Service through the eyes of a child
One of my earliest childhood memories is church services. Amazing, completely alive Crucifixion in the Church of the Sign on Rizhskaya. You can sit on your knees at the feet of the Savior, and for some reason it is not scary, but calm. It’s as if Christ is above me, protecting me. Exactly me. When I was six years old, my younger brother was four, respectively, my dad and I and my younger brother sometimes went to church at the very beginning of the liturgy. On a dark winter morning, almost at night, we left the house and even approached the temple - it was still dark. I don’t even know what my brother and I did throughout the service. But I remember the road, the warm and brightly lit church, the dark left choir. And, of course, I remember vivid fragments - holidays. I remember how the good Bishop Pitirim (Nechaev) in the Church of the Resurrection of the Word distributed colored eggs to children on Easter. I remember how I sat on the large cold slabs of the main cathedral of the Donskoy Monastery during the night Christmas service. I’m wearing a new white dress with a lace stand-up collar, which my mother sewed using a pattern from the Burda magazine. I remember how a huge choir sings - thickly, with overflow, right up to the dome, so that my heart skips a beat - it seems to me that I remember every word. Now I’m writing - and I hear from there, from my seventh or eighth birthday: “From my youth, many passions have fought me...”. I was not at all worried that my youth was still ahead of me. I didn’t even think about such things: understandable or unclear. It was beautiful, bright. Some words, phrases, images “caught on”, swirled around in my head, and most definitely began to live a life of their own inside me. And in that very youth, we once saw each other as words that had meaning.
And while you are a little girl, sometimes the service means you stand, squeezed by warm and stuffy people, you see only their backs around, and above - frescoes and chandeliers. And you wait: well, when is Communion... Or somewhere in a darkened aisle you endlessly braid the fringe on the lectern into pigtails (how I loved braiding braids everywhere!): “Why is it taking so long, everyone is singing and singing.” Or in a church shop you read a magazine, some stories...
When I was eight, I often found myself attending services at the Donskoy Monastery. The liturgy took place in the Church of the Archangel Michael, white, almost empty, in which there were many sculptures. A small “everyday” choir sang. And one day the regent, snow-white and fluffy Father Daniel, called me to the choir. I had to sing the response exclamations during the litanies, everything simple and short, and during the “long and complex” I had to be silent. And I loved tiny Father Daniel, as tall as me, and I loved standing near the lectern with notes, and I loved the litanies. Now they will sing a long, adult song, and then - “mine”: “Lord, have mercy!”, “Give me, Lord!” Then I sang more than once in the choir, in different monasteries and churches, and I even received my first salary in my life at the age of 12, for this singing.
“Standing like a pillar” in the service is painful. When a child has something to do during a service, visiting the temple becomes interesting, and this interest in itself helps to get to know the service better and more deeply. Any activity helps you “feel” the service, understand it – and over time teaches you to love it. On the other hand, the participation of children in worship should take place under the strict guidance of an adult, believer and reverent person, because the hosts of almost homeless boys in cassocks are a separate issue... But in general, both from my personal experience and from the experience of my friends, it is possible to say that “just like that,” even when it’s “boring and incomprehensible”, going to church is good for a child in the future of growing up.
Taking care of a candlestick, sitting on a bench for the entire service is not “profanity”, it is not “it would be better if the child stayed at home.” After all, this is how the temple becomes home to the child. You remove the warm wax from the candles, and at this time the choir sings: “Quiet light, holy glory.” From childhood I remember this chant exactly like that – with warm wax in my hands. During this entire service, which drags on for so long, at least several times, the child’s soul turns to God. Maybe just once during the entire liturgy, together with the deacon, with the choir, the mind and heart will repeat:
“We will give ourselves and each other and our whole life to Christ our God!”
- To you, Lord...
This single prayer is already a jewel that justifies this: “dragged-a-child-to-the-temple.”
A conscious attitude towards worship, prayer, and not just presence, understanding of what is happening in the temple, what is called a “personal meeting with God” occurs for each person at different times. Saint Theophan the Recluse spoke about this:
“It is impossible to determine when a person comes to recognize himself as a Christian and his independent determination to live as a Christian. In fact, this happens at different times: at 7, 10, 15 years and later.”
The saint says this about children who were raised by believing parents, raised in “churchliness.” In this statement of Saint Theophan, several important points can be seen.
Firstly, even a seven-year-old child can consciously come to God, and the spiritual life of a seven-year-old child is not necessarily “role-playing Orthodoxy.”
Secondly, each person has his own path, and a child, perhaps unconsciously, simply out of habit, comes to church at 7 or 10 years old - and this will not prevent him from consciously “swearing allegiance to God” at 15.
Thirdly, even “correctly” raised children will not necessarily consciously come to Christ in childhood, youth, and in general. It's just a given. Simply because we are all free, and even our children are free. Simply because each person has their own path. It is not always the right environment, but the right instructions lead to a positive result. The clearest example of this is Judas the Traitor, who lived among the holy apostles, next to Christ Himself, and who for several years listened to the instructions of not just the best Educator and Teacher who ever lived on earth, but was a disciple of God Himself. So upbringing is not always “to blame” for a student’s “wrong” choice.
But, of course, upbringing can also be to blame. In the case of “church” upbringing, the fault, of course, is not the fact of “churchliness,” but the ways in which the child was raised and by whom. Often it is believing parents who contribute to the fact that their children do not want to seek a meeting with God. Often, when children abandon faith, they leave not the faith itself, but rather the harsh, dull or aggressive parents with whom the Church is associated. They escape from problems in the family or from a specific priest, parish...
How to bring children to church? Bring physically. The answer to this question depends on many different circumstances. In one family, everyone goes to church together - dad, mom, children, and even grandparents. In another family, only the mother has to cope with the children. And this happens not only in cases when the pope refuses to worship, but also when the pope serves in church. In one family, the children are generally quiet: if you sit them down, they sit, if you put them down, they stand. And in another - for a variety of reasons, pedagogical, psychological, neurological - children are not able to stand quietly for ten minutes. In one case, the child himself strives to go to church and is ready for worship in all respects better than the parents themselves. And in another situation, the child would prefer to stay at home. Our churches are also different, and our parishes are different.
So again and again: it is impossible to offer universal recipes for every family, or at least for the majority. I won't even try. I’ll just offer some non-universal solutions, but still solutions.
Seniors
At the age of four, sometimes it’s time for children to explain to us the meaning of what is happening themselves, rather than waiting for stories from us.
But seriously, at this age a child is already quite capable of understanding the meaning and importance of what is happening in the church and attending services more consciously.
My son and I try to read and talk about the coming day on the eve of the service. This makes it really more meaningful: both for him and for me. And sometimes children’s theological questions actually become a test: “Do you yourself understand what you believe in?”
The problem called “Mom, I want to go for a walk” at this age, of course, does not go away. Well, just walk like that. The main thing is not to get annoyed with anyone. Neither for the child, nor for yourself.
To the temple with a baby
To come to church for a service with a baby in your arms, you will have to take into account both the capabilities of your baby and the need to observe the “decency” of the service. But in general, taking an infant to church with you is easier than bringing older children to church. For up to six months, or even longer, children can simply sleep during the service. It happens that a baby, from birth, from the womb, becomes so accustomed to worship that the familiar atmosphere of the temple itself calms and literally lulls him to sleep. I myself am not always able to stand quietly at work for at least half an hour: preschoolers, primary schoolchildren, and even teenagers require attention for a variety of reasons. But when I have a two- or three-month-old baby in my arms, sometimes it turns out, “like in my youth,” to pray longer during the service: the baby sleeps with me in the church, and my husband watches the rest of the children.
Sometimes a car seat can help out. Parents who are motorists carry a baby sleeping in a seat from the car directly to the temple. The baby is sleeping peacefully, the parents are praying peacefully. When there is no car, the child can fall asleep in the stroller on the way to the temple, and then the stroller is simply brought to the temple. Of course, the plan does not always work; it happens that right now the baby does not fall asleep, or sleeps well - but wakes up when entering the temple. And then you can pray in turn: dad in the temple - mom and baby on the street, then they switched.
Sometimes a baby falls asleep easier in his mother's arms. When we go to church for the start of the service (which doesn’t happen very often), I take a folding chair with a backrest with me, and if I’m lucky, the baby will lie quietly in my arms or sleep throughout the service. If the baby is asleep well, even during the Gospel and Anaphora you will have to sit so as not to disturb the child’s sleep. But the mother herself will be able to pray, and the baby will not disturb the people around her.
But it is often almost impossible to pray with a baby at a service for architectural and technical reasons. Babies do not always want to eat on schedule and do not soil their diapers at all according to schedule - and in many churches these problems are almost insoluble.
Here, of course, there is a big question for the rector, for the parish, for the ministers at the church: how ready are they to help in such situations. If desired, almost always the temple could offer parents with children at least some kind of room, at least some kind of guardhouse, where, albeit with inconvenience, it would be possible to change clothes or feed the baby. Now, with all kinds of wet wipes, you don’t even need a sink - just a separate room, any table and a couple of chairs, or an old sofa. This, of course, is not my proposal or my idea - in some churches such rooms are allocated: a refectory, a “baptismal room” or another room can become a “mother and child room”.
When there is a room at the temple where you can take your baby, it is also an opportunity to help other people pray in peace. After all, if this room is right in the temple, then you can quickly bring a fussy baby here and try to calm him down. People who are disturbed by the screams of children during the service - however, how can this not interfere? – you can suggest thinking about organizing such a room at the temple.
Maybe it's not necessary?
The simplest way out of this situation seems, of course, the most common - to come with the children only to Communion. This, it seems, is convenient: the child does not get tired, and the mother’s nerves remain intact, and those around her are only touched.
But several problems immediately arise here. The first is that in such a situation the parents themselves find themselves in church only for Communion. But for an adult it is still somewhat strange to come for years only at the end of the liturgy.
The second is that older children begin to perceive going to work as something mechanical. They came, approached the Chalice, and left. A strange ritual, the meaning of which is not visible.
Let's try to figure out how to combine children and service with minimal losses for all participants.
To the temple with children from one to three years old
The most difficult age to visit any public place. The baby no longer sleeps in service and is not ready to sit in his arms for a long time. Parents require unlimited patience, along with unlimited imagination and unlimited willingness to make non-standard decisions every minute.
Sometimes children even at this age are able to sit and even stand quietly. The child can sit at mom's or dad's feet. And let him sit, as long as the baby doesn’t bother anyone. But in general, children 2–5 years old can hardly sit quietly or stand in one place for more than 15 minutes; age-related developmental characteristics have not been canceled. It is possible and necessary to teach a child to be reverent, but expecting this reverence at the age of three is not very adequate. Teaching a child to maintain silence, to stand calmly in one place is also possible and very necessary. But at the same time, take into account the capabilities of a particular child. And also understand that a change of activity is necessary for a child: for a small child - every 10 minutes, for a ten-year-old - every 40 minutes.
For example, they do this: they go into a temple with a three-year-old child. They show how to cross and bow. Then the parent stands so that the baby can stand or sit next to him without the risk of being crushed by others. Sometimes the baby behaves quietly - and dad or mom seizes the opportunity and tries to pray, even for 5-10 minutes. And when the baby begins to be too inappropriately active or loud, you can switch to the child and offer him an “organized” activity. For example, light a candle with your child, help him cross himself, venerate an icon, or throw a coin into a donation box. This is already a change of activity. Maybe this will be enough for the baby, and he will again be able to sit quietly next to his mother or in his father’s arms for another 5 minutes - and this way the parents will be able to pray again.
And when the baby is not able to behave so quietly, no matter for what reason, he will have to be taken away from the temple. In this situation, the luckiest ones are those who can come to worship together with some other adult. While one of the parents prays in the temple, the other takes the active child outside.
Sometimes children's playgrounds are specially built near temples. If the service is broadcast outside, then parents can, while keeping an eye on their children, still hear the words of the service. Or you can take the child to the same room at the temple that is aimed at children. A refectory, a baptismal church, a large porch, a Sunday school room - a place where children can draw and sometimes play. This is a very convenient thing, and again it is an opportunity for adult family members to come to church not for Communion itself, but for at least part of the service.
It’s not always easy for parents of “angels” either...
- Tamara, can you imagine, my little one today demanded to go for a walk immediately after the exclamation: “No one from the catechumens...”! Apparently, we have not matured enough to become faithful. We came back later, of course, but it turned out so funny!
- What’s more, the twins and I were completely forgotten at home today! I suspect that it was because our dad didn’t want to listen to the whole service concert on the topic: “And now I want other tights!” So he ran away with the elders without waking up the girls and me.
This funny dialogue with a friend, it seems to me, very clearly illustrates the life of parents. Children in the temple remain exactly the same children as in other places. They want the same thing - to run, play, new tights, take a walk.
These are the peculiarities of the child’s psyche - a child cannot be focused on one thing for two hours! This is where all these concerts begin...
To church with children over 5 years old
Playgrounds, and especially special rooms for children, have many advantages. But there is also a problem: it seems to me that if we are talking about children over 5-6 years of age, it is not always appropriate during the service, while waiting for “when will Communion finally arrive,” to color fish, assemble Lego and ride down the slide. Of course, children don’t bother anyone this way - but why did they come to the temple? The child rolls and tumbles, draws and plays for 40 minutes, or even an hour. Then he goes to Communion - and again to his friends on the street or to the play corner? I'm not saying that this is an outright bad option. Bringing children for a walk near the temple is better than not bringing them at all. Bringing children on such a walk is an opportunity for other family members to be at the service, and this is very worth it. But still, it seems to me that it is better, at least sometimes, if possible, to bring the child not to the playground, not to a well-equipped room, but... to a church service. Of course, it’s hard for a five-year-old, or even a seven-year-old child, to stand in church for the entire service. I’m talking about something else: sometimes it will be better to come to church only for part of the service, but bring the children specifically to the service.
Even “waiting it out” on the street or in a special room for children can be turned towards preparation for the service. For example, if a child usually draws and reads books in the children’s room at the church, then offer him... everything the same, but focused on worship or today’s holiday. Give a coloring book with appropriate content, offer to draw a picture yourself, write something. For example, if today is the Feast of the Entry of the Lord into Jerusalem, you can, having arrived at the service and having sent your father and older children to pray, quietly enter the church with your preschooler, venerate the holiday icon, and light a candle. Then go with him to the children's room, there, invite the child to draw a palm branch or a donkey, which we just saw on the icon.
Even during this “waiting out” in the children’s room, the child can color or trace the troparion of the day prepared at home - I have already talked about how this can be done more than once. And when, after the liturgy, the priests go out into the middle of the church to sing this troparion, the child will be ready to both listen and sing along to this chant. During the beautiful but long Easter service, my children more than once traced or wrote Easter stichera or troparia from the Easter hours. The troparion is ready for the singing of these very hours; you can go to church and seize the moment when this chant is sung.
This time in the children's room can be used for any "religious education" of the children. The very thing that we often don’t have enough time for: maybe read the life of today’s saint, then offer to draw something on the topic. Maybe tell something about the temple, for example, about the icons in the iconostasis, about the vestments of the priests, etc. So our elders will pray, and our younger ones will study. This way, the kids will not just “graze” while waiting for Communion, not just run around the temple or draw princesses, but will be able to somehow prepare for the service, for the holiday. This is an acquaintance with the temple, which is right in the temple. Then we will bring the younger ones to the temple itself, maybe to the Creed, maybe to the singing of the Lord’s Prayer - it depends on what age the children are, how many there are per adult.
From the age of five, children can and should be taught appropriate behavior in church. Behave quietly, don't walk around unnecessarily, don't talk... It's a matter of habit and discipline in general. Teach with words: don’t talk loudly, don’t run, stay quiet, sit quietly. Watch: when a child is clearly tired and can’t cope with himself, just kindly take him out of the temple. Maybe he’ll run around a little, like “at recess,” and will be able to be quiet again. If a child asks a question “on the point” (What is this priest doing? Why did they bring the table? Is the priest holding the Gospel in his hands?) – answer in a whisper, if this is appropriate. If it’s not on point, remind them that you can’t talk in church: “We’ll talk later,” or leave the church and discuss with the child an issue that worries him. This is all understandable, of course. It is probably clear that the personal example of parents is important here: if we ourselves walk around the church, if we chat with friends during the service, we will not be able to teach our children reverence.
Another point is more complicated: the reverent and generally quiet behavior of children during worship primarily depends clearly not so much on the behavior of the parents, but on the behavior of other parishioners. It is difficult to teach a child not to talk during services, when all the people are walking around in the church, everyone is talking in a low voice, or even out loud. In some churches you tell the child: be quiet. And everyone is walking around, even pushing each other and this very child. And the roar of voices is such that the priest cannot be heard... And if all the adults behave reverently in the church, this, of course, helps both children, parents, and the most random “parishioners” to learn appropriate behavior in the house of God.
About the church life of a little Christian
About the church life of a little Christian
Good afternoon, dear visitors of the Orthodox island “Family and Faith”!
When should you start bringing small children to liturgy? How to accustom a child to church services, how to correctly explain and convey to him all the beauty of church services and the importance of being in church for the liturgy, all-night vigil, and other church services?
In this article, Archpriest Maxim Kozlov explains in detail to parents the subtleties and nuances of church churching not only for children, but also for the parents themselves, talks in detail about how to prevent the most common mistakes in church upbringing of children and how to teach your children to love church services, understand them and have a sincere desire to attend them with their parents.
“ small children to a whole service, because they cannot stand two and a half hours of worship,” writes Fr. Maksim. – The best thing is to bring your child some time before Communion, so that his stay in Church will be bright, joyful and desirable for him, and not difficult and painful, for which he needs to not eat and languish for a long time, waiting for something unknown.
Archpriest Maxim Kozlov
I think it would be reasonable to go to church on one Sunday with the whole family, and on the next, let one of the parents stand at the full service, and the other stay with the children or lead them to the end of the service. While the children are small and the mother has night feedings, constant household chores, so that sometimes there is no time to pray at home, we must give her the opportunity to come to the Divine Liturgy at least once or twice a month alone, without the children, and let her husband stay with them at home, even and on Sunday - the Lord will accept this as a sacrifice pleasing to Him. In general, it is better for parents with small children to come to the service, realizing that on such a day they themselves will not have the opportunity to receive communion, and those who love the service will certainly sacrifice themselves.
But, firstly, it is not necessary to take the children every Sunday, and secondly, you can take them in turns: once mom, once dad, someday, God willing, grandparents or godparents. Thirdly, with a small child it is worth coming to such a part of the service that he can accommodate. Let it be ten to fifteen minutes first, then the Eucharistic canon; after some time, when the children become older (I do not specifically name the age, since everything here is very individual), the service will begin from the reading of the Gospel to the end, and from some point, when they are ready for at least some an effort to sustain the liturgy consciously, and the whole of it. And only then - the entire night vigil, and first, too, only its most important moments - what is around the polyeleos, and what is most understandable for children - the doxology, the anointing.
On the one hand, children from a very early age should get used to the church, on the other hand, they should get used to the church precisely as the house of God, and not as a playground for their own pastime. But in some parishes they simply won’t be given this, quickly cutting short and putting in their place not only the children themselves, but also mother and father. In other parishes, where this is taken more gently, such children's communication can flourish in full bloom. However, in this case, parents should not always rush to rejoice that their Manya or Vasya are in such a hurry to go to church on Sunday, because they may be in a hurry not to see God for the Liturgy, but to Dusya, who needs to give a sticker, or to Petya, with whom something important is expected business: Vasya is carrying a tank, and Petya is carrying a cannon, and they are about to rehearse for the Battle of Stalingrad. If we take a closer look at our children, we will see that many interesting things can happen to them in the service.
Young children must be supervised in church. It often happens that mothers and grandmothers come to work with them and set them free, apparently believing that someone else should take care of the children. And they run around the temple, around the church, mischief, fight, and mothers and grandmothers pray. The result is a truly atheistic education. Such children can grow up not only as atheists, but even as god-fighting revolutionaries, since they have lost the sense of reverence for the sacred.
Therefore, every trip to church with a child is a cross for parents and a kind of small feat. And this is how it should be treated. You are now going to the service not just to pray to God, but you will be engaged in the hard work of seriously churching your child. You will help him behave correctly in church, teach him to pray and not be distracted. If you see that he is tired, go out with him to get some air, but don't eat ice cream or count crows. If it is difficult for a child to stand in the stuffiness and he cannot see anything behind the backs of other people, step aside with him, but be sure to be close to him at all times so that he does not feel abandoned in church. An Orthodox family faces a considerable problem when it comes to teaching a boy or woman to pious and reverent behavior in church. It is best considered in relation to several age stages.
The first time is the time of infancy, when nothing yet depends on the child, but a lot already depends on the parents. And here you need to go through the middle - royal - path. On the one hand, it is very important for a child to regularly receive the Holy Mysteries of Christ. Precisely with regularity, and not just at every service. After all, we believe that children do not have their own personal sins, and original sin is washed away for them in the baptismal font. This means that the extent of their assimilation of the grace-filled gifts of the Eucharist is significantly higher than that of the majority of adults, who are either under-confessed, underprepared, scattered, or even sin immediately after Communion, say, by irritation or rejection of those with whom they just approached the same Bowl.
You never know what else. So you can soon lose almost everything. How can a baby lose what is given to him in receiving the Holy Mysteries of Christ? Therefore, the task of parents is not to necessarily bring their baby to Communion every Sunday, but to organize their new way of life in such a way that dad and mom, especially mom, do not forget how to pray at the service and generally attend worship services separately from the child (most often, by the second or third child, parents have already learned this). It is not uncommon when, after the birth of a child, a young mother who previously went to church, loved to pray at services, confessed herself, took communion, suddenly discovers that she does not have such an opportunity, that she can only come to church with her baby, that she only has to go during a short period of the service, since one should not stand through the entire liturgy with a newborn in one’s arms, because his natural humming and sometimes screaming cannot help but distract, and sometimes irritate, testing the patience of the parishioners standing nearby.
At first, the nursing mother grieves because of all this, but then she begins to get used to it. And although she formally repeats crushing words about how long it has been since she really stood in the service, how long it has been since she could seriously prepare for confession and Communion, in reality, little by little, she begins to be more and more satisfied with what You can come to the service not at the beginning, and if you suddenly arrived earlier, then you can go out into the vestibule with other mothers and have pleasant conversations about raising your child, and then briefly go up to the Chalice with him, give him communion and return home. And although everyone understands that such a practice is not good for the soul, nevertheless, unfortunately, it is developed in very many families.
What path should young parents take here? Firstly, by reasonable replacement of each other, and secondly, if there is any possibility, by resorting to the help of grandparents, godparents, friends, a nanny, which a hard-working father can provide for the family, so that one or the other parent , and sometimes they could stand together at the service, not thinking about their own baby, who was present here. This is the initial stage, at which nothing depends on the child.
But now he begins to grow up, he no longer sits in his arms, he already takes his first steps, makes some sounds that gradually turn into words, and then into articulate speech, he begins to live a partly independent life, not determined by us in all respects. How should parents behave with him in church during this period? The most important thing is to understand what the frequency and duration of his presence at the service should be so that it is perceived by the child with the degree of consciousness and responsibility that is available to him at this age.
If he can, with the help of his father and mother encouraging him to be in order, spend ten to fifteen minutes at the liturgy, and then begins to either play with candlesticks, or run with his peers, or simply whine, then ten to fifteen minutes is the maximum period that a small child should be present at the service, and no more. Because otherwise there will be two options, and both of them are bad. Or as he grows up, if there are many peers around, the child will begin to perceive church as a kind of Sunday-holiday kindergarten, or with strict parents who encourage him to behave more orderly in the service, he will begin to outwardly or internally (the latter is even worse) protest against what they do with him. And God forbid we raise such an attitude towards the church in our children. Therefore, in any case, when a child is between the ages of two and five, at least one of his parents must certainly be with him during the service. You can’t decide for yourself: I’ve finally escaped (broke out), I’m standing there praying, there seems to be no obvious disorder, then let my offspring somehow survive this time in free swimming. These are our children, and we are responsible for them before God, before the parish, before the community to which they were brought. And so that there is no temptation, distraction, disorder or noise from them for anyone, one must be extremely attentive to them. Our direct duty of love towards those people with whom we make up this or that parish is to remember that we cannot shift our burdens to someone else.
Then the transitional stage begins, when the child makes a big leap in conscious perception of reality. For different children it can begin at different ages, for some at four or five years old, for others at six or seven, it depends on the spiritual and partly on the psychophysical development of the child. Therefore, at this stage it is very important that the child gradually moves from an intuitive-spiritual perception of worship to a more conscious one. And for this it is necessary to begin to teach him what is happening in the church, to teach him the most important parts of the service, what Communion is.
And you should never, at any age, deceive children, under no circumstances should you say: “Father will give you honey” or “They will give you some tasty, sweet water from a spoon.” Even with a very capricious child, you cannot afford this. But it’s not uncommon that literally at the Chalice, a mother says to her six-year-old child: “Go quickly, the priest will give you some sweets in a spoon.” And it also happens like this: a small man, still unaccustomed to church life, struggles, shouts: “I don’t want to, I won’t!”, and dad and mom lead him to Communion, holding his hands and feet. But, if he is not ready to that extent, wouldn’t it be better, through your own patience and personal prayer, to accustom him time after time to being in church, so that it becomes a joyful meeting with Christ, and not a memory of the violence that was done to him?
Let the child, without understanding the essence, know that he is going to receive communion, that this is a chalice, not a cup, that this is a spoon, not a spoon, and that Communion is something completely special, which does not happen in the rest of life. No falsehood and no coddling on the part of parents should ever take place. Moreover, on the verge of a child’s school age, when the extent of his awareness of what is happening in the church becomes much greater. And for our part, we must take care not to miss this time.
Does this mean that children at six or seven years old can already remain in the service without control from their loved ones? As a rule, no. Therefore, during this period, temptations of a different kind begin. A trick is already appearing: either to run out of the church more often when this or that need suddenly arises, or to sneak away to a corner where mom and dad won’t see and where you can have a pleasant time talking with friends, whisper something in each other’s ears or consider the toys brought. And, of course, not in order to punish for this, but in order to help cope with this temptation, parents should be in service next to their children.
The next stage is the stage of adolescence, when parents need to gradually let the child go from themselves. In Christian education, this is generally a very important life stage, because if before adolescence, the faith of our children was primarily determined by our faith, the faith of some other people who were authoritative for them (priest, godparents, older friends, family friends), then during the transition By adolescence, the child must find his own faith. Now he begins to believe, not because mom and dad believe, or the priest says so, or something else, but because he himself accepts what is said in the “Creed”, and he himself can consciously say: “I I believe,” and not just “We believe” - just as each of us says: “I believe,” although at the liturgy we sing the words of this prayer all together.
And in relation to the behavior of parents in church with their already grown-up children, this general rule of freedom applies. No matter how much we would like the opposite in our hearts, we need to give up total control over what the child does, how he prays, how he crosses himself, whether he shifts from foot to foot, whether he confesses in sufficient detail. Avoid asking questions: where did you go, what did you do, why were you absent for so long? During this transition period, the most we can do is not interfere. Well, then, when the child becomes fully grown, God grant that we can stand together with him in the same parish at the same service and approach the Chalice together of our own free will. But, however, if it happens that we start going to one temple, and he goes to another, there is no need to be upset about this. We need to be upset only if our child does not end up in the church fence at all.
– Is it possible to somehow help children who, due to their age, are already beginning to endure the entire service and at first they are interested, but then they quickly become bored, they get tired, because they understand little?
– It seems to me that this is not a non-existent problem, but a problem that can be solved quite easily if parents take a somewhat responsible attitude towards it. And here we can recall one of the most striking works of Russian literature - “The Summer of the Lord” by Ivan Shmelev, which tells about the feelings and experiences of a five- to seven-year-old child in church. Well, really, Seryozha was not bored during the service! And why? Because life itself was naturally associated with this and there were people living nearby who, firstly, did not find it difficult to stand at the all-night vigil themselves, and secondly, willingly and without a burden to tell him about what was happening in the church, what What a service this is, what a holiday.
But no one took this away from us, and in the same way, having overcome our own laziness, fatigue, and the desire to entrust the religious education of our children to godparents and Sunday school teachers, we always have the opportunity to talk about what happens in the annual cycle of worship, which saint is being commemorated today, retell in your own words the passage from the Gospel that will be read on Sunday. And many many others.
A seven-year-old child (we see this in the example of Sunday school children) in six months easily masters all the rites of the liturgy, perfectly begins to understand the words of the Cherubim song: “Who are the Cherubim secretly forming ...”, to know who the Cherubim are, who secretly portrays them, what the Great is entrance. This is not difficult for children, they remember everything easily, you just need to talk to them about it.
The problem of misunderstanding of the divine service arises among formally churched, but religiously illiterate parents, who themselves do not really understand what is happening at the liturgy, and therefore cannot find the words to explain to their child what the same litanies and antiphons are, and they themselves are bored because of this at worship services.
But a bored person himself will not teach his child to stand with interest at the Sunday liturgy. This is the essence of this problem, and not at all the difficulty of young children understanding the words of the church service. I repeat: children of seven or eight years old do well in the service, and they are quite capable of perceiving the main thing in the liturgy. Well, what could be incomprehensible in the Beatitudes, in the words of the Eucharistic Canon, which can be explained over the course of two or three conversations, in the words of the Lord’s Prayer or the Mother of God prayer “It is worthy to eat,” which they should already learn by this age? It all just seems complicated.”
Read other publications on this topic:
Children in the Temple. Adviсe
Children in the Temple. Orthodox parenting
Why do children stop reaching out to God?
Misha Romanov about behavior in the temple
<< To the main page Raising children >>
Bring a teenager to the temple
A teenager is no longer about “how to bring our children to church,” but about “how to call your adult relative to the service.” Fundamental difference. And one more thing: today we cannot be guided by how we behaved with teenagers and adult children “before.” In the 17th century, there was nowhere for a child to go. And now, if a teenager wants to leave, he will leave. If not physically, then mentally and spiritually. Both from parents and from the temple. Not at 15, but at 18. “Before” the whole society, all relatives - everyone was in a single cultural space, a single system of values. Career, personal life, everyday life - everything was in this single space, and the growing children had nowhere to go. Unless you become a robber. And now? Even among relatives, a teenager can find active support “against the temple” and “against his parents.”
At the same time, teenagers from “church” families do not always leave or even leave the Church. At the age of 12, a normal, living child may himself want to go to the all-night vigil, even if his believing parents do not plan to go to church. At 15, he can stand for two or three hours in church, just in the crowd, and pray the entire service - without insistence and even without the knowledge of his parents. A seventeen-year-old student can stand for the liturgy before classes, and then run to the institute. So in many families, visiting church with the whole family on Sundays, or even on Saturdays and holidays, is not a problem; it is an organic part of life, and not of one family, but of several generations. On the other hand, if our teenager himself joyfully comes to church, this does not mean that he will not leave the Church at 20 or 30 years old. Alas, even monks can become defrocked, priests can renounce the faith. These stories are always bitter and difficult, but they have happened at all times. It's just worth keeping in mind, and just... taking care of yourself first.
The conversation about bringing your teenage children to church is, of course, much more difficult than the conversation about younger children. Too much individuality and too little universality. I myself was a “church teenager”, my friends, my brothers and sisters, my children were also such teenagers or are them right now. And all of these are very different stories, and many have an open ending. So I’ll try to outline just a few practical points on the topic of how to bring a teenager to the service (not about how to lead a child to faith).
It happens that for some reason the confessor or the parish of the parents is “not suitable” for a teenager, while the child has “his own” parish and his “own” priest. If this is so, then, I am sure, there is no need to insist and demand that we “always and always be together.” Preferably together - husband and wife, not parents and adult children. It also happens that relationships with parents are difficult and tough, and often parents - especially mothers - consider themselves the confessors of their children, and a growing person runs away from the oppression of this “total control” to another temple, “independent of mom.” And I’m sure – let him run away! If only because parents still won’t be able to change anything. And in general: if a person wants to go to another church, we should be happy that our child is going to the church. After all, the task is to lead the child to God, and not to keep him close to you.
Children grow up and inevitably separate from their parents. And there is definitely a rethinking of values. Sometimes, as the same Saint Theophan the Recluse says, children of believing parents “swear allegiance to Christ,” and sometimes they renounce Christ. Sometimes they seem to leave the Church, but “not really”, they remain “in search”.
And often teenagers who suddenly refuse to go to church with their parents may not have any “ideological motives”; unfortunately, they may not think about “ideology” at all. And at 18 years old, our children can be very immature emotionally and spiritually. It can be quite calm to find out the reason for the child’s reluctance to go to service. Be prepared for very “disrespectful” reasons. One high school girl from a believing family, as it turned out, did not want to go to church... because of her tights. After all, women wear a skirt to church, which means that in the cold season they will have to wear tights, and she simply hated tights. Another girl refused to leave the house unless she was wearing jeans. From the series “clothing can be anything as long as it’s jeans.” If it’s about such “stupid”, such “base”, but important things for a teenager, I am sure that some kind of compromise can and should be found.
Sometimes a teenager refuses to go to church because he simply wants to sleep. This is a normal and natural desire, because nowadays high school students study almost around the clock. Sunday is the only opportunity to get enough sleep. What should I do? Again, everything is individual, of course, and again I’m not trying to give any recipes.
If, after all, not only Sunday is free, but also Saturday, use this Saturday as a day for “everyone to sleep off.” Let them sleep until 12 - and we will help, organize the kids so that they don’t interfere with the older ones’ sleep. But this is not always possible, because high school students often study on Saturdays. What to do in this situation?
I have heard more than once the advice in such cases: just don’t bring your children to church every Sunday. Let them sleep on their only day off, come to church once a month, for example. But I am sure that in order for children to get enough sleep, you should not miss weekly services. It would be good to go to church regularly, once a week.
And I am sure that a way out can be found. You can get enough sleep and go to church every week with all your children. For example, get up early, come to the beginning of the liturgy less often: only once every three weeks, or once a month, or on holidays. And on the rest of Sundays, let the children sleep off, get up later and come to church as soon as we have time - at least by the end of the late liturgy. You can arrive at some Moscow churches by 12 noon and be in time for Communion. Yes, this means that we will miss the actual liturgy. But we gave communion to our babies, prayed at least a little, listened to the sermon, kissed the cross - this is still better than staying at home. Better than watching TV, doing homework, and mopping the floors on the morning of the Lord's Day. Even if you came to the temple after the holiday, just venerated the icon of the holiday, talked with the priest - everything is better than nothing! After all, we still literally brought the children into the house of God, and with this entry we celebrated Sunday.
There is another option: in case of urgent need, read the so-called liturgy at home, and celebrate Sunday with a special, solemn prayer at home. But still, if possible, it is better to visit the temple. This is how the value of the seventh day is preserved, this is how the rhythm of life at home is preserved, this is how our life is sanctified by the temple and prayer.
Do concerts get in the way?
An interesting question, of course. Often, to any attempts to start a conversation about the behavior of children in any place, including in church, the answer is heard: “It’s a child!” This phrase usually ends stories about how children noisily played catch-up with each other during the service, how a mother could not calm the child down for about 15 minutes, but for some reason did not go out, even if it was possible to go out...
It still seems to me that this is a reduction to the point of absurdity of the indisputable fact that children are different from us. This is a unique form of protection. It seems to parents that all childless people are simply against children.
I specifically asked my childless sister, from whom I sometimes heard complaints that children interfere with services, whether this always happens. She gave a whole list of situations in which children do not interfere in any way - when they somehow make candles, when they calmly walk around the temple, draw, or say something in their own language. Even children lying on the floor do not distract her!
But such children, especially girls in elegant dresses, are a great distraction for their mothers, I thought, remembering my godmother’s story about how her daughter in a white dress lay somewhere on the floor on Easter and, of course, got her dress dirty.
Concerts, of course, disturb both others and parents. Everyone finds it difficult to concentrate on the service, hence the nervous mothers and tense parishioners.
Even worse, the children themselves get tired. After all, children don’t throw concerts just like that. Of course, this is mostly due to fatigue.
To the temple as if it were a holiday
It sounds crazy, but some believing parents wake their children up for church with shouts and accusations. They threaten children: if you don’t go to church, I’ll turn off Wi-Fi/I won’t let you spend the night with a friend/I won’t give you money, etc. In general, they allow themselves to talk about faith, about the Church in irritation, even in rage and real anger. This is probably the main anti-recipe for religious education. And this is a perfectly working anti-recipe.
In addition to this absurd attempt to make children Christians, violating the basic Christian commandments, there is also such a moment. What are we working for? For the short term (today, October 18, bring Vasya to the church to Proskomedia) or long-term (relationships with Vasya in the next 10–20 years; creating conditions that will help the child want to “swear allegiance to the Savior” or at least accept Christian culture as a value )?
In order for our children to want to come to church (again, we are not talking about faith, but simply about visiting church), it seems to me important to launch “joyful” associations. This should not be confused with “payment for visiting the temple”: if you go to the temple, I’ll buy a phone/you’ll go to your favorite camp/I’ll give you 1000 rubles. Such “carrots” are little better than “sticks”, because this is how parents instill in their children: I need the temple, not you; go to temple - do a favor for mom or dad; attending a service is a way to get something from your parents, even just praise. Positive associations are different. This is to make a visit to the temple a special event, a holiday.
For example, when children are small, they should wear something especially elegant to church. Buy something specifically “for the temple.” Bring something tasty to eat after the service. If we live on the outskirts, go to church in the center, take a walk after the service, go to a cafe, or visit. Or go to services in interesting, important places for children - to monasteries, for example, to beautiful cathedrals. It’s especially great to be in a church where our friends and acquaintances come, our friends with children, the same age as our children. If there is an active and healthy parish life, communication after worship, over time our children may make friends among the parishioners. A social circle will be formed that is close and dear to our adult children[2]. It is such a joy when you are 17, and your friends are praying with you in church, and everyone around you is familiar and dear!.. One way or another, it would be nice if on Sundays, on holidays, we had something special , something unusual - not everyday, something that our children are happy about, exactly ours. Then, for both small and adult children, a trip to the temple will in any case be something positive, expected, and festive.
Confession and Communion for children
With children you need to prepare for confession and communion. Before visiting the temple, take the trouble to explain to your son or daughter what will happen to them there.
Communion of children in the temple
If we are talking about confession, then in simple words explain what confession is. Explain who is present at confession, who the priest is and why his participation in the sacrament of confession. You need to meet the priest. He can bring and show the priest in advance, tell him what his unusual clothes mean, why he has a beard, how to approach him correctly, what he will ask during confession.
The same rules apply to the Sacrament of Communion. If the child understands, then tell him what will happen to him at the moment of the sacrament. This manner of communicating with children is respectful. You need to respect your children, admire them, and appreciate them.
Seeing the example of older children, the kids want to join confession - do not refuse them. The priest, in turn, carries out the entire procedure of confession - talks with the baby, covers the stole, reads a prayer of absolution for the remission of sins - this is important for the child and helps to join the service.
Punishment or prayer book?
Photo: Pavel Lisitsyn / RIA Novosti
Many priests still like to repeat the phrase that a child’s illness is a punishment for the sins of his parents. Of course, we have many sins. But why should my child be responsible for me? And most importantly: why is such a child a punishment?
Here is a happy child, why should he be perceived as a disaster? And conversations about this begin in the maternity hospital, where the psychologist told me: “Leave him. After all, with him you will never go to work, you will sit at home. Why do you need that?"
And in the church, too, all this is perceived as a tragedy, and not just as a situation that has developed like this, with which we must continue to live.
I understand that this is not a specifically church problem, but a problem of our entire society. Of course, with some diseases, children constantly suffer. But if their parents are constantly told how bad everything is for them, then such parents can go completely off the rails.
I have a friend whose child has autism spectrum disorder. In the church where she goes, she was told in all seriousness that the child should be reprimanded because one day, approaching Communion, he said: “Meow-meow.”
When she tried to tell the priest what a mental disorder it was, he replied: “You probably have such problems because you had abortions.” The friend objected: “I didn’t have an abortion,” and the priest summed it up: “Well, that means for some other sins of yours.”
Now, if someone with such a child comes to church for the first time, and they tell him this, will he stay in the church after that?
When I, being pregnant with Oleg, had an ultrasound and it became clear that something was wrong, many told me: “Don’t listen to anyone, now everyone is being told that something is wrong.” Only one priest told me: “Don’t worry. Yes, the child will be somewhat unusual, but in a sense you are even lucky because he will be your prayer book.”
Of course, it is sad that in relation to our situation as brothers and sisters in Christ, there is no sense of any “golden mean”: it turns out that Oleg is either a “punishment” or a “prayer book”.
What is there to hide, while Oleg is not a great prayer book (like all of us, by the way). A hooligan boy with Down syndrome. Not our grief, not the great tragedy of our lives, but not an example of obedience.
Yes, he is not a punishment, rather a reward. Oleg is our great joy, as is the neurotypical child Anton, our eldest.
What types of temples are there?
Orthodox churches are large and small, wooden, stone and even concrete. Some look like real cake, like St. Basil's Cathedral on Red Square in Moscow, while others are strict and white, like the Church of the Intercession on the Nerl near the city of Vladimir.
If you look at the temple from above, it will resemble a cross, and right in the middle of this cross there is a dome. Such churches are called cross-domed. A church can have one dome or several - three, five and even twelve. And the Church of the Transfiguration of the Lord on the island of Kizhi is crowned with twenty-two domes.
Cathedral
The main church of the city is called the cathedral. There are two of them in St. Petersburg - Kazansky and Isaakievsky. The most important Orthodox church in Russia is the Cathedral of Christ the Savior in Moscow. The Patriarch serves in it.
Each church has a name - after the name of the saint or significant event in honor of which its main altar is consecrated. Nikolskaya - in honor of St. Nicholas, Kazanskaya - in honor of the Kazan Icon of the Mother of God, Rozhdestvenskaya - in honor of the Nativity of Christ. What is the name of your favorite church?
