The priest fell in love with the parishioner. Can a priest fall in love?

Can a priest fall in love?

Love is a terrible force. Some people are lucky in life and experience it, while others are unlucky and complain all their lives that they invented it. Believe it or not, a priest fell in love with one of my lonely friends with 2 preschool children, I won’t tell you the details, it’s a bestseller.

As a result, he renounced his rank, divorced his wife and now lives happily, legally married, for several years with this woman / despite the blasphemy that God will reward... /. We are all humans…. But living a short life in mutual love is happiness. Maybe a person’s destiny is to live life with love or for the sake of love! ?

The priest is the same person, he also has a heart and eyes, and why shouldn’t he fall in love... Everyone is subject to feelings.

An incident happened in my city, the priest met his first love and left his family and, of course, his service and went to her, what kind of love is that...

Maybe he's not human. I have a friend who fell in love so much that he left the Church where he was rector. They could have formalized their marriage without leaving the Church, but for some reason they did so, he continued to serve in the police and became a good cop, had children, in general, everything was as usual, and babysit grandchildren...

A priest can fall in love like all other mortals, nothing human is alien to them. But according to the canons of holy life, he must fight his feelings, get away from carnal pleasure, because this is a great sin, he must kill his flesh with prayers and fasting and try not to look how the lovely female buttocks sway. But often the opposite happens, he cannot kill the demon in himself and submits to earthly life, has mistresses, engages in drunkenness. And you don’t know whether God is punishing him or not, or whether all this is carefully hidden...

Of course it can, but why not?

Let’s take an Orthodox priest as an example. He must be married, in fact this is a prerequisite. Can't he fall in love with his own wife? Maybe. Let's say he once married her, but somehow there was no time for falling in love. The union took place on a spiritual basis. And a couple of years later I took it and fell in love. I didn’t look at it differently, from the other side. It seems to me that such a priest is not forbidden.

In addition, the word quot;mayquot; can be understood in different ways. This is not quot; shouldquot; and not quot; obligedquot;. For example, I understand this: a priest is also not alien to something earthly, perishable. Including vicious loves, for example. The morality of a priest is one thing, but falling in love is another. Priests are also sinners, things happen to them too. He shouldn't have to do this. But maybe. He's a man. Sinful man.

Anyone can fall in love. But getting married depends on what religion this priest belongs to. Orthodox priests should even have a mother wife. But Catholic priests take a special vow of celibacy, called celibacy.

Every person is alive, including a priest. Of course he can fall in love. And what next? If his rank is one that does not provide for marriage, then everything is complicated. All your life you will drool if you like a woman and not be able to have something with her - then there is a connection. Of course, there are all sorts of ways out of the situation and clergy with a rank higher than the priest get out of this situation. But, one way or another, he needs to leave his diocese for quot; good reasonsquot; - to fall in love on the side where no one knows HIM, even to create a family there. But imagine - what torture it is - to be tormented all your life by the consciousness that you are here, and your family, which you created without right, is somewhere out there. It’s easier that way - to relinquish this rank and get married. Only if the priest and the priest are one and the same, then of course you can get married. And if the rank, where it’s like an oath, is to be without marriage for the rest of your life, then I already wrote .

I’m not a priest, but it so happens that I have been performing some of the functions of a priest for a long time (this is a joke): sometimes they write letters to me in which they tell about their life and/or ask for advice. Almost all of this correspondence remains confidential. Only selected items are published, in exceptional cases and only with the permission of the author of the letter. I thought for a long time whether to publish the letters, but decided that it had to be done. The phenomenon is far from rare and therefore deserves attention and discussion. I just ask you to refrain from judging your neighbor. Throwing a stone is not at all difficult, but, believe me, it will not bring joy to you, the heroine of the letters, or the readers. And most importantly, it will not solve the problem and will not make the world more perfect. Think better about how to solve this problem. It can be solved, in my opinion, simply by the bishops fulfilling their duties, but they approach this issue extremely selectively. However, this problem is far from the only one; the woman raises several questions at once. I can write for a long time, but let's read the letters and discuss them. The letters are published with slight abbreviations so that the heroes and the monastery do not recognize them.

The letters mention Fr. N, who recently left the monastery and got married. Please do not make any assumptions about his personality: he is not a public figure at all and very few people know about him. Moreover, do not make guesses about the monastery. I will categorically not name him; I will immediately answer any assumptions - no, not him. I know several similar stories from different parts of Russia and even abroad. Therefore, there is no point in calling it a monastery. Let's call the place the city of Kitezh and that's the end of it.

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Dear Georgy! I’ve been reading your blog for a long time... I’ve been thinking about it for days... Internally evaluating... I just KNOW from the inside what motivates monks who act like this... I was the mistress of a monk from the N monastery for a long time. Or the woman you love, whatever you want to call it. BY THE WAY, THERE IS NO NEED TO CALL IT - I AM NOT INTERESTED IN OTHER OPINIONS, COMMENTS, ETC. ABOUT THIS, ABSOLUTELY! So everything somehow happened in a whimsical way, not by independence, but by the will of the Lord, because nothing else can explain it. I, a metropolitan and not at all a young lady, never thought about such a turn, much less a monk who lived in a monastery for 25 years, in front of whom thousands of parishioners passed and not a single one of his heart shook before... You are absolutely right about the number of those who left from the brethren. We once looked at monastery photos together (every monk is computerized) both old and new, and to my question “who is this, I’ve never seen something like this at a service,” the answer was “gone a long time ago...” In fact, there were several of the first to come there people out of almost...hundreds currently in the monastery. I asked about the reasons - different. Everyone had their hair cut according to their youth, but a person changes every minute, every year. And made of flesh and blood! Emotional impulses pass... No one can assess their strength in 5-10-15... years, this is “as the Lord will manage!” And they don’t explain to sperm that they can’t be produced anymore. I apologize, I’m a doctor, so I call things by their proper names. And the soul demands to be heard. And this is only in pairs... Because life in a famous monastery is harsh. Like any other, probably. But especially in pretentious ones. Let me quote your words: “What about the abbot? He doesn't care at all. And they only demand money from him and that there be no obvious outrages.” I don’t say anything about money, because... I’m not familiar with the topic; I haven’t rummaged through monastery bills. And about “so that there are no outrages” - 100%!!! And during the shift they recorded all incoming residents after 11 pm... And “we lost the war with mobile phones”... Etc. And everyone is AFRAID of the abbot. His driver says: I’m going with him - and only the legs of a monk flash by, someone shying away in every direction, just so as not to get caught.” God and the Tsar rolled into one :))) And the wonderful practice of snitching? All misdeeds (sins) voiced during confession and causing some concern to the confessor in terms of discipline are reported to the abbot immediately. I was extremely, to the depths of my soul, surprised: what about the secret of confession, and communion before the service? “You are a hieromonk, a priest. Or do you never confess your mortal sin—you serve in fornication and with a dirty soul and hands?” To which I was given the answer “there are no fools, just try to admit it - that’s all...” Hmm. Going to confession, I can’t even imagine that I will lead a double, sophisticated line. “She said about this, she didn’t say about that, so as not to spill the beans.” And the first thought came to me - I am much freer! I have no one to fear, shying away, I have no need to lie, and in front of no one. At a regular parish, Father will always say the right word, which will make me blush with shame or think about how not to do this again. And so I’m growing little by little :) I almost fell out from behind the wheel when I heard a request while driving past a store - “buy sausages, I’m not going to go there with a waist-length beard - it’s fasting.” The pink smoke finally cleared. All “sane” monks have apartments, houses, cars, all sorts of goodies on the table... thanks to the efforts of “friends, benefactors, etc.” I myself have been in that shoes, carrying bags. I was very surprised at this: like a monk, what prompted this healthy, intelligent man, who has a wonderful worldly profession, to go to a monastery, to adapt to all the vicissitudes there (you have to manage this - to live as you want, at the same time avoiding all sorts of problems and trials). Summary: life in a monastery is not for humans. For no one has canceled the human soul and body since creation. There are individual spiritual monsters, but there are only a select few of them in the whole world. Fr. did a wonderful job. N! Honestly and to my liking. For a monastery is first and foremost a prison. With superiors and subordinates, and even with what kind of prison discipline - we never dreamed of! And everyone is lonely... because everyone is afraid of everyone there... The hypocrisy is simply terrifying. What kind of soul is there... it’s not about her... And what is the feat?!! In the struggle - with what difficulties? With your own genitals? That’s also a feat, hmm... With the windmills of church “managers”?! Yes, you cannot overcome them, for their name is army. But to raise a child... and live with that wife for 50 years... bearing all the humility, patience, and hardships - what a feat! The only thing that worries me is Fr.’s desperation. N... like falling into an ice hole - boom! He never knew what it was like - soul to soul... And he’s used to magic - everything happens by itself, just stretch out your hand, spoiled... And then diapers begin, problems with money, and there are quite a lot of years... Worldly worries :). Here you just need to bear each other’s burdens, which are very far from the amazingly made iconostasis...

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Georgy Mikhailovich. I agree with you: modern monasticism is an insoluble problem today... Somehow monasticism does not fit into the world around us... For when healthy men are not responsible for anyone in life, they don’t worry about anything at all, not even once (I was amazed when I received the answer to the question “where do you get clean panties” - “yes in the laundry” the answer, I wish we could all live like that :))) Normal ordinary people just wash them at home themselves :). Concerned only with the fear of not getting into the hands of the abbot-chief and with their own improvement - oh, everyone should have plasma hanging on the wall, the coolest mobile phones, the very best food (“the crab brothers are already sluggishly eating - they’re tired... the benefactor sent from Kamchatka "- Have you lived like this at least once, tired of it? And all the work: in the morning - an akathist for an hour, in the afternoon - another hour of work - such as the blessing of water... I rattled off - and about my business... What prayer rule - what are we talking about? ! :). And at the same time, in this race for worldly pleasures, begging from everyone, anyone... From an iPhone to a car. One remains surprised. In the world, they, being so enterprising, would earn a lot more of these comfortable benefits. I would be ashamed to humiliate myself like that. For the head, arms and legs are in place, the Lord has given everything, work and earn money - I don’t want to... Some kind of obscene trade in the title “father”. They no longer know how to live in the surrounding reality. It’s clear: live like a hermit wolf, shying away from everyone and no one ever asking how you are or what you are doing... For there simply cannot be friends in the monastery, relatives are far away, women are forbidden... Desert. And many things prevent you from breaking away from this feeding trough: desocialization, first of all. There is no longer a profession, registration - “monastery N, fraternal building” (literally word for word, as in the passport), a bunch of serious illnesses... and just a habit - you need to BUILD a life in the world... and not wave a finger - and everything appeared by itself ... Yes, a monk could fall in love - well, at least once in his entire life! The soul - well - it demands its own... And even more so the body. And all together - this is what it is, that same life... As for finding the time and place... Regardless of the monastery walls... Let’s not talk about “the light of the laity - monks,” eh? :))) At first I just had a split brain - the famous gray beard, uncut to the waist, was sleeping next to me... We didn’t see each other for several months after several years of mutual madness. I don’t want to anymore... tear my soul... different roads because... And I haven’t gone to church for some time: there are lies, hypocrisy everywhere... I’m disgusted... and I don’t go to the monastery N - there’s no reason.... That’s why I was amazed at Fr.’s action. N!!! Well done!!! Honestly. May the Lord give him reason and patience... not the kind he called for, the bookish gospel, but the ordinary one - with diapers, his wife’s moods, money-lack of money, self-realization - not by clicking in the direction of parishioners, but by work. Bow to him and healthy children... love, chosen by him, so that he can live life in one breath - this happens too... I have been convinced 1000 times that the ways of the Lord are inscrutable...

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Georgy Mikhailovich, Question No. 2 (About the publication of letters). For whom and why? Are you planning to go to a monastery? They are wearing rose-colored glasses, in another world, and this story will not reach their ears. Ordinary believers? I, a churchgoer, didn’t even want to go to church... But they will disappear altogether. And they will walk by. Why bring confusion into other people's souls? Church officials? Well, they will immediately say “this cannot be, slander against the Russian Orthodox Church in the light of the “unleashed information war”, where the evidence is fantasy, Gupalo went crazy publishing the nonsense of a sick aunt, blah blah” - and you will... hmmm , not looking the best, let's say... Then - who?

I completely agree with your assessment of modern monasticism. It probably originated and was relevant and necessary at the dawn of Christianity (to get away from persecution into the desert somewhere), perhaps - over the centuries of history, individual highly spiritual individuals have learned for themselves and were able to give the world moral criteria... I very much admit that such exist and today. It all depends on the specific individual... But for the most part, today’s observable phenomenon is like in that proverb “not to… anywhere, not to the Red Army.” I very much doubt that waving a saber (about “start writing”, “cool your drunken heads”) etc. - will bring at least some real fruit. From the series of the immortal: “we’re making noise, brother, we’re making noise,” said by Griboyedov oh so long ago:) So “things are still there”:) same. If you want to turn my messages into literary material (a short story, etc.) - no problem! Accordingly, having removed all sorts of coincidences, so as not to substitute the character (the Abbot will simply spoil it) and the ordinary lay people did not turn away. And not from this particular monastery, but simply from faith... I went through this myself and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone else!

These are the three letters. What do you think?

On the benefits of restrictions and the danger of substituting spiritual life

–
Archimandrite Markell (Pavuk), confessor of Kiev theological schools, teacher of asceticism.
Photo: © Natalya Goroshkova/Orthodox Life

– Father, on the eve of Lent we would like to talk about the benefits of abstinence and restrictions. Basically, fasting is considered as gastronomic abstinence, but we wanted to talk about abstinence of feelings and emotions. Let's touch on an old but relevant problem.

The problem of falling in love with monks and clergy is not new, is it? It existed a hundred years ago and earlier.

“This happened before, and it still happens in the Church today. For example, Metropolitan Nikodim (Rotov) recalled that when he was still a young hieromonk and served in one of the rural parishes, girls directly stuck to the windows of his house. They were wondering what the monk was doing in the evening. (Smiles.) This was the man’s temptation. He had to ask the bishop to be transferred to another place.

Archpriest Gleb Kaleda in his book “The Home Church” calls girls and women who are attracted to monks or priests “Rassophiles.” He advises to fight this decisively, to put an end to such relationships, because they are not for the salvation of the soul for either one or the other side.

– What is the reason for such unhealthy relationships?

– We all need care, special treatment, love. The priest - a shepherd by his calling and obedience - tries to pay close attention to each person, to delve into the problem, to help understand the troubles of family relationships and other issues. And such attention is often perceived in a distorted light.

Today, the problem of relationships is acute in many families. People cannot build a home church correctly. And when they come to the priest with their questions, especially if the priest is young and attractive, they open their souls to him. The shepherd finds the right words - and, willy-nilly, the person begins to be carried away by the appearance, beauty, voice, and various virtues of the clergyman. And this, in the end, leads to the fact that the parishioner ceases to hope in God, and relies solely on the object with which he is passionate.

– And he doesn’t come to the temple to God, but to this clergyman...

- Yes. And he is not looking for communion with God, but for communication with a specific priest. A catastrophe occurs—the substitution of Christ, the substitution of spiritual life.

These relationships are built not on some kind of selflessness, but on exclusively spiritual human feelings. And the worst thing is that they are perceived as a pure action of God’s grace.

– What examples are known from church history?

– Such a great saint as John of Kronstadt faced a similar problem. A circle of lovers, mostly female, formed around him. They ran after the priest in crowds and did not allow him to pass. It got to the point that they began to compare him with Christ, and there were even people who wanted to crucify the saint.

– How far does fanaticism go...

– A similar thing happened with Father Tikhon (Agrikov), the famous confessor of the Trinity-Sergei Lavra. Fans were literally chasing him. Thus, the KGB special services also deliberately provoked him to create a scandal. The priest had to hide from these women who provoked him and did not give him the opportunity to mind his own business and serve.

This is a sensitive, acute, difficult problem.

Fyodor Mikhailovich Dostoevsky describes the story that happened to Hierodeacon Neil, a real monk of the Trinity-Sergius Lavra. In his cell were kept the personal valuables of one fan, who helped him in every possible way and idolized him.

But there was also a second ardent fan. And one day, when the hierodeacon went to work, one of these women remained in his cell, and at that time another one came, who also had a key, and saw the first one lying in the monk’s bed. There was a scandal. One accused the other of stealing. There was a trial. These events were leaked to the secular press, which naturally gave rise to great temptation among believers.

– At that time, was Dostoevsky already a deeply church-going person?

- Yes. The turbulent youth has passed, the revolutionary passions have passed. Dostoevsky became an Orthodox believer with conservative views. He writes that the monk was deservedly booed at the trial, but emphasizes that God’s Providence is in everything: it’s good that this abscess has now opened up and Father Neil will no longer have to be cunning and lead a double life. He can repent or simply leave the monastery and serve in the world, without deceiving himself or others.

– Probably all priests have encountered this to one degree or another, especially young ones.

- Undoubtedly. Father Gleb Kaleda advises: “Do not give a reason to those who are looking for a reason.” If such temptations occur, then you need to immediately stop them and advise one or another parishioner to go to another church.

– It is important when the priest remains sober in this matter and does not fall into delusion himself. There are times when a monk encourages this feeling among his parishioners and bathes in it. He enjoys the attention. A monk needs spiritual strength to escape such temptation.

– Today’s difficult and unstable times leave their mark on all areas of life. The struggle to maintain chastity is especially important today. You need to understand that everything begins at the level of thoughts, and imperceptibly a person falls deeper and deeper into this quagmire. Therefore, one should not allow such attractions in one’s thoughts. You can't play with this like fire. Great is the responsibility of every shepherd for the souls he has destroyed.

– Disorder and chaos in the country brings disorder to souls. People are losing ground. What was previously unshakable - loyalty, purity - is now ridiculed and devalued.

- Why is this happening? Why do many people feel lonely, including in their families?

This is due to all of our inherent pride. We think that we are owed everything, that the husband/wife is obligated to show special love and care. At the same time, each of us forgets that we ourselves should give love, and not expect it from others, it is important to bring it to our loved ones and into the world ourselves, to sacrifice ourselves.

And where selfish relationships reign, a crisis ensues and total displeasure grows. There's no love there.

- Someone said that love has one verb - to give.

– Sacrificial relationships, self-giving can only be formed on the basis of correct faith in God, with an understanding of the highest meaning of love, and when faith is weak, then mistrust that arises because of some trifles quickly breaks family ties and people begin to look for hobbies on the side.

– And they deceptively consider this to be the highest love... Although, in addition, there is a selfish desire to receive attention from the priest to one’s person, to feel a special favor.

- This is charm, not love. If a person in love had thought about the soul of a clergyman, she would not have harmed him with her unnecessary attention and unacceptable affection.

- Ossified egoism is observed everywhere, we do not want to infringe on ourselves in any way. There are monks who lead a “glamorous life” worse than in the world...

– It is difficult for a modern person to understand why limit oneself. I recently spoke with a priest who serves in one of the prosperous Western countries. He said: when he tells people that they need to fast, limit themselves, humble themselves in order to overcome this or that passion, they get offended and some stop visiting the temple. People do not accept asceticism, although they agree that they need to do good deeds, engage in social service, but just do not deny themselves anything, do not limit anything.

The result is a large percentage of dementia and insanity. People who do not limit themselves in anything, who have no motivation to overcome themselves for the sake of spiritual growth, often go crazy. Here lies the main cause of the so-called senile insanity.

– Asceticism is unpopular these days and is considered archaic. How do you, a teacher of asceticism, manage to tell young people about the need for it today?

– I am teaching a course on asceticism, the introductory part is the rationale for the discipline and its functional significance. Orthodoxy is built on asceticism; this is the foundation. But, I repeat, today it is more difficult than ever to talk about asceticism.

Nobody likes restrictions. Living and not stressing is the credo of young people.

This false feeling of self-pity, destructive in essence, does not allow a person to develop.

And if a person does not limit himself in anything, he will inevitably become cruel, indifferent, incapable of compassion and rejoicing. And any relationship and his whole life then have an exclusively selfish character.

When a person ceases to distinguish evil from good, when he is fixated on his own person, he becomes sick and dangerous to society.

Interviewed by Natalya Goroshkova

It is very difficult to be friends between a priest and a parishioner. The fact is that if we talk about a parishioner as a spiritual child of a priest, even if not according to the largest Hamburg account, then in order for a priest to truly be both a confessor and a friend, he must be a saint. Then, indeed, his human, ordinary life, in which friendship actually occurs, can in no way confuse or cast doubt on his quality as a confessor.

The fact is that in order for a priest to truly be a confessor, the parishioner must have great confidence in him. The depth of this trust and the depth of how much this parishioner will allow the priest into his soul may be different, but if there is no trust, then no clergy is possible in principle. Priests, like all other people, are far from ideal; they also have their own weaknesses, their own lives, which are not directly connected with divine services, with talking only about God, about some important spiritual issues. In his personal life, a priest is most often an ordinary person who, if he does not commit any serious sins, then in his everyday everyday life, with his everyday conversations and jokes, can seriously disappoint a person who is looking for intimacy with him. And therefore, in most cases, when such a friendship develops and if the priest is truly not a saint, then this priest ceases to be a truly spiritual leader for this person. And this must be understood in advance - both by the priest and his potential friend. Because yes, such friendship is possible, but disappointment is almost inevitable.

And if a person overcomes this disappointment, if he has enough depth, fullness of soul, intelligence, and life experience, then such friendship can be very good and useful. But such a priest, I say again, as a rule, ceases to be a spiritual leader. Although he may remain an interlocutor and advisor.

Priest and old friends

I generally do not believe that childhood or youthful friendship, precisely as friendship, persists into adult life, with rare exceptions. I have acquaintances and friends with whom we studied at school or those with whom we studied at the institute. We still call each other or meet with someone once a year, with someone three times a year. But this is not friendship. This is a memory of friendship. It's good for us to sit together and talk about old times. We trust each other and if anything happens, we are ready to help.

Old school friends sometimes send me their children for serious conversations. And sometimes I communicate with their children more than with them themselves.

The way they accepted the fact of my priesthood has nothing to do with friendship at all. Many people from my past life accepted my conversion to Christianity and my ordination in different ways. Some approved, some disapproved. Friendship has nothing to do with it.

Strong temptation right in the church!

Everything was there. How I cried bitterly when, having recovered from my illness, having fallen in love with him, I remembered that there are monks in the world and that they have a black kamilavka... You can love from a distance, pray, wish the best for your loved one. You can love with all your soul, try to behave in such a way as not to tempt you into thoughts even by appearance or deed. I moved to another region. There I met another priest - exactly the same, almost a double. Dean. Eyes, nose, hairstyle. What is it for? Stupid coincidence. It seems to me that I managed to reconcile myself, leave him - deprive him of my obsessive company for his good, so that he could live calmly and not grieve, but I could not let go. I have been in love with this man for 6 years now. A different love. It seems to me that the Lord taught me this way. This is for me for the sins of my youth - before joining the church. Why wasn’t I born 20 years ago, didn’t end up in a place where he could live or study, and find something remarkable in me... I love him for what he is. For being alive. Because he does good deeds and sometimes through a friend - in her Odnoklassniki friends I see that he is online. I'm sad that I couldn't build good spiritual friendships. After all, during confession he talks to some people for half an hour, but he doesn’t talk to me for even a minute. He hardly speaks at all unless I ask. It’s sad that I’ll never be able to just be there again, carrying the cross of this separation through life. I chose this myself. Maybe someone will appreciate it. I don’t know if he prays for me and if he remembers my name. The main thing is that I remember him. I dedicated 2 poems to him.. But that doesn’t matter anymore. I've been married for 8 months now. Of course, I love my husband as a husband. After all, true Christian love is learned in marriage. In marriage, people learn to love and care for each other. But the feelings for that person remained the same - in their strength, but they were somewhat different - not like at the beginning. Previously, I wanted to talk to him about everything, now I want to be silent with him about nothing.

“Love one another tenderly,” it seems that this statement of the apostle refers to love for your neighbor - for everyone, regardless of interpersonal ties. Also: “Love one another,” we are all told.

One monk, to whom I revealed my terrible secret on Russian Island, recommended that I talk to this priest about my feelings directly and honestly, to hear him answer me that he would probably be better than anyone else in helping to solve this problem. Sometimes I imagine how I will tell him this whole story.. And when I find myself nearby, my common sense does not give free rein to emotions and feelings, as well as courage. Do you think it’s necessary to confess after so many years? I’m gnawed at by this conversation that didn’t take place long ago. Maybe it will become easier? Is it possible to reveal my soul to him so that he knows that I love him both at 18 and at 23, albeit in a slightly different way??? Sorry it's so much. You can’t say it in a few words.

Hello Olga!

Yes, I think he knows about it, a person always feels it. It’s interesting that this priest you’re talking about taught me when I was still a seminarian, and he always taught us that we must maintain a reasonable distance and a certain coldness towards the sisters in Christ, otherwise the evil one is able to impose on us thoughts of falling and bring them to them. You pray for him, as you prayed before, but do not perceive him in your thoughts as a man, since he wears a monastic (angelic) rank. Love him in spirit, as if he were your brother or even grandfather, father or son, try to remove sensuality and sexual overtones from your relationship with him. However, it seems that you are trying to do so.

Priest Andrey

We dismantle the Zhiguli

Serious friendships between adult men require a lot of time and a lot of trust. Although friendships can develop quite quickly. They are always friends for some reason. Someone makes friends about studying together or serving in the army. Some are interested in collecting turtles, others are interested in astronomy.

Friends go to the garage together to disassemble old Zhiguli cars, they are friends there about it. When interest changes, friendship ends. Women are friends, for example, about children. Children have grown up, friendship ends if there is no new reason for friendship. No, they have wonderful feelings for each other, they live well with these memories, they can congratulate each other on their birthdays, invite their grandchildren to christenings. But friendship is something alive now for both. Here are the grandmothers on the bench making friends. And it’s very painful when a grandmother moves to a new area, and her old friend is not there on the bench.

Priest and parishioner

I don't believe in friendship between men and women. It just doesn’t matter whether he’s a priest or not, whether she’s a parishioner or not. Men and women cannot be friends, with some rare exceptions: if she is a crocodile, he is impotent, and so on. And so friendship between a man and a woman always threatens to turn into love. I know people, I'm a priest. In principle, I don’t feel any romanticism in this regard. I have seen so much sin and see it continuously that how can I believe in something good here. Yes, there are priests, I personally know several people who divorced their wives, resigned from the priesthood, or vice versa, did not divorce, but live in fornication. There is no need to be friends with parishioners, especially with female parishioners.

Is loving a priest a sin?

Your falling in love in itself cannot harm anyone. However, most likely, you will still have to sacrifice this love for the sake of your own peace of mind. Unfortunately, church requirements for Orthodox priests are quite harsh. They are prohibited from any extramarital relations with parishioners, an unmarried pastor is forbidden to marry after taking the priesthood, and a married one is not allowed to divorce or remarry (even if his first wife has died). This is explained by the fact that a priest should have only one love (meaning love for God), the priest must maintain moral purity and serve as an example for the flock. In other words, the passion and intrigue of the church minister should not concern him.

That is why your love is unlikely to find a response in the heart of a clergyman. You need to understand that a relationship with you may end in the loss of his church rank. A person who has chosen this share consciously will not give it up for the sake of a relationship with a parishioner. Therefore, your love, alas, is initially doomed to remain unrequited. Finding no way out, this feeling will gnaw at you from the inside, preventing you from living a full life. It’s a pity that you can’t stop yourself from loving a person! You will have to fight this feeling, but we are sure that you will be able to cope.

The priest and the starling

All people go to work, really. Our interactions, limited to our job responsibilities, are work relationships. And when we went to the bathhouse together after work, it was friendship, well, friendship, at least. I understand friendship as broadly as possible - from light friendly relationships to deep and devoted friendships. And the priesthood is much more than just a job. And a priest, in general, should not be friends with any of his parishioners. He can and should understand their lives. They can communicate a lot and deeply. They can and should remember and support each other. But don't be friendly. I'm not saying they don't have the right, but it's better not to. In general, it’s better like a starling. He has a birdhouse in one place, and he gets food a kilometer from the birdhouse. Remember: “If you don’t have a dog, your neighbor won’t poison it, and there won’t be a fight with your friend if you don’t have a friend.” Having friends also means fights, if not physical, then at least some other things - quarrels, disagreements, showdowns. And it’s better that this doesn’t happen in the temple.

The rector appointed me as his favorite parishioner...

Continuing the topic of idealization of the clergy, I believe that it is necessary to touch upon one more aspect of the relationship between the priest and his flock. Many fathers went through this temptation, and many of them did not resist. This is the temptation of parishioners to fall in love.

The parishes are mostly filled with women. But most women in our country have not had a good personal life. Many are divorced, or even more than once, some have single motherhood behind them, some have a turnover of a dozen or two “husbands”, some have early widowhood, some have a difficult marriage with fists, cheating or continuous drunkenness of the husband. In general, this state can be characterized by the phrase “But there is still no happiness.” Where else should an unhappy woman seek consolation if not in a temple? Here, in her last hope, she comes to pour out her tears, and here... And here is He. Father.

People often fall in love with those who listen to them. For example, a psychologist. In Russia, the culture of communication with psychologists is just beginning to take shape. Their role was filled by parish priests for decades. It is especially important for a woman to be listened to, heard, and understood. The priest becomes the person who is always ready to respond to her mental suffering. And not just a person. A man.

The woman begins to feel the need to communicate with him as often as possible, to be needed by him, to be nearby. There is an emotional attachment to the personality of the priest, and often not to his true personality, but to the image born of the performance of official duties. This can be compared to falling in love with an actor, when fans begin to develop feelings for the images created on the screen and identified with the performer’s personality. But movie stars, as a rule, are infinitely far from the common people, but the priest is quite accessible. You can see him every day, you can talk to him, you can touch him. The proximity of the desired object opens up great opportunities for its further conquest.

They say that every priest has fans, and in the lives of most of them, at least once, a situation arose involving a parishioner showing love. It even happens that a woman, for the sake of her “beloved” priest, begins to “go to church” - in quotes, because the true reason for starting a religious life is not the desire to be saved, but the desire to be close to the object of her feelings, and the performance of rituals becomes a pass on the way to achieving the cherished goals are to be close to him. But such stories rarely end well, or rather, never.

A woman's love for a priest cannot be hidden from prying eyes, especially women's. Women generally figure out everything very quickly. It just seems that no one sees or understands anything. In fact, eyes sparkling with love and a happy expression on your face will tell outside observers about everything against your will. And already upon arrival, rumors began to spread, well-wishers reported to my mother, and the situation very quickly became explosive.

The consequences of such infatuation with a priest always first of all hit the priest himself, although in most episodes he is not guilty of causing such feelings in a parishioner. If he is married, then friction may begin between him and his wife, and this is also usually not hidden from prying eyes. If he is a monk or celibate, then nothing good will come of it either - such “adorators” are treated very disapprovingly in parishes. Between parishioners who observe the development of such love stories, discord and embarrassment often begin, and many leave the parish. The news very quickly reaches the ears of the church authorities. Who will suffer in this case? Of course the priest.

You can’t do anything to the admirer; she is not subject to the bishop or dean. But the priest is a subordinate person. He may be transferred to another parish, out of harm's way. Sometimes even to another diocese. The one who caused all these upheavals is okay - in a month she will already be courting another priest, and the family of the injured priest will have to leave with all their belongings and start life anew in a new unusual place. And if the priest, God forbid, reciprocates, then he may well be banned, because according to the canons of the Orthodox Church, one who has been ordained cannot have affairs on the side or remarry.

If this happens, then there is a very high probability that he will never be a priest again. And by the way, very often the cut-off priest loses all attractiveness in the eyes of the parishioner who so diligently sought him, and she evaporates, leaving behind a ruined nest. The priest's family suffers, the parishioners suffer, the authority of the Church is undermined - this is what happens in the end.

Loving a priest is a great temptation for women, and no one is immune from it. Any parishioner: a young girl, the mother of a large family, a respectable madam with gray hair - can succumb to this temptation. It even happens that in a parish several women “love” the priest and unite in a group, between the members of which there is a competing friendship: who presented the richest bouquet for the day of the angel, who was blessed how many times during the day, to whom he said what words. Once, in a parish where the rector was a celibate priest, I had to observe such gossips who literally chased the poor priest, fighting for his attention. They did not allow him to talk on the phone or confess - they constantly loomed before his eyes, got into conversations and at the same time almost pushed each other away from the “beloved” priest. We were able to talk to him only after he locked the church doors from the inside.

An emerging attraction must be fought immediately, when it just arose, as soon as the first coveted thought appeared. It is necessary to avoid temptations, right up to changing the parish, but more often women do exactly the opposite - they rush headlong into the pool of passion, cherishing in their souls the hope of taking possession of the priest. Temptation begins with the desire to be needed - not by the parish, but by him, the priest. Carry a bag to the guardhouse, take him home or to the service, offer to sew up his collar, feed him lunch... Behind seemingly innocent and good actions, there is often hidden a desire to enter the life of a priest with special rights; in essence, these are signals meaning “I want to be with you!". And very often this looks and feels like competition with mother, the priest’s wife, a desire to take her place.

Females should be very careful in their efforts to provide personal services to their superior or caring priest. None of the wives will like such signs of attention, and even mother will not like them. Therefore, if your duties at the parish do not include hemming pockets and carrying bags, it is better not to offer.

What if the priest himself made such a request? You can do it, but without allowing the thought that you are finally being noticed, without feeling triumph over your incompetent mother who is unable to look after her husband, or delight at the fact that you will now play in the life of this priest the biggest role. Or you can refuse, nothing bad will happen.

Of course, such manifestations of sympathy are a reason for serious confession and difficult spiritual struggle. It is difficult to fight passion, especially associated with its carnal manifestation. And here other parishioners can play a significant role. Usually they take a passive position in such situations - they can condemn, be indignant, laugh behind their backs, someone will leave the parish, but rarely do they take an active position and interfere in what is happening. But in vain. Very often it is public opinion that helps bring a woman who is pursuing a priest to her senses. Non-interference is very often perceived as tacit approval, and such “love” itself is perceived as sent from above. There was an incident in the life of a monk I knew when the parishioners simply escorted a girl out of the temple with white hands, and she was finally brought to her senses by a conversation with a friend of the priest, who rather harshly put everything in order.

To avoid such situations and to avoid becoming the culprit of trouble, you need to remember the golden rule: keep your distance. You need to maintain distance in relationships, remember that a priest is not a girlfriend who is always at your disposal and with whom you can have a great heart-to-heart chat. And seriously think about what exactly you want to get by becoming one of your dear father’s favorites.

At a distance

Any leader needs to maintain distance. Not only spiritual, but even simply secular, administrative. As a rule, a director should not be friends with his employees. And the priest is the spiritual leader and, at the same time, administrative if he is the rector of the temple. He should not be friends with anyone in this sense.

I have several examples when I do not confess my friends myself, but send them to familiar priests if they do not have a confessor. But, as a rule, they have their own confessors. People who are friends with other priests confess to me, but they don’t confess to them.

Prepared by Oksana Golovko

The portal “Orthodoxy and the World” and the independent service “Sreda” are conducting a series of discussions about parish life. Every week - a new topic! We will ask all the pressing questions to different priests. If you want to talk about the pain points of Orthodoxy, your experience or vision of problems, write to the editor at

The beginning of an unusual romance

Mila is a simple girl from Riga who dreamed of traveling a lot and discovering new countries. So she chose to work remotely. Together with my brother, I opened an online store. The income allowed Mila to travel a lot. In five years, the girl visited thirty-six countries. But most of all she fell in love with Thailand. The girl was attracted by affordable prices, friendly people and a warm climate. One day, Mila’s friend invited her to go to India and live in a Buddhist temple. And at the same time learn meditation. The girl readily agreed. At the monastery, Mila met the monks. One of them, Ten, spoke good English. In addition, the guy was sociable and friendly. Mila fell madly in love with a monk. An affair began between them. However, the san did not allow Ten to have a relationship with the girl. After all, he took a vow of celibacy. For the sake of starting a family, the guy decided to give up his rank. But, according to local rules, after this the young man had to spend several more months in the monastery. Mila patiently waited for her beloved.