The ability to forgive: what forgiveness and unwillingness to forget grievances gives us

In the lives of each of us there are moments when we are offended or we are offended. In the first case we are in a worse position! Yes Yes! Remember Leo Tolstoy’s phrase that we love people because we give them joy. And at the same time, our hatred is most directed at people because we have caused them pain. So when we offend others, we are in the position of a person who needs to be forgiven. But now we will talk about what the ability to forgive is and what forgiveness gives to those who have offended us.

Every day we face stress, depression, apathy. And, of course, we feel terrible internal discomfort, and the situation literally heats up. In such a situation, it is impossible to do without rude words, actions, insults, etc. Upon returning home, out of fatigue, with accumulated negativity, we attack our loved ones. They do the same. And sometimes, without meaning to, people insult, humiliate, and deceive each other. And this is all life; it is impossible to change its course. But still, the main thing in our power is to be able to forgive and ask for forgiveness.

Someone will object that it’s no big deal – “I was rude, I was rude!” What’s the point of asking for forgiveness?!” In fact, these are not just words, deeds, actions. And a sacrament that changes a person’s life radically.

How to forgive an algorithm

Admit your offense. Sometimes it happens that a person does not know what is bothering him. It seems like there was resentment, but it seems like there wasn’t. Therefore, it is necessary to carefully analyze what actually happened. And if there was trouble, admit it.

Release your anger. You have been offended, you are angry, you want justice to prevail - don’t keep it all to yourself, let off “steam”, fight, shout, free yourself from the burden.

Nothing lasts forever - everything passes, and this too will pass... It is important to understand that in this world nothing lasts forever. Not only joys pass, but also grievances

Believe me, your unpleasant situation primarily harms you, eats you from the inside, and disrupts the rhythm of life.

Look for value. Whatever the situation, there are valuable moments in it, that is, those that give wisdom. And if something unpleasant happens, make the best of it. After all, there is an opinion that our offenders are our Teachers. Apparently they are the very souls thanks to whom we learn to forgive.

Don't blame yourself. Unpleasant situations in which pain is caused to you often become the cause of self-flagellation. If you are tormented by the fact that you allowed a problem, a conflict, to the point where you were offended. This is a really serious situation, which is why it is easier to forgive others than to forgive yourself. This should absolutely not be allowed. Well, you did a lot of business, caused a scandal, asked for insults - well, to hell with it! Forget it! It happens to everyone.

Write yourself a letter. To let go of resentment in moments when emotions surge, simply write a letter to yourself. Start with phrases such as: “I’m very sorry that this happened...”, “Forgive me for that...”, “I am grateful to you for...”. Here we risk running into rejection of these lines by readers.

Someone will say: “Excuse me, why on earth should you start lines with these words if you offended me?” It’s simple, by forgiving others, you also forgive yourself, because in such situations there is not just one culprit. At least two people are to blame - you and...

Talk to the person who hurt you. But do it when your emotions subside. There is no need to sort things out in the midst of a conflict, it will only get worse - you will say a bunch of stupid things again, after which it will be generally difficult to think about a truce. During the conversation, be honest and say how this person’s action or words hurt your soul. You don't have to pretend that you don't care about his relationship. Most likely, you will hear in response that he did not even think of hurting you, everything happened by accident, out of stupidity.

Don't look for justice

Don’t expect justice from the situation; this is generally an individual concept. Some have one, some have another. Another aspect of justice is that when you forgive, you hope, even on a subconscious level, that the offender will be punished. Forgive me, but if we touch on the spiritual side of the issue, you are a natural sinner. Push this thought away from yourself, drive it away. And every time it comes to mind, repeat: “I forgive sincerely, unconditionally and am ready to love this person.”

Be practical

Now let's talk about the mercantile side of the issue. It happens that we get offended over trifles. By the way, this is the most common reason. So, they offended us, asked for forgiveness, and we are in a “pose”! Time passes and we desperately need help and support from this person. What to do, because he sincerely admitted his guilt, and we behaved like an “iron block.” What to do now, how to build bridges with him, restore relations. If you had been reasonable, you would have resolved the conflict immediately. And so you will have to come up with something.

So, we have studied - what is the power of Forgiveness, how useful it is to let go of grievances and the offender. Believe me, there is a great and interesting life ahead. Negative types of emotions - resentment, anger, aggression, anger, envy, greed and others - are an extra burden, ballast that does not allow you to fly freely towards your desires and make your dreams come true. Therefore, stop living in the past, because the offense happened once. Everyone makes mistakes in this life, and you are no exception. Perhaps someday you will accidentally offend someone and ask for forgiveness. Forgive and you will be forgiven!

What is the power of forgiveness?

We build a life at our own discretion, surround ourselves with those who we like, do not spoil our nerves, and bring pleasant and useful emotions. But we forget that ideal people simply do not exist in the world. And we get offended for any reason, thereby increasing our importance. How educated and wise are we ourselves? Don't we have any shortcomings? How often we ourselves can “blurt out” such things that the interlocutor may simply lose the power of speech from insult.

We can be offended in response to someone’s careless phrase, then, after words of forgiveness, throw out a dry “Yes, okay, everything is forgotten.” And we don’t think at all about the one who bears remorse and cannot find a place for himself because he hurt you. Yes, we can do more - forgive the person and continue communication with him, close contacts. But every time we encounter him again, hug, an incredible amount of negativity rises inside us, caused by memories of the actions of our counterpart.

There is a very interesting and instructive parable about forgiveness:

“Two bosom friends walking through the desert argued about something and in the heat of their anger, one of them slapped the other. The blow was so strong that the man felt severe pain. He said nothing in response, stepped aside and wrote in large letters in the sand: “My friend slapped me today.”

They walked on, as if nothing had happened, and reached a green place where water flowed and plants grew. The guys decided to take a dip in the cool river. And at one moment one of them, who received a slap in the face, almost drowned. He was saved by the same one who hit him in the face. And again he wrote, but only on the stone: “My friend saved my life today.”

And his friend asked a question: “When I hit you, you wrote about it in the sand, and when you saved it, on a stone. Why did you choose two different subjects?” He answered him: “When someone offends us, we must write about it in the sand, so that the violent winds will erase the inscription from the face of the Earth, and everything will be forgotten. But if they do good to us, they save us, we must knock it out, mint it on stone, so that nothing can remove or erase this inscription and everyone remembers it.”

What does history say? Yes, that we forget grievances, but always remember the good that our friends, relatives, and even strangers give us. No offense can be compared to the moments when we are given joy, love, life. But in order to learn to forgive insults, let’s first find out what an insult is.

Where do the roots of resentment come from? It all starts from childhood, when our psyche is formed. During these years, anything can harm her: a dysfunctional family, a bad attitude, or excessive adoration by adults.

In the first case, the child is constantly offended, but at the same time they are not allowed to express their emotions. So, he accumulates pain, indignation, aggression in himself and already, as an adult, having felt that after an offense he is being asked for forgiveness, he cannot completely forgive, since there are still a lot of grievances in his soul from those childhood years.

For the latter, those who were loved too much by their parents, the problem is completely different. Everything was forgiven to them, and even if they didn’t do anything wrong, they still asked for forgiveness. We didn’t buy another doll, then another expensive trinket, then an apartment, bought the wrong car, etc. Over the years, all this becomes a habit, and of course, if someone does something wrong and asks for forgiveness, he will have to wait too long. But there is a third reason that not all of us can immediately forgive another person. Why is this so difficult?

Are there times when you don't need to forgive?

No, such moments cannot happen. If we do not let go of the offense to a person, we will not be able to calmly breathe, feel freedom from the pain that was inflicted on us. There are moments that you cannot forget about until the end of your days. Nobody is asking for this. We are not computers from whose memory we can erase everything and create a blank slate. And the pain that we carry in our souls is a stone that pulls a person down, not up. It only seems to us that it is imperceptible, but at the subconscious level we suffer, albeit invisibly.

All this is good, but what to do if something holds you and does not allow you to let go of the offender? How to learn to forgive, and is it possible? Yes, and those who acquire this skill will never face the problem of forgiveness again.

Positive motivation

In friendship, the ability to forgive is very important. The arguments in favor of this statement are as follows:

having freed yourself from grievances, you will become an independent and invulnerable person;
you will be able to recharge yourself with positive energy, conveying a joyful mood to others;
It will be easier for you to communicate with current friends and build relationships with new ones;
the veil that previously prevented you from adequately assessing the situation and people will fall from your eyes;
you will learn to benefit from communication with friends, ignoring negative messages;
you will be interesting to others, because people are always drawn to the strong, wise and independent;
you will get a chance to become a successful person, because negative thoughts will no longer weigh you down and pull you down.

Some more useful tips

It is difficult to build a strong friendship, but you can destroy it with one carelessly spoken word. And the offender is not always to blame for the breakup of a relationship.

Sometimes failure to forgive causes more harm. If you want to get rid of this negative trait, take on board a few more useful tips:

Don't view forgiveness as a sign of weakness. This ability is inherent only to wise and strong people.
Take quarrels and insults as a lesson in fate. After analyzing the situation, you will probably find some meaning in it, the awareness of which will protect you from serious mistakes in the future.
Resentment is inaction. And you must constantly develop and work on yourself. In addition, if you see in yourself the strength and wisdom to adequately teach a person a lesson (not to be confused with revenge), you will also direct him to the right path.
Look at everything with a sense of humor. If in the current situation you find the slightest reason to laugh, then everything is not so bad.

Belief in a just world and its meaning

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Recent research on forgiveness and resentment has been based on the premise that a person must have specific traits to be able to forgive and that the process is not based solely on situational factors. People who are more likely to forgive are less likely to view a given transgression as such if they sincerely believe in a just world. When you seriously believe in a just world, you understand that people may do certain things that will require an apology, but you also understand that every person sometimes does something wrong. In the end, the pain you cause will be equal to the pain that is caused to you. It is very helpful to receive an apology, but people who believe in a just world do not sit still and wait for that apology. The people who actually demand apologies from others (and may not even accept them) are most often the very ones who do not believe in a just world.

What happens during a grudge

The causes of anger and resentment often overlap

First of all, we are offended by the harm that has been done to us. It doesn't matter whether it was done intentionally, by accident, or to teach an important life lesson. We can also be offended by those who have views on some aspect of life that are radically opposite to ours

For example, if you are a vegetarian, you may be offended by how people around you actively consume meat. Any attacks towards your interests can also cause you to be offended. Researchers are confident that ten discrepancies are enough for a person to form a resentment in his head. Another cause of resentment may be unjustified expectations. For example, a girl was expecting to receive a ring as a gift, and her fiancé took her to a restaurant.

People who cannot cope with resentment react to it in different ways. Some begin to come up with a plan for revenge, while others become disillusioned with reality and begin to replay in their heads a happy ending that is not destined to come true. And some even begin to blame themselves for everything or, worse, become completely disappointed in people. What all scenarios have in common is the accumulation of negative emotions.

In order to cope with the burden of grievances every day, a person has to spend a lot of energy. Obviously, in this situation you simply do not have enough vitality to achieve goals, success, happiness, etc. This means that touchiness is a quality that primarily harms you.

What does the word "forgiveness" mean?

There are many misconceptions associated with the concept of “forgiveness” that prevent people from getting rid of negative emotions. Forgiveness does not remove responsibility from the person who inflicted the insult, but changes the attitude of the victim to the situation. Accordingly, if the offender has violated the law, he must suffer the due punishment - this is not revenge, but a normal practice in all developed countries.

The second myth is pseudo-forgiveness. Some people find it easier to say “I forgive” than to understand the causes of their pain and resentment. This approach does not solve the problem, but only aggravates it, driving negative emotions into the distant corners of memory, where they can live for a long time.

The last misconception concerns the quick forgiveness of offenses. It is only possible in cases where a person’s foot has been stepped on or coffee has been spilled on him. If the insult caused a deep wound, you will not be able to quickly forget about the incident - this is a normal feature of the human psyche, for which you should not blame yourself. Experiencing any negative situation goes through several stages: denial, non-acceptance, anger, depression, enlightenment (humility). Quick forgiveness means an instant transition from the first stage to the last, which is almost impossible to achieve in real life.

How to learn to forgive

Is it important to forgive in friendships? Undoubtedly. Even between the closest people, disagreements and misunderstandings can arise.

Imagine that you have broken off all relations with a friend, harbored a grudge against him, and made new acquaintances. But will the next relationship be perfect? Hardly. Most likely, they will be accompanied by the same disagreements and quarrels. Thus, grievances will accumulate, destroying you from the inside. To avoid this, learn to forgive:

come to the realization that grievances are bothering you and that you want to get rid of them;
try not to see the offender for some time, so as not to fuel your anger;
if you do not know exactly the motives for an action, do not try to fantasize about it;
if the offender tries to contact you to explain himself, give him this opportunity;
make a list of your shortcomings - it is quite possible that you have the same sins as your offender, and by forgiving him, you will forgive yourself.

Practical recommendations

There are several ways to forgive a person, but they will only work if you really understand why it is important to forgive and why you need it. Letter

Take a blank sheet of paper and a pen. Describe in detail all your grievances against a specific person, what causes you anger and irritation, you can even describe situations. Write everything that comes to your mind, describe all your emotions and thoughts. End the letter with the phrase “I free myself from grievances, worries and negative emotions. I forgive and thank you for everything. I thank the Almighty and the Universe for the ability to forgive. I open my heart and my soul to love, kindness and happiness!”

Talk. After your emotions have subsided, you should talk to the offender and try to convey to him why any moment is unpleasant to you. Perhaps your interlocutor will report that he did not even want to offend you.

Professional help. If you have been storing up grievances for a long time, holding back your emotions and losing trust in a particular person, then it will be difficult for you to forgive the offender on your own. The right decision would be to contact a professional psychologist or a systemic constellation center, where they will help you understand yourself, tell you why it is important to forgive, how to forgive a person and start living from scratch.

I can’t think Write

Losing friends is always unpleasant and sad, especially if these people are very close and dear to you. But it is impossible to continue friendly relations if you are eaten up from the inside by a feeling of resentment. To eradicate it, you need to take time for introspection. But not all people are given the opportunity to immerse themselves in themselves, deeply rethinking what is happening. If you consider yourself in this category, express all your feelings in writing. Imagine that you have to write a report in which you must prove to the reader (in this case, yourself) that your grievance is indeed justified. Give answers to the following questions:

What exactly are you offended by?
What detail caught your eye the most?
Do you have the same negative qualities in yourself?

Oddly enough, many people “cut off” at this point. By bringing oneself to frankness, a person begins to understand that there are no significant reasons for being offended, and if they do exist, you must determine the reasons that led to the conflict situation. Perhaps you created it yourself. Or maybe this is some kind of sign of fate. And, of course, don’t forget to develop an “anti-crisis plan”:

How will you handle such situations from now on?
What positive experiences can you draw from?
How will you maintain your relationship with the offender?

Meditation on forgiveness of grievances

Close your eyes and focus on your breathing.
When you feel that you have concentrated enough, imagine yourself in a safe place. It can be indoors or outdoors - the main thing is that you feel completely safe.
In the center of this space is a cabinet with many drawers.
All boxes are labeled. The labels indicate the offenses that you have to forgive.
Select one of the drawers and open it. Inside, crumpled or neatly folded, lie all the thoughts and feelings that what happened caused you.
You can empty this box.
Hold the offense up to the light and examine it.
Uncover the resentment you were feeling and put it aside.
Smooth out the pain and let it slowly rise up and disappear into the sunlight.
If any thoughts or feelings feel too strong or too heavy, put them aside to deal with later.
When the box is empty, sit with it on your lap for a while.
Then rip off the tag.
After tearing off the label, you will see that the box has turned into sand and scattered in the wind. You don't need him anymore.
There is no room left in the closet for this resentment.
If there are other drawers in the closet that need to be cleaned, repeat the meditation immediately or a little later.

Essay on the topic What is the ability to forgive

Situations and conflicts very often occur in our lives that lead to resentment and disagreements, misunderstandings and quarrels. It is sometimes very difficult to understand the current circumstances, and pride does not allow us to forgive each other. That’s why we so often lose friends and loved ones, harboring a grudge against them deep in our hearts. Many of us don't know how to forgive.

One cannot but agree that quarrels and moments in life are very different. It is difficult to forgive betrayal, lies, slander or deception. But by harboring resentment, we only make things worse for ourselves. And sometimes obstinacy and stubbornness prevent you from renewing friendship even with the closest people.

I was once very offended by my younger brother because he broke my favorite cup. The parents tried to explain that he was small and it was not right to react and be offended like that. I have to forgive him because he is my loved one. My brother also came up and apologized, but I continued to sulk and didn’t understand why I should just forgive. After all, it was my favorite cup!

A day passed, and I realized how difficult it was for me to ignore my brother and how boring it was to play alone

That you can buy more than one cup, but your brother’s attention and our brotherly friendship cannot be valued with any money. I forgave him and will never be so offended by anyone again

The main thing is to immediately understand the situation, and not hot-temperedly push away the person who has realized his mistake and is already trying to apologize for it.

The ability to forgive, as well as admitting one’s wrong and asking for forgiveness, are qualities of a strong and cultured person. This is difficult, because not everyone can overcome their anger and resentment, as well as realize their mistakes.

How to learn to forgive? It is enough to imagine yourself in the place of the offender, how he feels now, what he experiences when he asks for forgiveness, but is not accepted. We all make mistakes, and it will be unpleasant for everyone if they cannot be forgiven. You must always forgive from a pure heart. Only then will you no longer remember this situation or conflict, and you will not reproach it.

My opinion is that you should always forgive any offense, even betrayal and lies. Forgive, but draw conclusions from each situation, and no longer trust so much and not open up, or stop communicating altogether, but be sure to forgive. We have no right to judge the actions of others, this is their life and choice.

Forgiveness is generosity, and it can help make the world a kinder place. Let's each start with ourselves.

How does religion view forgiveness?

Any religion, be it Orthodox, Judaism, Islam, Buddhism and others, treats this issue almost the same way - forgiveness is a positive quality. He who forgives receives God's blessing. There is even a holiday in which everyone asks each other for forgiveness and immediately forgives. But this is an automatic ritual, different from specific moments when you need to forgive seriously, having analyzed the situation.

There is also a well-known dogma - if you forgive others, then God forgives you too. Remember the words from the prayer “Our Father: Lord, forgive me my sins, as I forgive my debtors.” Here the word debtor is considered as “offender”. So forgiveness is the best step for each of us.

Parable about forgiveness:

This mythical story allows us to look at those who have offended us with a different look, in which there is a lot of Light and awareness. It helps to sincerely thank the one who inflicted a spiritual wound, since according to higher knowledge, they are our Teachers, teaching us life and righteousness.

“Before incarnating on Earth, Souls gathered in heaven. And the Lord God asked one of them why she was going to Earth? She answered to learn to forgive. Who should we forgive if all souls are pure, bright, beautiful? They are sincere and love each other so much that they are not able to do anything for which they should forgive.

Turning around and looking at her sisters, the soul realized that she also loved them very much. And then she became sad and said that she really wanted to learn to forgive!

Then one of her sisters came up and said that there was no need to grieve. She is ready to go to Earth with her and help her feel that same forgiveness. She agreed to become her husband and do everything to later ask for forgiveness - drink, cheat.

The Third Soul also did not remain indifferent and said that she would be her mother, and from childhood she would begin to blame, scold, punish, interfere with her life, and she would again forgive in return.

Then the fourth Soul approached her and said that on Earth he would become her boss and would scold her for everything, deprive her of bonuses, force her to work long hours, be unfair and cruel, for which he would have to forgive her.

The next one decided to become an unjust, evil mother-in-law, etc. So all her Soul sisters approached her and together they figured out how to live on Earth and what the scenario should be in order to constantly ask each other for forgiveness and forgive. But once on Earth, each of them forgot about Herself, and even more so about the scenario that had been prepared.

What does it mean to be able to forgive

There is an opinion that to forgive a person is to justify him in your own eyes and in the eyes of the people around you. As if a simple and already trivial word “sorry” can seal, like a band-aid, the still unhealed wound of the person that you offended.

By accepting this point of view, we automatically include ourselves in the list of those people whom we can insult with impunity, without thinking at all that we may not forgive. “I’ll just say one word, completely unrepentant of my action, and he’ll calmly forgive me,” this is what people usually think when such “humble” individuals calmly allow themselves to be insulted. However, patience with humiliation is far from forgiveness.

By forgiving a person, you change your attitude towards him and the situation that happened. You cease to be connected with him, as if you let him go from yourself. You still realize that he is wrong, but realizing that he will not treat you better than now, you forgive him your offense, parting with him forever. However, if you see that a person was able to realize his mistakes and take a step towards change, then you should definitely give him a second chance. Although it’s still not worth leading into a trend. If a person cannot change and stop offending you, then you should break up with him forever.

The ability to forgive protects you from offenders, liars, and traitors. This is a real shield that stands in front of your soul, preventing you from taking all the evil around you to heart.

It is very important to learn to forgive in order to protect yourself from these external mental influences.

Option 2

The ability to forgive is one of the most important components of human contact. First of all, the one who is unable to forgive an insult suffers; insult is a soul-destroying burden that eats away the purity of intentions and hardens even the most tender creatures.

Sometimes it happens that there was no reason for grievances at all, but we so rarely give the opportunity to someone else to voice our feelings, because we so cherish our own grievances

As if this is not a heaviness that poisons our lives, but something valuable and important feeling. The problem with humanity is precisely that we really want to be heard, but we don’t want to listen at all.

But in fact, everything is put together simply; you shouldn’t close yourself off from the outside world just because something went wrong today. Everything in the world can be solved without unnecessary losses. This does not mean at all that it is worth forgiving everything in the world, of course, there are situations when a person is simply obliged to leave your destiny, but even so, it is worth forgiving him, no matter what he does in relation to your feelings, first of all for himself . Pure thoughts and freedom from offense open up new roads, new experiences and a whole world for us.

The trouble with humanity is precisely that we really want to be heard, but we don’t want to listen at all. But in fact, everything is put together simply; you shouldn’t close yourself off from the outside world just because something went wrong today. Everything in the world can be solved without unnecessary losses. This does not mean at all that it is worth forgiving everything in the world, of course, there are situations when a person is simply obliged to leave your destiny, but even so, it is worth forgiving him, no matter what he does in relation to your feelings, first of all for himself . Pure thoughts and freedom from offense open up new roads, new experiences and a whole world for us.

It also happens that the blame is yours, knowing this is difficult and unpleasant, especially if you offended someone completely unintentionally, with a hot, thoughtless word, and now both you and your family are lonely. Pride is a worthy quality, but pride separates loved ones, so think twice about whether to turn up your nose and still give in to sadness if the incident can be settled and everything will return to normal.

People should be a little kinder to loved ones and just good people, it is a kind word that makes us a little better, a little discovery. But in anger we speak without thinking through the consequences, and this leads to terrible consequences.

Once we start saying a good word to those around us, we undoubtedly have something to thank each of our acquaintances for, because it is not for nothing that we have surrounded ourselves with these very people. And a smile will definitely follow in response, we all want the same thing, we want to be heard and appreciated, and we can give all this to each other without making much effort. And you will see how not only you yourself, but also those close to you change from the inside.

The older you become, the less you want to take revenge on someone.

Have you ever had to forgive someone?
Yuri Buziashvili:

Yes, sure. At the same time, we constantly have to maneuver between the fact that, by forgiving someone’s bad act, we may encourage the guilty person to commit an even more disgusting act, and the fact that he who knows how to forgive increases his power. Moreover, the older you become, the less you want to take revenge on someone. It is human nature to make mistakes, but God's providence of forgiveness is not inherent to everyone. Life is short, and carrying a grudge against someone for years, hatching plans for revenge, and spending mental strength on it seems to me an unacceptable waste. Forgiveness makes life easier. It is also healthier for health than resentment, which is probably where religion comes from when calling for forgiveness. A person who knows how to forgive is usually happier than one who does not know how to forgive. And of two interlocutors, the one who makes barbs at the other always looks worse than the one who serves as a target for critical arrows. The desire to offend, hurt, or point out a person’s shortcomings does not lead to anything good. At school, children sometimes focus attention on the anatomical and physiological defects of their peers - they laugh at someone who stutters, they tease someone who is overly well-fed... A mature, sensible person will never allow himself to do this. But the same code, I believe, should apply to human actions, even if sometimes ugly. The ability to forgive is practically the ability to understand. Anyone who has not learned to forgive, much less seek forgiveness, has not matured.

It is difficult for a decent person to forgive himself. But sometimes you have to

They say to understand means to forgive. But does it happen that you can understand, but cannot forgive?

Yuri Buziashvili:

This is exactly what happens most often. I will never forget one handsome young Armenian with whom I flew to Los Angeles. We talked with him for several hours. I realized that the meaning of his life was to prove the genocide of the Armenian people and take revenge. But there is another example. Remember the movie “The Godfather”, that episode when the heads of five families gather and Don Corleone calls for peace. “How did it happen that everything went this far? I don't know. It's so sad, so worthless. Tattaglia lost his son, and I lost my son. We're even. If Tattaglia agrees, I'm ready to let things go back to normal." “We are grateful to Don Corleone for this meeting. We know him as a man of his word, a humble and wise man.” Don Corleone forgives the murder of his son in the name of the future. So that it doesn't get worse in the future. After all, sometimes the biggest victory is forgiveness.

Do you easily forgive your subordinates' mistakes and miscalculations?

Yuri Buziashvili:

Bernard Shaw said: “Youth, which forgives nothing, forgives everything. Old age, which forgives itself everything, is forgiven nothing.” I have been leading the team for a long time and I can say that even in such an insignificant period for the country, time has changed. What was considered reprehensible thirty years ago is not prohibited today, and vice versa. Returning to your question, I always try to put myself in the shoes of the guilty person in order to understand him. Judge for yourself, is the pasted-on radiance of junior medical staff in Europe really worth much more than the forced smile of our nurse? Just imagine for a moment the apartment of this nurse after a hard day at work. Imagine her life, her surroundings, her emotional impulses and thoughts about the future - and you will understand that with such a life, thank you that at least she does not rush at people. That's why I forgive her. Forgiveness is the medicine. Medicine for yourself, medicine for others. The power of forgiveness is available to everyone, especially leaders. But there are things that cannot be forgiven. It is hardly possible, for example, to forgive a person who pretended to be a friend, but in the end turned out to be an enemy. It is hardly possible to forgive your spouse, while living with whom you thought that you had a family home, but, it turns out, you never had one, and this is discovered twenty years later, when it is too late for you to start something. No, not everything can be forgiven.

Negative motivation

The ability to understand and forgive is not inherent in everyone. Even understanding all the positive results of such an act, people cannot let go of their grievances. Then negative motivation comes to the rescue. So, if you continue to accumulate grievances, the following will happen:

the resentment that you have not forgiven begins to grow over time, causing you to suffer;
if you cannot cope with one grievance, you will not cope with others, and, as practice shows, there are more and more of them every year;
due to strong emotional stress, you can lead yourself to nervous exhaustion or serious illness;
inability to forgive means constant conflicts, which jeopardizes not only communication with friends, but also family life;
resentment prevents you from enjoying life;
the desire for revenge can push you to rash actions that you will regret.

Forgiveness preserves physical and mental health

The anger and resentment that a person keeps within himself for a long time very soon begins to have a destructive effect not only on the psyche, but also on the physical state of a person.

Anger and incontinence in emotions are a state of mind that deals the heaviest blow, first of all, to the health of the person himself.

If you train yourself to feel anger, even in small quantities, you will soon become unable to distinguish between what is normal and what is not. The habit of expressing sudden aggressive emotions produces excess adrenaline in the body, and very quickly such a person becomes adrenoline-dependent and unbalanced.

During moments of stress and anger, our body releases certain types of enzymes that increase blood pressure and cholesterol levels in the blood. Aggressiveness and anger also cause an increased process of production of certain protein cells in the blood, which provoke the occurrence of various infectious diseases in the blood.

Anger and malice are extremely harmful to the normal functioning of the heart. Hot temper and lack of restraint are a direct road to a heart attack.

People who react to a stressful situation with outbursts of anger and emotional incontinence, resentment and bitterness are more susceptible to various heart diseases than good-natured people.

Forgiveness reduces the danger of malice, anger, and depression having a negative impact on a person’s health and relieves a person of all the negative consequences of conflicts, helping him maintain both physical and mental health.

There is no doubt that forgiveness and mercy are the main components of a healthy human existence. They are undoubtedly the most important positive character traits that all people should develop.

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What is resentment?

Resentment is pride, hurt pride, unrealized illusions and even dissatisfaction with oneself. But how to cope with the habit of being offended and the inability to forgive people?

First, you need to understand that by holding a grudge, you will make things worse not for the offender, but for yourself. This ruins your mood for the whole day, at least, or even years. What happens to the soul and mind? What emotions do you experience when you feel like you have been insulted or humiliated? Surely this is anger, rage, irritation, disappointment. Negative emotions and thoughts can undermine your physical health and lead to serious illnesses.

Even in the distant past, wise grandmothers said that all diseases are caused by nerves. Imagine that some minor grievances can lead you to serious health problems. Do such prospects attract you or would you like to see yourself in the future as a healthy, happy and successful person? Most likely, you are leaning towards the second option, so start with yourself and learn to forgive people.

Forgiveness = anti-stress and a little more

From a neurobiological perspective, forgiveness is a successful coping strategy under stress that works for three reasons. Firstly, it directly neutralizes the negative impact of resentment: reduces the stress reaction, normalizes blood pressure and heart function, and reduces cortisol levels. Secondly, it indirectly helps to change the external emotional background, for example, relationships in a team, for the better. Thirdly, it changes the internal state, generating positive emotions. According to the Mayo Clinic, forgiveness can lead to reduced symptoms of depression, improved mood and mental health, and increased self-esteem. But the effect is not limited to the emotional sphere. One experiment demonstrated that sincere forgiveness even improved the immune status of patients with HIV.

Option 2

Many people think that they cannot forgive because they remember everything that they experienced in difficult times. But this is a normal phenomenon when a person does not forget about some such events in his life. If you forgive an enemy or offender, this does not mean that you have forever forgotten the quarrel, fight, robbery or other terrible incident. No, no one will ever make you forget unpleasant events. The experience can remain in your memory forever.

It is quite easy to understand whether you have forgiven a person or not. For example, if you truly forgive a person, then when you remember specific events, you will no longer feel a sharp pain in your heart, you will not have hatred and anger towards the offender. And besides pity for the enemy, you will not feel anything. This means that you have forgiven, you are ready to extend the hand of friendship to this person and no longer remember out loud certain events of your life, never remind him of his evil deeds, and so on. Forgiveness is not easy, but you have to do it. You should always remember that forgiveness has a bad effect on people, and evil people grow old and die earlier.

Observing the lives of hundreds of people, it becomes clear: the ability to forgive is not just a virtue, it is a real talent. This is a quality that needs to be developed by working hard on yourself and changing. There are lucky people for whom it costs almost nothing to forgive

And others need to make a lot of effort, spend sleepless nights, realizing everything, and only then will they be ready to make such an important decision and make reconciliation

When we forgive a person, we let him go with goodness, and goodness, as you know, tends to return. If people all over the world finally learned the ability to forgive, then there would not be so many wars, murders and robberies. People will strive for peace at any cost. The world will be filled with light and smiles, it will be easier to breathe if millions of people get rid of resentment and bitterness and begin to enjoy life again.

We need to learn to understand people and treat them with tolerance. After all, a vulnerable person may become offended in a situation where you don't expect it. You shouldn't offend people like that. This will never lead to good. We are all different people with different characters and each lives in our own way.

There are two categories of people: vulnerable and cheerful, who are easily offended but forgive quickly because they are tired of experiencing negative emotions for a certain period of time. And there are people who very rarely show their emotions; they even seem mean and rude. It is difficult to offend such people, but they themselves can easily offend anyone.

Forgive me... such simple words and how much power they have. The word “forgive” can bring people back to life and give them a feeling of joy and fun. Why ruin the life of a person and yourself?

What to do if you are offended

First of all, you don’t need to cherish and nurse your offense. On the contrary, you need to abstract yourself from it and stop constantly scrolling through it. Some are so carried away by their offended situation that they are ready to tell everyone they meet about it. It feels like they have got a flag in their hands, which they proudly carry in front of them and let everyone know “I was offended!”

It is important to start with your subconscious; if you fail to forgive a person, then the resentment will eat away from the inside like rust and cause damage to the psyche. Even worse, it will burst out and you will not be able to contain your emotions.

First of all, this feeling is part of our egoism. This is a negative type of emotion that does not carry anything useful for a person. Rather, on the contrary - because of resentment, we break ties, do not tell the truth, and the effect of understatement and mistrust arises. Resentment can plunge a person into depression and suffering; it literally takes away our health, strength, energy and prevents us from communicating with those who are dear to us. The culprit is self-centered behavior, at the forefront of which our pride rises royally - one of the most terrible sins of humanity, because of which all other sins arise.

Experts in human psychology are confident that resentment is a disease that needs to be treated. If you start the process, serious mental problems will arise. A touchy person is nothing compared to someone who believes that everyone is just waiting to hurt him, wants to insult him, humiliate him. That is, this state can be compared to paranoia, towards which he is moving with the right steps. But in fact, a person suffers because of a non-existent phenomenon that he invented in his fantasy.

Each individual case must be examined in detail. A full analysis of what happened and why is required. You need to understand that words or actions are not always done in order to cause pain. Sometimes this is a completely fair, valuable remark.

Life story:

Marina and Katya have been best friends since 6th grade. The first was free, relaxed, the second was more modest, shy. But both were pretty, smart girls. It so happened that after graduation their paths diverged for some time. Katya got married and moved to another city. A child was born there, but family life did not work out for a long time, and now, 7 years later, tired of the tyranny of her drug-addicted husband, Ekaterina returned to her hometown.

And Marina was still alone. She graduated from medical school and began working at a local clinic. Upon returning, Katya, of course, wanted to meet her friend and spend time with her. The parents without a word let their daughter have fun - she still has the right to rest at least a little. Leaving her beloved son with his grandparents, she went to a nearby bar with a friend. Another one joined them, her name was Masha. She was a couple of years younger than them and became friends with Marina while Katyusha lived in another city.

So, in the middle of the evening, the girls sat and had a nice conversation. And as usually happens, a man approached their table and offered his company. Katya immediately snapped and made it clear that he had messed up something. He needs to sit down with others who are not against the development of events (you understand). The other two girlfriends were simply silent.

Then something stranger began to happen. Masha and Marina went to dance; they were slightly drunk. Katyusha controlled herself, after all, she had a child at home, and simply watched her friends. First one man, then another, began to approach them. And each of them was completely okay with plunging into an almost intimate dance with each of the drinking guests of the cafe.

Katya decided that Marina was simply drunk, which is why she behaved this way. I had no doubt about Masha - she was always distinguished by her dissolute disposition. She approached her beloved friend several times and asked her to step aside. She wanted so badly to stop Marina, but she wouldn’t let up. The evening ended with the girls quarreling. Moreover, Katya did not understand at all why Marina rudely drove her home and asked her to leave her and Masha alone.

Only the next morning, when her parents woke up and talked about Marina’s life, did she understand that she had begun to lead a too “free” lifestyle. Of course, she didn’t want to see the one she had missed all these years anymore. About 5 months passed, and they again found themselves in the same company, but this time a decent one. There they talked and made peace. Katya forgave Marina, although it was useless. Why? Judge further.

Marina never stopped and began to appear more and more often in conversations between men. Each one talked about what a “pleasant” time they had with her. These conversations were conveyed to Katyusha by her brother, saying that they speak very badly about your friend. Katya immediately went to her and told her everything and asked her to be more careful. She did not believe that these people were telling the truth and stood up for her friend. As a result, Marina became angry with Katya and for some reason accused her of gossip. Here, of course, the break was final. Katya never communicated with the loving girl again, although she understood that this was her personal matter. She just couldn’t forgive her for the insult.

As we see, it doesn’t always make sense to forgive a person. Although no, you need to forgive, but there is no point in entering the same river again. If a person once intentionally hurt you, he will repeat it. It is impossible to change character, much less habits, habits, and physiological characteristics of the body.

Forgive and let go

The ability to forgive is a characteristic of strong people. But this does not always mean maintaining the same friendships. In some cases, it is better not just to forgive, but to let the person go:

A person is constantly trying to humiliate you in order to look better compared to you. Even if you are generous and forgive him, your relationship will most likely continue as before. It's better to let such a friend go.
The man committed treason. For example, you told someone your secret or set someone up at work. Having decided on this, he hardly thought about your friendship. Of course, you shouldn’t harbor a grudge, but it’s also better not to maintain close relationships.
The person is pursuing material gain by communicating with you. Having unraveled such a catch, you will understand that friendship is not worth maintaining.
The person has forgotten about you and does not contact you. Of course, this is a shame, but even the closest friends cannot always be together, because everyone has their own life. In addition, this can be a test of strength.
If your friend did something bad to you out of fear of incurring losses or ruining relationships with some people important to him, let him go. It’s not a fact that he won’t do the same next time.

The Purpose of Forgiveness

In human nature, everything is built in such a way that we look for benefits everywhere. This also applies to forgiveness: the person you offended must be motivated. Those. he wants to benefit from forgiving his offender. After all, by and large, the importance of forgiveness is not explained to us.

Let's think about it... Why do people admire the ability to forgive so much? Why do some forgive without any nuances, while others need to beg for this same forgiveness?

Firstly, forgiveness is a purely individual skill, but it is a kind of game for individuals.
Secondly, a stereotypical system has been established: the offender asks for forgiveness from the one he offended.

But I assure you, it absolutely does not matter who you find yourself in this system. Here your inner state comes to the fore, because forgiveness must come from within. And the problem is that insincere forgiveness can cause the same harm to a person as if he had not been forgiven or did not forgive.

And yet, let's figure out whether such a skill is important today.

Think about how often you get angry and irritated when you couldn’t forgive, accept, or let go. And then you focus only on the factor that hooked you and upset your mental balance. Everything around you loses its meaning: you become fixated on the problem, but do not look for a solution.

The ability to forgive: examples from life

There are no ideal relationships between people. Even the most devoted friends sometimes quarrel. If you have not yet understood the role of the ability to forgive, examples from real life will help you with this. Imagine a situation where school friends had a fight. The inability or unwillingness to forgive led to the fact that each of them lost a loved one with whom they could share both joys and troubles. When the offender had a misfortune, the second, despite his emotional impulses, driven by the desire for revenge, did not come to his aid. As a result, the oppressive resentment gave way to pangs of conscience, and it is much more terrible to fight them. The second example can be cited from the plane of family life, which also often begins with friendship. So, after much thought, the wife forgave her unfaithful husband. As a result, they lived a long and happy life together, raising wonderful children. Imagine what would happen if the wife followed the principle? At best, they would be able to build new families. But the feeling of resentment would eat them up all their lives.