Orthodox humor

— Sinful? - I’m a sinner, father. Laziness overcomes. - You need to fight laziness. - So lazy to fight, father! *** — Father, my sin is that I look in the mirror several times a day and admire how beautiful I am. - It's not a sin. This is a delusion... *** - Father, why do you keep telling me off?! - I can sing the funeral service! *** Archbishop Meliton of Tikhvin delivers communion at the Holy Trinity Cathedral. A certain servant of God comes up and loudly proclaims to the whole church: “Secret schema-abbess Euphrosyne!” Vladyka meekly remarks: “So why are you yelling if it’s secret?” *** The presenter of the television program asked the Orthodox couple invited to the studio about the details of modern Orthodox life. Most of the people who answered were women. During the half-hour conversation, the man was able to insert only two or three remarks. At the end of the program, the presenter asked about the principles of family relationships in an Orthodox family. “Orthodox wives,” a participant in the program jabbered, “submit to their husbands in everything.” The camera caught her husband's raised eyebrow. *** Women's prayer: “Lord, I pray, give me wisdom to understand a man; love to forgive him, and patience with his moods. Mind you, I don’t ask for strength, Lord, otherwise I’ll beat him.” *** During confession, a woman lists her sins and names money-gathering. Father asks: “What is this?” - suspecting that the parishioner does not know the meaning of this word. And so it turned out - the woman was catching a mouse in the closet. *** German Lutherans, tired of communicating with Russian “church diplomats”, who were always considered a mossy conservative public, decided to invite a real “man of the people” to visit. He will definitely understand everything and will not fool his head with theological differences... They called one famous archimandrite with students from a provincial seminary. For a long time we visited Lutheran communities together, drank beer, said beautiful words to each other: they say, we have more in common than what is different, and the partitions certainly do not reach the sky... On the last day we sat at home with the local bishop. Full fraternization. The archimandrite became emotional and said to the owner: “You are a good person, simply wonderful!” It’s just that you and your wife live unmarried. You should be baptized... The Germans didn’t invite him to visit again. *** A man in a parking lot is looking unsuccessfully for a place to park his car. In despair, he raises his face to the sky and says: “Lord, if you send me a free place, I will stop drinking and go to church on Sundays!” Here, miraculously, a free place appears. The driver again turns to the sky: “Oh, that’s it, no need.” Found! *** Father Dimitry Dudko once told the story of one convert. This man came to the Catholics - they were greeted warmly and seated on a bench in the first row. Then he looked at the Baptists - they gave him tea and promised to look after the bride. I went into an Orthodox church - there was only one old woman who looked back, snorted and turned away. “Father, I’m an economist,” this man said to Father Dimitri, “and I know that they won’t force a good product on me.”

*** – No, guys, I can’t drink. Faith doesn't allow it. - What, a Muslim, or what?! - His wife’s name is Vera. 85 kg. Works as a sleeper. *** From the forum of Orthodox clergy “Altarniks”: “When I was little,” writes the priest, “I had a small pectoral cross. My mother hung it around my neck. I looked at it, read what was written on the back: “Save and preserve.” And I thought: this is what I should do - pray to God to keep me from troubles and misfortunes... I became an adult, by God’s grace I was ordained a priest and a pectoral cross was hung around my neck. I felt: yes, this one will be heavier, you can’t jump with it like that. He turned it over and read: “Be an image with the right word, life, love, spirit, faith, purity.” And I realized: this is what we should strive for... Then I was awarded a golden cross and, when I looked at what was on the back, I became scared, dear fathers... It says: “To the presbyter who gives the image of the faithful word and life.” I realized: that’s it now, I have to... And there is also a cross with decorations. I do not have such. But recently I got my hands on it and took it to see what was written on the back. And there it was written: “Sofrino”…” *** One priest serves in the village. The temple is a metal trailer. It’s cold in winter, and it’s so stuffy in summer that the candles don’t stand - they melt. And above the entrance to the trailer there is an inscription: “And in hell they will praise You, Lord!” *** The daughter comes up to her father and says: “One young man asked me to marry him, but he is an unbeliever and does not believe in hell.” - It’s okay, when he lives with you and your mommy, he will quickly understand that hell exists. *** Prayer of a certain young Christian woman: – I ask You not for myself, Lord. Send my mother a good son-in-law... *** Three pilgrims pray. First: - God, who am I before You? A weightless speck of dust, inaccessible to the eye, driven by the wind (spiritual baby:))) Second: - God, how small I am before Your greatness! The smallest, most insignificant atom, lost in the abyss of space. Third: - God, how tiny I am before You! Little worm... The first to the second: - No, well, have you seen this one with delusions of grandeur? *** “New Russians” are sitting at a table in Courchevel, celebrating the New Year. An hour passes, another, a third - they remember the successes of the past year: who increased their income by how much, what cars they bought, where they bought new villas. “Well, it’s time to think about the soul,” says one. “Yes, yes, and another 300-400 souls for each would be good,” they answer him. *** Evil is good that has come to power. *** Never judge a person by his friends: Judas had them impeccable... *** - Father, my neighbor at my desk laughs at me, pinches me right in class. He says: “Petrov has ruined things for us” and various other teases. - And you take a seat from him. But with great love. - Father, I moved, but he still teases me during breaks. – And you answer him firmly, sharply, maybe even rudely. But with great love. - Father, I answered him, and he did it again. And he fights. - And you swing and give it properly! But with great love. *** A girl comes to a conversation with the confessor (a long skirt reaching to her toes, a modest blouse and a scarf that covers everything). He turns, lowering his eyes, to the priest: “Father!” Express your conceptual assessment of the latest monograph by Archpriest John Meyendorff, dedicated to the Barlaamist-Palamist polemic and written during the era of his ministering to the Russian diaspora in Paris? Father: - Get married!!! Get married urgently!!! *** The priest’s story: “In one diocesan reception room I met a middle-aged lady literally bursting with anger. Despite the fact that I was a stranger there, she literally attacked me with complaints about her rector: “We have a revolutionary situation in our parish! The tops are rotten! The lower classes will soon take up the axe! If they don’t remove the abbot, we’ll turn everything upside down, put everything upside down! We’ll get to the Patriarch!” How will you make a revolution? – I’m trying to turn the matter into a joke. - How was it in 17th? - Yes, Lenin was not even close to us! We’ll arrange something like this – it won’t be enough for anyone! - What did your abbot do? - He is aggressive. And humility is not enough... An old-school priest serves in one parish. A middle-aged woman comes up to him for confession and publicly begins to say that she has no sins. Father listened and listened and said: “Get out of here, my daughter, I don’t confess saints.” And then, turning to the congregation: “I ask the saints not to come to confession!” *** A young believer turned to a more experienced one with the question: “Brother, should I completely renounce the world?” “Don’t worry,” he replied, “if your life is truly Christian, the world itself will deny you.” *** This takes place in one of the regions of Greece, where the monasteries are located in the mountains; it is possible to climb up to them only in a cradle, which is lifted from below by two monks using a rope. One tourist nevertheless dared to visit these cultural monuments. When the cradle reached the middle, the tourist saw that the rope was already quite frayed. He asks the monk accompanying him: “Tell me, do you often change the rope?” – As soon as it breaks, we replace it. *** One day a nickel and a chervonets meet and they start talking about which one of them has been where and what has he seen in his life? Chervonets: - Yes, I’ve been everywhere: at the races, and in casinos, and in nightclubs... Pyatak: - Eh! And I’m all about churches and churches... *** One day a bishop visited a monastery in the desert. The brothers, who lived there on bread and water, went out of their way to prepare a proper meal for him. At the end of dinner they asked the bishop: “Vladyka, how did you find our goat meat?” “By chance, under a leaf of lettuce,” answered the bishop. *** In Soviet times, they taught in school that holy water has healing properties due to the fact that it contains silver ions. Problem: how many silver ions are contained in a liter of water from the Volga River consecrated for Epiphany, if the flow was 5 meters per minute, the depth was 5 meters, and the cross with which the priest blessed the water was wooden? *** Essays on theological schools (mainly St. Petersburg) Dialogue in the seminary after the lesson: - Sit down, there is no truth in your feet. Father Alexander: “Do you think it’s there where you’re sitting?” * A former seminary teacher says: “I come to work in the morning and see that he’s been fired.” They didn't even warn us in advance. Everything is “Orthodox…” * During lectures, the assistant inspector on duty, Hieromonk Markell (Vetrov), encounters a seminarian in the dormitory corridor whose leg is wrapped in a bandage. - Why aren’t you at the lecture? - Well, this is a headache! – Why is there a bandage on my leg?! - She slipped! *** From Orthodox dating sites on predanie.ru The original spelling has been preserved. The selection is very popular among Orthodox Christians. A lot of tears were shed from laughter: Pampered and refined natures, as well as those waiting for a prince, don’t waste time, I won’t suit you. I’ll meet an Orthodox girl, definitely without higher education. I’m not suitable for flirting and I won’t answer such letters. Tall, athletic, widow. God willing, I would be glad to meet a church-going Christian who has reached adulthood. I want to meet a faithful Christian woman, 23-24 years old, with a sense of humor, higher education, attractive appearance, without a husband... I worked in a church as a reader. I began to study church history. This led me to new discoveries. I reconsidered my attitude towards the official church. I did not enter the seminary. I strive to spend my free time where there are few people - in church... Orthodox pretty, shy blonde with a higher education. Technology does not allow me to post a photo, but you can see me on the websites TOLSTUSHKA.RU... In relationships I apply the principles of Domostroy. Submission to a man, educational spankings for disobedience. The man is the head of the family. With all due respect, please do not write to persons of Jewish origin and mentality (I have no desire to offend you). Non-resistance to evil through violence is not Orthodoxy, it is the heresy of Tolstoyism. Glory to Russia! Fascism will not pass! Orthodoxy or death! (girl Olya writes) If you are so chaste that you are embarrassed to be the first to start communicating, write me an empty letter. I'm looking for a girl from the 31st chapter of the book. Proverbs One step left until consecration. And this step is you. I would be glad to meet a connoisseur and admirer of the “Diaries” of Archpriest Alexander Schmemann. For the summer I shaved my beard, my father said that I should let my face tan, and that’s right. I am looking for a girl from Moscow, preferably with a philological education, with the aim of creating compositions of poetry by A.S. Pushkin. My message is addressed to a girl who is ripe for marriage. I am not superstitious, but the first edition of this advertisement, unfortunately, was destroyed by devilish “things.” Just as I wanted to publish what had already been written, the electricity was cut off and I had to write everything again. This is a good sign - it means we are on the right track. It’s strange to me, a provincial, that brothers in Christ from large cities cannot come up and meet the girl they like at the lectures of prominent Moscow Fathers of the Church (Father Artemy Vladimirov, Father Andrei Kuraev, Father Dimitry Smirnov, Doctors of Theology Osipov, Dvorkin, Dunaev and etc.) I will make friends with a poor Orthodox woman, up to 165 in height, not heavy... with character, and childish eyes.

The funniest Christian jokes

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A merry heart does good like medicine, but a sad spirit dries up the bones (Proverbs 17:22) CHRISTIAN HUMOR SELECTED JOKES Issue No.909 August 21, 2021 Good afternoon to all our dear readers! Let's enjoy a fresh dose of smiles! Ready? Then let's get started! BEST JOKES For Christians without a sense of humor, this section is not recommended to be read. An atheist comes to the pastor and asks: - So you published an advertisement in the newspaper, as if you would prove to any atheist that he is crazy? - Yes I. Who are you? - Yes I. I. two…

2020-08-21 21:00:55 + Comment

The funniest Christian jokes

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A merry heart does good like medicine, but a sad spirit dries up the bones (Proverbs 17:22) CHRISTIAN HUMOR SELECTED JOKES Issue No901 April 3, 2021 Greetings, our dear readers! Thank you for being with us! Are you ready to smile? Then let's start reading together! Health to you, our dears, and God’s protection! BEST JOKES For Christians without a sense of humor, this section is not recommended to be read. Programmer's Prayer: - Lord, create and preserve how. sent by Valentina - Who is the head of your house? - I’ll ask...

2020-04-03 21:00:23 + Comment

The funniest Christian jokes

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A merry heart does good like medicine, but a sad spirit dries up the bones (Proverbs 17:22) CHRISTIAN HUMOR SELECTED JOKES Issue No. 906 July 24, 2021 Good day, dear readers! I wish you health, good mood, pure thoughts and good deeds! Smile! BEST JOKES Christians without a sense of humor are not recommended to read this section - Young man, why don’t you buy a lottery ticket? - No, my beliefs don’t allow me. - Oh, are you a religious fanatic? - No, I'm a statistician. - Is there the will of God...

2020-07-24 19:00:55 + Comment

The funniest Christian jokes

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A merry heart does good as medicine, but a sad spirit dries up the bones (Proverbs 17:22) CHRISTIAN HUMOR SELECTED JOKES Issue No.908 July 14, 2021 Good day, our dear readers! We are with you again at this time. We came to the meeting again to give you a kind smile and wish you a pleasant weekend. I wish you a good mood, health, good, blessed events and pleasant rays of warmth! After all, autumn is coming! Now just smile! THE BEST JOKES for Christians without a sense of humor this section...

2020-08-14 20:00:57 + Comment

The funniest Christian jokes

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A merry heart does good as medicine, but a sad spirit dries up the bones (Proverbs 17:22) CHRISTIAN HUMOR SELECTED JOKES Issue No.903 May 15, 2021 Good day to all of you, our readers! I wish you health, good mood and goodness! Smile! BEST JOKES Christians without a sense of humor are not recommended to read this section - The Serpent regretted seducing Adam and Eve. - Why? — When Eve ate the apple, she saw in the Snake not only an animal, but also a belt, a wallet and a handbag. sent by Alina Boyko, Simferopo...

2020-05-15 19:00:41 + Comment

The funniest Christian jokes

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A merry heart does good as medicine, but a sad spirit dries up the bones (Proverbs 17:22) CHRISTIAN HUMOR SELECTED JOKES Issue No.902 April 10, 2021 Good day, our blessed readers! We wish you health and God's protection. Remember that in any situation, good spirits and a smile are good companions. Smile! BEST JOKES Christians without a sense of humor do not recommend reading this section. Someone else's uncle says to the blond boy: - Wow! I'm a wolf, I want to eat you! The kid answered him: “Everything is not...

2020-04-10 23:00:28 + Comment

The funniest Christian jokes

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A merry heart does good like medicine, but a sad spirit dries up the bones (Proverbs 17:22) CHRISTIAN HUMOR SELECTED JOKES Issue No. 907 July 31, 2021 Good day, beloved of the Lord, our dear readers! How can you live? How are you spending your summer? Are you preparing for a break from everyday work? Have wonderful summer, sunny days, God's blessings and health to you! Smile! BEST JOKES For Christians without a sense of humor, this section is not recommended to be read. A Christian read Psalm 126:2 and decided to pray before going to bed:...

2020-07-31 20:00:50 + Comment

The funniest Christian jokes

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A merry heart does good as medicine, but a sad spirit dries up the bones (Proverbs 17:22) CHRISTIAN HUMOR SELECTED JOKES Issue No.904 June 26, 2021 Good day, our dear readers! Have a joyful summer, health and cheerful mood! Smile at the funny stories that we will all read together now! BEST JOKES For Christians without a sense of humor, this section is not recommended to be read. The grandson asks his grandfather: “Is swearing unholy?” - Of course, grandson, it’s wicked. - Is it wicked to use bad language? - Dont know…

2020-06-26 22:00:28 + Comment

The funniest Christian jokes

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A merry heart does good as medicine, but a sad spirit dries up the bones (Proverbs 17:22) CHRISTIAN HUMOR SELECTED JOKES Issue No.905 July 17, 2021 Good afternoon, our dear readers! It's Friday, the weekend is ahead. Have a good rest, health and a smiling mood! BEST JOKES It is not recommended for Christians without a sense of humor to read this section. My grandfather came to the priest for confession. - Holy Father, I am a sinner! - And what is your sin, my son? “During World War II, I hid a Jew in my basement. -...

2020-07-17 20:00:46 + Comment