Author of the material:
Svetlana Smyshlyak
philologist, writer, lyric poet
The inability to love is one of the main causes of scandals, unhealthy addiction, betrayal and divorce. If the parents have not shown the individual a model of trusting friendships, she learns by looking at the world around her, sometimes absorbing not the best examples. Unfortunately, this skill is not passed on genetically and is not taught in schools. Then how can you buy it? What actions will have to be taken to achieve this? And how to become a truly loving person?
What does it mean to love?
To love is to see soberly and at the same time respect the dissimilar qualities of a partner. All people are different, you cannot find someone with absolutely identical views. And that's okay. This is even more interesting, because such a difference allows you to learn and try new things, activities, methods. Thanks to their differences, people pass on experience and knowledge to each other, making their lives more multifaceted and exciting.
All this applies to those cases when the partner’s trait does not objectively bring anything bad . For example, if a man loves sports and active recreation, and a woman prefers to spend quiet evenings at home reading a book, there is nothing wrong with that.
However, if the quality of character of one infringes, insults, humiliates another, there is a serious problem here. No one is obliged to endure rudeness, manipulation, hysteria, despotism, saying to themselves: “He/she is different, and I just need to accept it.”
Spend time.
Attention is not something that can be given condescendingly, only on holidays, as a reward or when the mood strikes. This is a daily responsibility towards your loved one.
We are not talking about gifts, although the desire to give them is also a sign of a good relationship. But first of all, the phrase “taking time” means:
- listen to your partner, his stories about painful things, joys, surprises, events in general;
- empathize, that is, perceive the state of your couple, respond to it emotionally;
- communicate, get to know a person, be interested in her desires, ambitions, goals, views, principles;
- take care, trying to get rid of everything bad, in general, improve the life of a loved one.
Sometimes this can be difficult, especially when the emotional state does not match. For example, if a guy was promoted at work, and at that time the girl had a terrible quarrel with her friend.
Take the test: Do I love him?
Be able to tolerate separation.
No matter how strong the feelings and desire to be close may be, it is physically impossible to be together 24/7. In the end, you will have to go to work, meet friends, and sometimes shop separately from each other. And this does not take into account long business trips, long-distance relationships, etc.
If, even during a short-term separation, a person begins:
- call a hundred times
- write to all social networks,
- always looking for meetings,
- turn a partner’s absence of several hours into a tragedy,
- this speaks of dependence . And it has nothing to do with love. Moreover, it indicates a psychological problem or immaturity. Therefore, a loving person understands that sometimes spending time apart from each other is normal. Of course, he can also be bored, but he doesn’t make a drama out of it, but knows how to entertain himself or simply goes about his own responsibilities.
Respect honesty.
Honesty is the key to trust. Moreover, this quality does not mean a daily report on the events of the day. Here we are talking about the ability to openly, albeit delicately express personal emotions, and appreciate the sincerity of your couple.
The main difficulty in this matter lies in the reluctance or even fear of hurting, upsetting, or angering a loved one with your truth. For example, a girl may not like that her boyfriend often goes to the bar with his friends. But she decides to remain silent about it because she believes that expressing dissatisfaction will upset her loved one. But is this really a smart decision?
Won't frustration and protest accumulate, risking leading to a nervous breakdown? Can a couple cope with a problem and come to a comfortable compromise without discussing their differences? Silencing such moments is also a lie, including to yourself.
Don't exclude other people.
Romantic relationships are great, but you can't forget about the people around you. Love is freedom, not a cage for a prisoner. In addition to your loved one, there are also friends, relatives, colleagues, mentors, admirers, inspirers, etc. No matter how much your partner wants, he cannot replace all these individuals. And without them, life will be different, more closed, gray, boring, incomplete.
Family can become the meaning of life, but let it not be the only one. It is very naive and too self-confident to think that one person can supplant the whole world. If a person demands to choose between himself and his friends, for example, this shows his lack of understanding of love, unpreparedness for it, and immaturity. Over time, she will begin to dictate even more conditions, while still remaining emotionally hungry and unsatisfied.
Take the test: Does he love me?
Understand responsibility.
And the main thing is to take it. To love means to be responsible for the feelings, well-being, and happiness of the chosen companion. It's also about conformity. For example, if a partner demands fidelity, then it turns out that in this case he himself is obliged not to cheat. Every action has a result. Usually this applies only to the actor himself, but in relationships it also affects another person.
Life is a risk of injury, pain, danger, loss. In love, this risk doubles. But in the same way, joy, pleasure, and happiness are doubled.
The fear of taking responsibility for the future - your own and the common one - also becomes a serious obstacle. What prospects can a union have if one or even both partners do not want to build a life together based on making serious decisions? Obviously - not the most rosy or long-term ones.
Attitudes that hinder love
So, for this reason, our parents often give us one of the five, and sometimes all five, anti-love and essentially anti-sexual attitudes. Antisexual because (I remind you once again) without love, sex is not the most interesting mechanical actions and interactions of two physiological systems. Let's look at these five very strange prohibitions on love, so that you can understand your own prohibitions, so that you can understand what is happening in yourself, and so that a little later, in later stages, when you got a little used to the theory, we were able to do practice with you (I remind you once again, God forbid, not sexual actions, but opening yourself for love, for sex, for sensual ecstasy, for happiness in this life). So these five prohibitions look something like this.
How to learn to love?
Work on psychological problems.
Internal troubles do not allow a person to fully enjoy love and see the positive aspects in it. Therefore, people with psychological trauma are often nervous, distrustful, withdrawn, aggressive or passive. Of course, this affects almost all areas of life, and the love line, alas, is no exception.
Many people try to drown out their inner pain with new relationships, but in fact they not only fail to save themselves, but also confuse others. What could be the reasons for this behavior :
- severe trauma from the past, which is reflected at the current stage;
- poor parental example of relationships or its complete absence (if the child grew up orphaned or with guardians);
- negative experience with previous partners;
- uncertainty, low self-esteem, addiction;
- immaturity, infantilism, being stuck in the role of a child/teenager;
- irresponsibility, hysteria or acceptance of victim status.
With all this - to the psychotherapist's office. A loved one is not obliged to treat, educate, or supervise. He can support, try to help, but he will not correct this situation on his own.
Take the self-esteem test
Cultivate selflessness in yourself.
Love is not a bargaining, barter, contract, deal or service exchange of services. To truly love, you will have to learn to give and not look back at it. If a person pays attention, gives gifts, says compliments, does something nice, only to receive all this in return, he is not sincere in his actions. He is looking for profit.
The benefit does not necessarily consist of material interest. The desire to “buy” attention, reciprocity, time is also a sign of self-doubt and dependence.
A loving partner directs his actions to improve the life of his couple, her happiness. He does not count, does not remember every emotion or action that he gives. All his conscious steps towards his loved one are imbued with sincerity, selflessness, kindness, and care.
Know how to relax.
Despite the fact that a happy relationship requires hard work, it cannot be turned into an “army manual”. If you include only logic, structure, reason, strict adherence to the rules, you will not have enough energy or time for emotions.
It is better not to forget that love is also joy, laughter, touching moments, delight, romance. She suffers if dry rationalism, the words “must”, “obliged”, “forced” are manifested in the union. Of course, there is responsibility, and it is considerable, but it can be borne in different ways.
Sometimes, to learn to love, it is enough to loosen control over the situation. In a relationship, two people get pleasure. If one enjoys the position, and the other is always fixated on correct behavior, nothing good will come of it.
Take the compatibility test
Don't be afraid of negative experiences.
If there were no bad moments in life at all, no one would appreciate the good ones so much. In an ideal world, paradoxically, no one strives for development. For what? After all, everything is fine.
Love in human behavior is not ideal . This means lovers make mistakes. They also quarrel, hurt each other, and are wrong. But their difference is that they consciously try to avoid such negativity, learn to ask for forgiveness and forgive, and work on their mistakes.
You can avoid relationships due to fear of betrayal, conflicts, and negative emotions. But:
- Where is the guarantee that the same negativity will not happen in other areas of life? It is impossible to completely avoid risk.
- The exclusion of love will deprive a person of a huge number of positive events and experiences, making her unhappy.
A love affair comes with its own risks, but this does not deny its obvious advantages and rewards.
Second: don’t ask for love and don’t tell anyone that you need love
Guideline two: don’t ask for love, and don’t tell anyone that you need love. Ah, ah, ah, these courageous men who shed a stingy tear somewhere, apparently in the toilet, and who believe that if you need love, under no circumstances should you show this weakness of yours...
Lord, why then do you ask to eat when you are hungry, ask to drink when you are thirsty, breathe when you want to breathe? After all, love is also natural, and moreover, love is a very interesting, strange feeling that does not at all obey the laws “You - to me, I - to you.” It is paradoxical in its essence, as noted by the psychologists of Phua’s wife. The following law works here: the more you give love, the more you will receive. But if you are not even able to say that you need love, what kind of love can we talk about between you in this case?
Try it and you will succeed too!
Once you start following all the above rules, your life will change. And every day these changes will become more obvious and brighter.
Now I feel like a completely different person. I understood what it means to love and accept myself. I sincerely rejoice at my victories and achievements. I became comfortable being in my own body. The same will happen to you, believe me!
My social circle has changed, and the same awaits you. Soon you will notice that you are surrounded by successful and confident people who are interested in being with you and with whom you are interested.
I am sure that all these changes are just the beginning!
You may now be thinking that you need to spend years awakening true self-love before you will see changes in the material world. This is wrong!
The first changes in my life began within a week of actively following the five
rules that I talked about today !
Why so fast?
According to the latest research in quantum physics, each person influences his own reality with the energy of his thoughts. This means that with the help of thinking you can change any aspect of your life. Right this minute, thousands of people are already changing their reality using this technology. Want to know how?
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How to learn to love yourself? Many people search for the answer to this question all their lives. Don't give up, love yourself more and more every day. Develop the biggest and most important love affair of your life - a love affair with yourself.
I would be glad if you share your observations and discoveries along this path in the comments.
Third: if you are given love, do not accept it or show that you need it.
You understand the second option: we are proud and unapproachable, you cannot transgress us, you cannot cross us. Third option: if you were given love, do not accept it and do not show that you need it, under any circumstances, just like that! A kind of emotional fortress is impregnable, because God forbid... What lies at the core? Fear of being weak, fear of showing your weakness. In fact, you are not afraid to show weakness, you are afraid to be close in the full and true sense of the word. After all, sex now is a surrogate and a replacement for intimacy.
For some reason, someone foolishly decided that if you got naked and pressed your naked bodies together, you would actually become intimate. Sometimes this closeness is actually a wild distance of souls; it is really only physiological contact. Because true intimacy comes with adulthood. And although we desperately seek intimacy in sex, we do not always find it, because it lies somewhere to the side. Therefore, learn to be close, learn to open up in love, because otherwise love will never open up to you.
“Help yourself” is not our option
The benefits of trusting others are especially noticeable at work. Conflicts in a team are inevitable. The “ladder of assumptions” works against us: by climbing up, from neutral information, we inflate a pessimistic elephant, which immediately sits on our neck. As a result, we think poorly of others. If, for example, you receive a letter from a colleague with whom you do not have a very good relationship, you are more likely to think negatively about him and his motives.
The best advice I've been given is to think positively and have good intentions.
Indra Nooyi
American entrepreneur, Chairman of the Board of Directors and CEO of PepsiCo
