Christ taught to forgive offenses. Orthodoxy and forgiveness are inextricably linked
Forgiveness is one of the foundations of the Christian religion. The beginning dates back to the Old Testament:
(Jer. 31:34)
I will forgive their iniquities and I will remember their sins no more.
Forgiveness is the central postulate of Orthodoxy and one of its foundations.
(Ps. 102.3)
He [the Lord] forgives all your iniquities, heals all your illnesses
The Gospel says a lot about forgiveness:
(Matt. 5:44-48)
But I say to you: love your enemies, bless those who curse you, do good to those who hate you, and pray for those who use you and persecute you, so that you may be sons of your Father in heaven, for He makes His sun to rise on the evil and the good and sends rain on the just and the unjust. For if you love those who love you, what will be your reward? Don't publicans do the same? And if you greet only your brothers, what special thing are you doing? Don't the pagans do the same? Be ye therefore perfect, even as your Father in heaven is perfect
(Matthew 18:21-22)
Then Peter came to Him and said: Lord! How many times should I forgive my brother who sins against me? up to seven times? Jesus says to him: I do not say to you, until seven, but until seventy times seven.
Christ taught to forgive your offenders and not hold a grudge against them
(Luke 6:35-38)
But you love your enemies, and do good, and lend, expecting nothing; and you will have a great reward, and you will be sons of the Most High; for He is kind to the ungrateful and the wicked. Therefore, be merciful, just as your Father is merciful. Judge not, and ye shall not be judged; do not condemn, and you will not be condemned; forgive, and you will be forgiven; give, and it will be given to you: good measure, shaken together, pressed, and running over, will be poured into your bosom; For with the same measure you use, it will be measured back to you.
Watch yourself. If your brother sins against you, reprimand him; and if he repents, forgive him; and if he sins against you seven times a day and turns back seven times a day and says, “I repent,” forgive him (Luke 17:3-4)
Then his sovereign calls him and says: “Evil slave! I forgave you all that debt because you begged me; Shouldn’t you also have had mercy on your companion, just as I had mercy on you?”
(Matt. 18:32-35)
And, angry, his sovereign handed him over to the torturers until he paid him all the debt. So will My Heavenly Father do to you, if each of you does not forgive his brother from his heart for his sins
The Apostle Paul in his epistles devoted space to forgiveness.
The Apostle Paul develops the theme of forgiveness:
just as Christ forgave you, so do you (Col. 3:13)
Let all irritation and rage and anger and shouting and slander along with all malice be removed from you; but be kind to one another, compassionate, forgiving one another, just as God in Christ forgave you (Eph. 4:31-32).
And where there is forgiveness of sins, there is no need for an offering for them (Heb. 10:18).
About forgiveness
About forgiveness
Good afternoon, our dear visitors!
The ability to forgive is a great gift. The Gospel Word teaches us forgiveness. The Lord’s Prayer is based on forgiveness: “And forgive us our debts, just as we forgive our debtors.” The Lord Himself said: “Her many sins are forgiven because she loved much, and he who is forgiven little loves little. He said to her, “Your sins are forgiven” (Luke 7:47).
In family life, the word “Sorry” should be the most, most frequently used. One famous person, who lived in marriage for many long and happy years, said that he was able to save not only his family, but also love in the family, only thanks to two words: “Forgive” and “Love.” Probably, these are the very words, seemingly simple and not complicated, but incredibly powerful and strong, capable of preserving not only family, but also love in the family in our difficult times!
We bring to your attention an instructive word from priest Pavel Gumerov about the need for forgiveness in family life and the basic principles of forgiveness:
“The ability to forgive and ask for forgiveness is a characteristic of a strong and generous person.
Forgiveness is a property of God, because the Lord performed the greatest act of forgiveness. He not only forgave people who sinned, but was also crucified on the cross for our sins. And we, who bear the image of God within ourselves, created in this image, must learn forgiveness from Him.
Therefore, the Apostle Paul tells us: “forgive one another, just as God in Christ forgave us” (Eph. 4:31). Resentment prevents us from communicating not only with people, but also creates a barrier between us and God: “For if you forgive people their sins, then your Heavenly Father will also forgive you; But if you do not forgive people their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses” (Matthew 6:14-16).
Family life, in general, is impossible without forgiveness. After all, spouses, children, parents are the closest people to each other, they communicate and interact very closely, and this communication, unfortunately, does not consist only of pleasant moments. And the ability to forgive insults and be lenient towards the weaknesses of others is a very valuable skill for a family man.
“Acquire a peaceful spirit and thousands around you will be saved,” said our great saint, Venerable Seraphim of Sarov. To many, these words seem like a completely unattainable ideal. But if, for example, a difficult, tense situation has developed in the family, relatives are at enmity with each other, and at least one person begins to behave differently, that is, at least to a small extent, acquires a spirit of peace and forgiveness, and will not answer evil for evil , will stop being offended, will love everyone - then the situation in this family will change for the better. And the people around such a person will also change, seeing his peaceful disposition.
Let's look at the basic principles of forgiveness.
One Christian, although, unfortunately, not Orthodox, said: “It is easier for a Christian to forgive than to turn away from a person. Forgiveness will free you from unnecessary anger, hatred and empty abuse.”
And this is truly so. Resentment, especially long-standing ones, kills our love for our neighbor. Unforgiveness causes great harm and damage, primarily to ourselves. An offended, vindictive person suffers greatly from malice, anger and despondency. Resentment prevents him from living a full life, enjoying the gifts that God sends us.
If an offense is deeply rooted in the heart, then it, like an unhealed wound, constantly makes itself known, aches, hurts and causes the offended person constant anxiety and grief.
On the contrary, someone who knows how to forgive and is generous is a truly happy person. After all, when we have peace in our souls and are at peace with people, then the reality around us is transformed for the better.
But still, what to do if we failed to preserve this world, and resentment settled in our soul?
The first and most important rule, in this case, is to begin to pray for the offender, for the person who, voluntarily or unwittingly, caused us grief. The Lord Himself gives us this advice: “Pray for those who use you and persecute you...” (Matthew 5:44). And I have repeatedly experienced the immutable truth of these gospel words from my own experience.
The surest way to forgive a person is to start praying for him every day. Prayers for the reconciliation of those at war and “for those who hate and offend us” are in any complete Orthodox prayer book. After these prayers, you can also pray in your own words that the Lord will help us cope with the offense and reconcile with our neighbors.
The second thing to remember if you have taken the path of reconciliation: you need to avoid slander and condemnation of our offenders in every possible way. Not only out loud, but even mentally, do not scold, blame or condemn them.
Unfortunately, there is a very great temptation to start telling everyone how unfairly they treated us, how they offended us, and at first this brings imaginary relief, but then the soul becomes much worse. Slander and condemnation open the way to anger, we cannot forget and forgive offenses for a long time, we “wind up” ourselves and constantly reopen an old wound, not allowing it to heal.
Another important point necessary for forgiveness is expressed by the famous patristic formula: “hate sin, but love the sinner himself.” That is, do not identify a person with the bad deeds that he sometimes commits.
After all, each of us was created by God with a pure soul and a desire for good, everything that is sinful in us is not part of our nature, it is all alien, superficial, and therefore it is important to see in our neighbor his soul, and not his actions and delusions.
Sin cannot be part of the nature of man himself, it comes into the soul from the devil, another thing is that we ourselves allow sin into our soul, but this comes from our weakness. And a person who sins is a sick, weak person, and therefore worthy of pity, and not condemnation and blame. A sick person is worthy of pity and mercy.
By the way, when we pray for those who offend us, we show pity and compassion for them, we see in them not some kind of embodiment of evil, but people suffering from their sins. Praying for offenders is a manifestation of generosity, and cursing them is a manifestation of weakness of the soul.
Even the closest and most beloved people cannot be idealized. There have been several occasions in my life when people who were very close to me caused me great pain. It was not easy to forgive them, but having dealt with my feelings, I understood that it was mainly myself who was to blame for my resentment, because I allowed myself to see in them some kind of invented ideal, and not real, living people, with their own weaknesses and shortcomings.
Since we started talking about sin and human weakness, it would be useful to remember that we ourselves are weak and sinful people. If there is a quarrel or a breakup, it is very important to see and admit your part of the blame for what happened, no matter how difficult it may be.
After all, even if we didn’t outwardly hurt our neighbor, we still didn’t do everything to avoid the incident. Resentment in our soul appears precisely because of our pride; we love ourselves too much and do not want to see our guilt and take responsibility for what happened. If we objectively assess our participation and share of guilt in the conflict, it will be much easier for us to forgive the person, understand the situation and reconcile with him.
When we take offense at a person, especially close to us, it is as if we close our eyes with a veil and completely stop seeing his positive, good sides. We see only resentment, insult, and these very strong, but sinful emotions obscure in our memory everything that was good between us, but there were always good, bright moments associated with our neighbor.
“We don’t keep what we have, but when we lose it we cry.”
More than once I watched how spouses, having quarreled and separated, began to understand how much they were losing and how they could not live without each other.
We are all proud people, and it can be very difficult for us to take the first step, even when we are fully aware of our guilt. We are afraid that our attempt at reconciliation will be misunderstood, we are afraid of being rejected. There is no need to be afraid of this; as a rule, our opponent is also tormented by the same doubts and, having appreciated our good will, will willingly agree to reconciliation.
It is not easy for the first person to ask for forgiveness, but after reconciliation such a person feels much better than the one with whom he is reconciling, because he not only made peace, but also conquered his resentment and pride.
But even if your attempt at reconciliation does not find a response in the heart of another, do not give up hope. You need to try to reconcile again and again, but do it after a while. In the meantime, it is necessary to intensify prayer for peace.”
Resentment is evidence of spiritual weakness
Resentment arises when a person feels that he was treated wrongly and unfairly, not as he should, and not as he deserves. This often happens because of one's own pride. We do not always recognize in time and correctly what the other person wanted to say, and we often get offended over trifles.
Resentment is a painful blow to a person’s state of mind. Often, instead of straining spiritual strength and repelling this blow with dignity, a person sins, succumbing to anger and despondency. At this moment his soul is open to demons. But the Lord allows such things to happen for a reason. He does this so that the person himself grows spiritually, strengthens his faith and fights pride. And one should not be afraid to ask the Lord for help in the struggle, because if anyone can help a person, it is only He.
We should not forget that it is much better to realize that a false accusation has been made against you than to have been condemned for your deed. As Cato said: “For me, it is better for people to ask: “Why is there no monument to Cato?” than “Why was a monument erected to Cato?” There is no point in being offended by something that did not happen. Realizing this will help you forgive the person who caused the “offense.”
The pagan Cato the Elder looked at some things with a gaze close to the Christian
It is also worth remembering about the punishment of the Lord, which will certainly overtake the offender if he acts unrighteously.
It is important for a Christian to be able to forgive the offender and let go of grievances. The path to forgiveness is humility
An unforgiven grudge is a terrible thing. It will poison a person’s life until the very end.
The first thing you need to do when you feel that the thought of being offended by a person has appeared in your mind is to try to discard it immediately. If you don’t do this, then you soon begin to reason with this thought within yourself and accept it in your heart as your own. We must understand that such thoughts are inspired to us by the devil, who longs to devour our souls. Resentment wears away a person from the inside and does not bring anything good to the offended person, but grows with roots deep in the heart.
An obsessive thought from the devil is called a pretext.
If you cannot remove the thought of resentment, then you must not let its companion - anger - into your soul. There is no need to feel sorry for yourself: self-pity is just as sinful and destructive to the soul.
To learn to forgive, you need to understand that forgiveness is not an admission that evil must go unpunished. God's judgment is inevitable, and everyone will be rewarded according to their actions.
An example of true humility and forgiveness is shown to us by monks who voluntarily left worldly life
Christ taught:
(Matt. 5:23-24)
If you bring your gift to the altar and there you remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar and go, first make peace with your brother, and then come and offer your gift.
Cases are different. It happens that the pain caused by someone is so strong that the thought of forgiveness simply does not enter your head. If you can’t forgive, you can put yourself in the place of the offender and think that you could have done the same out of spiritual blindness.
You have to feel sorry for your offender: he doesn’t know what he’s doing. You need to pray for him, according to God’s commandment, and sincerely ask him to bring him to his senses, both him and you. It should be remembered that Christ himself was in the place of the one being offended.
John Chrysostom wrote: “Nothing restrains those who offend so much as the meek patience of those who are offended. It not only restrains them from further impulses, but also makes them repent of the previous ones, and makes them move away from the offended, marveling at their meekness, and, finally, from enemies and enemies they become not only their friends, but even their closest people and slaves."
The most important prayer of a Christian says: “And forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors.”
The Lord's Prayer should be read morning and evening.
The Lord forgives us our sins, so we must try to be like the Lord and forgive our offenders.
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Many Christian sermons have been spoken about forgiveness and many books have been written. And yet we still have questions, and everyone has to look for answers to them themselves, even if sometimes resorting to the help of spiritually experienced people. Does forgiveness always mean a complete restoration of the previous relationship? And if not always, how do we know if we are on the path to forgiveness? Is forgiveness compatible with asserting one's personal boundaries? What to do if you can’t forgive, you’re not able to? This is discussed by the cleric of the Cathedral of the Holy Life-Giving Trinity of the Life Guards Izmailovsky Regiment in St. Petersburg, the famous church publicist Archpriest Konstantin Parkhomenko and his wife, family psychologist Elizaveta Parkhomenko.
— In the New Testament, the theme of forgiveness arises immediately, but is it alien to the Old Testament?
Archpriest Konstantin Parkhomenko: When the Old Testament says an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth (Lev. 24 , 20), we are not talking about forgiveness of the offender, but this is nevertheless a step forward compared to pre-biblical ideas about blood feud - for once inflicted the offense was avenged for a long time; they could kill not only the offender himself, but also all members of his family. So the principle of equal retribution introduced by the Lord in the Old Testament, of course, limited evil. But there was no talk of any forgiveness. Christ was the first to speak about forgiveness. This is one of the Savior’s favorite themes; many of Christ’s teachings, including parables, are related to it. And Christ not only teaches, He shows by His example the ideal of forgiveness. He never holds a grudge against anyone and, even dying on the Cross, forgives His tormentors and murderers: Father, forgive them, they do not know what they are doing (cf. Luke 23 , 34). And by His death on the cross, He forgives all humanity all the atrocities committed earlier. However, it must be clarified that He does not grant such forgiveness to everyone, but to those who accept Him as the Redeemer and Son of God.
So, a person is given the opportunity to start life anew. And an infinitely forgiven Christian, starting his Christian life, must also forgive other people. This is stated in the prayer that Christ Himself left for us - “Our Father”: “And forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors.” The older version read: “...just as we have forgiven our debtors.” Ancient Christians started from the fact that they were forgiven and had already forgiven everyone, that they were now building human relationships in a new way. But gradually the Church began to understand that, unfortunately, we do not reach this level - we would like to forgive, but so far we are just learning to forgive. Therefore, the word was changed to reflect this thought: “Forgive us as much as we learn to forgive.”
When I was a boy, I had a friend whom I loved very much. And one day he laughed at me in the presence of a group of street kids. This was a blow for me... Then he came to me many times, but I was never able to establish communication with him. I was far from faith, and I remember that this story hurt me very much. I was very sad that I lost a close friend. Although, to tell the truth, I lost it not through the fault of that boy, but through my own narrowness and inability to forgive. Now I have a different attitude towards such human actions - I forgive people, I understand that anyone can stumble, that I myself have committed sins towards my neighbors. This is how in a marriage spouses are constantly guilty of each other and constantly forgive each other - and this becomes a field for joint growth. And without forgiveness, growth is impossible.
Elizaveta Parkhomenko: Christ sets high standards, and without this Christianity is unthinkable. And Christ’s words about forgiveness are some of the most striking. But it is sometimes difficult for any of us to forgive an offender. It’s one thing to say, “I forgive,” but another thing to actually reconcile and accept. And here I would like to distinguish between our actions and our feelings. When Christ spoke about forgiveness, He spoke specifically about deeds, not about feelings.
It seems to me that understanding this removes a person’s feeling of guilt for “failure to forgive.” Because one thing is the high bar that is set for us, and our feelings in connection with this, another thing is the understanding of what needs to be done here and now, when the high ideal has not yet been achieved, and achieving this ideal may take a whole life . And if I do not respond with evil in response to the evil done to me, then I am already fulfilling the commandment of Christ. And then I can already think about what I should do if I forgive a person and do not repay him with evil for evil, but I still have a very strong tension in my soul, which is difficult to live with. This is precisely why people come to a priest and a psychologist.
Archpriest Konstantin Parkhomenko: Yes, yes. Our forgiveness - as Christ understood it - is, first of all, not a psychological change in us (the emotional state does not change so quickly, especially if the offense was strong), but our benevolent attitude towards the one who offended us. That is, first forgiveness, expressed in our kind attitude towards the offender, and then, we hope, psychological forgiveness will come. This is like the commandment about love for enemies: after all, we are not talking about emotions, but about deeds of love, that we should not repay evil for evil, that we should do good in response to evil.
People often come to me who have experienced great upheavals in life. For example, a woman who was abused by her father as a child, even to the point of sexual abuse. She talks to me, cries, shakes, says that she cannot forgive this. And I can't blame her for that. But I tell her: “Even if you cannot forgive your father, start doing good to him, start building communication with him, do not take revenge on him by breaking off relations with him, pray to God that He will give you the strength to forgive your father in your heart.” If such a dialogue begins to build, then internally the person somehow changes.
- Yes, it is necessary to forgive, but what about personal boundaries, they need to be protected somehow...
Elizaveta Parkhomenko: There are several ways to make peace come to the soul. And, oddly enough, some of them lead in the opposite direction from forgiveness. A person asks the question: “Is it always good not to fight back?” I think there are different situations, in some of them the only way to forgive is to protect your boundaries, to show your anger. And anger, like any feeling, was created by God and given to us for a reason, therefore, it can be useful. Sometimes it allows us to preserve ourselves and achieve our goals. It is not for nothing that we often associate aggressiveness simply with a position in life. There is also the expression “healthy aggression.” And it is important to understand where the line is between healthy and unhealthy aggression. Because if my boundaries are crossed over and over again, then anger will probably grow in me. It will grow, accumulate until it breaks out, so that everyone around will feel bad (we often see this: a person endures, endures, and then “explodes”). Or - another option: the accumulated anger will come out of a person after a long time in some “crooked” way - passive aggression (a subconscious desire to go against the demands of any authorities. - Ed.). All this, of course, is not forgiveness, although a person can even declare that he has forgiven everyone. Therefore, it seems to me that it is important to say that often to forgive internally is to figure out where and how we can defend our boundaries.
I remember the story of one of my clients - we worked with her for a year, and she constantly said how much she was offended by her husband because he didn’t want to go on vacation with her anywhere except to his parents’ house, where everything had to be done the way they want. Finally, she declared that she also had the right to rest the way she wanted, and if her husband did not go with her to where she wanted, she would go on holiday without him. This is not universal advice for everyone, but in that situation, the husband heard her and said: “Of course, I will go with you if you want.” But what is important for our topic is that her emotional state has also changed - the resentment towards her husband has disappeared. But at first the husband got angry, even began to say some barbs to her, but somehow she was immediately able to forgive him. It turns out that when a person defends himself as an individual, it is easier for him to forgive. Of course, with such extremes as sexual violence, everything is much more complicated, but in everyday life sometimes a person says to another: “Stop! This is where I begin!” - that is, he manifests himself quite aggressively, but there is no anger in his soul; on the contrary, he calms down.
That is, there is no need to associate forgiveness with unconditional permission for another to do with us as he wants. By defending your boundaries, you can continue to treat the person quite kindly.
- And if I am not offended by a person, but avoid communication with him because I don’t trust him, since he may pose some kind of danger to me, does this mean that I have not forgiven him?
Archpriest Konstantin Parkhomenko: I think not. Distance is normal. But the most worthy option, it seems to me, is open and honest, when, for example, I continue to communicate with a person kindly, but do not start new joint ventures with him. If a person offends me over and over again, I may not maintain communication, but maintain a friendly attitude towards him. You can say honestly: “Sorry, please, it’s hard for me to communicate with you, there’s something I can’t overcome in myself.”
Here's an example: in our church there was a brother, an altar server, who liked to secretly put his hand into a church mug. This was noticed once, twice, three times, he was delicately reprimanded, he tried to somehow get out. Everyone understood that similar actions could be expected from this brother in the future. However, the attitude towards him has not changed. They continued to communicate with him kindly, they just no longer put him in a situation that could tempt him, and, one way or another, they controlled him. That is, we had no negativity towards him, there was an understanding that all people are weak and that this brother of ours cannot overcome his weakness. You know, at the Grad Petrov radio station, where I go to record programs, there used to be an announcement that I really like: “Dear brothers and sisters! Don’t leave things unattended, don’t tempt the weak with the availability of money.”
Elizaveta Parkhomenko: It depends on what kind of people we are talking about, what they want to achieve. I think that it is possible to forgive a person in such a way as to then build a relationship with him, if the person asks for this forgiveness. And sometimes in order for a person to ask for forgiveness, it is enough to simply tell him that he offended us. This often happens in families - I see it in my work with my clients: sometimes a person only has to ask for forgiveness, and he immediately receives this forgiveness.
— But shouldn’t a Christian give up protecting personal boundaries, entrusting them exclusively to God? The Monk Seraphim of Sarov not only forgave the robbers who attacked him, but also forbade them to be prosecuted by law, that is, he also invaded the legal field.
Archpriest Konstantin Parkhomenko: I think that it depends on the personal decision of a person in a specific situation. It happens that not one, but several correct decisions are possible. We know that the robbers who attacked Seraphim of Sarov repented. Perhaps it was the Lord who revealed to the saint that they did not need to be persecuted. And some others might not repent - they would have been released, but they would have gone and robbed or stabbed someone else. So the story of Seraphim of Sarov is an exceptional case, possible, first of all, with a holy man. Under no circumstances should it be elevated to a general rule. It is impossible not to allow justice to be done, which limits the spread of evil.
“Even in the church environment, sometimes we hear that we should forgive only those who ask us for forgiveness, and if a person does not ask, then what kind of forgiveness can he receive from us...
Archpriest Konstantin Parkhomenko: Christ did not set any conditions for our forgiveness. He did not say: “Farewell after you have been asked for forgiveness.” He commanded us to love our enemies. It is understood that the enemy does not ask for our forgiveness, because if he asks, he will no longer be our enemy.
Elizaveta Parkhomenko: Oddly enough, we decide for ourselves whether to forgive or not to forgive, to be angry or not to be angry. You can often hear: “I’m angry and I can’t do anything about it.” Actually it can. And the first step here is to take responsibility for your condition: “In fact, it’s me who is angry, it’s not that other person who is responsible for my anger. The button to turn my anger on and off is not somewhere out there, but inside me.”
- If a person says: “What should I do? How can I forgive? - it means he is already looking for a solution. What if a person is not looking for such a solution? How to bring to mind the need for forgiveness?
Elizaveta Parkhomenko: If a person does not want to forgive and is happy with this, then until something happens to him that will move him towards forgiveness, it is impossible to force him to forgive. Just as it is impossible to convince an alcoholic that it is time for him to stop drinking until he himself has made such a decision. He may have to go to the bottom to do this.
Archpriest Konstantin Parkhomenko: It’s one thing to forgive a person who took money from you and didn’t give it back, it’s another thing to forgive the killer of your child. Perhaps in the second case the person in this life will not be able to forgive. But as a Christian, he can do everything possible for this, pray that the Lord will give him peace in his soul.
Elizaveta Parkhomenko: The inability to forgive the offender and let go of the situation leads to being stuck in the situation. This is exactly what happens to victims of violence. They get stuck and don't develop, for example they can't build new relationships. Therefore, for them, the path to forgiveness initially lies through some kind of anger, strong and terrible, one that is difficult to come into contact with, but cannot be bypassed or jumped over. This is the opposite, and this is a special problem. Often people come for a consultation, and as soon as they touch on a certain topic, they seem to lose their sense of reality. A person has a good family, a good job, and much more, but he sits frozen and gets angry instead of living. I think that, firstly, you still need to take responsibility for your anger, and secondly, look beyond it. Behind anger there is always pain. We need to address this pain. Because anger is a defensive reaction, it is easier to be angry than to deal with your pain, with your loss. And when a person accepts reality, anger goes away, there is no longer a need for it.
Archpriest Konstantin Parkhomenko: And it’s the same in spiritual life. If a person considers himself a Christian, but does not forgive, then his spiritual growth stops.
- How can you answer the question of whether you have forgiven or not?
Archpriest Konstantin Parkhomenko: As a confessor, I see the following: what is called “ultra-Orthodox” people come, observing all fasts and reading akathists. They say that everyone has been forgiven and everyone is loved, but confession begins, and a stream of condemnation pours out of the person. They probably have accumulated unresolved problems that they are afraid to admit to themselves. The ideal of forgiveness is to accept the offender in his former status. Remember how in the Gospel parable the father receives the prodigal son (see: Luke 15 , 11-32)? He returns everything to him, including the right to again be considered the heir to his fortune. And if it doesn’t work out that way, then you have to work with it.
Elizaveta Parkhomenko: When a person says that he has forgiven everyone, but in fact this is not the case, then his words are also a defensive reaction that allows him not to think about what is happening in his soul. In this sense, it can be more difficult for a believer, because he is afraid to admit to himself that he is angry: he knows that it is a sin, that he is obliged to forgive. And if we are not talking about the first stage, when you just need to not do harm to the offender, but about the next one - about internally letting go of the situation, regaining your spiritual peace - then we return to those methods that we have already talked about: defending your boundaries , getting in touch with your pain or building a dialogue with the offender.
Archpriest Konstantin Parkhomenko: I would also like to recall the formula expressed by the holy ascetics: our enemies are our friends, because they help us understand something, achieve something, become better than we were. The ancient ascetic Abba Dorotheos said a wonderful thing: “Everyone who prays to God: “Lord, give me humility!” — must know that he is asking God to send him someone to insult him.” Living in this world, we cannot avoid meeting people who hurt us in one way or another. But each such meeting is an opportunity to open yourself, to look at yourself honestly, to see your weakness, to see in yourself the lack of true love and tolerance - and to work with it.
“Saratov Regional Newspaper” No. 74, May 2017
Psychology offers its answers to the question of why you need to forgive people
With the development of medicine, it became possible to dive deeper into the depths of consciousness and comprehend the secrets of the brain. It turns out that our state of mind affects our physical health. A new direction in medicine has emerged - psychosomatics, which studies the influence of our mental health on our physical health.
Many famous scientists dealt with issues of psychosomatics, for example, Sigmund Freud
Resentment is a strong stress that affects the functioning of the human body. Therefore, psychologists recommend “letting go” of grievances and not keeping irritation and anger to yourself - this will definitely affect a person’s physical condition. In common parlance, this clever psychological term is explained simply: “All diseases come from nerves.”
Different psychological schools offer different ways of coping with resentment. But we must remember that the basis of almost any of the methods will be love for one’s neighbor and forgiveness - what Christ taught two thousand years ago.
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