In Orthodoxy, sacrifice is a Christian virtue, which consists of self-denial for the sake of fulfilling the commandments of love for God and neighbor. The highest forms of sacrifice are considered martyrdom and death.
“...Every virtue gives rise to sacrifice. Perfect virtue gives birth to complete self-denial. The highest virtue - love - gives birth to perfect self-denial" - St. Nicholas of Serbia.
Sacrifice in Orthodoxy is celebrated as a Christian virtue, which consists of self-denial for the sake of fulfilling the commandments of love for God and neighbor.
The suffering of the cross - such was the sacrifice of Jesus Christ for the sake of all humanity. Photo: i.pinimg.com
Sacrifice is born from love, these two concepts are inseparable
Sacrifice is born from love. These two concepts are inseparable. There is also no love without sacrifice. And love manifests itself in sacrifice. Nowadays it is often said that people have little sacrificial spirit, and therefore little love. The further a person is from God, the less he demonstrates the ability to love. That is why he moves further and further from God, because he is not capable of sacrifice.
Faith and love for God imply at the very beginning that a person sacrifices his passions, habits, and any sinful attachments for Him. A person who does not reject the existence of the church, but also does not want to become a member of the church, to live a church life, then the basis of this reluctance is a passion or habit that the person does not decide to sacrifice.
Sacrifice is often called holy generosity.
They say that sacrifice is not characteristic of small souls. As they say, a person has a small soul and is selfish. He will try with all his might to keep what is his to himself, not to give in or give away anywhere.
The Gospel speaks about sacrificial love
Let's consider what the Gospel says about sacrifice, about sacrifice. The Gospel mentions two sisters - Mary and Martha. They both loved Christ very much, and each tried to serve Him in her own way. Their attitude towards the Savior was different, which formed the basis for the distinction in Christian asceticism between two types of ministries. If you look at this, you can see that the service of Mary is an image of spiritual activity, as well as the complete aspiration of the soul towards God. But Martha’s ministry is precisely sacrificial care for her neighbors for the sake of Christ.
Here we see Martha and Mary - two sisters who wanted to serve the Lord.
Serving Mary in this example is an image of spiritual activity, as well as the complete aspiration of the soul towards God. But Martha’s ministry is precisely sacrificial care for her neighbors for the sake of Christ. Photo: sib-catholic.ru
And which of these sisters did Christ choose in first place? Of course, no man can measure the love of God. But the words of the Lord tell us that He singled out Mary. But if we carefully read the lines of the Gospel, we will see the following: “...Jesus loved Martha and her sister and Lazarus” (John 11: 5). Martha is the first to be mentioned here.
Martha’s service is a selfless and sacrificial service to others for the sake of Jesus Christ, who, as the Gospel says, “... came not to be served, but to serve and to give His soul as a ransom for many” (Matthew 20:28).
Whom God Saves
– Why does the Church claim that only “our own” people will end up in heaven, while everyone else will go to hell?
– The words “The Church affirms” are true only in the case of Councils that have the status of Ecumenical. However, none of them claimed that all people who do not belong to the Church automatically go to hell. The opposite point of view - the idea of saving absolutely everyone, including the devil - was truly anathematized by the participants of the V Ecumenical Council, although this idea inspired Origen, Gregory of Nyssa and some other thinkers of the Christian East. But God does not abolish the freedom of His creation, even if it is turned against Him. Love cannot be imposed, and God does not do this either in time or in eternity.
The other extreme was the position of St. Augustine. He believed that even babies who died unbaptized would go to hell, not to mention pagans. But still, the Sacraments are not a turnstile, and God is not a controller who lets you into the Kingdom with tickets that He Himself distributes...
There is no salvation outside of God, but what are the limits of His participation in the destinies of people? Do they coincide with the spatiotemporal boundaries of the Church? Or can traces of His Providence be discerned both in ancient civilizations and in the lives of modern non-Christians? In the Orthodox East, the last question was answered rather positively, in the West – more often negatively.
So, firstly, it is necessary to distinguish between the dogmatic teaching of the Church and private theological theories, which do not necessarily coincide with Her teaching, even if they were adhered to by any saints. And secondly, according to the teachings of the Church, there is no predestination both in the fact that all non-church people are doomed to destruction, and in the fact that all people will be able to enter the Heavenly Kingdom.
– But then it turns out that the Church is either being hypocritical or does not notice an obvious logical contradiction: on the one hand, salvation is possible only through Christ, and on the other, it is not said anywhere that everyone who does not believe in Him or does not recognize the Church will end up in hell. Probably, having said “A”, you should say “B”...
– One does not contradict the other here. Christ says: “From everyone to whom much has been given, much will be required, and to whom much has been entrusted, from him will be required more” (Luke 12:48). Therefore, although the coming Judgment will be carried out according to a single “code,” Christians will be asked most strictly, because everything has been given and revealed to them. Then, according to the law of the Old Testament, the Jews who did not reach Christianity and were born before Christ will be judged. Finally, the third category is the pagans who knew nothing at all about the God of the Bible. They did not have direct and obvious Revelation, and they will be judged according to the law of conscience, which was for them the measure of good and bad.
Therefore, everyone has hope, including those pagans to whom the Lord did not address either directly or through missionary preaching. The Creator wants salvation for everyone, calls everyone to eternal joy. However, a person can mutilate and distort himself. And the easiest way to cripple yourself without knowing about God is in paganism (and you can also become physically crippled, like the priests of Cybele who castrated themselves). But with the same success this can be done in Christianity, if you do not fulfill the will of God.
A pelican feeding its chicks with its flesh is a symbol of the sacrificial love of the Heavenly Father for his children. Athos. Photo by Archpriest Alexey Semkin
We know that whoever “keeps the word of Christ will never see death” (John 8:51). But we don’t fully know what awaits people who have lived their lives outside of Christ. Yes, there is no salvation outside the Church, this path leads to destruction, to eternal death, but only the Lord knows which path this or that soul took. In addition, there are the mysterious words of the Apostle Peter that Christ, having descended after the Cross into the limits of death, preached “to the spirits in prison” (1 Pet. 3:19). We are talking here about those who died in the waters of the flood during the time of Noah, that is, about the rebellious, unrepentant pagans.
– It seems to me that you only confirmed the contradiction: there is no salvation outside the Church, outside of Christ, and no one knows whether non-church people will be saved.
– You see, it is very important to distinguish between the person himself and his actions. According to the thought of Abba Dorotheus (VII century), “it’s another way to say: he was angry, and another thing to say: he’s angry.” In the second case, we condemn “the very disposition of his soul, pronounce a sentence on his entire life, saying that he is like this, and condemn him as such - and this is a grave sin” * But if we have unfaithful, false actions - about this a judgment can and should be made. For example, we can say: “these actions separate a person from God.” But it is impossible to fully know what fate awaits him, because at any moment he can change his attitude towards his actions, repent of them, and correct them. Finally, we ourselves may be fundamentally mistaken in interpreting their meaning. On the other hand, although the experience of the Church convinces us that the path of Christian life leads to salvation, to fullness of communion with God, it does not at all follow from this that everyone who calls themselves Christians will automatically be saved. According to the words of the Savior: “Not everyone who says to Me: “Lord! Lord!”, will enter the Kingdom of Heaven, but he who does the will of My Father in Heaven” (Matthew 7:21).
– The editor often receives letters that talk about the evil, sins, and injustices of church people and even the clergy. This is on the one hand. On the other hand, there are many people far from the Church who lead an honest, highly moral life. Why are the former better than the latter?
– I think this stereotype – that the Church thinks so – was formed at the end of the 19th century and was picked up by Bolshevik agitprop. In fact, this is not true, and “bad” Christians are no better than “good” pagans. The fate of any person in eternity depends not only on faith, but also on what he did or was ready to do for his neighbor and for what he did it.
Many apologists and theologians cited the virtues of the pagans as an example to Christians. For example, in the 4th century, Gregory the Theologian, in his instructions on “humility, chastity and abstinence,” says that despite all the nightmare of paganism, there were oases of purity and strength of spirit, gives specific examples, and then directly says: “therefore... borrow from what is good, and discard what does not make you better.”
When the pagans, without knowing it themselves, act according to the commandments, they, according to the words of the Apostle Paul, “show that the work of the law is written in their hearts. Their conscience and their thoughts testify to this, now accusing, now justifying one another” (Rom. 2: 13-15).
Indeed, very often we find kindness and humanity in people who are far from the Church, including pagans and atheists. And for those Christians who lack such qualities, it is not a sin to learn from them. But here it is important to always ask the question: did these kind, highly moral people become like this thanks to paganism or in spite of it?
For example, in Mesopotamia, sacred prostitution was widespread: once a year, all women had to give themselves to the first person they met in temples, and put the money received in a piggy bank for temple needs. In such a situation, the pagan, if he follows the law of conscience, must rebel against his own religion. By the way, it was precisely such a rebellion that was the birth of Greek philosophy, at the origins of which were Anaxagoras, Heraclitus, Thales... These people can be called “Christians before Christ.” And contemporaries persecuted Greek philosophers for atheism, because they did not honor the pagan gods and tried to find the One Origin of the universe. In this sense, with the help of reason they approached the truth that was revealed to the Jewish people in the Old Testament. It is no coincidence that the galleries of the Annunciation Cathedral of the Moscow Kremlin depict Homer, Anaxagoras, Virgil and other thinkers of ancient Greece and Rome.
Sacrificial love is not almsgiving, but heartfelt insight into the situation of another person.
True love is expressed in action. But what is sacrificial love? Many people put completely different meanings into this concept. Sacrificial love is not just some kind of alms, but heartfelt insight into the situation of another person. This is the kind of empathy when a person’s problem becomes not only his, but yours.
One priest once said that a woman once told him that she didn’t love her mother-in-law, she couldn’t stay with her for a long time, but she still brought her food and helped her if she needed help. What is it? Can this be called sacrificial love? In this case, no, there is no love here. A person forces himself to do something that he does not want at all. This is called sacrifice.
Many people do not quite understand what sacrificial love is.
Sacrificial love is not just some kind of alms, but heartfelt insight into the situation of another person. Photo: nauchitsya-sdelat.ru
There are some words in the Holy Scripture: “If I give away all my possessions... and do not have love, it profits me nothing” (1 Cor. 13:3). Does this mean that there is no benefit to God from sacrifice in our love, and it will not bring any benefit to a person’s soul? Indeed, Christ himself speaks of love as the treasure of the heart, with which sacrifice is inextricably linked. “A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another; just as I have loved you, let you also love one another. By this everyone will know that you are My disciples, if you have love for one another” (John 13: 34–35). “This is My commandment, that you love one another, as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends” (John 15:12-13).
Based on these words, we can understand that love is a natural source of sacrifice, which it is not a pity to give to a loved one. So, without love there can be no sacrifice. Also, no one can force a person to love.
To Eternity - with a grimace of despair?
Ossuary of the Russian monastery on Mount Athos. Photo by Archpriest Alexey Semkin
– You said that a “bad” Christian is no better than a “good” pagan, and God will ask Christians the most severely. So maybe it’s better to remain unbaptized, never open the Bible, but at the same time try to be a highly moral person?
– The Apostle Paul asked this question. Noting that God will judge not by outward affiliation with Judaism or paganism, but by the disposition of the heart, he cuts off a possible objection: “So, what is the advantage of being a Jew? .. A great advantage in all respects, but especially in the fact that they are entrusted with the word God” (Rom. 3:1-2).”
On the contrary, paganism leads to false goals, perverts all norms of behavior, populating the soul with depraved and vengeful “gods.” And then, my friend, choose one circle for yourself. The Word of God, the commandments, even in the era of the Old Testament, opened up completely different horizons. But the depth of communication with God in the New Testament immeasurably surpasses the gifts of the Old Testament, although they were great - remember how Moses’ face shone when he descended from Sinai, it was difficult to look at him. But God entrusted Christians no longer with His tablets, but with Himself. Therefore, in the Church of Christ, infinitely more is given: God unites His faithful with Himself. This is happening now, here, in our lives. Outside the Church there is no Christ, and outside Christ there are no Easter gifts. Is it worth it, knowing this, to rob yourself?
Even a bad Christian is on the right path. He knows the truth, and therefore will not correlate his life with idols, elements, fate, drums or emptiness. He has the ability to communicate with God, not with ghosts. Becoming a Christian means ceasing to be a battery for the next matrix.
For the Christian ear, in the phrase servant of God, the emphasis is on the second word. If I am God’s, then I am no one else’s. If I belong to the One in whose power all the destinies of the universe are, then no usurper has power over my heart. To become a servant of God means to gain incredible freedom.
Besides, considering yourself a bad Christian isn't that bad in and of itself. It's more of a virtue. The more carefully a person looks into his soul, the brighter the light of truth that illuminates its nooks and crannies, the less reason he has to exalt himself in his faith. And all the more gratitude to the One who did not disdain to have mercy on you.
So, to shy away from Scripture and from the One about whom it is, in the hope that less will be asked, is all the more strange since this very trick means that we cannot escape from “thoughts, now accusing, now justifying one another.” . And it is with these thoughts that we will come to court. I'm afraid this is the ostrich's position. It is unlikely that it will be easier for someone who has heard about Christ and deliberately cut himself off from Him than for someone who nevertheless took it and went to meet Him halfway, even if falling and making mistakes.
– If the Church says that not all non-church people will perish, why doesn’t it pray for the unbaptized?
- It’s not true, he’s praying. If you listen to the prayer requests offered in church during the service, you will hear the phrase: “and for everyone and for everything.” Moreover, the “barren pagan church” is also remembered, there is a petition for the catechumens - people who are just preparing to receive Baptism, and a prayer that the light of Christ will touch the hearts of all living people. But indeed, a purely church prayer performed in the altar during the main Christian service - the Liturgy - is a prayer only for those who consciously came to Christ and united with Him in the Sacrament of Baptism. And I think there is a deep meaning in this. If a person himself did not want salvation, did not want to come to Christ, the Church cannot forcibly impose on him the closest communion with God, Whom he does not love. God saves a person only with his permission. God respects the freedom that He Himself has endowed on man. How can the Church not respect her?!
But all this concerns church prayer. I repeat once again: the Church does not know to the end the path of unbaptized people, does not know why they found themselves outside the Church and were not baptized. Therefore, no one interferes with special effort in praying for them at home, giving alms for them and asking God to see this and help the soul that has gone into eternity.
– They don’t pray for suicides for the same reason as for unbaptized people?
– Suicide is scary because a person enters eternity with a grimace of despair. He renounces the gift of life. As in the case of the unbaptized, the prohibition of church prayer for suicides is a gesture of respect for these people, because a slave is not a pilgrim, no one can be forcibly dragged into heaven. Church prayer involves the descent of grace onto the souls of those for whom they pray. But if a person separated himself from God, if he made his choice against God, why drag him against his will into something that he himself refused?
However, there is nothing formal in the Church, and not every suicide serves as an unambiguous indicator of the impossibility of church prayer. There are at least two and a half cases where suicide does not lead to excommunication from the Church. Firstly, this is insanity. The actions of a mentally abnormal person are not free, so he is not fully responsible for them.
The second and very difficult case is a situation when a girl is threatened with violence, molestation, and she commits suicide not because she is afraid of torture and pain, but because she wants to appear before Christ in purity. These are the rarest situations, but such people are not only remembered by the Church, some of them are glorified as saints. St. John Chrysostom mentions a mother and two daughters whom pagan Roman soldiers led to trial as Christians and, stopping by the river, wanted to rape, but the Christians drowned themselves, leaving their shoes on the shore so that the soldiers could justify themselves to their superiors, proving that the captives did not escape and did not pay off. John Chrysostom glorifies them as holy martyrs.
And the third, completely controversial case (that’s why I said two and a half cases) is spelled out in the military regulations of the Russian Empire: when an officer who knows military secrets that may be decisive for the outcome of the battle is captured and understands that he will be tortured , and he may, unable to bear the torture, give out secret information, which will lead to the death of many soldiers. If such an officer committed suicide in order to save the lives of thousands of other people at the cost of his life, then his funeral service was allowed.
Finally, there is one more caveat. If people close to him are ready to pray for the person who has laid hands on himself, then with the special blessing of the confessor such prayer is allowed. This means that the good that the deceased brought to people left such a deep imprint on them that they are ready to respond with personal prayer work, asking God to, if possible, erase the fatal mistake of the suicide. Such a prayer is not church-wide - the name of the deceased still cannot be included in notes submitted in the church. This is home prayer. And here there are special rules that you need to consult with the priest about. However, no one prevents, in memory of a soul that has deliberately erased itself from the “book of life,” from simply helping – with money, things, participation – those who are in need, and hoping for God’s mercy.
Many holy fathers spoke about what love is
Let's see what the holy fathers said about love. Saint Basil the Great said that the person who loves his neighbor with all his heart fulfills the love of God: “...What is characteristic of love for one’s neighbor? Seek not your own benefits, but the mental and physical benefits of your loved one. He who loves his neighbor fulfills his love for God, because God transfers his mercy to Himself.”
Saint Basil the Great said that the person who loves his neighbor with all his heart fulfills love for God.
Photo: bibliya-online.ru
Saint John Chrysostom believed that love lies not just in words, but in doing good deeds, for example, getting rid of a person’s poverty, helping the sick and needy: “...Love lies not in empty words and not in simple greetings, but in the appearance and performance of deeds, for example, in relieving poverty, helping the sick, freeing from dangers, patronizing those in difficulty, weeping with those who weep and rejoicing with those who rejoice.”
Saint John Chrysostom believed that love lies not just in words, but in doing good deeds.
Photo: 3.bp.blogspot.com
John Chrysostom also said that carnal love is guilt, and spiritual love is praise: “... Carnal love is guilt, and spiritual love is praise; that one is the hateful passion of the soul, and this one is joy, joy and the best decoration of the soul; that one produces enmity in the minds of those who love, and this one destroys existing enmity and establishes great peace in those who love; from that there is no benefit, but still a great waste of money and some unreasonable expenses, a perversion of life, a complete breakdown of houses, and from this there is a great wealth of righteous deeds, a great abundance of virtues.”
The Monk Ephraim the Syrian assured that there is nothing more precious on earth than love. It was love that Ephraim the Syrian considered the main virtue, because love is the cause of all blessings and the salt of virtues: “...Oh, the immeasurable power of love! Neither in heaven nor on earth is there anything more precious than love. She, divine love, is the head of virtues; love is the cause of all good things, love is the salt of virtues, love is the end of the law... She brought down to us from heaven the Son of God... She made fishermen wise; she strengthened the martyrs; she converted deserts into hostels; she filled the mountains and dens with psalmody; she taught husbands and wives to walk the narrow and cramped path... O blessed love, giver of all blessings!”
The Monk Ephraim the Syrian assured that there is nothing more precious on earth than love.
It was love that Ephraim the Syrian considered the main virtue. Photo: azbyka.ru
But Saint Ignatius Brianchaninov said that he accepts only one love. One that acts only according to the sacred commands of the Gospel, in its light, because love is the true light. He never accepted or recognized any other love: “...I understand only that love that acts according to the sacred commands of the Gospel, in its light, which itself is light. I don’t understand any other love, I don’t recognize it, I don’t accept it. Love, extolled by the world, recognized by people as their property, sealed by the fall, is not worthy to be called love: it is a distortion of love. That’s why it is so hostile to holy, true love... Love is light, blind love is not love.”
Saint Ignatius Brianchaninov said that he accepts only one love.
Photo: russlovo.today
Many holy fathers said that forcing oneself to fulfill the commandments without the sympathy of the heart is still useful for everyone. This is how our soul acquires the skill of goodness, and over time our heart can respond to this. And then, as many say, the healing of a person’s heart occurs. Therefore, when we say sacrificial love, we mean a sacrifice out of deep love.
Achilles
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About Orthodox marriage, family and relationships between men and women - an interview Anna Skvortsova with Maria Terekhina, wife of priest Dmitry Terekhin .
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— How can a girl who wants to start an Orthodox family meet her future husband? Is it possible for her to marry an unbeliever?
— Life together should be based, first of all, on the common interests of the spouses, so choosing the other half, in my opinion, should be based on this. There can be a lot of hobbies, for example, a girl is breeding a rare breed of hamsters or learning a foreign language. Accordingly, acquaintance can occur at a language course or in a club for rodent lovers, in a theater or gym, in a museum or at a concert. Acquaintance, of course, can also take place in the temple. But the fact that a man is a believer is not a guarantee that the marriage will be happy. He may be a religious plumber who is interested in boxing, but a religious girl, a conservatory student learning to play the cello, is unlikely to be interested in him. Unfortunately, there are quite a lot of examples of such completely crazy marriages, and they are, as a rule, doomed to collapse. It is especially scary when young people marry “out of obedience” with the urgent blessing of an elder or priest from their parish according to the principle: “Oh! Match your height and get married!” There were also such families in my field of vision. They have long since broken up. It's sad that children also suffer there.
But is it enough just to have common interests? It seems to me - no. It is also extremely important to be able to talk to each other.
—Can we say that the life of Orthodox families differs for the better from the life of non-Orthodox families?
— Among the people around me - relatives, neighbors, friends and acquaintances - there is not a single family in which the spouses do not consider themselves Christians. In any case, they do not openly display a different religion or atheism. However, there is a sad tendency among such families: the more church-going the spouses are, the more unhappy their marriage is and the more unbearable their living together. Several very religious families I knew fell apart before my eyes. Many others' marriages are coming apart at the seams.
Such “Christian” families are in fact completely far from Christianity in essence. Orthodoxy in them is replaced by today's fashionable churchism, often imposed by people who work at churches, but know almost nothing about Christ and have not read the Gospel. Their spiritual experience boils down to an endless collection of superstitions and dubious rules, for failure to comply with which punishment from God is promised. In the marriages of those who have come under the influence of such people (and among the latter there are quite a few priests and so-called elders), Christian love and self-sacrifice are replaced by “patience,” self-torture, mutual insults and accusations of sins. I think that in such caricatured, exemplary church-going families, the lives of spouses and children cannot be anything good.
At the same time, I know of many years of strong marriages of people who were completely unbaptized or baptized in infancy, who were born in the USSR and who are not at all church members. If we look at the fruits of these unions, we will see children and grandchildren who are well-educated and successful in life. And also - the reverent attitude of husband and wife towards each other, which persists even in deep, already decrepit old age. Such marriages are, at their core, Christian.
— How should a Christian wife behave with a non-religious husband? How to avoid the breakdown of a marriage if one of the spouses joins the church, but the other does not?
“Here I remember the family of my friends, intellectuals - a teacher and a scientist. In the nineties of the last century, the wife began to become a church member: she attended services, communicated with local priests, worked with their children, regularly received communion, and read spiritual literature. As an educated person, from the very beginning she was not satisfied with a set of superstitious cliches that are found in every church, but entered catechetical courses, successfully completed them, and was able to introduce elective classes related to Orthodox culture into the secular school.
And her church membership, studies, and desire for knowledge and understanding of the essence of Christianity did not in any way interfere with her family life with her non-religious husband. She went to the temple in the morning, when he was still sleeping. I had time to come, cook breakfast and be with my husband all day. She went to the course with her friend, but it was somehow casual. She did not sit at home, immersed in the Psalter or the teachings of the elders. She was a positive, cheerful person, she sang very beautifully and played the guitar. She found time for regular prayer, reading, and studying literature, but did not take it away from her family. This woman was a wise person: from the beginning of her churching, her spiritual life was not built in opposition to her previous secular life.
Her husband was a serious scientist; he was skeptical about any phenomena new to him, including Christianity. You could talk with him for hours on a religious topic, and he always asked many questions, tried to understand and not blaspheme. He was a believer, but far from church life. At the same time, he treated the spiritual life of his wife with great respect: he did not allow himself to ridicule her about her observance of feasible fasts, did not tear icons from the walls, and did not interfere with prayer.
The marriage of my friends can be called a real Christian union, because the spouses lived their whole lives in perfect harmony, walked hand in hand, even when they were completely sick and infirm. They constantly flirted with each other, hugged, their relationship was full of love and tenderness. Here is an example of the behavior and churching of a Christian woman with a non-religious husband.
— If Christianity is not the common faith of the parents, is it possible to baptize a child secretly from a non-Christian parent?
- In such a case, many parents do not baptize the child at all. Any secret in a family is already a deception that will sooner or later be revealed. Moreover, relationships into which lies have crept are sometimes destroyed in a seemingly empty place.
As for “secret” baptism, after the sacrament is performed, the baptized child will have to live with parents (or one of the parents) who deny God. What then is the meaning of baptism? Is this some kind of magic that can raise a Christian from a baby, despite the fact that his parents have not yet met Christ or have renounced Him?
Not only fathers, but also mothers of children are opposed to baptism. Sometimes men ask to baptize babies secretly from the mother in absentia, without the presence of the baby itself. The most interesting thing is that there are priests who can baptize his little vest instead of a baby.
— What should an Orthodox mother do if her grown-up children stop going to church? Why does this happen?
“Children are well aware of the attitude of those around them, especially adults. The baby visits the temple with his parents, participates in the sacraments, and for him this is a necessity, a part of life. As the child grows up, he continues to attend services, but it is important for him to feel needed in church. And his need should not lie in wiping candlesticks or making a mushroom from natural material in Sunday school (for the rector for reporting), but in the fact that the little person should be loved by those around him. He must experience the joy of being among people in church, he must experience Christian love for himself, in order to then give it to others. Unfortunately, a child in church, as a rule, does not bring joy to parishioners for whom he “disturbs their prayers.” He is treated as a subhuman, small, stupid. Only a boy in a surplice holding a candle evokes joy and tenderness among adults. These adults, as a rule, do not care deeply about the inner world of the little angelic altar boy, whom his parents brought to the service to collect admiring glances and sighs from those around him. By adolescence, the “angels” become tired of this falsehood; they do not see life within the walls of the temple, where they are taken to show off to please the eyes of believers or simply to “defend” the service out of habit and for obedience. Teenagers withdraw into themselves and often become nihilists. An Orthodox mother who loves her child should not insist on him attending services, following rules, observing fasts, etc. This can forever turn a young person away from everything connected with God. On the contrary, she must do everything so that the teenager’s heightened sense of perception captures only love and understanding. After all, God is love, and the child needs to be helped to stay with Him outside the temple.
It should be noted that not all children leave the temple. But sometimes those who stay do not do so out of faith in God. And not even out of religious, ritual habit. We can especially see this in the example of children from priestly families. Initially, vanity is kindled in such children by the church environment. How can you not be touched by your father’s son or daughter? A child who is not yet anything outstanding is placed in a higher position compared to other children in the parish, only because he is from the family of a priest, a deacon, a singer... Children who receive praise, gifts, special attention from a huge number of adults, at first acquire pride, bordering on stupidity, and self-confidence. And as they grow up, they become cynics who, at first, by being in the church see an easy way to acquire material wealth only by belonging to the priestly “clan,” and later, for such outrageously “beloved” offspring, the main goal becomes power over people... Such personnel fill the ranks various church careerists, false elders, manipulators, players with human destinies and souls.
Terekhin family
— How should an Orthodox wife live with a despotic husband?
— Despotism does not appear “suddenly.” It cannot be that a woman married a white fluffy cat, and after the wedding he became an angry bull who does not allow either her or the children to live in peace. Such severe character traits cannot but manifest themselves in a person since childhood. Thus, the woman knew what to expect from her future husband, and made her choice herself. As a rule, infantile, weak-willed girls who need a master marry despots.
When life becomes unbearable, a conversation with the husband and an explanation that his demands cannot be met for one reason or another should be enough. If the husband is adequate, he will listen and understand. If he continues to abuse his household, then this behavior calls into question his mental health. And if a wife humbly endures her husband’s humiliation not only of herself, but also of her children, then this is not martyrdom, but simply masochism, which is also a mental deviation, but in no way Christian humility.
— If a Christian wife understands that her marriage was a mistake, her husband is a complete stranger to her, is it possible for this reason to file for divorce?
“I know about marriages in which Orthodox spouses, from the very registration in the registry office or from the first day of the wedding, rely on the idea that there is no turning back, that now they will have to live in humility and patience. Initially, both spouses are determined that family life is martyrdom. Such marriages, as a rule, involve spouses who have been churchgoers since infancy and are determined by their parents, priests and environment that marriage or monasticism is a necessary condition for salvation. That starting a family is a kind of forced step that must be taken by a Christian who is incapable of a “higher” monastic feat. And this step must necessarily be taken within the framework of church tradition and high church requirements, about which, to be honest, few can say anything intelligible. Thus, there is no question at all that a marriage can be a success or a mistake. Marriage within this situation is initially a struggle for survival, as well as suffering, patience and constantly telling yourself that there is no way back.
Such marriages are associated with hopeless darkness. The initial attempt to meet the high requirements of the ancient canons and find a life partner who would be canonically “pure” leads to the elimination of a large number of adequate brides and grooms. And a couple is selected that is not adapted to life. A couple who has no idea about a real marriage, because they are often made up of children from single-parent families who have not seen the real relationship between husband and wife. Such young people are trying to bring their fairy-tale ideas about marriage, gleaned from ancient spiritual literature or from the stories of pious believers, to life. But a fairy tale, as a rule, does not become reality. And despite the “no turning back” approach, such marriages invariably fail. Wives remain single mothers, and husbands, abandoning their children, continue their “spiritual quest.” There are also those who become “celibate” priests and later “spiritually” guide young families of believers, unconsciously leading them along their path and destroying marriages.
There are unhappy wives of former church-going children, whose “spiritual boat” was shattered into pieces by everyday life. Unfortunately, their consciousness is so inflexible that answers to numerous questions about family life, attempts to acquaint them with the completely different opinions of the holy fathers on the relationship between husband and wife are practically not perceived. And this is very sad. People are trying to save their family in any way, despite the fact that both the canons of the church and the modern social concept of the Russian Orthodox Church give them a whole list of reasons for recognizing a marriage as non-existent from a church point of view, which allows them to legally resolve the issue in the registry office without a twinge of conscience. They try to live together, but they don’t want to change and look for commonality. Ultimately, it often comes to a complete crisis. For example, the health of a wife ends, who loses a child thoughtlessly conceived during illness and forever loses the further opportunity to have children. Or the husband, “working in the spiritual field,” begins to brutally, in front of his children, beat or even rape his wife, later explaining this as an attack by demons who are taking revenge on him for the souls he has prayed for. I heard about all these horrors first-hand. And in many situations, divorce would be a relief from suffering for both spouses. But this torment is perceived by deceived or, better said, Christians deceiving themselves, as part of God’s economy, making them and their children hostage to the idea of “no turning back” for many years.
And here even family life lasting several months, now so widespread among unbelieving youth and based solely on sexual attraction, which sometimes quickly passes, looks more advantageous against this background, even from a spiritual point of view. Because in these fast-moving marriages there is at least some period of relative happiness of the cohabitants. Even if this is purely carnal love, it is still some semblance of love, its highly distorted reflection. But in relationships labeled “martyrdom without a return path,” there is nothing divine at all, except for the use of a consciously or unconsciously mortified Christian entourage.
— When it seems that your husband doesn’t love you, how can you make him more attentive and caring? Or is it a sin to desire love for yourself, you just need to give love to another?
- If a husband has noticeably cooled towards his wife, this can lead to the rapid destruction of the marriage. You need to think about what actions, actions (or inactions) could provoke changes in the husband’s relationship with his wife. Many women begin to immerse themselves in church life, regardless of their husband: they begin to “disappear” at services, wear shapeless, ugly clothes, and stop taking care of their appearance. Neatness in clothing and hairstyle begins to be equated with excessive decoration of one's body. And also endless fasts, when the wife prepares soup from water and cabbage for her husband and denies him marital intimacy. Moreover, the last issue is resolved by women with the assistance of “spiritual fathers” in such a way that they perceive their own sexuality, their own healthy feminine manifestations as a kind of sinfulness, shamefulness and even demonic possession. Through constant self-flagellation with the support of a “spiritual leader,” such wives plunge into neurosis and gradually lead themselves to psychosexual disorders. A man is depicted by them as a certain creature who cannot help but satisfy lust, and they themselves become passion-bearers who are forced to “carry their cross”, fulfilling their “marital duty.” There is a complete substitution of concepts: the mutual joy of intimacy, given to spouses by God, is declared evil, the source of which is supposedly the devil.
The husbands of such wives first find women “on the side” and then leave the family altogether. To prevent this from happening, the wife must know and understand what her husband wants, listen to his comments, praises, all sorts of manifestations of dissatisfaction, or, on the contrary, preserve and increase everything that he likes. But not only that! She should turn to herself, to her desires, as often as possible. Adequately assess your physiological and emotional state and compare it with your husband’s state. Try not to miss moments of disagreement with your husband on certain issues. And if any tension is brewing, if dissatisfaction arises in certain matters, try to calmly discuss this with your husband as early as possible. The fear of talking about your needs, desires, dreams leads to the fact that all this simply disappears from a woman’s life, she becomes empty.
It’s good when a wife or husband knows how to love sacrificially. But they must sacrifice to their loved one from their own fullness, from physical and spiritual excess, seeing the need of a life partner. The state of sacrificial love is not the state of a victim who is devastated and trampled. Moreover, a woman can trample herself either herself, or provoke her husband to do it, or she can weakly surrender to it. It seems to me that real Christianity does not call for martyrdom in marriage and family. The prosperous existence of the latter is impossible without the mutual love of the spouses, their love for children and children for parents. The desire for self-love is not a sin, but a norm. And not wanting to be loved is a mental illness.
—Can a Christian wife not want children and use birth control?
— There can be a lot of reasons why a woman does not want to have children. It doesn't always come down to selfishness. Each individual case must be considered. If there are many children in a family, and the mother’s health is severely undermined by pregnancy, childbirth and the subsequent heavy loads of caring for babies, then what kind of selfishness can we talk about? It happens that a woman is actually alone in raising and caring for children, of which there are two or more, and her husband works a lot or simply spends time outside the home, but wants to be a father of many children. I don’t think that the wife’s desire not to have more children in such a case is sinful. Here the husband already becomes selfish.
But there are also opposite situations. The husband, realizing that for some reason, for example, poor health or loss of work, will not be able to financially provide for the family if a fourth or fifth child is born, insists on preventing conception during intimacy blessed by God also as a consolation for spouses. But the wife categorically does not agree to this, since, due to contraception, her childhood dream of eight children will not come true, or she will not be able to fulfill the desire of the elder monk, who has no experience of family life at all, but has blessed her to give birth to at least ten children. In such situations, women are capable of deception. For example, they stop taking pills secretly from their husbands, or deliberately spoil other non-abortive contraceptives and become pregnant, contrary to the request of their spouse. This monstrous deception can lead to tragedy. And it does nothing to strengthen the family. Moreover, there may be direct or indirect participation of the confessor, who, in general, has no right to interfere in delicate marital relations, much less to calculate the correct number of children in someone else’s family.
— If there is no harmony in intimate relationships, can Orthodox people seek help from psychologists, sexologists, and other specialists in this field?
— First of all, you need to understand that married life concerns only the spouses, and not those around them, including the confessor. Spouses themselves must decide what the intimate side of their life should be. Problems in married life may lie in some acquired fears or neuroses that accompany a person after strong emotional upheavals, perhaps even from childhood. If spouses cannot figure out, identify or solve a psychological problem on their own, then a good doctor can help them.
Convincing yourself and your spouse that sex is not the main thing, but on the contrary, something nasty and shameful, can lead to serious mental disorders. We must remember that the Apostle Paul said that marriage is honorable and the marital bed undefiled (Heb. 13:4). This is what the prayers say at the rite of the sacrament of marriage. At the same time, in basic Christian sources, including the Gospel, married life is not regulated. All the later attempts of theologians, even if some of them were glorified as saints, to get into the marital bed, in my opinion, are doubtful. Fortunately, we find a variety of opinions and interpretations in the Holy Tradition regarding issues of marital intimacy. Therefore, one can object to even the most notorious spouses who are trying to pass off their own negative attitude towards sex as the teaching of the Church, for example, relying on the teachings of St. John Chrysostom.
As for the discussions about the sex of spouses that come from the lips of monastics, this is generally beyond understanding. Why, having voluntarily accepted an angelic incorporeal likeness, in thoughts and words endlessly return to the spiritual-soul-carnal relations of people who are more mundane? There seems to be some kind of ill health in this. Therefore, I believe that only a priest who has or has had positive experience in family life can be a spiritual mentor for a married couple. In this sense, the model for me is the righteous Alexy Mechev, a Moscow elder of the 20th century.
— What, in your opinion, is the most common illusion that prevents people from looking at marriage soberly?
- All people have their shortcomings. Some of them are “cured”, but many are not. When young people decide to get married, they often turn a blind eye to each other’s shortcomings, hoping that family life will change the future husband or wife, and the shortcomings will “evaporate on their own.” But, unfortunately, they are wrong. There are such strong unpleasant character traits and habits that accompany a person throughout his life. It’s good if spouses help each other overcome these vices. But often these “untreated” or “incurable” deficiencies, as well as intolerance towards them on the part of one of the spouses, become the reason for the destruction of the marriage.
In a true Christian marriage, spouses also perceive each other’s shortcomings as their own. In this sense, they have compassion for each other. The Apostle Paul encourages Christians: “Bear one another’s burdens, and in this way fulfill the law of Christ” (Gal. 6:2). But if you love your spouse, how do you bear the burden of his shortcomings: by silently condemning him or by persistently trying to correct him? In my opinion, the second is more correct: learn from each other what each of us does not do as well as the other. And resentment in these cases is a forbidden technique. Of course, one does not always manage to make a remark with restraint, while the other suppresses indignation, feelings of insult and even tears. But through reflection and dialogue, everything can be resolved. Moreover, you can always remember the original agreement not to remain silent and not to accumulate dissatisfaction with each other. And many things can actually be overcome with this approach.
All photos from the Terekhin family archive
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The value of our sacrifices and our sacrifice is determined by the state of our soul
But is a person always ready to sacrifice? Unfortunately, a person is not always ready for this. He understands that he must live according to the laws of the Gospel, and yet a Christian agrees to help his neighbor only in case of certain problems. Trying to somehow participate in his life, he takes on his burdens, which are primarily related to care.
When these loads become too much, a person realizes that he can no longer cope and begins to push his dissatisfaction inside himself, I think that he must endure it. But in this way, he still can’t stand it.
After which a moment comes when a person shows his dissatisfaction. We all carry some kind of weakness within us. Every person can break down in some situation.
The most important thing is for a person to realize everything in time so as not to lead to an outburst of discontent.
You need to simply and clearly explain to your neighbor about your inability to do something before you bring it to the point of irritation and bitterness.
The value of our sacrifices and our sacrifice is determined by the state of our soul, as well as the content of our heart, its shrines and values.
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