Holy Synod of the Russian Orthodox Church on December 28, 1998 noted with regret that some confessors declare civil marriage illegal or demand divorce between spouses who have lived for many years together, but due to due to certain circumstances, those who did not perform a wedding in the church... Some pastors and spiritual fathers do not allow persons living in an “unmarried marriage” to receive communion, identifying such marriage with fornication.”
How to dissolve a church marriage unilaterally
As already mentioned, there is no “church divorce”. Accordingly, there is no need for the separated husband and wife to contact the Temple of God in order to formalize the dissolution of the married couple , either together or separately.
Advice! If it is necessary to recognize a church marriage as having lost its canonical force, you should contact the diocesan administration at your place of residence with a corresponding petition, indicating the reasons for separation from your spouse. also necessary to present a certificate of divorce (issued by the registry office), a wedding certificate (if it is preserved) and other documents related to the reasons for the divorce.
Necessarily! You will need to obtain the permission and blessing of the diocesan bishop (bishop) for a remarriage, as well as a wedding, if one of the former spouses dares to create a new family according to Orthodox canons. Considering that the Church adheres to the principle of blessing for a second marriage only those who are not guilty of the reasons for the dissolution of the first, obtaining permission will not be so easy.
Divorce
One of them is alcoholism and drug addiction. Some time ago I spoke with a woman who, as she said, “killed her son with her own hands.” Imagine the horror of the situation. A woman resuscitation doctor refused to call an ambulance for her son, who was writhing from a drug overdose.
She went outside to smoke, knowing that her only son was dying in the apartment. In the case of adultery, after repeated attempts to heal the situation, after the admonitions of the traitor, if everything remains the same, the most correct step would be to dissolve the marriage. To put up with lawlessness, to turn a blind eye to it, means to indulge sin, in a sense, to become an accomplice in sin.
Or let us remember the wonderful words about love of the Apostle Paul: love never ceases, although prophecies will cease, and tongues will be silent, and knowledge will be abolished. What is it about? That marital love, unity, acquired on earth, will pass with us into eternity.
So, according to God’s plan, marriage is an eternal and indissoluble institution. But in reality, due to the sinfulness of people, the marriage could collapse. In the Old Testament, in the book of Deuteronomy, it is said that divorce is possible if the husband finds something objectionable in his wife4.
According to researchers, initially, the opposite was understood as adultery. However, subsequently, Jewish interpreters began to distort this commandment and allow divorce for any reason convenient for a man. Even his one desire, accompanied by the words that his wife was disgusting to him, was enough for him to consider himself free from marriage.
The Bible on Divorce and Remarriage is a Sin
Next question: What if a Christian still wants a divorce and remarriage in violation of the commandment? Clearly this is a sin against God. Does this mean that such a person will go to hell for this sin? It’s not for me to judge such things. Let God decide.
I know that I have sinned many times since my baptism. I will not be the one to throw the first stone at such a person. What I can say is that such a person must take responsibility for his sin.
Does this mean that a remarriage must be annulled or the person will go to hell? I think not, but again I'm not in the place to judge. God does not give a direct answer to this question. Paul was speaking to those disciples of Christ who became Christians after marriage and are now married to non-Christians. We find this in 1 Corinthians 7:12-16.
He tells us that if a Christian is married to a non-Christian and they agree to remain married, so be it (except in cases of adultery, which Jesus already told us). Paul tells us that if a non-Christian in such a marriage wants to leave the marriage, let him leave, literally he is “not bound.” In other words, if a non-Christian wants a divorce from a Christian and divorces him, then for that Christian to remarry is not adultery.
There is one principle here - Jesus brought His teachings and His laws (there is no better word) for His followers, Christians. I have two questions, I hope you can help me. What does the Bible say about divorce and remarriage? Is divorce and remarriage a sin according to the Bible?
This seems to be not uncommon in many churches. Can a divorced person who has remarried hope for heaven? The second question is, if a person must repent of sins in order to be saved, how then can anyone even know about every sin in order to repent of them? To summarize: if a Christian is married to another Christian, or if they were both baptized as a married couple, then for them divorce is a sin.
If there has been infidelity, then the injured party has the right to divorce and remarriage, but the one who cheated does not have such a right.
This is not a complete list of sins. It can also be expanded. At the end of the confession, we can say this : I sinned in deed, in word, in thoughts, with all the feelings of soul and body. It is impossible to list all my sins, there are so many of them.
But I repent of all my sins, both spoken and forgotten. Even if the child later has to live in a single-parent family, he must be protected from negative influences. For me this is the main thing.
If the spouses' feelings for each other have faded, you can try to save the family. But if the relationship in the family is such that the child feels bad, it is better to separate in a civilized manner. For example, young people care how much a girl earns.
Of course, if a woman works, that’s wonderful, but it’s crazy when they decide on this basis whether to start a family. Zinovy KOGAN, Chairman of the Congress of Jewish Religious Organizations and Associations of Russia, Rabbi: In my opinion, divorces can be justified if the marriage did not produce children, and one of the spouses wants children.
And when such a couple separates, on the contrary, it will be a benefit for both, and not a sin, and most likely each of them will find their soul mate and move on with her in life. Therefore, every situation cannot be labeled a sin; everything is individual and depends on personal circumstances.
I think not.
Remarriage problems
Question : Several years ago, the Sretensky Monastery held a series of lectures on the Christian family at the Polytechnic Museum.
One day was entirely devoted to questions and answers, and I asked my burning question. Why does this happen: a bright, pure girl; smart, well-mannered boy; the priest knows both of them, blesses them, crowns them, but family life doesn’t work out? And vice versa: stormy youth, both have several marriages behind them, children of their own and others; the priest does not bless, does not take responsibility, because he does not see the basis for the future happiness of the family, but they still get married, and everything is fine with them - why is this so? Several priests were sitting at the table on the stage, answered Archpriest Maxim Kozlov. I remembered it for the rest of my life, probably because I answered very honestly. I can’t reproduce it verbatim, but the meaning is this: family is always a risk. Yes, sometimes there is every reason for happiness, people do everything right to be worthy of God's mercy and family happiness. But there is no happiness. And vice versa: they play pranks because they are young, there is no basis for happiness, but God, in His mercy, finds a basis for happiness precisely for these people. This is a secret from God. This is a risk for humans. Always. And that's fair. Answer
: Although this is more of a remark rather than a direct question, I will try to express my point of view on this problem, especially since similar questions concern many people, and I have already had to answer them before.
I agree with dear Father Maxim: starting a family is always a risk. Like any difficult and important matter. Such as, for example, the opening of a new enterprise, the construction of a large facility, or the birth of a child. Isn’t a woman, especially a believer, for whom abortion is a grave sin, at risk when she conceives and then gives birth to a baby? After all, an ectopic pregnancy, various complications, the threat of miscarriage and, finally, the risk of dying during childbirth or giving birth to a disabled child are possible. No one is immune from these and other dangers. But, nevertheless, almost every family, knowing about these dangers, takes risks. Or another example: driving a car. Every year 30 thousand people die on Russian roads. This is twice as many as our soldiers died in Afghanistan during the nine years of war. And how many more people remain crippled and lose their health in road accidents every year! But, knowing all this, everyone continues to use vehicles, and some work as drivers. But every sane person, starting an unsafe business, tries to reduce the risk as much as possible. This is also said in the Gospel: “For which of you, desiring to build a tower, does not first sit down and calculate the cost, whether he has what it takes to complete it, so that when he lays the foundation and is not able to complete it, all who see it begin to laugh? over him, saying: This man began to build and could not finish? Or what king, going to war against another king, does not sit down and consult first whether he is able with ten thousand to resist the one coming against him with twenty thousand? Otherwise, while he is still far away, he will send an embassy to him to ask for peace” (Luke 14: 28–32). An example with the same driving a car: who will get into accidents more often - a driver who has completed a training course, drives carefully and follows the rules, or a person who bought a license without really learning to drive, often breaks the rules and is also prone to recklessness ? I think the answer is obvious. If a woman wants to reduce the risk during pregnancy, she must also follow the rules: take care of herself, eat well, do not lift heavy objects, and see a doctor. If she carries heavy bags, smokes, drinks alcohol and does not care about doctors’ recommendations, then it is very likely that her pregnancy will end in failure. Of course, there are very small chances that, despite all this, the Lord will still save her and the unborn baby and she will safely give birth to a healthy baby - there are such cases. But it is clear to anyone that the risk for such a woman in labor increases many times over.
Now about marriage. If a Christian wants to live according to the will of God and save his soul, he must be guided not by his own “truth”, but by the Truth of God, which is set out in the Holy Scriptures and in the writings of the Holy Fathers, that is, in the Holy Tradition, as well as the instructions of his conscience and advice spiritual father. If he lives according to the principle: “my will be done,” I will live as I want, and the Lord will somehow manage there (after all, life is a risk anyway), he commits a great sin, deliberately goes against God and exposes himself to great danger .
The Holy Scriptures teach us about marriage. I will not present it in detail now with numerous quotes - everyone can find them themselves if they wish. I'll be brief. The Lord gives us rules for family life. These are: 1) mutual marital love and hierarchy, in the image of the love and hierarchy of Christ and the Church, 2) preservation of purity before marriage and fidelity in marriage, 3) indissolubility of the marital union (except for the guilt of adultery): “what God has joined together, let man not separates" (Matthew 19:6). If we build family life according to these spiritual laws, we can protect our family from many troubles and find marital happiness. Of course, there are cases, like the one described in the above comment, when church virgin young people do not find marital happiness and their marriage falls apart. But, if you look at the situation as a whole, divorces, infidelity and family scandals are much less common in church families. There, these phenomena are exceptions, but in other, non-believing families, they are common and even natural. Christian families are falling apart not because the rules of Christian family life are bad, and not because the Holy Scriptures are outdated, but because we are such Christians - Orthodox Christians of the 21st century, who have forgotten what true love, family, and patience are. After all, in order to create a strong and happy Christian family, only external correct conditions are not enough. Our personal work and the feat of family life are necessary. The Monk Seraphim of Sarov said that for salvation it is not enough just to pray, fast and go to church, you need to “acquire the Holy Spirit.” So it is in family life. Of course, the right conditions help us and reduce risks, but the main thing is to acquire and preserve the spirit of love. True, sacrificial marital love is the content of marriage, and the right conditions are the form.
As Father Maxim Kozlov again correctly noted, there is a special care of God, His Providence for each specific person and for each married couple. Because every person has his own path to God. Someone in childhood did not receive an Orthodox upbringing, grew up in a single-parent family and “played tricks in his youth” - he has only one demand, God’s only care for him. And it may very well be that this person, after his sincere repentance and awareness of his mistakes, the Lord will give another chance for happiness. Or vice versa: a person grew up in a priestly, friendly family, but deliberately followed the path of sin, fell into fornication before marriage, cheated on his wife during marriage, got divorced and entered into a second marriage - it is clear that the demand from him will be completely different: “who much has been given, much will be required; and to whom much has been entrusted, they will require more from him” (Luke 12:48). Yes, the Lord has a special view of everyone, but that’s why it’s special
, which is not for everyone. And for all of us there is a common plan of God: to be saved and build a life (including a family life) according to the commandments, according to the Gospel.
You gave a very specific example: the couple went through a turbulent youth, each had several marriages and several children from these marriages, went against the blessing of the priest, got married, and everything is fine with them. Sorry, but as a clergyman who regularly receives confession, I cannot agree with this. Constantly confessing to people who are not in their first marriage, I know how they, their spouses and children suffer from all these mistakes, and most importantly, how they themselves suffer from pangs of conscience. No normal person will argue that marriage should be created once for a lifetime and that this is much better than going through trial, error and sins. No person can simply erase negative experiences from life, forget everything like a bad dream. Even after repentance and confession, the consequences of his sins will be with him. There will remain his ex-spouses, children from previous marriages with whom he needs to communicate, as well as memories of past relationships and the habit of sin. This means that “everything is fine” can no longer be. But this is a topic for another discussion.
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Question : I divorced my husband: we were unbelievers and young. She got married a second time. Is true love possible in our marriage, because I committed a great sin, or is it fornication, passion? Now I am a church person, I even work in a church; my current husband rarely goes to church, but he believes in God.
Answer
: Yes, the great tragedy of our people is their isolation from their spiritual roots. The 70-year-old atheistic captivity has done its dark work, and the consequences of this godlessness will affect us and our descendants for a long time. Most people came to the Church after going through a lot, making many mistakes and sins. But the Lord came to earth for this purpose, to give hope to every person. And Christianity is a religion of resurrection; The main task of our faith is the resurrection of the human soul. How is it done? Through baptism and repentance. Rus', of course, has already been baptized, and more than 80% of us have been baptized, but the Holy Fathers call repentance and confession a second baptism, only not with water, but with tears. Many, repenting of great sins, ask: “Will God forgive me or not forgive me?” This question arises from a misunderstanding of repentance. As if there is some kind of offended Divine dignity that awaits satisfaction and punishment for the criminal. God is all-perfect Love, He has long forgiven us all, taking upon Himself our sins and sacrificing Himself for us. But He is waiting for our personal repentance, and we need: firstly, to admit that we are sick, and, secondly, to take the path of correction - for our own good. If we don’t repent, we won’t correct ourselves, but God wants our salvation. After repentance, you have a lot of work to do on yourself, on your mistakes, and, of course, it won’t be easy. The greater the sin, the greater its destructive consequences for us and the people around us. Sin is a spiritual disease. Diseases have different degrees of severity and forms. There is a runny nose, it is treated quickly, but there is tuberculosis, it takes a long time to be treated, it is not easy and the consequences remain. Fornication, adultery, family destruction are diseases that many modern people suffer from. Sins are serious, and they are not easy to heal. The Church, healing illnesses of the soul, after confession, prescribes penitential penance, depending on the severity of the sin. Of course, the terms of penances that are given in church canons are not applicable in modern Russian reality, therefore penances are given by confessors as best they can, based on the specific situation, the capabilities of the penitent and the degree of his church involvement. Let me give you an example. Most women in our country have had abortions. For abortion, according to the 2nd canonical rule of St. Basil the Great, one must be excommunicated from communion for 10 years. Can you imagine what will happen if we excommunicate all these women for such a period? But many of them had more than one abortion. After such a rebuke, some will never come to church again, so penance is now being given as much as possible - because of the weakness and lack of churching of our people.
Of course, Holy Scripture tells us about monogamy. And the Lord indicates only one reason for divorce - adultery of one of the spouses (see: Matt. 19: 9). According to church rules, if a marriage broke up due to adultery, the injured party was allowed to enter into another marriage. Remarriage was also allowed due to widowhood. Nowadays the Church condescends to the weakness of people, due to the above reasons. This is what is said in the “Fundamentals of the Social Concept of the Russian Orthodox Church,” a document adopted at the Council of Bishops in 2000: “The Church does not at all encourage second marriage. However, after a legal ecclesiastical divorce, according to canon law, a second marriage is permitted to the innocent spouse. Persons whose first marriage broke up, was dissolved through their fault, entering into a second marriage is allowed only on condition of repentance and fulfillment of penance imposed in accordance with the canonical rules.”
You are asking whether your second marriage is fornication, passion, or is it still a marriage and love is possible in it. Of course, your union is not fornication; it is a legal marriage, although not the first. In the rite of weddings for second-weds, even if widowers are getting married, penitential motives are very clearly visible, and the wedding takes place without crowns, as a sign that the spouses are no longer virgins and are remarrying. The Church has always treated a second marriage as an acceptable weakness.
Now about love. Of course, love is possible in your marriage. The commandment to love is central to the New Testament. And if it so happens that people entered into a second marriage, they also have the opportunity to love and be loved.
I would like to talk a little about the difficulties and even dangers of remarriages. Yes, repentance cleanses our sins, and the Lord, in His mercy, forgives them, but we have already said that very painful consequences inevitably remain.
You can often hear stories from movie and pop stars and all kinds of public people about how happy they are in their fourth or fifth marriage, how well they get along with their ex-wives and husbands. And many people have the impression that everything is very easy and simple: if you weren’t lucky in your first marriage, it doesn’t matter, you can try again, and finally “my attempt No. 5” will bring happiness. Of course, the real life of stars is a sealed secret for us, but we still know something about them. It is known, for example, that there are simply no more unhappy people in family life than artists, singers and poets. In this community, a close-knit family and lifelong love are a rare exception. Can their revelations be trusted? I remember the story of the actor Stanislav Sadalsky. He once said something like this: “Sometimes it’s funny for me to hear the stories of my fellow artists about what a wonderful family they have and how much they love each other. After all, I know that there are such horns on each side that they can no longer fit through the door.” But it happens the other way around: in interviews, stars share details of “terrible” family scandals specifically to “promote themselves,” create additional advertising for themselves, and draw attention to their person. It can be difficult to understand where is real life and where is another feature film. Creative people are generally not an easy people. I have had occasion to confess to professional artists and poets: these are special people. Their working tool is the nervous system. They themselves admitted that often in ordinary, real life they cannot disconnect from their performance on stage, they live in their roles, images, and continue to play them in life. This is their big problem.
A family psychologist with 20 years of experience, Irina Anatolyevna Rakhimova, once told me that, unfortunately, with artists, as a rule, everything is shallow. They usually take mutual infidelity lightly. But they don’t have deep feelings or strong love. For some time they sincerely believe that they are in love, that they are happy, and then, when emotions cool down, they easily part. In addition, it is possible to judge whether a marriage was a success or not only after a long period of time has passed.
But let's go down from the starry Olympus to earth. What about us, ordinary people? Let me give you a few examples showing that past sins and mistakes of youth can greatly interfere with family life. Middle-aged spouses from the Moscow region came to my church. Nice, friendly family; it is clear that they love each other. But this is my husband’s second marriage; he has a son from his first marriage. And this man repeatedly told me that when he has to meet with his ex-wife on business, he has strong lewd thoughts and temptations, he begins to be very tormented by memories of their past life and he can barely cope with himself so as not to change his current one. wife. He cannot avoid communicating with his first wife, since he must see his son and also help her with money.
Another friend of mine, let's call him Gennady, was married twice. Both marriages broke up, there are children from both wives. The children are still small, he is forced to communicate with them on the territory of their mothers. When he comes to them, he periodically has an intimate relationship with one or the other, despite the fact that Gena is a believer, a church person.
Alexander and Nadezhda cohabited for about a year, then got married and got married. Alexander had another woman before Nadya. Now the couple go to church, regularly confess and receive communion. But Nadezhda began to be tormented by attacks of jealousy; she often reproaches Sasha for having a mistress before her. And Alexander now often compares his wife with his “ex” - unfortunately, not in favor of his wife.
Here's another example. A very young couple from the Vladimir region. They came to the Church already married; before marriage they had physical relations with each other, but did not live together. Before we met, we also led a not very chaste life. They have been leading church life for several years now, often going to confession and communion. But the past life does not want to let go. When meeting with former friends, my wife several times almost came to the point of fornication; Thank God, she found the strength to stop in time. The husband, suspecting something was wrong, began to be jealous, and conflicts and quarrels became more frequent in the family.
In addition to problems of a spiritual nature, other pitfalls may lie in wait for second marriages.
For those who have not encountered the problem of remarriage, it may seem that a divorced person with “experience” will have a much easier time in family life than someone getting married for the first time. Still would! A lot of baggage has been acquired, bumps have been filled, and now there is every chance of not making a mistake in choosing and building the right relationship in marriage. Unfortunately, there are very few cases where people actually learned from past mistakes and would not step on the same rake again. Why? People tend to see not their own mistakes, but to blame others for everything: “It’s not my fault that our marriage broke up; I was just unlucky; I got a very unsuitable spouse, but in the second or third marriage everything will be different.” And in a new marriage everything turns out exactly the same. For some time, the spouses live in perfect harmony, and then the option with the first marriage is repeated. Without admitting your guilt in what happened, without a deep analysis of your mistakes and your behavior in general, there will be no normal relationships in a new marriage.
One of my female psychologist friends highly recommended that those who have experienced a breakup (by the way, not only in marriage) should not make new acquaintances for some time - a year or more - but start working on themselves, their spiritual growth, in order to understand: what is preventing me from being happy in marriage , what are the disadvantages? why did our union break up? Only then there is a chance of happiness in marriage. I must say that with such a correct approach, sometimes it is possible to restore a broken marriage, and I am a witness to this. The advice “not to rush into creating a new union” is also valuable because the temptation to start looking for a new relationship immediately after a divorce is very great. And most often, nothing good comes of this: hasty creation of a family is often done to spite the first spouse, or a person seeks quick consolation in a new marriage, that is, he is guided not by love, but by some of his own selfish interests. Sometimes offended people want to increase their self-esteem by entering into a new marriage. The consequence of all this haste is poor choices and further family problems.
In any case, a new marriage does not always start from scratch; people with “experience”, voluntarily or unwittingly, bring into the new family those wrong attitudes, errors in communication, false patterns of behavior that interfered with them in their first marriage and contributed to its collapse. This is something we need to seriously think about.
In conclusion, I would like to say about the most important thing: what should people do who did not preserve their first union and created a new family? You need to start, of course, with confession, even if you are the victim. The fault in divorce is almost always mutual. Moreover, without seeing your guilt, your mistakes, you will repeat them in a new marriage. The second thing to do is to produce “fruit worthy of repentance” (Matthew 3:8), that is, try to live so that in a new marriage you not only do not repeat old sins, but also constantly cultivate and strengthen your love and relationships . You must create a Christian family, focused on true love, patience, humility and mutual concessions. Of course, constant prayer to God asking for help in family life and mutual prayer of spouses for each other are necessary.
The previously mentioned I.A. Rakhimova strongly advises people who have entered into a new marriage to especially pay attention to the basic law of family life: to make another person happy. Do not look for consolation in a new marriage only for yourself and solutions to your own problems, but fulfill the commandment to love your neighbor.
And, of course, use the negative experience of your past life in order not to repeat previous mistakes in a new union. You can also advise reading more good books about family and marriage and constantly thinking about how to improve your family life. Marriage is not an easy thing, and even more so for second marriages.
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Question : My husband left his first wife and married me, we are separated. His previous marriage was consummated, leaving behind a child. Recently, he and I also had a son. It turns out that I broke up my family. What do we do now? My husband and I have just begun to take our first steps in the temple.
Answer
: Of course, your husband committed a sin, and you are - at least indirectly - to blame for this. If your union was not a legal marriage, but simply cohabitation, I would definitely say that your husband needs to return to his previous family, but you and he are in a legal marriage. And even if he leaves you now, returns to his first wife and tries to restore his previous marriage, it remains to be seen whether he will be able to revive his past family, and your new marriage with him will be destroyed. I think we should leave everything as it is. What happened, happened, you can’t return the past, you need to live in the present. What's in the present? You have a family, you have a son, he needs a dad and mom who love him and love each other.
You are just beginning your journey in the Church. It needs to start with repentance: both you and your spouse need to confess and suffer penance from the priest for your sin. Sin is serious, and only spiritual life according to the commandments, regular confession and communion can help you heal spiritual wounds.
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Question : How to deal with lustful thoughts and immodest views of people of the other sex, when in the spring and summer most girls and women wear immodest, revealing clothes? It is very difficult to fight sinful thoughts and desires. And how to maintain your eyesight at work if you are surrounded by beautiful young women?
Answer
: Any sin - fornication, drunkenness and anger - begins with the acceptance of a thought, the thought of it. For example, a man went into a store to buy something, and his gaze fell on the display case with alcoholic beverages. And suddenly the thought: “Should I grab a bottle of fortified red to drink this evening? Or better yet, two.” If he coped with this thought, overcame it, or was distracted, he committed no sin, but if he agreed with the thought and brought it to life, he committed the sin of drunkenness. The same thing happens with the thought of fornication. At first it appears (most often, through some kind of visual image), then a person accepts it and commits mental fornication, and then real fornication or masturbation. In the ascetic patristic literature all this is described very well and in detail. Sinful thoughts are a common thing; most often they are instilled in us by the devil himself. The Holy Fathers teach us not to consider them our blood property, not to be afraid of them, but also not to talk with them. The most important task is to learn to cut off thoughts in time, when they first appear on the border of our consciousness.
Yes, indeed, it is difficult for a modern man, a modern Christian, to keep his vision and mind clean. It's difficult, but it's possible. Sin begins when we look at a person with lust, as it is said in the Gospel: “...everyone who looks at a woman with lust has already committed adultery with her in his heart” (Matthew 5: 28) - when we abandon immodest, prodigal views. In general, you need to be very careful with your views. If we have a weakness in our souls for the fair sex, we know this weakness, we need to try, while on the street, in the subway and in other public places, to “stare” around less. It is generally impolite to stare at people, and there is certainly no benefit from it. One girl I know said that her favorite pastime on public transport is looking at passengers: how they are dressed, what their faces are like, what they might be thinking about at the moment. This activity is very unhelpful. Why? You can commit several sins at once: judging a person by appearance or facial expression, envying or being seduced by that very lewd thought. So it’s better to say a prayer, read or listen to something on headphones than to stare around.
If we know that we are very seduced by the female body, the first thing to do is not to fix our gaze on immodestly dressed women. So, a photographer is looking for something to photograph, but he doesn’t photograph everything; if he doesn’t need an object, he simply moves the camera. But if he aimed and already “clicked”, then this image has already remained with him, in his camera, and the photographer will then examine it. And we, ordinary people, therefore need to record, “photograph” only what we need. If we fix our attention on women, it is very easy to then accept a lewd thought, an image and begin to commit mental sin with her. We need to notice less about beautiful women around us, not be glued to them with our eyes, perceive this diversity of dresses and bodies as a kind of background, look at the main thing, at what we really need.
Second point. The sin is not in the look, but in the attitude. How do we perceive a woman: as a target for lust or as something neutral, not ours? Let me give you an analogy. Imagine that we are in Moscow, somewhere on Tverskaya Street. There are luxury cars all around: Audi, Mercedes, Land Cruisers; sometimes even a Bentley flashes by... But we have modest Zhiguli cars, or we generally walk. And now we have a choice: either fall into sin (envy, lust, condemnation), or simply not pay attention to all this auto splendor, and maybe even be happy for the owners of foreign cars. Yes, it’s beautiful, prestigious, comfortable, but it’s not mine and, most likely, it will never be mine.
It’s the same with views on women. This especially applies to married men. As popular wisdom says: “The devil puts a spoonful of honey into someone else’s wife.” For a married man there should be only one woman - his wife; he should evaluate only her as a woman.
Now about the team. Here, too, we can protect ourselves, even if we communicate with beautiful women every day. After all, the man himself
gives himself permission: I’ll look at this one, but I won’t look at this one - it’s not mine. Only myself. Let's imagine that some young man has a beautiful sister, who also does not dress very modestly. Or his mother is still young and beautiful. But even if this young man does not adhere to strong moral principles, he still will not get inflamed by them, commit mental fornication with them. He, of course, will fight these thoughts and desires in every possible way. After all, this is unthinkable, forbidden, this is my mother and sister! So you can fight? So we need to imagine that all the women who seduce us are our sisters and treat them like family, with respect, but without lust. See them not as a seductive woman, but as a person with whom you can communicate (with caution, of course), who you can help if necessary, for example, for work, but nothing more. As St. Theophan the Recluse writes, when communicating with women, you need to learn to keep your heart on a leash and look at them “through the eyes of children who look at women purely, without bad thoughts.” I remember one famous musician told how his attitude towards young female fans who attended his concerts gradually changed. In his youth, they seduced him, he looked at them with lust, but over time, somewhere after 40 years, when his children had already grown up, he began to look at the fans as his adult daughters, no longer with unclean thoughts.
That is, you need to change your attitude towards women. These techniques for proper communication with the weaker sex are indispensable in priestly and medical practice. When ladies come for help, very often young and beautiful, and besides, they begin to tell all sorts of intimate details of their biography, special sobriety is required in order to maintain the necessary distance and treat them simply as people who need your advice and help. Over the years, a priest develops a kind of spiritual immunity to women. After all, even monastic priests have to accept confession from young women visiting the monastery or performing their service in the parish. Let me give you a parable about this. Two monks were returning after a patronal feast from a distant monastery to their home monastery. By the stream they saw a beautiful maiden; she wanted to cross to the other side, but was afraid to get her dress wet. One monk, so as not to see female beauty, turned away from her. Another silently picked up the girl and carried her across the stream. Then the monks continued on their way in silence, but near the monastery the first monk asked the second: “Brother, how could you touch a woman?” He answered him: “I just helped her and didn’t remember anymore, leaving her there by the stream, and you still carry her with you.”
On the fight against temptations and passionate thoughts, I advise you to read my book, published by the Sretensky Monastery publishing house, “Orthodox asceticism, outlined for the laity.”
***
Question : I had an abortion several years ago. I have repeatedly confessed to this sin, but my conscience constantly torments and denounces me, I want to mention it again and again in confession. Why is there very little relief after confession, does the feeling of guilt for what you have done not let go? And is it necessary to confess this sin repeatedly if it continues to torment?
Answer
: Once from one archpriest, whose authority for me is very high, I heard this explanation of your problem. That shame and feeling of guilt, which do not go away for a long time, even after sincere repentance and confession of a grave sin, are given to a person by God as a kind of penance, so that he can suffer a little and be cleansed of it.
Of course, there is no need to confess this sin again and again; you need to believe in the power of the sacrament of confession. If repentance was offered sincerely, the Lord, of course, accepted it and forgave you. The fact that your conscience continues to convict you is very good, because our fallen human nature tends to very quickly forget mistakes, which means returning to our previous sinful way of life. Very soon forgetting sins, a person ceases to see his true sinful state and may fall into pride. The Apostle Peter denied Christ at the crowing of a rooster and until the end of his days, hearing the rooster crowing, he repented of his sin. The psalmist and prophet David says: “For I acknowledge my iniquities, and my sin is always before me” (Ps. 50:5). But remembering and realizing your sins, you need to avoid the other extreme - despair and despondency. Here is the devil's trap. When we commit a sin, the devil presents us with an insignificant sin, and after the Fall he tries to convince us that there is no longer forgiveness for us. But in fact, there is no unforgivable sin, except unrepentant sin, as long as the person repents of it and wants to correct himself.
(To be continued.)
Divorce in an unwed marriage is a sin
This is all a man needs. This is how they live: she’s 20, he’s 28. Now she’s 25, he’s already 33. He’s tired of her... Has she gotten prettier over the past five years?
Firstly, he’s already tired of her - the same one walks in front of him and hasn’t gotten any better... And he didn’t promise her anything, and the young ones are already on the way... Those who were 15 years old yesterday are already 20 today, they’re already I’m also not averse to living without obligations. And he says: “You know, I went.” She says: “How did you go? Well, he licked all the cream, but doesn’t want to eat anymore.
She gave him her beauty, her youth, in the hope that maybe something would come of it, she did not give birth to children, she lived her best years with him.
- your passports (if the initiator of the debunking is one person, then only his passport);
- wedding certificate;
- document confirming legal divorce;
- if the basis for divorce is the illness of the husband (wife) or his (her) stay in prison, a medical report or a court decision in a criminal case will need to be additionally attached to the papers.
It is a crime! All this needs to be changed before it’s too late! Otherwise, what do you think, we will anger God and irritate him for a long time? Therefore, a wedding is too serious a thing to fool around with like that... And baptism is also too serious a thing to fool around with like that... And everything else is also too serious a thing to be treated as a requirement. Blessing an apartment is a requirement, but marrying a couple is not a requirement!
This is a sacrament for which you must answer later! You must tell them: “My dears, no one will tell you this except me, they will wish you happiness, health, happiness, health, bitterly, bitterly, there is nothing else in your brain, no one will wish for anything more. This is civil cohabitation, prodigal cohabitation... But marriage is different! ...Which of you would dare call a married couple who lived for 30 or 40 years together, raised children who lived to be grandchildren, but were not married because one of them was unbaptized, for example, as fornicators? Is he Jewish and she is Russian, or is he Russian and she is Jewish?
So they lived together all their lives, like two parrots in a cage, and grandchildren have already appeared near them. Which of you would dare to call them fornicators because they are unmarried? Please do not confuse unwed marriage and fornication!
Fornication is fornication, and marriage is marriage. One culprit of the process writes a petition, but the written consent of the second must be attached to it. The Orthodox Church reveres the institution of the family, any divorce is interpreted as a great sin, the commission of which is the fault of both spouses, therefore the permission of the Bishop will be received only when the ex-husband and wife realize this and sincerely repent. It’s not for nothing that the last words of the petition will be: “I apologize for the broken marriage.” Only after such a procedure will people be ready to seriously create a new family before God. Not everyone is able to live with a cheating spouse, even if he has sincerely repented.
Many victims of adultery go into deep depression. Of course, they will definitely experience despair and the feeling that everything is forever destroyed. But this state of the parent, and the situation itself in general, has a very strong impact on the children.
If there is such open disrespect, then is such a marriage normal? After all, marriage is about unity. But here there is no unity. And if all this is somehow acceptable for the wife - most often, if the wife does not have children and loves her husband, I advise you to fight for the marriage - then is all this necessary for the children? the spouse’s falling away from Orthodoxy; unnatural vices; inability to cohabitate in marriage, occurring before marriage or resulting from intentional self-mutilation; disease with leprosy or syphilis; long unknown absence; condemnation to punishment coupled with deprivation of all rights of the estate; an attack on the life or health of a spouse or children; daughter-in-law, pandering, benefiting from the indecency of a spouse; incurable serious mental illness and malicious abandonment of one spouse by the other.
The Apostle Paul adds one more reason - the unbelief of the spouse, but even here he adds that it is advisable for the believing spouse to endure, pray and believe in the conversion of his other half. To the rest I say, not the Lord: if a brother has an unbelieving wife, and she agrees to live with him, then he should not leave her; and a wife who has an unbelieving husband, and he agrees to live with her, should not leave him... If an unbeliever wants to get a divorce, let him get a divorce; the brother or sister is not related in such cases; The Lord has called us to peace7. One of them is alcoholism and drug addiction.
Some time ago I spoke with a woman who, as she said, “killed her son with her own hands.” Imagine the horror of the situation. A woman resuscitation doctor refused to call an ambulance for her son, who was writhing from a drug overdose.
She went outside to smoke, knowing that her only son was dying in the apartment.
Remarriage in the Bible
Biblical covenants condemn divorce , preaching the inviolability of the family and the devotion of husband and wife to each other. But separation of spouses, as well as entry into a new marriage, is not excluded.
- “...if a man divorces his wife, let him give her divorce” (Matthew 5:31).
At the same time, the thought is repeated repeatedly:
- “...whoever divorces his wife, except for the guilt of fornication, gives her a reason to commit adultery; and whoever marries a divorced woman commits adultery (Matt. 5:32).
- “Are you united with your wife? do not seek divorce” (1 Cor. 7:27).
- And again: “Whoever divorces his wife for reasons other than adultery and marries another commits adultery; and he who marries a divorced woman commits adultery” (Matthew 19:6, 9).
Based on these commandments, divorce is allowed (but only due to adultery) and entering into a second marriage. But according to the church interpretation, remarriage is possible as the grace of God for the spouse who was not the initiator of the breakup of the previous family union, and is the injured party.
It is noteworthy that according to the Bible, adultery on the part of a man is condemned, but does not give the wife the right to divorce:
- “A married woman is bound by law to her living husband; and if her husband dies, she is freed from the law of marriage. Therefore, if she marries another while her husband is alive, she is called an adulteress” (Epistle to the Romans of the Holy Apostle Paul, chapter 7, 2-3).
- “A woman is bound by the law as long as her husband lives” (1 Cor. 7:39).
Single and widowed people are ordered to preserve themselves in purity, but, taking into account human weaknesses and passions, creating a family is not prohibited:
- “To the unmarried and widows I say: it is good for them to remain as I do. But if they [cannot] abstain, let them marry; for it is better to marry than to be inflamed” (1 Cor. 7:8-9).
- “Are you left without a wife? don't look for a wife. However, even if you marry, you will not sin” (1 Cor. 7:27-28).
- “...if her [wife’s] husband dies, she is free to marry whomever she wants, only in the Lord. But she is happier if she remains like this (1 Cor. 7:39-40).
- “...if her husband dies, she is free from the law, and will not be an adulteress if she marries another husband” (Rom. 7:3).
In addition to infidelity, the only reason for divorce in the New Testament is the unbelief of one of the spouses:
- “If an unbeliever [wants] to divorce, let him divorce; brother or sister in such [cases] are not related; The Lord has called us to peace” (1 Cor. 7:15).
Divorce the Christian way: 15 reasons when the church allows divorce
The third marriage is allowed by the Church as a very great indulgence, but the fourth and subsequent marriages are no longer recognized (50th rule of St. Basil the Great “Tomos of Unity”). And it must be said that previously it was not allowed to enter into second and third marriages for those people who “didn’t get along and got divorced, but for widowers, widowers and injured spouses after a divorce due to adultery.”
In 2000, the Council of the Russian Orthodox Church made additions to the Church’s position regarding divorce. More precisely, he expanded the list of reasons why Orthodox spouses are allowed to divorce. This is how the document “Fundamentals of the Social Concept of the Russian Orthodox Church” appeared.
You need to divorce your wife or husband outside the church. It makes no sense for us to rely on Holy Scripture here. There are realities there.
For example, we won’t give our spouse a letter of divorce! This is not a relevant tradition for our time. It was in use among the ancient Jews. We now have other documents. In addition to what the Lord has called us to, there are also church innovations.
It is no secret that Christianity today is not the teaching that Christ’s disciples once professed. The core, of course, is common. But we have gone through centuries of reforms, the formation of traditions, rituals, canons.
The apostles did not read the akathists, but still both we and they are Christians.
In what cases is it allowed
As has already been emphasized, the Orthodox Church does not accept divorce, but under certain circumstances it allows the termination of a married marriage.
These situations are listed in the document “On the canonical aspects of church marriage”, adopted by the Council of Bishops of the Russian Orthodox Church, held on November 29 – December 2, 2017.
A church marriage can be recognized.
Void:
- In the case of a wedding without knowing about the obstacles to marriage.
- If one of the spouses is incapable of intimate life for natural reasons (if the other partner was not aware of this before marriage). But this does not apply to elderly people, and this issue is subject to consideration only after two years of marriage, except in cases where the illness is obviously irreparable.
Those who have lost canonical power:
- Departure from the Orthodox faith (including turning to sectarianism).
- Infidelity, as well as unnatural sexual inclinations.
- Conclusion of a new marriage in public authorities.
- Inability to perform marital duties due to intentional self-harm.
- A disease that is dangerous if living together for the other spouse, as well as children.
- An established diagnosis of “alcoholism” or “drug addiction” with an unwillingness to get rid of a bad habit and refusal of medical care.
- Unknown absence of one of the spouses for more than 3 years, subject to the provision of a confirming document from a government agency (for those who did not return after the end of hostilities or disappeared as a result of natural disasters, the period is reduced to 2 years).
- Conscious departure from the family (in the case when more than a year has passed).
- An abortion performed by a wife when her husband does not consent, or vice versa - forcing him to get rid of pregnancy.
- An attack on the life or health of a spouse or children, legally confirmed.
- A severe and incurable mental illness, identified already in marriage and excluding the possibility of living together.
- The decision of one of the spouses to enter a monastery (allowed with the written consent of the other spouse and the absence of minor children and other dependents).
Important! Only reasons that are destructive for the family or even deadly for the other spouse and children are considered “valid” for ending a canonical marriage. You will not receive a blessing for divorce as such from the clergy - in any life situation this is not a good thing.
Gospel sermons
Then, upon careful examination of the conflict in each specific case, the share of guilt of each participant will be revealed, and it is not at all necessary that both are equally guilty. There are times when the guilt of one party is so great that the other party could not do anything to save the marriage. Every family is individual, and no templates can be applied to this great secret - “Two will become one flesh”!
I will add, at the risk of arousing the wrath of the saints, that families often collapse from excessive intrusion into the family by external forces. Excessive parental care can contribute to the destruction of a marriage. The church community can also kill both faith and marriage. Obviously, we are talking about service in the Church.
Every believer, a born again person, not only can, but is obligated to serve. Otherwise he is not a believer. This is how the Church of Jesus Christ is structured, about which the Apostle Peter says: “But you are a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a special people, that you may proclaim the praises of Him who called you out of darkness into His marvelous light.” 1 Pet. 2:9. This passage defines the members of the holy people as a royal priesthood.
And at the same time it is said that each participant in this assembly of the holy people is obliged to serve, namely, to proclaim the perfections of the one who called into his wonderful light. Such a proclamation is carried out whenever a Christian, in the Name of the Lord Jesus Christ, does deeds of goodness, mercy and love. This is a universal attitude that exists in society.
It proceeds from the generally accepted belief that divorce is a crime. And since divorce is a crime, yesterday’s spouses are criminals. However, it should be recognized that divorced people are, firstly, unhappy, and, secondly, guilty.
Their family ship was wrecked. If we honestly examine the problems of marriage relationships, the biblical understanding of the family, the biblical understanding of the role of husband and wife in marriage, the parents of the husband and wife will have to take a huge share of the blame. It’s no secret that loving parents make enormous efforts to teach their children literacy.
Teach them music. Artistic art. They try their best to help their children get a higher education.
These are important elements of life for every person and citizen. But in this list of values, the most important thing is missing - preparation for marriage. Preparing girls for the greatest mission of being a wife and mother.
There is also no preparation of boys for the role of husband and father. Is Divorce Considered a Sin in Orthodoxy?
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And did they live happily ever after or not? About divorce in Christianity
In fairy tales, after the wedding, lovers always expect “and they lived happily ever after.” In reality, the number of divorces is growing every year. The Christian environment was no exception. The difference is that the attitude towards both the divorce itself and the people who have experienced the divorce remains uncertain.
We have collected the opinions of ministers from the USA, Ukraine and Russia to understand this and many other issues relating to divorce, divorced people and the role of the church in this.
Yuri Sipko, pastor, ex-chairman of the Russian Union of Evangelical Christians-Baptists (Moscow, Russia)
Is divorce an unforgivable sin? No. Of course not. Divorce is a tragic defeat in a marriage. Destruction of the union of two. Divorce is strictly forbidden by God. But there were divorces. Eat. And they will. The Gospel principle of forgiveness instructs Christians to forgive offenses and forgive sins against each other. Forgiving each other of people who were unable to create and maintain a marriage is also the most important condition in following Christ. Yesterday's husband and wife, forgiven by each other, cannot but be forgiven by the community or anyone else. The Holy Apostle Paul writes the following about this: “But to those who have entered into marriage I command, not I, but the Lord: a wife should not divorce her husband, but if she divorces, she must remain single, or be reconciled with her husband, and the husband should not leave his wife. "(1 Cor. 7:10,11). Following this text, divorce in this case is allowed as an exceptional measure to preserve peace.
Are both always to blame? This is a universal attitude that exists in society. It proceeds from the generally accepted belief that divorce is a crime. While I agree with this attitude towards divorce, I nevertheless want to say that divorced people are, firstly, unhappy, and, secondly, guilty. Their family ship was wrecked. If we honestly examine the problems of marriage relationships, the biblical understanding of the family, the biblical understanding of the role of husband and wife in marriage, the parents of the husband and wife will have to take a huge share of the blame. Then the church, in the person of the pastor, will have to take a huge share of the blame. Then, upon careful examination of the conflict in each specific case, the share of guilt of each participant will be revealed, and it is not at all necessary that both are equally guilty. There are times when the guilt of one party is so great that the other party could not do anything to save the marriage. Every family is individual, and no templates can be applied to this great secret - “Two will become one flesh”!
Can divorced people serve? Obviously, we are talking about service in the Church. Every believer, born again person is not only able, but obligated to serve. Otherwise he is not a believer. This is how the Church of Jesus Christ is structured, about which the Apostle Peter says: “But you are a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a special people, that you may proclaim the praises of Him who called you out of darkness into His wonderful light” (1 Peter 2:9) . This passage defines the members of the holy people as a royal priesthood. And at the same time it is said that each participant in this assembly of the holy people is obliged to serve, namely, to proclaim the perfections of the one who called into his wonderful light. As for the ministry that is associated with the performance of special duties for the organization of the church, such as an elder, a teacher, a deacon, such ministry by divorced people is unacceptable. The Holy Apostle Paul writes about the qualities of a candidate for minister: “But a bishop must be blameless, the husband of one wife, sober, chaste, orderly, honest, hospitable, and a teacher” (1 Tim. 3:2). Divorce is a vice, and therefore divorced persons cannot be considered as candidates for ministry.
Alex Prokopchik, pastor of the Russian Protestant Church in Los Angeles (USA)
The Church today is divided in opinion regarding divorce, one side speaks of the permissibility of divorce and demands to show grace, while the other side is strict about divorce and condemns such actions.
The Bible allows divorce in the following cases (MT.5:32, 1 Cor. 7:15) and also strictly prohibits (1 Cor. 7:10-13, Luke 16:18, MT. 5:32). Each situation needs to be considered separately, and look at the motivation for divorce and the reason. Personally, I am against divorce and believe that in any conflict situation between spouses it is possible to find a compromise and strength to save the marriage, especially if both spouses believe in the Lord.
One category of believers treats divorced people with contempt and considers them fornicators if they remarry; the second category is compassionate and believes that such people need healing and a chance at remarriage; The third category of people is neutral, liberal, bearing in mind that we live in a time where family values have lost their strength.
I don’t see much difference in the attitude towards a divorced man or woman; the difference is only in the reason and motives for divorce.
Igor Sokolov, pastor of the “Big City” church, (St. Petersburg, Russia)
Divorce is always a very difficult topic, and someone has said that there are no winners in divorce. However, we live in the real world and it is known that divorce has become a common occurrence in society.
The Church still proclaims and teaches that biblical marriage is an unbreakable union between husband and wife.
When divorce occurs, and very often remarriage occurs afterwards, I have observed at least three different approaches, each with strong arguments for its legitimacy:
- Biblical marriage must be for life, divorce is always prohibited, remarriage is always adultery;
- There are legitimate biblical grounds for divorce, and therefore remarriage is permitted;
- Divorce is necessary in the interests of the mental, emotional and physical health of one of the spouses (or their children).
- More often than not, it seems to me that the Church takes the second and third approaches to divorce and remarriage.
I am convinced that God ordained marriage to be an indissoluble and unique union between a man and a woman. Divorce is never taught or encouraged anywhere in the Bible.
Divorce is permissible only in two cases. Firstly, when the spouse guilty of sexual immorality is unwilling to repent and be faithful to the innocent party in the future. Secondly, when one of the spouses is an unbeliever, maliciously and constantly cheating on the believing partner.
I will quote one author: “According to the majority of evangelical theologians, a Christian who has gone for divorce has the right and freedom to enter into a remarriage “in the Lord” if he tried to reconcile with the other party, but did not succeed in this and dissolved the marriage, guided by biblical principles.” .
I have not seen other believers treat divorced people as second-class citizens, prohibit them from participating in worship, or prevent them from holding positions of leadership.
If a man or woman is the injured party in a divorce, they are equally sympathized with. If a man or a woman is the culprit in the dissolution of a marriage, they are equally blamed.
God hates divorce and forbids adultery, but none of these sins are unforgivable. If the sin is forgiven, there is no need to cling to the past. On the contrary, we should try our best to lead a pure and sin-free lifestyle.
Vladimir Ivanov, pastor of the Good News Church (Dnepr, Ukraine)
It is not God's will for divorce. Divorce is always a pain, a wound, it is always a defeat. In a divorce, both are always to blame. There is no mistake, no guilt that cannot be forgiven, covered up and forgotten. There is no pain that Jesus cannot heal. The Church must do everything possible to preserve the family through exhortation, reproof, discipline, and love. But if this evil has occurred, the church cannot reject the rejected. But I am obliged to surround divorced people with attention, love and care, so that after the divorce process the person does not spend it alone, but in the circle of the church, in the fellowship of love and attention.
Sergei Kireev, plenipotentiary representative of the commanding bishop of ROSHVE in the Penza region, guardian of the Centralized religious organization “Church of the Holy Trinity” of Christians of the evangelical faith (Pentecostals)
Speaking about the church, we must always understand that this is a meeting of people where every person can come with any problems and find their solution in the Word of God. God loves every person no matter how sinful he is. The second question is that a person coming to God should not use His love to justify his sins, but, on the contrary, understanding what price Christ paid for his forgiveness, should strive to present his life as pleasing to God.
What is the attitude of the church towards divorced people? To answer this question we will have to “eat the elephant in parts.”
Firstly, if we are talking about divorce before turning to Christ, then there is no problem here. In Christ, a person begins a new life, and, therefore, all his sins of his past life are erased. He may be a member of the church, may serve, occupy the position of leader or minister of the church.
If there are children in his previous marriage or even marriages, then naturally he needs to pay the awarded alimony and make every effort to restore relations with the children, providing them with various assistance.
If the divorce already occurred in the church, then everything is more complicated . We must always understand that the Bible tells us that there are two reasons for divorce:
1) Adultery (Matt. 19:9)
2) the reluctance of the unbelieving spouse to live in marriage with a Christian (1 Cor. 7:15).
It is worth noting that adultery is not a necessary reason for people to get divorced. A marriage is made in heaven, so the couple, their community, the church and ministers must do everything possible to save the family and the spouses can come to mutual forgiveness.
Likewise, if an unbelieving spouse does not want to live in marriage with a Christian, every effort must be made to save the family.
The Russian United Union of Christians of the Evangelical Faith (Pentecostals), of which I have the honor to be a clergyman, has adopted “Methodological recommendations for clergy on issues of marriage, divorce and remarriage.” This document is advisory in nature and regulates the situations described in its title from the position of the Word of God and established church practice.
Can a Christian divorced because of his spouse's adultery remarry? Yes, it can, but naturally for a believer. The Word of God says that “the brother or sister in such cases is not bound; The Lord has called us to peace” (1 Cor. 7:15, 39).
In our Union, we recommend that remarriage should take place no earlier than 2 years after the divorce. In this case, after counseling and an engagement period, a marriage ceremony is held.
Can he be in ministry? Yes, it can, since the Bible does not provide such a prohibition. According to the “Canonical rules for the ordination of clergy of the Russian Academy of Arts,” a minister of the Union “must be married no more than once, except if the spouse died or if the divorce occurred before his conversion to Christ, due to the fornication of the second spouse, or on the initiative of the second spouse” .
I would like to note that if we are talking about pastoral, episcopal or even deaconal ministry, then it is recommended that the minister be married. It is not given to everyone to be celibate, “like the Apostle Paul,” therefore the requirement of Scripture “the husband of one wife” (1 Tim. 3:2, 12; Titus 1:6) speaks not only about monogamy, but also about marriage in general, so that the minister was less tempted.
If a Christian is guilty of divorce, he must remain single or reconcile with his spouse (1 Cor. 7:10-11). Church ministers should make every effort to help him understand the reasons that led to the divorce and show him ways of correction. Disciplinary measures such as reprimand or excommunication may also be taken if necessary.
If a person has fallen into fornication, naturally, the church excommunicates him until he restores his family and passes a certain probationary period, during which the church must see the “fruits of repentance.”
Unfortunately, sometimes there are cases when the person responsible for the divorce realized his sin and repented, but it is no longer possible to restore the family, because... the second spouse exercised his right of “freedom” and remarried or died.
In this case, a person either must remain unmarried or, when getting married, must understand that the sacrament of marriage will not be performed in this case (only a prayer for blessing the marriage is performed). In our Union, we recommend that such a union can be concluded no earlier than 5 years after the collapse of the previous one. Naturally, if there were children in a broken marriage, the Christian must bear his obligations regarding their lives.
A Christian who is guilty of destroying a family and has remarried cannot be a clergyman of the Union, but, of course, in the event of his repentance and removal of church penalties, he can participate in the life of the community and help in its various ministries.
Vitaly Bevz, Master of Theology, teacher, Kirovograd, Ukraine
The problem of divorce has always existed, and it has been especially noticeable recently. But there is still a problem in the church regarding the attitude towards divorced people . People who have experienced a divorce, which has already become a strong blow for them, in addition to this, often face rejection and rejection in the church. Instead of support and counseling, they experience condemnation from other believers.
First of all, the problem lies in the fact that people do not even try to figure out who is to blame for the divorce . After all, a brother or sister who has gone through a divorce may be the innocent party, one might even say the victim. For example: a worthless husband left his wife (a respectable Christian) and ran away with his mistress. In this case, this sister is the victim, she needs help and support. However, she may be treated as guilty just because she is divorced. Figuratively speaking, she is being punished for the divorce, despite the fact that she is innocent.
This attitude can be illustrated by the following example: a woman forgot to close the front door of her apartment when she went to pick up her child at kindergarten. At this time, a thief entered the apartment and robbed it. At the trial, the thief is sentenced to prison for theft, and the woman (the victim) is sentenced to the same punishment for forgetting to close the door and provoking the thief to commit a crime.
Renowned teacher Derek Prince believed that the church had chosen a similar course of action in this matter, making no distinction between the guilty party and the victim. “Divorce is evil,” the Church declared, “so we punish both parties equally” (Prince D. God - Author of Marriages, P. 127).
But even if a person is guilty of divorce, he has the opportunity to receive forgiveness . Sometimes the church treats divorced people as if they have committed the unforgivable sin. It is easy for believers to believe that God forgives murder, forgives all kinds of sexual perversions, but not divorce.
Even if we consider divorce one of the most terrible sins, we must admit that it is not such a great sin that the blood of Jesus could not cleanse it.
I would like to end my commentary with a quote from Richard Hayes from the book “New Testament Ethics”: “The Church should continue to love and support divorced partners. Just as Paul in 1 Corinthians 7 does not impose disciplinary sanctions against divorced people, so in our day the Church should treat divorced people as full members” (Hayes R. Ethics of the New Testament, P. 499).
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