Grief is a person's deep emotional experience of grief or suffering. It is impossible to live your whole life without feeling this feeling. Grief is a natural state when you lose a loved one or someone you know. Often a person cannot overcome grief on his own and turns to a psychologist or psychotherapist for help, or seeks salvation in the church. Such experiences are considered normal, since the feeling of longing for the deceased causes grief and sadness. But if grief or sadness pushes a person to rash actions, suicidal intentions, or prolonged depressive moods are noted, then medication assistance from a psychiatrist is necessary. Talking alone will not work to support the grieving person and it will not be possible to return him to his former life.
What is meekness
A meek person does not get irritated for any reason, does not argue, proving that he is right. He is endowed with patience and compliance, if they do not contradict his conscience. Wisdom and self-control, which allow one to remain calm in the irritating manifestations of the outside world, are sometimes mistakenly perceived by ordinary people and rude people as weakness and cowardice.
Origin of the word
The word comes from “tamed,” “pacified,” “tamed one’s passions.” In Greek, the word "prautes" means sensitivity, caring, gentleness and politeness.
Meaning of the concept
In the generally accepted understanding, the meaning of the word meekness implies good nature and forgiveness. This is tolerance, which helps one to patiently endure insults and endure life’s hardships without anger or desire for revenge.
A person endowed with it always controls emotions, treats other people's mistakes with understanding and is ready to forgive offenses. This is not an external image and style of behavior, but an internal state.
According to Scripture
In all world religions, meekness is considered the main virtue that brings one closer to God. According to Divine Scripture, His all-forgiveness, manifested in favor and mercy towards humanity, despite the sinful manifestations and falls of people who often do not hear and betray Him, testifies to meekness.
This quality is most expressed at the moment when they remain silent in response to humiliation, thereby demonstrating the perfection of the soul. It was precisely this manifestation that distinguished the saints from ordinary people. Each of them had to endure many humiliations and deprivations, therefore the holy fathers had a special opinion about sorrows and endowed them with a specific meaning. They considered them God's blessing.
Jesus Christ possessed meekness to the fullest extent, this was expressed most of all during torture and humiliation before execution, and then on the Cross. The Lord did not turn His face away from the spitting from the crowd, but only looked directly at them in complete silence. And at the crucifixion He prayed for them, who were crucifying Him, as if they did not understand what they were doing.
Signs
Jesus Christ showed humanity the highest and complete humility with the will of the Most High God. The life and work of Christ show every sign of this quality. By acquiring it, a Christian becomes like Christ.
Domestic
Humility arises within from the feeling of the presence of the Almighty. It is difficult for a person to come to terms due to external influences or his own efforts, but in the presence of God and His greatness, having realized his worthlessness, he has no choice but to rely on Him.
Internal signs:
- awe;
- meekness;
- obedience;
- courage;
- responsibility;
- patience;
- mercy;
- complete calm.
Such a person is always calm and unshakable, does not blame or vilify anyone, does not exalt himself above others, considering himself the most sinful and unworthy of praise, which begins to manifest itself externally. Internal and external signs are strongly interconnected with each other.
External
All internal changes in a person are reflected in his behavior and relationships with the outside world. Upon achieving humility, a person’s behavior begins to manifest actions that were previously unusual for him.
External signs:
- loss of interest in worldly amusements;
- simplicity of speech;
- measured voice;
- brevity in words;
- pure and high thinking;
- avoidance of disputes and conflicts;
- avoiding meaningless conversations;
- a calm attitude towards insults addressed to you.
A humble Christian does not discuss or criticize others, but treats them with tolerance, taking into account their interests. Accepts people as they are, with all their advantages and disadvantages, as well as himself
Moreover, it is accepted with the heart, the mind tends to separate and analyze.
A humble person will never compare himself or his life with others, or wish for a different life and circumstances. If suddenly the need arises to change something in life, he will begin the changes from himself, from the inside, thereby transforming external manifestations. Changes do not come immediately, they take a certain time to manifest, and this is where patience is required.
Humility and patience (common and distinctive features)
Life brings us not only joyful moments, sometimes all kinds of trials come in the form of God's providence. Then the believer needs to show patience while overcoming the circumstances of life caused by trials. As long as you have enough patience, you will be able to grieve without complaint.
It is very important to learn humility and patience in Orthodoxy, then the believer becomes meek, without this there can be no Path. These two qualities are constantly nearby, there is a certain relationship between them
When hard times and hardships come, they are very closely intertwined.
How to ease the patience of grief? Spiritual instructions of the holy fathers
You keep thinking: here come sorrows, here are misfortunes that no one has, here are circumstances from which there is no way out, and it is God who looked at you with love, it is God who is approaching you.
Holy Righteous Alexy Mechev (1859-1923)
Please keep in mind, when sorrows occur, that it is the Lord who is paving the way for you into His Kingdom, or even more, taking you by the hand and leading you. Therefore, do not rest your feet and do not shout, but endure sorrows complacently and with gratitude.
Saint Theophan, recluse of Vyshensky (1815-1894)
…If we wish not to imagine every sorrow and temptation as heavy and painful, but to easily endure every attack of the evil one, we will always before our eyes have a joyful readiness to die for the Lord, and as the Lord says, by daily taking up the cross, that is, death, we will follow Him .
Venerable Macarius the Great (IV century)
The Lord helps us in sorrows and temptations. He does not free us from them, but gives us the strength to easily endure them, not even to notice them. If you completely rely on the will of God, then everything will be fine, and the unpleasant will be taken for granted.
Venerable Nikon of Optina (1888-1931)
If now you are bitter and regrettable - even to the point of exhaustion, then in these very moments you will be transported in your thoughts to the eternal future: there is indescribable consolation for those who grieve; there is eternal sorrow for the sensualists! It is better to endure here in grief and sorrow until death, so that after death you will inherit the peace, joy and pleasure of unflickering light.
Monk George (Stratonicus), recluse of Zadonsk (1789-1836)
Cast away from yourself the thoughts of this world and leave the thoughts of your sorrow, embrace the love of Christ with all your soul, with all your heart and with all your thoughts, place all your hope in Christ Himself, the Son of God, deepen your mind in His most holy wounds, follow Him with zeal. , and then you will become His beloved bride and heir to His palace. Because you love Him, He will love you forever in the future life, and because you work for Him now, He will reward you there.
Saint Demetrius of Rostov (1651-1709)
For every true Christian, sooner or later, whether in the middle or at the end of the race, but certainly, according to the definition of God's Providence, the time will come when everything will rise up against him: both severe external temptations and painful internal ones will unite together and fall with their force on the crusader Christ, and then his position will be especially difficult and dangerous.
And so, vividly imagining, when remembering the suffering of Christ, this terrible possibility - to perish under the weight of temptations and disasters, the Christian clearly recognizes the need for prayer to ask for help from God, thinking that if the Lord Jesus Christ Himself turned to the Heavenly Father with a prayer for help, if, amidst temptations, an Angel was sent to Him to strengthen Him, then all the more necessary is help from above for us, clothed in weak flesh and unable to rely on the vigor of our spirit.
If you are exhausted under the weight of the inner cross, then in this struggle no one will help you better than Him, because the inner cross is known to Him to the highest degree. What a difficult spiritual struggle He endured with Himself is evident from the fact that He prayed to His Heavenly Father that His cup of suffering would pass, the cup for which He came to earth. What kind of internal cross He endured at the sight of the traitorous disciple, at the sight of the abandonment of Him by the other disciples and the renunciation of Peter, who swore allegiance to Him, at the sight of the frantic people demanding His crucifixion, the people to whom He had done so much good, at the brutality of the crucifixors and the inhumanity of the blasphemers , who mocked His torment, and, finally, when He was abandoned by the Heavenly Father Himself!
Remember all this, Christian, and an unshakable confidence will appear in you that the Sufferer of Calvary can help all those who are tempted, and this gracious confidence with all its strength will arouse in you zeal for prayer, and you will acquire the most reliable means of overcoming temptations and misfortunes.
Archimandrite Kirill (Pavlov) (XX-XXI centuries).
When it becomes very difficult for you, then say from the bottom of your heart: “Lord, I receive what is worthy for my deeds, but forgive me and give me patience, so as not to grumble at You. Lord, be merciful to me, a sinner.” Repeat these words many times until the grief subsides. It will definitely subside if you say it from the heart.
To great regret, for the most part you see and hear grumbling around you and within yourself, unwillingness to obey what the Lord sends, the demand for fair treatment and other insane manifestations of resistance to the will of God. How great is our weakness! How weak is our faith! It’s not our business to argue why this or that happens to us; you need to know that this is the will of God, you need to humble yourself, but demanding, so to speak, an account from God is extreme madness and pride. So everyone should:
1. Demand from yourself (that is, force yourself to do) the fulfillment of all commandments and
2. consider everything that other people do to us, that happens to us without the assistance of people, as the righteous judgment of God for our benefit, our salvation, and humbly endure it all. This will be soul-saving and will bring peace to our hearts. God! Thy Holy will be done.
Hegumen Nikon (Vorobiev) (1894-1963).
If we think about misfortunes greater than those we endure, we will receive sufficient consolation.
When faced with temptation, one must fast.
Thanks be to God for everything! This word inflicts a mortal wound on the devil and in any trouble provides the speaker with the strongest means of encouragement and consolation. Never stop saying it (especially in sorrows) and teach it to others.
Whether we fall into poverty or illness, we will give thanks; if they slander us, let us give thanks; whether we suffer, let us give thanks. This brings us closer to God; through this God becomes our debtor, and when we prosper, then we ourselves become debtors and respondents before God; sometimes, and often, this serves to our condemnation, or even to the cleansing of sins. Adversity encourages mercy and philanthropy; Prosperity leads to arrogance, plunges us into carelessness, makes us arrogant and weakens us.
Saint John Chrysostom (5th century).
Do you want to get rid of sorrows and not be burdened by them? Expect big things and you will calm down.
Place every thought on God, saying: “God knows what is good,” and you will calm down, and little by little you will gain the strength to endure.
Do not be horrified as an unbeliever, but encourage your thoughts of little faith. Love sorrow in everything, so that you may be a skilled son of the Saints. Remember the patience of Job and others and try to follow in their footsteps. Remember the dangers that Paul endured, sorrows and bonds, hunger and many other evils, and say to cowardice: “I am a stranger to you”... Think about the fact that (earthly) things are perishable and short-lived, but patience according to God saves the one who has acquired it .
Venerable Barsanuphius the Great (VI century).
There is no person who does not grieve during training; and there is no person who would not find the time bitter when he drinks the poison of temptation. Without them it is impossible to acquire a strong will. But we are not able to endure temptations. For how can a vessel made of clay (liquid clay) stop the flow of water if divine fire does not strengthen it? If we humbly ask with unceasing desire and submit to God with patience, then we will receive everything in Christ Jesus our Lord. Amen.
...If, as soon as the rod of the Judge approaches us, we humble ourselves, remember our iniquities and bring them to confession before the Avenger, we will soon be delivered from short-term temptations; and if we become hardened in our sorrows, and do not confess that we are guilty of them and deserve to endure even greater sorrows, but we begin to blame people, and sometimes demons, and at other times God’s truth, and claim that we do not deserve such things... then everything that happens to us will cause us constant sadness, our sorrows will increase... But this - to feel our sins - is God's gift that enters our thoughts when God sees that despite all our misfortunes and sorrows we will not depart from the world without receiving any benefit...
In trusting in God, endure deprivation of what is necessary for the body and soon turns into pus. Desire to accept all this in hope of God, without making any deliverance or consolation from anywhere. Cast your sorrow upon the Lord (Psalm 54:23), and in all your temptations condemn yourself as guilty of all this. Do not be tempted by anything and do not reproach anyone who insults you; because you also ate from the forbidden tree, and you acquired different passions.
If a person does not hate his life in the world, because of the desire for the future and blessed life, then he cannot fully endure all kinds of sorrows and sorrows that befall him every hour.
Venerable Isaac the Syrian (VII century).
Whatever grief befalls you, whatever trouble happens to you, say: “I will endure this for Jesus Christ!” Just say this and it will be easier for you. For the name of Jesus Christ is powerful.
Venerable Anthony of Optina (Putilov) (1795-1865).
Enlighten your hearts with this reasoning: “What do these sorrows mean in comparison with the torments of hell, to which they will hand us over for our sins?”
Venerable Isaiah (IV century).
Don't make excuses for yourself and you will find peace.
Venerable Pimen the Great (IV-V centuries).
Often, falling into some kind of temptation, we begin to grumble: “Well, you can’t do that! After all, I’m also a human being, I can’t do it anymore!”, whereas we should say: “I’m not a human being, I’m human scum. My God, help me become a man!” I am not calling for us to strive for temptation ourselves. But when temptations come, we must meet them with endurance and prayer.
Elder Paisiy Svyatogorets (1924-1994).
The Lord Himself is near you, He strengthens you, helps you and even comforts you in times of need. How could you endure your sorrows and headaches if the Lord did not help and strengthen you?
Venerable Macarius of Optina (1788-1860).
Job's position is a law for every person. While you are rich, noble, and prosperous, God does not respond. When a person is in the pit, rejected by everyone, then God appears and Himself talks with the person, and the person only listens and cries out: “Lord, have mercy!”
Venerable Nectarius of Optina (1853-1928).
For whom is the burden of temptation light? Why is Saint Isaac the Syrian great before God, and he says: “Who is not this hard time, when man is drunk with the poison of temptation?..” That’s why you too: squeak, squeak, and be silent! It will pass! It will pass and not be remembered! And the fruit of these diseases will grow, ripen, and become beautiful. And how sweet it will be! How fragrant! How it will sparkle with all the colors of the rainbow, with all the beauties of precious stones! Every drop of sweat, every breath will be rewarded a thousandfold by our generous Hero Jesus.
Reverend Anatoly Optinsky (Zertsalov) (1824-1894).
When the hellish worm sucks your sinful heart, do not be faint-hearted and do not indulge in impatience, rushing like a madman in all directions, but be strong in spirit and endure the punishment for sin, surrendering to the will of God and saying: “Thy holy will be done, Lord. For my sins, I am worthy of eternal condemnation and torment, just do not grant me to be tempted more (1 Cor. 10:13) and strengthen me in enduring these temporary hellish torments, which You allowed me to endure, not wanting to subject me to eternal ones; Having punished me, have mercy again according to Your great mercy (Ps. 50:1). When tempted, say often: blessed be the name of the Lord from now on and forever (Job 1:21).
St. Righteous John of Kronstadt (1829-1908).
Prepare for tribulation - and the tribulation will be eased; refuse consolation, and it will come to the one who considers himself unworthy of it...
Out of embarrassment and despair, the enemy’s abuse strengthens against us, but if we look at this abuse with generosity, saying to ourselves: “Well! The Lord sees this battle and allows it - it means this is His holy will and it is for my spiritual benefit”; then the abuse weakens and diminishes.
In times of adversity, do not seek human help. Do not waste precious time, do not exhaust the strength of your soul searching for this powerless help. Expect help from God: by his wave, in due time, people will come and help you.
Saint Ignatius Brianchaninov (1807-1867).
Many of us are greatly mistaken in that we turn first to human, and not to God’s, help, and do not abandon this delusion until, having worked for a long time in vain, without success, we, of necessity, remember about God. Therefore, any help that is sought in the wrong order from people rather than from God is often fruitless by God’s order for the admonition of foolish seekers.
Saint John, Metropolitan of Tobolsk († 1715).
We cannot get rid of any sorrow by anything other than prayer and confession of our sins before God. For just as someone who communicates his sorrow to his faithful friend receives some consolation and consolation, so much the more when we communicate to God, Who is merciful by nature and close to those who call upon Him in truth, the sorrows of our hearts, and confessing our sins, we humble ourselves and fall before His Majesty, we receive either deliverance when His will pleases and is useful to us, or we certainly receive relief and consolation: Call upon Me in the day of your trouble, and I will deliver you (Ps. 49:15)
Descend with your mind into hell, consider how the condemned are tormented, and those who, if it were possible, would like to burn here in fire at least until the end of the world, just to be freed from eternal torment, will suffer forever, but it is not given to them.
Raise your intelligent eyes to the heavenly villages and examine all the inhabitants there: you will not find a single one who did not come from here through patience.
Saint Tikhon of Zadonsk (1724-1783).
Divine Providence will not leave you. The greater the sorrow, the greater the consolation.
Don't seek comfort from people. And when you receive a little consolation from someone, expect double sorrow. Seek consolation and help from God alone.
Elder Jerome of Aegina (1883-1966).
Take a look at the very position on the Cross of the Savior. It's calm. During His crucifixion, everything was in terrible alarm: the earth shook, the sky darkened, the mountains gave way, the graves gave out the sound of the dead, people devoted to the Crucified One beat their chests and wept bitterly; the enemies, despite their apparent triumph - that they killed the Righteous One - were numb from the fear of their conscience. Our crucified Savior alone was completely at peace. From the Cross, like a King from the throne, He made orders in heaven, on earth, and in hell itself: he promised heaven to the repentant thief, on earth he arranged the fate of His weeping Mother, in hell he preached repentance to sinners who had not had time to reform.
Why is there such wonderful calm in the Savior amid the most severe suffering? From His complete devotion to the will of God the Father.
Archpriest Valentin Amfitheatrov (1836-1908).
Pull yourself up
“There can be such despondency that even prayer doesn’t help.” Has it happened to you?
- Of course, there were passions, struggle with oneself, and lack of faith, and the feeling that everything, God would reject you
But over time, I realized that it is important not to punish, judge or sentence yourself. Don't justify, but don't punish either
Just be patient and try to do your job.
If passion is endured, it loses its strength. You need to step back and tell yourself: “Yes, passion has a basis in me, but it’s not mine.”
How else can you fight it? Gouge out your eye, cut off your hand? Nothing will work anyway. The wonderful contemporary writer Marianne Heide has a text about a man who cut off all his limbs because they tempted him. And this stump with a shaking head cried out to God: “Lord, I no longer have eyes, arms, or legs, and the temptation continues!” And God answered him: “You fool, you should have cut off your head right away.”
There is no need to torture yourself. Be patient with yourself, be patient with others, let time pass. God gave it to us to help. Not in the sense that “the calendar will cover this sheet.” It’s just that when a person combines his patience with time, this time takes away a lot, and the person changes. What happened the day after tomorrow becomes the day before yesterday.
Sometimes you ask yourself such a stupid question: “If you were given the opportunity to live your life again, would you want to change everything?” No, I wouldn't. I understand so well what Pushkin meant when he said: “But I don’t wash away the sad lines.”
— When we begin our path in the Church, it seems to us that we need to endlessly improve and break ourselves, and in no case should we accept ourselves as we are. And now it turns out that you need to pull yourself together.
- No, it’s impossible to accept all the nastiness that you encounter in yourself. But you have to be patient with yourself, like a child who has soiled his diapers, pick yourself up (which can be very difficult: it’s quite disgusting to pick someone up who has shit themselves) and rock him. Because when a person is merciless to himself, he is merciless to others. As a result, everyone judges everyone. How did Akhmatova say it? If they shout “Fool” on the street, you don’t have to look back. You must be merciful to yourself. Love your neighbor as yourself. But if you start from the other end of the commandment, then there is also benefit. If you are patient with yourself, you will become merciful with someone else.
Priest Sergius Kruglov. Photo: Facebook
Every person has moments of important, living communication with God, but he does not recognize them, because instead he breaks himself and performs, as it seems to him, spiritual feats. The most common example: a person reads out a prayer rule
A poor neighbor comes in: “Give it to me.” He: “Get out. I pray I have no time for you.” But communication with a neighbor at this moment will be communication with God, the person just doesn’t notice it. He believes that the most important thing happens there on the shelf, where the icon stands and the candle burns.
Human Sorrows and Divine Consolation
Concluding the publication of a series of essays devoted to the existence of Christian faith and prayer in society, we bring to the attention of readers of the Russian People's Line the fourth essay by an outstanding modern Byzantine scholar and our regular author, Alexei Mikhailovich Velichko.
Hesychasm as a political phenomenon. Part 1
War and peace in the spiritual life of man. About our “freedom”. Part 2
Prayer in the life of modern man. Part 3
“Life is not a holiday home: it has joys, but it also has sorrows. The Resurrection is preceded by the Crucifixion. The blows of trials are necessary for the salvation of our soul, for they purify it.”
Venerable Paisiy Svyatogorets[1]
“You ask what it means to ignite trouble around you? This is a deep sense of the danger of one’s position, and the extreme danger from which there is no other salvation than in the Lord Jesus Christ. This feeling will drive us to the Lord and make us cry out incessantly: help, protect! All the Saints had it and never left them. Opposite to it is a feeling of contentment with one’s position, which calms a person and extinguishes in him any concern for salvation.”
Venerable Theophan the Recluse[2]
—I—
How does a person perceive sorrows and what do they mean to him? It is usually believed that to grieve is “sad”, “yearning”, “grief”, “grieving”, “lamenting”, “worrying” and the like[3]. The negative context of the word is obvious, and from the point of view of a person far from the Church, grief is always punishment. The only question is: is it fair or not, according to deeds, or is it a blind blow of merciless fate.
Even in cases where abstract fate is replaced in a person’s consciousness by God, the general mood remains unchanged. As a rule, our assessment of sorrows invariably revolves around the idea that they are unfair, since “I” are in no way worse than others (“Why is all this to me?!”). But since the Lord (or fate) decided to punish me, then, obviously, the result after some time must necessarily be positive: we all have the kindest disposition towards ourselves.
However, this “legalism” in no way correlates with the actual nature of sorrows. Human life generally cannot be described according to the principle of a happy ending - at first he suffered, but then he understood everything, corrected his mistakes, and, finally, everything ended happily: “they lived happily, long and died on the same day.” It is impossible, since the earthly vale is only a part of our endless existence, and what matters is not how carefree a person lived a short moment from birth to death, but whether he prepared himself for eternal life, as he will enter it. From a Christian point of view, it is only in this context of eternal existence that we should reflect on sorrows.
However, we are often so intoxicated with ourselves, confident in our own abilities and at the same time sensitive to any material discomfort that we completely ignore the spiritual nature of sorrows. Pain, sadness, despondency become self-sufficient factors for us, to which our attention is solely drawn. So we don’t notice the forest for the trees. And therefore, according to one precise expression, sorrows are more difficult for us than our slavery to passions and paralysis of spiritual insensibility[4].
The fallacy of this approach to the study of human spiritual life is obvious, and therefore one should turn to the teaching of the Holy Fathers, as it has been formed since time immemorial. It immediately attracts attention that, in complete contradiction with the secular point of view, the Fathers considered sorrow to be a clear sign of the Divine visitation, a gift given to man by Christ. “The Lord loves people and sends them sorrows, so that people recognize their weakness, and humble themselves, and for their humility receive the Holy Spirit, and with the Holy Spirit, everything is good, everything is joyful, everything is beautiful.”[5].
Venerable Silouan of Athos (1866-†1938)
This is the main thing that the unchurched consciousness does not understand and does not accept, but which forms the core of a person’s spiritual life. An “old” person is mired in himself, revolves around himself, and is exclusively occupied with himself. To break this vicious circle, you need to realize the depth of the Fall, which has quite successfully created a cozy nest of pride and vanity in each of us[6]. But how to accomplish this “losing your temper”?! After all, these vices are so rooted in us that we cannot cope with them in a “natural” way - sin is not a cold, which the body is able to fight and overcome without medication.
Sin, distorting human nature, poisons our spiritual vision, everything is seen in a false light. The “ordinary” person loves nothing more than noticing the mistakes of others and judging them. In himself he observes exclusively the highest talents[7]. How can one repent of this self-intoxication of sweet pride?! But an unrepentant person does not enter the Kingdom of Heaven, since the very weight of sins that have immured the soul in a stone bag of insensibility does not allow him to accept the Savior, Who is a stranger to him. Man does not want to become like Christ, being completely content with himself. Why live without God? “What does it profit a man if he gains the whole world and loses his own soul?” (Mark 8:36).
Sorrow gives birth to humility - the mother of repentance and repentance. Only in sorrows do we realize our weakness, surrendering ourselves to God’s love for mankind, and therefore sorrows are always grace-filled. “It’s trouble,” says Saint Theophan the Recluse (January 19), “when a person is full and content in his heart, but when he’s hungry and poor, it’s so good. A beggar, even in the cold, runs through the windows and begs. Would he go if he had a piece of bread? The Lord sends hunger and trouble to those who pray and ask. This is a sign of health.”[8].
Saint Theophan the Recluse (1815-†1894)
It makes no sense to believe that sorrows have a beginning and an end. “No, our whole life is sorrow, because all our lives we overcome our nature within ourselves, we fight sin within ourselves. God becomes the Teacher of all who wish to obey Him,” said Abba Isaiah (commemorated at the Council of All Saints on Cheese Saturday) [9]. And a person learns this humility and love all his life. “The spirit of repentance,” the humility that comes from the heart, is not achieved once and for all. A whole life is not enough to learn from Christ what, in His own words, was to the deepest degree inherent in Him.”[10]
The main purpose of the sorrows allowed to us is to surrender to God’s will and renounce self-will. And not under the pressure of “circumstances”, not “fear for the sake of the Jews” (John 19: 38), not out of subtle and precise calculation, but solely out of love for God, which is based on faith in Christ.
The more spiritually enlightened a person is, the more obvious and tragic for him becomes the abyss that separates him from Christ. The more clearly he realizes that he does not know how to love like Christ, that he is unworthy of any of the gifts of God’s love for him; he is ashamed of himself before God. And in the very depths of a repentant fall, a person meets the Savior, Who stretches out His hands to him and leads him after Him[11].
As we see, in this practice there is nothing deliberate, mechanical, forced, akin to conscious immersion in a mystical trance, where the desire to achieve a certain spiritual state is dominant. Nothing that is usually called prelest by the Church Fathers. “Self-contemplation” without God is not only ungracious, but harmful - there is no humility, God’s providence and help in it, there is only an unrepentant human “I”.
Russian philosopher Yuri Fedorovich Samarin
If God does not become man's Teacher, then our labors are in vain. After all, everything that we have, which distinguishes us from animals, was given to us by God, and was not born of itself out of nothing. “Never,” wrote the wonderful Russian philosopher Yu.F. Samarin (1819-†1876), - conviction by itself will not give rise to faith, the concept of love will not warm the soul, knowledge will not turn into creativity. Everything living and creative is not acquired, but falls from the sky”[12].
Purely hypothetically, one could probably talk about people who do not need to be awakened from sin by sorrows, for example, about persons glorified by the Church. However, man is so far from God that no one can be saved except through sorrow. There is not a single saint in whose biography we would not see a struggle with passions in the form of sorrows allowed by God. The Holy Fathers knew from their own experience that only grief is capable of plunging a person into a long, deep cry for himself and revealing the full depth of his fall, without which there is no road to Christ.
And therefore, such prayer books of the Universe as St. Sergius of Radonezh (July 18) or St. Seraphim of Sarov (August 1), having become completely dispassionate, were still in sorrow. Even in the prayer to the Most Holy Theotokos it is said: “Oh, long-suffering Mother of God, above all the daughters of the earth in Her purity and in the multitude of sufferings You endured on earth...”
Again, in complete contrast to the practices of some cults, where a special spiritual life is intended only for the “chosen,” Orthodoxy proceeds from the fact that sorrows are destined for all people, even those who are completely satisfied with themselves and live far from God. Christ loves all people without exception, and therefore allows sorrow even for those who do not recognize God and do not believe in Him. For the Lord, we are all beloved children, and you need to be truly abandoned by God in order to go through this life, as in a light comedy, “with the breeze.” And finally perish for eternal life...
—II—
Today's worldly consciousness is looking for acuity of feelings - the most risky, most dangerous hobbies and sports are in use. But behold - sorrow! How much more sensual can one be in a situation where everything is incredibly aggravated, and every nerve is becoming thinner?! However, there are completely different feelings here: repentance, shame from previous mistakes and sins. Of course, this is not the adrenaline-filled rapture of a daring challenge to God and one’s own nature, but the quiet joy of a mother relieved of her burden, the repentant feeling of a prodigal son returning to his Father. “My sadness is bright, bright...”
Sorrows are always saving not only in the spiritual sense, but also lead us along the only true and useful path of earthly existence. A person often yearns for unfulfilled hopes, for missed opportunities, for unreceived benefits, rarely (alas!) asking himself the question: are they useful to him? Do they not contain a potential threat to his life? Will they not become the cause of new, perhaps insurmountable temptations, born of his own vanity and selfishness? However, few people are puzzled by this last question these days. And you “just” need to remember the words of St. Isaac the Syrian (February 10): “If you pray to God for something, and He is slow to hear you, do not grieve about it. You are no smarter than God.”[13].
Venerable Isaac the Syrian, 7th century
We should also not forget that our misunderstanding of Divine providence, through which sorrows are allowed to us, is not due to shortcomings of the Divine will, which is perfect and does not accept evil in anything, but to the limitations of our consciousness and reason. And even if some events that happen to us are incomprehensible and seem of little significance, this does not mean that they really are.
The Lord always strives to arrange the affairs of many of His children at once, and what does not matter to us, the events where we act as instruments of the Divine order of the world, are relevant to other people. But, out of habit, measuring all events exclusively for ourselves and for ourselves, we, as a proud habit, do not notice the rest. And therefore we are perplexed by Divine “wastefulness.”
The meek and loving Lord does not leave anyone with His attention, but with love and boundless patience corrects our paths. However, he does this extremely delicately and unnoticed. He does not want to put pressure on our will; Jesus Christ only wants love. But such is our fallen nature that even in sorrows, realizing why and by whom they were allowed, we, in a completely pagan way, look for external traces of the favor of “fate” towards us, just as an astrologer tries to find the non-existent laws of stellar opposition and man.
The divine plan underlying the mournful allowance does not, of course, have the character of a fatal predestination. The merciful Lord never creates situations that would not leave us the opportunity to freely choose: to understand, trust and accept grief as a means of spiritual cleansing and a beacon on our earthly path, or to try to find an “independent” way out of the current situation. Let's be honest: as a rule, we choose the second path, believing that we know better what is needed and when.
It is impossible not to notice what the most important “little things” arranged by God make up the process of experiencing sorrows. How invisible and irreplaceable they are in our destiny. But each of these episodes is a small miracle created by the Savior. Not noticing these miracles due to our sinfulness, we see a world moving as if according to some “objective laws of nature” incomprehensible to us. In fact, the Lord allows both sorrow and consolation from it; everything is created and moves only by Him. “Many are the sorrows of the righteous, and the Lord will deliver me from them all” (Ps. 33:20).
There is another danger. From spiritual experience it is known that at first, grief is always accompanied by a feeling of abandonment by God, in fact imaginary, a feeling of horror from revealed loneliness and orphanhood. The immaturity of this intermediate spiritual state is well illustrated by the fact that, trying to understand its causes, we, as a rule, shift all the blame to Jesus Christ, groaning that He has abandoned us. In fact, it was not God who left man, but man who left God.
Only when a person leaves the vicious circle of selfless contemplation and becomes spiritual, when his attention is at least a little freed from the captivity of his own “I”, this truth and the constant presence of the Divine are clearly revealed to him. The Lord never leaves any of us with His love, care, attention and help. But to see God, you need to distract yourself at least a little. The Monk John Cassian the Roman (March 13) therefore taught that the fight against pride, the mother of all vices, can only become successful with true self-sacrifice, which gives rise to genuine and unshakable humility, when a person from a simple heart submits to God’s will in everything[14].
But how can this be achieved if, in the realities of a fallen world, people strive to exist, mutually excluding each other, and assert themselves by opposing themselves to others? Overcoming sorrows and returning to God is possible only through prayer. Only and exclusively prayer as a way of human-God communication, the spiritual-physical path of repentance and repentance preserves the subtle, personal connection of a person with his Creator and Redeemer. “Ask and it will be given to you” (Matthew 7:7). Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner.
Prayer is also a means for attracting the graces abundantly poured out on us from the inexhaustible source of God's boundless love[15].
Consolation in sorrows comes unnoticed: joy, tranquility, and a quiet exhalation of repentant sin. Suddenly you notice, for example, that the image of the enemy no longer evokes hatred, but compassionate sympathy or, ideally, love for him. This is how a person moves into another dimension of time and into another space. This is “silent prayer.”
But prayer does not appear on its own, it needs to be learned throughout one’s life, and this teaching is given by the Church and in the Church. In order to know God and begin to live a life of all-forgiving and perfect Love, a person must rise from his knees and become deified. A person needs to renounce the desire to possess only and exclusively for himself something that others do not have. Only then does he begin to understand that what connects him with other people is not selfish interests, but something else - a common spiritual nature.
Only in the Church does the principle of love reveal itself in all its omnipotence. After all, having become human, Jesus Christ united with human nature in all its integrity. And in creating the Church, He united it in Himself, like disparate members of a single body, into the Body of Christ[16].
—III—
And yet, even understanding the salvific value of sorrows for us, one involuntarily asks the question: how did the Merciful Lord allow that spiritual sobriety is inevitably accompanied by suffering all sorts of negative events: illness, persecution, insults, hatred, loss of loved ones, slander, etc. Does God really want this suffering?! Of course no. But you need to understand that some sorrows are inevitable for a Christian, since the world, lying in sin and darkness, is simply unable to accept the light flowing from the pure spring of the faith of Christ. “Light has come into the world, but people loved darkness rather than light, because their deeds were evil” (John 3:19).
As for the sorrows caused by our own sins, the internal sensations experienced while undergoing them do not always reflect the true picture. A pure heart that sees God does not perceive them as such. And therefore the Venerable Paisius the Holy Mountain (June 29) says: “If a person treats pain in a spiritual way, then he has no sorrows. In pain there is hope in God, there is also Divine consolation”[17]. On the contrary, if a sick person prays to God only so that the illness will leave him, then there is very little benefit in such selfish prayer[18].
In other words, sorrows in themselves do not bring any suffering. Objectively, through them the Lord arranges our earthly and spiritual paths. And subjectively, they are as painfully sensitive to us as we are sinful and removed from God. There is no need to remind us that the Lord never allows us trials beyond what we are able to bear (1 Cor. 10:13), and that His burden is light (Matthew 11: 28-30).
Therefore, sorrows, to a certain extent, can be called phantoms of our sinful consciousness. By allowing them, the Lord empathizes with us in them (“I am with him in sorrow” - Ps. 90:15), instructs us and sobers us. They make us forget at least for a minute about the coveted earthly blessings and think about our soul. But since they occur against the will of a particular person, his sinful consciousness perceives them exclusively in a negative light.
This is not how the blessed react to sorrows, for whom sorrows are the most wonderful news. The Apostle Paul writes: “So that I would not become arrogant, I was given a thorn in the flesh, an angel of Satan, to harass me. Three times I prayed to the Lord to remove him from me, but the Lord said to me: “My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I am content in weaknesses, in insults, in needs, in persecutions, in oppressions for Christ’s sake: for when I am weak, then I am strong” (2 Cor. 12: 7-10). And the Venerable Porfiry Kavsokalivit (December 1) once recalled that during a heart attack he saw the Divine Light so brightly that he lost consciousness from happiness and the grace that washed over him[19].
Slowly and far from immediately, the Divine presence is revealed to man. The Lord touched you with His hand, and grace caused incredible delight in the heart, all sorrows instantly seem like nothing, emptiness, they simply disappear from a person’s spiritual vision. So a person is surprised to discover that some seemingly insignificant, but in fact very important and significant events that took place during confrontation with oneself in sorrows did not arise on their own, but as a result of the action of some kind Power. “For the Lord knows the way of the righteous” (Ps. 1:6).
The longer a person lives in sorrow, the more Divine participation in his destiny is revealed to him. And when he loves Jesus Christ, then Divine love enters into him and all difficulties disappear[20]. As the Monk Silouan of Athos (September 11) said, “sorrows drown in the heart of the humble, because the power of the Lord is with him.”[21]
Konstantin Leontyev, monastically Clement
A textbook example of humility and trust in the will of God and Divine consolation was given by the great Russian philosopher K.N. Leontyev (1831-†1891), describing during his stay on Holy Mount Athos a certain Serbian monk Fr. Pachomia. Judging by his appearance, he wrote, this monk could be mistaken for a savage. However, he believes everything written in the Gospel and does not know how to doubt “scientifically.” “A holy smile always shines on his face. And really, what should he grieve and lament about? Does he have any crackers, clothes or shoes? Well, he has a God who sees all this and, as He pleases, provides for him. Is it damp and cold in his cave? But he has patience, which he dresses himself in like armor. Are he beset by troubles, monastic sorrows and temptations from a malicious enemy? But the old man has so much devotion to the will of God that even if heaven and earth collide, nothing will shake him! In fact, what can shake this adamantine soul if he is in God and God is in him?!”[22].
+ + +
57Reverends Paisiy Svyatogorets (1924-†1994) and Porfiry Kavsokalivit (1906-†1991)
Rev. Porfiry Kavsokalivit: “...A man of Christ must love Christ, and when he loves Christ, he is freed from the devil, from hell and death. You ask me: “Have you achieved this?” No, I haven’t achieved it, I’m asking for it, I want it...”[23]
Velichko Alexey Mikhailovich, Doctor of Law
FOOTNOTES
[1]Venerable Paisius the Holy Mountain. Words: In 6 volumes. T. 2. M., 2007. P. 97.
[2] Saint Theophan the Recluse. Outline of Christian moral teaching: In 2 volumes. T. 1. Pskov-Pechersky Monastery, 1994. P. 6.
[3]Dal V.I. Explanatory Dictionary of the Living Great Russian Language: In 4 volumes. T. 4. St. Petersburg, 1998. P. 204.
[4] Sophrony (Sakharov), archimandrite. See God as He is. Holy Trinity Sergius Lavra, St. John the Baptist Monastery, 2011. P. 23.
[5] Sophrony (Sakharov), archimandrite. Venerable Silouan of Athos. Holy Trinity Sergius Lavra, 2002. P. 300.
[6]Reverend Porfiry Kavsokalivit. Tsvetoslov of advice. Holy Mount Athos, 2008. P. 397.
[7]Elder Joseph the Hesychast. Complete collection of creations. M., 2015. P. 33.
[8]Saint Theophan the Recluse. Outline of Christian moral teaching. T. 1. P. 4.
[9] “Fatherland, compiled by St. Ignatius Brianchaninov.” Holy Mount Athos, 1996. P. 121.
[10]Gabriel (Bunge), schema-archimandrite. Lord, teach us to pray.
[11] Sophrony (Sakharov), archimandrite. See God as He is. P. 172.
[12] Samarin Yu.F. Letter from N.V. Gogol (March 1846) // Samarin Yu.F. Collected works: In 5 volumes. T. 3. St. Petersburg, 2021. P. 426.
[13] “Fatherland, compiled by St. Ignatius Brianchaninov.” P. 227.
[14]Reverend John Cassian the Roman. Scriptures. Holy Trinity Sergius Lavra, 1993. P. 163.
[15]Reverend Nicodemus the Holy Mountain. Invisible abuse. M., 2010. P. 207.
[16]Lossky V.N. Vision of God: Alexandria // Lossky V.N. Theology and vision of God: collection of articles. M., 2000. P. 163.
[17]Venerable Paisius the Svyatogorets. Words. T. 2. P. 323.
[18]Reverend Porfiry Kavsokalivit. Tsvetoslov of advice. Holy Mount Athos, 2008. pp. 101, 102.
[19]Ibid. P. 105.
[20]Ibid. pp. 76, 89.
[21] Sophrony (Sakharov), archimandrite. Venerable Silouan of Athos. P. 300.
[22] Leontiev K.N. Four letters from Athos. Third letter // Leontiev K.N. East, Russia and the Slavs. M., 1996. S. 31, 32.
[23]Reverend Porfiry Kavsokalivit. Tsvetoslov of advice. P. 25.
We must endure our sin
—Can you imagine a situation in which you would suddenly stop being a priest?
- Yes, how many times have I imagined it! But I could leave the Church in one case - if I were kicked out. This would be very scary for me.
Priest Sergius Kruglov: The reasons for de-churching are within ourselves
- What would you do?
- I have no idea... Well, somehow I can continue to live. I would become a psychologist or what’s his name… a coach (laughs).
In fact, when I learn about certain cases of priests leaving the Church, the first thing is to keep track of myself. Because immediately condemnation and a certain exaltation begins to pop up inside: “Ah-ah-ah, now they’re gone, but here I am, I’m great.”
The fact that they left is their business; the judge is not me, but God. But if some kind of Covid breaks me now, at the moment of condemnation, then I will die with this galloping Pikachu in my soul... Therefore, I try not to allow any schadenfreude.
- How to endure things that are impossible to endure? Fear of death, fear of weakness. Time does not go in circles, we move from beginning to end.
- How to overcome... The child goes for a walk, doesn’t answer the phone, you pray, but you can’t stand it - you run to look for him in the streets and imagine the most terrible pictures... There are things that you won’t get used to, you won’t “train.” Although they also become easier to survive if you have this same patience.
Another thing is that you have to start over every morning, and every day is like a little life from birth to death, to old age. And something is changing in her too. “Be patient with the Lord” is a biblical expression
Patience is very important
-
And creativity, poetry - do they personally help you endure?
— Creativity, poetry, books, prayer, loved ones. And some of my inner qualities help me endure. For example, cowardice.
-
Cowardice?
— One sin helps to destroy another, something like that. How is this possible? The point is that true order and meaning are only possible in what God himself created. And what Satan stole and from which he tries to create his own order is always, excuse the expression, a mess.
It seems that this is a coordinated attack of sinful passions, a massive attack, that they have order in the army, but no. Surely some sergeant major will get a pebble in his boot and the whole attack will fall apart. That is why one sin, one satanic property, often acts against another. Do you see the dragon's teeth coming out of the ground? Throw them a stone and let them squabble. And hide on the sidelines, freeze and think: “Lord, give me the strength to endure and make sure it doesn’t get worse.”
“Is it worthy for a priest to scribble with a pen?” Drawings by father Sergius Kruglov
— So this is not cowardice, but rather stoicism. But how does one sin destroy another?
- Well, that’s vanity and hypocrisy. They are always nearby, because the root of all sins is the same, but they are still different things. For example, you wrote a proud post on Facebook, showed off, and then you think - no, they will say that I’m bragging, I’d better keep quiet... Hypocrisy forces you to destroy the vanity post.
But there are times when you no longer care what they think of you. Remember how Mandelstam did? “There is an unshakable rock of values.” This was the case, for example, with the letter from priests on Pravmir on the topic of the “Moscow case”, in defense of the convicted. To remain silent, not to raise your voice for those innocently punished, is a sin. And then someone will definitely start saying that you are looking for cheap popularity, you are joining some party, you want to become famous... Maybe this is so. The dragon's teeth are sticking out of the ground and haven't gone anywhere. Throw them a stone and let them chew. Just go away and be patient.
GRIEF ABOUT THE DEATH OF A NEIGHBOR IS A NATURAL STATE
Venerable Ephraim the Syrian:
“...nature itself teaches a person to lament about his neighbor.” (“On the death of the priest”)
Saint John Chrysostom:
“What, you say, is it possible for a person not to cry? Yes, I don’t forbid this... I know that nature is revealed in this, and that it seeks community and daily communication. It’s impossible not to be sad.” (Conversation 62 on the Gospel of John // Complete Works. Vol. 8, part 1)
Saint Theophan the Recluse:
“If you don’t grieve, you can’t help but grieve. And grieve. This is so natural that the Lord, who is everywhere, looking at your grief, will not be offended that with a heart disease you meet what He, of course, out of love for you, deigned to send you.” (Letter 90 // Collected Letters)
Georgy, the recluse of Zadonsky:
“...feelings of friendship and the habit of mutually kind treatment amaze us at the thought of the irrevocable deprivation of such a pleasant object, and therefore we naturally feel in our souls sorrow for such a priceless loss.” (Letters, 1, 121)
Even Jesus Christ experienced sadness at the death of Lazarus.
Blessed Theophylact of Bulgaria:
“When Jesus saw her (Mary) weeping and the Jews who came with her weeping, He Himself was grieved in spirit and indignant, and said: “Where have you laid him?” They say to Him: “Lord! come and see.” Jesus shed tears. Then the Jews said: “Look how He loved him.” Since Mary and those who came with her were crying, human nature was inclined to tears and was embarrassed. The Lord suppresses the shock in the spirit, that is, by the Spirit he curbs the confusion, and holds it back, and asks the question, without revealing any tears. But as the Lord grieved, for He was truly a man, and wanted to confirm the reality of His human nature, He allowed it to do its thing. At the same time, He limits the flesh, forbids it by the power of the Holy Spirit; but the flesh, unable to bear the prohibition, is embarrassed, sighs and gives in to sadness. The Lord allows His humanity to experience all this in part in order to confirm that He was a Man in truth, and not in providence...” (Commentary on the Gospel of John, Chapter 11)
Prophets and saints alike experienced such sadness.
Saint Basil the Great:
“Need I say how much lamentation I had at the news of the grief caused by the death of the most excellent of men, Vrison? Without a doubt, no one has such a stony heart that, having known such a person through personal experience and then hearing that he was suddenly kidnapped from people, he would not consider his loss a general loss to the world.” (Letter 294 (302) // Letters)
Sadness often helps one cope with grief.
Saint Theophan the Recluse:
“It is the mercy of God that you are crying. Crying half relieves the grief of the heart. Have a cry; and then look for consolation!” (Letter 1348 // Collected Letters)
But at the same time, natural sadness about the deceased speaks of our spiritual weakness.
Saint John Chrysostom:
“So, this is what you cry and sob about?.. But what to do? you will say: such is our nature. No, don’t blame nature and don’t consider your tears necessary. We ourselves transform everything, we ourselves indulge in weaknesses, we humiliate ourselves and make the infidels worse.” (Conversation 31 // Complete Works. Vol. 7, part 1)
“Usually it is not the nature of events that plunges us into sadness, but our will, not the death of the deceased, but the weakness of those who mourn.” (About Lazarus // Complete Works. Vol. 1, part 2)
Natural sadness can exceed the limit.
Blessed Theophylact of Bulgaria also says that the Lord, grieving over the death of Lazarus, showed by His example:
“... that He was in truth, and not in providence, but partly in order to teach us to set the limits and measure of sadness and carelessness. For to lack sympathy and tears is characteristic of animals, but to shed many tears and indulge in much sadness is characteristic of women. And since the Lord took upon Himself our flesh and blood (Heb. 2:14), He takes part in what is characteristic of man and nature, and shows us the measure in both.” (Commentary on the Gospel of John, chapter 11)
Many holy fathers say that grief for the deceased should be in moderation, decent and reasonable.
Saint Theophan the Recluse:
“It is impossible not to grieve: such is our soul; but in moderation, and a small one at that.” (Letter 177 // Collected Letters)
“Cry, cry. There is nothing unnatural or reproachful in this. It would be a miracle if the mother did not cry about her daughter’s death. But at the same time, you need to know when to stop: not to kill yourself and not to forget those concepts about death and the dead that are given to us by Christianity.” (Letter 1274 // Collected Letters)
“Great grief for you! And you cannot help but lament. However, do not forget to maintain a measure of contrition. Pay back your debt to nature: grieve, cry, and get to work. There is a cry for the dead, but for the living it’s something else: the living thing tells fortunes . (Letter 482 // Collection of letters)
Monk Agapius:
“There is no sin to weep in a decent, blessed way, for this is what happens from nature. But excessive crying is evil. You cannot grieve beyond measure and not desire consolation. You cannot be so sick as if you are of a different faith, and you have no hope of seeing a friend in the Kingdom of Heaven. You mourn for him as if he were completely lost and gone to destruction.” (Salvation of sinners. Part 1, chapter 29)
Saint John Chrysostom:
“...we will cry, but without violating decency, somehow: we will not tear (our) hair, bare our hands, torment our faces, put on black clothes, but only in our souls we will quietly shed bitter tears. And without this ritual, you can cry bitterly, and not just joke: in fact, what some people do is no different from jokes. These public torments are not out of compassion, but for show, out of ambition and vanity; many (women) do it as a trade. Cry bitterly and groan long, where no one sees...” (Conversation 28 // Complete Works. Vol. 11, part 1)
The Monk Theodore the Studite speaks about such a decent attitude towards death , narrating how in the monastery in which he lived, the monks perceived the death of the brethren:
“With us everything is different, not in a worldly way. So, when death happens, there is no crying and screaming here, like among those who love life, but the burial of the deceased takes place in silence: for here neither the wife wails, nor the children scream, nor the relatives compose lamentable songs, remembering one thing or another, but the departure is with joy, and the departure with good hope; although there are tears, out of spiritual love for the departed: in which there is nothing inappropriate; just as the Lord wept at the tomb of Lazarus, according to the nature of our nature (John 11:35).” (Philokalia. Vol. 4, chapter 332)
There should be a warm memory of the deceased, and not long, inconsolable sadness.
Saint Theophan the Recluse:
“You think that time will not heal your sorrow. This is wrong. What will finally remain is a quiet one - not sorrow, but a consolation-bringing memory.” (Letter 424 // Letters)
“You too should respond with a calm, undisturbed, warm memory of her.” (Letter 1274 // Collected Letters)
“Everyone is grieving. This is par for the course. But it will pass. The sorrowful feelings will subside, and a quiet memory will remain.” (Letter 1369 // Collected Letters)
Tears are timely when a person is still sick, but when he has died, sometimes it is better to stop crying.
Saint John Chrysostom:
“...it remains for me to give one example from antiquity, which can provide any consolation and which let everyone listen with the ear of the heart, even if it is a suffering one. The great King David grieved greatly when his beloved son, whom he loved as his own soul, was stricken with illness (2 Samuel 12:16 et seq.); and since human means no longer brought any benefit, he turned to the Lord, putting aside the royal pomp, sat down on the ground, lay down in a hair shirt, did not eat or drink, praying to God for seven whole days, in the hope that his son would not be returned to him his. The elders of his house approached him with consolations and asked him to eat bread, fearing that he, wishing for the life of his son, would not reach the point of exhaustion before him; but they could neither convince him nor force him, because impatient love usually despises danger itself. The king lay in a gloomy hair shirt, and his son was sick; neither words brought him any consolation, nor the very need for food had any effect; his soul fed on sorrow, his chest breathed with sadness, and instead of drinking, tears flowed from his eyes. Meanwhile, what was predetermined by God happened: the baby died; the wife was in tears, the whole house was filled with groans, the servants waited in fear for what would happen; no one dared to inform the master about the death of his son, fearing that the king, who so bitterly mourned his still living son, would take his own life upon hearing about his death. While the servants were conferring with each other, while in despondency they either advised or forbade each other to speak, David understood and warned the messengers, asking if his son had died. Unable to deny it, they announced what had happened in tears. At the same time, there was extraordinary apprehension, strong expectation and fear, lest the gentle father endanger himself. But King David immediately leaves the hair shirt, gets up cheerfully, as if having received news of the safety of his son, goes to the washbasin and washes his body, comes to the temple, prays to God, eats food with those close to him, suppressing sighs, putting aside all lamentation, and with a cheerful already face. His family is surprised, those close to him are amazed at this extraordinary and sudden change and, finally, they dare to ask him what it means that during his son’s life he grieved so much, but after his death he does not grieve? Then this man, extraordinary in his generosity, answered them: while the son was still alive, it was necessary to humble himself, and fast, and cry before the face of the Lord, because there was hope for
bringing him back to life; but, when the will of the Lord has been accomplished, it is reckless and wicked to torment the soul with useless crying; now, he says: “I will go to him, but it (the child) will not return to me.”
(2 Kings 12:23).
Here is an example of generosity and courage!” (On consolation in death. Word 2 // Complete Works. Vol. 6, part 2)
How to overcome grief
Your soul may feel lighter even after a simple conversation. Therefore, it would be right to talk to someone. You can talk with family and friends, as well as with those you simply trust. Anyone nearby should listen carefully to the mourner and continue the conversation, even if it is unpleasant.
A diary in which you should write down your thoughts and feelings can help alleviate emotional distress. Many people feel better when they throw out painful things.
You can write a letter to someone you have lost, telling in the letter everything that you were unable to say during your lifetime. This is especially helpful if the death of a loved one was unexpected. There is no need to be ashamed of tears, it is a natural way to relieve the burden from the soul.
Tears are an indispensable part of recovery. You should not assure the mourner to hold back, since tears can remove the severity of sensations. Uncrying grief can affect both physical and mental health. Often, loved ones impose on a relative a way of experiencing misfortune. Some, for example, believe that the mourner cries too much and needs to hold on morally and not succumb to sadness. Others, on the contrary, blame insufficient mourning and feelings for the deceased. Everyone experiences sad events individually, so it would be incorrect to indicate how to feel or act in this case. A person’s mental recovery will come if he acts as his heart and personal ideas about what happened tell him.
If others see personal grief, it is not shameful. By surrendering to your experiences, you can get emotional release and relieve accumulated tension. There is no need to refuse the help of others, since this is how the environment can express sympathy.
Over time, the acute pain will gradually fade away, but for this it is important to stick to your usual daily routine. If at first you have to do some actions through force, then over time you will come to the realization that your well-being improves precisely from activity in life.
It is not recommended to numb the pain with alcohol, as addiction may occur. It is important to be patient and forgiving with yourself, forgive yourself for your weaknesses, accept yourself as anyone, allowing your loved ones to suffer for as long as it takes to restore mental strength.
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How to cope with loss and grief
Grief is a natural reaction to loss. This is the intense emotional process of suffering that a person experiences when something or someone who is loved or very important is taken away from him. Loss can affect not only another person, but also categories such as health, abilities, prospects, hope, freedom, work, funds, home or homeland. Almost every person goes through losses and the grief associated with them, each time learning to live anew, without what was so dear to them. Gradually, the pain becomes less and less, the grief decreases, and the person who has coped with the experience of loss begins to live again, rejoicing in what he has, what he can still gain, or simply from the awareness of the fact of his existence in this world.
But, in the beginning, people in a state of grief feel that the pain of loss can be insurmountable. A person in this state may experience complex and unexpected emotions: from shock or anger to disbelief, guilt and deep sadness. The pain of grief can also undermine physical health, making it difficult to sleep, eat properly, and think properly. Severe grief can manifest itself in a rich range of negative bodily manifestations, which usually come in periodic attacks (lasting from a quarter of an hour to a little over an hour). During attacks of grief, a person feels that he does not have enough air, he breathes quickly, constantly sighs, a “lump rolls up in his throat,” a “pulling emptiness” is felt in his stomach, muscle strength is lost (exhaustion and exhaustion), while the body feels like “ binds,” and the soul experiences almost physical pain and tension. During attacks of grief, certain changes in consciousness may occur: a feeling of unreality of what is happening, as if it were a “movie” about someone else, the effect of observing oneself from the outside, a feeling of “emptiness inside,” dullness or absence of emotions, disorganization of purposeful activities. In some cases, visual, auditory or combined illusions may arise - a person will “see”, “hear” or “perceive” in another way the presence of the object of loss. It is also possible to identify oneself with the deceased when the mourner takes on individual traits and characteristics of the deceased. In relationships, most often, the person experiencing grief increases the distance and sharply reduces the intensity of interaction, although at certain stages of grief the opposite effect is possible. When communicating, irritability and hostility may appear. Feelings of guilt often arise.
Grief attacks are more common from time to time, especially when someone or something suddenly reminds you of the loss.
And all this is a completely normal reaction to loss: and the greater the loss, the greater the grief will be.
What Causes Grief?
Coping with the loss of someone or something you love is one of the biggest challenges in life that the vast majority of people go through. The death of a loved one is usually the cause of the most severe grief, but any other loss or bereavement can also cause it:
- Divorce or breakup
- Loss of health
- Job loss
- Loss of financial stability
- Artificial or spontaneous termination of pregnancy
- Retirement
- Death of a pet
- Loss of a cherished dream
- Serious illness of a loved one
- Loss of friendship
- Loss of security
- Selling a family home
- Loss of freedom
- Loss of abilities, skills
Even minor life losses can cause feelings of grief. For example, grief can overwhelm a person when moving to another city or country, after graduating from an educational institution, or when changing jobs. A loss that can cause acute grief does not have to be irrevocable, such as death. Severe grief can be caused by even a temporary loss, not only real, but even imaginary.
Whatever the loss, it is always very personal, so there is no need to be ashamed of your feelings and believe that you can only grieve about the death of loved ones. If a relationship, a pet, or even a certain situation was important, then it is completely normal to grieve a loss that a person feels so strongly about.
However, whatever the cause of grief, there are healthy ways to cope with heartache that, over time, can ease the sadness and help you come to terms with the loss, find new meaning, and ultimately move on with your life.
The grieving process and the work of grief
Grief is only an individual experience: there is no right or wrong way to grieve. How a person grieves depends on many factors, including personality strength, coping styles, life experiences, faith, and how significant the loss was. The grieving process itself takes time, as healing occurs gradually and cannot be accelerated. Some people begin to feel better within a few weeks or months of their loss, while others continue to grieve for many years.
The process of normal recovery after loss is ensured by the so-called “grief work.” This is a kind of psychological adaptation of a person to a new life in conditions that have objectively or subjectively changed for him, liberation from a state of dependence on what was lost, the formation of new goals and new relationships. The process of grief work performs a number of psychotherapeutic tasks:
1. Helps you accept the reality of loss at the level of feelings (not just with your mind).
2. Helps to survive pain so that it does not transform into painful symptoms.
3. Creates a new identity for a person, helps him find his place in the world.
4. Promotes the transfer of energy from holding losses to the creative aspects of life.
Stages of the normal course of grief (according to Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, 1969)
The model was made famous by Swiss-American psychiatrist Dr. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, who described her in her 1969 book On Death and Dying, which was inspired by her work with terminally ill patients. These stages are only a reflection of how people typically cope with illness and death, not a reflection of how people grieve. Moreover, this model was described back in the 1940s by such authors as Erich Lindemann, Colleen Murray Parks and John Bowlby. In a book co-written with David Kessler and published posthumously (D. Kessler. Finding Meaning: The Sixth Stage of Grief. Simon and Schuster, 2019), Kübler-Ross expanded her model to include any form of personal loss, such as the death of a loved one, loss of a job or income, relationship breakup or divorce, drug addiction, incarceration, the onset of illness, an infertility diagnosis, and even minor losses such as loss of insurance coverage. Kessler also proposed "Meaning" as the sixth stage of grief and reiterated that the stages of grief are not a linear graph that may have a "norm."
1. Shock + Denial: The shock of the loss suffered and the denial to believe in the reality of what happened can last from a few seconds to several weeks, on average 7-9 days.
“This can’t happen to me.” This phase of disbelief in the reality of the loss, the desire to return the deceased and denial of the irrevocability of the loss can last longer than the first shock stage. In the immediate aftermath of a loss, it can be difficult to accept what happened. The person may not believe that the loss actually occurred or may even deny the truth. A bereaved person may even think that he sees the deceased in a crowd on the street or hears his footsteps in the next room.
2. Anger (aggression): “Why is this happening to me? Who is guilty?". This stage lasts up to 6-7 weeks from the moment of loss, although being stuck in this stage can continue for years. It is expressed in the form of indignation, hostility towards others, in blaming oneself, relatives, friends, and the attending physician for the death of a loved one.
3. Bargaining: “Make sure this doesn’t happen, and in return I will ____.” At this stage, the work of mystical thinking is manifested, faith in miracles is strong (which is actively used by priests, sorcerers, mediums, etc., exploiting grieving people), the hope of somehow returning the deceased does not disappear, and the mourner “meets” him or leads him act as if he were about to appear. You can find statements from children: “if I behave well, he will come back, etc.”
4. Depression: “I’m too sad to do anything.” About six months after the loss, the stage of depression begins. Particularly painful are periods associated with loss (holidays, birthdays, common dates), and everyday difficulties. At this stage, awareness of the loss begins, so melancholy, withdrawal into oneself, and a pessimistic view of the future appear. Deep sadness is probably the most common symptom of grief. The bereaved may experience feelings of emptiness, despair, sadness, or deep loneliness, cry a lot, or feel emotionally unstable.
Often there is a feeling of guilt . A person may regret or feel guilty about something they did or didn’t do or didn’t say. It is not uncommon to feel guilty because of the sense of relief experienced when a person has died after a long, serious illness. It is possible to feel guilty that something was not done to prevent the death, even if it could not have been prevented at all.
A significant loss can cause a lot of anxiety and fear. The person may feel anxious, helpless, or uncertain. There may even be panic attacks. The death of a loved one may raise concerns about one's own mortality, facing life without that person, or responsibilities that will now have to be dealt with alone.
This stage accounts for much of the work of grief, and suicidal thoughts and behavior may arise during this stage.
5. Acceptance: “I have come to terms with what happened.” Acceptance includes not only coming to terms with the loss, but also understanding that with the loss, one’s own life has not lost its meaning. During this period, physiological functions and professional activities are restored. The person gradually comes to terms with the fact of loss. He still experiences grief, but his attacks are becoming less frequent and less intense.
6. Meaning (D. Kessler): the stage of finding hope and new meanings in life.
Anyone who experiences such experiences needs to know that all reactions are completely natural, and that over time the grief will lessen and pass. However, not everyone who grieves will have to go through all these stages—and that’s okay, too. Contrary to popular belief, a person does not need to experience every stage of grief work in order to heal.
Kübler-Ross herself, in her last book before her death in 2004, said this about the five stages of grief: “... there is no typical reaction to loss, because there is no typical loss. Our grief is as individual as our lives.” In fact, some people resolve grief without going through any of these stages, or by skipping stages. Therefore, you don’t need to worry about going through them clearly and sequentially and about what you “should” feel at each stage.
Disruptions to the normal functioning of grief
If the normal process of grief is disrupted, for example, when a person tries to avoid difficult experiences, does not want to come to terms with the loss, then the duration of stay in a state of grief can be significantly prolonged, and grief can take on a pathological form, and instead of gaining hopes and new meanings, the person may find himself and a severe crisis. Existing myths about grief play a significant role in the formation of pathological grief:
Myth: Heartache will go away faster if you ignore it.
Fact: Trying to ignore your pain or stop yourself from expressing it will only make it worse in the long run. True healing requires accepting your grief and actively dealing with it.
Myth: It is important to “be strong” in the face of loss.
Fact: Feelings of sadness, fear, or loneliness are normal reactions to loss. Crying is not a sign of weakness. There is no need to “defend” your family or friends by being brave. Only acknowledging and expressing your true feelings can help everyone.
Myth: If there are no tears, then there are no regrets about the loss.
Fact: Crying is a normal reaction, but not the only one. Those who don't cry can feel pain just as deeply as others. They may simply have other ways of showing it.
Myth: The mourning period should usually last about a year.
Fact: There is no specific time frame for the grief process. How long this will take depends on the individual.
Myth: Moving on with your life means forgetting about your loss.
Fact: Moving forward means accepting the loss, but it is not the same as ignoring or “forgetting.” A person can move on with their life and hold on to the memory of someone or something they lost as an important part of themselves. In fact, as people move forward in life, these memories can become an integral and important part of the self.
Painful (pathological) grief reactions
Grief is a normal process that helps restore personal integrity after a bereavement. However, if the normal grieving process is prolonged, grief can become a “disease” and its healthy function of processing psychological trauma and adapting to new living conditions can be disrupted. In this case, the person who has experienced the loss is, as it were, “delayed” at a certain stage of the work of grief. Most often this occurs at the stage of acute grief (loss syndrome).
Complicated grief. The sadness of losing a loved one never completely goes away, but it should not remain the focus. If the pain of loss is so constant and intense that it prevents you from resuming normal life, you may have a condition known as complicated grief. Complicated grief is similar to a state of intense grief. In this state, one may have trouble accepting death long after it has occurred. Or the sufferer is so preoccupied with the person who has died that it disrupts his daily life and undermines his relationships with other people.
Symptoms of complicated grief include:
- Intense longing and longing for a deceased loved one
- Intrusive thoughts or images of a loved one
- Denial of death or feelings of disbelief
- Fantasies that the beloved is still alive
- Searching for a deceased loved one in familiar places
- Avoiding things that remind you of your loved one
- Extreme anger or bitterness over a loss
- Feeling that life is empty or meaningless
If the death of a loved one was sudden, violent, or otherwise extremely traumatic, complex grief may manifest as acute stress disorder or post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). If extremely distressing experiences do not subside within 72 hours, you may have developed an acute stress disorder that requires help from a mental health professional. If more than 30 days have passed, and the symptoms have been joined by nightmares, excessive reactions (aggression), dulling of emotions, strange sensations of falling out of the world, time or body, memory and attention disorders, constant returns to images of the lost, cravings for alcohol or medications, then Acute post-traumatic disorder may have developed. PTSD always requires the help of a doctor to prevent the disease from becoming chronic.
Delaying the grief reaction. This situation is possible when the loss finds a person in the process of a very responsible job or function, the need to help others who are less resilient. In this case, the grief reaction occurs, but later, when the dominant situation is resolved. In this case, the grief reaction can catch a person “out of the blue” at the most unexpected moment for others, sometimes years after the loss.
Chronic grief. In this case, the psychological trauma is not processed, or it proceeds too slowly. Acute grief syndrome in such cases can occur even years later when reminded of the loss.
Distorted grief reactions. Losses are an integral part of the life of almost every person. However, bereavement can destroy the protective illusions of control and safety of life, blur personal boundaries, which leads to the transformation of the process of grief into the development of illness: These options include:
- Hyperactivity, search for thrills and risks, sometimes even fatal.
- The appearance of symptoms of the disease, repetition of dangerous situations that led to the death of a significant person.
- The appearance of psychosomatic diseases (asthma, peptic ulcer, hypertension, ulcerative colitis, tumors, diabetes mellitus).
- Social isolation, aggressiveness, paranoid tendencies.
- Self-destructive behavior, self-punishment leading to agitated depression with a risk of suicide.
- Conflicted (exaggerated) grief. Most often it is characterized by a distortion towards increased feelings of guilt and anger, which can form a pathological vicious circle of reactions that do not allow one to process the loss. The exit from the state is likely to involve a stage of euphoria, which turns into depression.
Suppressed or absent grief. In this case, symptoms of grief may not be externally observed. In this case, a person can completely deny the loss or mask his experiences. In these cases, suppressed or denied experiences often manifest themselves in the form of psychosomatic diseases, including acute ones.
Distorted, painful forms of grief reactions most often require psychological and sometimes psychiatric help. However, they pass, and grief returns to its normal course, which over time adapts a person to a new life after a significant loss.
How to cope with loss and subsequent grief?
Although the grief of loss or loss is an inevitable part of life, there are ways to help cope with the pain, come to terms with your grief, and ultimately find a way to put yourself back together from the pieces so you can move on with your life.
Acknowledge your pain. Accept that grief can bring up many different and unexpected difficult emotions. Understand that your own grieving process will be unique. Seek personal support from people who care about you. Support yourself emotionally while taking care of yourself physically. Know the difference between grief and depression.
Look for support! Experiencing heartache during grief can often make you want to withdraw from other people and withdraw within yourself. But personal support from others is vital to healing from loss. Even if you don't feel comfortable talking about your feelings under normal circumstances, it's important to express them when you're grieving. Although sharing your grief with someone can make you feel better, it doesn't mean you have to talk about your loss every time you interact with friends and family. You can get support even just by being close to those who care about you. The main thing is not to isolate yourself.
Reach out to friends and family members. It's time to rely on people who care about you, even if you usually pride yourself on being strong and self-sufficient. Instead of avoiding them, spend time with them and accept the help they offer. People often want to help but don't know how, so tell them what you need - whether it's a shoulder to cry on, help with funeral arrangements, or just someone to talk to. If you don't feel like you have someone you can connect with regularly in person, it's never too late to make new friends or get involved in bereavement therapy groups.
Please note that many people feel uncomfortable trying to comfort the bereaved. Grief can be confusing and sometimes frightening for many people, especially if they have not yet experienced a similar loss themselves. They may not know how to comfort you and end up saying or doing the wrong things. But don't use this as an excuse to withdraw into yourself and avoid social contact. If a friend or acquaintance contacts you, even if it is incorrect or incorrect from your point of view, it is only because they care.
Find comfort in faith. If you follow a religious tradition, do not deny yourself the comfort that its mourning rituals or fellowship with your faith brothers and sisters and spiritual director can provide. Spiritual activities that are meaningful to you—such as prayer, meditation, or going to church—can bring comfort.
Join a support group . Grief most often gives rise to a deep feeling of loneliness, even when there are loved ones nearby. Sharing your sadness with others who have experienced similar losses can help you get your life back on track.
Talk to a specialist. If your grief seems unbearable, find a mental health professional with experience in grief counseling. An experienced psychologist can help you cope with strong emotions and overcome obstacles to your healing.
Using social media for support . Memorial pages on Facebook and other social media have become a popular way to inform a wide audience about the passing of a loved one and seek support. These pages not only allow you to share practical information such as funeral plans, but also allow friends and family to post their own condolences and memories. Reading such messages can often bring comfort to those experiencing loss. For privacy reasons, it is better to make such groups or pages private.
Take care of yourself while you grieve. When you're grieving, it's more important than ever to take care of yourself. Severe stress can quickly drain your energy and emotional resources. Taking care of your physical and emotional needs will help you get through this difficult time. The mind and body are closely connected. When you feel healthy, you cope better emotionally. Combat stress and fatigue by getting enough sleep, eating right and exercising. Don't use alcohol or drugs to numb the pain of grief or artificially elevate your mood.
Face your experiences. You can try to suppress your grief, but you can't avoid it forever. To heal, you must acknowledge the pain. Trying to avoid feelings of sadness and denying the loss only prolongs the grieving process. Unresolved grief can also lead to complications such as depression, anxiety, substance abuse and other health problems.
Express your feelings in tangible or creative ways . Write about your loss in a journal. If you've lost a loved one, write a letter saying all the things you never should have said, and create a scrapbook and photo album dedicated to the person's life. You can continue the work started by the departed, or do what he wanted to do, but did not have time.
Try to maintain your hobbies and interests. Returning to activities that bring you joy and bring you closer to others can help you come to terms with the loss and help the grieving process.
Personal boundaries. Don't let anyone tell you how to feel and don't tell yourself how to feel. Your grief is your own, and no one else can tell you when it’s time to “move on” or “get over it.” Allow yourself to feel whatever you feel without embarrassment or judgment, accepting yourself as you are. It's okay to be angry, scream at the skies, cry a lot, or not cry at all. It's also okay to laugh, find moments of joy, and let go of loss when you're ready.
Plan to meet grief triggers. Anniversaries, holidays and memorials can awaken memories and feelings. Be prepared for emotional turmoil and know that this is completely normal. If you share a holiday or memorial event with other relatives, talk to them in advance about their expectations and agree on strategies for remembering the deceased.
Let go of the loss. In case of prolonged denial of the fact of loss, fixation on the lost, the Founder of Gestalt therapy, Fritz Perls, developed a five-step scheme for saying goodbye to the departed person:
1 . Acceptance of the fact of loss. Many, being completely healthy adults, do not agree to admit that what happened really happened: that this person really died, that he really moved to live in another country, that the divorce really happened, that his job was lost, etc. . Thus, the psyche tries to protect itself from trauma. It is necessary to face the facts of loss and acknowledge them. Although this is scary, the result will bring relief, as grief that has been stuck in denial can finally continue its healing work.
2. Unfinished business. Unfinished business often gets in the way of letting go of a loss. Analyze what prevents you from saying goodbye to the departed. All these things can be completed in your imagination or played out in reality. Sometimes you need to talk seriously about something, express some feelings, go fishing with him or go to some special place.
3. Farewell ceremony . When all the unfinished business is completed, and you are ready to say goodbye for real, you can imagine or perform a farewell ceremony or ritual, the result of which should be a final recognition and farewell: “You are dead. Goodbye!" Let him go, allowing him to find peace and happiness in another life.
4. Mourning. After saying goodbye, try to cry all the tears you can. It is good and natural to cry, it helps the work of grief to heal your soul. If tears do not want to appear, try a paradoxical tactic, telling yourself that you will not allow the tears to flow, by doing everything in your power to prevent their appearance. Usually, holding back tears ends in soul-cleansing crying.
5. Greetings to today. After mourning, you can move on to a new life and today's affairs. Friends or members of a therapy group can help here. Here you will need distracting activities and conversations, rest, self-care, and, importantly, care for other people. You can even hold an imaginary ceremony to welcome the present day. Imagine a new day, so fresh and sunny, washed by the rain, and welcome it by opening your arms to it...
Difference between grief and depression
It's not always easy to differentiate grief from clinical depression as they share many symptoms, but there are ways to tell the difference. Remember that grief can be a rollercoaster ride. It includes a wide range of emotions and a mix of good and bad days. Even when you experience grief, you will all have moments of pleasure or happiness. With depression, the feeling of emptiness and despair is constant. Other symptoms that indicate depression, not just grief, include:
- Intense, pervasive feelings of guilt
- Suicidal thoughts or preoccupation with death
- Feelings of hopelessness or worthlessness
- Slow speech and body movements
- Inability to function normally at home, work or school
- The ability to see or hear something that is not there
Can Antidepressants Help Grief?
As a rule, ordinary grief does not require taking antidepressants. While medications can relieve some of the symptoms of grief, they cannot address the root cause, which is the loss itself. In addition, by easing the pain that needs to be overcome, antidepressants delay the process of grief and only delay the moment of healing.
When to Seek Professional Help for Grief
If you are experiencing symptoms of severe grief or clinical depression, see a psychiatrist right away. If left untreated, severe grief and depression can lead to significant emotional damage and life-threatening health problems. But treatment can help you get better. Contact a mental health professional if you:
- Feel like life isn't worth living
- Do you want to die with your loved one?
- Blame yourself for the loss or for not being able to prevent it
- Feeling empty and isolated from others for more than two to three weeks
- Find it difficult to trust others after a loss
- Unable to carry out your normal daily activities
If it may be difficult for you to cope with existing problems on your own, you can always seek professional psychological help.
Andrey Demkin
How to become a meek person
To acquire this virtue, you must want to achieve such a state with all your heart.
Practical tips:
- Using examples from the lives of saints, work on yourself, be vigilant every moment of your life. Stop making excuses, arguing and proving that you are right.
- Having decided to follow such a narrow path, it is necessary to reject the whole world, cut off all wealth and seemingly necessary things.
- Find a confessor showing the way.
- You must be prepared to endure all sorts of insults and accusations, even if they are vain and untrue. At the same time, maintaining silence is not only external, but also internal.
- Using the example of the holy fathers of the church to bless their detractors.
Being meek, aware of your sinfulness and insignificance, is not difficult. It is easy to remain silent and obey in the church, before God, but in the world, among ordinary people, it is more difficult. Due to the fact that everyone begins to consider themselves purer, higher and better than others.
A sense of self-importance causes an imaginary superiority over people; the believer begins to see and aggravate the sins of others, while not noticing his own, considering them insignificant. In order to avoid the temptation of vain reproaches and accusations of others for sins that they did not commit, but were only a figment of the imagination of the accuser
In order to avoid the temptation of vain reproaches and accusations of others for sins that they did not commit, but were only a figment of the imagination of the accuser.
How to cope with longing for the deceased
Longing for the deceased is accompanied by different feelings. They depend on how much they loved the person who fell into eternal sleep. Relatives begin to cry, feel sad, angry and worried. They will have to go through the funeral procedure, trying to cope with feelings of grief and sadness.
Losing loved ones is always difficult, especially if the death overtook a son or daughter. Burying your own child is a tragedy for parents. Their hearts are filled with great sorrow, which not everyone can cope with on their own. Recommendations from relatives, psychologists or priests help to release the deceased.
Advice from psychologists
People experience the grief of the death of loved ones in different ways. Some try to escape from reality by isolating themselves from society. Others throw themselves into work, trying to forget about the sad event. Sometimes they are unable to cope with grief on their own, so the natural state of sadness turns into a clinical pathology that requires the help of a psychologist. Experts advise during this period for the deceased:
- accept condolences without holding back your feelings;
- grieve, cry to relieve emotional stress;
- do not avoid society;
- do not refuse the support of friends and relatives;
- express feelings through creativity - painting, music, etc.;
- take care of your health, do not forget about regular nutrition, fresh air, healthy sleep.
Friends and relatives should support the grieving person and monitor his condition. The release of the deceased occurs gradually.
A person in mourning needs to go through all stages, but after a while return to the real world, live on for the sake of the people dear to him.
Help the Church
Believing parishioners are convinced that Guardian Angels accompany the soul during life and after death, protecting it in another world. The loss of a loved one, even if a grandmother or grandfather died in old age, is always a big blow for family members, regardless of the cause of death: a long-term illness and treatment in a hospital, the natural process of aging of the body, or a tragic accident when a person dies in an accident or under other circumstances . But relatives who are in grief need to pull themselves together and perform burial rites to take the deceased on his final journey.
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Sometimes the church helps get rid of longing for the deceased. Here people find peace, gradually accepting the passing of a loved one. The priests explain to family members what death is and how the soul passes on to another world. Being in grief, a person can constantly visit the grave of the deceased, keep his things, not change the situation in the house, without realizing what happened. This condition gradually destroys the personality, leading him to suicide.
The priests explain that death is a temporary separation. The soul has gone to God and is in peace and tranquility. The best way to help the deceased is prayer. But the living need the help of loved ones.
The clergy are convinced that mourning for the dead lasts for a year, after which the mourner gradually returns to life.
Experiencing grief
With the participation of the Vera Hospice Fund
It is difficult to come to terms with the loss of someone you loved deeply and dearly. It seems that melancholy, feelings of hopelessness and depression are insurmountable. Every person who has lost a loved one goes through a period of grief and mourning. This text is about how to survive grief and pain and learn to live after loss.
When death separates you from your loved ones, a person begins to think that no one has suffered as much as he suffers. However, misfortune knows no exceptions. But how we cope with grief is truly unique and personal.
Grief is a painful experience, but it is important to know and trust that the pain will subside. It takes different people different amounts of time for emotional wounds to heal.
A grieving person cannot always control his feelings. How do experiences usually proceed?
Shock and denial
- first reactions to loss. Disbelief in the reality of what is happening and something like emotional numbness accompany a person during this period. "This couldn't really happen!" - he most often says in this state.
Anger
at oneself and others for not being able to prevent the loss—another stage of worry. It is a protection against unbearable pain and awareness of the inevitability of what happened. “Why did this happen to me?” - the question arises. Sometimes anger can be directed at the one who died (“Who did you leave us with?”). When it is impossible to vent anger on the deceased, other “victims” are looked for. In grief, people tend to be critical of those around them who live as if nothing had happened.
Guilt
for what was done or not done to prevent the loss is a common accompaniment of grief. The endless chorus of “Oh, if only…” sounds in the human soul. Sometimes these reproaches are addressed to someone else: “If only the ambulance had arrived faster...”; “If I had been there, I would have helped...”... Sometimes the state of guilt is caused by the feeling of relief experienced after the death of a person who has suffered from a long illness. In such cases they sometimes say: “Well, I finally got over it.” And then the feeling of guilt for such words and such thoughts stirs the soul.
Depression,
a feeling of physical and mental devastation, an inability and unwillingness to perform even habitual and necessary tasks is also a common manifestation of grief. Grief paralyzes all the ordinary feelings characteristic of living people. “It’s as if everything is numb,” the man describes his condition. For those who have experienced personal tragedy, it seems that everything around has changed: food has lost its taste, the world has become hostile, nothing brings satisfaction. Tears come unexpectedly, sometimes without any reason. Depression is like a gloomy day when the clouds obscure the sun so much that it seems as if it no longer shines.
Loneliness and fear
from unexpectedly falling responsibility and possible changes in life are frequent companions of this difficult period. A person is frightened by both the problems ahead and the need to build new relationships.
Hope
appears when a person accepts his loss. Memories are less painful and you can focus on a future filled with hope.
One woman was helped to cope with the loss of her mother by the following words: “Do not resist grief. Patiently go through the entire sad path - step by step, without trying to deviate to the side. Drink the bitter cup to the dregs. Every day we experience burning pain, because we are surrounded by what is left behind by our loved ones - the clothes they wore; letters written by them; the books they read; the chairs they sat on; the music they loved; the streets they walked along. It’s sad and sad, it hurts - but what would we be without these memories? Maybe it’s better to break with the past quickly so that this pain will subside? No, truly loving hearts will say that even in sorrow they find new joy - a joy known only to those who suffer.”
The work of grief is a gradual process in which the suffering person strives to achieve mental healing. This requires a lot of effort - mental, physical, spiritual.
It is impossible to offer some patent recipes or three simple rules for overcoming personal grief. However, a person can help themselves through grief by paying proper attention to their emotional and physical needs.
To maintain emotional health, it is necessary to encourage outward expressions of grief.
We are blessed with tear glands for a reason, so there is nothing to be embarrassed about when they act. It is very bad that courage and tears are usually considered in our society as two opposites. Men should not see their tears as a sign of weakness. If someone is embarrassed to cry in public, then nothing will stop you from crying alone.
By holding back emotions in order to “hold on well” and show “strength of spirit,” a person can cause damage to his health, and it is far from harmless. Mourning for loved ones is an expression of love, not weakness.
Expressing grief does not indicate a lack of courage, but rather our humanity.
Sometimes it is important to talk about your feelings out loud
- this way you can get rid of anxiety and fear.
You should accept help from those who offer it or ask for help when you need it.
Relatives and friends want to help, but often do not know what to do until the person himself tells them what he needs.
It is important to know that keeping a diary, writing a book, drawing allows you to express all your experiences
with a degree of frankness that a person can hardly afford with his interlocutor. This is a kind of dialogue with yourself, and the only difference is that on paper it is more clearly formulated, and therefore meaningful.
It is important to remember that there are people around you who need you.
Caring and helping them allows them to return warmth to their hearts, switch to activity, return to active communication, and find new meaning and goals in life.
Another important point. People experiencing grief should remember to take care of their health.
It is necessary to rest, eat right, and exercise regularly. Be alert to symptoms such as headaches, nausea, dizziness, shaking, heartburn, heavy breathing, weight loss, insomnia, fatigue, etc., which may be related to stress. If they do not disappear, you should seek medical help. And in general, don't hesitate to seek professional help if you need it.
No matter how thick the darkness may seem, sooner or later glimmers of hope begin to appear in it.
The intervals between periods of unbearable grief and worry increase. At first it is an hour spent without painful memories, then several hours, then a day. First night of normal sleep. New taste of food. Slowly, almost imperceptibly, the return to life begins. The memories become tender and not as painful as before. The smile ceases to be forced, acquiring its naturalness.
The grief experienced by a person who has lost a loved one can last for a different time, but it will definitely end:
- the realization
that the past, no matter how bright and unforgettable it may be, remains forever in the past; - recognition
that life goes on and the present - today - requires focusing on it; - understanding
that there is a future ahead of you with its new and varied opportunities.
Grief is often called a “time of mourning,” but it is a normal process that ultimately brings healing from deep shock.
Help for terminally ill people - hotline of the Vera Foundation: 8-800-700-84-36 (24 hours a day and free of charge).
griefgriefdepressiondeathstresstragedy
What is it for?
People strive for inner peace and harmony with the world around them, because when peace and tranquility reign within, happiness comes. Selfish natures, always in conflict with the outside world, dream of peace and grace. And they are unaware that achieving such a state lies in meek behavior.
Anyone who decides to know God must adhere to this behavior; only then is he ready for true repentance and remission of sins. Manifestations of egoism do not allow correction, because apart from the ego, nothing is heard or accepted. Such a novice begins to argue, defending himself, finding excuses and proving his innocence.
A meek person will be able to unhinderedly unite with God and become blessed. He protects such people, and their reward is happiness and eternal bliss. Therefore, the holy elders indicate not to look for miracles, but to achieve meekness, which is the miracle of miracles.
What is the essence of humility?
What is humility? Spiritual leaders are asked this question all the time. They, in turn, give different understandings of this definition, but the essence is the same for all. Some argue that humility consists in the fact that a person immediately forgets about the good deeds he has done. In other words, he does not take credit for the result. Others say that a humble person considers himself the worst sinner. Some say that humility is the mental recognition of one's powerlessness. But these are far from complete definitions of the concept of “humility.” More accurately, we can say that this is a grace-filled state of soul, a real gift from the Lord. Some sources speak of humility as the Divine robe in which the human soul is clothed. Humility is the mysterious power of grace. There is another definition of humility, which says that it is a joyful, but at the same time sad self-abasement of the soul before the Lord and other people. It is expressed by inner prayer and contemplation of one’s sins, complete submission to the Lord and diligent service to other people.
Humility in life gives a person joy, happiness and confidence in Divine support.
How Scripture Teaches Humility (Based on Bible Stories)
The Holy Scripture contains many examples of the humility of the Lord Jesus Christ, the holy apostles and elders. Their life, filled with constant resistance to the temptations of the devil, is the standard of this virtue.
The most striking lesson from the Savior was the washing of the feet of the apostles
By washing their feet, He expressed his incomparable love for humanity in that He wanted to convey to people the importance of humility in achieving the Kingdom of God. By this action, despite the fact that God the Father gave Him all Power, He showed by His own example what humility should be
Washing feet was considered the duty of a servant.
While doing this, He did not even turn away from Judas, knowing about his betrayal. He wanted to bring him to repentance and thereby save him. Confirming with this His instructions to love your enemies and do good to those who hate.
Every person who does not have humility in his heart considers his position in society to be superior to others. He will always look for an honorable and comfortable place closer to those in power.
One day Jesus, being invited to a banquet and seeing that everyone was trying to take the most honorable place, said that it was not worth taking the place of honor. After all, the owner can invite a more honored guest, and when he shows you a lower place in order to give up the best to this guest, then the one who took the wrong place will feel awkward. And vice versa, if you take the worst place, then the owner, considering you a more worthy guest, will indicate a more honorable place, showing honor in the presence of everyone.
The next teaching of Jesus is addressed to those who always praise themselves and despise others. This parable is about a publican and a Pharisee.
The Pharisee in prayer thanked God that he was better than others - not a thief, not a swindler, not like the tax collector standing next to him. He remembered that he fulfilled all the instructions and commandments. At that time, the publican stood in the distance, beating his chest and praying to God for mercy on himself, a sinner. Jesus ended by saying that it was the publican who received forgiveness, not the Pharisee.
Humility requires enormous spiritual strength from a person. Only giants of the spirit can reach the heights of this mystery.
No. 24 (681) / June 18 '12
Interviewed by Alexander Sergienko Conversations with the priest
Conversation with the rector of the Church of the Tikhvin Icon of the Mother of God in the village of Vypukovo, Sergiev Posad deanery of the Moscow diocese, priest Maxim Kaskun, on the air of the Soyuz TV channel
- The topic of today's conversation is patience with sorrows.
Useful fruits
- Father, what is grief?
– Grief is something that causes us anxiety and disrupts peace and tranquility.
– What kind of sorrows are there?
– Sorrows are divided into mental and physical. The spiritual ones include sorrows associated with sins and spiritual experiences, and the sorrows of the flesh include painful effects and various diseases. It also happens that the soul hurts so much that the body becomes exhausted and grieves along with the soul. There are everyday sorrows, family sorrows, professional sorrows.
– But first of all, about the reasons.
– There are many reasons for sorrow. It is important that a person comes out a little from the state of satiety, peace and comfort, the state of stability. All this leads a person to relaxation, that is, to spiritual degradation. And therefore, when grief comes, it begins to cheer up a person, makes him pay attention to internal things: maybe he is doing something wrong, and his conscience begins to convict. And the person begins to think where he was wrong, what sinful things he did. Therefore, the primary reason for the appearance of sorrows is awakening to spiritual life. And secondly, as the Apostle Peter says, those who suffer in the flesh cease to sin. A person, being in suffering, is not only incapable of sin, but thinks less about sin. Let's say a person of good health happily goes fornication, and nothing stops him until he gets sick. If a person begins to be in weakness from sorrow, then he becomes softer towards others, and, accordingly, less susceptible to sin.
– Is grief good or bad?
- Grief is good. Every coin has two sides. The holy fathers not only asked for sorrow in itself, but thanked God for it and asked that the Lord not take away these sorrows. If there were no sorrows, they prayed and repented before God - they believed that if there were no sorrows, then the Lord had forgotten them. As Saint Ignatius (Brianchaninov) says: if a person grieves, it means that he bears the seal of God’s chosenness. And the situation is such that life should go like this: as soon as external sorrows are over, at work or with someone else, family sorrows begin, family troubles have just ended, some internal sorrows and problems begin. And, accordingly, a person, being constantly in a state of grief, awakens to prayer, to repentance, and, of course, this is good. But sorrow itself is like death for a person who loves peace, and that is why we all avoid sorrow today.
– That is, we can say that sorrow is useful: in it a person becomes more active in his spiritual life. But besides the benefits, is there anything else?
– As for the benefit, it is generally diverse; a grieving person can give alms and forgive a person; being without sorrows, he may not do this. Therefore, grief certainly brings benefit to a person, but only if the person endures it all with thanksgiving to God. As the holy fathers say, if you simply endure and do not thank God, do not participate in this sorrow, as the Monk Ambrose of Optina says, then sorrow does not bear fruit, and a person who can strengthen himself and thank God turns into a complainer, and this brings the opposite Effect. But if a person approaches grief correctly, he certainly receives benefit, which is primarily expressed, as we have already said, both in spiritual awakening and in inner insight, a mood for repentance, for humility - a grieving person is not arrogant, he is contrite , a little depressed. And this state helps a person, if not avoid it, then somehow moderate his passions, so as not to commit any particular gross sin.
– A person also becomes sympathetic and empathetic.
- Yes, he is softening with grief. The Monk Isaac the Syrian said that sorrow is the path to God, that is, it is impossible to come to God without sorrow. If we look at everyone who comes to church, 90%, and maybe more, are those who came because of sorrows - the loss of neighbors, sorrows at work, despondency (very often, it happens, despondency oppresses people so much, that they come to the temple out of necessity).
– And if, as you said, a person becomes a murmurer, a kind of hatred begins not only for his own life, but also for everything around him?
– Yes, and to God too, and this is called the path to Satan. And today we see many examples where people, having become embittered not only at others, but also at God, actually become incapable of good: they are all to blame for everything. The only one they are ready to justify is Satan, like a poor fallen spirit who wanted freedom from God, but did not receive it and was punished for it. This is how it all happens.
We must be able to be grateful for everything
– We have a call – Nizhny Novgorod region is in touch.
- Father, my son is a mentally ill person, he sometimes blasphemes, but in general he is kind. How will the Lord accept such people who are sick?
– As for mentally ill people, this sin, of course, is not charged to them, because people with a sick psyche cannot control their emotions. And therefore, when grief comes over them, an attack of illness or something else, they begin to say the wrong thing, out of weakness, and sometimes pronounce curses, including on those who care for them.
When such things happen to your son, you must, of course, pray and try to help him at this moment, to somehow support him. This cross is very heavy, working with sick people is very difficult, and may the Lord help you overcome all this and maintain a good heart.
– We are listening to a call from Perm.
- Father, I have been grieving for many years now that my unrequited love does not go away, it torments me very much, what can I do?
– I can say that this sorrow comes from an incorrect spiritual dispensation. No matter how sad it may sound for many women, a woman should not love when she gets married and should not seek reciprocal love.
Because the Lord, and the Apostle Paul speaks about this, set out the spiritual law on the basis of which a family is created. A family is created on the basis of two things. The first is the love of a man for a woman, and the second is the respect of a woman for a man. The most important thing in a relationship between a man and a woman is this. If this is present at the beginning, then the marriage will be successful. And in your case, you must pray that the Lord would send you a man whom you could respect, and through this respect you would awaken the true love for him that the holy women had.
Reverent, respectful love is the foundation of marriage. In such a marriage, women do not make scandals, do not throw hysterics, everything is more stable there. And even if there are some difficulties, everything goes smoother, because in this case the woman is afraid of offending her husband. But these feelings of yours are most likely false, and it is better to move away from them.
– The next call is from Barnaul.
– Father said that grieving people are God’s chosen ones. So, are widows the chosen people? Of course, I consider myself one of those who are more of a murmurer, but having lost your husband, you are, as it were, deprived of your master’s life, and I think that no one agrees to be the chosen one in this way.
– I want to say that sorrow is sent to everyone in due time, according to need, and the Lord knows best who, how and with what sorrows to admonish, and widowhood is God’s chosenness. The Lord always says in the Holy Scriptures: “Do not offend the widow and the orphan” - these are the two statuses about which the Lord has such serious concern. Therefore, bear the cross that the Lord gave you, endure, thank God, repent of your sins, remember that what you do with dignity is acceptable. And when we feel ourselves not only worthy of the fact that the Lord, by His mercy, sends us such light sorrows (for our sins we should have sent more), accordingly, our heart will be cleansed, softened, humbled, and we will feel warmth in our hearts to God, joy, love, and we will thank Him even more.
The Lord does not send beyond his strength
– The next question is asked by Kirill, the city of Dneprorudny, Ukraine: “They say that grief is never above a person’s strength, but why does it always seem the other way around?”
– The Holy Scriptures say in many places: Lord, do not give sorrow to the righteous, so that he does not sin, that is, protect him. The Lord sends those sorrows that a person can endure. There are different sorrows, but it’s hard for all of us, it’s never easy for anyone in this life, and even if it seems to us that some person lived his life peacefully and happily, then we don’t know his spiritual world at all - how he lives and what’s wrong with him is happening. Therefore, the statement that the Lord does not send temptations beyond one’s strength is the subject of our faith, through which we then gain experience and truly know that God does not send temptations beyond the measure.
– The next question is from Tatyana from Kogalym, Tyumen region: “Why is it easier to bear what happens to you than if something happens to children or neighbors?”
– As for the children or loved ones you love, then, of course, you feel their sorrows very seriously. Here, on the one hand, there is care, and on the other hand, perhaps hidden selfishness, some kind of pride tells us that we are ready to suffer punishment from the Lord, just not to see the suffering of our loved ones. In fact, there is no need to think like this, but we need to ask God for wisdom so that we perceive the sorrows and suffering that happen to our neighbors precisely with the Providence of God, so that this will later bring unconditional benefit.
– We have a call – Belgorod region is in touch.
– Father Maxim, you told about grief. But there is an expression that the Lord sends rain on both the righteous and sinners. The mass of people live and do not experience sorrows, happily, and do not particularly strain themselves about faith, and everything is fine with them - explain how it all fits together.
– All this can be explained very simply. We just don't know their inner lives. There was such a series “The Rich Also Cry” - I would add: even as they cry, there is enough sorrow everywhere. But it happens that a person really seems to be at peace, and nothing touches him - he is well-fed, and dressed, and with shoes, and with a lot of money. In this case, one must think in such a way that the Lord will reward him in this life for the good that he does. Because not a single person in life was without good, each of us still did some kind of good deed. And therefore the Lord, foreseeing his eternal condemnation, tries to reward him in this life with a small good, at least temporary, for the good that he has done. This is the only way to understand it.
– Lyudmila from Tambov asks: “How to endure sorrow from a neighbor, a husband? Sometimes it’s difficult to understand why a loved one betrays and cheats, because we are one flesh.”
– Family sorrows are the most difficult that a person perceives in the horizontal of this world. Because husband and wife are people who are open to each other and who, at home, due to spiritual relaxation, can cause irreparable harm to each other. And when we receive sorrows from our neighbors, they penetrate to the depths of our souls. But in fact, this is where we need to become more active and understand that the Lord gave us our neighbors not so that we could simply love and cherish them, but learn this love even when we experience grief from them.
The issue of treason is, of course, complex, because treason is a grave sin. Only this sin in the Holy Scripture became the basis for divorce, because it destroys a marriage. And all other sins, not without the help of each other, must be endured, pray for correction and try to somehow smooth out all the rough edges.
– How to deal with financial sorrows when the family doesn’t even have money for food? Where is Providence here?
– You need to treat this normally: today something is not there, but tomorrow it will be. You just need to work, try, and not sit still. The Lord takes care of what we eat, what we drink, what we wear. And if this is not yet the case, then the Lord is testing us, and if we do not break down and endure all this with thanksgiving to the Lord, we will then receive positive results. But we have to work.
– When can these fruits from sorrows come to us, and does it happen that they are not there?
– The fruits of sorrows include such virtues as patience, through which all fruits appear. Because patience gives birth to hope, experience, wisdom, a person acquires humility, meekness, a quiet disposition, prayerfulness, compliance and a number of other virtues that help him in the future to cope not only with sorrows, but also with various other difficult life situations.
– The next question is from Tatyana from Belgorod: “Judging by the situation, since 2013 all Russians will have to make a choice: whether or not to take an electronic passport, a trap of the Antichrist. Will the sorrow of the people who refused his seal be pleasing to God?
– Nobody said that in 2013 there will be a seal of the Antichrist. I think that His Holiness the Patriarch and the Holy Synod will warn us about this in advance. There are indeed harbingers of these phenomena, because by 2025 the entire country will have to switch to electronic cards. All this exists, and the state is trying to interfere in the personal lives of citizens, to control everything, they are trying to do this under a plausible pretext: terrorism, robbers, robbers. And then it will all end in a banal and simple way: totalitarianism, complete control over the individual, and when the Antichrist unites all this under himself, then all this will happen.
As for new passports, I can’t say anything about that; As for the TIN, I can say that this is not the seal of the Antichrist. And all the sorrows of believers will be pleasing to God, the sorrow will be great. It is even said that if the Lord does not shorten those days of tribulation, then in general no flesh will be saved and not a single monument will stand. Therefore, the days of tribulation will be shortened so that a believer can endure them.
– There is a call – Yekaterinburg is in touch, we are listening to your question.
– Father said that the Lord sends sorrows according to a person’s strength, but then where do suicides come from? So, someone didn’t calculate the amount of grief?
– The question is not that someone there did not calculate, but that someone here did not calculate - namely, flirting with the demons of sadness and despair through despondency. Statistics show that people often take their own lives over trifles. The reason suicides are not buried in the Church is that they are really incapable of spiritual life, they were unable to cope with the situation and voluntarily abandoned the gift that the Lord gave them.
– Volokolamsk is in touch.
– I would like to know whether grief for domestic animals pleases God, is it possible to read the Psalter for dead animals, and will the souls of animals inherit the Kingdom of God?
– As for grief for animals, the Monk Silouan of Athos said that we should not even talk to animals when they live, because they do not have the image of God. And we, unfortunately, do this, and, accordingly, we become attached to unreasonable, non-personal beings. And when they leave us, we begin to grieve, but such sorrow is not pleasing to God. We should not say any prayer for animals, because they have no personality, no image of God.
And as for inheriting the Kingdom of Heaven, perhaps the entire created world will inherit the Kingdom of Heaven, and at the resurrection of the dead, all animals will also rise and reign, because God’s creation is indestructible.
– We have a call from Syria, Damascus is on the line.
“We have a lot of grief now – our children were killed.” How can we pray for them?
– The sorrow is great, so you need to pray for peace day and night, so that the prayer is fervent, pray to God for the sins that the children had, so that the Lord will grant them the Kingdom of Heaven. Because, as the holy fathers say, the Lord accepts a contrite heart, and this state of ours, when the heart grieves before God, is the most effective.
How can one endure grief?
– Grief must be endured with complacency. Compassion is a virtue that today is not given immediately. Any sorrow suppresses a person, fills the soul with confusion, doubt, burdens and burdens. But complacency, when a person tunes his soul to good thoughts and patiently thanks the Lord, accordingly forgives offenders, prays for those who cause him sorrow, brings him invaluable fruits, and these sorrows begin to bring a person great spiritual joys and advancement in spiritual life .
– Tribulation and the last times...
– As Saint Ignatius (Brianchaninov) said, sorrow and the last times are inseparable friends, so this is a feat of the last times. We must understand that we must arm ourselves with the philosophy of patience with these sorrows and through sorrows acquire spiritual benefits for ourselves. The holy fathers also spoke about this in ancient times, that over time, people’s asceticism in general will weaken, but such sorrows will be tolerated, thanks to which people will be ahead of us in the Kingdom of Heaven.
– What should we pay attention to first when grief strikes us?
– When grief comes, you should under no circumstances be upset, you should immediately turn to humility, thank God in prayer and strengthen your soul with complacency. And sorrow will simply move away from us, strengthening and tempering us in spiritual life.
Watch the program “Conversations with Father” on the Orthodox TV channel “Soyuz”: Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday – 13.00 (recorded), 22.00 (live). Yekaterinburg time (+ 2 hours to Moscow). Live phone number: (495) 781-49-54
In other rooms:
External signs of humility
- A truly humble person has no interest in various worldly comforts and entertainments.
- He strives to quickly get away from the noisy, bustling place.
- A humble person is not interested in going to places with large crowds of people, meetings, rallies, concerts and other public events.
- Solitude and silence are the main signs of humility. Such a person never gets into disputes and conflicts, does not say unnecessary words and does not engage in meaningless conversations.
- Does not have external wealth or much property.
- True humility is manifested in the fact that a person never talks about it or flaunts his position. He hides his wisdom from the whole world.
- Simple speech, high thinking.
- He does not notice the shortcomings of other people, but always sees the merits of everyone.
- He is not inclined to listen to what his soul does not want.
- Resignedly endures insults and humiliation.
A humble person does not compare himself to anyone, but considers everyone better than himself.
How does grief help you work on yourself?
na yavad etan mana atma-lingam samsara-tapavapanam janasya yachuas chhoka-mohamaya-raga-lobha-vairanubandham manatam vidhatte
“So the false self of the conditioned soul—his mind—is the cause of all his misfortunes in the material world. Until the soul understands this, it will have to continue to wander around the universe and suffer, receiving more and more new material bodies. Diseases, sorrow, illusion, attachment, greed, enmity are rooted in the mind and because of this the soul languishes in the captivity of matter and mistakenly considers itself part of this world.” Srimad-Bhagavatam , 5.11.16
Grief can help us work on ourselves, and it can also help others in times of crisis. The more we understand this issue, the more comfort we can bring to others. It will also help us in family and social life and increase our ability to resist the negative influences bombarding the planet.
Oddly enough, people engaged in spiritual practice, spiritualists, often experience deeper states of grief than materialists. Why do those who have a higher understanding of life grieve more than materialists or atheists? This is because spiritualists often view grief as something bad, something that only makes the situation in which they find themselves more difficult. Therefore, they regret not only the injury or loss, but also their low level of consciousness. Sometimes a person is unable to follow his vows; therefore, he grieves not only because of the tragedy that befell him, but also because of the low level of his consciousness and behavior. Spiritualists may experience more anxiety because they have knowledge but may not always act on it.
For example, a very knowledgeable lawyer can know all the laws and master the art of presentation, but still lose the case. Such a lawyer will suffer much more than a newbie who loses a case because, despite all his knowledge and efforts, he was unable to achieve the desired result. A beginner may lose the process due to his own mistake or lack of knowledge, and therefore will try to learn from this so as not to repeat the same mistake in the future. He will suffer less than an experienced lawyer who has all the necessary knowledge and skills, but failed to use them. Likewise, a spiritualist may experience deeper depression due to the complexity of the situation in the material world. The practice of spiritual life in a material atmosphere is complicated by many contradictions, so people involved in this practice need to be more careful about the events that occur in their lives, families and communities.
To study this problem in detail, we will divide it into 5 sections. First, we will look at the underlying causes of grief. We will then explore the different stages that a grieving person goes through. The third step is to look at the various signs that accompany grief. The fourth is an attempt to understand why some people seek to avoid grief. Finally, we will move on to find ways to solve this problem, which may require different approaches, mindsets and therapeutic methods.
Causes of grief
Due to the availability of information in recent years, people have more reasons to mourn as they hear about disasters and disasters around the world. Every individual or family can immediately transfer these problems into their home through television, radio, internet, etc. The growth of illusions also increases grief. Modern advertising bombards people with so much false propaganda that it becomes difficult for them to deal with the harsh realities of life. Finding no place for these illusions in the surrounding reality, people become confused. For example, they are worried about problems in the employment market. There is enormous job insecurity, even among people who are dedicated to their professions and have advanced degrees. They experience great anxiety and sadness when their seemingly stable organizations fall apart. Naturally, divorce and especially death inevitably give rise to grief. Another type of grief occurs when a person sets out on the spiritual path with determination. He may consciously or unconsciously regret the loss of friendships and social connections.
In a sense, all grief is a manifestation of death, as it is associated with loss, confusion and disappointment. The cause of grief may be the death of a friend or the “death” of a job. Divorce is the death of a relationship. Sometimes we have to come to terms with the death of certain ideas that made us feel comfortable and secure. Many even mourn the loss of youth and beauty. People lament that their thinking abilities are gradually deteriorating. All these changes create sadness and depression, and constant depression can develop into acute or even chronic depression.
The scriptures also tell us that there are innumerable causes of suffering and disappointment. The purport to Srimad-Bhagavatam (3.28.32) describes how the suffering of the material world leads to great disappointment: “The entire universe is a vale of sorrow and suffering. The inhabitants of the material world continuously shed streams of tears, which merge into the great ocean. But for those who fall at the lotus feet of the Personality of Godhead, the ocean of tears immediately dries up. All they have to do is see the captivating smile of the Supreme Lord. In other words, seeing the captivating smile of the Lord, a person instantly gets rid of the sorrows that accompany material existence.”
Yet, despite the sufferings and disappointments that give rise to grief and fear, if we can take shelter of the amazing love and beauty of the Lord, we will not be so affected by the dualities of the material world.
In the second chapter of the Bhagavad-gita, Arjuna became so confused that he literally began to cry. The fratricidal war in which he had to fight became the source of his grief. When Krishna took the chariot to the battlefield, Arjuna saw there great devotees like Bhismadeva and Dronacharya, his teachers and mentors. But because he was a ksatriya, a warrior, he had to fight. He had a terrible test - to fight in mortal combat with his teachers. No outcome of the battle seems favorable to Arjuna. If he wins by killing his family members, it will not bring him any happiness. On the other hand, if he shied away from battle and began to live on alms, this would only lead to dishonor. He would rather lose the kingdom of heaven and material wealth than live in grief, suffering the consequences of war. Therefore Arjuna says in Bhagavad-gita (2.8):
na hi prapashyami mamapanudyad yac chhokam ucchosanam indriyanam avapya bhumav asapatnam riddham rajyam suranam api chadhipatyam
“I don’t know how to cope with the grief that deafens me. I will not be able to get rid of it, even if I conquer a flourishing kingdom, which will not be threatened by any enemies, and gain the power that the inhabitants of heaven possess.”
So, overwhelmed with grief, Arjuna finds no way out. In his state of confusion, he does not understand how war with members of his own family can be ethical or moral. The whole Bhagavad-gita begins with this dilemma. Arjuna does not know what to do, because any outcome of the battle is unacceptable to him. A few verses later the Lord will tell Arjuna:
asocyan anvasocas tvam pragya-vadamsh ca bhasase gatasun agatasumsh ca nanushochanti panditah
“When you pronounce learned speeches, you lament what is not worthy of grief. True wise men grieve neither for the dead nor for the living.” Bhagavad-gita , 2.11
Even a person with spiritual knowledge and mature intelligence faces many dilemmas. We will always face problems, but a wise person does not worry about them. In this verse, Krishna is essentially asking Arjuna, “Are you really intelligent?” Although Arjuna speaks beautiful and profound words, they do not indicate true wisdom. Since this kind of sorrow falls into the category of ignorance, Krishna reminds him of true knowledge. The Lord explains that one who has the highest knowledge does not grieve, because this knowledge helps a person understand why certain events happen in life and how to react to them.
The commentary to Srimad-Bhagavatam (4.26.1-3) talks about another reason for grief.
“A living being can only be in one place. It falls into slavery for two reasons, which are grief and illusion. In the material world, the living entity is always craving for that which he can never obtain. Therefore it is in illusion. This, in turn, leads to the fact that a living being is constantly grieving for something. That is why sorrow and illusion are called in this verse dvi-kubara, the two poles on which the bonds of a living being are held.”
Developing Empathy
People are often unable to reach deeper levels of consciousness and learn to understand others until they themselves experience pain, grief, or trauma. It is through such experiences that a person's life can become richer if he successfully goes through them. In many cases, it turns out that the only way to cope with pain is to go through it. We need to recognize it in ourselves, name it, face it, experience it, and get rid of it. As with anger, we must recognize the problem and articulate it clearly before we begin to solve it. The same approach is applied when resolving conflicts. If we do not recognize the problem, it will go into the subconscious and appear later. To get rid of it, you need to face it face to face. It is very rewarding to go through all these stages and come out the other side a new person, enriched with deeper experience and a sense of compassion. Such a person is more able to help those who are stuck at one of the initial stages.
Signs of Grief
When grieving, people exhibit a variety of emotions and symptoms. They may feel extremely frustrated, angry, sad, physically tired and exhausted, and reluctant to interact with others. The variety of responses to grief is truly limitless—it affects each person differently. Grief creates a feeling of distance from God.
When we grieve, we often feel like God has treated us unfairly. We cannot understand why Krishna allowed this to happen to us: “Why to me when there are millions of other people in the world? Why did my child (or spouse) die? Why did I lose my job and not someone else?” We take these questions to God because He is ultimately in control. We are perplexed how a merciful and kind God could allow such a terrible thing to happen. Unfortunately, some people simply become atheists. At the same time, trouble or trauma can, on the contrary, also bring a person closer to God and encourage him to think more deeply about his spiritual nature. And yet, more often than not, seemingly unfavorable events cause a person to doubt the justice of God.
Feeling hopeless is another sign of grief. Everyone has had small periods of disappointment and hopelessness, but for some these periods do not end, but continue to torment the person from year to year. In such cases, people often lose all desire for any kind of communication. Moreover, under the influence of grief, it becomes increasingly difficult for a person to get out of this state, since grief gives rise to a state that is diametrically opposed to what helps to overcome such difficulties. For example, if someone doubts God or His mercy, he needs to turn to the Lord Himself. However, someone in a state of intense grief does the exact opposite and thus only aggravates the situation. A person who is socially averse may be the person who most needs good communication to overcome their suffering. It can help him to communicate with those who will support him and give him the opportunity to cry and share his problems. This can bring a person out of a state of melancholy, but he often seeks to escape from communication.
Grief drains our zeal and enthusiasm. In this case, we need a goal or project that will inspire us to take the next step. Unfortunately, we usually avoid the very things that can really help us and continue to wallow in grief. In this state, a person feels emotionally and physically drained.
Grief causes a person to begin to feel fear and self-pity; he lives in the past and fears the future. But in order to get off the ground, he just needs to accept the future and respect it. People often experience anger or feelings of loneliness. They may begin to neglect hygiene, suffer from insomnia and loss of appetite.
One day I witnessed my own reaction to a stupid and unfortunate mistake by my secretary. When he tried to fax my plane ticket to the travel agent, the machine simply tore the ticket in half. At first I felt angry because it had to do with Krishna's money and also the time it would take to solve the problem. I could not understand why my secretary could not properly complete such a simple task by paying more attention to his ministry. Later, when I thought about it, I realized that the anger was caused by ordinary regret and was actually a way of coping with this feeling. I became disheartened as I watched the five-hundred-dollar ticket to England cease to exist. Now I have to deal with the issue of issuing a ticket again. If I had sent the fax myself, I would have immediately become despondent without being angry, but since my secretary was sending the fax, I felt angry. If I had torn the ticket, then the responsibility for it would have lay with me. Later I would even begin to think about how the mistake could have been avoided. We react to a situation differently, depending on the influence of various factors. Whenever something happens in our community, family, or ourselves, we react differently. To delve deeper into the issue of grief, we will have to leave our comfort zone and consider the needs of other people. Our goal is to find the best solution that can bring true comfort.
Why do people avoid grief?
When people lack some healthy grief, they can become physically or mentally ill. Many problems can arise. If a person does not know how to deal with grief, it will continue to haunt him again and again. She won't just leave. It can appear when a person least expects it, and in this case it will be much more difficult to cope with. It is better to recognize it, face it, experience it and get rid of it if you want to truly be free from grief and gain valuable experience.
Some people say they don't want to go through this process to avoid suffering. In some cultures, people who cry or show too much emotion are considered weak-willed. Grief is often limited by cultural norms and traditions. People want to look strong and are afraid to show emotions. It also happens that a person believes that if he simply forgets about the tragic event, the pain will go away by itself. Besides, people simply don’t want to draw attention to themselves. They believe that if they express their grief openly, it will draw too much attention to them. However, there is a certain danger in this, since they miss the opportunity to relieve their pain and gain experience by sharing their experiences with others.
The lifestyle of modern people does not allow time for the experience of healthy grief. If a person has a job and a family, then all the time is spent on work and children. When they come home in the evening and watch the news, they are bombarded with new tragedies and are simply unable to find time for anything else. Some people simply would not survive if they paid attention to grief, because it comes at them from all sides. And because they want to maintain balance and some sense of stability, they think that they can avoid problems simply by not delving into them too deeply. Some people understand that it is due to pride and an inability to accept that you are in pain. They would not want others to notice their despondency and consider them weak.
There are also people who simply lack compassion or simply a sympathetic interest in the lives of others. Some people simply don’t care about anything due to the superficiality of their lives and therefore seemingly painful situations do not affect their psyche. They simply do not have the para-duhkha-duhkha-kripam-buddhi state, in which a person feels both the pain and the joy of other people. They feel no connection with others, so they have no reason to mourn. They either don't relate to the problem or don't want to experience pain. Such people inevitably have various problems and even illnesses, since emotions must have some kind of outlet.
Most devotees do not consider grief a part of spiritual life. Even Krishna tells Arjuna in the Bhagavad-gita that the wise do not grieve for the living or the dead. Therefore devotees avoid grief because they want to function on the highest level of God consciousness. Some devotees believe that one who is Krsna conscious should not grieve because we are not bodies. The scriptures recommend cultivating renunciation, and grief seems to indicate attachment. Therefore, a person prefers to suffer, as they say, to himself, denying the problem and not thinking that later it may manifest itself in an even more unfavorable way. It happens that the rejection of reality, shock or anger overwhelms us so much that the unwillingness to deal with the problem becomes part of the rejection of reality. The mind may try to ignore the problem, but as a result we simply suppress our feelings, constantly being in confusion. Later it will still affect our character and behavior.
Yet certain scriptural statements seem to indicate that grief is undesirable:
sanjaya uvaca tam tatha kripaya istam asru-purnakuleksanam visidantam idam vakyam uvaca maadhusudanah
Sanjaya said, “Seeing Arjuna overcome with compassion and sorrow and his eyes full of tears, Madhusudana, Krishna, spoke these words.” Bhagavad Gita , 2.1
In his commentary, Srila Prabhupada writes: “Worldly compassion, sorrow and tears reveal a person who has forgotten his true, spiritual nature. One who is aware of his spiritual nature shows compassion for the eternal soul. The word “Madhusudana” is significant in this verse. Lord Krishna once killed the demon Madhu, and now Arjuna wants Krishna to destroy the demon of doubt, which has taken possession of Arjuna and is preventing him from fulfilling his duty. People don't know where to direct their compassion. What is the point of sympathizing with the clothes of a drowning man? A person drowning in the ocean of nescience cannot be saved by trying to pull out his clothes, that is, by saving his material body. One who does not know about this and mourns for clothes is called a “sudra” - a person who mourns in vain.” (Bhagavad-gita, 2.1, commentary).
When devotees hear this verse, they may think that all sorrow means bodily concepts of life. However, this verse does not indicate that all types of sorrow should be classified as maya, illusion.
Question answer
Question: We know that some devotees develop suicidal tendencies due to loss and grief. In this song, Narottam Das Thakur expresses his desire to end his life. How can we learn to differentiate between these two types of grief? Answer: As Srila Prabhupada says in his purport, Narottam dasa Thakur is not really mourning; rather, he shows us what to do with despair. You need to regret your weaknesses, but you need to use these feelings in order to get out of the impasse. A person should think: “Why am I living? Why should I continue to live with all these weaknesses? But these emotions must be used in order to change. If you allow suicidal tendencies to persist, you can become mired in anger and guilt. You should not think that the problem will solve itself; if we don’t pay enough attention to it, it will go into the subconscious and later will haunt us again. It is also unfavorable, having recognized a problem, to allow it to have a negative impact on us and aggravate the situation. It is best to recognize a problem and use it to work on yourself. People usually become suicidal when they turn their anger inward. Depression can be thought of as anger towards oneself. This anger is caused by disappointment and some aspect of death - physical death or the death of something important in a person's life (loss of job or prestige).
However, we need to understand that failure does not mean complete collapse. Even if a person has a certain problem, this does not yet characterize the essence of the person.
Question: Having recently learned of the passing of one of my spiritual guides, I feel like I have gone through all these stages. At some point I realized that I was grieving not only for him, but also for his students. Three days later, I came to terms with this grief and, reflecting on my situation, began to think of you as my spiritual mentor. What if this happened to you?
This morning I realized that if death comes to me unexpectedly, I am not sure that I will be able to remember Krishna. Then I read on the Internet several verses from the eighth chapter of the Bhagavad Gita, which talk about how a yogi should leave the body. But one who is fully God conscious does not need to worry about this. I don't feel that I have reached a high enough level of Krishna consciousness. However, if you are 75 years old, death can really come at any moment, and I don't feel like I'm prepared for that. I have been pondering these questions for the past few days, but I still cannot understand where I stand after so many years of spiritual practice. Still, I feel like I'm changing. I want to maintain this strength no matter what may happen to you or other devotees, but I feel like I still have a long way to go. Could you help me with this internal struggle?
Answer: At your age, it is natural to look more realistically at body change, not just as a theory. We see that the Lord makes a number of promises. In Bhagavad-gita (18.66) Krishna tells us not to worry, hesitate or be afraid:
sarva-dharman parityajya mam ekam saranam vraja aham tvam sarva-papebhyo moksayisyami ma sucah.
“Give up all kinds of religious duties and simply surrender to Me. I will deliver you from all the consequences of your sins. Don't be afraid of anything."
In Bhagavad-gita the Lord talks a lot about different types of knowledge and different forms of dharma or religion, but at the end He tells us that we should give up all types of religion. The point is that He doesn't want us to just give up religion; He wants us to go deep into the essence.
The Supreme Lord says in Bhagavad-gita (4.11):
ye yatha mam prapadyante tome tathaiva bajamy aham mama vartmanuvartante manushyah partha sarvasah
“As a person surrenders to Me, so I reward him. Everyone follows My path in everything, O son of Pritha.”
The Lord emphasizes that He responds to His devotees according to their devotion. They don't need to feel fear or worry. The chapter of Bhagavad-gita that you mentioned, especially verses 23 and 24, describes in detail the time when yogis leave the body. For a yogi, all these details are very important, but for a devotee it is not so important, because Krishna promises him His protection. As much as we surrender, Krishna, who is in our heart, gives us access to sadhus, sastras and gurus. Mainly He helps us through the guru.
At the moment of death, the relationship between guru and disciple is most significant. The disciple's devotion and service motivates the guru to help him at this time. For example, a young businessman may be trying to achieve success in the business world without having much capital. Thanks to these efforts, he may come to the attention of a rich person who decides to help him. This rich man acts as a sponsor or advocate. Similarly, a devotee can achieve the highest goal even without reaching the stage of perfect purity. For example, some disciples of exalted teachers, even without being completely pure, leave the body and go back to the spiritual world due to their devotion and seriousness. The spiritual master takes such a disciple and returns him home. By his grace, a first-class spiritual guide will fill the missing resources. The spiritual master is like a rich man who gives the necessary money or legal support - he helps his devoted disciple to achieve complete perfection.
In other words, we need to realize the importance of connecting with the parampara, the authoritative chain of pure and powerful spiritual guides. Moreover, as spiritual masters, we must develop spiritual strength to be able to perform service at all levels. However, if a devotee follows the instructions of the scriptures, associates with devotees, and serves the guru with devotion, then even if the guru is not powerful or pure enough to take the disciple back to the spiritual world, Krsna Himself will do so. Or His mercy will manifest itself through the spiritual master, who will simply come and take the disciple to the spiritual world. Sometimes it happens that the disciple returns the guru to the spiritual world. A disciple can achieve such purity that he returns to the spiritual world before the guru and takes the guru with him. And Krishna will certainly give shelter to such a devotee.
This reveals the beauty and dynamism of the relationship between guru and disciple. We know that one of the ways to return to the spiritual world is through the blessings of a pure devotee. The importance of the association of devotees should not be belittled. One should also seek and be able to recognize and serve exalted devotees. Even prasadam, the leftover food of a pure devotee, is very powerful. Narada Muni, a being of the angelic category, made great advancement in the past simply by associating with exalted souls, serving them and eating the remnants of their food. The Lord helps us in every possible way, but, strangely enough, we often lose courage and avoid the most beneficial activities.
We should continue our spiritual practice without any fear or hesitation because Krishna has given us these promises and will take care of fulfilling them. One should not develop a sectarian mood, thinking that the guru is only this or that body. Such students are only able to follow instructions on the physical plane and are too attached to the bodily shell. We accept spiritual master to obtain Krsna, and Krsna will help us in this. Therefore, if any devotee's guru falls, we encourage that devotee to continue on the spiritual path, for the guru is simply the door to God. The Lord is watching everything that happens, and He will help such a devotee by opening additional doors for him.
Unfortunately, in most cases, when a guru falls or experiences difficulties, the disciples also begin to experience difficulties, weaken, or even leave. First of all, this suggests that they did not truly understand the process. We follow this process to reach Krsna. For example, in the Bible the prodigal son wants to return to the Father, and the Father sends another son to help him. But at the same time, the Father Himself continues to monitor the situation, and if suddenly His representative fails to cope with this task, He will send someone else. The father wants to return his son home, since the son himself is ready for this. Similarly, if a devotee wants to return home, the Lord will arrange it. Krishna helps us as much as we are sincere. We just have to try to put aside all worries and remain faithful to our acharyas and true teachers.
This method is very powerful, but also dangerous. Most religions do not emphasize the relationship between mentor and disciple. Because there are so many deceivers out there, many spiritual people belittle the role of a caring and powerful spiritual guide. For this reason, the Supreme Lord also gives us scriptures, saints and teachers. If we sincerely follow the instructions that God has given us, we will grow spiritually, change and will certainly return to the spiritual world. Our practice is to develop love, faith, responsibility, devotion and selflessness, as these qualities are an integral part of our true nature. By reviving this nature within ourselves, we can escape from the prison of the material world and return to our eternal and loving state.
Krishna is watching over our spiritual development. He either helps our spiritual master fulfill his duty and bring us back to Him, or if the spiritual master fails in his task but the disciple remains devoted to the Lord, Krishna personally intervenes. He either sends His representative or He Himself takes the form of a guru to take this devotee to Himself. In the story of Bali Maharaja, when the king's guru fell, Krishna came as Vamanadeva to bless Bali Maharaja for his unwavering devotion. This is the greatness of devotional service.
As far as death is concerned, we do not mourn too much if a devotee leaves his body, especially if he has served with faith and devotion. We are happy that the person has achieved success and gone to the spiritual kingdom. This should inspire us to do better in our ministry so that we can join it later. We can simultaneously pray that he will help us in our efforts to return home and that we may meet him in his true form in the service of God.
Question: When we are hurt, out of false pride we often hide our vulnerability, and this prevents us from trusting the Lord and devotees. But we must believe that He will never send us greater difficulties than those with which we are able to cope. Answer: Krishna does not give us trials that we cannot bear. It is a mistake to think that there are things in our lives that we cannot handle, or that our difficulties are not the result of our karma. This is why we need healthy grief, because it helps us appreciate God's position as the Supreme Sovereign. He doesn't make mistakes; Every event in our life has meaning and purpose. It happens to us and not to anyone else for a specific reason.
There is always an opportunity to think more deeply about what is happening and try to connect with the Lord rather than be angry with Him. If we realize that these difficulties constitute our experience, then we will practice the nine types of devotional service with determination. But although this practice is the most important thing in our lives, we cannot truly engage in it if there is too much guilt, anger, fear, rejection or shock in our subconscious. We respect grief and at the same time try to rise above it.
Author: Bhakti Tirtha Swami Source: book “Spiritual Warrior 4: Victory over the Enemies of the Mind”
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How to “let go of the soul” of an unborn child.
Every person has a soul. And the child who was conceived and was in the womb also already had his own soul. This is the first thing that arises in a person. And if such a tragedy happened that the child did not see the world, this is a huge grief for parents, which not everyone can survive. If people are believers, then they know that the Lord takes the soul when He needs it and, unfortunately, we cannot influence this in any way. Such misfortunes do not just happen. Most likely this is a lesson for failed parents. Or God saved us from something even more terrible. You need to pray for the child in the same way. We need to say goodbye to him, giving him life “there” - in a more perfect world. And when the time comes, you will be given another chance to become parents!
It is also necessary to let go of the soul of an aborted child! It is very important here to ask for forgiveness to him if this choice was made by you intentionally. Perhaps it will become a little easier if parents who have lost a child while still in the womb perform something like a ritual that they can come up with for themselves
If the pregnancy was short and the child does not have to be buried, then you can do it yourself. For example, bury some toy or something that reminds of this tragedy. Often women keep pregnancy tests. You can even bury it. Lay flowers, say goodbye. This is a more psychological technique in order to ease your state of mind at least a little.
Perhaps it will become a little easier if parents who have lost a child while still in the womb perform something like a ritual that they can come up with for themselves. If the pregnancy was short and the child does not have to be buried, then you can do it yourself. For example, bury some toy or something that reminds of this tragedy. Often women keep pregnancy tests. You can even bury it. Lay flowers, say goodbye. This is a more psychological technique in order to ease your state of mind at least a little.
How to “let go of the soul” of a dead husband or dead wife.
Very often, after the death of one of the spouses, the other begins to fall into a real, protracted depression, literally making a “crypt” or “altar” out of the house, where an incredible number of different photographs of the husband or wife hang. This makes it very difficult for the soul to “leave.” She rushes about and sees herself everywhere. She sees suffering and it is very difficult for her to leave. It will be enough to place one photo with a black ribbon and a candle next to it for 40 days. After which the candle can be taken to the grave and lit there. You can save the photo on your desk or wall, but one thing. Just for memory. And it’s best if this photo is associated with some pleasant event. The main thing is that, looking at him, there is no deep mourning. If this occurs, it is better to remove the photo. After all, one can commemorate and remember without any “attributes” or auxiliary objects.
Where did sorrows come from?
This is one of the consequences of the Fall of Adam and Eve. After eating the forbidden fruit, the ancestors became mortal and were expelled from the Garden of Eden. All the consequences of the Fall awaited them: suffering, illness, hard work...
Since a person is tripartite - consisting of body, soul and spirit - then there are three types of sorrows:
- in relation to the body (illness, labor, dependence on climatic conditions and material support);
- emotional (sadness, sadness, worries);
- in relation to the spirit (due to one’s own sinfulness, remorse).
