During days of mourning, close relatives experience grief and a whole range of negative emotions. At such a moment, it is important to support them with a sympathetic word of condolences and express sincere sympathy. The funeral ceremony is a ritual perfected over centuries, the rules of which are followed by both its organizers and guests. Here we will tell you what and how to say correctly at a wake.
Short sincere condolences
Before it comes to your memorial speech, you will see close relatives more than once.
Express your sympathy to them with a short phrase of condolences. Learn more about etiquette and rules of condolences.
photo of the deceased with a mourning ribbon in the lower right corner and a printed obituary or QR code for the memorial page must be installed in a public area and in direct line of sight from the microphone position. Some funeral speeches involve a direct format of addressing the deceased. The speaker should then be able to turn to the photograph and symbolically address the image of the deceased.
The main rules for constructing a farewell speech: how to remember a deceased person
Funeral speeches must be delivered with all your soul and with all your heart. Any insincere statements can only ruin everything. Falsehood is very well felt, although it seems to the speaker that no one noticed his lie. But a funeral is not a place to sort things out, so those present would rather remain silent than make a remark and start a verbal altercation.
About the dead it’s either good or nothing. It is better to adhere to this rule when commemorating. If a person has nothing to say about the deceased, it is better for him to remain silent rather than utter phrases that can only upset the relatives of the deceased. Also, there is no need to overdo it with tragedy and pathos. The funeral process is not an entertaining show and not a reason to talk about yourself once again.
A funeral is a difficult procedure. A person who previously held himself well may lose his composure directly at the funeral. In such a situation, it is difficult to remember anything, so it is better to write down the text of the funeral speech in advance, so as not to forget the right words at the most crucial moment. There is nothing wrong with reading the text from a piece of paper at a wake or at the coffin during a farewell ceremony. Also, in addition to the text itself, it is recommended to write a general plan on paper, highlighting the most important points. Some even advise typing funeral words on the computer and printing the document.
You can't drag out your speech. It is best to keep it to a few minutes, because those present will also want to say something about the deceased. It is prohibited to talk during a speech or disturb the speaker.
If you have time, opportunity and desire, it is worth talking with people who already have experience in such performances. They will help you compose a correct and concise funeral speech for wakes and funeral ceremonies.
It is necessary to speak a language that everyone present understands. If those around you do not know the Tatar or Bashkir language, then even if the deceased spoke them well, you must say goodbye in Russian or in any other language understandable to those present. No one forbids you to insert a few national colorful phrases, but you need to respect those who also came to say goodbye to the deceased.
In your speech, you can add words from memory that the deceased often mentioned. But such phrases should look harmonious. For example, these could be some of his signature words and phrases invented by him. They can make those present smile and once again think fondly of the deceased. You can also remember a favorite book or movie of the deceased and quote something from it. This is especially true when the specified phrases can accurately describe the deceased. It is appropriate to quote any phrases from the Bible and other eternal books only if the deceased believed in God.
During the eulogy at a funeral, close relatives of the deceased can also be mentioned. For example, you can say about his parents or children and that they will not be left without help. You just need to promise to help them from the bottom of your heart and only if such help will actually be provided in the future. But in a farewell speech you should avoid:
- mentions of someone else's grief;
- conversations about money and debts (if the deceased, for example, owed some amount of money);
- unnecessary intimate details of the deceased’s life.
When saying goodbye to the deceased, you don’t need to tell everyone at once. Only one person should give a speech at a funeral or at a cemetery. If any of the guests wants to add to what has been said, he should wait for his turn.
3, 9 and 40 days after death: the legend of Christ
Thus, according to church beliefs, on the third day the human soul begins to move away from the material world. At 9 her ordeal and path to the Lord begin. On the 40th, she appears before God and becomes part of the spiritual world. This is precisely the explanation that the Church gives for the tradition of holding commemorations on the 9th and 40th days officially.
However, there is another reason why the deceased is remembered on these days. According to legend, Christ rose again after the crucifixion on the third day. On the 40th, he ascended to heaven, appearing before his disciples for the last time.
What do the dates 9 and 40 days after death mean?
In Orthodoxy, the date 40 days after a person’s death is considered very important, as is 9 days. According to established Christian canons, it is on this day that the soul of a deceased person in the next world receives the final decision about where it will now go. But it is believed that if the soul of the deceased cannot change or correct anything, then relatives and friends will be able to help her with this.
Today we will tell you what happens on the 40th day, according to beliefs, with the soul and what relatives should do on this day - how to conduct a wake, what to cook and say and do when they commemorate the deceased.
Approximate sequence of speech
It is recommended to pronounce the funeral speech in accordance with this plan:
- First you need to introduce yourself and say who exactly the speaker is related to the deceased (brother, colleague, son, grandson, etc.). Various people (not necessarily family members) attend the funeral and they may not know the person giving the speech.
- Then you need to express grief over the event that happened.
- After this, you should list the important and worthy actions of the deceased. If there are extremely many of them, you can highlight the main ones (for example, the deceased founded a fund to help graduates of orphanages, etc.).
- Then the speaker can talk about the positive personality traits of the deceased (cheerful, kind, sympathetic, generous, etc.).
- After this, you need to give several particularly striking life examples that confirm the previous words.
- If the speaker believes that he owes something to the deceased, then he should thank him for everything. You can also ask the deceased for forgiveness and say that no one holds a grudge against him. The word “Sorry” has very strong energy and should not be neglected at a funeral.
- The speech ends with short phrases that the deceased will be forever remembered and loved.
While saying these words, you should try not to cry. Tears and lamentations are understandable, but it is better to refrain from them at least while pronouncing mourning phrases. If you can’t calm down, you can say just a few words that the deceased was a good friend (father, brother, husband), and not force those present to listen to the lamentations. Grief befell everyone. It is necessary to treat all friends and relatives (especially the mother and father) of the deceased with respect, without making their condition even more serious.
Option #1
Great grief has befallen us and brought us to this funeral hall today. With a feeling of deep sorrow and irreparable loss, we see off our dear person (insert name here) on his last journey.
(name) spent her childhood and youth in the village (name of the locality) and even then the most striking features of her personality appeared: discipline, an extraordinary mind, perseverance in study and work, focus on results, straightforwardness and acumen for life. Maria Ivanovna always won the sympathy of people with her ability to negotiate, understand people and establish long-term, strong relationships based on mutual trust and goodwill. Therefore, she always had many friends, business contacts and a strong, friendly family. In addition, she was distinguished by her high internal culture, outstanding moral qualities and personal charm.
We all knew (name) as an extraordinary, intelligent and energetic person. She did a lot for us, always helped in any way she could, and her personality was always weighty and significant for us, as were her decisions, opinions, and support.
We are glad that you were in our life, because you brought a lot of light, warmth and kindness into it. We remember you, we love you, we mourn you.
Is it possible to read poetry on the day of a funeral?
Mournful poems at funerals are not prohibited, but are not always appropriate. If the deceased liked any poems during his lifetime, they can be read in the cemetery. You can also tell the poems of a poet whose work he had a positive attitude towards. But funny quatrains are clearly not suitable, so you need to choose a poetic work carefully and carefully.
You can also write a funeral poem yourself and read the epitaph from memory during the funeral ceremony. You just need to choose the right words and try to rhyme them logically. Although blank verse will also work. Funeral words can be awkward and ugly if they are spoken from the heart.
When Christian prayer is appropriate instead of funeral words
If the deceased was a Christian, and his relatives cannot find words to say anything good about him, instead of a funeral speech, a funeral prayer can be said (as during a funeral service). If the deceased considered any saint in Orthodoxy to be his patron, then the prayer should be read to him. If there is no such saint, then you need to choose the usual memorial prayer. But it’s still better to say at least the standard mourning words about a great loss, and only then start praying.
Who should give the eulogy at a funeral?
Ritual speeches are not mandatory at burial, so there is no uniform regulation regarding who should pronounce mourning phrases. The degree of relationship does not play a special role. If there is someone in the close circle of the deceased with strong nerves and mental stability, it is better to entrust this mission to him. This could be a relative, a colleague, or a friend (girlfriend) of the deceased.
If there is no such person, then the closest people can say memorable phrases about the deceased: parents, children, spouse, grandchildren, etc. It is a fact that the best speeches are given by men, not women. This is due to their strong-willed qualities, because women and girls usually cry during burial, and cannot utter the right words due to sobs.
Features of the wake
The person who was closest to the deceased (husband/wife) usually speaks first. Next come parents and children, grandchildren, other relatives, close friends, acquaintances. If for some reason a person cannot speak, then the next one speaks.
The leader of the funeral should also be close to the deceased. This will allow him to be on the same emotional level with other guests, and, if necessary, to support and fill pauses.
What can you say about a deceased person whom you don’t consider good?
If some qualities and character traits of the deceased person confused, upset and even angered, there is no need to talk about them at the funeral. But lying is also not recommended. If everyone present knows that the deceased was an alcoholic and beat his wife, mother or daughters every day, then phrases at the tombstone that he was an exemplary family man will cause a condescending smile or irritation.
But you can find something good in any person or describe his qualities from a slightly different angle. For example, about a tight-fisted person we can say that he was a cautious, far-sighted person. A suspicious person can be called one who has a good understanding of people and sees them “through and through.” If the deceased was grumpy and boring, he should be called an excellent critic with a good memory. About a stupid person we can say that he was kind and naive.
Before the funeral, you can consult with your loved ones and highlight the main positive traits of the deceased. You must not be too strict with him. All people make mistakes during their lifetime, and many repent and regret them, although they do not show their true colors to others.
Option #3
Friends, relatives and everyone present! Today we say goodbye forever to a person dear to us and I would like to say a few words in memory of him. Our family suffered a huge loss, having lost an important part of us - you, mom. She was amazingly modest, amazingly tactful, wise and talented. A true keeper of the family hearth. It was thanks to her and her many years of tireless work, support, attention and firm management that our home was a real fortress and a refuge from everyday storms. And all family members were always kind, warm, well-fed, dressed, educated and cheerful. Mom always knew how to console and when not to impose advice and moral teaching. She knew how to find an approach to anyone, although it was not easy. She painstakingly, day after day, created our cozy, comfortable little world, in which everyone is significant and not forgotten. She gave us light, warmth and kindness every day. And we can never forget this.
Now mommy, take a break from your labors and get some sleep. You stayed with us for such a short time, but left love and warmth for several lives to come. And you will remain in my heart forever. You will forever be an example of a real mother, and your lessons (your example) will never be forgotten. We will try to create in our families the same warmth, love and joy that you strived for.
Features of mourning speeches at wakes and funerals in different countries of the world
The first funeral speeches were made back in Ancient Greece, and later the tradition of saying good words about the deceased spread throughout the world. Moreover, ritual performances are more typical of Western (including American) culture, while in Russia people most often remain silent at the funerals of their loved ones. Other countries have their own interesting customs of farewell to the deceased.
In Israel, during the burial of Jews, it is customary to say words from the Torah, and in India, mantras are read at funerals and during remembrance. Muslims in any country in the world read special passages from the Koran - suras - during burial. Moreover, this can be done not only by the relatives of the deceased. At every Muslim cemetery there are people who can read prayers for the deceased for a monetary reward. They offer their services quite openly.
And in some African countries, it is customary to sing and have fun at funerals, because local residents believe that death is the liberation of the soul from a tight physical shell. Those. there they don’t make sad speeches, but everyone sings together and even congratulates the soul of the one who has gone to eternal life on the liberation.
But it is better to adhere to the traditions characteristic of the religion of the deceased and the state in which he lived, and commemorate in accordance with generally accepted requirements. Failure to comply with general rules can hurt the relatives of the deceased.
