On April 2, a new episode of the YouTube show “Most Needed” was released, dedicated to the problem of suicide. His heroes are psychiatrist Elena Vrono and senior researcher named after Serbsky, psychologist Ksenia Syrokvashina. Together with the presenters of the show, they figured out how difficult the situation in Russia is in this regard and what can be done to reduce the number of suicides in the country.
“Such cases” are
a large reminder about what every person can do
to ensure that there are fewer such tragedies.
Encryptions from the other world
Maisie Kazen-Streek.
Photo from dailymail.co.uk In early August, a 16-year-old English girl, Maisie Kazen-Streek, committed suicide. The mother, a teacher, did not even notice that her daughter was deeply depressed. She also did not notice the second meaning of the cardboard signs that hung in her daughter’s room, as well as themselves. You never know what you might find in a teenager’s room! Meanwhile, these notes were not simple, encrypted: “Everything is fine!” - Maisie wrote intricate letters. And if you turned the sign over, it read “Help me!” It's easy to read now, but it's too late.
Requests for help Write your story Help! I feel like I'm going crazy! I can't handle this pain. How to cope with the suicide of a loved one? And only I am to blame for this. I know... Only me. Help me! Now I want only one thing - to know that he is not suffering. I don't need anything else in this life. I love him very much. I spend hours looking at his photographs. And I feel like a killer! I killed the person I loved. And you know, I don’t care about my life, about this sin. All my thoughts are only about him... I can’t find a place for myself... Everywhere is empty for me. Life has no meaning anymore. Why am I living??? Nothing good will happen anymore... It won't be so good anymore! And I don’t want anything else!! I want to die... If he could do it, can I too? And who knows, maybe we will be together? It doesn’t matter where, even in hell! If only with him!
Lika, age: 22/11/16/2008
Responses:
Lika, this is not true, it’s not your fault, he made this decision himself. Now the despair is speaking in you, it will pass, be patient. You are already together, he lives in your heart and memories. Don't do anything stupid, you are strong. And if bad thoughts come, cross yourself and ask the Mother of God for help.
Olya, age: 25 / 11/16/2008
Eh, Lika... you're really going crazy! Especially when you say that the cause of your loved one’s death is you. YOU TAKE A LOT ON YOURSELF. You give yourself too much importance and meaning in this world, about which you still know so little! Your boyfriend has already decided everything for himself. And you? There is already one corpse. Do you want to top up this devilish account?
Sasha, age: 48 / 11/16/2008
Yes, you’re really going crazy; you can’t be together anymore. Each person makes his own decisions in his life and no one is to blame for these decisions, only the one who made it, and don’t develop feelings of guilt and drive away
Wanderer, age: 26 years / 11/16/2008
Lika, darling! Why are you sure that as you write: “And only I am to blame for this. I know... Only me. "? Lika, darling! Now you have to live for two! Do good for two, do mercy! Both for yourself and for your loved one! If you really want to help his soul, then pray for him, help people. This is not an easy matter, so it is better to consult an experienced priest about this. Dear Lika!!! Hold on! And do not be influenced by unfounded thoughts! Go to church, ask for God’s help and it will come! Trust in God’s mercy, which is limitless! Ask God for mercy!!! “Ask and it will be given to you, seek and you will find, knock and it will be opened to you, for everyone who asks receives, and he who seeks finds, and to him who knocks it will be opened.” (Gospel of Matthew 7:7-8) And know that with God all things are possible! Since Our Lord Jesus Christ Himself taught: “Whatever you ask in prayer, believe that you receive it, and it will be done for you.” (Gospel of Mark 11:24), the main thing is to believe, with sincere, living faith (and as it is said in the Holy Scripture: “Faith without works is dead”), and if you feel that you are weak in faith, ask God to strengthen you in it! Hang in there, dear Lika! And please write to us!!!
Vladislav K., age: 19/11/17/2008
My dear Lika, forgive me, but you are talking real nonsense. Each person has OWN life, OWN relationship with God and OWN responsibility for themselves. Your beloved did a terrible thing, but he did it HIMSELF. I’ll tell you a terrible thing now, but you try to understand it and forgive me. Your lover did not love you. Proof? It's in front of you. He didn’t think about how hard and scary it would be for you after his death, and if he did, so much the worse, because it didn’t stop him. A loving person would endure everything, but would not inflict such a terrible wound on his beloved being. He loved and pitied only himself, so he did not want to endure the trials that befell him. All suicides are based on either severe mental illness or terrible selfishness and pride. In both cases, it is not your fault. Your feelings of guilt have a simple explanation. All normal people experience it when a loved one passes away. Even if this is a 90-year-old woman who lived a full life, surrounded by the love of children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren, and died quietly in her sleep. And this is normal, because relatives, of course, always have some kind of guilt, and so time after death is given to them to ask the deceased for forgiveness, to pray for him, to remember him in the Church. Then this feeling of guilt passes and only love and quiet memories remain. Your sense of guilt is exaggerated by the shock and horror of how terribly your loved one left. But he left HIMSELF and left in a criminal manner - he threw the most precious gift of life in God’s face. And he didn’t think about what it would be like for you and all his loved ones. It was his choice, his decision, his action. Man has been given the great gift of freedom, given a choice, but also responsibility for this choice. He chose HIMSELF. You need to turn completely to God and ask Him to help you get through what happened. And pray for the unfortunate suicide. The Church does not pray for such people, but allows private prayers. So pray. This is almost the only thing you can do for him now. The second is alms for him. Help the poor, help the orphans, help the sick and suffering in his name. Let your grief be active, bear fruit - and very possibly bring some relief to the unfortunate suicide. And if you continue to go crazy and do stupid things, you will only worsen his already great sin. You don’t want God to tell him, “Look what you did to the poor girl! Why didn’t you think about her?” Pull yourself together, dear, and live YOUR life. You have only one, and you are responsible for it. And I really, really ask you - go to Church, go to God, ask for help from the Mother of God!
Seraphim, age: 68 / 11/17/2008
Hello, Lika! I don’t want to upset you, but if your loved one committed suicide, then most likely he is suffering now. But you can pray for him, even if not in church, but at home, ask the Lord to have mercy on your loved one. And if a feeling of guilt weighs on your soul, then it is better to go to church for confession and tell the priest about everything. You will still be happy if you do not need another man except the one who was your beloved, you can never get married, take a child from an orphanage to raise and take care of him as if he were your own. Or go to a monastery and devote your whole life to prayer. But you don’t need to kill yourself, think about it, if you die now, who will keep the memory of your loved one and pray for his possible pardon. I believe that you will overcome your grief and find new joys. God bless you!
ByshaA, age: 19/11/17/2008
Hello, namesake! It’s not easy for you now, however.((It won’t always be like this. Now you see and feel nothing except pain and emptiness. And you also blame yourself for something. For some words that you said to him, and now you remember some... then actions. Don't. We are all to blame for something in front of each other - and we are before the departed, and they are before us. “If he could do it, so can I?” Wrong words, very wrong. Tell yourself in a different way: “He I COULD NOT live, but I CAN. Even after him." And as for where you will end up and whether you will be with him - how can you know for sure that you will not miss in your calculations? You are 22. And time heals - that’s true. And in Your life will again have meaning, joy, and many other good things.For now, your task is to endure.
Lika, age: 34 / 11/17/2008
Lika, Vladislav, Olya, Sasha and Stranitsa are right: what makes you think that you are to blame for what happened?! Never - except in cases of mockery, intentional - are others to blame for the death of a person. Understand, in addition to his life with you, he had his own, and he has always been and remains an independent, autonomous person. And the decision on how to manage life, in the end, is always the personal will of each individual person, his relationship with God, the structure of the psyche. Don't look for the guilty, don't torment yourself - live! It's natural to grieve. With your life you are helping him! By doing good to others, treating them mercifully, striving to grow spiritually, keeping a good memory of him - you make his fate easier. Hell is only in pictures - a picturesque deserted place with beautifully burning flames. And with your rashness you can only double your pain and cut off the path to salvation. Don’t forget, we have Eternity ahead of us, but here, in fact, there is not that much time. And you have to get used to living and really giving your all here. Help yourself and him - live!
Natalia, age: 19/11/17/2008
Lika! I don't know the reason why your loved one passed away. But for some reason it seems to me that you have nothing to do with it. I ask you, do not commit actions that cannot be corrected. I can lie if I say that you will feel better soon and time heals everything. A few years ago I found myself in a similar situation. A close friend of mine committed suicide when one person took away his dreams. Two years have passed, but the pain has not gone away. At first I felt very bad. I wanted to first take revenge and then commit suicide. I barely managed to stay on the edge of the abyss. Look around you, there are probably people in your life who care about you. This may seem like strange advice to you, but think about how your departure will affect them. Lika, I ask you to understand that each person decides for himself when and how to die. Your boyfriend made the decision to die on his own and you cannot be held responsible for it. I don't know if my letter will help you or not. But I hope you understand that there are people in this world who care about you. If you want to talk, write to ———————————— Rule No. 3 of our website (https://www.pobedish.ru/main/rules) does not allow you to leave personal contacts in responses, if you want to communicate, please , register, welcome to our forum and communicate in good health. Best regards, moderator.
JJ, age: 22/11/18/2008
Really, Lika, come to the forum. It's so simple - the FORUM button is at the top right. And you won't be alone!
Agnia Lvovna, age: 68 / 11/19/2008
Lika. I understand you perfectly. My husband committed suicide a year ago. All this year there wasn’t a day that I didn’t think about him, I’ve stopped noticing when I start to cry. But no matter how bad I feel without him, I will never commit suicide. Hold on. In fact, time heals.
Mur-meow, age: 25 / 02/16/2009
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Signs of a real threat
Maisie's note.
“Help me!” Photo from dailymail.co.uk People contemplating suicide often send signs before committing suicide.
Being able to recognize them is the most important thing and the first thing if you want to save someone's life. These signs can be loud and clear or hidden and barely audible. Signs that, upon noticing, loved ones should be alarmed: - Preoccupation with the topic of death and dying. Writing poems and stories on this topic, drawing corresponding pictures; — Unexpected changes in behavior and character; - Recent loss of a loved one (breakup with a loved one) or the threat of such a loss; — Unconditional preparation for death (for example, drawing up a will, distributing valuables); — Failed suicide attempt; — Previously uncharacteristic impulsiveness and desire for risk; - Loss of interest in one’s own appearance; — Increased use of drugs or alcohol; — A gloomy and hopeless view of the future. According to the latest scientific research, this is one of the most dangerous signs of impending suicide. - Talking about killing yourself or hurting yourself; - Phrases like “it would be better for me not to be born”, “it would be better for me to die”... - Search for objects that can be used to take one’s life (knives, pills); - Talking about the unbearability of life, loss of interest in everyday everyday affairs; - Changes in sleep and eating patterns; - Feelings of being trapped (“There is no way out”) - Self-hatred, a tendency to self-blame, the feeling that he is only disturbing others with his presence in this world; — Unexpected calls or visits to relatives and friends; - Withdrawal from friends and family, desire to be alone; - An unexpected feeling of calm that replaced depression and irritability.
How to protect a person from suicide? — Advice from a psychologist
Often, grief can be aggravated by the circumstances of the death of the deceased, due to which the process of psychological recovery of loved ones can be delayed. One of these aggravating factors is the death of a loved one of their own free will, i.e. suicide. On the forum we provide assistance to people who have experienced such loss. But the question naturally arises: how can suicidal action be prevented? What can we say to a person who is on the path to making this terrible decision? Firstly, it is important to remember: loved ones and relatives are quite capable of providing “first aid” and they should not remain idle .
When should you sound the alarm?
It is very important to trust your intuition. If you feel suicidal tendencies in a loved one, then you should not suppress this anxiety in yourself, you should not ignore warning signs - “keys”.
The following may indicate a serious risk of suicide:
- direct statements: “I am thinking about suicide” or “It would be better to die” or “I don’t want to live anymore.”
- indirect statements appear in the speech, for example, “You won’t have to worry about me anymore” or “I’m tired of everything” or “They will regret it when I leave”, in other words, a hint of death or jokes about this.
- a meaningful farewell to other people.
- a person experiences a feeling of guilt, a feeling of worthlessness and, as a result, suffers from low self-esteem.
- statements about a specific suicide plan, thought out in detail and he/she has everything it takes to implement this plan.
- a person prepared for death: he paid off debts, gave away things dear to him, made a will, disposed of property, visited friends and relatives, wrote a suicide note, etc.
- persistently demands that he/she be left alone, which causes irritation on the part of loved ones.
— there is a lack of vital activity, lethargy and apathy, inability to concentrate and make decisions, confusion.
- there is a desire to isolate yourself from family and loved ones, withdraws from normal social activities, and there is a loss of interest in hobbies, sports, work or school.
- there is a desire for risky actions, for example, reckless driving.
- there is an increase in alcohol or drug use.
- the rules of personal hygiene and grooming are not followed.
- the person has had suicidal attempts in the past.
In no case should you give encouraging advice (“Get ready”, “Pull yourself together”), since a person in a suicidal state is not able to follow them, his will is affected by despondency and despair, which makes him feel even more insignificant. Advice of this kind, on the contrary, can push one to commit suicide.
There are phrases that can cause you to immediately lose contact with a person who is suicidal, for example, “If I were you...”, “All you need now is a good night’s sleep.” These phrases cause irritation in the suicidal person, and indignation that too simple solutions are offered for his problem. It’s as if we are telling a person: “We won’t understand your pain, let’s just close our eyes to it,” expressing our indifference. What could be more unpleasant for a suicide?
There is no point in making provocative statements, “I don’t believe that you will do this,” “only fools do this,” “you will never do this anyway.” Such phrases will only encourage suicide.
In the conversation, it is important to indicate that you do not want his death, in particular suicide.
What help can be provided before contacting a specialist?
Maintain contact with the person. Try to find out if he has a specific plan of action. A concrete plan is a sign of real danger. Help the person understand that severe stress makes it difficult to objectively assess the situation, and that feeling of hopelessness that is oppressive now will not last forever. Unobtrusively advise finding alternative solutions; it is important to show the person that there are usually several ways out. Often a potential suicide “monitors” his life, looking for at least one person who cares about his life. It is important for him not only to hear that he is needed in this world, loved and dear, but also to see real actions. No special feat is required from loved ones here, just be there during a crisis, even just physically. Find time to come and take a walk together. Help find resources that could help reduce the stress they are experiencing. Whenever possible, act in such a way as to slightly reduce the pressure.
Find out whether the person is receiving treatment from a specialist. This information is very important, because if a patient with depression has started taking antidepressants, but is not in a hospital, those around him should be very careful: the start of drug therapy can provoke suicide, since motor retardation is relieved, but vital melancholy remains. That is, the state of mind is still poor, but the strength for decisive action has appeared.
When asking a person if they are suicidal, don't be afraid that you might be "giving them the idea." The possibility of such suggestion is a delusion. Discuss planned suicide without fear. The very opportunity to talk about your intentions reduces the anxiety of a potential suicide. Be prepared to discuss in as much detail as possible exactly how a person wants to commit suicide: method, goals, what will happen next (funeral, reaction of others, will, etc.). Sometimes just replaying a situation in your mind and speaking it out is enough to stop you. When listening to a person, you should carefully make adjustments to maladaptive attitudes: “everyone will be better off if I die” or, conversely, “he (s) will suffer for the rest of his life after this.” It is important to calmly, without intimidation, together with the suicidal person, trace the consequences of the planned action: his loved ones will suffer; Many people, after attempting suicide, remain disabled or develop health problems. Talk about prospects in life and possible futures.
Discuss the reason for the planned suicide. Recognize the person’s feelings and give him the right to them. There is no need to say “you must forget, because so much time has passed”, “you have no right to be angry”, “you must cope with yourself”. These instructional phrases can only push the suicidal person away from you, and therefore further dialogue will be difficult. Speaking about feelings, try to show the person that you don’t just hear him, but listen carefully: “I understand that since you don’t want to live, then you probably feel very bad.” If you are not sure that you understand it, then do not pretend, but ask clarifying questions: “it seems to me that you...”, “I understand correctly that...”, “I hear it as if you...”, etc. .
Show basic human concern : feed them, take them to a cafe, offer to do something that this person loves, walk down the street, etc. Sometimes a minimal reduction in discomfort, a minimal shift in balance in a good direction is enough to “swim out”. Don't be afraid to share your own experiences, your own thoughts. An intimate conversation on equal terms is always better than “lecturing”, parental monologues about what is right and what is wrong.
It is obvious that life itself is the value for which it is worth living. But such a belief is quite difficult to form, especially in an adult suffering from despondency and depression. The best way to instill love for life is your own example. Your positive attitude will certainly be passed on to your neighbor and will help him cope with the difficulties that inevitably arise. Finally, if possible, help the person get professional help. We must remember that to prevent suicidal action, a person needs specialized help: psychotherapy or drug treatment, for which one should turn to professionals.
Emelyanova Tatyana Valerievna, candidate of biological sciences, psychologist, supervisor, associate professor of the department of pedagogy and childhood psychology of Northern Federal University, Arkhangelsk
© 2021 NO DEATH!
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Just ask: “Do you want to commit suicide?”
Photo from medicaldaily.com
Very often, having noticed alarming signs, people are afraid to speak. What if you're wrong? What if he gets angry? What if you just push him?
Suicidology experts testify that discussing suicide is the most effective help you can give to your loved one. Numerous studies confirm that you cannot make someone commit suicide by showing them that you care about them.
On the contrary, by giving him a chance to express his feelings, you can ease his state of mind, and most importantly, overcome the feeling of isolation and loneliness.
“If you just call a spade a spade, this alone can be a relief for a person who has been trying to find help for a long time, but no one hears him. Therefore, it is very important to ask direct questions, says American Shari Sinvelski, one of the leaders of the suicide prevention hotline. - Just ask: “Are you going to commit suicide?”
Suicide is not the answer
No matter how cynical it may sound, committing suicide is not as easy as it seems. In most cases it is painful and painful. Often, as a result of an unsuccessful attempt, people are seriously injured and remain disabled for the rest of their lives.
Another thought that is most difficult to accept is that suicide will not solve problems. Suicide will only make your family and friends deeply unhappy. No matter how difficult this step may be for you, it must be done: face your problems, talk about them, consider possible solutions. Remember everything you did before in such situations, if it helps even a little - continue in the same spirit. However, this should be done in a more or less calm state.
If you were told yes...
Photo from tyronelife.com
Getting an affirmative answer to a question like this is very scary. What to do in such a situation? First of all, assess how high the risk is. You can do this with just three questions:
- Do you have a plan?
- When are you going to do this?
- Do you have something with which you will kill yourself?
If there is a plan, it is reliable (from the point of view of lethality), there are means to carry out the intention and the time is set, then the risk of suicide ranges from high to very high. Your loved ones cannot hesitate in this situation.
Now the most important thing is to convince the person to seek help. For example, call the helpline.
Where exactly will they help?
Photo from crixeo.com
Suicide hotlines are intended almost exclusively for crisis, immediate help. Relatively speaking, they call there while already standing on the windowsill. Hotline employees use an approved step-by-step methodology for talking with a potential suicide. Their main task is to convince people to get off this windowsill. After this, they can together develop further steps to overcome the crisis, including seeking help from psychologists. How effective are hotlines?
Dr. Eric Kane of the University of Rochester Medical School is convinced that the number of people contemplating suicide is tens of times greater than the number of those who have already decided to commit it.
Dr. Kane is collaborating with US government agencies that are developing a new strategy for suicide prevention: the suicide rate in the country is steadily creeping up. Here, hotline employees have the opportunity to track down the most “sharp” callers. However, in most countries, confidentiality on a helpline is inviolable. Therefore, it is impossible to reliably say exactly how effective such a service is.
A group of Columbia University scientists led by the country's leading suicidologist Madeleine Gould analyzed 1,000 calls received to the hotline. There was a significant reduction in “suicide risk” during the call itself. Many admitted that this call saved their lives. 380 subscribers gave their consent to further communication. Over the following weeks, their feelings of despair and heartache diminished.
How to start a conversation
Alexander Wheeler.
Photo from dailymail.co.uk In November 2021, 21-year-old insurance clerk Alexander Wheeler hanged himself in London.
The mother tried to talk to him, seeing that something was wrong with the boy, but he did not want to listen. She made inquiries, found out that Alexander had been fired due to constant lateness to work, that he was sitting completely without money, but did not know how to approach her son with all this. He was proud. Now the woman cannot find a place for herself, turning over and over again in her brain possible options for a conversation with her son. She is confident that she could have prevented the tragedy. I just had to find the right words... The right words with which to start such a conversation - “I’ve been worried about you lately.” - “I noticed that you have somehow changed and I can’t understand what happened to you” - “I want to know if everything is okay. You've been looking like yourself lately."
What pushes us to suicide?
As a rule, thoughts of suicide come as a result of a prolonged crisis. But in order to decide to take such a desperate step, you need a good reason: painful loss, separation, betrayal, violence. In trying to cope with a heavy blow, fatigue, disappointment and despair accumulate inside, and we do not find the time and energy to deal with them. And then an aggressive rejection of reality arises and a desire to escape from it by all means.
At this moment, we are in a state of extreme emotional overstrain and simply are not able to sensibly assess the situation. Most often, teenagers, single women and people with an unstable emotional background are susceptible to suicide. At the same time, it is important to understand that thoughts of suicide occur to many people and do not always mean that you are ready to do it. The time to sound the alarm is when, instead of despair, you begin to mentally plan and evaluate your chances.
Where to begin?
Try to find out what really worries you and figure out what is causing your dark thoughts. Voice a problem (or several), talk it through. Let your fears cease to be irrational and all-encompassing, and take on a very specific form.
Speak, I'm listening to you
Photo from healthandlearning.org
Sometimes potential suicides themselves begin a conversation with loved ones about what they are going to do. Shari Sinvelski, one of the directors of the suicide prevention hotline, urges us not to brush them off. The person definitely needs to be listened to.
Any such remark - stupid, drunk, casual, blurted out in the hearts - must first be perceived as a cry for help and only then dealt with, putting forward other versions.
A kind of presumption of danger . This does not mean that you should rummage through the contents of the “suspect’s” bag in search of pills and dangerous razor blades and rush to read his correspondence. But you need to take the words seriously.
“Any words about suicide are a cry for help,” Sinvelski is sure. “Perhaps the person simply lacks attention (and this is also a problem), but it is possible that he is really thinking about committing suicide.”
It happens that it is often enough for a person to simply inform someone of his intention and not hear hysterics in response.
A calm reaction, a leisurely conversation about feelings - this may be enough to make things easier. How to behave when talking to someone who is contemplating suicide : - Be yourself - Listen - Be patient - Be calm - Empathize - Express hope for the best - Take seriously what he says What NOT to do when talking to someone who is contemplating suicide : - Argue - Devalue his problems - Read the moral: “think about your loved ones, you are hurting them with your actions”, “There is a bright side to everything”, “There are so many important things in your life that keep you here” - Show your own surprise and shock - Give lectures about the value of life - Promise that you will keep everything secret. Remember: a person’s life is at stake - Suggest ways to solve problems - Give advice - Leave him alone
Terrible grief: how to pray for suicides?
The Church does not have many unshakable truths. Strictly speaking, they all fit into the dogmatic basis of Christianity - the Creed. Everything else is rules, canons, traditions that may be subject to change. Another thing is that sometimes these foundations are so firmly ingrained into the church consciousness that a departure from them seems like a real revolution. Especially if it concerns an important issue, a terrible issue and, it would seem, resolved once and for all. The Church does not pray for the salvation of the souls of suicides! Or still...
Suicide, in the Christian understanding, is not just a sin. This is the only sin for which it is impossible to repent and, therefore, receive forgiveness from God and salvation of the soul.
The Church sees off a suicide on his final journey with truly deathly silence. It is impossible to sing “rest with the saints” over the body of a person who directed all his will, all his desire in the last hour to close his soul forever from God.
The Church has shunned suicide from the very beginning of its existence. It is not for nothing that Judas Iscariot, who repented of his betrayal and committed suicide, is condemned more for suicide than for betrayal. And it is not without reason that the English writer-apologist G. K. Chesterton wrote in his essay “Orthodoxy” that a suicide is the opposite of a Christian martyr hero, suicide is an insult to everything that the Church stands for and values.
A person who has taken his own life cannot be commemorated in a temple. You cannot submit a memorial note for a suicide. The priest serving the Liturgy will not remove a particle from the prosphora for him. The only thing that remains for those standing at his coffin is to pray at home, but even then, many clergy say that such a prayer can drive the worshiper crazy.
And this is partly true. It is impossible for an ordinary person alone to contain the pain, horror and fear of someone who has made the catastrophic decision to commit suicide. And the reluctance of the Church to pray for a suicide leads those who nevertheless decided to ask the Almighty for the repose of the soul of the deceased to a feeling of guilt and fear. As if God would not blame prayer for a sinful soul. And it turns out a vicious circle: a person prays, but instead of consolation and empathy for the departed, he earns himself only a feeling of all-consuming guilt before the Lord. He begins to fear God, who (as supposedly logically follows) will only punish him for the fact that it hurts and he wants to pray and cry. How can you not go crazy here?
Few people can stand being alone with the quiet abyss of grief, despair and guilt. Therefore, by hook or by crook, the relatives of the suicide are trying to enlist the support of the Church. Find at least some kind of loophole so that they can still perform the funeral service like a human being, and remember it later, and give at least a glimmer of hope that everything will be fine with the person in the next world.
One of these completely legalized loopholes is evidence that the person who took his own life was in a state of insanity and could not be responsible for what he was doing. If there is confirmation of this, the funeral service for the suicide is allowed. But here many “crooked” moves arise - someone begs for a certificate from a psychiatrist and with its help deceives the bishop blessing the funeral service. Somewhere, a mental disorder is understood to mean alcohol and drug intoxication or a state of passion. But until now, the Church did not have a common understanding of when it is possible to perform a funeral service, when to pray.
For centuries, the Church has fenced itself off from this issue, either turning a blind eye to obvious connivance, or, on the contrary, showing excessive severity, which, following the suicide of his relatives and friends, is ruined. The priest writes in his Live Journal about how the souls of those who cannot pray for their loved ones in church burn out:
“...I hear a call on my phone and a woman’s voice, interrupted by sobs, tries to talk about her grief. - Father, son, my son committed suicide. What to do? Then I meet my parents. During the meeting, the father, as a rule, stands and, with his head down, looks at his feet, and the mother, trying to touch the priest as if he were a straw, sometimes falls to you, presses her head to her chest and cries. Lord have mercy, how terribly they cry. It’s not exactly a scream, but more like the sobbing and howling of a little dog, offended by everyone.
But you can’t do anything, most importantly, you can’t pray for him, and you can’t console him in any way. You can only stroke her hand and cry with the person. Then the suicide is buried, and a new parishioner appears in the church, who comes to all services, because prayer is the only way to keep her from going crazy. She cannot, like her husband, go on a drinking binge; she goes into prayer. Black clothes are now her clothes for years. She often confesses and blames herself for everything that happened to her son. She has to constantly drive away the idea of going after her son.
This struggle lasts for seven to eight months. Then the woman comes less often. Several more months pass, the mother comes to her senses, begins to think sensibly again, and nothing threatens her life anymore. And she leaves the temple, usually forever. But I don’t blame anyone, because it’s unbearably hard not to be able to pray for the departed.”
It’s unbearably hard not to dare to pray. And the Church, in the end, decided to share the terrible burden together with the relatives of the suicide, to lend a shoulder where no one else would support.
“All ruling bishops have to deal with this phenomenon, when the grieving relatives of a person who committed suicide ask for his funeral service. I believe that it is necessary to introduce a uniform practice here in order to avoid abuse - both in the direction of excessive severity and in the direction of unjustified relaxations. In Moscow, a special rite of prayer for suicides was developed,” Patriarch Kirill said in 2011 on the eve of the bishops’ council.
It is worth noting that in a sense, the Church already has a “rite of prayer for suicides.” This is a prayer to the martyr Uar, to whom, bypassing all the rules, they pray for both suicides and the unbaptized. But a reservation should be made - these are the prayers that everyone reads strictly alone, privately - that is, not as a whole church. And not everyone will be blessed by the priest to read these prayers.
Some experts are quick to say that the Church is adapting to the modern world, in which the problem of suicide is very acute.
This is the opinion of a person who does not very well understand how the Church navigates our world. She cannot “realize” that she lives in a new world, especially since in terms of sins the world has not changed at all since the fall of Adam and Eve. And he cannot turn this into some kind of “PR campaign” in order to lure those who rarely go to church. And it doesn’t matter at all how many suicides occur - one or a million, quantity does not turn into quality in the sense of the church’s attitude to the problem. If a million people commit suicide, suicide will not cease to be a mortal sin.
It is unlikely that the Patriarch’s position has changed since then to suit “realities.” It is not the Church’s attitude towards mortal sin that is changing. The decision that was ultimately made by the Holy Synod involved something other than “adjusting the problem to modern realities.”
At a meeting of the Holy Synod on July 27, 2011, it was decided to approve the “Rite of prayerful consolation of relatives of those who died without permission” - that is, a prayer for relatives of suicides. The press secretary of the Patriarch of Moscow and All Rus', Archpriest Vladimir Vigilyansky, explains: the prayer was created for those cases when it is still against all canons to perform a funeral service for a person, but you want to give relatives church consolation and support in their grief. It is especially emphasized: this is not a prayer for a suicide, this is a prayer for those survivors who are dying of grief and do not know where to run with it, are afraid of offending God with their prayers and are drowning in despair.
“But do not reprove us with Your wrath, punish us with Your anger, O Master of Mankind, weaken, heal our heartfelt sorrow, may the multitude of Your bounties overcome the abyss of our sins, and may Your countless goodness cover the abyss of our bitter tears,” the Church touchingly prays together with the relatives of the person who committed suicide.
In addition, the relatives of the suicide, however, only with the blessing of the confessor, are allowed to pray privately in the words of the Venerable Leo of Optina: “Seek, O Lord, the lost soul of Thy servant (name): if it is possible, have mercy. Your destinies are unsearchable. Do not make this my prayer a sin, but Thy holy will be done.”
But still, prayer is not only a tool of consolation. Perhaps, to some extent, this is an attempt to distance himself from sentencing a suicide in absentia for all eternity. There are too many cases when it is impossible to determine how “firm of mind and good memory” a person who passes away in this way is.
Of course, the church’s words that suicide is a renunciation of God’s love, and, therefore, a direct path to hell, sound frightening. But not when you think about how much pain and fear the person who committed suicide experienced. What horror was he running from? And can someone who has never really known it really reject God’s love? And in this case, is there no hope that suicides - even those who deliberately climbed into the noose - in the eyes of God will be those who “knew not what they were doing”?
I really want to believe that, while completely condemning suicide here, the Church still submits final judgment to God, who still knows better what the soul of the suicide felt a second before death. What if he still managed to repent - even at the very last moment?
They die from heartache
Jamie Tworkowski is the founder of the non-profit TWLOHA.
Photo from the site weekly.blog.gustavus.edu A person in deep depression with suicidal thoughts absolutely needs long-term and deep help from professionals. A call to the helpline or a confidential conversation can save his life today, but what will happen tomorrow?...
People tend to downplay the significance of mental pain, and confuse depression with a bad mood. Meanwhile, depression is a formidable, deadly disease.
People don’t die from depression itself, but at its highest point it leads to suicide.
The mental suffering of depression is comparable in intensity to the pain experienced by stage 4 cancer patients.
A person does not see any other way to get rid of them, except for flight - to nowhere. So it is not necessary for a patient with a somatic illness to end his life because of physical pain.
“The best thing you can do when you notice alarming signs in your loved one is to convince him to see a psychologist, psychotherapist, or psychiatrist,” says Jamie Tworkowski, founder of the NGO TWLOHA.
But you should talk about a visit to a psychiatrist not when the person has already locked himself with a blade in the bathroom, and not before you are convinced that he is now relatively calm, stable, and able to look critically at his problem.
With teenagers, in general, everything is different than with adults: under no circumstances should they tell him: “You are in danger, there is something wrong with you, go to a psychiatrist.”
Parents should emphasize that there are people who can understand and help him, and he will definitely feel better.”
Suicides How to help people who are on the verge of suicide. Report by Katerina Gordeeva
This message (material) was created and (or) distributed by a foreign media outlet performing the functions of a foreign agent, and (or) a Russian legal entity performing the functions of a foreign agent.
What is this message and why is it everywhere on Meduza?
Photo: Davide Monteleone/Salt Images
According to the World Health Organization, more than 70% of Russians live in a state of prolonged stress. The media talk about family murders with suicide in the finale, teenage suicides, suicides of cancer patients. Against this background, Roskomnadzor prohibited the media from naming the causes of suicides. Meanwhile, WHO epidemiologists believe that suicide in Russia is a “sluggish emergency.” At the request of Meduza, journalist Katerina Gordeeva
Over the course of several months, I met with doctors, family members who have experienced suicide, as well as with those who are thinking about suicide - to understand how to help people who find themselves on the brink of life and death.
The names of some heroes have been changed.
“A few hours before my life, without any exaggeration, fell apart into two halves, I wrote a post on Facebook,” says Marina, 35, editor of a cultural magazine. “This was not a post of despair or a request for help. It was an ordinary, happy, cute post about our dog. Funny, got a lot of likes. Yes, it turns out I wrote it late at night, in a great mood. And this morning my husband committed suicide.”
Before that, a decade of happy family life with a gifted and different person. And three years of depression and growing psychological problems, which Marina and her husband either tried to cope with on their own, or looked for and did not find the necessary specialists. But all these problems were, so to speak, an internal family matter. From the outside, their family was and remained the same - calm and happy. Normal.
“I probably could have gotten help if, relatively speaking, I had searched the Internet for information using the keyword “suicide,” says Marina. “But before this knowledge, I went through all the circles of hell and all the search engines alone, I read tons of information. And all this is in hindsight, trying to cope with the pain... But you can’t bring your husband back.”
At her husband’s funeral, Marina seemed to cry alone. The remaining hundred people stood silently. “How is it possible,” one of the friends will throw out in their hearts, “to die, hanging all this hell on his wife and daughter.”
Now, a year after her husband’s suicide, Marina is trying to understand what really happened: he was obviously a talented, successful, lucky, able-bodied, charming, unconditionally smart and even more unconditionally loved person. “He definitely could not doubt that he was loved, I guarantee,” says Marina. And he adds: “He was unusual.” And it had a downside."
Throughout their entire life together and in the last three years, which turned out to be very difficult, Marina believed: “A special person has the right to his own, special life.” But none of those with whom Marina’s husband met and talked, who was “under supervision”, to whom the family paid money, posed the question bluntly: either a specialized institution, or an unpredictable end. There was nothing to indicate that Marina's husband was on the verge of suicide. “We get into this story with our eyes closed,” says Marina. - How can a healthy person who has never encountered such a disease before understand how the matter with his relative - essentially a sick person - will end, if he himself is not a doctor? And where is the responsibility of the structures that delve into the human psyche? Why has no one ever given me a choice: do I want to live with a person who is losing his personality, but alive, or end up at the point where I found myself?”
Marina is still trying to determine the point of no return, the moment when her husband became a potential suicide, but she did not notice. “I was blind, indifferent, I didn’t want to face the truth, was I naive? Where is the post about the dog from? Or maybe it’s all about the husband’s illness? Was it really severe clinical depression? Or maybe schizophrenia? Affective insanity? We, of course, made mistakes - he, I, the doctors, but are there any guilty ones among us? Who is he? Is a seriously ill person to blame for his illness? Or me, trying to find a solution so that he would not just exist, but would continue to be himself? Could I solve this? Could I have known that it was necessary to save a life, not a person? Doctors who didn’t tell me this, but tried their best? But they are just doctors, not gods.”
Trying to replay the tragic events of her life, Marina claims: today in Russia there is no obvious path that the relatives of a potential suicide could take without fear. Moreover, there is no algorithm for how to behave in a critical situation for loved ones in the public domain.
Although, in fact, there is both an algorithm and people who can come to the rescue. But no one knows about them, which means it is impossible to find them quickly and precisely when the situation is about to get out of control.
“Were there any special signs of an impending tragedy? - asks Marina, who lost her husband. And she answers: “No, we just had a good talk in the evening, which was so unexpected against the backdrop of the nightmare that has been happening in recent months.” Marina calls the state of her husband when he became inaccessible to loved ones, withdrawn, gloomy, weak-willed and unemotional, a nightmare. Or vice versa - he exploded for no reason, only to then plunge into depression again. Marina and her husband were able to have a “good conversation” that evening, as she believes, thanks to the antidepressants that the new doctor prescribed for her husband - and her husband felt much better. “All this gave him strength and reassured me that evening that there was hope for us,” Marina says. “I wrote that funny post on Facebook and went to bed.”
In hindsight, Marina learns: in fact, no one prescribes antidepressants to a person on the verge of suicide. But it will be too late. “The responsibility faced by a professional facing a person with obvious clinical depression is enormous,” says psychologist Vita Kholmogorova, trainer at the Institute of Existential-Analytical Psychology and Psychotherapy. - After all, sometimes it even happens that a person has not yet formulated this thought to himself - about voluntary departure from life. But depression eats him up, the mechanism is set in motion... And the fact that we are now distributing antidepressants to everyone is a monstrous crime. Do you understand how this works? Here is a depressed person. Let's say he once even thought about voluntarily leaving this life. He doesn't even have the strength to get out of bed to get a glass of water. And you give him antidepressants. What's happening? He gains strength and determination to take this fateful step.”
Photo: Davide Monteleone/Salt Images
Epidemic
“The information that Russia is overwhelmed by an epidemic of suicides is an exaggeration or even a myth,” says Professor Evgeniy Lyubov, head of the department of suicidology at the Moscow Research Institute of Psychiatry. “But like any myth, it is plausible.”
According to Lyubov, in 2015 - for the first time since the mid-1990s - Russia left the top ten countries with the highest suicide rates in the world, moving to 14th place with an indicator in the first quarter of less than 19 deaths per 100 thousand population. A critical situation, according to WHO classification, is considered to be when more than 20 suicides per 100 thousand people occur in a country. So, having taken the lead, Russia is not far behind its gloomy competitors.
According to Lyubov, “the downward trend in the level indicates socio-economic stabilization in the country.” However, the professor has no confidence that the situation will continue to improve. Lyubov’s colleague, psychologist Vita Kholmogorova, even believes that “the background of stability in early-mid 2015 will most likely be exhausted. More and more people are talking about general depression and fears associated with anticipating a bleak future.”
According to psychotherapist, candidate of psychological sciences, member of the International Association of Family Therapy Anna Varga, the situation will only get worse: “Our society is now in social regression. The general level of popular anxiety is high and the degree of reactivity is high: people are controlled from without, rather than from within themselves. It is not views and ideas that control, but only the need to reduce momentary anxiety in any way. If possible, the majority tries to avoid disturbing topics of their own free will, and not because “someone from above ordered it.”
Sociological research only confirms the fears of psychologists and psychiatrists. VTsIOM Communications Director Alexey Firsov says: “For a year and a half now, the perception of life among Russian citizens has been determined by two divergent vectors: one of them, of an ideal order, was set by the political agenda and was directed upward beyond the horizon; the second, material, was determined by the current economic situation and had a downward orientation. The first trend clearly dominated the entire last period, and continues to dominate today, but the picture of the world is gradually coming into balance. At the same time, the predominance of negative assessments so far relates not to the current situation (most Russians consider the state of affairs acceptable), but to expectations. Decreased optimism about the future is an alarming symptom. This factor leads to a contraction of the consumer economy, the abandonment of long-term strategies, and the “fading” effect. Which, in turn, increases phobias.”
In such difficult situations, specialists could come to the aid of people driven into a dead end. But, according to research by the Public Opinion Foundation, 78% of Russians have never seen a psychologist. And 57% exclude the possibility of contacting a specialist in the future.
Of course, none of the respondents, even in their worst dreams, imagine themselves or their loved ones on the verge of suicide. But even if someone thought seriously about where to run, if something happened, they would have few options.
“Previously, our phone number was in all directories, it was given as 09. If a person was hospitalized with a suicide attempt, he was given our number,” recalls psychologist Marina Polivanova, who worked for 15 years as a specialist in the All-Union, and then the All-Russian “helpline” for people on the verge of suicide and their relatives.
The line was created in 1982 by Aina Ambrumova, a professor of psychiatry and the founder of Russian suicidology. “Aina Grigorievna,” says Polivanova, “achieved the impossible in Soviet times: the conversation was not monitored, the number of the incoming call was not determined, the phone was free. Five to seven parallel lines worked. The phone was constantly ringing: before you had time to pour yourself some coffee or go to the toilet, it would ring. There were fewer calls at night. Mostly, we were approached by people who found themselves in difficult life circumstances, in a pre-suicidal state. There were few people with chronic mental problems.”
By 1993, the center began to die, but there were still regional Moscow departments of psychological assistance, which closed by the end of the 2000s.
Over the past few years, the telephone number of the emergency medical and psychological assistance center has changed several times. After Ambrumova’s death, the internal policy of the center also changed: advertising stopped, journalists were no longer allowed there. That is, it is impossible to find out about the center from the media now. “Last summer, all conversations between psychologists and callers began to be recorded,” says Polivanova. “For me this was the last straw. And I left."
Polivanova is confident that the availability of psychological and psychiatric care is the most important component of countering the suicide epidemic. But she doesn’t know how to organize it in conditions of complete lack of contact between the professional psychiatric community and journalists.
Photo: Davide Monteleone/Salt Images
Corpse for breakfast
“I was afraid to leave the house, afraid to pick up the phone, afraid to close my eyes. It seemed to me that now journalists would be waiting for me everywhere. And that everyone in the city knows what happened to us. And he believes that I - and only I - am to blame for everything. I don’t know how we survived it,” says Olga, a 39-year-old housewife from a small town near Moscow.
Several years ago, her youngest daughter had just been born, and her eldest, second-grader Vika, was being treated for cancer in one of the federal oncology clinics. Her father was always next to her. Mom stayed with her newborn sister. The day after Vika’s tests after the first course of chemotherapy showed that the drugs were working, the cancer was receding, and the doctors confirmed the advisability of the second course of chemotherapy, the girl’s father hanged himself in the hospital utility room. Someone from the medical staff told the tabloid journalists about this. Introducing themselves as employees of a charitable foundation, they were the first to talk to Vika’s mother, who had come to identify her husband. The next day, material about the tragedy appeared on the front page with a million copies.
“Our town is small,” says a family friend, “there was a feeling that they couldn’t hide anywhere. And here, on the one hand, there is a funeral, on the other, the girl is sick, she loved her father, how can I tell her? And everyone walks around and whispers, pointing fingers. Overall, it's a shame. Now the passions have subsided, but then, of course, they were all they talked about in the city.”
“The most common way in which our society learns about suicide is the “corpse for breakfast” genre, which our journalists are so fond of,” says suicidologist professor Evgeniy Lyubov. “And all the talk about the causes of suicide and ways to prevent it arises only in connection with another story about a general who put a bullet in his forehead because of an inhumane system for accompanying cancer patients, or teenagers who, holding hands, jumped from the roof, or what.” something like that. And this is a textbook on how not to talk about such subtle matter. Suicide usually affects at least ten people: relatives, classmates, employees, bystanders... But it is precisely the “epidemic” of high-profile suicides that is a common media cliche, pushing vulnerable individuals to the point of death. This is not a statement of the problem, it is a direct hint on how to “solve” the hardships of life.” According to Lyubov, the tragic story “from the wheels” does not allow for a detailed conversation about the causes of suicide, their varieties and methods of prevention.
“In the turmoil of a tragic report, no one has time to say a word about resources for help, the faces of depression. Reporters grab bewildered loved ones by the sleeve and demand a detailed story - and this absolutely cannot be done. Just as you cannot pass a sentence in absentia to a teacher, doctor, wife or mother and father - and write on the front page about the “epidemic” indicating addresses, first and last names, age of the victim, method of suicide. And the obligatory photo of the family’s window next to the photo of a poorly covered corpse,” says Lyubov. All this, according to him, not only harms the family experiencing loss and the professional community called upon to prevent such losses, but also constitutes a malfeasance of journalists. However, the professional community has not yet told anyone how, when and what journalists should talk about.
Restrictions provided for in Article 15.1. The Federal Law “On Information” and carefully controlled by Roskomnadzor and Rospotrebnadzor imply a ban on disclosing the causes of suicide and methods of its implementation. However, according to both journalists and psychiatrists, all this, rather, has to do with the general grotesque direction of the legislative activity of the State Duma of the Russian Federation in recent years, and does not affect the real situation in any way.
Photo: Davide Monteleone/Salt Images
Low-intensity emergency
Why in Russia at the state level the issue of mental health of the nation and suicide prevention has never even been formulated - rhetorical. But domestic suicidology is extremely young: it appeared only in the 1970s, when a special department was created at the Moscow Institute of Psychiatry, under the leadership of the same Aina Ambrumova, to scientifically study the problem of suicide. At the same time, the All-Union Scientific and Methodological Suicidology Center was opened, whose task was to study human behavior in various extreme situations. By this time, European suicidology had existed for more than a century and all the main problems, questions and answers to them had already been formulated, and the father of world sociology, Emile Durkheim, had already linked the social policy pursued by the state, the political and economic climate in society with the level of suicide.
Global knowledge about suicide is formulated in a 2008 WHO report. It says: “Depression, schizophrenia, alcohol and drug addiction, dementia, and epilepsy are largely the leading causes of suicide.”
However, suicidologist Lyubov argues that in such a delicate topic as the voluntary departure of a person from life, broad generalizations are no good: “Each completed suicide attempt has its own tragic backstory, its own reasons and its own mechanism of development.”
There is no consensus among experts regarding approaches to the classification of suicides. But it is generally accepted that the method of saving a potential suicide depends on what causes suicidal thoughts. Psychological predispositions include: protest (resentment towards other people, fate, God, etc.), a cry for help, unwillingness to solve problems, self-punishment (more often in adolescents and women: an unexperienced feeling of guilt, the only compensation for which is death), a “worthy” way out, a feat (more often in men, an attempt to get out of a situation with your head held high, a “courageous step” and an existentially worthy choice). Psychiatric - illness (schizophrenia, clinical depression), hysteria (as a personality disease).
But there is another type of suicide: in some classifications he is called a “true suicide” - a person who is driven by a conscious refusal to live.
“And here a lot of questions arise: what does conscious renunciation of life mean? This is very difficult to explain, says psychologist Vita Kholmogorova, but the gist is this: thoughts of suicide arise, according to surveys, in approximately 80% of people. Then the conversation between the person and himself begins. And this conversation leads to a choice in favor of life or a choice in favor of death. And with this internal attitude a person continues to live for some time. Until he runs into the same problem again and again solves it internally for himself, moving one step forward.”
In her reasoning, Kholmogorova relies on the research of one of the most authoritative suicidologists in the world, a former concentration camp prisoner, psychologist Viktor Frankl, who argued that suicide becomes the only way out for a person whose “fear of life becomes stronger than the fear of death.”
According to Frankl, in such a person, among other things, the instinct of self-preservation weakens. “Nature knows examples,” Vita Kholmogorova continues Frankl’s thought, “when the instinct of self-preservation prompted animals to choose death as the only option for survival. What distinguishes a person from an animal is the conscious right to die. But it also happens that this choice occurs against one’s own will and external circumstances. Something clicks and the countdown mechanism starts. And although nothing is noticeable outwardly, the person is already moving at full speed towards his death.”
It is believed that only psychiatrists can save such a person. And that most of the deaths of “true suicides” are cases not included in the statistics.
“We are talking about suicides hidden in the category of road accidents and the dimensionless basket of ‘deaths for unknown reasons,’” says suicidologist Evgeniy Lyubov.
According to the professor, incorrect suicide statistics (both in Russia and in the world) are due to the fact that the death of a “true suicide” is often incorrectly classified, recording that death occurred as a result of an uncertain or natural cause, while, for example, , an elderly person stops taking life-sustaining medications; another starves himself (suicidal erosion); someone who was literally recently saved from committing suicide suddenly dies “of nothing”; someone, seemingly healthy and prosperous, finds himself behind the wheel and does not react to a minimally dangerous traffic situation (by accident or on purpose - no one will ever know) ; someone is drowning - and does not help themselves with all their might to swim out.
“We will never be able to find out in hindsight what happened, why the instinct of self-preservation did not work and the person could not escape. Couldn't? Didn't want to? Did you lack the strength or will to live? - says Kholmogorova. — The statistical summary will say: “Death from an accident.” That's all."
According to statistics (WHO, 2008), suicidal behavior underlies 17% of deaths of Russians from injuries with undetermined intentions, but no one can confirm or refute these figures.
Photo: Davide Monteleone/Salt Images
Death without a reason
“We lived like everyone else in Soviet times, usually. My adult son was interested in chemistry; after graduating from Moscow school, he entered the chemistry department of Moscow State University. There were no signs of a storm,” says Nelly Levina. — As a fourth-year student, he went for a walk with the dog and did not return home for a long time. My husband and I began to worry. We ran to look and found him in the park. He stood holding the tree tightly. It was impossible to move it. He couldn't explain anything. Together with her husband, they dragged him home by force. Not understanding what happened, we called an ambulance. So our son ended up in a psychiatric hospital. There I met the same parents of adult children who found themselves in a similar situation.”
Nelly Levina calls a “similar situation” the state of a person who is no longer able to control himself, and therefore is unable to protect himself.
“True suicides” rarely see a psychologist or psychotherapist. People who need attention, those who want to demonstrate their own “uselessness”, and receive support and approval, are more willing to attend such meetings.
“Many even go for generations: mother and daughter, for example, because they have a similar psychotype. There is nothing bad in this, on the contrary, it’s good that they are walking, the situation is under control,” says Vita Kholmogorova. “But it’s extremely rare for psychologists to see “true suicides.” And in this case, in the event of any suspicion of the possibility of a suicidal outcome, the psychologist must break medical confidentiality and do everything possible to ensure that the person sees a psychiatrist as soon as possible.”
However, no algorithm has yet been legally prescribed for how this could technically happen. A privately practicing psychologist, in theory, owes nothing to anyone.
“And in the end, everything depends on the psychotherapeutic approach and professional position of the person who is sitting in front of someone who is quite likely a potential suicide,” says psychotherapist Anna Varga. — Some proponents of the psychodynamic approach believe that there is no real cure without psychosis. So, if a person is psychotic, and many consider the suicidal risk to be psychotic, then you need to go through it with your analyst. Such people do not turn to psychiatrists; sometimes it works. But it happens that a person commits suicide. I know several colleagues whose clients died in this way... In a systems approach, the one to which I myself belong, it is necessary to contact the client’s family in cases of suspected suicidal risk. Call everyone, persuade them to see a doctor, but under no circumstances refuse this client yourself. Usually it is possible to persuade. It's good to have a group of trusted psychiatrists on hand. But this is also a problem!”
In Russia, whose citizens have experienced the horror of punitive psychiatry and still scare each other with the “psychiatric hospital” - since childhood, even an experienced private practitioner will feel awkward suggesting that the client’s relatives “call for a psycho cart” and forcibly hospitalize the person. Sometimes this awkwardness outweighs the possible suicidal risks.
Photo: Davide Monteleone/Salt Images
A way to escape
“Anyone who has attempted suicide is at risk for future suicide, as are their family members. At least a third end their lives in this way. The first months after an attempt are especially dangerous for suicide. However, the majority of “losers” do not receive psychological assistance after receiving medical care, usually refusing it even if there is a suicide service,” Professor Lyubov says bitterly. - But there are no random, easy suicide attempts - “just a scare.” This is how a person solves his problems, the path is well-trodden - the next attempt may be the last. And it is absolutely forbidden to remain silent or pretend that nothing is happening. There is no panacea. But there are professionals, and you need to run to them. Invite someone significant to your loved one - a friend, confessor. But there is also something that is contraindicated - empty and wounding words: “Pull yourself together, get out of your head,” “You’re not a cripple,” “It’s nothing.”
“When it’s clear that there is a risk of suicide, you start calling all your relatives, brainstorming, persuading the person to go to the doctor,” psychotherapist Anna Varga shares her experience. — I work with excellent doctors, and I haven’t had any completed suicides yet. Usually the agreement is as follows: if a person of sound mind and a healthy body still wants to end his life, he will not be interfered with. The main thing here is to direct efforts to ensure that the family of such a person becomes a resource for him, and does not fight in hysterics and does not worsen his condition.”
15 years ago, trying to save her own son, Nelly Levina created the patient organization “New Opportunities”. Now he helps other families: performances, tea parties, walks, in a word, everything that can easily and without unnecessary explanation unite people who have been through psychiatric institutions. One of the medical consultants of New Opportunities, Professor Lyubov, is confident: “Suicide is fundamentally reversible. Until the last moment a person hesitates, and he can be stopped even at the edge of the roof. Before a tragedy there is usually a long journey for a person vulnerable to typical life difficulties, who does not find or seek help. And the main task of our society now is to make help available. So that they would not look for her, but she herself would be found. This would be the ideal solution to the problem.”
Levina recalls one of the “New Opportunities” participants, Alexey: “A modest, smiling, friendly guy came to see us for a year. He mastered English on his own and translated fluently. I involved him in translating newsletters of the European Community of Relatives EUFAMI, of which we are members. He dealt with it very quickly and asked for the following translations. And since I’m always busy, I don’t always have time to do it. Later, his mother told me that he was waiting for my call, wanted to do translations, and that he often returned to his bridge where the tragedy happened. Mom also said that she guessed about his obsessive thoughts, but could not tell anyone.
I sometimes talked with Alexey. He talked about his previous job in a warehouse, about how he was laid off, about his more successful brother, and how his mother didn’t always understand him. I tried to show him to our psychiatrists, but he resisted, and it was clear that he was afraid of communicating with them. Now I know that this should have alerted me. But I somehow missed this moment. In general, I was unable to bring them together. The last time Alexey and I were on a boat trip, he danced, sang with the guys, listened and rejoiced at the poems, talked about how good it was that he decided to come with us, talked about his girlfriend. And then he disappeared for a long time. I called him at home and my mother said that Alexey was no longer there. I still can’t forgive myself.”
Of course, the New Possibilities library contains a large number of literary and medical stories related to suicide, which can help relatives of those who are on the verge of suicide to save their loved ones. But, as a rule, people find out about this patient organization after everything has already happened, and there are no books on how to behave around a person who is ready to commit suicide, nor literature that helps to at least recognize, notice, and seize the moment. when a loved one is on the edge - no.
Suicide is not drug addiction, not alcoholism, or even oncology. Too few victims, low public interest, a lot of bans on public discussion and, as a result, instead of the easy short emergency numbers familiar in Europe and America, 24-hour lines with suicidologists for every taste (from teenagers to pensioners) and public discussion - in Russia Discussing suicide is completely taboo. Not by someone's evil will. It's just not considered important for some reason.
Photo: Davide Monteleone/Salt Images
PS Sergey
Natalia is 62 years old and is a former additional education teacher. Now retired. Her husband Sergei was an aircraft engineer by profession in the 1970s and a poet by vocation. In the nineties, he was somehow at a loss: he worked as a postman, elevator operator, courier and, finally, a cashing assistant for a large businessman.
“This is how Seryozha began to earn money. And we managed to get our son back on his feet,” says Natalya. “And then they even decided to start their own business.” Sergei took out a loan. But the business failed. And it didn’t work out to repay the loan. Natalya and Sergei exchanged a large apartment in the center for two small ones on the outskirts. One of them was sold to pay off part of the debts. In another, one and a half room, Sergei and Natalya and their grown son with his wife and small child settled. Sergei got a job as a driver. I calculated that with my new salary I could repay the debt within 13 years. I calmed down a little. Then the crisis of 2014 struck.
“Seryozha was a hot-tempered person before: he could explode out of nowhere, or, on the contrary, he could remain silent for a day or two or even lie with his face to the wall. He has a very complex mental organization. He’s a poet,” explains the wife. “And plus, of course, he had a lot of luck in life, such is the fate of our generation.” Now my husband either sits in the kitchen for hours, clutching his head, or rushes around the house, swearing: “I recently broke a window glass with my fist,” says Natalya, “and then immediately lay down on the bed. And he was silent. It seems to me that he would drink, this has happened to us before, but we have no money at all, and Seryozha has no strength at all. That's why I don't leave the house for a long time now. I'm afraid he'll do something to himself. And this is the end."
“I’m very afraid that someone will find out that Seryozha is not himself. It’s such a shame, of course, that’s all,” Natalya says goodbye. I ask if Natalya and Sergei are going to seek medical help. “Come on, we don’t have money for psychologists—we barely have enough for food. And this debt is still there.” - “And the psychiatrist?” - “No, no, never in my life will I send him to a mental hospital, we lived our whole lives together. If it were possible, we would escape, remember how in that film where the wife stole her husband from prison by helicopter? We would run away... But we have nowhere to run.”
A month after this meeting, Sergei tried to strangle himself in the bathroom with a clothesline. He was saved.
Katerina Gordeeva
Saint Petersburg
Write “love” on your hand
Photo from wikipedia.org
The abbreviation TWLOHA stands for unusually: “To Write Love on Her Arms.” Here's her story. It all started when Tworkowski wrote a post on his blog in 2006 about 19-year-old Renee.
She was 19, she was addicted to cocaine and not only cut her veins, but carved a dirty curse on her left hand with a razor blade.
He met her by chance and took her to the hospital when Renee was already bleeding.
They pumped the girl out, but the hospital, which did not have equipment for detoxification, did not want to keep the drug addict. For the next five days, Rene was cared for by Jamie and his friends (all of whom are Christians). They managed to bring her back to life, but they wanted to “write the word ‘love’ on her hand—figuratively, of course. And first, it was necessary to place the girl in a good rehabilitation center. Actually, that post was written for fundraising purposes. At the same time, Jamie and his friends started selling T-shirts, and they were supported by famous music groups (Switchfoot, Anberlin, Paramore).
The story with Rene ended well, but Tworkowski received letters from those who were desperate, who were depressed, who suffered from addictions and who no longer wanted to live. Then he created the TWLOHA organization - he connected young people with professionals, identified whom he could to rehabilitation centers, and supplied them with literature and advice.
Now TWLOHA is a large organization helping people at risk of suicide. In 2015, a film based on real events was made about Renee - “Write “Love” on Her Arms.”
