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Dear sisters! I once talked for three hours with girls who really wanted to get married. This conversation was recorded; it turned out to be more than twenty pages in small print.
The text of my conversation was shortened and edited by Ekaterina Stepanova. She recently got married and is very happily married, so I hope she knows what I said was right and what was wrong.
I also edited her version of the conversation for a long time, but I still couldn’t stop, which caused some displeasure for the editors. We cannot delay publication any longer, and I present to you for discussion our joint work with Katya, hoping that it will help at least some of you, dear sisters, to get married. I wish you to find a good groom! If you have any questions, write.
With love in Christ, Bishop. Panteleimon.
You need to have time to prepare for marriage
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Nowadays, starting a family is a feat.
There is no need to imagine marriage as a safe haven where all your problems will end, and there will be an understanding, loving person nearby, on whom you can pour out all the love that has accumulated over the years of waiting.
God alone understands us in everything, and the most ardent love does not always have the same temperature. And what is unspent that fills your heart may not turn out to be a willingness to sacrifice yourself, but a desire to arrange everything in life based on your desires.
If you want to get married, you need to not just sigh, worry and cry about your loneliness, but prepare. Preparing for marriage means preparing to become a good wife and mother of many children, because in an Orthodox marriage you cannot shy away from this feat.
Having many children in the modern world is a great work and feat. Our world is not adapted, not convenient for large families. But without fulfilling this will of God to have children, you will be unhappy in your marriage.
I don’t think that the Lord, when we violate His commandments and rules, completely abandons us with His love, but still we are deprived of a lot.
Is marriage possible after 30?
Many women are deeply convinced that after 30 years the phrase “I’ll get married urgently,” and marriage itself turns into a miracle. They no longer want any dates, just a wedding. And some completely lose hope of hearing from a man: “I want to marry you.”
At this age, many representatives of the fair sex already have experience of family life. If the marriage was unsuccessful, sometimes there is a fear of getting married a second time. Since I was already married once, nothing worked out. And some, on the contrary, are ready to get married right away without dates, so as not to waste time.
The questions “How to get married quickly?”, “Where to find love?” will not help you in building your personal life. Here you need to understand what you want. Having a goal, you can easily reach it. You should not be guided by dry logic. Remember, you are a woman who can attract men and make them want to marry.
Very often, women after 30 are looking for a man who wants to get married and thereby save her from loneliness and melancholy. But men are in no hurry to marry tired, sad ladies. In such a depressed state, you are unlikely to be able to win a man.
Learn to live within your means
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Unfortunately, large families in Russia are doomed to be among the poor.
Therefore, now you can start training to live within your means. Try to be economical, learn not to spend money left and right. Make do with the laptop you have, don’t buy yourself a new phone every year, take care of your clothes - beautifully combine what you already have in your closet, and don’t buy new dresses on sales.
It is unknown whether your husband will have a well-paid job. You will marry for love, and not for convenience. If he has a small salary or loses his job, he will have to live in poverty, so it is better to prepare for this in advance.
It would be nice to learn not only to save, but also to donate money - share, help large families or single mothers. Learn not to be greedy, but compassionate and generous.
The main thing that large families lack is spacious housing. And in a small apartment with children it is very difficult to maintain order. Therefore, it would be good to learn in advance how to get rid of unnecessary things, then cleaning the apartment and maintaining order will be much easier.
Wedding Dresses
It was the year before my marriage that for some reason I found myself surrounded by wedding dresses. First, a glossy women's magazine ordered me an article about them. Then, on business, I regularly had to be on a street completely occupied by wedding shops. Willingly or unwittingly, I tried on these dresses for myself, imagining what my ideal wedding dress and my wedding as a whole should be like. And at the same time, of course, I imagined what my husband should be like. Thus, a preliminary portrait of him was drawn, which I later met and recognized.
Family is like a submarine
Image: pkolyshkin.livejournal.com
In marriage, it will be difficult for you to find time for yourself: read a book, go to the theater, pray in temple. Because my husband and children will always be nearby. They will need you, waiting for your attention. There is no escape from the family, like from a submarine when it plunges into the water.
In order to manage everything in your marriage, I would advise you to learn to get up early now. Read the Gospel more often, study the lives of the saints, memorize, while you have time, morning and evening prayers so that they can be read without turning on the light or while feeding the child. All this will be very useful to you when you become a wife and mother.
Of course, it is very good to study children's literature in advance so that you know what to read to children. It would be good to get acquainted with the lives of the saints and learn how to retell them to the children of friends, godchildren or nephews.
It is very important to learn how to cook. And not for yourself, but for others. It’s not difficult to cook for yourself - I made a sandwich and ate it, but for my husband to prepare, for example, a lean meal so that it is tasty and so that he is satisfied is a tricky business.
To practice, go to a large family and help prepare holiday lunches or dinners. And you will learn to cook, and you will do a good deed. Maybe the Lord will send you a good groom for this!
You may say: well, I prepared, prepared, learned everything, but no one proposes marriage. But if you learn to love and pray, this will help you live fully, even if you don’t find a husband.
Be active
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You won’t want to approach a girl who is gloomy and dissatisfied with her loneliness. However, even a girl who is actively searching, prowling like a wolf with her eyes to the sides, scares away potential suitors.
If you want to get married, you need not to lose heart and not look for candidates on the Internet and among passers-by on the street and in the subway, but to get active.
And I don’t mean the appearance of activity when a girl paints herself, dresses up (or vice versa undresses!) and poses for photographs for social networks. I'm talking about truly living an active life.
You can, having deep faith, shut yourself in a room and pray that God will send a groom. But if you don’t have such a strong faith, it’s better not to avoid communicating with young people.
Sign up to volunteer. Go to the audition, maybe you will be accepted into the choir. Try working with your children in Sunday school. Help organize parish weddings or mission trips. Missionary trips help a lot.
I organized my first missionary trip because I had four daughters who did not have grooms. They all got married and almost all the participants in this trip started families!
An active girl is easier to notice, and most importantly, she is immediately visible in action.
“Non-psychological” factors
In addition to psychological ones, I will also highlight physiological and social reasons.
Physiological reasons: Appearance matters, but not what girls often attribute to it. Femininity is not about hair color, neck length or breast shape. This is an internal state. The most important thing is to keep your body clean and healthy, and its shape and facial features do not matter - different men like different women.
Social reasons A girl, in principle, has little chance of meeting someone if she works/studies in a women's group (or where all the men are already successfully married), and after work she rushes home without looking around. While searching, it is better to meet as many men as possible so that you have a choice. Fortunately, now there is the Internet and dating opportunities are not limited only to personal circles.
A drinking groom is not an option
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When choosing a husband, you need to pay attention to how he treats alcohol. If he overdoes it, if he has a habit of getting upset, drinking “out of grief” is scary.
After all, before, for example, they didn’t drink wine at wakes; they drank wine at weddings out of joy.
You can drink a little for joy. The Lord blessed wine at the wedding. But if a person drinks out of grief (a bitter drunkard), it is better to wait for another groom.
Don't be afraid to push the groom away with severity
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Many men believe that first they need to live in the so-called. “civil marriage”, and then get married. True, things often don’t come to marriage.
Starting a relationship with carnal intimacy is wrong.
There is a certain sequence in the development of relations between husband and wife: first - friendship, understanding, recognition of this person. Then, when you felt what kind of person he was, assessed how reliable he was, how interesting you were with him - you have the basis for the development of other relationships that begin in marriage.
After all, you live with this person, talk, share impressions, look at the world together, raise children, help each other, experience sorrows, illnesses, difficulties - this is the most important thing and you need to prepare for this!
You are not looking for a “partner”, but a life partner, the father of your children. Don’t be afraid to tell him completely clearly and definitely that a close relationship is impossible for you before marriage.
This is a good test of how willing a person is to respect your opinion and meet you halfway. You need to choose a person who knows how to keep his nature in check, otherwise later this nature can get out of control and everything can end in tragedy.
People who obeyed and adhered to such strict rules thanked me later.
If you start building relationships on carnal needs, this will inevitably distort the consciousness of your choice - your love, enthusiasm, passion, and dependence on the person you like will interfere. And you will not be able to evaluate it soberly.
Want to get married
A desire that sounds like “I want to get married” arises when a woman is implanted with the idea that her main values in life are marriage and children. The question arises: how often would this desire be heard if women were not instilled with this idea? But the answer to this question is difficult to obtain in the modern world.
The more pressing state of affairs is that the desire “I want to get married” is a normal manifestation of female nature. Every woman should want to be fulfilled in the role of wife and mother, otherwise society will look at her as not quite developed and full-fledged.
The idea that a woman wants to get married is further fueled by vivid ideas about how the wedding will play out. Psychologists often note that the desire to get married is often associated not with love and the desire to start a family, but only with the goal of having a luxurious wedding, where the woman will finally be the center of everyone’s attention, put on a beautiful dress, beauty will reign around her and fun. We can say that a woman does not want a future husband, but an ideal wedding where she can outdo the wedding celebrations of her girlfriends.
This can be associated with some desire to create a holiday for yourself. After all, a woman is so rarely pampered, especially by her man!
It should not be ruled out that a woman simply wants to be loved. And a man’s desire to marry her is a clear indicator of this. This is why everyone dreams of a wedding as a way for a man to prove his love.
However, women often yearn for a wedding only because they are lonely. When meeting men, they often start talking about marriage during their first meetings and dates. This greatly discourages men who have not yet thought about this topic. This is why women are advised to remain silent until the men themselves speak up and offer to marry them.
How often can you hear from women: “I want to get married!”? Often these individuals do not understand the misfortune that they bring into their lives. Not only are they, for some reason, unable to create those relationships that would give them happiness and love, that would bring the lovers to the registry office, they also try to forcibly organize their family life. “I want to get married” is a wonderful dream, but until it becomes a goal. When a woman becomes simply obsessed with this desire, she launches a mechanism for the destruction of all her beautiful ideas about an ideal relationship.
What could such a goal lead to? A woman obsessed with the dream of getting married begins to literally grab onto any man who comes her way. The level of her assessment and criticism of her partner’s personality decreases sharply and becomes equal to zero. This means that she will be ready to marry anyone who offers her his hand and heart.
And who will this person be? Often men subconsciously understand how much women want to be their wives. They also understand well when ladies not only want to start a family with their loved ones, but are obsessed with this desire
But not every man will want to play the role of the messiah and fulfill the desire of a woman, since it is important for him not only to love, but also to respect and see a person in his partner. But, unfortunately, in a woman obsessed with the dream of getting married, no personality is visible, since she is not critical of herself or other people
What will be the result of this desire? There are two options for the development of events: the woman will remain alone or marry anyone. In the second case, the husband of a woman with the desire “I want to get married” will be a worthless and insignificant person. This is the type of person who would agree to be the messiah.
At first, family life will delight the woman, but over time, the veil that closed her eyes because of her goal will fall, and she will be horrified by the life she has chosen for herself. The husband will most likely be completely unattractive to her, drinking and possibly partying. Everything about him will irritate her because she will not perceive him as a man. Over time, they will separate and the marriage will fall apart. This is the result of wanting to get married.
There should be as many children as God gives
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You need to talk about this with your future husband before you start living together - before marriage. Because it happens, unfortunately, that a man is not ready to have children or only wants one child. You need to explain in advance to the person who wants to become your husband that you cannot shy away from having children. Strict confessors do not allow anyone to receive communion who, while maintaining a marital relationship, prevents the birth of children. It is a sin.
Of course, marital relations are not carried out only for the sake of having children. Marital relations in marriage are an expression of love for each other, when spouses unite into one and become one body, one being.
There is nothing sinful in this for spouses. And if the spouses are infertile, this relationship can continue, there is no need to abstain from it.
But if there can be children, one cannot shy away from their birth. Therefore, even in the case of a disease, the treatment of which pregnancy is undesirable, you need to abstain from marital communication, and not find ways to avoid having a child.
Marital posts
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As you know, there are fasts in Christianity - they also apply to marital relationships. There is a lot of talk on this topic now; some believe that marital relations do not need to be regulated.
But confessors such as Archimandrite John (Krestyankin), Hieromonk Pavel (Troitsky), Archimandrite Tavrion (Batozsky) said that marriage is a school of chastity and fasting should be observed by spouses in close relationships. It is necessary that in your marriage you and your husband have unity on these issues.
Marriage is a source of comfort and joy; some people even marry for it. But on the other hand, marital relationships can also be a source of sorrow.
The Apostle Paul said that it is better to remain pure so that there is no sorrow in the flesh. Because spouses cannot always be together, they do not always have the same intentions and desires.
You need to take this calmly, don’t worry, don’t get hung up, and don’t build your entire married life on this side of the marriage.
A good wife loves her husband more than her children
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The husband is the most important in the family. If the husband is loved and everything is fine with him, everything will be fine with the children. No matter how much you love your children, you need to love your husband more.
My late wife raised her children in such a way that they understood: the best and most delicious things go to dad. The youngest daughter sometimes said: “What about me? I want too". I handed her a sandwich, thickly spread with black caviar, which my wife had prepared for me, but the older girls made scary eyes, whispered something sternly in her ear, and she guiltily fell silent and never wanted to take even part of this sandwich.
Of course, they also got sandwiches with caviar in those rare moments when they managed to get it, but on my father’s layer of caviar was thicker.
Bottom line
An important point to adhere to is that the desire “I want to get married” is not intrusive. The results it leads to have already been described above. If you do not want an unsuitable husband for yourself and strive for a long and loving family relationship, then you should not pursue the desire to get married, but to find a suitable partner for the appropriate relationship.
It's normal to want to start a family. But we should not forget that both must have this desire. Otherwise, betrayal, misunderstanding and betrayal will reign in the family.
For children, parental quarrels are worse than punishment
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If children see the love and unity of their parents, they are peaceful and calm.
My eldest daughter recently recalled what a tragedy our argument with my wife was for her when she was very little.
My daughter stood in a crib with railings, and her mother and I were arguing. I said that she should be forced to put away the toys, but my wife thought that it was already late, it was time to sleep and there was no need to take her out of the crib. The poor little girl felt like her world was collapsing.
Of course, I am very ashamed that I did not understand this then, but still my advice to expectant mothers: if a husband punishes a child, it is better not to contradict him. It will be easier for a child to endure punishment than to see your argument and disagreement with each other.
After some time, when the husband has calmed down, you can choose a convenient moment and try to talk to him in the absence of the children, how you can and cannot punish him and what to do if the situation repeats, but you cannot contradict your husband in front of the children. You may think that you are protecting the child, but in fact you are inflicting a deep wound on his soul.
You may ask, what if the husband punishes too cruelly, often and unfairly? Of course, if there is a threat to the life and health of children, you should not argue and fight with your husband, but get a divorce.
This is why you need to discuss with your fiancé before marriage how you will raise your children, what punishments are acceptable and what are not.
If your husband resorts to punishment because he is angry and irritable, you need to be able to calm him down when a thunderstorm begins. One wonderful priest told me that his grandfather, when the children made noise at the table, hit the culprit on the forehead with a wooden spoon. Grandmother, who knew about this, always gave her husband a spoon with a very thin handle. The spoon broke, and this softened the blow.
Of course, now such educational measures are not common, but a wife needs to be wise and inventive in order to soften her husband’s severity without entering into disputes.
Needlework
Exactly a year before I got married, I suddenly started knitting a lot, crocheting and knitting. My house was filled with lace napkins, lacy pillowcases on the sofa cushions and other cozy things. Many acquaintances, constantly meeting me with a hook and knitting needles, expressed dissatisfaction and said that I looked like an old woman with a village stocking. And my husband later said that he fell in love with me as a knitter.
They say that handicrafts - knitting, embroidery, sewing, beadwork, and for the more advanced, home weaving - awaken some age-old dormant feminine essence. When this age-old entity awakens, the girl suddenly finds herself married.
What even Baba Yaga should know
Image from robertlpeters.com
The book “Household Economics,” published back in Soviet times, gives the following advice: “You must remember that you need to prepare for your husband’s return from service every day. Prepare the children: wash them, comb their hair and dress them in clean, smart clothes. They should line up and greet their father when he comes to the door. For such an occasion, put on a clean apron yourself and try to decorate yourself - for example, tie a bow in your hair.
Do not enter into conversations with your husband, remember how tired he is, and that every day he has to go to work for your sake. Feed him silently, and only after he reads the newspaper can you try to talk to him.”
This will probably seem like a joke to you, but many men tell me that when they come home tired, their wives do not allow them to rest - they pester them with various questions, with stories, and they suffer from this, poor things.
Even Baba Yaga in the Russian folk tale, before asking Ivanushka, who wandered into her hut on chicken legs, about something, first fed him; he even suggested to her: “First, feed me, give me something to drink, and then ask me questions!” And wives need to remember this. After all, a well-fed man is kinder.
When I gave advice from “House Economics” to one mother with many children, tired of life, she was very surprised and said that at home everything is the other way around: her husband comes home, she wants to quickly feed him and go to rest, and he starts pestering her with conversations, questions; not realizing how tired she gets during the day.
Well, well... It happens, and such a test falls to your lot. You have to sit and answer questions about the children, listen to stories about your husband’s boss or subordinates. In this case, before your husband comes home, you need to play some fairy tale for the children, and lie down for 15 minutes or read a canon to gain strength before meeting your husband. You should be consoled by the fact that he loves you so much that it is difficult for him to end the day without talking to you.
How to improve relationships
Start by eliminating unnecessary emotional stress
By accumulating negativity and concentrating attention on it, we block access to positive events. Break out of the vicious circle
Did your husband come in in a bad mood and did it rub off on you?
Don’t give in, act unexpectedly: take pity on him if he’s tired, feed him a heartily cooked dinner, give him a relaxing foot massage, give him aromatic tea with relaxing additives - there are a lot of options, choose the one that suits you. Learn to enjoy it. Believe me, your spouse will not remain in debt and will want to do something nice for you too.
Is it difficult to cross the threshold of grievances? Turn on cheerful music while preparing dinner or a room for romance, eat chocolate or citrus, which also helps change your mood towards the positive.
What do we have to do
If you have forgotten about yourself, then why do you demand that your husband continue to admire you as before? The best time to take care of yourself is now. It’s a benefit for you, it’s a pleasure for him. Take off your washed robe, put away your worn sweatpants and a T-shirt with a cool inscription, undo the bun on your head and feel like a luxurious woman.
A beautiful fairy can inspire a man to greater feats than a displeased, snorting, tired horse. This is also useful because you will shift your focus from family problems to something beautiful.
By the way, about inspiration. Inspiring a man is a woman’s direct responsibility. This is one of the surest ways to give him the opportunity to feel like a man and see a fragile woman in you. After all, only a weak woman next to him makes a man strong. This is inherent in us by nature; when the balance is disturbed, relationships begin to sway from side to side.
Helping your spouse row does not mean taking the oars yourself. Don't pinch off pieces of his self-confidence with caustic criticism. You just have to give him strength, demonstrating your unshakable confidence: what and how he does is the best that could be thought of in this situation.
I suggest watching a video on the topic:
What not to do
How many sayings exist about the creative and destructive power of words. And for good reason. For example, constant repetition of phrases like “I told you so” can ultimately destroy a marriage. What else you shouldn't do if you want to improve your relationship:
- Remind about mistakes.
- Ask single friends for advice.
- Complain and blame him for things you knew about before marriage (spends a lot, doesn’t show imagination in bed, doesn’t have a sense of humor, etc.)
- Forget about romance, especially if there are children.
- Compare with Katyukha’s husband, who, as always, did a great job: he arranged shopping for his beloved, and sat with the children, and pleased her with a new necklace.
In addition, stories about the daily mischief of children contribute to cooling
This is not about serious things that both parents should pay attention to. But when he comes home from work tired, you shouldn’t finish off by saying that Dimka broke the plate again, and Masha took out the lipstick again and painted the wall
If you need to vent, call a friend who also has children. She will understand better, and maybe even give good advice.
How to be at peace with your husband's relatives and friends
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Be prepared to perceive your husband not as an individual person, but together with his relatives: with his mother - your mother-in-law, his father - your father-in-law, with your husband's sisters - with your daughters-in-law. And if you don’t like someone, you need to be prepared to be patient. This is how respect is shown for the husband’s loved ones and for himself, because his relatives are part of his life. Love must be sacrificial.
How to overcome hostility if it arises? There is such a way - prayer for these people. If you pray, your heart will become softer, and your relationships will become smoother and calmer.
The husband has not only relatives, but also friends. At first, of course, he will forget about everyone, spend time only with you, text you every five seconds. But then the friends will return. Therefore, it is better to get to know them in advance.
For a man, friends, it seems to me, are more important than friends for a woman. He cannot be deprived of the opportunity to communicate with them.
There is no need to think that if your husband married you, then now he is entirely yours. After the wedding, he will have and continue relationships with both friends and parents.
Moreover, if he is one child in the family, especially loved by his mother. It'll be hard. The mother-in-law may involuntarily be jealous, demand additional attention to herself, and do this indirectly, but in a roundabout way, because female nature is, I won’t say “cunning,” but very flexible.
To overcome all this, you need to be prepared for it and try to be patient, helping yourself with prayer. Over time, as the experience of many shows, if you make an effort and force yourself to be kind, the relationship between daughter-in-law and mother-in-law will level out, even if it was difficult.
Got married? 5 rules in short
Don't attack the farm like crazy. You will soon get tired of washing the floors twice a day and twisting pickles, but he doesn’t understand your games of mother and daughter and will quickly get used to it. Then you will swear over every unironed shirt.
Think twice about big purchases. Especially on credit.
Don't try to be his mother's best friend. You'll screw it up. No revelations, tears on the shoulder and discussions of the behavior of her precious son. Smooth official relations: Lidia Nikolaevna, here are flowers, here are perfumes, here is a house, here is a threshold, very tasty borscht. All. And yes, don't call her mom.
Don't get matching tattoos. Or at least large paired tattoos. Or at least large couple tattoos indicating that you cannot live without your husband. The ring can be removed, but the tattoo with the wedding date in words will then have to be filled in with black.
Never end a relationship “forever” because of violent scandals. Only interrupt forever if you don't care anymore. Only when all his attempts to cause a scandal cause you only dull irritation.
Be tolerant, don’t ruin your life:
- quarrels for the sake of self-affirmation (“how could he treat ME like that”, “he doesn’t consider ME at all”). You knew what you were getting into, and if you didn’t, that means you’re a fool, and that serves you right;
- quarrels over relatives. Bad, but theirs;
- petty quarrels. This is your “could you have taken a normal-colored napkin?!” That's just funny;
- drunken quarrels;
- quarrels over an unclosed tube of toothpaste.
Two years later you will remember all these quarrels with bewilderment - two hours of hysteria with drooling and wheezing over an unwashed cup is not worth it.
Avoid being a boring saw
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A wife's duty is to be wise. Not cunning, but wise. We must ask God for wisdom. All Christians are commanded to be wise as serpents, although simple as doves.
Directly, by force, by pressure, it will not be possible to achieve anything from your husband: to accustom him to cleanliness, for example, if he is sloppy; ask for time with you; get a job and stop playing tanks on the computer.
You can nag him every day, put pressure on him, persuade him, but men don’t give in to that. And relationships can deteriorate irrevocably.
Many girls, while not married themselves, agree with this, understand the failure of this method of influence, but, having become a wife, still do not avoid the role of a boring saw. And they don't even notice it!
What is the right way, you ask. A woman’s strength is in her weakness, and men are more likely to bow to a quiet, gentle, meek request.
You need to be feminine, you need to be able to maintain femininity in everything - in relation to your husband, to children, to life - you need to be different from a man. This is why men love women.
What if this doesn't help? I endure, I endure, I endure - but he only gets worse. We must not forget about God, who can do everything. If you pray earnestly for your husband, the situation will definitely change: either your husband will become more careful, or his carelessness will no longer irritate you.
If you quarreled
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You and your husband need to be the first to make peace, no matter what happens. Anything can happen, but you can’t go to bed without making peace. There is no need to postpone the showdown until the next day. If your husband is irritated, you cannot be irritated too. If you are unable to do this, it is better to avoid the conversation under a plausible pretext.
If you want to talk about something important but controversial, it is better to do it in the morning, so that before the evening you both have time to think it over, calm down and reconcile.
For serious conversations, you need to choose a time when your husband is in a good mood. When he ate, for example. Or his favorite team won.
How to change limiting beliefs?
If you have already taken a piece of paper and began to write down everything that you think about marriage - continue to write down - let this be your first column. In the second column on a piece of paper, write down the emotions and feelings that you experience when remembering this or that picture about marriage. Remember everything: other people’s experiences, your own, everything you saw on TV and is etched in your memory. Also, be sure to think and write down what you experience when you see happy married couples and their harmonious family relationships.
If, watching happy married couples, you feel fear of marriage, then marriage itself or just family life, even without a stamp in your passport, may be perceived as something unattainable. So, looking at a happy married couple, you might have the thought that they were able to get married and become happy, but you could not get married. At least it seems so to you, and sometimes you even sincerely believe it, crying alone in the evenings. Be sure to write down all your emotions.
Meet your future husband's confessor
Photo by Sergei Kostenko from the site rasfokus.ru
If your future husband does not have a confessor, you need to help find one. Because then you will have no one to ask for advice or help. Who will you go to if your husband doesn’t listen to anyone? A person must have an authority whom he trusts and consults with.
If the groom has a confessor, get to know him, ask about this priest, find out what his views are, how close these views are to you. Is there not a big difference between the views of your confessor and your husband’s confessor?
The husband and wife may have different confessors, but in this case it is better to agree before marriage - which church to go to, how to pray (together or separately), so that there are no disputes later.
The husband needs to be warned that in all matters you will obey him, but in spiritual matters (how often should you receive communion, how to fast, etc.) - your confessor.
There is no need to pit your husband and confessor against each other, so that your husband does not develop tension or jealousy towards your confessor.
Be careful and reasonable.
In a dispute with your husband, you should not cite the opinion of your confessor as an argument if your husband does not have confidence in him. Even if he treats your confessor with respect, it is better to say: “I think this is better,” “it seems to me that it is right to do this,” and not “this is what my confessor advised me to do.” After all, you freely choose to obey your confessor in this or that matter and you yourself are responsible for this or that decision.
Nursing
Around the same time, I moved to a private house with my grandfather. My grandfather was ill, and he was already over 80. I learned how to run a farm there. Grandfather developed old-age quirks: he ate only one type of vegetable soup from the same products, demanded that handkerchiefs and knitted T-shirts be ironed for him, and loudly cheered for CSKA in front of the TV, not missing a single match, even night broadcasts. Before that, I was a complete egoist, but now I had to learn to coexist with someone who is older, smarter and more significant. Learn to humble yourself, endure and give up primacy.
Childless couples are often advised to get a small helpless kitten or plant an indoor flower - they say that this helps to learn how to care for a weak creature, and then children will come to the family. But the kitten and the flower are about children, not about the husband. If you want to attract a man into your life, start caring for someone stronger than you. You can, for example, volunteer in a military hospital. Even if you don't meet your future husband there in the person of a wounded soldier, you will feel how you should treat him.
Choose a person with whom you are interested
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It is better when husband and wife have a common cultural level. Emotionally and temperamentally, spouses can be very different, but their social circle and interests must coincide.
If the cultural level differs, and your husband, for example, does not understand serious music at all, and you are used to going to the conservatory every week and Haydn quartets are playing at home all the time; If you don’t fall asleep yet, be sure to re-read Gogol or Pushkin, and he loves low-grade detective stories, there may be difficulties in family life.
A year must pass before the wedding
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My main advice is don't rush. Take a closer look at the person throughout the year.
Not only crazy people have exacerbations in spring and autumn. Every person feels differently at different times of the year. Therefore, in a year you have the opportunity to get to know a person more fully, from different sides, in good and bad, difficult periods.
It is very important to find out before marriage not only the good, but also the bad sides of the future husband. Try to see him with a sober look. Pray that the Lord will show him to you as he is.
Before making a decision about marriage, it is imperative that the candidate meet his confessor and parents. They should also participate in choosing a husband, because if a person is besotted with love, it is difficult for him to think soberly.
True, we had a case when one couple got married secretly - my mother was categorically against it. But then the blessing of Patriarch Alexy II was received for the wedding. I reconciled with my mother and everything is fine. But this is an exceptional case. As a rule, it is worth listening to the opinions of parents.
As for girlfriends, I don’t know. If you have some wise friend, you can introduce her to the groom and then ask her opinion. Although, of course, it should not be decisive.
What to remember:
So, summarizing all of the above, we can highlight the most important points:
- Down with fears and complexes - this is an obstacle to a happy personal life. If there are problems that you cannot solve on your own, you should contact a specialist.
- A clear goal is achievable, but scattered, vague “wants” are not. What should a man be like? What does it take to match it? Is he worthy? The questions listed above must be answered before the wedding.
- Marriage is an important step that needs to be approached with a cool mind. Behind the pink fog of falling in love, you can miss dangerous calls and fall straight into the clutches of a tyrant or selfish person. You should not ignore warning signs in the behavior of your chosen one.
The main reason for divorces
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Probably the main reason that people get divorced so often in our country is that their acquaintance was short-lived, and the decision to get married was ill-considered and not very responsible.
There was such a case with the elder, Father Pavel Troitsky. One girl fell in love with a young man, asked permission to go on a date with him, and Father Pavel, since he was a perspicacious man, knew that this man was not suitable for her husband. But he allowed me to go on a date and said: “I will pray that you see him as he is.”
And when the girl came on this date, she suddenly saw the young man completely different, not the way he had imagined.
Therefore, before marriage, you need to be very critical of your future husband: doubt, not trust your feelings, not trust your mind. Be very careful.
So that it doesn’t turn out that you marry a prince, and your husband turns out to be Ivanushka the Fool.
If there is a man, but he doesn’t ask for marriage
Talk directly about your desire to get married
Talking about where your relationship is heading is a non-binding option, but it does dot the i’s.
But it is important to be prepared for the fact that the answers to provocative questions may be different, including unpleasant. On the one hand, a boyfriend can take a ring out of his sock drawer and propose immediately
On the other hand, you may hear that a person does not want to marry - at all or with you.
Any answer is beneficial. You will either understand when to plan a wedding, or you will go in search of a man whose matrimonial plans coincide with yours.
Hint
Let's say you read a lot of advice in women's magazines and at the beginning of the relationship emphasized in every possible way that you do not want to get married. Or you really didn’t want to and weren’t embarrassed to talk about it. Or you have already rejected one proposal from this man for some unrelated reasons, but are now ripe for marriage. In these cases, the boyfriend may put off the proposal because he doesn't want to hear a refusal.
It's time to carefully inform your lover that you never had time to do this before, but now you are quite ready. And here is the time to turn to those same women’s magazines and take advantage of their hints and advice. The point is not at all that they are broadcasting some ingenious ways to communicate their desire to get married. It’s just that men are quite familiar with these encryptions and recognize them well.
So, how can you eloquently hint at the desire to try on a white dress:
- gasp in admiration at the sight of wedding shop windows;
- watch a romantic film and cry with happiness for the heroine in the scenes with the proposal and wedding;
- tell your friend that the guy finally proposed to your friend, and they dated just as long as you did.
But you still shouldn’t go beyond the boundaries of adequacy, especially if you usually don’t groan, even when you hit your little toe on the battery. So, one “specialized” film will be enough; it is not necessary to organize a week-long movie marathon. If a man doesn’t understand hints, it’s not because you’re not trying hard. He just doesn't want to get married.
Visit relatives and tactless friends more often
You don't have to initiate the conversation about marriage on your own. It is enough to choose the right company. Hundreds of questions in the style of “Why don’t you get married?” sooner or later they will force you to look for answers to them. Many couples end up deciding for themselves: why not. And they get married.
Make an offer yourself
It’s hardly worth buying a ring and getting down on one knee in front of your lover. But a touching speech in which you tell him that you want to spend your whole life with him will be very useful. Saying “marry me” at the right time has caused many more marriages than you might think.
Find rational reasons for marriage
In some cases, marriage may be a logical and beneficial solution. For example, you can reduce the interest rate on your mortgage if you take it out as a young family. Or emigrate together if one of the couple is offered a good job abroad.
Considerations of practicality and benefit are a good reason to go to the registry office for those who do not see the point in a stamp.
Change man
If your boyfriend clearly does not want to get married, and this issue is of fundamental importance to you, then perhaps you should look for a person with whom your views on an important issue coincide.
Include "wife demo"
Of course, for the sake of marriage, you can start preparing three-course meals every day and spend all your free time with a vacuum cleaner and a mop. It is even possible that such tactics will work. But do you really need an alliance with a man who only appreciated you when you became a cleaner and a cook?
Create the appearance of competition
The advice to pretend that your lover has a competitor who will not hesitate to propose sounds quite often. But such tactics can lead to the opposite effect. Serious relationships usually lead to marriage. The presence of a second man, whom you are also ready to marry, indicates more of your frivolity and infidelity than of your relevance.
Secretly get pregnant
No contraceptive is 100% guaranteed, and unplanned pregnancies do happen. But piercing condoms, lying about pills and other manipulations is reproductive violence, and any violence is an extremely unpleasant thing. You shouldn’t do this, even if no one knows about it, because it’s disgusting.
The Enchanted Prince
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But when you get married and have been crowned, everything changes here. Here you can recall a fairy tale about how one young man was taught to behave well and treat people correctly. And one teacher told him: “You must see a prince in everyone, and serve him like a prince - like an enchanted prince, although he may not even look like a prince.”
Likewise, a wife, if she chose a husband for herself, got married, got married, and he suddenly turned out to be bad, she should treat him like an enchanted prince.
After all, you and I are Christians, we know that human nature has amazing capabilities, and a person can change. And you can become better, and your husband can become better - thanks to mutual patience, respect, selfless love and God's help. This is what you need to believe in.
