Natalya Bukreeva, wife of the rector of the Church of the Holy Blessed Prince Alexander Nevsky (village of Ignatyevo), priest Andrei Bukreev.
The position of the Orthodox mother is perhaps the most unexpected turn that the fate of Natalya Bukreeva took. She met her future husband when she got a job at an advertising company headed by Andrei. If we talk about her attitude to faith at that time, it is easier to say that there was no attitude. Natalya was baptized, but did not attend church (she was baptized at the age of 17 in company with a neighbor). For Andrey, everything was more complicated - he attended one of the religious organizations for several years, but was disappointed.
Life turned out in such a way that both were left without work, Natalya soon got a job as a secretary at a confectionery factory, and Andrey... as a watchman at a church. “I met the director, dated the watchman, and became the wife of a priest”—later such “surprises” of fate became a reason for family jokes. However, the process of Andrei and Natalia’s churching was not so fast.
“My husband began to become imbued with Orthodoxy, go to services, and I am for the company. We became more and more strengthened in our faith, began to confess and receive communion, then Andrei was led into the altar, then ordained deacons. I took all this calmly, but when it came to the fact that he could become a priest, I panicked. I understood perfectly well what it meant to be a priest: to belong not to myself, not to my family, but to God. I admit, I was afraid of responsibility, and I was also a little scared for my husband, because he had to renounce the world and “cleave” to God,” says Mother Natalya.
However, Andrei made his choice, and she, as is customary in Orthodox families, had no choice but to follow her husband. Father was sent to serve in Progress, then in Talakan. It was in Talakan that Natalya truly felt like a mother - parishioners began to call her that.
“At first it was unusual for me to hear the address “mother,” but then it became natural. In Talakan, I almost always wore a headscarf and was surprised to see that long skirts were just as comfortable as trousers. In Blagoveshchensk, where we now live, since there is no housing yet in the village of Ignatyevo, where the priest was transferred, I wear scarves less often. Like many women, I love beautiful clothes, but I try to choose strict styles. I don’t feel any need for cosmetics or perfumes, it’s all gone away like unnecessary husk,” Natalya shares.
By the way, Natalya has a peculiar attitude towards her status.
“I think that mother’s status is neither higher nor lower than that of an ordinary woman. I do not consider it necessary to focus attention on my position. What confuses me is that the reverent attitude towards the priest is projected onto me. I have the same attitude towards being called “mother” by name, but when the word “mother” is written with a capital letter, I ask you not to do that,” Natalya Bukreeva expresses her position.
As my mother admits, the most difficult thing is to obey your husband in everything; the fight against pride is a very long process.
- Of course, as in ordinary families, we can argue, but the conflict does not reach the flashpoint, the quarrel does not rage, but quickly fades away.
A priest does not have days off in the usual sense: Saturday and Sunday are the busiest days: liturgies, baptisms, etc. Often the priest can eat for the first time that day only at four o'clock in the afternoon. Parish churches usually hold Sundays on Mondays, but Father Andrei is of the opinion that the church should always be open, and therefore works seven days a week. For ten years, the Bukreev family was on vacation only twice: once in Novosibirsk and once abroad (it is curious that there the priest visited an Orthodox church and served a service).
Thinking about the future of her daughter, Natalya is inclined to think that the child will choose his own path when he grows up.
“When my daughter went to school, I was worried how my classmates would react to the fact that she was from a priest’s family. Fortunately, there were no problems. The daughter, like a little missionary, tells all her friends about God, does it convincingly, apparently she has the gift of a storyteller. At about seven years old, she began to fast with us, and it was her conscious decision, we did not push her into it in any way,” says Natalya Bukreeva.
Meeting point
Future priests can find their soul mate anywhere, but the main place for them to gather brides is the seminaries, which, in addition to the men's department, have icon painting and regency schools for women. The latter are created, among other things, so that, without interrupting their studies, young people can take a closer look at young ladies brought up according to all the canons of Orthodoxy who want to create a strong family with a clergyman.
Previously, the main school of priests were diocesan women's schools, popularly called diocesan schools, where the daughters of priests and deacons were mainly educated.
Girls in these institutions were voluntarily trained for the difficult role of a priest's wife with all the ensuing consequences.
Nowadays, girls dreaming of tying the knot with seminarians are frequent guests of the villages around the Sergiev Posad Lavra, where local old ladies help modest young ladies meet shy young ministers.
Requirements for the bride
A priest's wife must have high moral standards. First of all, she must be chaste and not have intimate relations before the wedding. In an Orthodox family union, both husband and wife must observe bodily abstinence until the first wedding night, so that after that they belong only to each other.
That is why a divorced lady, a widow or a woman with a child is never considered as a bride, unless, of course, extreme circumstances intervene in the matter, in which the patriarch in the rarest cases can give the go-ahead to consummate the relationship by marriage.
The future mother must be flexible and obey her husband in everything. Having the right to express her own position, she is obliged to find a compromise that will not contradict her husband’s decision. Mother must show humility and piety towards her priest husband.
According to Archpriest Valentin Tseshkovsky, a wife, of course, needs to be prepared for difficult church life, fasting, constant prayer and raising children in the true faith.
The mother must follow her husband to any corner of the planet where he will be sent to raise the parish, since the priest is a soldier of religion, ready to serve where the Almighty commands.
Archpriest Vadim Shapran notes that in the old days actresses could not become spouses of representatives of the white clergy, since their activities were considered as one of the types of prostitution. However, nowadays there are no such restrictions on the professional sphere, but in any case, the activities of the wife should not compromise the husband-priest.
Achilles
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I was the wife of an Orthodox priest for seven years (officially eight), and for a long time I did not understand that what was happening in my family was violence. I lived with some rose-colored glasses and thought that violence happens in some dysfunctional, marginal families where they drink and lead an immoral lifestyle, but in the family of a priest and a teacher this certainly could not happen. I perceived the film “In Bed with the Enemy” as fiction, and I did not at all think that I would find myself in the place of the main character, also with two children in my arms.
Being a religious person, I believed that if something was not going well in the family, then you should first of all look for the reason in yourself. I went to such extremes in self-accusation that I considered my husband’s outbursts of aggression to be my fault.
I constantly prayed, confessed, tried to become better, softer, more feminine, more tender. Needless to say, this did not help, but only aggravated the situation. My husband, seeing my gentleness, perceived it as weakness, and without receiving a rebuff, he only became even more impudent. I tried to justify him by saying that he was tired, that “Satan attacks him more because he is a priest.” I justified everything and blamed myself, as the Orthodox faith teaches. But, unfortunately, there are people who use violence simply because they have the opportunity to do so, and there is impunity.
Now I understand that there can be no justification for violence, but then I desperately tried to save the marriage, hoping to resurrect something that had long died. I was very scared to think about divorce, because it was a married marriage, and I felt responsible for the image of the Church we are shaping. I loved the parishioners very much, and covered a lot of what the priest did, so as not to hurt their religious feelings and not turn them away from the Church.
Physical violence did not start immediately in our family. For many years it was just aggression, outbursts of rage, swearing, insults. Then he started throwing pillows, then swinging, then threatening. And he always justified himself somehow, but I forgave him, and I probably didn’t understand that this was abnormal. I didn’t have any positive example of a relationship before my eyes, but there was brainwashing on the part of the Church that I had to humble myself and endure everything. And that the crowns that are worn at weddings are martyrdoms, and martyrdom is the path to the Kingdom of Heaven.
He used every type of violence that exists, but separately I want to talk about spiritual violence. Knowing my love for God, he always manipulated it. He did not allow me to go to confession with other priests, explaining this with concern for our family - supposedly I could wash “dirty laundry in public.” He often gave me confessions right at home, turning them into interrogations, asking who I was looking at and what I was thinking.
He tried to control my every thought, at night he read all the correspondence on my phone, checked my browser history, after which he woke me up in the middle of the night and made scandals. He installed geolocation tracking and baby monitor-type software on my phone to track my every move and listen to what I was saying to people. He stole my passport so that I could not escape, and gave me the minimum amount of money so that it was enough only for what was necessary.
The worst thing began when he completely lost his mind and started beating me. His eyes became red, he began to talk all sorts of nonsense, for example, that I was a slut and the whole city had me, or that I was a KGB officer and was writing denunciations against him. It was so scary, I could hardly understand who I was and what was happening.
I began to stutter, taking a long time to pronounce each word, and he mimicked me and laughed at it. I didn’t know at all where to run or who to ask for help. Those close to whom I told about my misfortune could not help me in any way, and perhaps they did not realize the extent of the nightmare in which I was living. After all, I continued to lead my usual lifestyle, came to the temple, posted photos from work in which I smiled.
I planned my escape for a year, hiding my earnings from my husband, secretly saving money and looking for connections so that I could escape safely. And yet it was very difficult and scary to decide. Every time he burst into tears, he lay at my feet, gave me gifts and behaved like an ideal husband and father. Plus, I earned very little and, due to psychological trauma, had difficulty coping with the children. And he took on most of the care of the children: bathed them, put them to bed, walked them. I practically turned into a vegetable, having regressed with my consciousness to the state of a child, barely realizing who I am, what is happening to me, how this world works and what I should do with my life. I had to exert enormous effort to get out of bed in the morning, cook food and work. I desperately didn’t want to live, but my love for my children did not allow me to leave them in this cruel world alone with their abnormal dad.
Sometimes after beatings, he brought me bouquets of flowers, which I was not even able to pick up, then he piled them on me, asked why I had lost interest in him, and I felt like a dead person who had flowers brought to his grave. He didn’t leave bruises, he always knew how to hit and where, so that I couldn’t go to the police. There was always a cruel, cold calculation in his actions. He studied me very well and knew my weaknesses, with the help of which he manipulated me like a puppet.
Secretly, I was able to contact an organization where I received free psychological help, and in the end I decided to leave. The hook that kept me close to him turned out to be these periods of the “sugar show”. I convinced myself that he was really good, but he had childhood trauma that sometimes made him lose his temper, but he was trying to improve and working on himself. I didn’t see point-blank that these outbursts of anger are not just some kind of flaw in his character, but an integral part of his personality, and he will never be able to overcome this, because this is what he is. He is a rapist, and this cannot be cured by repentance or any other methods. He is dangerous, and dangerous to everyone.
The last straw came when he picked up a knife and almost stabbed me to death on my birthday. In the morning, I collected the first things I found and ran away with the children. My story did not end there, but I consider this day the day of my liberation. Now I live with my mother and two children, I am being treated for post-traumatic stress disorder, and I work. He continues to serve, preach, is the rector of the parish, and conducts active educational work among young people. He collaborates with the Cossacks and is a member of the council of the Ministry of Internal Affairs of our city.
I have never seen support from the episcopate or other priests. The bishop knew about the violence in our family, but did nothing. The priests said that these were “family matters,” but in the patriarchate they talked to me and threw up their hands. I realized that my situation was not exceptional when I learned that there are entire groups for mothers who have suffered from violence. And when was killed , and later a Ryazan priest brutally beat his wife, and the media wrote about it, I realized that this system was rotten through and through, and these cases were natural. If a woman is placed lower than a man in the family hierarchy, this will inevitably lead to violence.
Maybe you are now experiencing what I was experiencing, and my story will help you in some way. Please leave the abusers, don’t tolerate them. There is nothing worse than living in fear. Don’t be fooled by a man’s behavior during the “sugar show.” If he crossed this threshold and felt impunity, he will continue to allow himself aggression towards you. Children do not need such a family, children need a living mother. Please fight. Fight for your happiness, for your life, for the quiet life of your children, it’s worth it.
Amur diocese
Illustration: still from the film “In Bed with the Enemy”
Mother's life
Modern mothers can drive a car, wear fashionable clothes, work in secular organizations and even use decorative cosmetics.
However, the overwhelming majority of priests' wives devote themselves entirely to their large family and husband, helping him in the parish. They must cover their heads, wear long dresses, do not dye their hair, do not do their hair or haircuts, and do not correct their appearance with makeup.
The mothers are calm about the fact that their husbands have long working hours, and about the fact that they themselves, along with their children, are constantly in the center of attention of the flock.
The wives of priests are prohibited from using contraceptives and having an abortion, and they are required to observe all fasts and church holidays, during which, which is approximately six months, they should abstain from marital intimacy.
Matushka, according to Priest Daniil Sysoev, is the priest’s right hand, who, in addition to fulfilling family responsibilities, helps him run the Sunday school and church choir, serves as his secretary, mediator and even foreman.
No room for error
Priests take the choice of a future wife very seriously, since they have the right to marry only once in their life. Archpriest Vadim Shapran noted that in the event of the death of mother in ancient times, the priest was obliged to go into monasticism, but later the clergy allowed the priests to remain in the white clergy without the possibility of remarriage.
If, by a fateful coincidence, a widowed clergyman finds the lady of his heart for the second time, then he is necessarily faced with a choice: rank or personal happiness. Having chosen a new life partner, he, of course, is deprived of his rank and becomes a laity.
Unlike parishioners, priests can divorce a quarrelsome wife only if she has been convicted of adultery. At the same time, the priest will not have a second attempt to create a happy family. That is why priests, having learned about their wife’s betrayal, do not dissolve the marriage, but continue to live with her as with a sister, help each other with housework, but do not have intimate relationships.
Spiritual life
The most important thing in mother’s life is prayer. At first, the Lord teaches prayer while waiting for children. A difficult pregnancy or infertility gives rise to fervent prayer. Then the prayer begins for a successful birth and for the health of the baby. About family well-being, about the priest and the parish. About parents and relatives. About friends and acquaintances. About those who offend and hate. About the salvation of the soul and the bestowal of grace.
Without prayer, the priest's family is doomed to death. And while the priest works for the Church, the mother takes care of the family hearth.
It's not easy being a mother. But when it’s really difficult, the Lord comes to the rescue. Himself personally. He feels sorry for his many-caring Marthas. He says “Marfo, Marfo, worry and speak about many people...” and wipes tears from his eyes.
Father Artemy Vladimirov: there are no trifles in marriage
