If you think sensibly, then any person will agree that envy is not good. But when it comes to practice, controlling your angry urges becomes much more difficult. The feeling of dependence and anger in certain situations is not characteristic of everyone, but still quite a lot of people, and it is not at all proof that you are a bad person. Rather, it means that you are a living person, capable of experiencing a wide range of emotions.
However, there is little pleasant in such feelings. And if you have already reached the understanding that it would be nice to get rid of envy and start living more freely and liberated, then everything that is written below can serve you well.
Definition
Envy is a complex of unpleasant emotions that arise in response to someone else's success or the presence of material and non-material resources that we would like to have. These include irritation, frustration, bitterness, a sense of injustice, despondency, a feeling of helplessness, and even anger.
It is normal to want what others have. Moreover, this is a powerful evolutionary mechanism that ensures the exchange of experience between people. It becomes abnormal and pathological when, instead of motivating action, it causes the opposite effect.
Instead of honestly recognizing the superiority of another person in something important to us and directing all our efforts to development, we plunge into the abyss of negative feelings and destroy ourselves from the inside.
It is in self-destruction that the main danger of envy lies. The other person doesn’t give a damn what we think about him, but we ourselves are offended, bitter and annoyed. These feelings are not only very energy-consuming for our body, but also carry potential harm. Particularly strong negative emotions are accompanied by the release of the stress hormone – cortisol. It puts all body systems on alert and causes severe stress.
White and black envy: what is the difference
It is not for nothing that the division of envy into two types has taken root in everyday life: black and white. White envy is the very advance of motivation that a person receives when he sees someone else’s success. From a psychological point of view, it is extremely beneficial, even though it causes some discomfort.
It is unpleasant and offensive for us to realize that we do not have something. We are starting to actively work towards achieving this. Including in order to extinguish these unpleasant emotions and come to balance.
Black envy forces a person to pour into a hole all the energy received in advance. This is a direct path to degradation. Instead of trying to get rid of discomfort through productive activity, the individual unleashes a barrage of negative emotions on the object that caused these emotions - another person. This strategy is a failure and counterproductive in every way. But a person, as a rule, does not have enough honest reflection to realize this.
Let's highlight how white envy differs from black envy so that you never confuse them.
- Intensity and duration of emotions
Black envy causes stronger and longer-lasting negative emotions than white envy. Therefore, they are much more difficult to control.
- Attitude towards the object of envy
With white envy, the attitude towards a person is neutral or positively colored. We can admire his successes and rejoice in the opportunity to be around. Black makes you feel hostility towards the object and even the desire to harm it.
- Direction of Energy
The energy of white envy is channeled into active activity to achieve success. Black energy is spent on self-destruction through negative emotions.
- Mindfulness
A person who is envious of black envy is rarely truly aware of it. The true cause of negative emotions is hidden from him by a pile of mental defenses. White is much more aware. The subject admits that he is jealous, but sees nothing shameful in it.
Reasons for envy
Let's take a closer look at why the destructive feeling of envy arises. Knowing the underlying reasons will help us quickly cope with this feeling and learn to use it for our benefit.
Dissatisfaction with one's own life
This is perhaps the main reason for envy. A person is dissatisfied with what he has and considers himself undeservedly deprived. Usually this problem happens to unfulfilled people who have not been able to find their path and follow it.
Heightened self-esteem
Yes, it is high self-esteem that makes us furiously jealous of other people’s success, and not low self-esteem, as many believe. To start feeling negative towards a more successful, beautiful, rich, talented person, you must first believe that you have the right to claim all these bonuses. Then there will be a feeling that these bonuses were unfairly taken away from you, and anger towards those who are “luckier” more.
A person exaggerates his merits, skills and abilities and begins to seem more important to himself. And when this feigned importance does not receive confirmation from the outside, indignation and envy arise. Therefore, the main defense against these negative emotions is modesty and an adequate assessment of one’s capabilities. We must always remember that there are those who are smarter, more beautiful, more talented than us, and treat this calmly.
External locus of control
Locus of control is a person’s subjective idea of what is the driving force behind the events that happen to him. This is also the place in space where a person directs his current requests. Locus of control can be external or internal.
A person with an internal locus of control feels like a full-fledged master of life and firmly holds the steering wheel. He clearly sees what depends on him and what is beyond his competence, and tries to direct energy only in a productive direction. He looks for the reasons for his failures in himself, and does not try to shift responsibility to circumstances.
External locus of control is characterized by an infantile position towards oneself and the world. A person believes that everyone around him owes him, and tries to collect these non-existent debts. For his troubles, he blames anyone but himself: the government, his superiors, the weather, bad genes, etc. He directs most of his energy to discontent, while his life falls into disrepair.
Frustration
The conflict between desires and possibilities leads to frustration. When a person wants something for a very long time and cannot get it, the brain turns on psychological defense to protect the psyche from stress. He blocks desire, depriving it of emotional coloring. Subjectively, a person feels that he has gotten rid of an unfulfilled need and has calmed down.
But in fact, the need has simply moved to an unconscious level. And every now and then it will break out in the form of negative emotions: envy, anger, frustration, indignation.
False installations
Some people are sure that wealth certainly coexists with meanness and unscrupulousness. That you can’t earn big money honestly. Needless to say, with such attitudes the path to success is closed. All that remains is to envy these “unprincipled” and “mean” rich people and be indignant at the injustice of the modern world order.
Lack of unconditional love in childhood
The prerequisites for the development of pathological envy can arise in childhood. If parents show love only in response to some merits of the child and exemplary behavior, he begins to be jealous of those children who are better than him in some way. The fear that they might stop loving him and be replaced by someone else is ingrained in the subconscious. Some people carry this fear throughout their lives and experience negativity towards those who have achieved greater success.
How does envy manifest itself?
The main component of envy is a feeling of annoyance that arises in response to news of other people's successes and well-being. However, the intensity of the experience may vary. Sometimes envy feels like a painful but short-lived sting. And sometimes it can torment a person for several days, like a toothache. In this case, envy transforms from a feeling into a persistent state and begins to influence all areas of a person’s life.
Let's briefly highlight several levels of envy:
- Awareness of one's own inferiority in comparison with other people.
- The emergence of frustration, bitterness, irritation and other emotions from awareness of one’s own inferiority.
- The direction of these emotions towards the object of addiction in the form of negative thoughts, statements, and sometimes actions.
Envy? Only what is realistically achievable!
But why is this so? Why does other people's happiness taste so bitter? If you look closely, hardly anyone would envy billionaires like Bill Gates or Richard Branson, their wealth and well-being. Nobody envy the actor's fame either.
Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash
However, many will envy a colleague because of his promotion, which they themselves have been waiting for years. Or a neighbor with his new car. Or the blogger who has more likes. A friend whose relationship with her husband and children is ideal. Reason: it's closer.
Not because fate had better things in store for them, but because they may have taken advantage of chances that envious people missed. In short: the object of desire must be achievable for this feeling to arise.
Negative consequences of envy
The feeling of envy is not as harmless as many are accustomed to believe. It is not for nothing that they say about an envious person that he is poisoned by envy. This is a real poison that corrodes the psyche from the inside. Let's see what the habit of envy can lead to.
- Chronic depression develops
The frustration and despondency that accompany feelings of envy create a low emotional background. If it persists for a long time, the biochemical structure of the brain changes.
The production of an important hormone, serotonin, decreases. It is responsible for motivation and energy potential, and is also a catalyst for many important processes in the body. A lack of this hormone ultimately causes depression.
- Apathy takes over
The painful feeling of envy takes a lot of energy. As a result, it may simply not be enough to realize your own goals and plans. A person feels empty, cannot find the strength to do his favorite activities and stops enjoying life.
- Relationships with people deteriorate
Few people want to communicate with envious people. Even if they try their best to deny their envy or try to disguise it as something else, an arrogant and sarcastic attitude towards people still breaks through.
- The ability to reflect is impaired
As I already said, a person often hides his envy under a layer of psychological defenses. This helps not to lose self-esteem, but breaks reflection. Lying to yourself is very expensive! This must always be remembered.
Don't follow the crowd
The problem with envy is that we often start running after the crowd, pursuing goals that are alien to us. It's time to stop and think: where are you actually rushing? Do you really need to go there? And what will you do when you get to your destination, and especially when you get there first?
We can only compare ourselves with ourselves - a hackneyed truth, but no less true. So quickly get out of someone else’s Instagram account and ask yourself: have I become better than I was a week ago? Month year? Did I learn something, create something, please someone?
By answering at least one of these questions positively, you will feel elated, which in turn will have a positive effect on your mental state.
How to get rid of envy: 7 proven methods
Let's immediately make a reservation that we will only get rid of destructive (black) envy. We won’t touch the white one, because it is a powerful motivational factor.
Admit to yourself that you are jealous
A problem can only be solved if you recognize it. The next time you experience strong negative emotions towards a person who has done nothing wrong to you, ask yourself: “Am I jealous?”
Admitting to yourself that you are jealous of someone who annoys you is very difficult. Therefore, first try to remove all emotions and include common sense.
Not in every case the answer will be affirmative. Our task is to learn to distinguish envy from other states and calmly acknowledge it. This will already be a huge step towards getting rid of the problem.
Stop devaluing other people's achievements
Devaluation is a psychological defense that always accompanies frustration.
– World domination?
- No thanks!
– Wealth and fame?
– I don’t need it, I’m above all this.
Devaluation greatly distorts self-esteem. A person begins to look down on those who have achieved more than him. After all, it was as if he deliberately refused the benefits for which the other worked hard and sacrificed something.
From the outside, such people look inadequate and arrogant. They consider themselves wiser, more aware, more enlightened and try their best to impose their vision of the world on others.
If you have reflected a desire to devalue other people’s merits, recognized and highly appreciated by other people, immediately get rid of it. This is a clear sign of envy that you are not aware of.
Learn from those you envy
By stopping to devalue the person you envy, you can reach the next level - start learning from him.
Pay attention to the qualities that helped him achieve success. Study his behavior strategy, the sequence of steps. Try to adopt some of this or at least take note of it. Just don’t blindly copy other people’s actions without taking into account your own characteristics and the existing context.
Set realistic goals
The consequence of inflated self-esteem is an inadequately high level of aspirations. A person cannot soberly assess his capabilities and sets exorbitant goals. As a result, he often experiences failures and disappointments. This breeds envy towards those who are more successful in realizing their ambitions.
When formulating goals and plans, try to be more modest. It is better to break the global goal into several smaller ones and focus on completing the closest one. This will help maintain a high level of motivation and not assign the result ahead of time.
Read about how to set goals correctly on our blog.
Turn envy into motivation
If you manage to recognize and accept your envy, you can easily turn it from black to white. To do this, you need to shift the focus of attention from the object of envy to active activity. For example, instead of sitting and cursing your slender friend, go to the gym and work up a good sweat.
Find your way
People who do not have a favorite activity and the goals and ambitions associated with it are more susceptible to envy than others.
I know firsthand this state when you don’t know where to put your strength and abilities, and you envy everyone. While I was searching for my calling, I was painfully jealous of my friends. One - because he draws coolly, another - because he plays on the volleyball team, the third - for his unique and extensive knowledge.
And only after finding my way, I calmed down and focused on my own development. The envy disappeared as if by hand. As well as excessive anxiety.
Apperciate things which you have
Often, in pursuit of new trophies, we stop appreciating what we have. From time to time, remind yourself of what a happy person you are. If you have a roof over your head, close and beloved people, true friends, a stable job, the opportunity to sleep and devote time to yourself, then this is already a lot. More than half of the world's population cannot boast of having these basic things.
Remember more often about your past achievements and victories. These are what are yours by right, and no one can take them away from you. Let them inspire and motivate you to new successes.
To be jealous or not. Two stories from life
I want to clearly show you how destructive envy is. To do this, I’ll tell you a few true stories.
At the institute, I had a classmate who was terribly jealous of her friend. And everything about Marina was better: her clothes, thick hair, and good skin. She often tried to copy Marina, but everything got out of control. Everyone either openly noticed this and laughed at her, or made fun of her behind her back.
She herself began to have skin problems and constant rashes. She became embittered and offended, which attracted even more unpleasant situations; she began to get sick often and had huge problems with her studies due to absences.
As you can see, envy is a destructive feeling that attracts many problems and troubles, even with health.
My student Elena shared her story with me. She hated the couples that popped up everywhere out of nowhere in the spring, all those flowers, declarations of love, kisses in public places! Romance, it was all just annoying...
Later it turned out that this hatred is pure envy, a hidden desire for love and to have a romantic, happy relationship.
What is most surprising is that when she was embittered by “ostentatious love,” she herself had no luck with gentlemen. She was absolutely lonely and unhappy. As soon as she learned to be happy for the love in other people's couples, she herself met a person who made her happy.
If you are wondering:
- How to overcome envy?
- How to kill this feeling?
- How to stop being jealous of others?
- What to do if people are jealous?
Be sure to read this article to the end.
