Should a wife be obedient?
Oh, what a hot topic. In the dilemma of “to obey or not,” women, as a rule, are divided into two camps... The first shout that this is real slavery. The main thing, after all, is independence, income, having your own opinion and be sure to give advice when asked and not asked.
The second category of women is sure that a submissive sheep always gets more and better. And let the husband choose both the dress and the vacation package. Am I the only one who thinks there is no balance in this?
Let's understand the concept of “obedience.”
Be a good girl?
Being obedient does not mean being a silent fish. You can obey your husband and still have your own opinion. Just express it softly and femininely.
There is no need to interfere with HIS area of responsibility, there is no need to command - this is not your energetic and functional task. The man next to you knows how to change a tire and will find where to fix the refrigerator.
Being obedient does not mean being oppressed and accepting the tyranny of your husband.
This is precisely why you need to study male psychology and work on yourself: to be able to distinguish abnormal men from worthy ones.
I talk about this in detail in my free author’s online course Man: Honest Instructions.
To be obedient means to accept his masculinity, allow him to take responsibility, live in harmony, peacefully and calmly discuss all the important decisions in your life.
There is nothing slavish or destructive about this either for you or your self-esteem...
Why don't arguments and showdowns lead to anything good? First of all, because many people argue for the sake of arguing.
Argumentative debaters are those who really have nothing to say. An extremely complex ego pushes us to prove something that is completely unimportant.
And it didn’t matter that the store was closed, and “you told me so,” but the shirt was still lying in place and the porridge had to be cooked for 5 minutes.
Arguing for the sake of arguing and about trifles is sad and stupid. This attack, in which a man takes a defensive position, strains the brain (in a bad way). It’s not your job to influence the male brain.
What happens when a wife argues with her husband
Any disputes always destroy relationships, and therefore families. This happens for a number of reasons:
- When you argue with a man, he turns on a defensive reaction, which is good in battle, but not in the family. You are forcing that side of his nature to turn on that will either make him an offender or a loser. Both are bad.
- By arguing, the woman herself becomes more masculine, which puts her in an unattractive light for her husband.
- Disputants are always on different sides, but family is a bundle, and you must be at the same time.
In real life, it is difficult to avoid conflict situations, but how you behave in them can decide everything. The worst thing is when the conflict drags on and no one wants to give in to the other. It’s a little better if a man gives in to you. But the most correct thing will be your agreement with the man. However, you should not agree recklessly either, because you risk showing your lack of will and indifference in any issues.
So, it would be optimal to adhere to the following algorithm:
- if the issue is unimportant and not fundamental, we can silently obey and do what is required of us;
- if the situation worries you, then you can and should express your opinion, without insisting on it;
- In very important matters, you can invite your husband to weigh the pros and cons.
Believe that rarely sticking out your opinion will create a feeling of its importance in your spouse. He himself will want to know what you think about this or that matter.
Which one is yours?
The answer is simple: influence a man’s heart, create and maintain happy relationships.
If we talk about male and female energies, then an argument definitely activates the male energy in a woman. Each of us contains masculine and feminine principles. Yin and Yang, Animus and Anima - call it whatever you like.
A man begins to perceive you as a rival, as a man, when you are smart, argue and rule.
During a conflict, ask yourself: wouldn’t it be better to give the reins of power on this issue to a man? If you are married to a normal man, then, as a rule, he can solve most issues himself.
Segregation of duties
To avoid this question, it is important to understand that responsibilities in the family are shared, but not at the “wash the dishes”/“cook” level.
Everyday life and everyday little things seem so insignificant and distant, but if you knew how many marriages break up precisely because of this. To build a harmonious relationship, I recommend sharing responsibilities.
Put the security and finances in his hands. Discuss large-scale purchases and make decisions together. BUT even in this you need to remain feminine and reasonable.
In turn, tell your man that everyday life and everything related to the home is your area of responsibility.
You provide him with a reliable rear and your hero leaves with a calm soul to kill mammoths, because at home they will feed you, give you something to drink, take care of you and more.
Is there happiness in obedience?
The secret to a happy relationship is to make obedience and even service to your husband your happiness. After all, agree, would you like to see a strong, courageous and purposeful man next to you?
You need to accept the fact that such a man in a relationship and in a family wants to be the captain of the ship.
If you do not agree to obey your husband a priori, even before you get married, then it is important to understand that the men you will meet are weak and lacking initiative.
It's not good or bad, it's just a fact.
Your inner Airborne Trooper, the desire to prove everything to everyone, to be the first, will attract infantiles, mama's boys, gigolos, etc. Do you want to build happy family relationships? Work on yourself.
On the obedience of a believing wife to an unbelieving husband
Lately I've been thinking a lot about obedience, and my thoughts have been tied together in this wreath. Here is a believing wife and an unbelieving husband. A woman walks along her spiritual path, and her thoughts are double. She does not comply with church regulations - neither in relation to herself, nor in relation to her husband, nor in relation to children (her husband does not allow it). And is it possible to fulfill them? All hope is in the mercy of God. But before her eyes there are two or three prosperous Christian families, they are like a living reproach for her: everything is not as it should be! Years go by, and a complex of some kind of guilt grows stronger in her: not the consciousness of her sinfulness, but as if she owes something to someone. Not to God, no, but to people - maybe the priest in the church, or maybe the parishioners she meets in church. Mental depression and constant dissatisfaction with one’s life do not bring one closer to the Kingdom of Heaven, since all this is created by the Pharisees’ leaven. What should she do? The husband does not believe, does not allow her to live the way she would like. Thank God if there is a priest who will encourage such a woman and help her focus her gaze on her own soul, showing where the main thing is and where the little things are. It's worse if they tell her:
- What do you want? The husband doesn’t believe in God, doesn’t go to church, what good can there be? And you do as the Church teaches you. Husband doesn `t allow? What, are you going to point at your husband at the Last Judgment? Who is more important - God or husband?
The woman will lower her head lower and remain silent. What can I say?
But in fact: who is more important - God or the husband? Not a question, but some kind of blasphemy! We still know the answer: “The Lord reigns; He is clothed with greatness, the Lord is clothed with power...” We are all servants of God. What follows from this? That we are allowed, in the heat of our faith, to shred the lives of the people given to us by God, plunging them with our actions into the abyss of blasphemy and opposition to all His commandments? This is not the will of God, because He does not want the death of any of His children.
What should you do, my sister? I'll try to answer this question. This is the path that the Lord gave you for salvation: you must obey your husband. There is no salvation of the soul without obedience. Obedience is a universal, truly golden key that opens almost all the doors in the spiritual field that a person follows, and the relationship between an unbelieving husband and a believing wife is no exception. A Christian wife's obedience to her husband is the first condition for her success in spiritual life. Do you obey him, my sister? If yes, then raise your head higher! Don’t think that you are worse, since your husband, unlike your girlfriend’s husband, does not believe in God and does not go to Church. If you are worse than her, it is for a completely different reason. Your sins are yours, cry, grieve for them, but know about your misfortune: you are not indebted to anyone - except God and the children entrusted to you by Him, from whom you have no right to take away even the smallest gifts of God, because they are these gifts. , not given to them by you.
And the first gift from God to your family is you. The Lord’s love for His children, believers and non-believers, is so enormous that no matter how selfless a woman is, no matter how much she loves her family, she cannot repay her husband and children as the Lord expects of her. In this awareness lies the source of deepest repentance, contrition and the opportunity for limitless self-improvement for a woman, wife and mother. Walking along this path, it is almost impossible to go astray, and the yoke of Christ will be light and joyful on him. Our love for our husband and children is imperfect, it is shamefully small. So love them more, my sister, and do not be ashamed of your love. If you keep before your eyes the highest example (the love of the Lord Jesus Christ for His children), then the Lord will cover and forgive you your sins associated with deviations from church statutes. Forgive for love in His name...
At the same time, you need to remember: if you justify your deviations from the pure teaching about the salvation of the soul with a simple statement, then this is a very dangerous path. And by obeying your husband, you can destroy your soul. You need to see the image of God in your unbelieving household and revere it. On this path there is almost no limit to obedience - there is only the opportunity to “extinguish” the sins of your family by crucifying yourself for it every day. And one more thing: look carefully, my sister, at the Ten Commandments of God, reread them! After all, by obeying your husband, you do not violate any of them: you try to love God with all your heart and pray only to Him, you reverence His name, rejoice in Sunday, you honor not only your parents, but also your husband, you do not kill, do not commit adultery, do not lie, and don't envy. And if so, then what can prevent you from being an obedient wife to your unbelieving husband?
Here is a specific person and a very specific, unique life. This man does not believe, but the Lord has gifted him fabulously. I gave him the great happiness of being the father of his children, so what kind of conscience do I need to have to follow the advice of a very young priest:
— You are a Christian and you are obliged to raise your children as Christians. Is it fasting now? This means that your children should fast too. Try to explain this to your husband!
It turns out that I have to tell my husband literally the following:
-Have you seen our children? Did you look at them well? Now step aside and look - you can’t contradict me! I will raise them in accordance with my beliefs, and you admire how I can do it.
But I cannot say such words!!! Children are a gift from God, and not only to me, I cannot encroach on it, my conscience does not allow it. I will not take away any of the bounties that God showered on my husband, I will stand on the right and, without coming to the fore, I will correct, carefully instructing my children with prayer, but I will not push them away, I will not offend them for unbelief, I will not discredit their father in the eyes of the children. You cannot punish a person for his unbelief - only the long-suffering Lord can do this.
An unbelieving husband also has one more gift from God - the love of his wife. If something is taken away here, who will make up for it? The Lord wants this son of His to be happy, because the only justification for marriage is the love of the spouses and their mutual happiness. But even this love, without considering it perfect, can be increased in oneself, and such spiritual work pleases God. How to do this? Here's what one woman told me:
“For many years I dreamed of getting married to my unbelieving husband, and finally I persuaded him. I wanted to feel for myself the wealth of gifts that the Lord showers upon His blessed married couple. And after the wedding, the priest told us a few words that pierced my heart:
“The bonds with which you have sealed your union today are not only for this life, but also for the other that awaits us beyond the threshold of death.
The thought flashed through me like lightning:
“But I’m waiting for my own death with the hope of getting rid of my husband in another life!” For me, a Christian, he is like shackles that do not allow me to move forward.
How ashamed I felt! It turns out that I love him so little... A year passed in a secret, inexpressible work on my soul, and then one day I said to myself:
“I’m ready to share my husband’s posthumous fate - where he goes, so do I.” I don’t want to part with him anywhere and ever. I will be where he is. This is not opposition to the will of God: after all, I know that the Lord is free to separate husband and wife, parents and children at His Last Judgment Seat. Who dares to resist His judgment? And I don’t resist, but I try to incline my heart to the readiness to endure a terrible execution for my entire family - right up to fierce hell.
“Keep your mind in hell and do not despair,” this is how the Lord taught Elder Silouan. It seems to me that these words apply not only to the life of a monk, but also to any other life.”
I asked her:
- So, you want to say that you managed to somehow increase your love for your husband? But maybe everything can be explained much more simply: you just got used to it, finally.
- No, this is not a habit. This is completely different. There is a breath of the Holy Spirit here. My husband and I are married, but which of the Church Sacraments is performed without His participation?
“And yet I still can’t believe you completely.” How can you increase your love for your husband if there is so little or no love at all? It’s no secret that when choosing a life partner, we sometimes make terrible mistakes. It seems like no one has power over love.
“For some reason I think I’m powerful.” God has such power.
- Listen, maybe you prayed a lot?
- Well, I prayed, but I don’t know how to pray a lot. As for the shame, there was a lot of it. I was ashamed because I, with my cold soul, took away from my husband an entire part of his only life. I hope he won’t have another wife, but I’m so bad. God took pity on me and corrected my heart, adding a drop of love for my husband to it. And I thanked Him for such mercy.
So that's it! This means that it is not only possible, but also must cultivate love for your husband, and this should not be in connection with whether he believes in God or not. The Lord taught that the sun shines equally on both the righteous and the sinful. Likewise, a wife’s love should not depend on her husband’s faith or unbelief. Yes, it doesn’t depend! It’s just that the time in our Church now is like this: we seem to have forgotten what the people of God have always known. We remember and remember, but we can’t remember. What is marital love without obedience? Search all the Scriptures: what does it say about the wife? Only one thing: a wife must be obedient to her husband. The entire Old Testament is permeated with calls for wives to become obedient, but perhaps the New Testament is different? Yes, the same thing! The Apostle Paul wrote about this many times, pointing out that the basis for the inequality of wife and husband, ordained by God, lies in the difference in their creation: “... he (i.e., the husband - A.S.) is the image and glory of God; and the wife is the glory of the husband. For man is not from wife, but woman is from man; and man was not created for the wife, but the wife for the husband." But maybe this only applies to an entirely Christian family? No, “for an unbelieving husband is sanctified by a believing wife, and an unbelieving wife is sanctified by a believing husband.”
“It is sanctified” - this is the amazing word said by the Apostle Paul! It’s not so easy to understand... How many women, indulging their pride, imagined that they could “sanctify” someone with their persona! Hardly. But the Lord can sanctify everything, preparing the way for the salvation of a soul devoted to Him, obedient and loving. She lives and will live among the infidels, to whom the Lord will abundantly bestow His mercy for her sake, and this will be their sanctification. The Orthodox Church recognizes the sanctity of the marriage union, and if so, then it should be said directly to the exhausted modern woman who does not know what to grab hold of in her unbelieving family: you must obey your husband. Without your obedience there will be no good in your family.
Therefore, cheer up, my dear, and do not be afraid of your intuitive desire to obey your husband, giving him the right to dispose of you. This is not the wide road of self-will along which, while pleasing themselves, they go straight to hell. Oh no! This is truly a “fiery temptation”; there are tears, torment, repentance, fear of irrevocable death. This is a cross, but what a path of grace it is!
Obedience for the sake of the Lord God - there is nothing simpler and more joyful in the world than this. Let's say humility. You have to go a long way so that one day, somewhere far ahead, someone’s outline looms, seemingly unclear, but suddenly recognized by you: so this is what you are, the humility of Christ! And then, as soon as you guess that this beauty’s name is Lord, He will set your tormented soul free. You can strive all your life, walking along the explored path, for humility, but not acquire it. But obedience is much easier with it: you can take this path right away, without hesitating for a minute! And the most amazing thing is that you can succeed the first time.
Once, an eight-year-old boy with a very difficult character came to our house frequently. His parents complained about his disobedience, and this boy often got into trouble with them. Simply, they beat him, and not in a joking way. And then one day, noticing another bruise on his forehead, I told him:
- Try to become obedient, and you will be scolded less. It's terribly simple to be obedient. Do you want me to teach you?
- Want.
“You have to get used to the fact that you simply can’t think about your parents’ requests.” It is forbidden! - and that’s it. They told you, and you immediately got up and did it. You can’t hesitate either, you need to do everything without hesitation and without delay. A kind of skill, a habit. For example, when you want to eat, what do you do? You go straight to the kitchen and grab something to chew on. You don’t put it off, and your stomach doesn’t repeat its request ten times? It’s the same with obedience to parents - without hesitation and without delay! After all, they are good and will not teach you anything bad.
The path of obedience is joyful and easy. The fact is that on this path the gifts from the Lord to the obedient are abundant. Even physical strength, which is small from birth, will be multiplied along this path. So sometimes I think: “Oh God! Yes, I will work tirelessly. I will not sit down to rest and I will never object. I will guess the desires of my household by serving them. Just give me again and again that peace of mind that I knew, that good thought that is so interesting for me to consider from all sides, that diligent prayer that I prayed while wandering around the apartment with a vacuum cleaner. You are merciful to me, Lord, because I obey my husband. I will be an obedient wife, and how much You give me for such little!”
The joys of obedience can be taught to children too. After all, they must be obedient not only because God’s commandment about honoring their parents was read to them. The task is not a constant boring reminder of it. The most important thing is this: you need to show your child the good fruits of obedience. Maybe one day I should say this to him:
“Look, child, how everything would change in our conversations in the evenings if you suddenly became obedient.” Out of respect for me, you would not force me to repeat a request for the most basic task ten times. For example, today: I repeated it many times, and you finally did what I asked you to do, only after I shouted. But I am not a dog to bark, and you are not a beast to be shouted at. You can clean your room, brush your teeth and make your bed in fifteen minutes. These minutes will not increase or decrease because you put off your evening chores until my shout because of incomprehensible activities. What would happen if you did everything right after my first request? Yes, one joy: the same fifteen minutes will be spent getting ready for bed, but I will smile at you and tell you jokes, and then, since you went to bed on time, I will read two more pages to you before going to bed. You will pray with a light heart and fall asleep joyful: I obeyed my mother, I made her happy, that means I am good. And it will be true. On what path do we feel good? When we listen to each other. This is the good deed that the Lord God teaches us.
These teachings can be varied indefinitely in relation to various family situations: the wife obeys her husband (and sometimes vice versa, but without womanly impudence!), children obey their parents, the youngest obeys the elder, and the elder listens to the younger, adapting to his infantile folly.
The world of obedience in the name of the Lord is beautiful and it is difficult not to submit to this beauty. That is why a Christian wife who submits to her atheist husband acts, in my opinion, more correctly than the one who, without her husband’s permission, spitting on his displeasure, runs and runs endlessly to church or, regardless of her husband’s tastes, changes the normal modern clothes (here I don’t mean ugly minis and tight pants) for a long skirt with a shapeless jacket, and elegant shoes with small heels for some kind of slippers. Do not hastily change one fashion to another. Perhaps it would be more correct to wear the clothes in which the wife likes her husband, and this is also obedience, and also from God.
Sometimes I think that the desire to be obedient is simply some kind of instinct of the female Christian soul. One woman told me:
“I was recently listening to the radio, and one wise and brave priest told his listeners: “In our time, it is difficult to find a spiritual father.” I thought about it. This is true, but then how can I, a foolish woman, guess God’s will about myself? For example, here is a serious question: how often should you take communion? In my mind, this question took the following form: why is it necessary to partake of the Holy Gifts on this particular day, and not on some other day? If I had a spiritual father, I would ask him and do according to his advice. But I don’t have it, and I have to solve this issue myself. I tried it after reading about. Alexandra Schmemann, to take communion often, and she didn’t like it very much. I found myself in such a situation, somehow vain and uncollected. Let others receive communion every Sunday, but I have not grown up to this. Well, when exactly can I receive communion? I thought and thought about it and decided this: I need to ask my husband. It is he who must give me permission to go to communion.
- Well, you just killed me! He doesn’t believe in you, he doesn’t go to church! What relation can he have to all this, to the Holy Gifts?!
- Yes, the most direct. My husband sees me every day, he knows whether I’m good or bad.
- And in what form do you ask him for permission?
- In the simplest way: “Allow me to take communion on such and such a day, I really want it.”
- Well, what if he starts to object?
— Firstly, I try not to pay attention to the form of the initial refusal (for example, ridicule). I persuade a little (a little) and if I again meet the same refusal, I try to immediately suppress any resentment in myself: it means that I do not deserve the Holy Gifts. This is not the will of God. But if my husband allows it, then I begin to prepare for communion.
- But when you just go to church, do you always ask him for permission?
- Almost always. And if I understand from his reaction that he would not want me to disappear from home, then I don’t go to church. This used to happen very often. But now he’s used to it and tries not to upset me. I try to please him too! He and I had to go a long way to reach this agreement. There was a period in my life (about two years) during which I did not see the entire liturgy for months, but only a small piece of it when I brought my children to communion. So that the children would not hate the church, I did not take them there often, and I myself only went to church on Sundays, to listen to the akathist at Vespers. If you only knew how hard I tried to earn permission to go to church for this shortest of services, during which my husband would not be burdened by my disappearance from home! Yes, on Saturday and Sunday, when he was resting after a week of work, I walked on the same floorboard! And I tried to please him with food, and with my good mood, and caring for the children... And on Sunday evening I asked to be allowed to go to church for an hour and a half, and my husband frowned! What tears flowed from my eyes, how I, a sinner, reproached him for his lack of attention to me! Now that difficult time has passed, and I am grateful to my conscience, which did not allow me to turn the churching of my own person into an unbearable, fatal burden for my husband. It was quite understandable. So my wife started running to church - what will come of it? Maybe she will become worthless to her husband. But it didn’t get worse, on the contrary. And the non-believer draws the correct conclusion: this means that the Orthodox Church does not teach bad things, which means that you can trust it.
— Do you think your “method” is applicable in any family?
- I'm sure not. You know how good my husband is?
- I know.
- And how many women live next to drunkards, revelers, parasites! I don’t know how you can feel like an obedient wife in such situations. It’s not for me, a sissy, to teach such wretches.
Fun revelation! It’s hard to say whether you can take anything into account from this young woman’s story, but here’s what I’d like to emphasize. The Prophet Isaiah, peering into the wonderful distance, which is our present Church of Christ, conveyed the following words spoken to him by God: “I will make every mountain a way.” For me personally, this “every mountain” is every family in which the Lord called one person to the holy faith. The path to Him lies on this “every mountain.” God Himself carefully paved it, so you should not be afraid of the apparent steepness of the path.
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Husband or so-so?
Another important aspect of obedience to pay attention to is WHOM to obey. There is a difference between a civil marriage and an official one, between a boyfriend, a boyfriend and a husband.
If you are not yet married, no matter how long you have been together, yes, you need to trust a man, but not transfer control of yourself into the wrong hands. This is shifting responsibility.
When a boyfriend you've known for two and a half days tells you not to wear that skirt, or put your hands on the table, or not drink coffee, that's dictatorship. You need to run away from such a man.
Another very simple example is when a man in an open relationship decides with whom and when you date, although, in principle, he is never interested in your life.
If you haven’t understood yet, you can generally leave such a relationship.
So who should a woman listen to?
If we rely on the principles of education that our ancestors have followed since time immemorial, then the subordination of a woman to a man is the norm. But then another question arises: what kind of man should a man be for a woman to obey him unconditionally?
There are individuals who do not control their emotions, who cannot properly build relationships, who have no respect for elders at all, and who are simply unable to make a responsible decision. Is it possible to obey such a man?
Of course, you can subjugate a woman by force. But is this right? After all, a real man can be called not just a creature that has a male gender. A real man must be a person. And to become a worthy person, you need to work and make efforts.
