How to forgive an offense and let a person go is a difficult question and life situation for many people of different ages. Resentment is a feeling that prevents you from living and enjoying a harmonious relationship with your other half. Sometimes it can consume you completely, making you forget all the good things that happened between you. Often because of this, people quarrel so much that they separate. How to prevent such an outcome of events?
Resentment is a negative thing that poisons a person from the inside.
How to forgive an offense and let go
You don't know how to forgive and let go of an offense? You need to understand your true feelings.
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If you really love or respect a person, you shouldn’t waste time on such negative emotions!
In such a state, everyone is tuned only to negativity
They seem to burn a person from the inside, forcing him to look at the world around him through a veil of fog. Everything positive fades into the background, and you see in front of you only the reason that became the main factor in the occurrence of resentment. But you need to drive all this away, because this way you will never become happy.
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Analysis of grievances
To get rid of this feeling you need to understand its causes.
There is a question: how to cope with resentment so that it does not interfere with building harmonious relationships? At the very beginning, you should analyze what caused such feelings. Try to remember the situation in every detail. It often turns out that a person did not offend you as much as you thought. You can correct the situation in time by taking the first step towards reconciliation.
It also happens that analysis will help you understand that it is you who are to blame for the conflict. Here you need to act carefully, explaining to the person that you misunderstood each other.
Grudges have no meaning
Why is it important to understand that grievances are meaningless:
- If you keep them in your soul, then they will not bring any harm to the offender, but only to you.
- Accept criticism adequately. If the offender is a worthy person, then try to reach the same heights and become a person too.
- If a person has told an outright lie, do not stoop so low as to be offended, do not elevate him so much as to pay attention to his antics.
- To be offended means to humiliate oneself, but what is the point in that?
- Resentment gnaws and leads to the most serious diseases, such as cancer and diabetes. Do you need this?
- This feeling takes a lot of strength and energy, and you will need it for other useful thoughts and deeds.
Getting rid of anger
Do you feel like anger is overwhelming you? This is very dangerous, since such emotions bring a lot of negativity to you and those around you. Here's how to deal with anger:
- master the technique of deep breathing, as this will give you the opportunity to find spiritual harmony;
- completely relax your muscles, which will make it possible to relieve anxiety and stress, and therefore relieve you of anger;
- release your anger. You can find a quiet and secluded place to shake yourself off like a dog after water. You can also write down your thoughts on paper and tear the paper or burn it;
- switch to something funny, for example, watch a video on the Internet to take your mind off the negativity;
- listen to music that will relax you and completely calm you down.
Here's how to deal with resentment and anger without losing your valuable nerves. After such actions, anger will fade into the background, and you will be able to completely calm down and think about what to do in the future.
Recognizing that there is a problem is half the battle in solving it
Examples of manipulations
How are we susceptible to manipulation? When we are offended, it is important to ask ourselves: am I really to blame for this? Did I actually do something bad, or are you blaming me for this, and for some reason I take it upon myself? It's not easy to figure out. Especially when it comes to people who are authoritative for us - parents, loved ones. Especially among believers, there are many people who are always ready to feel guilty. Stories begin about the cross, about what “is not sent beyond one’s strength,” one must endure. Only often love for one’s neighbor is understood as feeding his resentment, supporting his ability to manipulate.
The person is offended, and I integrate into this and answer him the way he wants, thereby perpetuating his touchiness and provoking the ability to manipulate. And I do this not because I want good things for him, but to free myself from feelings of guilt. That is, I act selfishly. Christian love has nothing to do with it. There is even indulgence in sin.
Example: A mother says to her son: “No one helps me, no one does repairs for me, I’m so poor, the taps are old, they leak, and I can’t close them, you’re all busy, but no, no, I don’t need help, I only live for your sake, if only you feel good.”
How do you feel when you hear a text like this? I suspect that you feel guilty, but at the same time you hear a refusal to help. There is a feeling that you are entangled in some kind of network, and it is not clear how to react. This is an example of guilt manipulation.
An alternative version of the same remark, only in the form of direct communication: “You know, my tap is broken. Could you come and change it some day when it’s convenient for you, because I can’t do it myself, please help me.”
Feel the difference... As a rule, when we are asked directly, we are ready to help if we can, we do not have resistance. When they try to envelop us in a network, they give a double message: help, but don’t help, because you don’t care about me, then we begin to resist with all our being, and at the same time we feel powerless, because we don’t know how to respond to this - we either want to run away , or do something, just to keep them behind.
Of course, behind such manipulation there is often pain and lack of attention; we will talk about this in the second part, when we talk about forgiveness. There is also a non-value attitude towards oneself - such a subtle aspect, I will talk about this below.
Another example: “you deliberately heated the milk so much because you don’t love me, you don’t care about me, you know that I don’t drink hot milk.” This is difficult to answer. Because here two facts are glued together: real and attributed, and this is the secret of the operation of the manipulation mechanism. We hear two-part speech. There is the first part, which states an obvious fact - the temperature of the milk.
The milk really is hot, and you can’t argue with that. And consciousness agrees, yes, she is right. And then the second part is pasted: you don’t love me. And due to the fact that one phrase contains a real fact - the temperature of the milk - it is difficult for consciousness to recognize the second part of the phrase as a lie, as an egocentric demand. And therefore it is easier to admit your guilt: the milk is really hot.
Everyone knows the fact of manipulating the threat of illness - this is a very common topic, very difficult and almost a win-win situation. Because no one dares to provoke illness in their loved one. There is probably no easier and more convenient way to force a person to do what I want than to tell him: “See, you’re doing this - but it makes me sick, my blood pressure rises.” Or “you see, I’m so seriously ill, so please, do it already...” - the world should revolve around me.
Who knows, maybe we are sometimes just as unbearable for our loved ones when we are offended? If we tend to get offended often, it’s worth thinking about what it’s like for others around us when we, perhaps at times, unknowingly manipulate?
Getting rid of guilt
Another unpleasant situation is the feeling of guilt. If you have offended any person, it will haunt you every day.
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Because of this, people often face stress or depression, since guilt constantly weighs on the subconscious.
You can get rid of it by following these tips:
- never blame yourself for the fact that others reacted to your behavior differently than you would like;
- you should not mentally reproach yourself for any misdeeds;
- there is no need to feel guilty if people from your close circle do wrong;
- “burn” the feeling of guilt by writing down all your main experiences on a piece of paper;
- there is no need to constantly apologize to everyone, even if you are not guilty;
- do not allow yourself to be manipulated, because if you fail to complete the tasks, the feeling of guilt will return again.
These are simple tips that will help you cope with negativity. You will feel free if everything works out.
Five Steps to Forgiveness
If you take the most effective technique of an experienced psychologist, it will help you free yourself from the deepest grievances.
First step
Right now, grab a pen and a few pieces of paper. Start unburdening yourself. Take the first piece of paper, where on top, in the middle, write the name of the one who is the most annoying.
Below on the list, write down in detail everything that has accumulated for this person. Perhaps something that was sitting deep in the soul will be revealed. Or maybe it will turn out to be an annoyance from childhood, when, after you “puffed up”, you were immediately pitied. Suddenly it turns out that you simply allowed yourself to be weak - to be offended, expecting, as in childhood, that adults would pat you on the head.
Or maybe you just have pleasant memories of this person, so you scroll through the offensive words a hundred times. For example, at school one boy did not pay attention to you, so the burden of frustration still lies on your heart. The resentment gnaws, but at the same time the memories of him are very pleasant.
Step two
Allow yourself to feel the bitterness of the words of the offender one last time. On the second piece of paper, write a letter to that person: “Dear (name), I am consumed by resentment towards you because... I just hate you because... I experience extreme pain and rage, hatred because...” More details, with the heat of hatred, throw out all your emotions onto paper, feel them as if it were happening right now.
Read the letter again and you will feel that it no longer makes sense. All this is no longer so important.
Third step
On the third piece of paper, write how to respond to this person’s offense. Make a choice: be offended or forget. Many people are not even offended by criticism, as if it falls on deaf ears. They made the right choice and it’s easy for them to live with it.
It won't work right away. Therefore, when unpleasant words are thrown at you or some actions begin, do not react immediately, take a break. While there is a pause, you will choose which reaction to give.
So, on the third piece of paper write: “Dear (name)! I understand that I myself chose to be offended by you at that time. I take full responsibility for the fact that I was offended, and also for the fact that I hated you ... "
Continue to put on paper everything that touched you then. At this moment, take responsibility. It was not you who were offended, but you decided to be offended, that is, to follow this comrade’s lead. You yourself preferred this reaction, so why hold a grudge against that person. If you accept responsibility, then you are able to learn to forgive.
Step four
On the fourth piece of paper write: “Dear (name), I forgive you for that...”. Here you lay out everything that you forgive for, that you want to express to him. But not rudely, but on the contrary, warmly, with love. After all, you yourself were to blame. Imagine him sitting in front of you, so guilty and devastated. And your soul is light and warm, because now you are making a choice. Imagine how happy this man was that he was finally forgiven.
And you will thank him warmly and sincerely for opening up horizons for your growth as a person. Now feel how pleasant it is in your soul that you managed to get rid of a heavy burden.
Step five
If you still have not forgiven, then imagine how that person comes up to you, takes your hands and sincerely asks for forgiveness. You are pleased that he realized his guilt. Remember this feeling. Now burn your leaves, and along with them, your grievances against this person will burn.
Did you feel how light your soul became? Thanks to this technique, you can forget grievances against any person, for example, a friend, acquaintance, neighbor, even if he does not deserve it. He does what he wants, but you get complete spiritual freedom!
How to learn to forgive grievances and let go
Not everyone knows how to learn to forgive grievances and let people go. But it is a valuable skill that will help you cope with many problems in life.
Have you been seriously insulted by a loved one? Are you unable to find relief from your worries? Then you need to forgive him by following these tips:
- remember that resentment is a strong evil. You must realize that it must be destroyed in order to live happily;
- Negative motivation will also allow you to forgive a person faster. Think about what awaits you if you live with the experiences inside. This often leads to illness, depression, and loss of interest in life. It is better to forgive than to radically ruin your life;
- Positive motivation will also help to cope with negativity. Think how much your life would change if you were happy and carefree again. These are new acquaintances, fun meetings with friends, happy evenings with family;
- If you don’t know how to learn to forgive insults, eliminate the weakness in yourself that attracted them. Perhaps it's low self-esteem or problems at work. Try to correct these shortcomings in order to become a strong person who does not depend on all the bad things;
- be grateful for the lessons that life teaches you. If you made a mistake that led to negativity, reel it off. In the future, you will no longer repeat such actions, which will make it much easier;
- A sense of humor always saved me from such situations. Make fun of yourself, accept criticism adequately, and don’t be offended by the caustic phrases of your colleagues or acquaintances. Only in this case will everyone understand that it is useless to try to hurt your pride.
You understand how to forgive an offense and let go of your loved one. Do not forget that you cannot keep anyone near you by force. It’s better to part ways peacefully than to torment each other for the rest of your life. But you need to part with a calm soul in which there is no place for negativity.
Resentment - what is it, its origins
Let's start with the fact that resentment is the experience of self-pity and anger towards the offender, condemnation of him.
Where does the resentment come from?
Resentment is born in childhood. Babies have feelings of anger, not resentment. The child learns about resentment in preschool age. Remember how little children usually say: “Then I’ll be offended by you.” They learn that they should be offended if someone does not do what they want. Although they are not offended, as long as they just say it.
Resentment is simply a learned reaction. As a child, our parents decide everything for us. We just don’t have enough (attention, toys, etc.) Resentment is a good tool for manipulation. Getting what you want, bypassing the interests of another person. One is offended, the other feels guilty. Often people use this all their lives.
Resentment arises if our expectations do not coincide with reality, everything did not happen the way you wanted, you did not hear what you would like. And others offend us because their expectations of our actions or words do not match what they expected.
How to deal with resentment and negative emotions
Negative emotions destroy a person’s aura, as a result of which it becomes vulnerable to all sorts of factors. People who experience such feelings are susceptible to depression and stress.
You need to understand how to learn to forgive insults (psychology) in order to feel great. In fact, it is not as difficult as it might seem at first glance. You just need to control your emotions to get rid of all the negativity.
Negativity can accumulate for a long time, and then suddenly burst out
- Identify the source of irritation
At the very beginning, it’s worth understanding what irritates you so much. Perhaps it’s her husband’s scattered things or an annoying work colleague. Never accumulate emotions within yourself, because sooner or later they will burst out in a huge stream of claims and grievances.
If it's about your loved one who is doing something wrong, try to talk to him. The conversation should be calm and friendly. Explain why you don’t like this or that action. In most cases, everything can be fixed without accumulating negative emotions within yourself.
If you are offended by a work colleague, then try to talk to him. If all is unsuccessful, do not intersect or keep meetings to a minimum. Do not accumulate resentment within yourself, because it will definitely spill out in a stream of negative emotions.
- Understand the reason
To understand how to learn to forgive people and let go of resentment, understand yourself. Why are you offended by others? Perhaps it's your low self-esteem? Do you not know how to cope with your emotions?
You can find spiritual harmony with the help of breathing exercises or yoga. In practice, it has been proven that such activities calm and distract from negative emotions. If suddenly negativity has already settled inside you, it will soon stop bothering you, because its negative influence is eliminated.
This is really important...
1. Resentment is a meaningless phenomenon, unfortunately, characteristic of human nature. Everything in the world is relative: sometimes seemingly bad deeds and unpleasant words can be beneficial.
2. The offender makes us stronger by speaking rudely. It allows us to gain experience in protecting our dignity or the ability to maintain control over ourselves. In the ability to forgive, in the end.
3. Sometimes behind the harshness there is a completely reasonable argument or a truth that we simply do not want to notice and accept, so this harshness leaves a wound. We need to be grateful for experience and truth.
4. Remember, by offending, a person teaches you a lesson, and in return he receives nothing except a feeling of guilt in some cases. And this kind of service is one of the reasons why you should forgive a person.
Feel free to resort to the above methods or combine them if a deep and old resentment haunts you. A life free from resentment is much more enjoyable because of it. Remember, the main thing is to be aware of the conflict and let it go of your own free will, because only you can do this. Live in harmony with yourself!
How to deal with resentment and anger
People ask the question: how to deal with resentment and negative emotions quickly and effectively? There are tips that will make you feel much better:
- stop feeling like a victim: instead of “I was offended,” say “I feel offended”;
- look at yourself through the eyes of the offender and think whether everything is so smooth on your part, or whether you, too, have done something wrong to the person;
- Perhaps you are missing something, which stimulates you to be angry. If so, then allow yourself to fill what is missing in life;
- tell yourself “Stop” because the feeling is poisonous from within. If you don't want to face stress or depression, try to control your emotions right now;
- calm down and think about how you feel at the moment, because it may turn out that this is not anger, but a simple lack of attention;
- React to different situations calmly, and over time you will notice that the feeling of resentment is no longer inherent in you.
A big grievance usually develops gradually from several small ones.
These are simple tips that will help you cope with resentment and anger. You should not waste your time on such negative emotions, as they will only bring you harm.
How to deal with resentment towards a man
Often women ask: how to cope with resentment towards a man if I live under the same roof with him? Of course, such emotions can destroy a relationship in a matter of days.
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If we are talking about betrayal, then not everyone is ready to forgive their loved one. In such a situation, you should understand that getting rid of negativity will benefit you, not him. Try to completely calm down and tune in for the best. Remember that it is very difficult to go through life with resentment. If you want to become happy and loved, drive away negative emotions in order to calmly let go of the man.
Women are the most touchy - they are real masters of this matter.
You don't know how to forgive a person and free yourself from grievances if the situation is not that serious? Then a simple conversation can help you. Talk to your significant other so that she understands what exactly is bothering you. In practice, it has been proven that conversations often make it possible to get rid of all negative emotions!
How to live on
It is clear that with a click, depressing thoughts will not leave your head. They will torment for a year, perhaps more. It’s difficult to live with this; many women remain suspicious and mistrustful. If depression sets in, you should consult a psychologist.
If there is no psychologist nearby, then try to give your spouse what he was missing. Did he admit this to you in a frank conversation? If not yet, then find out what he lacks in the relationship. Don't forget to tell us about your desires. Start satisfying each other's wishes, then the relationship will become much happier.
Most often, a man lacks variety. You will have to work on yourself to give a man the energy to love you and be faithful. This is how their natural essence works.
From personal experience.
A friend of mine cried for a long time, suffered from her husband’s betrayal, and even got herself a bunch of sores. Then she cheated on her husband once. Where did her grief go, she lives happily. Now she is afraid that her husband will find out, and this fuels her passion for her husband.
The main thing is not to tell your spouse about your momentary weakness, because men are great owners. They don't forgive!
