Traditions that have existed for hundreds of years are beginning to fall apart under the pressure of modernity. What seemed obligatory just yesterday now causes surprise and rejection. There are indeed many reasons why people refuse to sit down at the table after burying the deceased, and only the fear of offending close relatives forces us to remember the deceased immediately after returning from the cemetery.
In my childhood, it was impossible to even think about going home from the grave or going about my business. But today people are increasingly asking the question: is it possible not to go to the wake after the funeral?
Wake after funeral: tendency to refuse
Today, a huge number of people prefer to remember with a kind word being in the circle of their family, or even alone.
Gathering around huge tables is becoming unfashionable. And even more so, inviting all passers-by, both familiar and unfamiliar with the deceased, looks like complete madness.
City life has changed society and now wakes immediately after funerals cause indignation, and stories that this will somehow help the deceased in other worlds no longer touch the minds of educated people. You would have helped during his lifetime, that’s when he would have been glad of your presence. And now what?
When should you not remember the deceased with food?
Setting the table and inviting guests is not recommended if the wake falls on the first, fifth or seventh week of Lent. Only the closest people have the right to share a meal these days and pray together for the soul of the deceased - we are talking about his spouse, parents, children.
If the commemoration falls on any other week of Lent, a counter commemoration should be organized, that is, the event should be moved to the next Saturday or Sunday. On these days, it is allowed to celebrate the funeral as usual.
Why do people prefer not to go to the wake after a funeral?
One of the most banal reasons is the reluctance to participate in the farce. The feast turns into an occasion to discuss others. Who ate what, who said what, who was wearing what.
Unfortunately, the deceased fades into the background and the living become the heroes of the meeting. Backbiting, envy, alcohol, gluttony, these are just a few sins that are committed en masse. Pomin was created for other purposes, but there weren’t many smart people, so even they managed to turn them into a mess.
Speaking of gluttony. This is another reason why people don't want to go to a wake after a funeral. There is a lot of junk food on the tables and practically nothing healthy.
As we know, most diseases arise precisely from poor nutrition, so healthy people have long given up baked goods, cereals after lunch, lemonade, fatty, salty and fried foods.
Traditions force a person to eat several cereals in a row at once; in the intervals between them, whether you want it or not, you have to eat something else. Those who care about their health simply do not want to participate in this madness.
Often relationships in a large family do not develop at all as we would like. The funeral of a loved one forces everyone to gather at the grave, since one would not want to miss the last opportunity to look at the deceased.
At the same time, funerals are no longer such an obligatory event, and in an attempt to avoid unnecessary conversations and meetings, people are increasingly deciding not to go to the funeral after the funeral.
No one has the right to force a person, much less condemn him. A memorial is not eating porridge, a memorial is the ability to preserve bright memories of the person who left us. Perhaps the one who immediately left after the funeral succeeded in this much more than those who at the table ate the most and drank like the last time.
The financial side of the issue also has its place. Everyone knows perfectly well that organizing a funeral service is quite expensive. Of course, relatives and friends definitely help those who organized all this by donating some funds.
But in recent years, people are increasingly trying to move away from this tradition altogether. I personally don’t go to funerals for a number of reasons, including from a money standpoint.
After the death of a loved one, people can be in a difficult financial situation, not all of us are wealthy, so I would prefer that donations go to help in the first days and weeks, rather than for a feast.
There are more and more people like me. I believe that one day people will finally stop organizing funerals altogether.
Remember at home, remember the person with a kind word, and if you are a very religious person, then read prayers and ask God for acceptance and forgiveness for the deceased.
Moreover, organizing a wake on the day of the funeral is an extremely difficult process in terms of the psyche. The family has just buried their dear and loved one, this is mourning. But in addition to everything, they are responsible for organizing the funeral table, meeting the needs of the guests, and making sure that everything goes “as it should.”
After all, this will all be discussed later. This is what people most often go to funerals for. Once, at a friend’s wake, I was eating, and suddenly a friend said, “You ate all the red caviar, you’ve had a blast!”
I replied that she could also eat if she so desired. But it was still extremely unpleasant, this damn caviar costs 200 rubles, I could eat it every day.
It’s just that that day, out of everything that was on the table, I liked these sandwiches; I remembered my childhood friend as I thought it was necessary. But, as I already said, there are not very many smart people in the world, so I’d rather buy what I want for home, set the table and eat, while remembering all the good things that connected me with the now deceased.
What food should be left on graves?
At funerals, as well as on Easter, Christmas and other religious holidays, relatives of the deceased go to the cemetery with bags full of food. They leave bread, sweets, and treats from the home table on the graves. Many people pour vodka or other alcohol into glasses.
However, this tradition has nothing to do with Christianity. According to pagan beliefs, the soul of the deceased can leave its burial place for a while and enjoy the offering. It is customary among Hindus to appease food not of the deceased themselves, but of the gods who protect them in the afterlife. But in Orthodoxy, none of these options are considered.
Those treats that you leave near the gravestone become bait for stray animals. They are used by tramps and alcoholics. By doing so, you are not giving the deceased a sign of respect - but, on the contrary, you are surrounding his last earthly refuge with unnecessary fuss.
If you ask the priest’s opinion on this issue, they will explain to you: there is nothing wrong with leaving alms for tramps on graves. On the contrary, showing concern for the disadvantaged is commendable. But food can just as easily be distributed to low-income people in other places - in shelters, hospitals, hospices, near churches. By leaving food on graves, we violate cemetery reverence.
As for alcohol, it is not recommended to either drink it yourself at a wake or treat others with it. Alcohol clouds the mind and provokes actions that are not pleasing to the Lord. A prayer offered while intoxicated will not be received as favorably as a prayer offered by a sober person. Sobriety during a wake is a tribute to the memory of the deceased. An exception does not need to be made even if the deceased was a drinker.
Will my decision offend my loved ones?
The issue is quite controversial. The funeral dinner after a funeral has been around for hundreds of years, so this event is considered strictly obligatory. Those who are a little more modern will understand you, others may be offended. Here it is important to understand that you need to live in a way that is comfortable for you.
It's impossible to please everyone. Understand the reasons for refusing a memorial after the funeral. If you don't like being around certain people or are on a strict diet for health reasons, why torture yourself?
It is unlikely that the deceased will be happy about someone else's suffering at his own funeral. The opinions of other people should be the last thing you care about.
The main thing to understand is that attending a wake is not a tribute of respect or an obligation, and certainly not an indicator of your attitude towards the deceased and his family.
Approach them, express your condolences, ask if they need any help within your power, and how they feel. Explain that attending the meal is not possible for a number of reasons, so you are forced to leave the funeral right now.
If people are adequate, they will be understanding. And if they are fools, then you won’t be able to please them, no matter how hard you try. If you don’t come to commemorate it, it’s bad; if you come, they’ll say that they ate all the caviar.
What prayer is read during a funeral dinner for the repose of the soul?
At funerals, it is also customary to set the table beautifully, put festive dishes on the table, and in general they can be held in a restaurant; this is done at the request of the relatives of the deceased. One extra utensil is placed on the funeral table - this is for the deceased.
A place at the table for the deceased is left close to the people closest to him, so that he feels like part of the family. Before the funeral meal, it is customary to read a prayer for the repose of the soul, and it sounds like this:
“Today we have all gathered here because of an unfortunate event; one of us has passed away. So may the Almighty in heaven accept his soul. On this day she is still with us, but soon she will go to another world, let her feel good and easy there. Let it be so. In the name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit. Amen".
After reading the prayer, you can begin the commemoration. And the more good things are said about the deceased, the more pleasant and easier it will be for his soul. Therefore, only good things can be said about the deceased. You can list what important and good things he did in his life and talk about his achievements.
Rich relative
In the conversation about commemorating the dead, an important question is often missed: who, in fact, needs such commemoration more - them, or ourselves? It would be endless arrogance and impudence to claim that one of our deceased loved ones has gone to hell, needs help and needs to be begged for. Christians have a commandment not to judge their neighbor during their lifetime. It is all the more absurd to pronounce a sentence on someone who has already completed his earthly journey and has appeared before the judgment of God. We can worry about him, like parents worry about their son who has gone to study in a distant city. But we must not forget that we have a rich and loving relative in this city. Moreover, he is not just rich - he is the most important person in this city and decides all issues there, no matter what they concern. And we should not tear our hearts out with worries - this relative will take care of our son much better than we ourselves. But this concern does not prevent us from sending him letters, parcels with all sorts of goodies and pocket money. The son may not need anything, but our rich relative is very considerate, he does not deprive us of the opportunity to show our love in this way. And when we call and ask him: “Don’t leave our boy there, please! Look after him, help, otherwise we’re worried here!”, this does not mean at all that without our call the son would have been left without support and attention. We just love him, but he left and is now far away. And what else can we do to show our love and care? Just call and send letters with parcels. Likewise, we ourselves need prayer to Christ for our departed no less than those for whom we pray.
Because we all have such a rich relative. This is Christ, Who became man in order to make us His relatives in the flesh. But relatives are not judged impartially, they are judged with love. His court is not our court. It is enough to remember how many times in the Gospel Christ justifies and defends those whom people have condemned, and for the most just reasons.
Unusual traditions and rituals
Many funeral rites in Armenia have been preserved since pagan times. They are organically intertwined with Christian traditions and continue to be observed by contemporaries.
Basic funeral customs:
- - After death, all the mirrors in the house are covered and the clocks stop;
- — The body in the coffin is placed with its feet facing east;
- — The deceased is never left alone, there is always someone next to him;
- — Until the corpse is taken out of the house, a candle remains burning next to it;
- - Before taking out the coffin, it is turned three times around its longitudinal axis, but if there is not enough space, then the domovina is simply lowered and raised 3 times;
- — The coffin is not loaded into the hearse immediately, as it is believed that haste is a sign of disrespect for the deceased.
Our dead will not leave us in trouble...
It happens that the son who has left himself sends rich parcels and transfers to his parents. There are many examples in the history of the Church when prayerful communication with the departed helped the living solve their earthly problems. Here are some examples.
One priest's wife, whom he loved very much, died. The bitterness of the loss was too much for him to bear, and he began to drink. Every day he remembered her in his prayers, but he sank deeper and deeper into the quagmire of alcoholism. One day a parishioner came to this priest and told her that his dead wife appeared to her in a dream and said: “Pour me some vodka.” “But you never drank during your life,” the parishioner was surprised. “My husband taught me this with his current drunkenness,” answered the deceased.
This story shocked the priest so much that he quit drinking forever. He subsequently became a monk. He died in the rank of bishop. His name was Vladyka Vasily (Rodzianko).
Another case. A student at the Theological Academy took the exam without knowing the material well enough. In the corridor on the wall hung portraits of scientists and theologians who taught at the academy over the years. The student prayerfully turned to one of the long-deceased teachers with a request to help him pass the exam. And I remembered for the rest of my life how obvious this help was. He passed the exam with excellent marks, all the time feeling the calm, benevolent support of the one to whom he turned. The student also became a monk, and then a bishop. This is Bishop Evlogy, Archbishop of Vladimir and Suzdal. And the portrait depicted the MDA teacher, Metropolitan Philaret (Drozdov), who was later canonized as St. Philaret of Moscow (by the way, Bishop Eulogius told this story when the Synod was collecting materials for the canonization of St. Philaret).
An amazing case of prayerful communication with the departed is described by Metropolitan Anthony of Sourozh. One day he was approached by a man who, during the war, accidentally shot his beloved girl, his fiancée. With one shot, he destroyed everything they had dreamed so much about together. A happy life after the war, the birth of children, study, his favorite job... He took all this not from someone, but from the closest and dearest person on earth. This unfortunate man lived a long life, repeatedly repented of his sin before the priests in confession, a prayer of absolution was read over him, but nothing helped. The feeling of guilt did not go away, although almost sixty years had passed since that ill-fated shot. And Vladika Anthony gave him unexpected advice. He said: “You asked forgiveness from God, whom you did not harm, you repented before the priests, whom you did not kill. Now try to ask forgiveness from this girl herself. Tell her about your suffering, and ask her to pray to the Lord for you.” Subsequently, this man sent a letter to the Vladyka, where he said that he did everything as he ordered and the icy splinter of guilt that had been sitting in his heart for many years finally melted. The prayer of the bride he killed turned out to be stronger than his own prayers.
And Metropolitan Anthony himself told how, in difficult moments of his life, he turned to his deceased mother with a request to pray for him, and many times received the expected help.
Vladimir Vysotsky once sang: “...Our dead will not leave us in trouble, our fallen are like sentries.” By leaving this life, our loved ones become closer to the Lord and can intercede for us before Him. That is why we pray to the saints who are canonized by the Church. But we must not forget that the Church considers saints not only the glorified saints of God included in the calendar. All Christians who are sanctified by the Most Pure Body and Blood of Christ in the sacrament of the Eucharist are called saints in the Church. And if our loved one was a member of the Church during his lifetime, confessed and partook of the Holy Mysteries of Christ, then we cannot have sufficient grounds to believe that after his death he needs our remembrance more than we need his prayers for us. Saint Cyprian of Carthage wrote: “...We should not mourn our brothers who, at the call of the Lord, renounce the present age. We must rush after them with love, but in no way complain for them: we must not put on mourning clothes when they have already put on white vestments.”
For a funeral dinner you need to prepare dishes with eggs and herbs
It is imperative to eat dishes with the addition of eggs - a symbol of the eternity of the soul, because Mary Magdalene announced the Resurrection of Christ to Emperor Tiberius, presenting him with an egg as a gift and it turned red. They can be crumbled into salads or added to pie or pancake fillings.
You can make pies or nalistniki with green onions and a boiled egg, since the green color and herbs symbolize life. Therefore, in a cemetery it is customary to plant flowers on the grave, and also bring them to the deceased each time, and at funerals they usually use a lot of flowers.
Legislative features
Within three days after the death of a person, it is required to report this fact to the civil registry office. For this purpose, a medical certificate and a court decision are provided, according to which the citizen of Armenia is recognized as dead. The registration procedure is carried out on the day of application, after which relatives are issued a state death certificate. This task is performed by different bodies and services, depending on the circumstances of the death:
- — If a person died in a hospital, then doctors resolve bureaucratic issues. When death occurs at home due to natural causes, the relatives call an ambulance, the deceased is taken to a medical facility and its employees report the incident to the registry office.
- — If the deceased died in prison, then the management of the criminal correctional institution is responsible for informing.
- — In case of suspicious circumstances of death, the case is investigated by law enforcement officers who report the tragic events to the registry office.
- — In the event of death during military service, this task is assigned to the commander.
After the state certificate is issued, the deceased is allowed to be buried. If the deceased turns out to be a foreigner, then it becomes possible to deliver the body to the homeland.
What to cook for a funeral dinner
During a funeral dinner, you cannot laugh and have fun, and it is better not to joke. We must mourn the deceased. And think about how he is missing among us. You can express your condolences to the loved ones and relatives of the deceased, because they have a void in their hearts that needs to be filled with something.
If there are children at the funeral, then they need to be explained how to behave so that they do not become rowdy and also say goodbye to the deceased. At the table, it is customary to drink only for the deceased, so that his soul can easily ascend to Heaven; you cannot clink glasses at the same time. And you can’t get too drunk, so it’s better not to abuse strong drinks.
It is also customary to bake round pancakes at funerals, which symbolize the cycle. Ostensibly which means that after death a person’s soul begins a new life. They are filled with different fillings, for example, salmon or red caviar.
Conducting a funeral
Funeral arrangements take 3 days. Usually this work is entrusted to funeral services. Traditional burials are common in Armenia, although the state allowed cremation back in 2007.
Burial sequence:
- 1. On the day of death, the deceased is washed, dressed, placed in a coffin, and a candle is lit next to him. Relatives are informed about what happened, and they negotiate with the clergy about the funeral service.
- 2. On the second day, farewell is organized. Guests come to the house of the deceased, walk around the coffin three times counterclockwise and kiss the hand of the deceased or the edge of the house.
- 3. On the third day, the coffin is brought to the cemetery for burial. The ceremony is quite magnificent and pompous - there are many wreaths and fresh flowers around, and musicians are invited if possible.
The dead are treated with respect. Respect is expressed not only in the organization of the funeral, but also in the installation of the tombstone. Armenians choose beautiful handmade monuments, decorated with sculptures, engravings, and traditional carvings.
