Sometimes people manage to describe their problems so colorfully that it is difficult to resist the temptation to rush to help them. Poor, abandoned by everyone, they are ready to spend hours telling stories about how bad they feel. And when you get carried away—roll up your sleeves and put things in order in someone else’s life—you hear an offended “thank you, I didn’t ask you for this.” Or even worse: “Put everything back in its place! I was happy with my worthless life, and you came and ruined everything...”
It would seem, where is human gratitude? You have taken away part of your time, wasted energy and resources, although you could have calmly chilled on the sidelines, and they are still showing their “feelings” to you! Where does so much bile and aggression come from? But the fact is that the person really didn’t ask you for anything, you yourself turned on Superman mode, without having any right to do so.
Why can't you help people? 7 obvious reasons
The person is not ready for change
To change the situation, you need to want it, to mature morally. No one can do this for us, time must pass, some kind of rethinking process must take place. Sometimes a difficult situation has hidden benefits. For example, a person finds himself in an area of increased attention, everyone around him cares about him, they feel sorry for him - of course, he gets hooked on this “doping”. And it also happens that the problem increases the status of the martyr: against the background of an alcoholic husband or a parasite son, a woman seems like a saint! She feels superior to others - only a strong person can endure and endure so much. Then why should she change?
Its resources are in short supply
It’s easy to look at suffering from the outside and give advice: “spit and grind,” “file for divorce,” “sell the business and start life from scratch.” The trick is that we have not been in the place of another, we do not know his experiences, reserve of physical and mental strength. Perhaps the person is overwhelmed by depression, so he does not have the resources to change anything. Perhaps he is being weighed down by problems that you have no idea about. A crisis in your personal life, a dangerous medical diagnosis, the threat of dismissal. If a person does nothing, this does not mean that he is sabotaging, it’s just that now is not the right moment.
What kind of help do you need?
The amount of assistance that needs to be provided is very important. If its volume is too small, then perhaps the people who need it will not receive any practical benefit. However, if you try to do something beyond your capabilities, you yourself will suffer from it.
If you want to make large enough donations, but are unable to afford it, you can try to attract other people to help. This way, those in need will be able to fully get what they need without you having to penalize yourself too much.
Helping other people is truly a noble act. However, even the most noble actions must be carried out with the right strategy. That is why, before providing assistance to another person, you need to carefully weigh and evaluate everything so that the result is as positive as possible for both you and the person to whom this help is provided.
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There is a threat of negative consequences
What's the point of exchanging an awl for soap? When it is known for sure that changes will not bring anything good, but will only worsen the problem. Sometimes it is better to wait out the storm, surrendering to the flow, than to panic, do stupid things and drown yourself. It is not always necessary to really help people, especially if the situation is ambiguous. Naturally, this does not apply to events when a person does not see a way out due to the limitations of his thinking or excessive fixation on the problem. Then it’s worth opening the victim’s eyes and demonstrating different options for overcoming the crisis. Again, do not decide for her, but only educate.
Get things done
Compromise is the enemy of long-term commitment. If you make a commitment to help someone, by being a mentor or advocating for the rights of others, don't stop halfway. Finish what you start. Make sure that some changes occur so that your commitments do not turn out to be empty words.
The difference between stopping halfway and finishing the job will not be as big in terms of getting the work done, but it will be very noticeable to the person you are helping.
By your participation you strengthen his infantilism
Let's be honest: how can a person learn to solve his problems if you take everything upon yourself every time? You do not allow the individual to develop, take responsibility, show independence and initiative. You are so actively protective that you deprive him of the necessary experience and, in fact, make him dependent on you. Of course, you won't get a pat on the head for this! You've stroked your ego, gained leverage, and are happy. And the person felt weak, vulnerable and useless, and therefore did not show due gratitude.
Changes can destroy an already fragile picture of the world
By actively participating in a person’s life, opening his eyes to the real state of things, you risk hurting him. In the end, he lived in sweet ignorance, thinking that everything would work out on its own. The spouse will understand what he has lost and will return. Clients will appreciate the company's potential and save an unprofitable business. The child will outgrow the disease and there will be no need for surgery. And then you came and opened a secret abscess, destroying everything he believed in. It is difficult to forgive the “scoundrel” who took away the last island of hope.
The person considers the problem to be normal
It is impossible to help someone who is attached to his problem, living in it from the very cradle. The first rule for change is awareness of your situation, and only then action. Unfortunately, over time, the victim gets used to humiliation, assault or lack of money, and therefore considers a bad life to be the norm. Don’t be offended by other people’s ingratitude, carry out educational work. Explain why it is wrong to tolerate violence; What is good and what is pathology? Only by changing your perspective on the problem can you somehow help.
What assistance should be provided?
When planning to provide help, you need to clearly understand what exactly you can do and how much the person needs it. Naturally, any help can be useful, but it is important that it is as effective, rational and correct as possible.
For example, if a friend is unemployed, then you can help him by lending him money. However, the most effective assistance will be in finding a job. If you're in school and your friend doesn't understand certain material, it's much better to explain the topic to him than to just give him a cheat sheet during a test.
That is why it is worth being clear about what actions can be taken and which of them will be the best to actually bring real benefits that will serve in the long term, and not be short-term.
Drawing conclusions
Do not rush to run to the person with an outstretched hand as soon as you hear strained sobs. Sometimes all you need is open ears, a little attention and support. If all your offers of help are refused or assured that the situation cannot be changed, take my word for it, this is an indicator that at the moment the person is not ready for change. Don’t take it upon yourself to solve other people’s problems; not only will they not thank you, but they will also blame you for all your sins. And they will be right - why would you go with your “goods” to where no one invited you?
Text:
I try to help everyone, but they start taking advantage of me. What am I doing wrong?
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The editors of the magazine “Foma” received a question from a reader:
Hello! All my life I have been tormented by the question: “Is it worth helping others?” It would seem, of course. Help everyone - and good things will come back to you. Only in life everything is different. In my youth, I was a kind and open person - I tried to help everyone. And everyone used me. In difficult moments, I also wanted help and support, but there was none. One day I asked my mother: “Why don’t my brother and his family help me like I helped them so many times?” And I heard in response: “Don’t be ridiculous.” What's funny about this?
In the end I just closed down. I haven’t communicated with my relatives for many years: even when, shortly before my mother’s death, I needed help and I turned to them, they refused under various pretexts. But I’m already at retirement age, and I feel lonely. I want to fix this. But, remembering my youth, I am very afraid of “stepping on the same rake.”
Galina
Archpriest Igor Fomin, rector of the Church of the Holy Blessed Prince Alexander Nevsky at MGIMO, answers the question:
Archpriest Igor FOMIN
Dear Galina, your desire is natural. Helping others is what it means to be a Christian and try to get closer to God. This good impulse cannot be questioned, although there is always a risk of disappointment. The reason is our damaged human nature. But first things first.
The Lord created man for rejoicing - so that he would remain in the love, goodness and mercy of God. This is what comes naturally to us. But sin came into the world and turned everything upside down: evil became an integral part of our lives. And evil is the absence of good. Since then, evil deeds have been easier for a person, and virtue seems like an unbearable burden.
And yet we must remember that when we choose between good and evil, we make a choice, and this choice is most often rationalistic, and, as a rule, in favor of sin. And then there is an imposition of a good impulse to help on our imperfections. We begin to think: since I did a good deed (which, perhaps, is good only in our eyes), then the people around me should respond to me in the same way. Yes, indeed, the Holy Scripture says: do as you want to be done to you, and what you sow is what you reap. But this does not mean at all that market relations for the exchange of good deeds should be established between people.
Doing good should be as natural as eating and drinking. There is no need to perceive it as heroism. But today the time has come for mercy, which is measured not by the strength of love for people, but by the degree of willingness to sacrifice one’s comfort: “I will help, but only as much as is convenient for me. And you, neighbor, accept my goods with honor, otherwise I will no longer help.” But if you “stress” in order to get something in return from God, yourself or others, it turns into a routine job in which there is no question of striving for salvation.
The Word of God is beyond doubt: indeed, whatever you sow is what you will reap. But it is not a fact that good will return to you from the person to whom you did this good deed. Often we simply do not notice the good that is happening for our sake: they gave us a seat on the subway, they greeted us, they smiled at us, they served us politely - we take all this for granted. We are accustomed to highly value our own good deeds and underestimate the deeds of others. We gave one hundred rubles to a beggar and wait for God to open a bank account for us. But our good deeds should change us, return us to a natural paradise state. This is what we should think about, and not about what others have not given us.
“My neighbor did not help me, but he should have” - this false attitude is very popular. And no one owes us anything. If you need specific help, make a list, post it online and ask, “Who can help?” I am sure that good people will respond to your call. But don’t expect people to figure out your need on their own.
So what is the right way to help your neighbor with what thoughts? The psalmist David formulated this well: not to us, O Lord... but to your name give glory (Ps 113 :9). This means: address all your good deeds to God.
A person who sincerely helps people cannot be “used.” He has no contradictions between real feelings, intentions and manifestations of these feelings, that is, deeds in relation to another person. If you help sincerely, then external circumstances, whatever they may be, will not be terrible - they will not be an embarrassment or a hindrance.
The same cannot be said about someone who imagines something about himself and begins to do “good” out of vanity and pride. Vanity is not just about admiring yourself in front of the mirror. This is also when you stand in front of the mirror and scold, humiliate, and dislike yourself. And then it’s easier to say: “I’m poor, unhappy, I help everyone, and everyone takes advantage of me,” than: “I help everyone, that’s why I’m the best of people.” You can even become dependent on your own weakness, on self-neglect, and you may like to be a victim. Such help to neighbors only gives rise to doubts and pain, and certainly cannot be natural.
So, if your relatives are pressing you, and you cannot say “no,” this does not mean that you are a kind and good person. This may well mean that you secretly want to be the center of the earth around which society revolves, admiring your “good” deeds. But you can’t save yourself by doing these things. You cannot save yourself by works at all. By deeds you can testify to your state - either devilish, or heavenly, Divine.
Of course, it is easier to be weak and grumble against God than to glorify Him. It’s easier to close yourself off from everyone than to show participation, forgetting about yourself. It is easier not to believe in people than to truly love them. But I want to remind you: Christians live in a world where Christ has conquered death. And in this world there is no place for personal comfort for them: they have to choose - comfort or life with Christ? Galina also faces this choice. She already knows how to do good. All that remains is to make the right choice.
Prepared by Anastasia Bavinova
