Everyone is familiar with the feeling of resentment. This is a mixed feeling, in which there is pain from humiliation, misunderstanding (“how can this be?”) and a painful need to hear from the offender some correct, necessary words at this very moment. Sound familiar?
What words does the offended person expect? Of course, situations are different, but there are a couple of general points that will help you be more effective in this matter.
Let's see what usually happens. Let's consider a typical situation when someone offended someone.
“I was offended” and “I’m offended”
First, it’s worth understanding the difference between “I was offended” and “I’m offended.”
In the option “I was offended” there is an objective manifestation of negativity in your direction: you were insulted, called names, you were rude, you were rude, your voice was raised at you, you were unfairly accused, you were devalued. In this case, the offender wants to offend you, this is his malicious intent, plan.
You may feel resentful even if the person did not mean to offend you.
What can’t be said about the “I’m offended” option. In this case, it is not the actions, words or actions of the other that become objective, but your feelings. You may feel resentful even if the person did not mean to offend you.
If the emotion of resentment is your feeling, and not the goal of the offender, you should immediately say this directly and openly. The best form of communication is the I message. Its formula is simple: I am the feeling experienced - the cause. It might sound like this:
- “I get offended when you ignore my requests.”
- “I feel a burning resentment when you praise your colleagues to me, please don’t do that.”
- “I’m very upset when you’re late for family dinners, try not to do that again.”
If the actions of another are objectively offensive, if they want to offend you, in response to this you can ask the offender: “Why are you offending me?” Here you don’t have to use I-messages, because the object is not your personal experiences, but the actual behavior of your opponent, that is, his feelings, because of which he seeks to hurt you. Bringing these feelings to the surface is the way to resolve the conflict.
What is a toxic relationship
What to do if you are offended?
Don't care and forget!
This advice is most often given by friends to whom we tell about our grievances. It is not by chance that they give: an offended person is the worst interlocutor; he can only talk about how he was offended. But if we stop talking about our resentment and try to force it out of our memory, it, driven underground, will still poison our existence.
There is also advice on how to overcome resentment - satisfy
her: throw it on another or take revenge.
The second option was brilliantly illustrated by Herluf Bidstrup in the famous comic book. Remember, the boss scolded his subordinate, he came home and yelled at his son, the offended child kicked the dog, the offended dog grabbed his dad’s ass. The circle is closed.
And regarding revenge, which will satisfy the resentment, read Bulgakov’s chapter “How the procurator tried to save Judas from Kiriath” in “The Master and Margarita.”
Resentment is always a message
All human behavior is communication, and it carries a certain message, a message. There is no behavior without a message. Even refusal to communicate is also a message. For example, a man decided to go as a hermit into the Amazon jungle and never see anyone again. In this action you can also “hear” the message:
- “I feel bad with you, I’m leaving”
- or “I cannot live among you because you...”
- or “I am unique, I don’t need anyone”
Feeling resentful is also a message. When you are purposefully offended, this is a message from the offender to you (“you are not important,” “I don’t respect you,” “everything will be my way anyway”). When you show your resentment through specific behavior (ignoring, remaining silent, crying, taking revenge) - this is a different message from you to the offender.
There is no behavior without a message. Even refusal to communicate is also a message.
The purpose of resentment is for the opponent to experience negative feelings. The person who insults you clearly wants to do you harm. A person who is silent because he is offended also wants you to suffer - from helplessness, conscience, guilt.
Method number 1. Never impose your opinion
Example from life: It’s a weekday, everyone is immersed in work. One of the employees, in order to make the other’s work easier, began to advise how best to do it. In response, instead of gratitude, he heard: “I can handle it without outside help!” Of course, he was outraged and did not expect such a turn of events. He came up to help, and this was the answer. In the end, it turned out that their communication ended there, because he harbored a grudge against the defendant.
Remember! Your life remains only your life and no one else's. You decide for yourself what will be best for you.
Resentment between partners
In family and marital relationships, the psychology of resentment is a powerful tool. It seems that in relationships between close people, everyone “should know” what is offensive to the other, and not do or say it. What a great opportunity to be offended by something that someone else “should have guessed.” This is a classic of female grievances!
The fact is that women are more empathic, their emotional intelligence is better developed, and they are more sensitive to hints and undertones. The same is expected from men: empathy at the level of telepathy - “since you love me, you should know or guess.” The conclusion follows from this statement: if you don’t guess and don’t know, it means you don’t love. Women are not offended by the fact that their partner did not think to buy white chrysanthemums on the third Thursday of the month, they are offended by the meaning, the message that they see in this act - “you don’t need me, I’m not dear, you don’t love me.”
Emotional intelligence: why develop it
It happens that resentment is used as a way to manipulate a partner: in order to earn forgiveness, you need to do something. Don't fall into this trap! If you feel like your partner is taking advantage of you in this way, stop and discuss such behavior.
In some cases, the manipulations do not have an insidious plan (“if I’m offended, I’ll get a new fur coat”). This method of communication can be learned in childhood, adopted from the parental style of interaction, and told by the mother as “a woman’s cunning.”
Method number 2. Look only for the positive aspects
This method is one of the most effective. To concentrate on one thing, you need to ignore everything else. I remember the words of one friend: “Concentration can only appear when we say to one phenomenon: “YES,” and to everyone else we say: “NO.”
If you want to eliminate resentment from your life, focus only on the good.
Example: if your manager constantly scolds you, do not rush to be offended by him. Better look for the positive aspects. There may have been times when he once praised you! Some will say, “Our boss never praises us.” Then try to remember, maybe he nodded approvingly after the work you did.
Remember! Your main task is to find positive aspects.
This method will help you remove those grievances that bother you.
Block 6. Resentment. Our mistakes.
What mistakes do we make when talking with our opponent?
1. Phrase: “ There is no point in being offended by me, you yourself behaved incorrectly .” We are essentially saying “ She’s a fool herself .”
2. Phrase: “ These are some kind of childish grievances .” We evaluate the format “ You are an underdeveloped, immature creature .”
3. Phrase: “ You get offended by every little thing .” We evaluate using the form “ You are an inadequate fool .”
4. Phrase: “ You can continue to sulk at me if you like it .” We encourage scaling of RESULTS according to the option “ You are problematic and these are your problems .”
5. Phrase: “ Be offended as much as you like, I will still do what I think is right .” We show hostility and arrogance like “ I don’t care about you, I’m the king .”
What if a person doesn’t want your forgiveness?
It is important to understand that there is always some kind of psychological game behind the phrase “I have never asked anyone for forgiveness.” Why does a person not admit his guilt, what benefit does he derive from this? Therefore, if this is not a person very close to you, it is better to formalize further communication. Not to punish him, but to protect himself. What about your loved ones? We can fight for our loved one by knocking on his heart again and again. And - to reach out. Or... retreat, realizing that this is no longer close.
You don’t have to say this out loud, you have to say it to yourself. A person has done this once or several times and does not consider that he did wrong. So he can do it again, and I have to be ready for it. I don’t hold it against him or be angry, but I just know that this could happen again. Just like I don’t hold a grudge against a thunderstorm, hurricane or earthquake, but at the same time I understand that they pose a danger to me, and I try to somehow protect myself.
Block 3. Resentment. Our delusions.
Some of us believe that over time, grievances are leveled out, as if they resolve on their own, and as proof we point to external, sensory-recorded parameters when the opponent demonstrates signals of “friendly relations.” At the same time, we forget that the other person is capable of playing a role, showing a fake smile, fake interest, fake friendliness, taking on fake commitment and responsibility.
We like to think that our relationship is “OK”, while not digging deeply into our opponent and living “without tension”. Our blindness and false mental comfort are subsequently severely punished. By analogy with the story about a mentally lazy driver who forgot to add oil to the engine of his car and subsequently “ran into an expensive engine replacement.”
The opponent's RESULTS are stored in the attic in his psychic virtual house of RELATIONSHIPS and become overgrown with dust, covered with mold, but do not disappear anywhere. The time comes, a person opens the door, finds the RESULT, washes and polishes it. Pure and again living RESULT whispers into the left ear: “Punish!”
RESULTS can be small and large, new and old, forgotten and relevant, forgiven and unforgiven, against ourselves and others, structured and amorphous, processed and original, destructive and constructive.
Method No. 4. The heart is not a stone: you don’t need to take everything so personally
There will also be people who would not mind deliberately provoking you. This could be anyone, both relatives and your colleagues. You should always make it a rule for yourself that not all people have the proper upbringing.
Some people simply cannot live without conflicts and are drawn to insult someone. The main thing is to learn to remain calm and not take everything so personally.
Many will ask the question: “What needs to be done to not take everything so personally?”
Here are some tips for you:
1. You need to understand for yourself that all troubles are a stage in life. 2. Excessive emotionality will definitely not help solve this or that problem. Give yourself time to think about it. 3. It is important to be charged with positive energy in advance! Therefore, good sleep and proper nutrition will be excellent helpers. 4. Perceive any trouble in life as a new experience provided by life. 5. Learn to translate some situations into humor.
Remember: There are no ideal people in our lives and we should not always expect only good things from a person.
And in some cases you shouldn’t isolate yourself and hold a grudge. There are also moments when, on the contrary, you need to give a good rebuff. Many don't even expect the backlash. And this is a great way to put a person in his place!
You can ask for forgiveness not only with words
Don't forget that there are people who find it very difficult to ask for forgiveness with words. Maybe a person doesn’t want to be offended, but he simply cannot say these three cherished words. But often such people try to show with all their appearance and actions that they were wrong - and thereby apologize to us. Does this count as a request for forgiveness? I think yes. Such behavior often carries much more weight than words, which again lead us to the problem of formalism: “Oh, did I break your leg? Well, excuse me, please."
Method number 9 Release ritual
If you carry grievances within you, then they poison your life. This means that you will not be able to feel like a happy person.
To bring harmony into your life, I suggest you do a small ritual.
1. Find a secluded place for yourself, where no one will disturb you! 2. Take a comfortable position (it is not advisable to cross your arms and legs), close your eyes, inhale deeply and exhale slowly. 3. Mentally imagine your resentment and the place where it may be located. 4. Look at it carefully and say goodbye 5. Imagine how it leaves your body with each exhalation and dissolves in the air like smoke.
