Who understands your loneliness
Have you ever thought of Jesus Christ as a man experiencing loneliness? Sure, his moments in Gethsemane and Calvary were extraordinarily and terribly lonely, but what about the rest of his life?
In some ways, he may have been the loneliest man in history.
Loneliness is what we feel when we are isolated from others. Loneliness is often associated not so much with the physical absence of others, but with a feeling of disconnection or alienation from them. Or with a misunderstanding of these feelings. In fact, it is much more painful than simple absence, because we feel isolated from contempt and rejection.
This is how Isaiah prophetically described Jesus: “He was despised and rejected of men, a man of sorrows and acquainted with grief” (see Isaiah 53:3). Given who Jesus was, this experience would have begun decades before his public ministry began. This means that Jesus can sympathize with your loneliness much more than you previously thought (Hebrews 4:15).
Unparalleled homesickness
Jesus humbled himself to "be born like men" (Philippians 2:7). We have little way of understanding how much it cost him. He experienced both the absence of his Father and human rejection that we cannot even imagine.
When I say that Jesus experienced the absence of his Father, I do not mean that he did not enjoy spiritual fellowship with the Father through the Spirit on earth. He did it, and it was sweeter than anything you or I have ever experienced (Matthew 3:17; John 1:32; 5:20).
No one on earth could identify with Jesus. No one could say, “I know exactly what you’re going through.”
According to Christian tradition, however, in order to become incarnate, He in a sense left the visible and holy presence of His Father and the glory which He had enjoyed there from eternity until the existence of the world (John 17:5). He had to endure life in a world under the power of the evil one (1 John 5:19). Think about a time you were away from those closest to you, in a secluded, perhaps even abandoned, place. Talking to them on the phone may have been nice, but it wasn't the same as being with them. It's a bad analogy, but it makes sense. As the Apostle Paul said, there is nothing better than being face to face (1 Corinthians 13:12). Could Jesus have experienced a “homesickness” for the presence of his Father far more profound and painful than anything we have experienced.
What to do?
In light of everything written above, I want to give some advice to all of us who are experiencing loneliness right now.
First , always remind yourself of the big story that you are a part of. Remind yourself daily of the truths found in Ephesians 1 and Romans 8: in Christ you have been adopted as sons and given an inheritance like the Son. You are called into communion with the Triune God: this should be a source of perfect joy for us ( John 17:13 )!
Remind yourself of Christ, teach yourself to rejoice in the Gospel every day. It was in him that God's whole plan was revealed - and who are we to get bored and yawn at the mention of the Good News and look for another source of satisfaction?
Grow in admiration for this Creator and Savior and all that He has done, is doing now, and will do for His children in the future.
This means continually abiding and growing in His word. Read, memorize, reflect on it. Study it, share it. Make it your bread!
Secondly , open your eyes: our loneliness is often justified by the fact that we are fixated on some person or group of people and want to become part of their community... while next to us there are people who are ready to accept us, who we need, and who need us. What are we looking for?
Thirdly , remember that every person around you is made from the same cloth. Everyone has experienced loneliness, no matter how beautiful their Instagram photos look. And for every person, real relationships mean work and effort!
Be a friend yourself ( Prov. 18:24 ) - to people from different generations, with different experiences. Open your home to the lonely. Be strange: you don't need a big house and a lot of food for this. A hospitable person notices people, sees their needs, and is ready to accept everyone as one of his own. Matt Chandler says: there are two types of people: those who go through life with the attitude: “Here I am!”, and those who throughout their lives say: “Here you are!” How are you Who are you?" Look for ways to serve people. Learn to ask questions and be interested in people.
Lydia Brownback, quoting a verse from John. 12:24 of the grain that fell to the ground and did not die, he says: it remains alone. This is the biblical principle of how to find happiness and satisfaction, and it is to die to yourself, to forget about yourself. Only by forgetting about oneself can a person find himself and can find true satisfaction.
This principle goes against what the world advises us and what is natural to our “I”: from everywhere we are encouraged to live for ourselves and look for the source in ourselves. But this is the secret of walking with God: He calls us to places where His thoughts are different from ours, and His plan—including how our souls function—is greater than our plans ( Isa. 55:8,9 ). and He provides everything necessary for His will to be done.
Alone in the world
Now imagine what life in this world was like for him. Jesus was without sin (Hebrews 4:15). We may think this is a nice problem to have. I doubt it was just pleasant. I suspect this tormented him. If Lot experienced daily torment while living in Sodom because of the "lawless works which he saw and heard" (2 Peter 2:8), how much worse was it for the sinless Jesus, constantly surrounded by sinners and demonic forces?
And imagine what Jesus' childhood must have been like. Do you remember what it was like to want friends? Jesus was truly human and would also want human friendship. But without the sinful nature that everyone else had, and with the divine nature that no one else had, he would have been a very strange man. Holiness causes sinners to flee. Jesus would have been morally tough as a sore thumb, never understood, often despised and rejected, even within his own family.
White sheep family
His parents knew who He was and loved him very much. But even they would not understand it completely. Could they? Nor would they be able to protect him from the snarky remarks of others or the cruel mockery of his eccentricities.
I wonder how many of them came from his close siblings. His siblings (Matthew 13:55–56) became increasingly self-conscious around him as they aged, becoming aware of their own sinful, narcissistic motives and behavior, while noting that Jesus seemed to show no signs of himself. And they could not help but notice the unique attitude of their parents towards him. What grievances have grown among the siblings? We know that not all was harmonious because Jesus' own brothers did not believe in Him (John 7:5), perhaps not until after his resurrection (Acts 1:14).
“No one experienced or understood loneliness like Jesus.”
Jesus was a sinless man living with sinful parents, sinful brothers and sisters, sinful distant relatives, sinful neighbors, sinful countrymen, sinful foreigners and sinful disciples, not to mention sinful spiritual entities about which he would have an unprecedented understanding and sensitivity. No one on earth could fully identify with Him. Not one person could hug Him as He sat there crying and say, “I know exactly what you’re going through.” Jesus' experience of rejection and sadness would have begun as soon as he was old enough to understand and communicate.
And it seems to us that we are tired. How did He bear it? What it meant to him to sing psalms like: “My soul is very troubled. But, Lord, how long?"?
Lonely but united
The fact that today many people are fatally alone with that painful and evil loneliness from which they go crazy, commit suicide and die is not an illusion. The world is aging and one way or another approaching its end - close or not - and it is natural that this movement is filled with all those processes that the Lord warns about in the Gospel: both the diminution of faith and the impoverishment of love. Our time is characterized not just by the flourishing of pride, but by a downright painful falling in love of people with themselves. And the more a person loves himself, the more lonely he is. The reluctance to notice anyone around is the implementation of Satan’s prayer in a person’s life, one might say so. We remember the so-called high priestly prayer of Christ the Savior, in which He says: Father (...) may they all be one (John 17:21 ). The will of God is that the people He created, lonely by nature, should nevertheless be united in love, in their faith in Him, and form a single whole - the Church. But we know that Satan asked the authorities to sow these people, created for unity, like wheat (see: Luke 22 , 31), that is, to scatter us in different directions, so that we would not remain with each other in Christ’s love. Therefore, the one who rejects himself from unity fulfills precisely this request and, of course, falls into a very evil, disastrous state.
Why does the prayer that the Lord gives us begin with the words “Our Father”? Many interpreters have paid attention to this - namely “ours”. Not “mine” only - no, ours. We are Family. Only through this understanding, this feeling does a person take the path of salvation, but as long as “mine”, “mine”, “me”, “me”, he remains outside the path of salvation.
Photos from open Internet sources
Newspaper "Orthodox Faith" No. 9 (533)
The loneliest moment in history
But all this was a harbinger. It was the greatest moment of loneliness, as dark and deep as only Jesus had ever experienced. He was on the cross the moment He became sin for us (2 Corinthians 5:21). In that unfathomably terrible, unfathomably lonely moment, he felt abandoned by his Father (Matthew 27:46) and by everyone he loved. He was devastated physically and spiritually "beyond the likeness of man" (Isaiah 52:14). Having spent his earthly life alienated by his sinlessness, Jesus was now alienated by the sin he willingly bore—our sin.
No one experienced or understood the depths of loneliness like Jesus.
The end of all loneliness
But he can understand your loneliness. He can sympathize with this weakness more than you think (Hebrews 4:15).
Jesus doesn't just understand your loneliness; he destroys it. Because he bore the sin that alienated and separated you from God and died for you, you are no longer strangers, but you are fellow citizens with all the saints and a member of God's family (Ephesians 2:19).
"Jesus may have been the loneliest man in history."
Loneliness, like any other form of suffering, passes for those who love God. What lies ahead is fellowship with God and all His redeemed saints forever. The day is approaching when you will know Him (1 Corinthians 13:12).
So, “come confidently to the throne of grace, that you may receive mercy and find grace to help” in all your single needs (Hebrews 4:16). And be a saint who helps others experience a foretaste of Heaven by spreading the excellent love of Jesus.
Have you felt at times in your life that you were alone? I do. And I really want to be with others and feel the warmth of communication. This feeling describes the emotion of loneliness. Other words people use to describe loneliness include feeling empty, isolated, being labeled an outcast or left out. You may feel lonely when you are physically alone, and you may also feel lonely in the presence of others. Loneliness is a reflection of whether you feel connected to others.
God is a God of relationships and community. This is evident in His very nature. He is the Trinity - three in one; God the Father, God the Son, God the Holy Spirit. In the opening chapters of the Bible, God established that “it was not good for the man [Adam] to be alone...” (Genesis 2:18a). What is His decision? God said, “…let us make him a help suitable for him” (Genesis 2:18b). He brought Eve to Adam and they “became one flesh” (Genesis 2:24b). We are created to communicate with God and with each other. Perhaps this is why loneliness affects us.
The Bible has a lot to say about the feeling of loneliness and its opposite, the feeling of connection. But before we get to that, let's take a closer look at loneliness and how it affects us.
Body of Christ.
The body of Christ is the best antidote to loneliness. All those who follow Christ and are baptized by His Spirit are the Body of Christ. In this Body we become one, despite all our differences. We receive fellowship in the Spirit even when we are alone. We have the same thoughts, the same spirit, the same intentions and the same goal. As you commit yourself to building up the Body of Christ through personal faithfulness, God will ensure that you find your place and service in Him.
Rom. 12:5
“So we, who are many, are one body in Christ, and individually members of one another.”
1 Corinth. 12:12
“For just as the body is one and has many members, and all the members of one body, although they are many, are one body, so is Christ.”
1 Corinth. 12:26
“Therefore, if one member suffers, all the members suffer with it; If one member is glorified, all members rejoice with him.”
Ephesus 2:19-22
“Therefore you are no longer strangers and strangers, but fellow citizens with the saints and members of God’s household, having been built on the foundation of the apostles and prophets, Jesus Christ Himself being the chief cornerstone, in whom the whole building, being fitted together, grows into a holy temple in the Lord, in which you are being built into a habitation of God by the Spirit.”
Ephesus 4:11-13
“And He appointed some to be apostles, some to be prophets, some to be evangelists, some to be shepherds and teachers, for the equipping of the saints for the work of ministry, for the edifying of the body of Christ, until we all come into the unity of the faith and of the knowledge of the Son of God, to a perfect man, to the measure of full stature. Christ.”
With God on our side and His Spirit guiding us, we can navigate the waters of loneliness and achieve the peace and quiet that comes when we give up all attempts to satisfy our human desires and surrender ourselves entirely to God.
Signs of loneliness
It may be clear to you that you feel lonely—you long to feel connected to others, even if you are pushed away. But what if it's not obvious?
Depending on the situation, signs of underlying loneliness may include the following:
- Feeling bored and/or overly tired
- Feeling helpless and threatened
- I don't sleep well
- Physical weakness
Although it can be lonely from time to time, continued loneliness causes stress, so much so that it affects daily life. The person may feel tired, sluggish, and less mentally alert. He or she may experience stomach and digestive problems, as well as other diseases and illnesses. Recent studies found that loneliness was associated with a risk of premature death that was equivalent to smoking 15 cigarettes a day, and that it was more deadly than obesity. In contrast, people who reported having more social connections were associated with a 50% reduced risk of early death.
Because people who experience persistent loneliness do not feel well, they often engage in deviant behavior or take substances that make them temporarily feel better, numbing the pain. The danger is that many of these substances and behaviors lead to bad habits. Common addictions include alcohol, drugs, tobacco, gluttony, deification of sports, endless consumption of information (including television, Internet and smartphone use), sex, shopping and workaholism. Research has shown that nearly half of Americans are addicted to one or more substances or behaviors that have serious negative consequences for their health. (I think about the CIS countries and there is nothing to say. Where, according to statistics, there is more alcohol consumption.)
Boredom and depression often result from loneliness. Feelings of boredom and loneliness are closely related. In both cases, you feel disconnected from hobbies (boredom) and/or people (loneliness). Depression, although severe, often follows and is accompanied by loneliness, as a depressed person often withdraws from socializing with others.
We are complete in Christ
Loneliness is a part of the life of each of us. We cannot be self-sufficient - this is God's place. But in Christ we have fullness and this fullness we are called to enjoy and share. Let loneliness not be our enemy, but let it push us to greater enjoyment of communication with the triune God, and to love for the people around us - sacrificial, warm, friendly and tender.
- 5
Maya Johnson
Disciple of Christ, pastor's wife, mother of four children, Bible teacher at the local church.
Examples of Loneliness in the Bible
Believers also face the pain of loneliness. David was well acquainted with this, and his cries to God are recorded in the Psalms. As you read the Psalms, you will see David's longing for God and his need for a relationship with Him:
“Turn to me and be merciful, because I am lonely and exhausted. The sorrows of my heart have multiplied - save me from my trouble. Look at my grief and torment and forgive all my sins. Look how many of my enemies, with what fierce hatred they hate me! Save my life and deliver me, save me from shame, for I have found refuge in You. Let integrity and righteousness protect me, for I trust in You.” (Psalm 24 – Psalter – Bible)
God's prophets often felt the pain of rejection and loneliness. Look at the prophet Jeremiah. The Lord told Jeremiah not to marry. He had few friends. Scholars call Jeremiah the “weeping prophet.” God called him to speak out against the sinfulness of Judah and warn of impending judgment if the Jewish people did not repent and change their ways. Jeremiah chapter 15 describes the prophet talking to God about his loneliness and endless pain and suffering. Despite his pain, Jeremiah trusted the Lord and followed God's call on his life.
Scripture tells us that Jesus experienced loneliness. On the cross He cried out, “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?” (Mark 15:34). And in Isaiah 53:3, a prophecy of Jesus, we read: “He was despised and rejected by mankind, a suffering man and familiar with pain. Like the one from whom people hide their faces, he was despised, but we respected him. Jesus can sympathize with the pain of loneliness because he experienced it.
What sins does God punish with loneliness?
St. Ephraim the Syrian:
“Why do you say: the fathers were bitter, but their teeth set the teeth on edge? This is not true. The soul that sins will die. A person who is also righteous. does not force a person, does not harm anyone. theft will not delight. will not make a profit. that one will not die. His father will insult him through sorrow and delight him with theft. and he will die in his iniquities.” Since the Jews said: “Our fathers sinned, and we bear their sins,” God says to them: “This is not true, because you are suffering punishment for your own sins, and everyone who has suffered a mark will have their teeth set on edge” (Ezek. 18). , 2, 4-5, 7-8, 18, 21).
Saint John Chrysostom:
Blazh. Theophylact Archbishop of Bulgaria:
Interpretation of the Gospel of John, compiled according to the ancient patristic interpretations of the Byzantine, 12th century, by the learned monk Euthymius Zigaben:
Fathers should not be punished with death for their children, and children should not be punished with death for their fathers; everyone must be punished with death for his crime. (Deut. 24:16)
Book of the Prophet Ezekiel Chapter 18:
Book of the prophet Jeremiah. Chapter 31:
29 In those days they will no longer say, “The fathers have eaten sour grapes, but the teeth of the children are set on edge,” 30 but everyone will die for his own iniquity; whoever eats sour grapes will have his teeth set on edge.
Without being responsible for the sins of their parents, children, however, can inherit their nature, damaged by one or another personal sin. God does not judge children for the sins of their parents, He is fair, and therefore He is especially merciful to such children. The Lord does not abandon anyone, and especially cares about those who cannot receive help from people, who are offended by people and deprived because of the sins of others.
Elder Paisiy Svyatogorets speaks about this:
Source: For what sins does God punish with loneliness Orthodox Faith https://www.verapravoslavnaya.ru/?Bog_ne_sudit_detei_za_vinu_roditelei
Scriptures on Loneliness
Throughout the Bible and throughout church history we see brotherhood demonstrated. David wrote: “How good and pleasant it is when God’s people live together in unity! … For there the Lord bestows His blessing, even life forever” (Psalm 133). Jesus assured His disciples, “For where two or more are gathered together in My name, there I am with them” (Matthew 18:20).
Speaking about the impact on a person's work and joy of life when we are not connected with others, King Solomon noted:
“Again I saw something meaningless under the sun: there was one man; he had neither a son nor a brother. There was no end to his work, but his eyes were not pleased with his wealth. “For whom am I working?” - he asked himself. “Why am I depriving myself of pleasure?” This is also pointless - a pitiful thing! Two are better than one because they have an advantage: if one of them falls, one can help the other up. But I feel sorry for anyone who falls and has no one to help. Also, if two people lie down together, they will stay warm. But how can you stay warm alone? While one can be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not so easily broken” (Ecclesiastes 4:7-12).
In Ephesians 4:25-27, Paul expressed the urgent need to restore broken relationships so that we are not alone and weak. Otherwise, by doing so we will give Satan a foothold to attack the Church. These and many other verses tell us that together we have great support and strength to resist temptations and idols so that we can continue to play our part in God's plan to advance His Kingdom.
When I felt lonely, I found that reading or listening to Scripture on one of the Bible apps was a source of comfort. Scripture is supernatural and can help anyone who feels lonely, including those who are lonely in marriage and those who experience loneliness and depression. As a foundation, God's Word reminds us that despite our loneliness telling us we are alone, as His beloved children, we are never alone. The following verses are a good place to start:
— Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will not fear evil, for You are with me (Psalm 22:4; I recommend reading the entire Psalm 23)
be strong and courageous, do not fear or be dismayed by them, for the Lord your God Himself will go with you [and] will not depart from you or forsake you. (Deut.31:6)
- Although my father and mother have abandoned me, the Lord will accept me (Psalm 27:10)
“For I am convinced that neither death nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor the present, nor the future, nor height, nor depth, nor anything else in creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord . (Rom.8:38,39)
- Cast all your worries on Him, because He cares about you (1 Peter 5:7)
“Sing to our God, sing praises to His name, exalt Him who walks in heaven; His name is Lord, and rejoice in His presence. God is the father of the orphans and the judge (defender) of widows in His holy habitation.” (Ps.67:5,6)
- Look what great love the Father has bestowed upon us, so that we can be called children of God! And that's what we are! (1 John 3:1a)
- Keep your life free from the love of money and be content with what you have, because God said: “I will never leave you; I'll never leave you. (Hebrews 13:5)
Conversations with the priest. Is loneliness a cross, a test or a sin?
Audio |
In the St. Petersburg studio of our TV channel, the chairman of the Coordination Center for Combating Drug Addiction and Alcoholism at the Diocesan Social Department, Archpriest Maxim Pletnev, answers questions from viewers.
(Some features of oral speech are preserved in the transcript) – The topic of today’s discussion: “Loneliness is a cross, a sin or a test?” Loneliness is, unfortunately, a very familiar concept for modern people. So familiar that probably a rare person has never encountered it. For some, loneliness is a reason to think, for others it is a reason to somehow diversify their life, but for others it really becomes a test so serious that a person cannot stand it and begins to fall into passions. Probably everyone, seeing a lonely person, sympathizes with him. Every day you come across people who need Christian help. How many of them are single people?
– You are absolutely right, of course there are many such people who need Christian love, it is important that this love reaches them. We work and try to help people suffering from alcohol, drugs, as well as a special disease called “codependency”; relatives of sick and suffering people have it.
We have the Favor program. Generally speaking, how does this relate to loneliness, then, of course, we come to a situation where many people who use substances are lonely people. Why? Firstly, loneliness often leads to this. But even if this were not so, as a result of the use of these substances and everything that is connected with it, life is destroyed in all its aspects: spiritual, psychological, and physical (the body is destroyed). And, of course, a person’s social, family, professional, and friendly connections are destroyed. He often finds himself alone with his misfortune and grief. This is true. I would immediately like to urge people not to despair, not to become despondent, but to seek help.
We hear this phrase: “Seek help.” But, unfortunately, not everyone can do this. I would say that we even need to cultivate this skill in ourselves. You need to be able to do this. Not every person is capable of this, oddly enough. It would seem that what is so difficult here? Ask for help. But we see that this does not always happen. We can even look at ourselves: we ourselves do not always ask for help when we feel bad. But this also helps overcome loneliness.
If I ask for help, then I am already crossing some border, and I am already destroying this barrier that separates me from the world. I encourage everyone not to be afraid to ask for help. You can come to us, to our organization, to our coordination center. We are implementing the Favor assistance program, our phone number: +7-911-170-54-04. This is a phone number for those who need help from psychologists and priests in a situation of addiction.
Let's return to loneliness. You asked at the very beginning: what is this cross, suffering? For me, loneliness is more of a challenge and a question. In fact, every person is lonely to one degree or another. And the issue of loneliness is an essential issue of our existence, like the issue of death and suffering. This is the question to which a person, willingly or unwillingly, seeks an answer throughout his life, and God forbid, if he finds it.
Of course, in the biggest and deepest sense, religion answers this question. Loneliness has a powerful potential, even a powerful positive, because it demands that the situation be corrected. And yet we see that man was created this way by the Lord from the beginning. This is a very interesting sign, to which we may not always attach special importance. We are divided into men and women. In Russian, we even denote gender with the word “half”. That is, it is not a whole being, but half. This puts us in advance in the situation that we come into this world needing someone. And this is wonderful, because the Lord originally created us this way: we need love. Must love and be loved. This is such a task.
“It’s not good for a person to be alone.”
- Yes Yes. This is a direct call to every person - to love and be loved. And, of course, loneliness can most definitely be overcome by love. How else can you overcome it? Love is directed in two directions: I am loved and I love. There is no other way to overcome loneliness. Loneliness cannot be overcome by the amount of communication, by the number of people with whom I spoke today, whom I saw, whose hands I shook. Unfortunately, in a huge metropolis we meet hundreds of people every day and can quite easily remain alone.
– Question from a TV viewer from the Moscow region: “A young man of twenty is studying at a prestigious university in his second year. Afraid of people. I diagnosed myself with social phobia. But this is a terrible thing. Doctors say that there is no cure for this, they keep fighting it out. Every time he comes from there he’s all on edge, he’s afraid of people. I reassure him that the Lord sees everything, so be patient. What to do? The guy is literate, but he’s afraid of people.”
– Unfortunately, we don’t know the person. I would suggest you seek help. It is very good that you contacted us, but we cannot help you here in the broadcast format. We listened to you literally for one minute, but it is impossible on the basis of this to create even some outlines to understand what is happening in your life and in the life of this young man. This is probably your son, as far as I understand.
I suggest looking for help. You can probably find this help in the Moscow region. There are Orthodox psychologists, there are wise and worthy priests. In Moscow there is a whole school of Orthodox Christian psychology. I would direct you on this path. Because it is not clear how spiritual this story is. I think not really. Usually in such situations there is some kind of underlying trauma. Maybe it's PTSD. We don't know what's going on.
It seems to me that when it’s so hard for a person, maybe he shouldn’t go ahead? If a person is having a hard time, he is not used to conflict situations, he does not need to go, for example, to work in law enforcement agencies, because there he will quite realistically have to catch someone, fight with someone, and so on, and the person does not like to do this, he does not have such an inner impulse. Or, conversely, if a person does not like to read and is not inclined towards scientific work, then, of course, he should not enter such universities where it is impossible to achieve success without serious immersion in the material, in the painstaking study of certain aspects of the subject. We need to go to some other area of life.
Therefore, perhaps, we should still try to figure out what is happening, and not insist that a person constantly overcome himself with a fight and communicate with other people with fear and horror. Maybe consider some kind of softer form of communication. You can look for similar communities, people who also somehow suffer from this. I think you need to continue to seek this help and, of course, strengthen yourself in the church. But there is probably some kind of psychological story here. We don’t know what exactly, but we need to figure it out.
– The TV viewer touched on a very important topic. In our modern society, because we want to seek some other spiritual pleasures, social communication can be very difficult. And in this case it turns out to be some kind of test. You can notice that many of our parishioners try to isolate themselves even in church, in order to be aloof and alone. In this case, I want to touch on the topic of loneliness in society, especially such an aspect as loneliness in church.
– Do you mean conscious loneliness?
- Yes.
– Often the conscious desire to achieve loneliness can also be from fear of other people, of some difficult life situation. This may not only be pride, as we sometimes think. Often manifestations of some kind of proud behavior are also a person’s fear, lack of self-confidence. A person tries to overcome uncertainty and thereby behaves loudly and defiantly.
On the one hand, we are saved together, as a community, but at the same time, everyone must still have a personal relationship with God. It’s good when a person has the opportunity to communicate with loved ones in the Christian world, but when this community, the closeness of believers among themselves, does not violate the boundaries of a person, when he does not end up in some kind of sect, where the entire rules of his life are strictly determined. It’s good when there is freedom, but at the same time there is unity.
And here freedom is not necessarily loneliness, not that I push everyone away. After all, loneliness directly calls us to search for those whom we can love and those who can love us. It is good when there is love in the Christian community. It is clear that we are weak people, and in the fullness of the ideal of Christian brotherly love, the love that Apostle Paul speaks of to the Corinthian Church (love is merciful, long-suffering, does not seek its own, does not rejoice in evil, but rejoices in the truth, and so on), we do not have.
This is great, beautiful, but we are not quite capable of this today. What are we capable of? For the simplest things. Be kinder. Firstly, they are able to think about it and set such a goal for themselves. Try to be kinder, just sympathize with other people.
I really like the word “regret”. Many people are somehow embarrassed and say that there is no need to feel sorry for them.
– There was a famous phrase that pity humiliates a person.
- Yes, but I don’t mind being pitied at least sometimes. It's absolutely great when people feel sorry for other people. This is wonderful. Strictly speaking, this is sympathy, mercy, empathy for another person. This is a very Russian word. There are many reasons why you should feel sorry for people and who you can sympathize with. There is a lot of grief and suffering in our lives. But there is the Lord, there is light, there is love and kindness between people.
– Question from a TV viewer from Moscow: “I once asked this question, but there was a vague answer. Nowadays young people never want to get married. If a woman cannot get married, then in order not to fall into fornication, she needs to take on this cross of loneliness and say: I will be alone. How to proceed? Is it better to remain alone without falling into fornication, or what to do?”
– They asked a question on a topic that I have been discussing in recent days. In the course of our work helping addicts, we decided to actively go to Instagram and start being active there. After all, a social network for non-profit organizations and religious projects provides an opportunity for advertising, seeking funding, allowing us to talk about ourselves, and find those people who need our help.
Because one of the problems of today is that people often fail to find valuable and necessary information due to its huge flow. This huge avalanche of information falls on a person, and he needs a little, but valuable, the one he needs...
On Instagram, a problem emerged for me that in our modern society the topic of a man and a woman living outside of marriage is accepted and is a social norm today. And this takes up a huge part of people’s lives, their thoughts, aspirations, conversations, conversations. This is called "relationship". Now there is such a word.
- “We are in a relationship.”
– Yes, and people live by it. At the same time, in the Church we seem to put this topic out of the equation altogether. This is fornication, we say, and we are cutting off a huge field of life for many, many people. We are not giving a moral assessment now. There is a very subtle point, and I would like to emphasize it. When the Church says that something is a sin, this does not mean that they are saying that this person is bad. For many it is the same thing. I say: after all, your relationship is not good, it is fornication. And people think that I am telling them: you are bad, lechers, fornicators. No, I'm talking about something else. Here it is very important to understand that a person is not bad, people are kind and good. When you communicate with people, you realize that all people are good. I haven't met bad people.
– You are a happy person.
– There are a lot of unhappy people, yes. But the bad ones - no, these are not bad people, but people who have truly experienced grief in this life. And the problem of these relations is now difficult and acute, especially for religious young people. Because they are trying to maintain purity before marriage, but the whole world around them seems to be crying out to the contrary. I think this is a feat: for a modern person to maintain purity not because he is forced to do it, he has no options, but because there are opportunities, but he consciously, for the sake of Christ, overcomes his flesh, all temptations and maintains purity until marriage.
This used to be the norm. A hundred years ago, in the twenties, the fire of outrages was already beginning to burn, these communist calls: down with shame. At first they also promoted the theme of debauchery. And before the revolution, premarital purity was the norm. How else? This was normal, other behavior was condemned and was not socially accepted. Today we live in a different world. Our society, unfortunately, is different. This transition took place when we left the Soviet system and moved into the current system. Because in the Soviet Union, after all, life outside marriage was officially condemned by the public.
When people come to confession, the priests tell them that fornication is bad and wrong, but how much do people hear this? To what extent can a modern person even hear this? This is problem. I tell people that fornication is bad, but people don't understand. Not because they do not understand the Russian language, but because we have a distance between the world of the Church and the world outside the Church. And in this matter this distance is clearly manifested. The person says: “Why is this bad if we love each other?” And there is no way to explain to him: the person does not understand, does not feel - everything is closed. How to overcome this?
This is not to condemn a person, he simply does not have a developed spiritual part that can sense the concept of sin. He may be ashamed if he steals his grandmother's pension. But in this matter he does not feel sin. And while he does not have an inner feeling, a feeling of fallenness, the fall, the depravity of this act, he cannot explain it. When will a person grow up to this? Previously, this was the norm, but now, in order to approach that norm of a hundred years ago, a person needs some kind of spiritual age, a certain spiritual development. Then he will understand what these words mean. In the meantime, for the bulk of our fellow citizens these words remain empty.
There is also this problem: as a result of the fact that I am registered on Instagram, I receive feedback that was not there before. People knew I existed, but they didn't talk to me. And now they say. About what? About the fact that they are often afraid of the priest: “You will come to the priest, some old man, and he will simply scold you, that’s why I don’t go to church.” People have some sins, people realize that the Church condemns this, and this becomes a barrier for them. People today are not ready to get out of sin, and as a result of this they do not go to church at all. And you would come, cross the threshold of the Church, take one step there, a second, a third - and in the future spiritual baggage would appear that would help you realize sin and fight it. But there is no such luggage at all, and it turns out to be a huge problem.
This question is very important, I really think about it. There is a separate problem with people who live for 15 years outside of marriage as a family, they have children. How should we feel about this? Today my attitude is this: I say that this is also fornication, but there is a huge difference. Casual relationships are one thing, but people live practically as families, have children, but outside of official marriage, and another thing. This problem is now being heard, we have such complexity, and there are canonical points in it. Before the revolution, marriage was registered by the Church: there was a wedding and state registration. After the revolution, God's blessing in the Church and state registration in the registry office diverged. This is not quite the same relationship as it was before. How do they relate to each other? Why is it a marriage in a church and a marriage in a registry office? Although there are different opinions on this matter. This is a new situation for Russia and for Christianity. Gradually, the Church will find the right answer, so as not to alienate people, and not to legalize sin, not to accept it as the norm.
We now see entire communities of Christians who introduce many sinful acts (defined in black and white in the Bible as sin) into the norm of Christian life. This is a tragedy. One of the tasks is not to indulge in sin; and at the same time show love to people. We need not to push people away, but to be open to them, so that they are not afraid of us, come to us and find love, and not just condemnation. First of all, I am talking about myself, and not about other priests. But people come to church for a reason: they come in pain, they feel bad. They are finally ready to come, but they do not have the spiritual baggage that would allow them to easily enter the temple. For them this is a whole event. They come, and sometimes I tell them something harsh, and they can leave.
– Question from a TV viewer: “How to survive loneliness and stop feeling like an unnecessary person?»
– Today we talked about love, that it manifests itself through deeds. This is a very important point, let’s repeat it again (again, I say this primarily for myself, because sometimes I also don’t do enough good deeds). We said that loneliness can be overcome by love, which can be directed in different directions: both from me and towards me. It's good when it comes in two streams. Accordingly, there must be some deeds, including deeds of good, to overcome your loneliness. I think there are people to whom we can, as we sometimes joke in the Church, “do good” because they need our attention and participation. We said that you need to be able to ask for help. And the main thing here is some openness, and this is fifty percent of the solution to the problem when I try to find those who can help me. It’s the same here: if you have inner openness to other people, then you can find communication, including in doing good.
– You touched on a very important topic today. I think it touches on another aspect of loneliness. We thought about sinfulness, about fornication, about the fact that our society offers exactly the model of behavior that leads to sin. A person who does not follow her lead accomplishes practically a feat in our time. But it turns out that this person becomes lonely if he does not sin, tries to run away from sin and does not behave like everyone else. In this case, his loneliness leads, perhaps, to the most important thing - union with God.
– We talked about this from the very beginning. Of course, loneliness acts as a question, as a challenge. And it is clear that the main answer to this question is the Lord God. There are monks (“monos” - “one”) - this is the ideal of loneliness in a positive format. Of course, the monk is not alone, he is with God. A person leaves people to be with God.
– We often hear such expressions: “I’m not a saint, I’m not a monk.”
– If we talk about Christianity, then these are my thoughts today (I don’t know how correct they are, but I’m ready to share them with you). In the late 80s - early 90s, many believers came to the Church (including me). We can say that modern church life is based precisely on these people. We were young, we came to the Church, and it was a rebellion against the world in which we lived then. It seems to me that Christianity is always a rebellion, always in some sense a rebellion against the spirit of this time. Unfortunately, for modern children the Church is a given, something old (even though only thirty years have passed since you can freely believe without any restrictions), but for us the Church was a discovery, we broke through there. And modern children do not realize that real religiosity is a rebellion, it is a protest in a good sense, it is an uprising. Of course, both young and old people who are trying to be a real Christian fight. This is a battle, a spiritual rebellion against the destruction of this world, against evil and sin. In this uprising, a person may not be supported by other people, but they may be supported - there are like-minded people, they can be found.
And the Lord is with us: where two or three are gathered in My name, there I am in the midst of them. Thank God, God is with us, so everything is not so sad. Of course, there are many questions. It has always been difficult for modern youth, but especially today, because there are many temptations and difficulties. It’s not easy to be a Christian, but it’s so great... My priests and I sometimes in the church altar, when we take communion, we say the same phrase: “How great! How poor are the people who don't know this? How can they even live without this grace-filled joy, without church life?” Being a Christian is a feat, a struggle, but it is so joyful that we Christians do not understand why and how to live if this does not happen. It is impossible to live only in the world, only in material existence. Thank God that the Lord has revealed himself to us, that we know Him. We have been given this treasure, the gift of God - the knowledge of God, the knowledge that He exists, and the desire to receive this truth in full.
– You can’t exchange the joy in church during prayer for anything, because it is impossible to find the strength in yourself that would drive you out of the Church.
Question from a viewer: “In 1986, I had such a story. In search of a job, I ended up at the so-called Scientology Center. At that time, no one had any idea that it was a sect. I quickly figured it out and ran away from there. And for thirty years, I have received letters twice a week in which Scientologists invite me to their events. I don’t answer them, because I am an Orthodox Christian, I have been going to church since childhood.
I would like to change my society in my life: I work at a construction site, the guys there don’t mind swearing. I played a lot of sports, and the guys there were also far from the Church. My attempts to come to the parish always ended in failure and rejection. For example, I tried to get a job in an Orthodox organization, and it got ridiculous: I called asking if I could get a job with them, and they asked me: “Are you cohabiting with someone ?” “Well, how can you answer such a question over the phone to a stranger ? With all this, they show on TV that the Church performs missionary functions in other countries, but in our country it is almost impossible to simply come to Church and be in church society. For example, I started participating in community cleanups, in cleaning up the area in Sokolniki. I came three times, waved the rake, they took it from me, that’s all. Such situation".
– I don’t know Moscow churches and parishes very well, but the ones I know are wonderful communities, where you can find self-realization. But this is also always difficult. How can a person enter the community? Our church has developed a good relationship with the Church of St. Nicholas the Wonderworker on Three Mountains in Moscow (rector Father Dmitry Roshchin). There is a wonderful parish, a good and open community, and all the priests are amazing. I send there those of our parishioners who, for one reason or another, leave for Moscow. Dear brother from Moscow, I am sending you there too: go to Father Dmitry. Of course, there is a large community there, so they won’t immediately give you attention and they won’t send you letters twice a week. This is not the case in Orthodoxy.
We have a missionary society, Atrium, which preaches among Protestants and charismatics. One girl who, through Atrium, came out of Protestantism and found the true Orthodox faith, said: “You come to the Protestants - everyone hugs you, smiles affectionately...” And then, while she was driving with her parents on vacation to Crimea, she read a book by some then an Orthodox missionary, which I learned about from the Internet (someone wrote in chats so that they would read it). And when she arrived in Crimea, she realized that she could no longer be a Protestant - this book changed her ideas about faith. But she didn’t understand how to get into the Orthodox Church. She came to the temple and told the priest about this. Then she came to St. Petersburg, came to the Protestants, but she saw that everything was not the same: some kind of very naive and shallow Christian life. And so she ended up in the Atrium, came to a meeting just for such people, and there no one really bothered her, no one hugged her with the words: “Finally, thank God that you came to us! Now we will tell you everything.” No, there is a normal Christian conversation, the Gospel is being discussed, everything is in a very calm format. She continued walking and became one of the active participants in this movement.
Therefore, do not be afraid if there is no warmth or return right away. Moreover, in Russia people are not always wide open: we are more restrained in emotions, especially in close relationships. Not everyone can let another person into their life. I think you will find a good parish. Try it, it’s okay that it didn’t work out. There are so many temples in Moscow, you can find a temple that suits you. You can even find a temple for athletes. Surely there are priests who are actively involved in sports.
– I remembered the Church of the Life-Giving Trinity and Father Alexei Uminsky, who greets everyone with a kind smile.
– This is also a wonderful temple, a wonderful community.
– I would like to summarize. Loneliness can still be very useful for a person, but it can also be very destructive. But the most important thing is: when loneliness is to our benefit, and when to its detriment? ?
– It seems to me that loneliness always exists in a person’s life. When is it useful? Today we talked about the same thing: if loneliness leads us to love, then everything is for the good. We can turn any difficult situation into a good one. It turns out that there is no such thing as bad loneliness, because it can also be used for good...
-...a believer.
- Certainly. And all things are possible with the Lord.
Dear brothers, once again I appeal to addicts and their relatives. If you have problems: there is an alcoholic or drug addict in your family, or you yourself are experiencing problems with drug use, contact the Favor organization. Our phone: 8-911-170-54-04. Call us and we will try to help you.
Presenter Gleb Ilinsky
Recorded by Elena Kuzoro and Margarita Popova
