The fight against sins and sinful passions, constant work on the purity of one’s soul is the usual way of life of an Orthodox Christian. And if many manage to overcome the sins of fornication, gluttony, love of money and others, then the sin of pride lies in wait as the last frontier, as the most difficult test.
Pride manifests itself in a variety of guises - this is a sense of superiority, which means a disdainful attitude towards others, contempt, the desire to impose one’s opinion and one’s way of life, the desire to teach and instruct everyone against their wishes. Pride also manifests itself in a feeling of resentment from the fact that people do not appreciate the feat, do not see all the righteousness and impeccability of the one who leads, in his opinion, an innocent way of life. And this resentment is the greatest sin, because it stems from pride.
Cunning Sin
When we are offended, the soul not only hurts, the soul begins to get angry, indignant, condemn, and sometimes take revenge. The wounded pride hurts so much. Out of his pride (I hope no one in his right mind will say that he is not proud), a person, not in his mind, but in his heart, puts himself at the center of this world. Around him, as around a center, other people revolve in orbits.
But a Christian should have the Lord at the center. But a person does not want to part with his picture of the world, and when something distorts it, he experiences pain, anger, irritation - he gets offended.
Of course, it happens when they really treat us unfairly, badly, when they deliberately cause pain and evil. And we try to move away or completely, temporarily or permanently, stop communicating. We perform these actions because we are driven by resentment. But it is impossible to imagine that the Monk Sergius of Radonezh, leaving Mount Makovets because his disciples did not behave in the spirit for which he set up the monastery, did this because he was offended. He could have intended never to return if his students did not correct themselves, but even in this case he would not have acted out of resentment. He was not guided by sinful human will, but by God's will.
And the Apostle Paul tells us: “If possible, be at peace with everyone.” This does not mean - in communication with everyone, in like-mindedness. If communication does not work out, the contradictions are insurmountable, you, coming to terms with your limitations, move away, but in peace. The feeling of resentment must sooner or later be overcome.
Dealing with resentment is not easy, as with any sin. But in the case of resentment, sometimes it is not even obvious to everyone that it is necessary to fight at all. Because when a person is offended, he considers himself to be the victim and takes a wait-and-see attitude. It seems to him that since he was offended, he should ask for forgiveness, and repent before God of his rudeness, harshness, etc.
But Christ says that offense is not just a sin, but such a sin that deprives a person of even the opportunity to hope for the forgiveness of his own sins! “And when you stand in prayer, forgive if you have anything against anyone, so that your heavenly Father may also forgive you your sins; if you do not forgive, then your Heavenly Father will not forgive you your sins” (Mark 11:25-26).
It turns out that as long as we consider our offense “just,” we cannot ask the Lord for anything, not even for forgiveness of our own sins—until we ourselves abandon our claims, our courts, and give judgment to God.
It is impossible not only to receive Communion, but even to prepare for Communion, to read prayers for Holy Communion in a state of persistent resentment in the soul, while we continue to present bills to the offender. After all, these prayers are preceded by the words: “Drinking the Divine Blood for communion, first reconcile those who have grieved you” (the first thing you do before Communion is forgive those who offended you).
The problem of resentment
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In the modern world, the problem of touchiness and resentment is more relevant than ever. Unfair distribution of material wealth in itself makes people feel wronged, regardless of whether they have enough for a normal human existence. “But others have more!” - and resentment arises. And here the border between envy and resentment is so invisible that one often flows into the other.
But resentment is not pain, it will not go away suddenly. This is a whole bunch of different feelings, emotions, you can even call it a state of psychophysiological and mental trauma. And at the same time, it is not considered something special in everyday life and outside church life. Many even consider touchiness to be a kind of shield, an inoculation for immunity from life’s ups and downs.
Even in Orthodox patristic practice it is not so easy to find explanations for the offense. But, most importantly, there is no detailed description of ways to resolve the offense, to get out of this state with dignity, as befits an Orthodox Christian, without causing harm to one’s soul and the soul of one’s neighbor.
God Factor
Resentment closes us both from people and from God. Therefore, as soon as you are offended, take action: pray for the offender. I don’t want to, even if it’s just automatic. From the point of view of worldly logic, this is nonsense, or, in extreme cases, a paradox. But we Christians are such paradoxical people. Also the Apostle Paul (1 Cor. 4:12-13).
This law is foolishness for the world, it is contrary to all reasoning about rights and dignity. Still, try it! Stand in front of the icon and bow for the person with the words: God, have mercy on this person (name).
Let everything in you protest against such words. But if you do this, you will not act according to your own will, but according to the will of God. This will be your consolation, and God will not delay. From the moment of such prayer, you are no longer alone in your petition, you are not even trying to resolve the situation on your own, God is with you. He starts to act. The grace of God comes and softens the heart. Both yours and the “offender’s.”
If you pray for someone who has offended you, you will definitely feel the difference between the attitude from a state of offense and the attitude towards the person that prayer for him gives rise to. It will become easier for you to tolerate its harshness and sharp corners. And the person himself, for whom the one whom he offended prays, can change. This is how the commandment works - turn the other cheek, stop the evil on yourself, do not pass it on down the chain. You have been offended, you pray for the offender, you wish him well, health and peace. And the grace of God is given to both.
Fra Beato Angelico. "St. Stephen Stoned" (1447–1449). Fresco of the lunette of the western wall of the Niccolini Chapel, Vatican Photo from the site art.c-rover.com
Prayer changes the very focus of perception of “grievances.” Questions arise: maybe I also offended someone in my life? Maybe he also hurt someone’s soul, and it still hurts?
Many people seem to know all this in words, but completely underestimate it. People often complain that God does not “hear” their prayers. Or maybe it’s because he “doesn’t hear” that we ourselves cannot forgive, let go, we keep them in debt, considering ourselves unfairly offended, and even wait for God to punish our debtor. Maybe that’s why our prayer to God is not bold?
The commandment to love God and neighbor is inseparable. If you are offended, angry, it means you don’t love your neighbor, which means you don’t love God either, - this is what the Apostle of Love John the Theologian says.
You can even check yourself: if prayer doesn’t work, your heart is cold, and not because you’re tired or running around, maybe it’s because there’s a burden on your heart, resentment towards a person doesn’t allow you to pray?
How to get out of a state of resentment?
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On the one hand, the solution is very simple - you need to forgive everyone and repent of sin. But this feeling is dangerous because it is very difficult to tear it out of the soul to the very foundation.
After all, resentment is often the result of inflated self-esteem. It seems to a person that he deserves more, but gets less. And he begins to take offense at injustice, as it seems to him. But where is Christian humility? Where is the awareness that only God can evaluate us? Perhaps, because of our sins, we are entitled to even less, and we sulk at those who gave us little honor, attention, or other benefits.
Saint Isaac the Syrian also said:
Being vindictive and at the same time praying can be compared to pouring grain on the sea and waiting for the harvest from it.
An incredibly powerful allegory of the Saint. Therefore, the only way to get rid of sinful feelings can be to show humility and forgiveness.
Touchiness is like an infection
Resentment is a sin because it clings to itself, tying into a heavy knot, several sinful states at once: condemnation, rancor and vindictiveness. And if an attentive person can still control revenge in action, then with condemnation it is more difficult. After all, resentment itself is based on the awareness of a certain truth in one’s resentment. On our concept of justice.
But our truth is human, sometimes too human. But there is God's truth. And in the eyes of God, everything may not be as it seems to us. After all, all the secret motives, the reasons for the works of human hands are revealed to God, but they are not revealed to us. We see part, but He sees everything at once. Let's trust God. Since He allowed “injustice” against us, it’s better to search for meaning or quietly tolerate it. When you manage to build a hierarchy of opinions like this: first God’s, then your own, the grievances become quieter.
There is an old but comforting patristic recipe: when we suffer from insults, especially unjust ones, if we accept it in peace and endure it, our sins, which we have forgotten, will be forgiven.
Many holy fathers considered bearing grievances a test of true Christianity. You endure insults with a peaceful soul - well, it’s not in vain that you fast, pray, and do good deeds. This means you are doing it for the sake of Christ, and not out of vanity.
Saint Silouan of Athos generally said that we are Christians only when we fulfill the commandment to love our enemies. And this gospel maxim begins with enduring insults. It is no coincidence that Christ in the Gospel puts the commandments about love for enemies and about prayer for those who offend you in one row, separated by commas: “But I say to you: love your enemies, bless those who curse you, do good to those who hate you, and pray for those who oppress you and persecute you...” (Matt. 5:44).
If we don’t strive for this, if we explain everything with our own vulnerability, we develop a skill in our souls, a sinful habit of self-justification. Resentment, like an infection, will take root in life, clinging to all its circumstances.
Touchiness both for the person himself and for the people around him can become torment. If in a family, for example, a husband or wife suffers from touchiness, this affects all family members. In this case, touchiness also becomes a means of manipulation and psychological blackmail, causing loved ones to feel guilty and often pushing them to take wrong actions.
How does resentment arise?
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As already mentioned, the psychophysiological reaction to injustice is different for all people. They say that some people are touchy and others are not. But St. John Climacus discussed touchiness in the following terms, calling it memory malice:
Memory malice destroys spiritual life just as rust destroys iron.
After all, in this state it is impossible to pray. The worm of awareness of one’s humiliation or insult from other people gnaws and gnaws. And although in words we forgive and forget everyone, in the depths of our souls resentment still sits.
But the Lord sees everything in our soul as in an open book. And he knows that by saying “I have forgiven,” but in fact not forgiving, we are being disingenuous, that is, we are sinning even more. So rust comes to the soul, destroying it.
Go in peace
You can only talk about your grievances to a person when you yourself have calmed down. If you are irritated, offended, upset, angry, you will inevitably judge the person, reproach him, and your conversation will not bring anything good.
If parents say the right words to their child in irritation, the child will not learn these words. If they punish him in anger, that punishment will only bring harm. The child sees that although his parents punish him for his offense, at that moment they themselves are sinning another sin, so their admonition does not heal him. He just submits to the force for now.
But if you managed to calm down with the help of prayer, you can try talking to the person. The person will feel that behind your words there is not irritation, not passion, but meaning, and may listen to your words.
But it happens that after talking, you have to part with the person. Rest in peace. The guarantee is your peace of mind. Many holy fathers have advice that sometimes it is better to part with a person. For example, the abbot of the monastery came to the conclusion that a certain brother, if he remained in the monastery, would receive great benefit for himself, but would bring great harm to the brethren. In this case, the abbot may decide to choose the benefit of the brethren and part with the brother.
